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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?      Home login  
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 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 1
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?Page 1 of 21    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
I met someone, fell in love, and proposed marriage to her. She accepted, and then after six months of engagement tells me she is actually 8yrs older than me. I am 53 she is now 61(she had told me she was 53).

We had talked about all kinds of goals, expectations, work life and she never saw fit to tell me..... Now I have an issue or issues...

am I shallow for saying that I am uncomfortable with marrying a woman that much older than me?

What about the lying part, does anybody feel this should be an issue or flag?? interested in comments.
 sanderick
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 2
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:00:05 PM
If she is 61 and you thought she was 53, she must have taken great care of herself. I don't know how long you have known her, but she should have come clean. I understand that some women are very sensitive about their age and tend to get approached by men they are not interested in. So they change their ages to attract the age group that they know to be more compatible with.

Do I approve of this. Well, if you can't control the settings in regards to the age of people that can contact you, then I can understand that they have no choice.

But this woman accepted a marriage proposal. It could be that you proposed right before she was going to tell you and then felt trapped.

At 61, I am sure that she feels that you are a good catch for a woman her age, and doesn't want to lose you, so this happened. But still, this is exactly what may drive you away.

No need in asking if this is a flag. It would have been if you had been dating and just been intimate or something. But you are ENGAGED now. So flags are old news.

So the bottom line at this point is: Do you really love her? If yes, then you will forgive the woman that you love?

Also, if she is 61 and you couldn't tell. Then she must keep herself in great shape and hopefully will continue to do so.

It all comes down to what YOU can live with. So, take some time. Do some soul searching and make sure you know what you want. Then have a long heart to heart with her.

Good Luck to you...

 supersnuggle
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 4
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:06:11 PM
You have two seperate issues here. You may be uncomfortable about marrying a woman eight years older than you, but obviously, it is just the number that you are uncomfortable with. You didn't think that she looked or acted too old when you thought she was 53. And how they look and act should be what is important. And I bet you wouldn't have any problem if you were eight years older than her, would you.

The second issue is her lying. Have you ever caught her lying about anything else. It would be a concern to me, especially since she didn't come clean until after you were engaged. She should have at least fessed up as soon as things started getting serious.

It is up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. The key is...is this the only thing she has lied about. If you are confident it is, then maybe you can get past this.
 jetty65
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 5
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:17:05 PM
Age is meaningless, the deceit is no good. The trust is gone. Most of my relationships have been with men that were at least 7 years older then me. The lying part is a very BIG FLAG.
 homeonthecoast
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 6
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:25:31 PM
Lying = bad.

No two ways about it.

Now you get to decide just what it means to you, both in the areas of lying, and in the age difference. Age differences don't bother me, but lying certainly does.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 8
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:54:33 PM
Before you get horn swaggled into thinking it is only women that does this, it isn't... I have came across at least a dozen men (that I know of) that lied about their age...

You seem to be having an issue #1 about the fact that she is 61 instead of 53.. Question is, would you have NOT given her a chance because she was that age?

We can't speak for her, and why she didn't mention it sooner... None of us know if she had known and remember the entire time that she was decieving you.

I remember being on Yahoo, and it stated I was 39, when I was 40... I didn't do anything to make it that way, it just said I was.... Someone that I had went out with twice had this hissy fit and accused me of trying to decieve... YEAH.. Don't think so... My age is not an issue for me... I am what I am...

You have to decide whether you can't trust her... Some posters are all out for you to kick her to the curb...However I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater until you decide if that is the ONLY thing she wasn't straight up about...

Then it seems YOU have to decide if YOU have an issue with her real age...

I don't like being lied to, however I also understand their are times when people do things that they don't know how to undo... Maybe this is the only thing she has...Only way to find out is to have a heart to heart with her, and NOT a forum of strangers...
 nolamichelle
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 10
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 12:56:58 AM
For heavens sake, I'm with FredHH on this. what does it matter? Oh and by the way, My profile says I'm 48 and I'm really 82, I look good don't I...
 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 12
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 1:41:42 AM
As long as she didn't lie about being 16 when she's in fact 14 *LOL*
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 3:21:26 AM
I would really take the time to express your concerns about this to her. It definately makes me wonder what else she may have lied about. The time to come clean was at the early stages of the relationship not 6 months after the engagement. Part of me thinks she has felt awful about this for a very long time. Do you continue the relationship? That is your choice no one else can answer that for you.
 dave4754
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 15
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:19:33 AM
thank you for your insight, as for why I would post on her. Well i have no one at all to talk to about it and thought it would be good to see some response as I truly doubt all the thoughts I am having. In fact I wish to continue this but I wonder how she could hold onto that lie for so long.

Thanks again for your input and I know men lie as well it is just that this one thought that by being honest you would attract honest. Oh well
 UrbanTO
Joined: 4/1/2007
Msg: 16
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 5:38:26 AM

thank you for your insight, as for why I would post on her. Well i have no one at all to talk to about it and thought it would be good to see some response as I truly doubt all the thoughts I am having. In fact I wish to continue this but I wonder how she could hold onto that lie for so long.

Thanks again for your input and I know men lie as well it is just that this one thought that by being honest you would attract honest. Oh well


OP, I'm glad you decided to continue the relationship. Yes she lied but hey, you got fooled all this time so as another poster said, she must take pretty good care of herself. And I think you were probably offended (maybe still is a bit) about the fact that she did it to begin with. But think about your reaction (wondering if you can really date someone older than you) and you have your answer. I'm sure she didn't like doing it either.

I have problems understanding the concept in men having problems in dating someone 8 yrs older than them (as you had at the beginning) but see no problem in going 10+ yrs younger. Age is a number in your mind. And no, being honest will not necessarily attract honesty. Fact of life.

Congrats on your engagement. Wishing you a happy life together.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:43:21 AM
It would be an issue with me, I simply don't like dishonesty - since there's no need for it. Granted I might decide not to date someone if they are a certain age, but that should be my choice...and giving me the wrong facts will just prolong the inevitable.

If it's someone I would have dated anyway, then yeah - that'd be even dumber to me. It would scream insecurity. I'd sooner date someone who told me their true age and didn't give a crap if I liked it than someone who was trying to change it based on what they think I want.

I remember being on Yahoo, and it stated I was 39, when I was 40... I didn't do anything to make it that way, it just said I was.... Someone that I had went out with twice had this hissy fit and accused me of trying to decieve... YEAH.. Don't think so... My age is not an issue for me... I am what I am...

That cracks me up - if you were going to lie, why wouldn't you say 29? Yikes that dude overreacted huh? But I guess it's good you found out he was that rigid. Some people will date someone 39 but not 40. And that's their choice.
 FrozenAssets
Joined: 11/25/2007
Msg: 19
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:53:26 AM

In fact I wish to continue this but I wonder how she could hold onto that lie for so long.


Could have been that she was ashamed and perhaps afraid to tell you once things started to heat up. If it really bothers you so much then pay to have someone do a background check on her. How easy is that?

Now, for the telling part,
Well i have no one at all to talk to about it

are you willing to continue not having anyone else to talk to about things and heading back to the realm of POF? (better the witch you know than the one you don't) Or work things out and get over that error of judgment, once and for all, and move ahead with your life.

Jeeeeeesh!
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 21
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:37:38 AM
If you're asking, then it's pretty obvious that it bothers you. I'm not sure which bothers you more, the fact she's older, or the fact that she lied. Actully, if she's that much older than you are, in a marriage, it's a gift. Usually men die 7 years before women do, so the fact that she's older than you, the both of you might luck out and die pretty close together. Yeah, morbid I know.

Getting to the lying part, that would bother me. I don't think it's the end of the relationship, but until you feel that she's honest on all levels, I'd hold off on the marriage part. Bottom line, when in doubt, don't tie the knot.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:45:31 AM

Is this the only thing?

This is my issue. What else don't I know? That's always what goes thru my mind when someone lies about something like age.

Would you believe I have men lying to me about their age? I expect it now.
I was told to add on 5 years to a man's listed age on any singles site.

Yes, I've dealt with it a few times. Great tip...lol

WELL, SHE TOLD YOU. SHE DID NOT MARRY YOU WITHOUT YOU KNOWING. I GIVE HER POINTS FOR THAT.

As much as I'd like to be an optimist - I'm always the realist - it works better for me. True, she could have come clean all on her own because she felt the need to, and that's quite admirable if so, but I've learned over the years that most people are motivated by avoiding conflict/saving their own azzes. Chances are she only came clean because you would have found out anyway. The process of marrying her and viewing documents would have done her in. She simply chose the lesser of two evils. Hopefully, that's not the case...but you'll probably never know.
 Rainie59
Joined: 4/25/2008
Msg: 24
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 9:56:15 AM
Hey rowdysheis, I'm with you. Fred HH is full of crap. I'm 59 and never have lied about my age, what you see is what you get. And if she lied about the age, which is so minor a thing these days, maybe her whole life is a lie. Can't believe he let it get this far without having some doubts. She must be very good at hiding secrets. Bail out now, once you're in, there's not gettin out without consequences.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 25
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:07:19 AM
yes Dave.......Your an F'n idiot..

you say you are in love with this woman and yet you are willing to let it all go because of a numer?
How long have you been together?...and you didnt find out her age until after you propose?
I think you could just be intimidated because of your own immaturity!!

Its not like she was lying about being an Ex Con or something..and if she got away with saying she was a bit younger...then good for her!!! We all want to look younger then the age we really are....

except of course when we were under age to get into a bar.
 Hearttune
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 26
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:16:49 AM
There's a part of me that cansort of understand the white lie of, say, advertising you're 38-39 instead of 40, as in the TV sells for $499.95. These kind of spins have almost become part of our cultural DNA. I don't how many are going to go all crazy on you when you add in tax of a year or two down the line.

But 8 years....that can almost put someone in a different generational caste. It can mean the difference between her being a "baby boomer", and you being a post baby boomer.

If I was the Pope of such social indiscretions, I'd say a year or two was a venial sin, punishable by a stern reprimand, and a fanny whack or three. But I'd say eight years was a mortal sin, punishable by exile, fire and ice.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 27
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:24:25 AM

If I was the Pope of such social indiscretions, I'd say a year or two was a venial sin, punishable by a stern reprimand, and a fanny whack or three. But I'd say eight years was a mortal sin, punishable by exile, fire and ice.


Then you would be a naughty Pope!!

O.P. Claims not to have known the difference years makes..
He claims to have fallen in love with this woman and want to sepnd the rest of his life with her inmarriage...
yet he is willing to throw it all away because she didnt tell him her proper age?

Sounds pretty ridiculous, shallow, and petty to me...and this woman would probubly be better off with out him.
Especially if she takes enough care of herself to get away with saying she is 8 years younger then she is.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 28
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:25:06 AM
I don't have a problem with the 8 years age difference.. heck I have dated men 8 years younger than me.. and I was dang proud of it.. my age didn't make any difference to them.. but don't know how they would feel about marriage though since we just went out.. and "dated" ... I know of younger men who have married women as much as 10 years older than them and they liked it that way..

The problem I have with the lie is this.. I know if I lied about my age to a guy.. especially that many years.. and I began to fall in love with them.. it would kill me to know I had lied to them. I couldn't look in their face.. I would have to come clean..

The fact that she kept this a secret so long is what bothers me.. and in that is where I think a fairly serious character flaw is seen and the fact she was falling in love with you but still couldn't come clean till you started making plans??? I mean someone who is that age concious.. has to be uncomfortable with themselves.. yes she took great care of herself but what does that mean to have a need so strong that you can perpetuate a lie to someone that you say you love... I just don't get it.

I'd say that is a big huge Red flag and unless you can say "all is forgiven.. no big deal" and forget it.. and move foward.. you don't need to be with this person. The fact that you wrote to us on this forum shows me that this bothers you and it will put a palor on your relationship. You can't help how you feel.

****OP I see you have decided to continue the realtionship.. I wish you all the happiness and best life imaginable..******
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 29
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:04:19 AM
Well I believe lying about your age is a woman's natural born right!!!!! What?

Okay lets take a minute to find some positives in this situation shall we?

She must look damn good for her age right? (I rarely admit this but I am Fif...fif..gawd I can't get it out...I am older than forty. You Mister look....just a little older ...did you ever think about Just For Men? $6.98 at a Walgreen's near you!)

Menopause is in her rear view mirror! Big...huge ...bonus right there! Can I get a hell ya from the ladies who have survived "it" and from the men who suffered needlessly from the sidelines...I say needlessly because you got the hell out when the gettin' was good.

She did tell you the truth eventually so she is not a complete liar.
How long did you date before you *popped the question??

The sex must be good. *See popped the question.

She is just that much closer to Social Security! And maybe she will get half her ex's retirement...woohooo Lake Havasu in the winter~!
 Myrna43
Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 30
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:21:52 AM
I do not lie about my age but I have met several men who do. If they tell me right off that they had lied about their age its no big deal. Age differences mean very little to me but the timing must be right. If the age difference does not bother you let it go but watch for other lies I suppose.

Once I deceived a man by not talking about age and just let him assume what he wanted. Three months into our relationship he saw my drivers license and I could see him calculating the age in his mind . Then without saying it was my age he dumped me shortly after that. To me the fourteen year younger man was being silly but we all have our boundries.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 31
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wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:24:56 AM
Why is it a womans natural right and not a mans???????

This is why I just do not like the whole age thing at all...... You found someone you relate to very well, enjoy, and want to be with to the point of asking for marriage, and now you have all these problems because she is a few years different from you? I do not get it at all......how has she changed in looks, personality, style, and attitude?

I am willing to bet that she is one that has always looked younger than her age, in shape and able to connect with many that are many years different from her without any questions or problems, even with you, until someone makes it an issue......like you have.

Many of us have been there that are lucky enough to bridge that gap with age, and why is it that it has to become an issue? If all is good and you enjoy each other on multiple levels, does it really matter if she is 61, 53, or 43?

Maybe it is time for you to sit down with her and find out why she did this, and it may open many things for you to understand about another that happens to no look their age. She might prefer a vital person like you, since she more than likely is, if you truly believed her to be about 10 years younger, then another that is closer to retirement, looks and acts it.

Just my opinion........
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 33
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:42:08 AM
Men ARE allowed to lie about their age (and boy do they lie)! Men are human too!


Some men post the wrong age on their profile. Because if he doesn't that man may never come up in any womans search...hey young nublie women (for the most part) do not want men over fifty.
Some men lie about their age by decades. So not right!
 PurpleCrayon~
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 34
wat if she lied about age....... do you continue anyway?
Posted: 5/6/2008 11:46:29 AM
IF the OP is uncomfortable due to the age difference of her being older than him and the OP can honestly tell himself he would not be uncomfortable if he was 8 years older than her, then, yes... that is shallow. But, if the OP is of the mindset that it would be 'uncomfortable' in both situations... then, he is not shallow ... rather... he is consistent and unbiased in his views. ONLY he knows which is the case.

As for the actual lie re' the age. I would definitely have a problem with that. It's a lie. Period. Doesn't give someone the right to lie simply because they might look younger.

Granted, I agree with the Poster who stated the OP looks older, in his photos, than his stated age. But, if he stated his real age and she did not... it still would bother me if I was in position. ... that my love interest had lied.

Do I believe she should be forgiven for the lie? ONLY the OP can decide that. I would give some thought that she told him before the actual marriage took place. Still, a lie is a lie is a lie. If the OP does decide to stay with her, I would stay engaged long enough to have as good as possible indication that there aren't more 'lies' still out there.

An example: You know those signs in Gas Stations, etc. that go on the premise of 'If you don't look 30 years old, be prepared to show ID to buy Cigs or Alcohol'. I get IDed.. right up to the present time - year 2008. BUT... I refuse to put less than my actual age on a dating site.

I know how much I hate it when I meet a dude out and he confesses he is older than what he put on his profile and his photos are a bit outdated. Geez!

Just tell the truth folks. It really does feel good!
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