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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common betw      Home login  
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 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 8
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
At first I laughed out loud when I saw your thread title, for it seems of course it can't be successful if you have NOTHING in common......but it sounds like you do have some things in common - the internal things, but not the external, perhaps.
Many successful couples do not share the same activities or hobbies and that's ok really. So, externally you do not share these things together and it's not a pre-requisite of success in a relationship.
But internally, you say he is affectionate and may I remind you that is a very rare thing after 7 years of living together and not to be minimialized in terms of importance.
I do wonder, though, when is he affectionate with you if you don't spend ANY time together? Why don't you eat together? Did you ever spend more time together? Is it only in bed at night you two meet up?
If you are feeling truly unhappy, then yes, perhaps counselling would be good for you anyway because that is something you can do for yourself.....and I honestly think it would be far wiser than being on this site looking for men to talk to and as honestly and openly as you express you are wishing to do in your profile. I actually think that is opening up the potential of a real threat to your relationship more than you or your partner realize.
Good luck and I hope counselling will help you learn to communicate without fear of feeling you are nagging. That is not a good situation and I hope your partner also comes to realize you are not feeling fulfilled at all in this relationship, it seems, and he really needs to perhaps make more effort too to be with you, literally....or I don't see it surviving, for what is it you really have outside of sex? (sorry for the bluntness, but that's my guess...and that's not to knock sex either.)
Take a close look at what you two do have, perhaps, and start focusing on that instead of what you don't. You might realize there is more positive there than you are presently seeing.
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:40:01 PM
To answer your question you can. But With your situation until you force the issue nothing is going to change. But why would you. You already said you spent years telling him. If it were me I would have ended it years ago. Because as I see it. Your "boyfriend" isn't in a relationship. He has found someone who will not only have sex with him but pays half of the bills. And all he has to do is live under the same roof with them. So He's probably thinking
I have it made so why should I change a thing. Neil
 tam879
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 13
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:50:27 PM
Not really. Eventually you`ll tire of the same old , same old. If he doesn`t want to do things with you then you`ll get tired of him and want someone else to do things with. Case in point, my g/f brokeup with me for several reasons but firstly she always suggested we do this or that and she had come up with ideas of what to do on a given weekend etc. Me on the other hand did very little or nothing but let her make suggestions or ideas of what to do. I know that I will have to do things ,and make suggestions with my next partner if I want a good relationship to last.

What you might do is try to encourage him to do things a little at a time. Don`t force him but persuade him gently at first and then see what he does or says. If your not happy then you have to make your choice about him in your relati0nship together. But, you will eventually tire of doing things without him.
 Soul Union
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 15
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 8:26:26 PM
I am feeling a wee bit confused. I've been in a relationship 7 years with a guy I was totally crazy about. We live together, get on well, almost never argue, we trust each other but there's one thing that really bothers me big time and that is we never ever do anything together as a couple. I've spent years telling him how I feel but apart from feeling like a nag which I hate and needy which I am not I have started to resent him for making me even have to ask. Am I living in a fantasy world thinking that couples that are in love should sometimes do things as a couple? I am not a possessive person and am all for having separate hobbies/interests its healthy but the most we do together is order a take away pizza once a fortnight and even then we don't sit together to eat it. I can imagine anyone reading this is thinking how silly a question this is and that it's obvious he doesn't feel the same way, but I know he loves me in his own way and he is always affectionate. I just don't know if this is how I can live the rest of my life. He even knows I have joined plenty of fish to find someone I can talk to????
I would like to hear what anyone else thinks about this situation any opinion will be appreciated. Thanks in advance. - clareb c

> My observations, for what they're worth.
> You say you never do anything as a couple - and yet you live together. That in itself is a big deal. That in itself means you are doing something together, one of the main things in life.
> You say you have started to resent him for making me even have to ask. Clareb, the only person 'making' you ask is yourself. He didn't do it. He is not responsible for making you do anything, whether it's 'asking' or jumping over buildings.
> You are not mistaken in your belief that couples do things together - and not just live together. And you are not living in a fantasy to expect this. But what really concerns me about your posting, about your situation, is that he knows you have joined a dating agency, Plenty of Fish. He is fully aware. I, for one, would not be comfortable if my wife was seeking out other people on a dating agency. That would trouble me.
> My gut feeling, Clareb? There is precious little love here. It is too thin on the ground to provide any relationship with the emotional sustenance and fuel it needs. A relationship, and I mean any kind of relationship, needs to be nurtured and cared for. It does not operate on its own, like an automatic car whizzing down an open highway. It needs guidance. It needs some introspection. It needs care and consideration. It needs to feel blessed by the partners.
> The fact that you are asking a bunch of strangers, people you will probably never meet or recognise if you fell over them, indicates that something is seriously wrong with your relationship and your relationship to your relationship. Does that make sense?
> If you need someone to talk to, there are plenty of people ready and willing to chat; but, Clareb, what you really need is stability and depth in the relationship between you and your man. Who can you talk to now - now that you have spent years, as you say, talking to your man? Quo vadis? (Whither now?)
> Best wishes - Soul Union.
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 30
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:21:40 PM
To the original OP.. listen you must have something in common for you to be so crazy about the guy after 7 years and who says you have to do things together to be happy?? Who said that?

Now if the absence of having activities together leaves a hole in your heart and you honestly feel a void there when you are doing an activity without him.. then by all means you need to look at it because it isn't working for you.

But, and please forgive me if this sounds like I am judging you.. I am not.. but.. if you are questioning the stablilty and quality of your realtionship because you "think" there is something wrong because you don't do activities together.. then I don't think that is valid to do that.. you are cheating yourself out of hapiness based on what is "conventional" wisdom.. etc.

Now I bet there are some activites that he enjoys doing with you.. am I right??? So if the latter is the case.. don't worry about it as long as you are happy.. go for it.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 32
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/14/2008 7:50:18 AM
I don't even know how just living together and sleeping together can even be considered a 'relationship'? Other than sex, where's the relating? Why be with someone who's not a good companion? Makes absolutely no sense to me.

What do you get out of this? That's what you have to figure out. If some sex and affection is sufficient to make up for the lack of companionship and you're willing to settle because he's not going to change, well, better you than me.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 33
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:02:13 AM
I did actually get a response when I left him albeit only for a few hours but he came back of his fishing holiday to an empty house. He even went out of his way and booked us a weekend away --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you really love him, and he is otherwise nice to you....maybe some other approach is necessary, counseling, a short breakup, you could learn new tactics, perhaps a sticky note on his desk like "Honey, I'd like to do something fun with you this weekend" or "can we go to the play next week". Etc, I presume if he is "active" enough to go fishing (but some guys do that from instinct) he SHOULD be able to do more with you. Maybe your approach is wrong or ineffective or doesnt match his communication style.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 34
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:15:34 AM
It's possible, but I think the odds would be very low. In most cases there needs to be at least some compatibility whether it's having some common interests, beliefs, values etc.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 40
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:26:34 AM
Can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them ?

Depends upon what you consider successful ?
If you're trying to prove your patience, then yes.
If you're trying to be happy, probably not.
 _JAFO_
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 42
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 5/14/2008 11:59:29 AM
Post #10 from thats gonna leave a mark said exactly what I was thinking.

The only thing I have to add is that if you feel he's robbing you of the added intimacy that best friends/lovers share when they discover new and exciting things together then maybe you should find someone who will.

They ARE out there and if a person is ever lucky enough to experienced that kind of intimacy with a partner once, you won't settle for less in the future.
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 46
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 12:09:52 AM
I have to drag up this old thread because that's what the rules tell me I must do.

I've been with this guy for about 6 months. We have very little in common. When we first started dating, I told him I was not going to give up dancing even though he hates it. I usually go on Tuesday nights with some friends to a local bar where a local band plays and we have a great time. At one point , a few years ago, I was really into ballroom dance.

I met someone tonight who loves to dance. We had a lot of fun this evening. I told him I had a bf. He said he wanted to get to know me anyway and gave me his phone number and email address. He asked me to go to this dance that the local ballroom dance clubs holds. I used to go to those dances all the time.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of not being able to go and do the things I want to do because my bf doesn't like the things I like. At the same time, I care about him, and you know , opposites attract?
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 48
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 9:45:57 AM
As to the OP, guys should continue to date their girlfriends/wives, and take them out like it was their first date. It's romantic, and most women need romance like flowers need the rain.

scorpiohippychick - everybody should at least try to get involved in and indulge in at least some of each others' interests. This is romantic also. Too bad many people don't know this.

Do you date and do other things together with your boyfriend? As long as that's true, it's okay! If you both made a list of 100 things you like to do, and compared notes, could you find mutual interests? Do you smell what I'm cooking?! Relationships are not about common interests. They are about having a common interest in each other - love.

But I understand you like to dance - can't you go out with your girlfriends and dance, or take a class? That might be another option for you.

As far as going to the dance with dancing man... as long as it does not look like a date situation, and it's mostly dancing, I think it's okay - but it depends on how your boyfriend feels, he might get jealous?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 49
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can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:00:39 AM
The OP has long since left pof, post 47 resurrected this thread, advice should be tailored to that post.

If you were really happy with your boyfriend you wouldn't even consider it. When people are in your situation they both should try to do things the other likes at least occasionally or have no problem with them doing their one thing alone or whatever. Sounds like you have nothing that you really do together and would be happier with someone with like interests. And he would probably be happier too.

If you decide to do anything you break up with your boyfriend because this guy's version of getting to know you constitutes dating and you should really consider getting involved with someone who has no problem breaking someone else up, because that's what he will hope if he starts to really like you beyond enjoying dancing with you.

Now, if he had said, I have a girlfriend, we can be each other's dancing partner with clear understanding that it will never be romantic, that would be another thing. Not imo a good basis for starting something new.
 Foodnmusicguy
Joined: 5/7/2014
Msg: 50
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:11:37 AM

I met someone tonight who loves to dance.



We had a lot of fun this evening.



He said he wanted to get to know me



He asked me to go to this dance



I used to go to those dances all the time.


...and then this :



I don't know what to do. I'm tired of not being able to go and do the things I want to do because my bf doesn't like the things I like.


You've only been with your bf 6 months....

Cut him loose.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 51
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:23:12 AM

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of not being able to go and do the things I want to do because my bf doesn't like the things I like. At the same time, I care about him, and you know , opposites attract?


I don't think opposites attract. IMO that statement was more about superficial or narrowly defined attributes. Maybe one likes to be the leader, one likes to follow. Two leaders may fight each other.

But if one values family and children,the other wants nothing to do with that, one wants to marry the other wants to date, they are opposites and they don't attract. Do you really think they should attempt a long term relationship?

I think similar values are important.

Interest are only important if the interests are a central and significant part of your life and those interest are best when shared. My wife likes to knit and crochet, I don't, does anyone think that matters? But dancing, traveling, those are best enjoyed as a couple.

And you can have chemistry between two people that will never get along in the longer term. A lot of people form a couple based on the chemistry, break about based on dissimulator values.

Like most of life, there aren't good cookie cutter rules.
 Foodnmusicguy
Joined: 5/7/2014
Msg: 52
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:41:06 AM

And you can have chemistry between two people that will never get along in the longer term


AMEN to that !

I once dated a woman where the chemistry was off the charts but she had no tact and could not admit when she was wrong EVER !

So, chemsitry yes, treated me with respect not so much at times.

She'd often start a sentence with " No offence but .... "

Yeah, like that's some magic phrase like open sesame that allows you to say anything , LOL
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 53
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 11:59:17 AM
OP
Don't misunderstand me, this is my personal opinion and not meant specifically about you and your situation.
IMO, if you have to come to an internet forum and ask a bunch of (mostly well-meaning)strangers what to do about some factor of a relationship, I'm not sure we can call that "successful".
Again, not intending to disrespect or devalue asking for advice, seeking counseling,etc. But how often does anybody do that when things are going OK?
Have you considered telling your bf that you are going to a ballroom dance because you have someone willing to be your dance partner?
I would think that would be the epitome of being honest. Nobody can accuse you of doing anything underhanded.
Might it cause fireworks? I would think that might be highly likely.
If your current guy hates to dance or is not able to dance, twisting his arm isn't going to get you anything but a grudging and grumpy partner.
If he IS ok with you having another guy as a DANCE PARTNER-then I'd say you are golden.
But I also wonder if you aren't sending off a bit of a "dissatisfied" vibe that causes this dance-partner guy to keep going even though he's been told you have a bf?
I can't tell you what to do. Yes, I have seen relationships where there was little commonality between the 2 people.
whether or not they could all be deemed "successful" is hard to say.We each have our own definition of "successful".
Cindy O
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 54
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/7/2014 11:47:44 PM
It's very difficult because there are so many things besides dancing that are interests that we don't share. There are things we like to do together, but this is a really small town and there are limited things to do.

Now he wants me to go in half on a motor home. We would each pay half of the down payment, half the payment, and it would be in both of our names. This is because he loves to camp. I grew up in a big city and never camped in my life until I moved to Oregon. It's not my favorite thing to do, unless my grand kids are there. I can't even imagine going and setting up a tent in the middle of nowhere like he wants to do, and just sit there with nothing to do. I've asked if we could play cards or board games, and he isn't interested in learning any types of games. There is no way in hell I am ready to buy a motor home together at this point.

I actually enjoy the forums a lot and there are some very intelligent people here, you included Cindy O. I've been mostly reading and not posting in the forums for years, and for various reasons, I can't go to my friends to talk to about this problem. I'm afraid the forums might be hearing a lot about us, cause even though we love each other, sometimes love is not enough.

There is no way he would be okay with me having a regular dance partner, whether it's just dancing or not. I took him to the place I go and dance with my girl friends. My friends play in the bands. He stayed about 5 minutes and said the acoustics were terrible and it was a dive bar, and left. It's not like he doesn't like to drink, either.
 abroncs
Joined: 7/6/2014
Msg: 55
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/7/2014 11:52:49 PM
Clare BC, OP, you may want to try to talk this guy, your man, into doing the following activities together as a couple:

- have sex with each other
- share a meal in your home
- talk to each other once in a while
- say "hi" to each other when you bump into each other in the house
- use the same light switches to turn on the light
- share a dishwasher and a washing machine to cut down on expenses
- use the same entrance door to the house
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 56
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/8/2014 10:06:42 AM
OP
Whatever else you may or may not do, I have to agree that putting significant monies into a big ticket item that you don't even want would be a BAD idea.

If he wants to camp so bad, let him buy his own motor home or tent-whatever. I enjoy camping and while I'n getting to where the tent thing has it's drawbacks, I don't like big-ass motor homes either.
However, that's a specific thing, as for your general lack of common interests/recreational&social pursuits, I can't say that I've ever had a relationship of any length or seriousness where we didn't share a lot of interests and activities,I'm not sure how that would even work for me.

Yes, sometimes love just ain't enough, but it does sound like you and he have a lot of caring for each other. Maybe what you have is a bit of a "7 year itch"? I mean BOTH of you-thus his idea of purchasing a motor home together,thinking that will give the 2 of you a shared interest? Except it doesn't sound like you are much interested in it.
Probably about all we can do here in the forums is to be a sounding board-there is not black& white/right or wrong answer.
But don't buy the motor home. The thing is, unless it's one of those brand new 6 figure jobbies, the damn things also require maintenance and repair.
Now I have seen standard sized vans-in fact I have owned a couple, that were converted into road trip/camping vehicles. However most of the camping I have done and still do is just part of a larger activity, NOT the sole purpose.
Anyway, I have seen regular vans or mildly oversized ones converted to motor homes-yep, some of them even have a little bathroom. That might be a workable compromise.Overall though, I think you may e coming to a crossroads in your relationship, and I'd hate to see your decision influenced -one way or the other !-by a financial factor that buying a motor home would represent.
Cindy O
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 57
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/8/2014 7:33:31 PM
I would not mind buying a motor home with him at some point, and traveling around to see the country.

Right now, I am not sure we are going to last, even though we love each other. I don't want to be stuck with a motor home and a failed relationship. I've had enough failed relationships and they are very painful, even if you have nothing expensive to try to divide.

I worry that this will get deleted because they will call it a chat thread.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 58
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/8/2014 9:21:03 PM

can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?


Yes.
Batman and The Joker, for example.


and you know , opposites attract?


Yes, but usually just until the novelty wears off. And then you want something more compatible for the long haul.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 59
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 7:10:52 AM
So if you don't like camping, stay in the motor home more and let him spend more time outside in the tent.

He only stayed in the dance club five minutes because the acoustics were bad? Did he try a different table? Maybe it would not sound so bad in the back?

The thing is, for a relationship to go forever, both of you have to be flexible... it sounds like the two of you are hardheaded. If that's the case, if you are inflexible, you might go through the same thing with the next person.

Why don't you two sit down, and make a list of as many things you can think of that you like to do... then compare lists and see how many things you really do have in common.

To have a happy relationship that lasts, both peeps must have a good attitude and be flexible and open-minded.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 60
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 7:47:23 AM

It's very difficult because there are so many things besides dancing that are interests that we don't share. There are things we like to do together, but this is a really small town and there are limited things to do.

Now he wants me to go in half on a motor home.


I find it odd to think of buying a motor home and camping in the wild in the same context. Setting up a tent in the middle of nowhere in NOT similar to having a motor home.

It's cheap enough to wilderness camp and you can do it with a car. Just drive to the nearest location to a trail, backpack in your tent and supplies. My brother drove to Alaska and lived in the wilderness for 6 months, he never owned a motor home.

While motor homes aren't roughing it, they are as the name implies, mobile homes. They usually get hooked up to AC and fittings for sewage dumping.

I am afraid neither one of you sound very similar in what you enjoy doing.
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 61
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 11:10:48 AM
He came up with the motor home idea when I told him I didn't want to sleep on the ground on an air mattress. I've done it before and it might be ok if we each had our own mattress. Actually I prefer not to camp at all, but seeing things I've never seen before and going to new places in a motor home (later on down the road sounds kinda fun. If he had his way, we would have sleeping bags on the river front right now.
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