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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...      Home login  
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 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 2
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Yep, it does sound that she is having her life and fun at the expense of you...She must be related to my ex spouse...

No you are not wrong to want to have a stable family life...

However I am not so sure that she is actually INDEPENDENT, considering you are the one footing the bill. If she were pulling her weight, and footing her own bill, and you were just nice arm decoration, that is independent.

If she has a child, her child shouldn't be pawned off on to someone else, while she goes out chasing after her dreams... Seems to me she sees you as her sons keeper, and she is interested in doing the things she feels she's missed out because of her child getting in the way...

I lived that with my ex... Wasn't fun in the least...

You are getting this treatment, because she probably slowly reeled you into her world, then before you knew it, she was off, and you were clamoring after her, to keep around... In the mean time you have become her bank, house keeper and babysitter...

Is that where you want to be???
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 4
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:26:21 PM
I am not so sure that she is actually INDEPENDENT, considering you are the one footing the bill
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I agree with that view....An INDEPENDANT woman (or person), doesn't need you for much of anything....except as a lover, mate, companion, etc.

but, I don't know if we are getting both sides of the story, before you make any rash decisions, or complain to her more, or make any ultimatums. Ask yourself, am I really all that I think I am? Otherwise, for forums sake, we agree with you she isn't an independant person. You are not the dad, unless you have raised this kid for years and there is no other dad around. Now, can you deal with that in a positive, loving, spiritual manner (ie, dont cause a big argument or point the finger)?
 oceangirlnla1
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 6
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/11/2008 9:56:05 PM
You need to leave her for awhile and let her show you what she means by being independent. Reality is...she isn't independent if she has a child. You are just making it too easy for her to just get a way from her responsibilities. You are being an enabler. She probably is codependent on you right now and if you do leave she will fall apart and put a guilt trip on you.

You have two choices. One is to stay the way you are right now, tolerate it and never whine or bring it up again...that is YOUR choice. Or you put the reins back in her hands as far as her child and her responsibilities. My heart goes out to the child. Not you two at all. You are both using each other just in different ways. Unfortunately there is a child involved. I think you both are going to screw up this child when its all said and done....
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 14
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:58:09 PM
Sounds like you have one of two things you can do...

A person that blows up certainly gets their way everytime... Therefore you can just accept the fact that she doesn't parent the way YOU believe she should, and unless you are interested in finding a different gf, one who takes care of their OWN children in the way that they should, just stop complaining.

If this is something that her ex spouse complained about the chances of her changing her behavior is next to none.

There are plenty of mothers that DO understand and are willing to change their lack of parenting skills, how ever as stated before, if her ex complained about it, she isn't one of them.

I stayed longer in my own marriage, because my ex wasn't there for his own son. It was hell, but since the boys mother abandoned him, and his father was doing a really great job of running around doing his own thing. I knew my ex was not going to do anything different, and no matter how much a grumped, quietly suggest, flat out pleaded, it didn't change anything.

Finally when his son was really full fledge teen, and could do battle for himself, I got ahold of his biological mother, and he was shipped off to live with her. It was heart breaking because he didn't graduate, messed around in drugs and alcohol, started getting his life pulled together. He and his GF got preggers with twins, they got married and now he is figuring out life...That and trying to parent his own father..

This is a source of contention, and you will probably NOT get past it, especially when it comes to the well being of kids. It is not hard to not take over the responsibility, and another person who doesn't seem to be particularly maternal will gladly hand that part over to the other person.

Have you considered counseling if you are wanting to stay? Because that is one of the other alternatives.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
Independent Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:54:07 AM
thunderheart180; re: msg 18 - It puts a father in a bad situation when a mother doesn't really want to be a mother unless she's in the mood to be (or doesn't understand what it entails) and you're looking at kids that need boundaries, guidance, care. It's hard to leave but you end up doing everything, and you know full well that if you did walk away they'd likely get neglected again so it seems like a waste of time.

my ex went thru this, first with his ex wifes own children (from two different fathers, he adopted them to give them some stability) and then with the two children she had with him...basically he was a glorified babysitter. Over time it escalated into a marriage (after all kids were born the married, not during) based on a promise from her that she'd do better if he married her - well all that did was give her something to hold over his head/threaten him with should things not go her way. It was a mess...to this day she's like a mirage on a cell phone that they sometimes talk to in person, and he's the full time parent in their lives...as he's always been.

Therefore I agree with the adopt/leave and take custody thing another poster mentioned earlier - but only if you feel that this dynamic can't be changed or improved upon. She's gotta want to take responsibility when you give it to her. If it wasn't there before, it might be because she's not interested in putting any effort into it.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 20
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/13/2008 4:18:08 PM
Sounds to me as if the ONLY thing she is "independent" of....is accepting responsibility.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 24
Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 12:27:24 AM
Wow; do you have a sister? yes she's screwing you over, and no you shouldnt' put up with it. Either get used to it and stop complaining or give her an ultimatum that you are done. You seem like a huge pushover and just another in the 143242354125 stories that show living together is a terrible thing.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 25
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 12:46:17 AM
What is it you love? You say she is not the type of person you want in your life because of her actions and how she treats you, yet you say you love her and want to keep living with her. Which one is it?
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 26
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 2:53:41 AM
she's not independent and you are not her parent, so why support her as if she' s a child? doesn't sound like a level playing field in terms of Partnership.
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 27
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 3:03:16 AM

Which raised the question whether she loves me or the things that I do for her.

I think, op, this could be the essence...and it's a good question. Have you asked her this? I would imagine the honest answer is she loves you because of the things you do for her...So why do you love her?
I can't help but noticing you have left out any feelings towards or from her son. Does he appreciate you are there for him? Do you care about him as a person or just see him as a chore you have to take care because his mother is not? In other words, are you getting any deep reward from your relationship with him? You said you fostered for 10 years and that's incredibly commendable.
It also is a big clue as to the dynamics of this relationship now.
It always takes two people to create a situation when you are living together. Have you looked honestly at yourself and seen where you have created your situation? I see you starting to do this reflecting here in this thread.
It is not just you are enabling her continued apparent neglect of her responsibilites for being a mother, but she is enabling the part of you that likes to take care of things and people.
SO, you both seem to be allowing the other to do what comes naturally to each of you....and very likely this is what attracted you two to each other to begin with (unconsciously).
I think counselling for each individually and both of you together might really be a great thing to bring both of you into balance - with yourselves and each other.
She is not another child you are fostering. And you are not her parent.
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 29
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 7:40:53 AM
This is a perfect time to introduce another angle into the equation.....

Expectations

If you are in fact the sole breadwinner, what is it you expect in return?

Do you expect her to obey what you say, and if she doesn't, you resent her, and berate her for it? She should obey, right?...you pay the bills.

If this is the case...she is rebelling, and showing you that you can't "buy" her.

Even individuals who are being "supported" by a SO need freedom and space of their own.

diablera bruja offered up my main concern....the one who will suffer will be the kid.

Is she being irresponsible? No question about that...doesn't matter what someone else is doing to her, she should be keeping the welfare of her child in mind.

Sit down with your g/f...hash it out...figure out a good balance of "power" that you can both live with....or someone leave. Give the kid half a chance.....
 Quazi 100
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 32
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:53:40 AM
I would love to hear who the breadwinner is.....I'd be happy to be wrong.

Regardless of who it is, she needs to be responsible for her child, first and foremost.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 33
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Independant Woman - she is driving me into insanity...
Posted: 5/14/2008 5:14:08 PM
Another angle on this- the band life- I had a friend in our 20's that did this - I was part time roadie but was off to college and work later. It can take up a lot of free time- I think it cost him his marriage in the end.

Pack, go set up at the bar -up to an hours drive-Thursday night or Friday- play Friday and Saturday night till close then pack and leave , get home at 4 am- get up late next day-maybe do Saturday afternoon jam as well - and practise one night a week- all for enough money to cover gas and beer. All while doing a regular job during the week.

Keep it up every week end and soon you never see family or friends unless they come to the bar. Think the partner gets little tired and neglected after a while.

Up to you to decide OP- sometimes band folks enjoy the scene, the attention and the life and have some trouble giving it up.

Best of luck-
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