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 Author Thread: under a spell?
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
under a spell?
Posted: 12/24/2012 12:57:58 PM
This sounds like a nightmare or a bad soap opera. From what I have read so far the OP hasn't actually said anything truly nice about his "love". Every thing has a snide undertone or a "but" in it. No mention of any redeeming qualities about her-just listing all her flaws-if he says this to strangers-can you imagine what he says to her?

The op went off like a 5 yr old and pouted in a room-fuming about what she didn't do to make him happy-he seems to never once have thought that maybe she was feeling the exact same way and was waiting to see if he'd get over his tantrum.

From this side of things it seems there is one very needy, very immature, very self-centered and indulgent person in this relationship-and it's not the woman. Also there is a sense of extreme male insecurity-the need to point out their "good looks", all they do, their "high standards", an elitist attitude, etc. as if looking for validation and assurance.

I'm thinking the OP needs some serious counseling, on his own, she may need some (either because of previous issues or because of the issues created by the OP), and then maybe, just maybe couples therapy might work.

I'd say end the relationship and work on yourself OP.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Are People Looking For a Partner Who is Like Their Parent?
Posted: 9/13/2012 7:18:05 PM

girls looking for someone like their father


While I know many do and are. I'm not one of them. My father was a poor role model of what type of man is a good parent/partner. He did show me though what I don't want.


Do you think it’s flawed or OK to be looking for someone who is exactly like their opposite sex parent?


I think it's ok if the parent was a good example/role model of their gender. If the parent taught the child the good aspects of the opposite gender and showed how they can compromise/work well with a partner and others yes, it's good to look for one like that. The flaw is if the person has an overly idealized vision of their parent (daddy's girl, momma's boy) or had a horrid/abusive role model as a parent. I think it's more about learning from your experiences and truly thinking about what you want and how you want to be treated by your partner. After a certain point in life your parents are not responsible for the choices you make, you are. For good or bad.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Why do people still follow societal pressures of gender roles in the 21st century?
Posted: 9/11/2012 9:56:02 AM

why is whining, complaining, ranting a feminine thing?


It's not a feminine thing, it's an immature, spoiled brat, refusing to take responsibility, unattractive to everyone thing (regardless of gender).


why does it make men look weak, pathetic, less of a man but not the other way around?


It makes anyone (regardless of gender) look weak, pathetic and less of an adult. There are those that do, and those that whine, guess which one comes out ahead?


why is that a double-standard?


That is not a double standard except in your head. The majority of PEOPLE ( regardless of gender) do not find it attractive and refuse to be in a relationship with it.


okay, if it looks bad in both genders, okay then, fine,


Then get over it and grow up already. Growing up/maturity are not gender based.


obviously men are frowned upon for whining, complaining, way more than women are.


Again, most adults regardless of gender, do not find it attractive or tolerable. Most who are whiny little brats end up single and blame others for their short comings instead of fixing their attitude (no matter their gender). It comes off as negative, and few find negativity attractive.

If you really think women have it sooo much easier, save your pennies, get a sex change and then start dating. OY!
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Does a man's scent/cologne do anything for you?
Posted: 9/4/2012 12:04:07 PM
As I am highly sensitive to body smells, yes a scent can turn me on or off. I prefer a clean masculine, natural scent to a man, maybe soap/shampoo and water. Very few colognes are attractive to me, most make my eyes water and my nose run. Many colognes it doesn't matter how light or heavy a guy is with wearing them, I seem to have an adverse reaction to them.

There are definitely some natural body chemistry scents that are a definite turn off. It's hard for me to describe to some of my friends, but bald men and dark skinned men smell different (and not in an attractive way) to me. There is some particular element to those two factors that is a turn off that I have noticed for me. I am sure others have their particular ones from experiences.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 145 (view)
 
Date a Blunt Woman?
Posted: 9/1/2012 2:32:07 PM

Anyways I'll hold off from replying anymore, as I'm all too aware I could never change anyone's opinions and I feel like the effort I was making to present my own point of view is simply being ridiculed.


I think this is part of the reason so many seek the negative in a word's meaning. I did not see any one ridiculing this poster, yet by some disagreeing with his views it seems he feels as if they were ridiculing him. I did see some polite disagreement of his view, but not outright ridicule. They may have been "blunt" (i.e. direct, to the point) in how they disagreed with his view, yet he took that to mean they were being "blunt"(i.e. tactless, rude) in not agreeing, when that was not their intent.

That might be why so many disagree as to what the words mean. One person does not mean it as rude/crass/etc. but some one decided to infer some other meaning and take it personally.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 138 (view)
 
Date a Blunt Woman?
Posted: 8/31/2012 9:02:59 PM
To be blunt, I have enjoyed reading this thread. I find it interesting how many people focus on the negative definition of the word instead of the neutral or positive meanings. Definitely interesting, and makes me wonder how many other words in profile descriptions are interpreted as the opposite of the writer's intent. Then again English is a tricky language with so many words having so many possible meanings.

I guess I'm one of those people that didn't assume that if someone described themselves as "blunt" they were telling the world they were dull and rude. I may decide they are after a conversation or two with them, but them merely telling me they were "blunt" does not immediately make me think negatively of them.

I guess it just means that in the land of POF it's one more word that can be used to filter people one way or another, and may be used as an excuse to bypass people. I think it makes a great filter. Could be used as a conversation starter, or to deter depending on the type of person that reads it. Oh what fun!
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Do girls from spain expect you to buy gifts when dating them?
Posted: 8/31/2012 8:49:39 PM

In these countries, you are expected to bring gifts with you every time you show up to see your woman BUT these are token gifts. A teddy bear, flowers, chocolate, a card, etc. It's considered romantic and generous. No price tag is attached to these gifts. In these countries, if a woman DEMANDS an expensive gift, it's considered an offensive thing to do.


This was what I was expecting to see when I opened this thread up. Having been on some dates with some "old skool" Europeans, there were small token gifts brought for the date. Nothing big or expensive, just small and thoughtful.

OP if your date is demanding expensive gifts on every date, it has nothing to do with her nationality/ethnicity and more to do with her weighing your bank account. Especially if she is listing specific gifts. Unless she means small tokens like a candy bar or a flower, run!

If it is the cultural thing, there are tactful ways for a women to bring it up and discuss it, without being tacky or greedy. She could broach the subject with something like "I am not sure if it is just something I don't get but I'm used to men of my culture bringing gifts on dates. Is it different here?" But then again I would think if she has spent any length of time in the US or dated several Americans, she would know already most are not going to bring gifts on every date, especially if they are paying for most of the dates.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 86 (view)
 
Would you date a man who owes child support?
Posted: 8/19/2012 9:07:47 PM

*YOU* Evillolli, ASSUMED that I am morally lacking, why?


Well, you just proved my point that you aren't fully reading what people are writing, even when you quote them. I did not say that I assumed, I said one (as in any reading your posts) COULD assume. There is a difference I believe you are missing. Just as you assumed I was asking about your ex, when I wasn't, I was trying to make a point, that you insist on missing.

Also, an arrest is not the same as a conviction, without knowing the child support laws or rules of the family court(s) involved (since the rules and laws of child support can and do vary greatly from county to county or state to state), it is an assumption of him being a deadbeat dad (i.e. a dad that has never had any involvement or intention on supporting the child(ren)) or a father that made a mistake. Google and your post do not disclose the full story. You, yourself even ask what if he shirked his duty-because you do not know the full story, again because an arrest is not a conviction.

I would find out more through talking to the person as well as using my mind and my instincts to decide, if they were an actual deadbeat dad no (as I answered in a previous post already). But if it was some other issue that lead to the arrest I would be willing to continue to talk to the person to decide their truthfulness. I prefer to discuss issues with people I am interested in to get to know them better before dating than to snoop into their lives or invade their privacy. I was just brought up that snooping and invasions of privacy were wrong as was jumping to conclusions.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
What are your hints (women in There 20's please )
Posted: 8/18/2012 7:40:42 PM

Also for people who say you can't like someone if you just meet them clearly you don't know my awesomeness


Umm if this is the case, why are you asking this question?

The others are right about body language. Learn it. Really it will tell you a lot. The rest you will have to learn from experience, so unless you get some experience and possibly get rejected a few times, you can't really improve.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Would you date a man who owes child support?
Posted: 8/17/2012 7:00:23 PM

In this province, for example, one can represent themselves and it is free and easy enought to do for a simple child support adjustment.


While I think it is great that the family court system is set up like that in CANADA, in the US the family court can vary greatly between city, county, and state courts. Getting an adjustment, receiving the funds from an adjustment, or even requesting a break due to financial difficulty is not always an easy process for EITHER parent depending on how many levels of family court are involved. Also in some areas it is up to the mother to notify the courts the father is not making payments, it may even be up to the mother to track down the dead beat dad. Again depending on the location of the family court and how many levels are involved, a lawyer whether court appointed or private may be needed to get an adjustment or the payments.

OP, a few things, first the screen name is EvilLolli, e-v-i-l-l-o-l-l-i. I am not surprised you keep getting it wrong as I do not think you are fully reading many of the posts here, but picking and choosing as you like.

Second, I was not aware that the only time you could discuss life issues with a co-worker was when you were "dating" them. I also did not realize conversations about life events with co-workers constituted "dating". Many co-workers in my experience discuss any manner of things in their life, but I guess they are all "dating".

Third, you implied you did the background check on your daughter's roommate. If you do not give all the information, statements will be made from the information you have given. Do not be unhappy when people think the wrong thing because you did not disclose all pertinent information to your point of view.

Fourth, again one could ASSUME from your statements about your ex that you are as lacking in morals and high standards as his employers that you blame for employing him, since you choose to marry, stay with, and procreate with him. Personally I don't care about your ex or his job/situation, but since you feel the need to disclose, you open yourself up for people to make assumptions ONLINE about the information you put out there. Doesn't it suck when someone makes assumptions about you without having all the facts or giving you a chance to explain yourself?


Great to see how many "trusting" people there are on this site


I actually agree with this, but not for the reasons she might assume. I am glad there are so many people that trust their decision making ability and their common sense instead of hiding behind paranoia and technology. I'm glad to see that some trust that a bad choice or experience do not mean that every choice or experience they have is doomed. :)
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Late 30's dating when you are divorced no kids
Posted: 8/17/2012 6:36:06 PM

I wouldn't describe it as normal for men or women to be without kids or at least a few long-term relationships under their belt by age 35


And why does not having kids by a certain age equal not having had a long term commitment? The two are not mutually exclusive. Many have kids from less than long term relationships, and many have long term relationships without kids or marriage/divorce by a certain age. Not everyone wants a marriage license or kids.

Back to the OT.

I think that especially in large urban areas the age for marriage/kids tends to be later in life than suburban/rural areas. Mostly because there are more things to become involved with in large urban areas and the cost of living is generally higher.

I think it's a crap shoot finding the right guy for you without making it more difficult by writing off a person due to age/lack of divorce/reproduction. Stereotypes and generalizations can really limit an already limited dating pool. I do agree you shouldn't be expected to move/commute just for a guys kids, but there are single dad's out there that don't have custody or live away from their kids too.

As for staying home with your cats, that's always an option, sometimes a necessary mental health need (kitty loving can make the world seem less harsh). Though I think not getting out and about will also limit chances to make new friends, find new activities, and maybe meet a good date.

Good luck OP :)
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 66 (view)
 
Would you date a man who owes child support?
Posted: 8/16/2012 2:36:23 PM
Fleuron, thank you for your VERY VALID point.

The reason I did not mention pedophiles is because 1. By law they are required to make public their location after they have been convicted/released and 2. the internet only shows convicted/arrested pedophiles - there is no information online about those that haven't been arrested/convicted of the crime. It's not a violation of their privacy when as a condition of their release they are required by law to inform their area.

The ones that did not mind, also assumed you hadn't already snooped into their past online, and they were asked face to face. There is a difference between being asked face to face (often seen as the upfront mature approach) versus someone sneaking (often seen as the devious approach) around looking for information without permission (even if it is in a public place like the 'net).


My concern being basic morals (having gone thru hell with my X for years for shirking his moral duties to our child).

See now from that statement I could assume you had poor morals and discretion in choosing your reproductive partner. I don't but I could since there is only partial information there.


my daughter just took in a room mate do you think it was invasion to check him out?


I absolutely do think it was an invasion of the person's privacy for you to check him out, as wel as a huge sign of distrust towards your daughter. 1. Your daughter should be an adult if she is taking a roommate and able to make her own decisions. 2. As an adult it is your daughter's duty (NOT yours) to vet her roommate through any means she feels is necessary (like asking the person if they mind her searching them online). 3. It shows a remarkable lack of trust in your daughter's ability to make choices and to take responsibility for her choices. That includes her deciding what she is comfortable living with, since you are not living with them, it is not your business to snoop into the lives of the people she chooses to live with or hang out with once she is an adult.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Would you date a man who owes child support?
Posted: 8/15/2012 5:15:21 PM
LOL Oh I finally looked at your profile. Funny how you have a disclaimer about information usage and disclosure in your profile (I assume to protect YOUR internet privacy?), but feel justified to snoop into others lives.

Just because something is on a public forum like the internet does not mean they would not feel violated having someone snoop and then jump to conclusions or make assumptions about them.

From your previous post:

Espionage is inherently clandestine, as it is taken for granted that it is unwelcome


Yet you think you have done nothing wrong, but I bet you probably don't have the nerve to tell him to his face what you did or what you found out. Probably because you know he would take it as an unwelcome, clandestine invasion of his privacy. Also you assume the information you found on the net is accurate and is actually about him. Having an unusual name does not make internet search information accurate.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 44 (view)
 
I read this somwhere and thought I'd share
Posted: 8/13/2012 9:01:20 PM

People just obviously are very attached to their beliefs and don't want to let them go. Oh well.


I don't know if you realize it OP but this statement comes of as a bit judgmental of others. As if you are saying someone is wrong to have their views and opinions and to stand up for the because they differ from what you want to believe. All the posters here have done is voice their opinions and stated their reasoning for their way of seeing things.


I guess i just feel sorry for the people who don't have more opportunities than the more attractive people..


So I take it that YOU assume someone YOU deem unattractive must not have the same opportunities as the people YOU see as attractive. And to add to that insult, you PITY them, which some would find highly offensive. Just because YOU don't find a person attractive physically or in some other aspect does not make them unattractive. They could be very successful in many areas of life, but your presumptions about their life based on your opinion of their appearance means you have found them pitiful.


I never said looks wasn't important I just said we put way toooo much value in beauty.


It seems to me most people state they know that what they find attractive may not be what the media or society tell us is supposed to be attractive, but it was attractive to THEM. The person here who seems to be going on about looks as the only basis for attraction seems to be the OP. Most here have mentioned that looks (whatever those looks may be) are the initial attraction, but that they need more than a pretty face to stay attracted. Weren't you also the one with a post about how could a man cheat on his attractive spouse? As if her looks alone should make her immune to being cheated on?
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
I read this somwhere and thought I'd share
Posted: 8/12/2012 8:06:53 PM

When you look at another person in a complex way then looks become diluted and less noticable.


I think what they are saying is that looks do matter, but as your relationship with an individual becomes more complex, like romantically entangled, deeper knowledge of a person, etc., then you focus less on the looks and more on other characteristics. I believe they are implying that you tend to notice the little flaws/unattractive details less as you become more involved in knowing a person on a deeper level. This statement in the OT does not say looks don't matter, or that only deep, complex people look beyond the surface. That seems an over-simplification of the statement. It's saying that overall knowledge of a person can soften the focus from "looks only" to "looks and more". JMHO
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Does a change in eating habits= a change in your way of thinking?
Posted: 8/10/2012 1:39:43 PM
It absolutely can change your personality. If your not getting the right balance of nutrients for YOUR body it can throw off all kinds of bodily functions. There are tons of good articles online (verify it's not a propaganda source) about proper nutrition and diets. Personally I know the foods I eat can make me feel better or worse and try to tweak my diet to eat what makes me feel better, I can feel the difference (personality and physical) when I eat poorly or well.

As one poster pointed out, some cults/communes use a high carb/low to no protein diet to aid their control of the group. Just as some diets have been proven to increase the risk of depression, etc.

When changing any diet drastically it is always best to consult a physician and do your own research. It's also a good idea to keep track of physical/psychological changes you may notice from the diet change. I've noticed that people around me who mainly subsist on a fast food diet are often cranky, short-tempered and depressed. I've also noticed that people who do not really work at their vegetarian diets become a totally different personality type (not usually in a good way-though they seem too out of it to notice) than they were before the vegetarian diet. Again that's my personal experience with 99% of the vegetarians I have known. In my personal experience it has only been the ones that had to go to a vegetarian or piscean diet for medical reasons that did not experience the personality shift, because they were far more diligent (supplements, vitamins, regular medical testing on nutrient levels) about making sure they got the proper balance of nutrients they needed than the average vegetarian. Again though that is my personal experience, I have lost several friends due to militant vegetarian behavior than regular life changes.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Does anyone else kinda laugh taking relationship advice from singles?
Posted: 8/10/2012 8:31:18 AM
Based om the OP's theory, priests shouldn't be giving marriage counseling, but often they do before and after a wedding. They have for centuries.

Just because some one is single, does not mean they could not have a successful relationship. That is one flaw to this theory. Some choose to be single for many reasons (bad timing, life/health issues, haven't met the right person). To believe someone has to be in a relationship, or have had a divorce to be an expert on dating is just illogical. Kind of like thinking anyone that's had a broken bone is an expert on setting the bone. The forums provide a broad spectrum of ages, experiences, and backgrounds which help provide a multitude of advice from different life experiences. While the advice may not perfectly fit one poster's situation, it may spur them to look at things differently and come up with the ideal solution for them. That's basically what advice is for, to give a different POV and possibly see things differently to find a new solution.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
You have to ignore a girl to get her attention?
Posted: 8/9/2012 10:07:29 PM
Ugh, I really had hoped that all the mind game advice from the PUA handbooks, classes, seminars, etc. for guys had died out. But sadly, I guess not.

This type of "pick up" technique seems to only work in certain situations and on certain personalities. It also seems only a certain type of male is successful with it too. But I guess it does persist because for someone somewhere it is successful.

As to the original question the OP appears to be asking, the advice you have been given is great if your only looking for casual flings or one night stands. If you are looking for something more long term, sooner or later the PUA techniques are discovered, and not respected. So the best advice would be for you to decide what type of relationship and person you want, then seek that out without coming off as desperate/needy/clingy.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Once trust/bond is broken, can it be repaired? Help!
Posted: 8/9/2012 9:55:19 PM
Let me see if I have the big points straight before I try to hand out any advice.

1. "She felt comfortable sharing w/ me her past, and I judged her about it. She was offended that I said this to her, given the fact that I shared my past w/ her also and she wasn't judgemental towards me."
Now as I see this statement I am thinking she was upset not only that you judged her past, but also that you did not extend the respect to her she had given you. To me it was a two-fold offense. Disrespect and judgement.

2. "Not only did I share my opinion about her sexual past w/ her again, I would also, on more than one occasion, tell her that I thought certain members of her family were loud, ghetto, and ignorant."
Again, I see two problems. You also passed judgement on her & her family and disrespected her relationships with them. I am sure there are some in your family she is less than thrilled with, but it sounds like she does not make it a subject of discussion. If she is close to her family (no matter how screwed up), this is a slap in her face, and can come across as you think she is just like these people you are putting down-since she is related to them. You also felt the need to do this several times. Hurting her trust and opinion of you with each repeat.

3. "I made up a lie over months that I had told my parents that she was pregnant."
So not only did you act ashamed of her and your child she carried, you lied to her for months. Again a two-fold issue.

Personally I think you are lucky she is willing to spend time with you, talk to you, and is willing to go to counseling with you. I think at this point counseling is the best thing you both could do. I think maybe she should seek counseling for herself outside of couples counseling to help her deal with her ANGER towards you. She may not be expressing it in your presence, but I promise it's there. A good counselor can also help her rebuild her faith in herself so that maybe between the individual counseling for each of you, and the couples therapy, you can repair the relationship or decide to end it civilly for the child's sake.

I personally do NOT think you should try to move in together to fix this. Living with someone is stressful at first. I do not think it would be productive to add more stress to an already overwhelmingly stressful situation. I think to even suggest marriage or moving in at this point would not tip the scale in your favor.

Also realize that it took MONTHS for you to wreck her trust and faith in you. It is only fair that it will take as long if not longer to regain it. She most likely did not hand over all her trust overnight, just as you didn't ruin it that fast. It will not be repaired in a quick manner.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Would you date a man who owes child support?
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:24:37 PM

No male/female in my jurisdiction is going to be 'arrested' for not paying child support if they made every effort to do so and appeared before proper authorities and revealed full details of their situation and pleaded a legitimate reason for not complying with child support orders.


But every jurisdiction is different. There is no set in stone standards for what constitutes "non-payment" that fits across the country. Some areas issue an arrest warrant if the baby momma claims to not have gotten the support, some it may only be a couple of missed payments regardless of why. It varies a great deal and some areas have harsher laws than others. Without his side of the story or the full information I think calling this particular man a "DEADBEAT" is premature. But people do love to burn others in effigy.

Back to the OT, I still think it was totally uncalled for to SNOOP for information. Even if the information is available for free (sadly making it NOT private), does not make the VICTIM feel any less violated (as I am sure this man would/will when he finds out). It shows more the issues the OP will be bringing to any potential relationship than what this guy may be willing to tell if given the chance. Add in the fact that the guy has given a few conversational openers (i.e. from the OP's other post-he was asked by a member of staff on Fathers Day if he was a dad and replied "yes, I was, but he is dead now" and he mentioned to some one that he had a child 30 yrs ago.) to ask for the information that the OP ignored, and I think any "potential relationship" is doomed.

OP do the yourself and the guy a favor and work through your issues before you get into a relationship. One bad man in your past is no reason to look for faults or blame EVERY man. Maybe this man's ex just had a better lawyer to get him thrown into jail for nonpayment of child support than you do.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Sex after 3 dates- then gets distant
Posted: 8/7/2012 8:04:52 PM
So "nice guy" routine with the "no sex" line by a player followed with a successful booty call. And still keeping in touch in case he wants a future booty call? Is that it?

Because that's how I'm reading it. All chase and "game", the hunt was successful (sex).
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Do Statistics Always Tell a Clear Picture?
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:08:49 AM

You have to quantify the data.
It all depends upon how the advertiser wants to spin the statistics and how much money they want to make.


^^^Exactly. But it isn't just advertisers, it's politicians too.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 27 (view)
 
What's a suitable pet for a 5 yr. old child other than dogs or cats?
Posted: 8/7/2012 11:01:05 AM

Oh he does get plenty of structured time with me, but you make a good point about the pet thing. His parents did the mistake of getting him dog after dog mostly because they couldn't care for them. They'd end up dead or lost.


OMG then getting him a pet is a HORRIBLE idea! Seriously think about volunteering at a shelter or finding a hobby or sport for him instead! If his parents have already played the give/take away pet game, you getting him a pet for "while he is with you" will only make things worse. Yikes!
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 130 (view)
 
Do men act more considerate to you when you are thinner?
Posted: 8/7/2012 10:08:45 AM

[women with body fat that low stop menstruating]

Actually, not really. My mother never weighed over 100lbs and had six healthy children. My girlfriend was a ballerina and at 5'4 never danced over 107 lbs... and during that time had two healthy children.


Weight/height is NOT the same as body fat percentage. There are people that are considered "skinny or thin" that have high body fat ratios, and those that would appear to be "heavy" with low body fat ratios. A woman needs to have a certain level of body fat in order to menstruate. Many female athletes with low body fat ratios do not menstruate. But most confuse "skinny/thin" with having a low body fat ratio, which is inaccurate. It's why so many people dislike the BMI as the main measure for body fat ratio, it's very inaccurate in that regard. According to the BMI most pregnant women are overweight/etc. as an example.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What's a suitable pet for a 5 yr. old child other than dogs or cats?
Posted: 8/6/2012 11:53:32 PM
How about spending time with him volunteering at an animal shelter? It would give him the love of the animals, the comfort and therapy they give, and help him to learn to help others as well. Plus it would only be a commitment of a little time each week. Any pet should be a longer commitment than a few weeks/months. Just an Idea.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Would you date a man who owes child support?
Posted: 8/6/2012 9:39:52 PM
I think calling him a deadbeat dad is extremely harsh given the situation you are describing. You are making assumptions and jumping to conclusions without all the evidence. And since there haven't been REPEAT arrests for it, to call him a DEADBEAT is a bit premature. I consider a DEADBEAT dad one that would rather be in jail than pay child support, or one that has never made a single payment. Have you asked him WHY he was behind on his child support, or if he is caught up on it yet? Has it even been mentioned in discussions with him, or only through your snooping?

Depending on the location and laws in the location there could be many reasons a person would have been arrested for being behind on child support. If he was unemployed for a time is the first thing that comes to my mind. I also know some areas of the US have far stricter laws on child support than others.

I dated a guy that was behind on his child support (but current when we dated). He'd been unemployed for six months, and didn't have the money to pay it. When he got a new job-he paid the past due and then kept current. It happens. If it was 4yrs ago and nothing since, I would say most likely there was a reason. There is a difference between a man that never pays child support, never keeps current on it. and one that fell on hard times but got things straight as soon as he could. Without more information, it's hard to know for certain why/what happened.

But if he hasn't mentioned it, and you two are only flirting, I don't think you should mention your cyber-snooping into his past. You cyber-snoop at the risk of finding out things you are not ready to handle/know/deal with.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Do men act more considerate to you when you are thinner?
Posted: 8/6/2012 6:55:49 PM
Having read through this again, I think some posters have proven the point of the OT. I have seen a lot of harsh words for people who are heavier, whether the heavier person has bemoaned their weight or not. Many have done a good deal of fat bashing on here. Using the guise of "giving advice" doesn't change the harsh tone of some of the posts here.

I'm also finding it interesting that while many will point out that confidence can increase when weight is lost, most seem to ignore that the opposite is true as well. That as weight is gained (whether through poor diet/exercise, age, or medical reasons-there are many reasons besides the thyroid a person may gain or have trouble losing weight) their confidence can drop, just as being treated differently after gaining weight can drop confidence too.

I people watch a lot, it's entertaining and educational. I've seen what the OP was talking about in many situations, had friends describe what they have gone through with their weight issues, and experienced some myself. It happens, and it's a sad statement on people in general, but I got the feeling the OP was asking more to see if it was something others have experienced (maybe to not feel alone in the situation ?), not to open a discussion to bash those that are heavier. Sadly it seems some just love the chance to spout the "eat less, exercise more, be less lazy" mantra without stopping to think.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
do you snitch on no face profile flakes?
Posted: 8/6/2012 9:00:49 AM

Body Type should be voted by the viewers.

^^^
some people can't handle the truth


And some don't have any full body shots. I don't have full body because even fully clothed I was getting vulgar, perverted comments. And I don't have a great body. (which makes me wonder why so many women have half naked pics on here)

I usually reserve the the reporting for the creeps with no/fake/non-face pics that contact me with rude emails. Report, block/delete. Otherwise if they leave me alone, I leave them alone.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Teen lifeguard gets $2,600 bill for saving drowning boy's life
Posted: 8/5/2012 8:56:06 PM
^^^^ Ms Girly, that wouldn't be a bad plan if you do it right. The private non-hospital ambulance company here replaces it's fleet every 3 yrs, and gets money from the hospitals and the dept of social services, mortuaries, and hospices. It would be a good investment since about 15yrs ago they only had 3 ambulances, and now have about 10...
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 414 (view)
 
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 8/5/2012 8:33:34 PM

Never been married does NOT mean never loved anyone and doesn't know what love is.


I think this points out the biggest flaw with the "never married" red flag. Too many ASSUME that "never married" means no relationship EVER, no clue how to stay with some one EVER, no ability to commit EVER. Just because some one hasn't made a trip to the church does not mean they are dysfunctional in a relationship. Just like having a failed marriage does not make some one an expert on them.


You want to know what raises red flags to me?

Profiles of divorcees in their 20's with 3+ children.
Dudes living in their parent's basement.
No pictures.
Grown women still waiting for their knight to carry them to their dream wedding.
20 year old pregnant women looking for dates.
18 and 19 year olds with online dating profiles.
Profiles that explicitly state "Don't contact me if you are a liar, cheater, or doucher.
People with children that list student or stay at home parent as their profession.
Headlines that say "Are there any REAL men/women left".
Women that go on about being "old fashioned".
Ridiculous deal breakers.
Racism.
A pissed off profile.
A pity party profile.


Change the some of the female pronouns to male, and that is how I look at things. Add in "nice/good guy" and a few other cliches, and you have my recipe for clicking NEXT.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Do Statistics Always Tell a Clear Picture?
Posted: 8/5/2012 9:36:13 AM
If you ever take a college statistics class you will learn. Statistics are the easiest thing to manipulate for your desired result. Percentage point or x-number out of x-number can both be easily manipulated to give the desired result of the person compiling statistics. It has to do with the sample size of a group asked, and how the information is gathered/interpreted.

Saying 4 out of 5 dentist pick a chewing gum isn't really great proof of a gum's health benefits if only 5 dentists were asked. Do you see my point?

1% of a population would depend on how large the target population was AND how many of that target population were actually involved in collecting the data. 1% of 187million is a much larger number than 1% of 187 people. Statistics are fun, but by no means conclusive.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Teen lifeguard gets $2,600 bill for saving drowning boy's life
Posted: 8/4/2012 11:53:56 AM

No, I'm not trying to politicize this thread. I'm merely trying to point out, how things have changed. We have become a very selfish society, hell bent on balancing the books, no matter who it hurts. Government is NOT a business, it is a benefit for all, that applies laws, maintains our infrastructure and YES even provides services for the good of us all. You know, parks and recreation, social programs, fire and police...and YES ambulances to take the ill to the hospital.


See in my area of the US, hospitals, ambulances, and medical personal are not run by the government. They are run by corporations. We actually have several ambulance services that are not part of the hospital that will respond to calls as well. They have to follow government guidelines, follow government regulations, may even receive some government funding, but they are not government owned. I suspect it is the same in many areas of the US. So medical care is a business. That is why there are bills for medical services rendered (if it was government owned, the bills would be paid for in theory by our taxes, like fire, police, roads, etc.). Since there is no national health service like in Canada or the UK, hospitals/etc. can and do charge for services rendered.

As Igor said, there was more to the story. I actually looked at several versions of the story to find the complete (or as complete as the media felt like giving)story and read that the life guard had received medical services of his own, the boy's family also received their own bill for their own medical services rendered. That is why it is important to check news sources and attempt to verify the information in a news source.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Teen lifeguard gets $2,600 bill for saving drowning boy's life
Posted: 8/4/2012 9:09:24 AM
As the saying goes "No good deed goes unpunished". Sadly the hospital is charging for "services rendered". It's their right as a business. Also they do end up with a large portion of bills that do not get paid by many, which is why the costs may seem high (from my experience his bill is average for the "services rendered"). The rescued boy's bill was probably higher as he probably received more "services" from the hospital.

I agree he did a great thing saving the child, it was the right thing. Hopefully the hospital/kid's family/community/Dept. of Soc. Services will help him with the costs. This yet another good reason why it's sad that the US does not have a national health service like other countries (Obamacare is not a national health service).

Is it fair? Not in my opinion, but it is the hospital or any businesses right to charge for services rendered. Though at the end of the day, the focus should be that he did the right thing and saved a life, the bill is really not that important in the big picture.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Do men act more considerate to you when you are thinner?
Posted: 8/3/2012 8:48:02 AM
Yes, I have noticed this as have some of my friends. It's not just dating it is other aspects of life as well.

I have one friend who gained a lot of weight due to medications she was on. She went off the medications, started losing weight, and suddenly her doctors had more time to answer her questions/concerns. Though interestingly, her dating life remained unchanged, how she was treated by others DID change as she continues to lose weight. I know some will say it is because her confidence has increased as she lost weight that is why the change in attitude towards her has changed. Sadly losing weight has actually added to her confidence issues, she feels that at times her only value to society is her looks, which saps her confidence.

I used to be "average", then due to some health issues gained weight. From the neck up I still look pretty much the same (I know this because I am still easily recognized by people who knew me when I was skinnier-years ago). But how I get treated in public, by both men and women has changed. I try to find the humor in it most times, but it can be hard. Though I will admit to laughing at guys that ignore other attractive SINGLE women in a bar in order to hit on my VERY MARRIED attractive friend. That is just hilarious.

I understand the attractiveness/kinder treatment theory. I just think it's sad that things such as common courtesy and manners are so effected by someone's weight. Please, thank you, excuse me are not weight/attractiveness specific manners, yet I have noticed many men (not all) seem to reserve their manners and courtesy ONLY for those they deem attractive, and have no problem and see nothing wrong with being rude to those they don't. Just because someone does not find you attractive is no excuse for rudeness.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
How to post a turn off, without hurting others feelings...
Posted: 8/2/2012 10:58:37 PM
As long as you aren't extremely demeaning with how you say, just say it. It's YOUR profile, you should feel free to express your preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. in an adult manner.

Will some send you rude contacts because of it? Probably. But that is on them, not you.

I used to have a "no facial hair" comment in my profile in a joking manner. I got a couple of rude comments for it, but it did also help me screen who actually read my profile.

In the end it is YOUR profile, which is about what YOU are looking for and what YOU like or dislike. Say what you want. Let the dust settle how it will.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Girl gives me her contact info unprompted, and then...basically turns down date offer.
Posted: 8/2/2012 9:18:07 PM
So let me get this straight, you approach dating like a game with all kinds of rules you have written, and then get mad at her for:
1. Not knowing it was a game of your design
2. Not knowing the rules to your dating game
And
3. Not playing by the rules to your custom created dating game?

Is that the gist of it? Because unless she is a psychic or telepathic, how would she know all the rules to your dating game unless you tell her?

I think she dodged a bullet. She made the first move, responded positively (she gave you an option for a date at a later time) and you play around with responses and over analysizing her actions. Lucky girl to get away...
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
James Holmes on AFF-does this make you leary?
Posted: 8/1/2012 10:22:20 PM
I really wish people would verify the information of their "news sources" better. The fact that this "article" can't even get BASIC facts right and does not take the time to verify simple facts (Like the fact that the Joker character from the Batman series had GREEN hair). Makes me dubious of the whole article. Having read the article from the link provided and the crap-tastic photo shopped pictures in the article, I am less than impressed.

What does it matter if he had an online dating profile? Now that he's a famous killer he will also get a bunch of those sad serial killer groupies too. Just like Manson and Bundy.

I don't see why it comes as a surprise to anyone that he had a dating profile (if he actually did). How about all the possible rapists, ex-cons, etc. that have FaceBook, etc? It is the net, open to everyone with a connection to it. I thought this was why there are so many "rules" for a safe meet, red flag warnings, etc.

This won't change my usage of the internet, it may just up my common sense/listening to my gut/being cautious ways.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
When To Make It Official?
Posted: 8/1/2012 1:50:34 AM
Unless you are not an adult. With open, clear communication, you should set the pace that is comfortable for both of you. Screw worrying about "other" peoples "normal". The pace is right when neither of you is worried. This requires comunication.

But if communication and the rest is there, go as fast as you are comfortable with.

Set timelines for relationships belong in books, teen romances, and bad romance flicks.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 398 (view)
 
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 8/1/2012 1:46:00 AM
I am kind of loving how so many assume that the no marriage/ no kids is a CHOICE. So many people I know have been passed up for marriage because they were physically unable (through no fault of their own, unless being responsible is a fault), to have children. So many seem to assume the lack of marriage (and the resulting divorce that made them single to date) is a fault of the single person's.

And the lack of having children is not always a FAULT of someone, it's a physical impossibility. So in a sense some are finding red flags for something that is beyond some people's control. Finding someone that is willing to be with/marry you when you are unable to physically have children is even more difficult than regular dating. But hey, at least those that can't and know why know their limitations. which is more than I could say about many single parents if I wanted to throw stones.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
TEXTING! TEXTING!
Posted: 7/30/2012 12:20:40 AM
It's probably your age group sadly, thanks to modern technology. Most younger people prefer to text or IM than talk on the phone.

As for me I prefer texting, but that's because after years as a collections rep on the phone...the phone is a device of torture to me, not a fun way to connect usually. But I prefer quick, yes/no, clear answer texts, not rambling BS conversation ones
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Inappropriate responses from men ....
Posted: 7/30/2012 12:15:41 AM
Personally, I have found it doesn't matter what you put in your profile, the freaky creepers will still message you and find a way to make themselves very blockable. If they can get past the mail setting filters, they will.

I had thought saying I didn't want to be contacted by married men was redundant. Till I got several offers for a sugar daddy/mistress/threesome position with pay. At the time my profile was so very not geared towards that.

I had thought filling out the fields of "do not want kids/does not have kids" was enough. Till I got offers for free baby making service, told what good breeding stock I would make, or how I would be a perfect mom for their 7 kids.

But I don't bother mentioning it in my profile, because if they want to message and can, they will. I just set my filters, and use that block button as needed.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
OCD, and the Dating World...
Posted: 7/29/2012 5:15:34 PM
Well, first of all there are different kinds and levels of OCD. This man sounds as if he has a severe case that is UNTREATED. There are several different treatment options to help with this disorder, and it sounds as if this man also has a bit of Narcissistic Personality Disorder too. Not a good combination when left untreated.

The blaming you for things is not part of the OCD. The repeating behavior and germ phobia are.

I wouldn't have bothered after his being 6hrs late, especially with no explanation (the NPD). After the first meal I would have told him to find a hotel. I have a friend with bad OCD, but they would never behave the way you describe. One because of their OCD would make it hard for them to be rude, and two because they get treatment for the OCD.

You are far more kind/patient/forgiving than most, and he is not dating material.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Being career/goal oriented is now a turn off??
Posted: 7/29/2012 5:04:21 PM
There's been some great advice so far. The only other reason I can see for your problem is your age.

What I have noticed in many younger 20-something women is a focus on marriage/kids ASAP. It's the age where some of their friends have started getting married and having kids, and they don't want to be left behind. So while they are attracted to the idea of your career choice (money, stability, etc.), they could be put off by the fact that your career might mean they can't keep up/compete with their friends. I'm not saying all women in your age group are like that, but it could be a factor.

I do think how you answer such a question could also be the problem (because communication is key, and no matter what one of the hardest things to do). You may try saying that while your focused on your career right now, you're more than willing to work on a relationship with the right woman. But be honest about your intentions, if she is someone you truly are interested in persuing, make sure you tell her that.

But you have the right idea that the focus should be on your career/education at this point. Maybe you are better off with casual dating until you find the right person to focus some relationship attention on. Good luck :)
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
speaking with a lovely man from england
Posted: 7/28/2012 9:13:35 PM

You're in the UK, and he is in England.


England is part of the United Kingdom

UK = England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

Geography lesson is over.


I know that England is part of the UK, I did not know where in the UK the OP was located (such as Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland). But since I know that England is part of the UK, that is why I said travel between the countries should be easier and more affordable (versus say the US and England). It's pays to actually read ALL of the post and not assume that just because I am not from Europe that I need a geography lesson.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
speaking with a lovely man from england
Posted: 7/28/2012 7:59:08 PM
Okay, I looked at your profile. You're in the UK, and he is in England. As I understand it travel between countries is much easier there and far more affordable. I suggest you meet somewhere in the middle and see if you click in person. There is no sense in uprooting your life for some virtual stranger. You need face to face time AND lots of quality time together as well as deep discussions on the many aspects of one of you moving to the other.

Honestly, at your age OP, I would have thought the meet and better planning aspects would have been more common sense than what this post demonstrates. Until you spend time together in real life and have some serious in depth discussions, I think it would be beyond foolish to just pack up and move just for a man.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What you want?
Posted: 7/28/2012 2:18:00 AM
Honestly, I know you probably haven't looked at many men's profiles, but many men have the same type of profile as you're complaining about. "real woman", "good woman", etc.

Stating what you want is a filter for many. If someone replies that obviously doesn't fit their "wish list" (i. e. has kids when they don't want any being a good example), then they can chose to not reply. Some use it to see if their profile is actually read to. And as for putting in what they have to offer, not everyone is a natural born salesman ready with the perfect sales pitch to convince you they have the options available.


men are looking to see what the women are made of, who cares what they 'want.' That is not important at all.


This line, BTW, comes across as very sexist and selfish.It sounds as if you believe women are a lower species that should have no say in their own lives and are only here to please men. Not a very attractive quality to "offer" potential dates. Furthermore, if you are so unconcerned with what a person "wants" and consider it unimportant, why should they consider what you "want" or consider your desires important?
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
When
Posted: 7/27/2012 8:34:37 PM

Why is it okay for a man to pass up a decent woman who knows how to treat a man for a bimbo with big boobs. But a woman who passes up a average joe for a man who is more established is considered a gold digger.


In the situation the OP described, it wasn't that he was not willing to work to make the material things happen, he was unable to do so within HER time frame. In the OP's statement he is supporting himself, but he is unable to afford all the upgrades SHE wanted. And in the OP's statement there is no mention of her being willing to share expenses (which is what most women who want an "established" man claim they want, a partner, not a sugar daddy). So people are calling his ex a "gold-digger" because as per the OP's statement, he was unable to put her in the lifestyle he wanted and ALSO unable to help make that lifestyle happen by sharing the work for it.

As for men passing up a "good woman" for the "bimbo", most men don't stay with the bimbo if she doesn't treat him right, and others outgrow the "bimbo" stage when they are ready to settle down. Same as the "good guy/bad boy" issue.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Contact a POF user about another friend in their photos
Posted: 7/27/2012 11:07:34 AM

i get that it is her profile, but why post pic of her friends if they get asked more often than her? Why do women post pic of their friends, and then do not want to be contacted about their friends? Why not be the match maker to your friends?


-Because maybe she likes the picture of HERSELF and her friends just happen to be in the picture, her friend is taken(married/BF) and does not need a matchmaker, that cute "girl" is actually a cross dresser, she doesn't consider her friend competition, and mostly because it IS her profile for HER to meet people, not to play matchmaker. If her friend wants to date, she can set up her OWN profile.


if you have alone pictures, you could be perceived as a loner, but if you have pics of you with other people, especially women then you will be perceived as a social guy. Just like when a man is alone at a bar, club... he is not likely to get picked on by the ladies, but on the other hand a guy that is already talking to other women, is instantly more attractive to other women... because he has been pre-qualified by theses other women, hence must not be a creepy, weird, loner. It's called manufactured demands


Funny, for me it's the opposite. I think a guy with pictures of him with lots of women around him is a player or has insecurity issues, same with out in real life. If it's a mixed group-that shows social skills. When the guy is only surrounded by women, I assume he's mostly just looking for one thing.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
What do you think about this?
Posted: 7/27/2012 10:35:16 AM
I personally don't think it is a red flag. He admits to having a child and that he was young and did not want the child, to me that equals honesty and self awareness (which many seem to lack). Also there are not enough details here to decide, as others have said there is a lot of possible reasons that could have lead to this situation. Just because he is older now does not mean he should suddenly decide to insert himself into the child's life (or that he would be allowed legally or would be welcomed by the child/child's family).

If you want to think it is selfish OP that's your option. But with out the full story or more information, I think it could be extremely selfish of him to suddenly insert himself into the child's life at this point. If the child is happy and has no clue about him, his seeking the child out and suddenly changing much of that child's life simply because HE (or his significant other) wants to IS selfish. It is not for the child, but for the guy to boost his own ego/self esteem or to impress a significant other = selfish. They say adoption is one of the most UNSELFISH things a PARENT can do. Without more info, for all we know that is similar to what this guy has gone through.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 2 (view)
 
When
Posted: 7/26/2012 7:56:24 PM
Honestly those sound like superficial and easy reasons to use for a break up. If she knew your financial situation and was aware of your areas economy (which I would hope she was), she would understand that things like big apartments, new cars, and better jobs don't just materialize because we wish hard enough.

If you are able to support yourself and make acceptable living cuts to make ends meet, that should be good. if you are also wanting to improve things but trying to be sensible about it that should be good as well. If she was so unhappy with things, why did she not offer to split the cost of a car and apartment if they meant so much to her? Or was it she wanted the status of a well employed big paycheck man with a fancy apartment and shiny new car more than she wanted you?

Since you say she was well aware of your financial problems, and you do not mention that she ever offered to split the costs or work with you to help you obtain your goals, I'm going to assume she was superficial and wanted to status of the material things instead of a true partner. It's easier for her to blame the break up on your lack of material goods and services to offer her than to admit she broke up with you because you don't fit her mental image of ideal money making sugar daddy. JMHO
 
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