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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Do you think you have learned from past relationships?      Home login  
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 reyb
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 1
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Do you think you have learned from past relationships?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
As most of us would agree, relationships takes understanding, communication and compromising (to name a few)from both sides. Can you honestly say to yourself that you have learned from past mistakes and know how to handle it differently next time? I was reading the thread about "What do you miss about being in a relationship?" and was thinking that there are some really nice things being said and it makes me wonder what happened to make people walk away from it. Do we not realize what we have actually have? Do we lose site of what we have? May be as we get older only then do we start to value what we have. Looking back at my past relationship, I don't think that I could have done anything differently. I did all that I could and it wasn't enough so the only thing I could do was to let it go. It's a shame, but may be the one thing I learned from it was that it takes two to make it work....anyways.
 daobe
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 2
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:08:25 PM
Yes I have learned from my past mistakes but learning from them doesn't undo them. Mistakes in a relationship generally cause a significant amount of pain to one or both involved. It takes a very special person to truly forgive someone that may have caused them more pain and hurt then anyone else ever had or could. That tends to be the double edged sword of love is it not. The more you love them the more they can hurt you if they so chose. You also ask a few other questions and for the most part they tend to be unanswerable in most situations but I have found that some things remain true in most relationships so I'll throw out a few of my thoughts on them.
The people answering the questions in the thread you mentioned me included aren't necessarily the ones that did the walking so you assumption of why they or me for that matter would walk away is misguided. Some such as I were walked away from. Like you said it does take two. People tend to hide the hurt they feel behind anger so for things to work you have to be able to accept that hurt, yours and theres. If you can't or won't do that things will never improve and whatever the mistake was you wont really learn from it and will more then likely just repeat it again at some point. I understand why someone would do this since anger is far easier to deal with then hurt and I'm not claiming that I have never done that myself so you also need to understand that you or I have no right to judge them for it. You can however keep in mind what is behind that anger and try to keep it in check within yourself and if its not you then to help the one you hurt work through it. If you can't and they won't the love you had for each other will surely die. Nobody ever walks away when the love is alive so if the relationship ends someone isn't in love anymore or has at least lost sight of it. Sometimes thats your fault sometimes its not but you know as well as I that you can't make someone love you.
As for realizing what we have when we have it of course people don't always see it all the time. The trick is to understand that you will more then likely at some point lose sight of why you fell in love and understand that just because you don't feel it right then and there doesn't mean it doesn't exist. As the saying goes hind sight is always 20/20. Age does help in this department I think or at least it did for me. I guess I can't argue with the notion that wisdom does come with age (not that I'm all that old). You also have to realize that falling in love is not the same as being in love and we don't always actually make it to the finish line every time. As an added cachet being in love isn't the same as truly loving someone either. Now that's confusing for me and I said so I'll understand if it takes you a while to comprehend why they're different and what that means. I think I could probably write a short novel explaining my thoughts on that one so I'll have to leave it at that for now.
I do want to leave you with this in mind. How honest have you been with yourself about your past relationships.? We are far from perfect creatures any of us especially me. I can think of lots of things I could have done differently that may have led to a different outcome in my relationships. I chose not to then and certainly wish I could chose differently now. I didn't always think that way though. That may be one of those age things as well. It is very hard for someone to admit to themselves let alone another that they may have caused the death of something as precious as love. You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else and as we all know honesty is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Without it you can't really have any of the other things you mentioned at the beginning of your post.

DK
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 3
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Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/3/2008 11:35:22 PM
There are the things you miss about being in a relationship, but that doesn't mean you don't miss things... That generally is why people leave them, OR are left, and didn't get the option.

Yes, I learned it takes two to want to be in a relationship. It takes work, patience, respect, trust, honestly, loyalty, et al; but me just having those and more aren't enough if it IS just one way...

I don't miss the marriage I had where I felt like a servant and he felt like the king... I don't miss the 3 1/2 relationship where I was constantly walking on egg shells, never knowing when he'd freak out and go into hours and hours and hours of accusations, and mental abuse, just because he was drunk...

For all that I may miss, the one thing I value more than anything else is knowing that even if I am not with someone...I have the opportunity to get the chance to meet someone who will value me as much as I value them.... Until then, it is ok to be with my self...

Sleep with my homework strung out across the bed... Eat popcorn for dinner, and stay up til some unearthly hour watching a stupid mindless movie... It is good to have my son come in and love me for being the greatest mom in the world... Having friends that like to hang out...

It is sad that someone times really great people don't get matched up with really great people... However life is a journey, not a destination... So for all that I miss, I don't miss the loneliness I felt in my marriage, or the abuse from the LT...
 ItzJustMe
Joined: 4/9/2008
Msg: 4
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:12:49 AM
The wall 'o' text!!!

Anyways, I've learned not to trust a woman when she says "I'm on birth control, it's ok."

or when she says "He's only a friend."

or when she says "I'll never go crazy and attack you with a knife again."

or when she says "I'm sorry for putting you in jail on false charges."

or when she says "I'm not with you just because you always have pot!"

or when she says "I would never key your car!"

or when she says "I want our child to have a father."

or when she says "I don't smoke pot and bring strange men around my (our) child!"

or when she says "I'm not moving 2000 miles away so that you can no longer see my (our) child."

In short, I've learned not to trust anything that comes out of a womans mouth.
 tam879
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 6
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Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:22:16 AM
I`ve only had one real relationship and it lasted for 14 months. You know I never knew what a relationship was till I had one. I have learned that you don`t have a relationship and walk around with blinders on and think that everything is fine, okay , great or whatever else you think makes you happy. You must constantly be observant of what is going on around you especially when it comes to your partner. In my relationship we got along great but I seemed to have lost something in myself I just don`t know why I didn`realize what I was doing or not doing for her (I WAS TO DAMN COMFORTABLE )that`s it.
I have learnt that you don`t lay on the couch and not notice your partner in the same room and you must converse with that person to insure that they are part of the partnership. I don`t know if she loved me or if I loved her , because I don`t know what love is. I only caught her once saying that phrase, "I love you" during our love making and I asked her " what"? She didn`t say it after that. I know that I must have said it myself but I can`t remember when.
I think I have to keep going over what went wrong in my relationship if only to see if I can prevent it from happening again. But I am what I am and I can`t change that. I don`t argue if there is a problem, if there was I wish that she had said so.
I want that life again and I can`t make promises that I won`t repeat my mistakes or whatever it was that killed my relationship. I don`t want to walk on eggshells in the next relationship if I can help it.
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 7
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:29:55 AM
Not really. I learned many women are shallow, are idealists, may not know what they want. may thinnk they know what they want but then change their mind instantly. I;ve learned to be cynical and mistrusting of others. And that if a girl won;t at least kiss me on a frist date she is not really into me and not worth getting involved with,
 Dceeeee
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 8
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:30:12 AM
Yep...with each relationship I learn....after all, to do the same thing repeatedly and expect different results, is just plain silly....

~DC~
 reyb
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 9
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Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 7:06:08 AM
daobe:



The people answering the questions in the thread you mentioned me included aren't necessarily the ones that did the walking so your assumption of why they or me for that matter would walk away is misguided.


Actually, my comment was to either the poster or the person they had the relationship with.



The trick is to understand that you will more then likely at some point lose sight of why you fell in love and understand that just because you don't feel it right then and there doesn't mean it doesn't exist.


I agree about likely losing sight of why you fell in love but as long as the love is there and is reciprocated is what I think is key.




How honest have you been with yourself about your past relationships.?


I think I'm pretty honest. I have no problem admitting guilt or my short-comings. I try to be in the other person's shoes to try and see where there coming from so that I can understand it. As you mentioned, we're not perfect and I would be the first to admit that.

For me, I fault neither myself nor the person I was with. We are who we are and it didn't work out and that's why I used the word "shame". I think it's fair for me to say that we both wanted the relationship, but we were on different wavelengths(so t0 speak). I did all that I could and can reflect back and can't think of anything that I could do differently. I do find comfort in knowing that.


Eurothania1:

Hi there. You know, the sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow. There'll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow. :) Take care...be happy! :)


Nexthyme:



It is sad that some times really great people don't get matched up with really great people


Yeah it is (sad). IMO, the internet helps with a lot of exposure to other people, but reading about them and seeing some pictures just isn't the same as meeting them in person and really seeing what they're like. Or, it might be just a matter of compatibility. Two people can be really awesome/great people, but together they just don't mesh well.


Case of the Punx:



People dont change they just change what they do.


Interesting comment. My ex said that I was trying to change her. Without going into a lot of details, what I was asking of her was a basic part of being in a relationship. I think to some degree people should/have to change a little bit because the person they are with is different/dynamic. Hmmm, may be this is compromising, but isn't compromising kind of changing? Isn't changing what you/they do is in essence changing yourself because you are thinking to do thinks differently?


tam879:



In my relationship we got along great but I seemed to have lost something in myself I just don`t know why I didn`realize what I was doing or not doing for her (I WAS TO DAMN COMFORTABLE )that`s it


This is what I think happened in my case; she got comfortable. Someone used the word "companionship" in the other thread and I think a relationship includes companionship but companionship does not a relationship make.


Lastly, "he said/she said". I think we all can/should agree that the words "women" and "men" can be used interchangeably in comments. :)

Thanks everyone for replying. :)
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 10
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:17:52 AM
I've learned the same hard lessons everyone else has, but more than that I've learned about myself. I've always been a loner, and I remain a loner now. Even surrounded by people, I sort of feel alone, always an outsider. I'm sure, then, that there is a certain amount of myself that I do not ever open up to anyone else. I know that hurts my chances at an LTR, too, but it's just so much of my being I can't "fix" it. So I instead pick emotionally unavailable men--because if they are unavailable, I am allowed to be, too.

So I have learned my pattern, but I don't change it, do I?
 reyb
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 11
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Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:55:36 AM
IMO, I think you should change your pattern. :) "...hurts my chances...but I don't change it, do I?" You've learned more about yourself and probably more about others, and what the positives/negatives there are in a relationship. Tweak yourself a little bit I say :) because you know the saying..."no risk, no glory" :)
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 12
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Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/5/2008 4:20:06 PM
touche' p surgeon - message 23.
i was going to say i don't see how you can't learn from all of your past - especially relationships because i believe they are thee tool for learning about yourself and others..and then i read your post and you put it so perfectly - and of course, that is the hardest lesson of all....it removes all right and wrong, blame and resentment, and truly lets in forgiveness and gratitude....
my motto is, the goal is to keep your heart and mind open, no matter what.

so here is what you said - and it really is the truth!
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?

Without a doubt!
If you don't then your playing hooky in this school of life! And YOU WILL FAIL!
In fact, I try and learn SOMETHING from every single person I meet!
And when that person's behavior gets under my skin, I ask myself,
Is he or she just a reflection of myself?
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 14
Do you think you have learned from past relationships?
Posted: 5/8/2008 6:20:03 PM
I've learned to walk away from things. Still, I have grave reservations about that.
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