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 Author Thread: How do YOU know when it's over?
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 104 (view)
 
How do YOU know when it's over?
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:38:40 PM
hmmm .... my assessment is....

move on


don't shack up so quick, you are young, get your own life going, you need to find another place, get the hard part over and break up.



Thank you, drive thru...
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Does this drive all men nuts?
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:33:26 PM
Stop expecting anything in return, and decide if you are okay with that.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Being Ignored?
Posted: 7/22/2009 9:42:45 PM
OK, I don't know what is going on, but for me, I have three kids and work to balance--things that cannot be ignored.

When I get really busy, I get a little irritable about the fact that other single people in the dating pool, who want to date me, and I would like to date them, go to work for 8 hours then literally have NOTHING tp do for the rest of their day. NO responsibilities, groceries, errands, homework......They call and want to know when they can see me, they watch t.v., go to happy hour, go to bed and start their day over. They have no idea what it is like to actually be REALLY BUSY, and how it feels like pressure when someone is going, "pay attention to me".

Bottom line...... my time is really precious to me, and I feel like the other person is simply..... passing the time. I get really irritable when they want to tell me about what T.V. show they watched that day, because it just shows me that that my life, for the moment, is all about my priorities, when they are looking for someone to simply pass the time with. Eventually, if they don't already realize that this is my life and it's not going to work, I shut them out of my life, because the imbalance is too great. Maybe that's why she took you off facebook...... people with too much time become really annoying to people under pressure.


So, if you are REALLY into this girl, who is also a mom, and it's not too late---- Get busy with something in your life, and send her flowers to show how you feel. She'll call you when she's available, if she's into you, too, and eventually, you'll become a priority.

If you aren't really into her, just move on, it probably won't hurt her either. She knows her priorities. Moms are not easy to date.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 147 (view)
 
Chuck it all, Sailboat around the world With Kids
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:54:11 PM
Absolutely. I've had close friends who have done this, it's a different lifestyle, but I would love to do this.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
He's from the sperm bank honey!....
Posted: 7/14/2009 4:52:41 PM
no child has a choice in who their parents are, or whether or not they even wanted to be born. Think about that. That's why I really try to do the best for my kids and I believe I owe it to them... It was my choice to bring them in the world, they really didn't get a say in the matter.

I think anyone who goes to a sperm bank must have really wanted to raise a child and will give it a nurturing environment, which can't be worse than all the people who got knocked up and thought they did the kid are real favor not to get an abortion, or the couples who have a baby to try to save their dissolving marriage. It's their legal right.

 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Was she cheating...???
Posted: 7/13/2009 10:21:13 PM
well, I wouldn't say she was cheating. It probably was a friendship, but it sounds like your relationship was just weak, since she didn't tell you what she was doing. Maybe she didn't tell you because it was a friendship and she felt like you wouldn't trust her, which would also tell me that your relationship was weak.

I'm thinking "push came to shove" when you told her to cut this man out completely or you were done? just because she chose the friendship, doesn't mean it was more than that.

Just move on, you two couldn't have been great together, probably just filling the time until she was really ready for what she wanted in life.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Online dating vs Social groups
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:14:19 PM
DEFINATELY a social group that has events and parties.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 66 (view)
 
Defiance and Rebellion in a relationship
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:09:56 PM
All I can say is that the person saying "I forbid it" better MEAN IT, and be ready to end the relationship if the other person makes the decision to go forward with the Forbidden thing. And the person choosing the forbidden thing better want that thing more than they want their relationship.

It's just how any relationship ends--he made his choice, you made yours.

Generally, not a good idea to make a person feel trapped if you want the relationship to continue.


I've been known to "forbid" some things.... verbal abuse, excessive drinking....he made his choice and I made mine. But there is something about that word that becomes very controlling, just like the response "I'm entitled" is very immature. For me it was more like, "we can work this out when you agree to stop doing these angry rebellious things, or it will be too late, and maybe that is what you want."
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 100 (view)
 
When are you most happiest?
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:12:31 PM
I can be happy just about anywhere, and happiest is more of a state of mind that what I'm doing or where I am.... however, generally, I am happiest when I'm with someone special to me.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 84 (view)
 
When are you most happiest?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:13:31 PM
I have a question for those of you that described the feelings of you being most happy doing solitary things.... experiencing nature, or an activity that you do by yourself. I think it's good to be happy when you are alone.... but why bother with a relationship at all if you are really HAPPIEST when you are alone?


This is a genuine question, I was married to a person for twelve years who was happiest in solitude, and it was a terribly lonely relationship for me. I was only there so he could experience "family life" in his spare time and when it was convenient for him, because that is was his family expected of him.

One day, as our marriage was really unraveling and I was near the end of my rope with it, I saw a post-it on his desk with this exact question, " when am I most happy?" Clearly, he was not happy and had been reflecting, and I KNEW by his behavior that the answer was NOT that he was happy with me or our children. It wasn't long before I finally left after years of frustration and lack of affection. He's still angry with me for not keeping the appearance of a family man for him, while he made decisions thinking only for himself. I feel like I did him a favor and gave him was he really wanted, and even though he's angry, he spends more time doing his own thing.

Why would a person like that, who puts no effort into a relationship, be on a site like this wanting a "relationship"? REALLY, WHY? Do they want an accessory, a convenience, or think that they'll be different when they find "the one". I think we are who we are and some people are just happiest alone, and should not hurt other people by pretending to want someone in their lives.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
What is your opinion Worth?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:58:15 AM
Yep, I think about it and I hope they do read what I write. Then they would know what I'm really like and I wouldn't get dumb emails that just say "hello".
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Would you forgive that man?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:27:17 AM
Why don't people like this just TAKE A BREAK from relationships?????

Do you also cook in a dirty pot before washing it? It makes a MESS and everything tastes funky!
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 126 (view)
 
Astrology
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:23:36 AM
I think you must have had a lot of "relationships" in order to make such catagorizations!!!
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Cant get past email!
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:21:21 AM
If you want to get past email and she doesn't, it really doesn't matter why.

There are hundreds of plausible reasons. They don't matter. Just stop writing. She isn't what you want. She isn't real. Spend your time on someone else.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Are women who don't need men likely to ever find one and be happy?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:10:35 AM
not every man appreciates being needed. In fact, some don't want to be needed at all, they don't want to feel "responsible". Some women like to be needed.

So you can't logically say that women who don't need a man will not find one. They just won't find one who wants to be needed.

I like to be needed. I don't like to a be something kept at home for convenience when my man is in the mood for me. So I'm not interested in men who treat me that way. It's that simple. Doesn't mean they won't find someone else.


I think that common theme of so many threads is....Everyone thinks like I do.......and if I'm not interested, it's because there is something wrong with that person, not something wrong with me.....
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
 
artistic creativity and compatibility
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:14:14 AM
I have found that I really cannot be in a relationship with a person that does not have a creative outlet.... Because without creativity, what do you do? You consume, take up space, pass the time, entertain yourself... without contributing anything meaningful to the world you live in. I don't care what the creative outlet is... art, cooking, design, music, writing, poetry, gardening, landscaping, whatever... but nurture some creativity, or I don't feel like he really "gets me".

That said, I've gone out with artists who were completely annoying and a total drain in every way, totally self absorbed and high maintenance, so I need someone also practical, like myself.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Confussed
Posted: 6/30/2009 12:08:53 AM
I think you sound impatient and demanding.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 177 (view)
 
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:55:40 PM
I would, as long as the man brings as much or more to the "table" as he takes. I don't mind high-maintenence kids, it's the high maintenance husband I'm avoiding! I do anything in a relationship that is really satisfying where I'm appreciated and cherished.

I know that children with a disabilty are a lot of work, I'm a special ed teacher, but I could see that it could work with a person who I had a great relationship with and was also a really giving person.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
would you get involved???
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:42:11 PM
Personally, I wouldn't get invovled, because I have kids, and I would never move them for me to possibly find love, so I think it would be a wasted of my time to be invested emotionally in a relationship that might not ever be what I THINK it is, and miss out on REALITY here in my town.

HOWEVER, if you are mobile, and this person really has potential, it could be worth it. After all, you are lucky to find real love and a real partner anytime, anywhere. I've seen it happen and people are very happy.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Can someone define serial dating?
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:35:12 PM
Not everyone does it like "Good witch". I've always dated like j!dub suggested--Parallel dating. I like to see what their personality is like over time, without the stress of a "relationship", until I believe it should be exclusive. I've had a lot of dates, but not a lot of boyfriends or multiple bedpartners, because I'm not rotating through them every six weeks! With all the STDs, I don't need the exponential risk, either. When you go out with more people, when one finally stands out from the others---it lasts long term.

My opinion of serial daters is that they are afraid to be alone, so they always have a "boyfriend", whether it's a good match or not, until they get bored or something better comes along. I don't think Goodwitch meant it that way. Some people date one at a time, but there are other ways to live. And "witch" is right, it starts in about 7th grade. I remember girls telling me to "go with" this guy Frankie, because you have to start somewhere and then I'd have a boyfriend. Like for practice? until I can't stand it? HELLO? Why are women so stupid?

I never felt "alone" and I could always get a date to go out. In high school, I went to three Proms in one year, and no, I did not have sex with any of them, and I'm SO GLAD I didn't! Saved myself from a lot of trouble! I'm single again, and no, I'm not committing until someone really stands out.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
addiction recovery and dating risk
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:20:22 PM
oh, good questions.

For me, it's not an acceptable risk. I'm 35, and I don't think I'll feel differently at 52.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Other Woman Versus Ending Relationship
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:30:42 AM
I just would have waited until after work. I can't stand drama in the workplace.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 131 (view)
 
I Want Someone Like ME- is it too much to ask?
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:27:36 AM
I'm curious OP. Once you find this woman who is what you evisioned for yourself, and let's say she likes you, too, what next? So you also have the timeline of progression of the relationship and the roles for each person defined? Will you need to get married in a certain amount of time to feel like it's right? Will you have children? Will you or she make career sacrifices for them, or both of you? Will someone have to relocate and change jobs?

Are you going to me more flexible about your expectations in the relationship? I mean, you might find the perfect person for you, who is unwilling to actually DO anything you expect! And if you have certain criteria you have it for a reason, right?
For example, does she need an education in order to pay half the mortgage on a big house, or to properly educate your children? Do you have a clear picture of what you want for your life.... or just a clear picture of a person who would complete you without bringing your status down? do you want a partner or an accessory? What do you want this women for? It all makes a difference.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 117 (view)
 
I Want Someone Like ME- is it too much to ask?
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:42:52 PM
You are thinking too much like an engineer.

At least a third of the single guys I've met since I have been single are engineers. Go figure. You are going to have to stop thinking in such a linear way of problem solving. SO are trying to solve your single status with something of a math equation.

It's really quite funny for us creative types. You need someone NOT like you it more ways than you imagine!
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 70 (view)
 
The silent treatment after a first date
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:32:50 PM
So, if you decide that you don't want to see someone anymore, do you just ignore them? Or do you let tell them on the phone or via text or email that it's over?


Personally, I would only say "It's over", if "it" was really some kind of relationship, which a first date is not. If you don't hear back after a first date, that's code for "it's not happening", not "it's over".


But if you really want to, come to Tucson, and we can go out, and if you really need to hear it, I'll tell you it's over for us after our date. If it will help...I'll even pay for dinner. But we'll have to go to a taco shop, because I'm pretty broke, too.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 69 (view)
 
The silent treatment after a first date
Posted: 6/20/2009 11:28:55 PM
I honestly think that many women just don't want to progress past the first date with anyone, unless they are REALLY into that person, and they just hold back until they find someone they are really into. It's not that they don't like you, they just don't see themselves "with you".

They enjoy the attention of the chats and texts and let things progress to a first date with many men, but they know they don't want to give up that attention from other men unless they are REALLY into you. SO things only progress to a first date.


I should know, I've been on a lot of first dates!!! There is no reason I want to give someone that would hurt their feelings or make them feel like there is something wrong with them, but I don't want to mislead anyone, so I just stop showing interest... most people don't need to have it spelled out to them. Seriously, I wouldn't want to run into them at a party and have them say " she said it wouldn't work because....." I'm really, who cares why? I did have to explain it to one persistent guy, and really, I don't think it helped him understand at all to have to tell him that I knew myself well enough to know we wouldn't work well in a relationship. He was so persistent, I fell like he just wanted a girlfriend... any one will do...
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Could use advise
Posted: 6/20/2009 5:14:46 PM
All I can wonder is to what degree drugs have been involved in your life, because you really seem like you don't know which way is up anymore. Is your head clear? Really, I'm not just trying to be sassy.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Walking away verses closure
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:44:05 AM
People need closure. But demanding answers doesn't really give them that.

They would be better off giving themselves closure than demanding it from someone else, or they are going to keep coming up shortchanged.

For example, "I can accept that I will never really understand what his/her motivations or desires were, but since they obviously don't want me, or treated me that way, I have no need to look back and even try to understand. It's just over, and I wouldn't go back to that"

When you can get to that point, you feel closure.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 73 (view)
 
he kissed my hand
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:07:47 AM
oh, He's good. Just look at how he's making you want him...
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
PARENTS and Boyfriends dont mix
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:06:10 AM
Haha, if you think parents are hard to get around, try kids!
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 94 (view)
 
What women really want from a guy
Posted: 6/14/2009 12:16:08 AM
OH, I only give the normal guys a second look. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's the guys who have to spend a few hours a day at the gym to maintain their body, and are always checking themselves out. Those kind of guys don't have enough time for what I want in a relationship, they just want a part time arm decoration to complete their look. barf.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Dating vs Relationship
Posted: 6/14/2009 12:03:16 AM
I find it so sad and strange to see women of your age as confused and indecisive about relationships as someone in their teens.


Drop him... immediately, never look back. Life isn't a romantic comedy where people go through this kind of weirdness and end up in a happy relationship. It's actually far less complicated, and much better when you take control of your life and relationships and cut through the crap.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Marriages Fatal Flaw
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:26:43 PM
I get so tired of bitter men ****ing about their divorce when they probably sat on their ass and didn't do shit to keep the relationship healthy and functional. I just don't believe that there are really that many victims out there.

The problem is, some people are so blind to their own shortcomings that they just didnt see it coming and think they are victims, when they probably just had an unhealthy relationship and failed to change it, or end it, once it was obvious that the other was so deep in denial about their own responsibilty that a change in the relationship would not be possible.

There are a lot of decent men out there, dedicated to their marriages, and a few that end up with a spouse who just needs to be single again to feel "liberated", but honestly, I also see a lot of men with the attitude that getting married is like purchasing a rug..... you do it, the put thought in the decision, but after that.... you just walk all over it and you are glad that it's there so you don't have to go shopping and buy another one........which would be a real pain.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Are women just busier than guys?
Posted: 6/13/2009 11:14:01 PM
Yes, Women are busier than men. We multitask, we get more mail, we get more done, and even more things started and unfinished. Any more questions?
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
How Conditional is Love?
Posted: 6/13/2009 10:59:08 PM
Love can be unconditional.

Relationships are entirely conditional, and by nature ,cannot be otherwise.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Will He Commit Or What
Posted: 5/20/2009 8:36:11 PM
Sound like you've got a good thing going. Enjoy it. If this is the worst thing you can complain about, seriously, you have a good thing going.

I think he is right, a commitment of any kind will spoil it, because he says it will, so it will for him..... which will ruin it for you. You may decide you want someone who says, " I love you", and that's okay. Just find someone new. But don't stay and complain about the one you are with.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I need a push, please help.
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:38:24 PM
honestly girl, do you really need to feel victimized to feel important? Aren't you done yet? Don't you have a better way to feel good about yourself than thinking about how you don't get what you deserve and get treated like crap? As long as he treats you badly, you feel like you are better than him. You are addicted to it, or you be out by now. When are you going to decided to find another addiction?

Your list tells the whole story. The longer you stay, the longer the list, and you know it. The longer the list, the bigger victim you are, and only good people become victims, right? You probably aren't that innocent yourself, but can keep telling yourself you are better than him.


You said you needed a push. Had enough?
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Does finding out a person has started smoking bother you?
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:26:28 PM
Since you asked, Yes ,I would break up with someone if they picked up the habit again. I just don't want to be with someone who has a controlling addiction to any substance, that's just me. There are plenty of others who are fine with it, so he can date them!
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
the one you want second most
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:19:09 PM
Why would you bounce into another relationship when you aren't over the last one? Is this a habit of yours? Do you need to be with someone or what? Why not just be alone for a little while? Seriously. Why not just be okay with just being with yourself and see how you feel about a new one in time?


As long as this new guy know you are pining for the other and he is okay with that (it can happen, I know I'm always honest, and have found that some people really are okay being second choice as long as they get to be with you!), then keep seeing him. Otherwise, Get over it. You need to eventually anyway. If you aren't with the one you want, accept the reality that he isn't the one for you.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:12:06 PM
"For a discerning woman, in 15 -30 words you've already gone from "possible" to "next"."


This is so true, and j!dub nailed it. Women can tell if there is chemistry, but she probably has several other ways she looks for character and friendship before determining if she wants to be with you. But what's the point of finding out what kindof guy you are is there is NO chemistry in the first place, unless you are okay with a new female friend.

A guys once asked me on a date, if he was someone I'd sleep with. I told him honestly that I hadn't ruled him out yet, so there was still a chance. Then his was so horny by the end of the night and pursued me so heavily, I lost interest completely and ruled him out forever, because I don't want to sleep with a guy who honestly thinks if he just pursues harder, I'll give in, after I've said it's not happening tonight.

It makes me wonder how he behaves every time he doesn't get what he want right away, and that's not the kind of person I make my emotions or body vulernable to.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Moral Dilemma - What to do?
Posted: 5/17/2009 11:52:47 AM
while they both have some insecurities and self-esteem issues, MANY people do, and they are not worth trashing a good relationship over.

She should put what she found behind her, because she found NOTHING worth destroying her relationship over, stop spying, and enjoy whatever it is she enjoys about this man--after all, it's her first good relationship in 5 years!

They should focus on the decision they've made to take the next step in the relationship and put all their energy into enjoying each other.


And besides, it's pretty normal to consider other options before making a committment to the next step. They important thing is the decision MADE, not the options considered.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 167 (view)
 
Why are so many attractive people divorced?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:48:51 AM
I understand what you are saying... I mean, I'm divorced, I'm attractive... why am I divorced, and why are there so many "good catches" in the pool again?

well, it's an easy question to answer. The one person they wanted to be with got tired of their crap and decided they weren't good enough, or the other way around.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
What do you honestly hate about
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:37:41 PM
Even in a good relationship, what I REALLY hate is being Half of a couple. I just want to remain 'whole' for the rest of my life, so I don't have to go through the pain of realizing that I devoted my life to being "half".

If I ever marry again, I won't change my name again, and I won't make my entire social circle of people we know as a couple. And as far as work goes, whether I'm married or single is nobody's business. I keep my personal life much more private now, after experiencing a very public divorce and rebuilding my life as a single person.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
That awful F word.
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:33:18 PM
I don't think that the end of a relationship is a failure, sometimes you just need to move on when you figure out that it wasn't meant to be forever.

The end of a marriage is a failure though. You both made a committment because you intended it to be life-long and it didn't last, so even if it's not your fault, you still failed to achieve what you intended. sometimes there is no way to continue, and you just have to accept that you did your best and failed. We all fail sometimes. You might fail to get into graduate school, or something else, but it happens. Sometimes you just have to accept that you tried, you gave it your best and you failed to accomplish what you wanted.

it doesn't make me worthless or mean I regret trying, it was worth it. Sometimes we just have to accept that good, talented people still fail. Look at Baseball--they hardly ever hit the ball, and if they do, rarely make it to base, but it's still worth playing.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 49 (view)
 
when do u meet the parents?
Posted: 4/13/2009 9:29:56 AM
To address the question:

You have to decide what to do. Some families don't introduce a girlfriend until marriage is on the table. If they bring someone around too soon, there are questions, judgements made, etc, that they don't want to deal with unless they are very sure the love their partner as much as their family and are willing to stand up to their family to defend their partner.

I wanted to meet my man's family, mostly out of curiousity and to hang out with him when he had to go over there for holidays. He put it off until he wanted to introduce me. Only afterwards he told me that I was only the 3rd woman he ever introduced, and he's 45 years old, never married! Now they are constantly asking when we'll marry and I don't want to disappoint them, but I'm not ready, so it makes every meeting uncomfortable for me. Be careful what you wish for!
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 47 (view)
 
when do u meet the parents?
Posted: 4/13/2009 9:23:39 AM

" dont think im going to be taken less serious if i write wen instead of when, or wot instead of what"


You are right and wrong about that. It depends on who you want to be taken seriously by..13 year olds, or people your age?

You will always be judged by the English you use, even in a multicultural world; this much I can assure you. Standard English should be used if you want to be taken seriously anywhere, unless it's important to show you belong to a group that uses a certain dialect

Apparently, you belong to the "fluent in chat/text speak group". Good for you, it's a skill that many of us don't have, but the audience you are addressing is diverse, and you will get more respect if you use standard English.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Acceptable shortcomings in a potential mate
Posted: 4/12/2009 7:32:53 PM
OK, this is fun. There are shortcomings I can accept, provided that all the right things are right and there are no "dealbreakers" for me.

Obesity--As long as he isn't a couch potato and can live an active life, I don't judge a person for their weight. It's hard to look the other way when he's applying butter to his bread or mayonaise on his sandwich, but I do.

Obsessing about his weight/physical fitness-- I almost can't stand this, but I will tolerate it if he is otherwise attentive to others and not totally self absorbed.

Occasional excessive drinking--as long as he doesn't become violent, verbally abusive, or think he can drive.

Body hair in the wrong places... we can just shave that off, right?

Cursing--as long as it's not in anger at me, my kids, or my parents, I really don't care. Occasionally, I have to remind him that my house is rated G, but really, is that worth making an issue out of?

Flirting with other women---I'm not threatened and I think it's damn funny to watch.

26 of his closest female friends at his birthday party... sure, why not, I'm still the most important one and what kind of guy would be like if he didn't know how to be friends with a woman.

His apartment should be condemned---again... just look the other way, we can hang out at my place and if we live together, he can pay for the maid, since he's obviously not going to change.

Smelly feet--this is a tough one. But foot deodorant, febreeze, fresh socks can do wonders, and actually, getting the dead skin off helps.

Snoring---Thankfully I sleep deeply.

Unnaturally cheerful in the morning---what can I say, if this is the worst thing I have to live with, I can cope.

Falling asleep at the theater---as long as he paid for the tickets, what can I say? But I'd be pissed if I took him out and he feel asleep.

Average grammar--I can't live with poor grammar, but I can let the little things slide, like "you're" and "your", as long as he is otherwise intelligent and can blame it on his upbringing.

Things I won't stand for: Drugs, smoking, verbal abuse, bad driving, turning up his nose at a meal I cook, Manorexic or Narcissitic, lacking sense of humor, very religious or superstitious, boring. or intolerant of others. I don't have to choose everyone for a partner in life, but I do accept them for who they are, and I can't be around people who can't also do that.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Honest Opinion Needed
Posted: 4/12/2009 7:57:59 AM
Yeah, I think you played him. You falsely led him to believe you were easy so you could use him for sex, and then cut him off when he sincerely shared a fantasy about the kind of women he hoped you were and really wanted in a relationship.

You got your "hot guy"sex, So now you can feel validated that you are still sexy and desirable, so maybe you should keep that in mind, and next time you want a "relationship", wait on the sex until you know the person better and are actually in a relationship, not the 1st date. Otherwise you are going to end up screwing a LOT of people, trying to make one of them your SO. If that's what you want, fine. You could screw someone new each night of the week if you are even half attractive--it's nothing special.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
If we could Rewind?
Posted: 4/11/2009 10:39:39 AM
I would rewind to a certain point in my marriage and left sooner. My self esteem would be more intact if I had called his bluff when he said "I'm done with you", but threatened to take the kids from me if I left. But we were living on an island, outside the US, with three kids, I felt needed at my job, plus I had no where to go. He knew he didn't want the responsibility of the kids, but he didn't want them to leave the island with me, if I left, so he told me he would follow me and take the kids because he earned more and would hire better lawyers to win custody. It took me ten months to figure out a plan to leave, and I felt like a hostage and a slave. It took another six months to get jurisdiction in Arizona to file for divorce and feel safe.

I wish I could have figured it how to call his bluff sooner, because I think the prolonged stress may have permanently damaged my nervous system. It's been almost two years since I left and over a year since I've been divorced and officially "safe" from emotional abuse. I still cannot speak about almost anything in my personal history without breaking out in a rash, because my body cannot distinguish the difference between a past and present threat if something triggers a past memory, so I have an adrenaline response. At this point I honestly think I might have PTSD, and I wonder if it's permanent. I'm safe, I'm raising my kids, I'm in a healthy relationship, I am valued at my job, I've gone to hours of counseling. I can't believe that after this much time, I'm still breaking out in visable red spots when I have to talk about myself--not even about the divorce or the island--when I talk about ANYTHING that might trigger follow-up questions that I don't want to answer.

If I could rewind, I would have packed my bags, pulled out the credit card and caught the next plane, with the kids, and told everyone that my husband was "done with me", and I was only on that island for him. I would have gone to family or even a shelter in the US and gotten help for legal issues. I was too afraid of failing and losing my kids. My advice to anyone in an emotionally abusive and threatening relationship is to get help, get out, because I think the prolonged stress can permanently damage your nervous system. I tell myself not to despair, maybe I just need more time to heal, but I don't know. Guess I can only keep going to counseling and try to build up those emotional walls so I don't feel so vulnerable.
 arizonabeth
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 68 (view)
 
How many will never marry again and how many change their minds?
Posted: 4/11/2009 9:48:30 AM
TO answer your question:
The state required a "parenting class" if children were involved in divorce.
They told us at that class that, although we all probably felt like we'd never marry again, that the fact is, statistically, 80% of us would marry again within 5 years and out of those, 65% would be divorced in the following 5 years. They cited the stress of triangular relationships (husband/wife/stepchildren, husband/wife/exwife, husband/exwife/children....etc.) involved in a second marriage as the main reason there was an even greater chance of divorce, even if you think you chose smarter the second time around, based on what you knew didn't work, and even though you swore you'd never do it again. Statistically, people who marry will likely marry again.


I've given those statistics a lot of thought, especially when I think about marrying again. Sometimes I feel like I should vow never to marry again, no matter how secure the relationship seems. Sometimes I feel like I don't care if I become another statistic and end up divorced again, it would be worth it to feel so hopeful that I'd actually be able to marry again. Most of the time, I feel like marriage should be a short-term legal contract, that can either be renewed or not, same as a job contract, and nobody should ever assume that the contract is "forever", but that kind of goes against the traditional concept of marriage.

I think it's time to redefine marriage. While gays and lesbians want in on this deal, I think that "life-long" committments should not be assumed, and everyone should have an option of a short term marriage, where you can walk away at the end of the contract with your life somewhat intact because you were prepared to either renew it or go separate ways. Obligations to the children are always assumed to contine after the end of the marriage contract.

With the divorce rate the way it is, this is the system we are moving to as a society anyway, might as well just spell it out as an optional type of marriage and make it official.
 
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