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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?      Home login  
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 Randominternetguy
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 4
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Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I would say something like "clingy" or whatever other label others may give it, is more ingrained in your personality rather than a flaw to be corrected. Just as someone who likes more "space" is not right or wrong, it's simply how they are.

The trick is, to find someone who sees it as an asset, rather than a detriment. This kind of issue often occurs because what may attract two people may be their differences, and a power play develops as each tries to declare their way the right way, or the way it should be.

I myself tend towards the need my space side of the coin. I don't see someone I would call clingy as needing to change, I would see them as not appropriate for me to spend a lot of time with.

This is the kind of issue that I do not believe can be resolved by working it out, either one or both of you are constantly going to be irritated by the behavior of the other. And when you both feel stressed, that's the time when those differences will really strain your relationship to the breaking point, instead of bringing you closer through adversity.

Bob
Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 6:08:06 AM
OP, no offense, but this is at least the third different thread you've had in the last week or so complaining about this guy that you live with. One said he was acting suspiciously secretive online (huge potential problem), one mentioned sexual inadequacy or at least incompatibility, and now you're back questioning whether or not its all your fault for being too clingy. I know you are just looking for answers, but the plain and simple truth is you are just young, and you have to figure some of this stuff out on your own, even if it entails some heartache for you.

Granted, we're only getting your side of the story here, but it sounds like you question this guy about how he feels, and if you don't get the answer you like, you rationalize it some way until it seems OK with you, even if that means blaming yourself. And post a thread about it of course. He may love you very much, but doesn't express it well; if that bothers you so much that you constantly question the relationship, either deal with it and realize that's who he is, or move on, since there is an incompatibility there that you can't accept. Or he may be playing games online and exploring his options, and you are way too good for his sorry butt. Only you can make those determinations. Its fine to want to be affectionate and physically demonstrative with your partner, but there is a point where all that clinging edges into insecurity on your part. Perhaps you need to learn to be comfortable by yourself first, and overcome that need to be with someone, before you can be in a relationship where affectionate isn't clinging and you can both be comfortable with some time to yourselves. Sadly, for most of us that only comes with experience and lessons learned the hard way. Good luck to you!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 8
Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:50:33 AM
My question I have for you is: Do you think being clingy is a personality trait? Should I surpass this relationship as failed and find someone who appreciates the little things I do so that I'm not taken for granted? Or should I stick with this one and see if I can change my ways of being too clingy? I'm very stuck as to whether I'm the problem, he's the problem, or we're just not right for eachother.

I do think it's a personality type (or a deeply conditioned habit) - however it can be overcome if both want to meet in the middle on it.

I am the same way about space - I don't call a lot, I don't have to see someone whenever I have free time, I like my space as much as I like spending time with someone else. I like equal amounts of both. In my case I get a reaction out of men because they're used to other women being so attentive that they think I am not, but I don't think it's very different from their personality.

If you are willing to relax a little for him and he's willing to give you a bit more attention for your sake than it could work...but if neither of you want to budge, you're in for a hard road.

Also, you mentioned lack of emotion and romance, and those are biggies as well...space is one thing, but those things are added strains to what's already happening. Those things IMO will be harder to live with....I am rather non emotional and unromantic, but I am totally the odd man out when it comes to this - MOST women like those things, and will feel terrible without them.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 9
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Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:32:33 AM
Clingy is a behavior that can be changed. Yes, it needs to be corrected. It reeks of desperation and insecurity.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 10
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Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 8:52:31 AM
uglybetty msg. #38: "If you are willing to relax a little for him and he's willing to give you a bit more attention for your sake than it could work...but if neither of you want to budge, you're in for a hard road."

I believe this is the key as well, Betty. The odds of finding and connecting with someone who has the exact same requirements/needs for togetherness, space or autonomy is pretty remote. Just as in other aspects of the relationship, there needs to be some communication from the couple about what their desires are and as in most healthy relationships, some degree of compromise. IOW, for each to feel they are being heard and understood by their partner, each needs to give a little in order to gain a lot.

I believe the factors that start playing a role as to the relationship being in trouble, are two-fold. First, if there exists one or both extremes of these characteristics (whether one chooses to call it 'personality type' or 'flaw'), the need for and amount of compromise becomes extreme. IMO, the opposite extreme of what OP calls "clingy", would be "cold fish". As humans, we all strive for love, affection, intimacy. Some are overbearing with it and some are almost void of it. For two people on completely opposite ends of the intimacy spectrum, I think it highly unlikely that each could or would be willing to compromise, as the middle ground will still remain too removed from and unable to provide each what they need or require. Secondly, as the OP states, she is "used to" a certain level of closeness/togetherness based on her prior relationships. The question then becomes, would she be as willing to compromise knowing that others can give it, or, does she continue with someone who is less willing?

The bottom line (IMO), is that we are not, OMG, TRYING TO CHANGE our partner into something they are not, but rather, compromising in the spirit of love for one another and the success of the relationship. When compromise becomes sacrifice, I think the gap is too wide to be bridged without resentment.....especially if it is usually one-sided.



~ds~
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 11
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Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/6/2008 10:55:54 AM
^^^ "To answer you question. Yes it is a personality trait shared by all women."

Maybe all but two.....the two I married.

C'mon, it's not a woman thing, it's a human thing (as well as many other animals). And the degree to which each person seeks affection and intimacy varies with each individual.



~ds~
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 5/7/2008 8:26:10 AM

Why do so many people call this an insecurity and/or a flaw? When youre in love with someone youre ALWAYS going to be insecure in the early stages. That is if the relationship matters a hill of beans to you, anyway. Its just a human emotion. Some of us deal with that emotion by wanting to cling to our lover as much as possible, and yes this means we're deriving happiness from someone else.

"Some" being the operative word. Again, it's not right or wrong - different people have different levels of comfort about stuff like this.
[quoteSo what?!
So it's not wrong to be clingy depending on the person, and it's not right to be that way either depending on the person. Trick is to find someone who gets you and go with it, not bash those who don't agree with you.

My parents have been hanging all over each other for 48 years of marriage. They make each other happy & are miserable when the other is away.

It would stand to reason that your parents are on the same page about it - and match each other. That's all.

Its not negative to NEED another person to be happy.

Maybe for YOU it's not, but for others, it might be.

We're emotional creatures who need each other for survival.

Some of us are.

If this generation of singles would stop over-analyzing things to death & just let themselves love freely and intensely, perhaps there would be many more happy endings than divorces.

It's not about that - it's about who you are, and how you function individually.

All this need for "space" is crap.

That would be an universal absolute statement, and you can't speak for anyone else but yourself.

When youre in love, youre no longer an individual.

Maybe YOU'RE not. That's cool.

You become part of an "us". And doing so is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I wish more people would stop being so afraid to submit to that. It would be a happier & easier world if they did.

Some look at it your way. Some don't. Find the ones who do - and enjoy it. The ones who don't aren't bad either - just different.
 pbear511
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 13
Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:13:01 AM
i treat "clingy" as a personality type. even if i'm wrong and it's a flaw that can be corrected, if you're in a relationship trying to change the other person, you're in for some unpleasant experiences.

clingy + rejection = stalker

good luck
 funksoulbrutha
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 17
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Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 2/10/2009 11:02:23 AM
It's neither, just HOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 23
Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:46:43 AM
Showing someone that you appreciate them by wanting to spend time with them and do things with and for them is great---to a point. If you're the type who goes overboard to the degree where the other party feels smothered and can't turn around without you in their face and you can't maintain any relationships because this is the constant determining factor for the break-ups, yes, it's a flaw to be corrected or at the very least controlled. "Togetherness" is great but some measure of autonomy is also healthy in relationships.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
Is being clingy a personality type or a flaw to be corrected?
Posted: 10/16/2009 7:07:04 AM
What you are feeling is the void of being with a cold fish. There are people that when in a relationship like to touch, show their emotions, kiss in public, hold hands, cuddle, yes have great sex, cuddle more, give each other massages, spend a whole day in bed naked making love, hanging doing nothing.

Then doing also other things. Together and apart.

That is not being clingy. That is called BEING AFFECTIONATE.

What I think is going on is that this guy is using your insecurity to label you clingy.
If you still feel an emotional void from this guy. It's time to change the guy, because you are not going to change him.
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