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 mr_grins72
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 1
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Really confusedPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ok i have been seeing this girl for a bit, ( 7 months ) we dont' live in the same town, so we dont' see each other much, she wants to take our relationship to teh next level ( up til now it's just been freindly ) she's starting to get really pushy at one point she told me she was my girl like it or not. i'm hesitant of relationships i was with a woman for 7 years and yes i'm guilty of dragging my feet a bit but I digress.

The dilemma is my life is a mess right now I just graduated from college and don't have a job, i can't seriously date anyone more than a freindly level until i'm stable, btu she seems to jsut say ME ME ME, I like her but i can't focus on her right now until i get myself squares away ...sheesh i thought women would respect that ...part of me says to just take her out take her home and that be that ...so then at least i can focus on my life... ANYONE have ideas???
 WINDSORONT2
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 2
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:49:40 PM

.sheesh i thought women would respect that



Some do--some don't...

If your life is so messed up right now I don't see why you would get involved or stay involved in a long distance relationship..or any relationship for that matter.
 wutznot2love
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 3
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 12:51:47 PM
I don't understand; how does she define taking things to the next level? Sleeping together? Living together? Getting married?
 ripley65
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 4
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:16:30 PM

can't seriously date anyone more than a freindly level until i'm stable, btu she seems to jsut say ME ME ME, I like her but i can't focus on her right now until i get myself squares away .



Tell her just exactly that. Period.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 5
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:18:15 PM
ummm... you should be somewhat thankful that a woman would even consider wanting something from you.... you are 36 and don't have your shit together?? I know you just finished school.... but hell I worked full time and went to school full time for both my BA and MA... it is possible to have your life together and go to school....

bottomline.... you aren't interested in her... if you were we wouldn't be having this conversation.... because she obviously has no expectations of you.... so the only pressure she is putting on you is to commit... damn shame she doesn't see that you don't want that.....
 wutznot2love
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 6
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:22:40 PM

ummm... you should be somewhat thankful that a woman would even consider wanting something from you.... you are 36 and don't have your shit together?? I know you just finished school.... but hell I worked full time and went to school full time for both my BA and MA... it is possible to have your life together and go to school....


Hey that's a bit uncalled for don't you think? you don't know his previous life situation or why he's completing his education at this stage in life. The important thing is that he's doing it. It's kind of arrogant to presume that become one person was able to do something, that everyone else should be able to as well and that if they don't/can't, they're somehow worth less.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 7
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:26:09 PM
hmmm.... not arrogant of me to think that he should be thankful that someone would put aside the fact that he is still very much a work in progress... she was good enough for him to be with when he had nothing..... and now that he is looking to stabilize.... he isn't sure she is what he wants??? again.... I say he isn't into her...

and sorry... you can change careers late in life.... but there really isn't a reason to be unemployed....
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 8
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:27:46 PM
Ok dude, your still on a dating site; speaks volumns in your not all that serious about her.

If she is saying ME ME ME ME ME ME ME....sorry got stuck in that track....What do you think she will be saying down the road?

Despite the bashing you got from another poster, there is NOTHING wrong with not having your $hit together at 36...Heck a lot of guys don't have it together at 46, and then some never get it together.

I would tell this gal in a very straight forward read my lips, I am telling you the facts of life here.... I am NOT STABLE, and having more than a friendly relationship is NOT going to happen... If you don't want to stick around, that is fine, I understand... OTHER WISE, if you don't mind give me some space...

Caving in is NOT going to make the situation better...
 LolaMaxwell
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 9
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:37:20 PM
I agree, by dragging his heels and looking for excuses why he should NOT be with her, the OP indicates to me that he is just not that into her.

OP, if you WERE, you'd find a way to be with her, regardless of what was going on in your life.

Sounds like you need to let her go.
 Sketchness
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 10
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 1:51:00 PM
>>>but hell I worked full time and went to school full time for both my BA and MA... it is possible to have your life together and go to school.... <<<<<

You can complete school and be working and still not have your shit together. ^^^^

Like the other posters I would just tell her this is what I have to offer. she can take it or leave it. But don't be a dog. If you are just using this as an excuse to see other people you need to be honest about that as well.
 mr_grins72
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 11
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:42:46 PM
Thank you but i have my shit together,if i did not then how would i know where the problem areas, alsoI never said i was unemployed, in fact i'm working 2 jobs, but they are not worth much, what I meant by looking for a job is looking for a job in what i went to school for. And if you must know i was in the military for 10 years where i got my first degree, a BS is Behavior psychology. soon after I got out me and my fiancee of 7 years split so I went back to school and recieve 2 more degrees.

I live on my own, I pay my own bills, i buy my own things, to me that is having my shit together....my daddy one told me never assume, because it makes an ass out of you and me, I think that is very relevant

the only thing i have to be grateful for is life, everything else is a bonus
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 12
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:52:11 PM
I am confused then..... your first post stated that you are not employed (had no job).... and now you are saying I assumed something by stating you weren't?? because you are now saying you have 2 jobs?? which is it??? you are the one who implied that you didn't have your life together and had nothing to offer her.... but I guess having someone agree with you wasn't good.... next time read what you wrote.. and don't presume that people assumed.... because in the end... your dad may be right.. you are just thinking the wrong person is the a$$...
 Sketchness
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 13
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:52:45 PM
>>>>The dilemma is my life is a mess right now I just graduated from college and don't have a job,<<<<<<<

From your original post. Perhaps you speak a different kind of english than the rest of the world.

Which doesn't get you off the hook either iiicici.
 jordanalyssa
Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 14
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 4:53:23 PM
If you have talked with her about what you have just shared with us and she does not respect that.....then, my friend, she does not respect you...and does not deserve you.
...and you know what that means.
Always, always take care of yourself first. Do what you need to do to make your life stable and then see someone who will respect your confidence and accomplishments.
 mr_grins72
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 15
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:05:32 PM
ok in the first post i should have put a worth while job. Thanks jordan, this has been goin gon for several months back and forth. I just didn't want to be mean to her she has been hurt and I didn't want to add to it, guess i should just be matter of fact with her and let it be however it ends, thanks
 MoDeStMoMmy
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 16
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:09:25 PM
I actually feel for the girl....OP have you led her on all this time or was it clear from the start that you did not want a serious relationship? I really cannot see someone sticking around for 7 months if there was not a light at the end of the tunnel......So my question to you is why did you string her along for 7 months if you were not interested?

 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 17
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:11:23 PM
lol.@Sketch


funny.... didn't think this thread was about me..... and funny how agreeing with him has made me the bad guy in this thread.... didn't know I was on the hook for anything.... all I did was give my opinion and agree with him..... he isn't in a position to start something with her.. for several reasons.... the main one being as I said before HE DOESN"T REALLY WANT TO...... if he did he wouldn't be asking strangers to assist him in the decision making process.. he would know he wants to be with her.... and be thankful she was willing to take a chance on a man who was a work in progress......

great that he went back to school.... great that he has however many degrees.... great that he wants more.... and even better when he gets there..... but he is the one that has made the excuses for why he isn't with her... I just agreed......
 4girls and me
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 18
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:15:21 PM
It has always been my experience that if a relationship is right for me, I can't wait to see the person as often as I can, and take it to the next level.

Also, when you care for someone, you do not win their affection by demanding more than they can offer.

This relationship appears to me to be one where two people neither focus on nor understand each other's needs or feelings.

After 7 months, you would expect to more than "like " her.

Maybe time to start fresh with someone who really stimulates your interest in a future together.
 mr_grins72
Joined: 2/17/2007
Msg: 19
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:20:13 PM
I told her from the start, I don't think I have led her on, she knows about my passed relationship and knows that i will take things slow, lately she has just been getting more and more pushy and I have told her the same things over and over again, " I'm not at the same place you are right now, maybe in the future I will be,but not now " things are good for a bit and then it starts over again.
I know i'm not innocent, and it's not that i'm not interested. it's that everytime we do spend time together she gets pushy and start trying to get me to make a committment to her. I never lied to her or anyone about my feelings. but after reading all these posts and putting though into the replies I think I have to be a tad brutal and sever all ties. Which is too bad because we do have a blast, she just gets to pushy afterward about committing instead of letting it happen on its own .
 MoDeStMoMmy
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 20
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:24:42 PM
OP I can understand where you are comming from but when you say that you said maybe in the future in my opinion that is stringing her along you gave her HOPE and if you did not know what you wanted you never should have said anything at all.

I have been in a similar situaton (with my daughters dad) and for 3 years I got the we will take things slow, maybe we will be together but I dont know yet. It hurts so I think you need to make up your mind, by now you should know whether you want to commit to her or not and you need to make a choice.
 bacalao
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 21
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:47:44 PM
there is NOTHING wrong with not having your $hit together at 36...Heck a lot of guys don't have it together at 46, and then some never get it together.


What does it mean having it together?
I'm 49 and nobody ever told me I have to get anything together
Dude you are scare of commitment,
 mr internet
Joined: 5/10/2008
Msg: 22
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 5:55:03 PM
Decide what you want, tell her what that is, she what she wants, and go from there.
 Sketchness
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 23
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:10:25 PM
Its okay iiiciciii I can take it.

You can't talk a little smack on an internet board and then not be able to laugh at yourself. Your orginal post came of a bit crass at best.

OP! You know the answer to your dilema : Communication, she can either take or leave what you have to offer. But you can't temper your conversation to match her life experience. All you can do is be honest and candid!
 anotheramy
Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 24
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Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:38:47 PM
How do you define your relationship with this girl? Is she your girlfriend? Is your relationship serious? Exclusive? And what exactly is it she is wanting you to do? Does she just want you to define your relationship? Is she pushing you into marriage?

After 7 months, you really can't blame her for wanting to clarify the status of the relationship and really solidify something with you. You stated "she told me she was my girl like it or not" which leads me to believe that you aren't even committed enough to her to be in a real relationship with her. 7 months into this, I think she has been patient to wait this long. Keeping things on "a friendly level" for 7 months? I would have moved on a long time ago if I were her.

If you care about this girl and you want a relationship with her, you are going to have to talk things out with her.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 25
Really confused
Posted: 5/19/2008 7:07:51 PM
I have to say that I'm really confused too. I just don't understand how you can flat out tell her that you are not at the same place that she is and STILL continue seeing her. You know you are leading this lady on. If you know that she is wanting something serious, why not end it. It's better than feeling pushed into something you are not ready for. There is a solution to every problem and sometimes we may not like what the solution is, but it has to be done. Let her go and concentrate on getting your life together.
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