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 Author Thread: Relationship/Marriage with Childhood Friend-Good or Bad?
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Relationship/Marriage with Childhood Friend-Good or Bad?
Posted: 8/20/2011 1:47:24 AM
Your last question interests me most because it speaks to what I call the "Facebook Phenomenon."

I see so many people ending long-term relationships today and trying to get back with old boyfriends and girlfriends with whom they've reconnected online. And they have all this euphoria about "No one ever knew me better than this person did."

Problem is: It was decades ago, when you both were immature and inexperienced, and now you find yourselves in positions where you've *not* known each other longer than you ever knew each other.

Scary stuff, I think. Lives are changing and families are breaking up because finally we have at our fingertips the ability to answer the questions "Whatever happened to ...?" and "What if s/he and I ...?"
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
How do guys feel when a woman messages them first?
Posted: 8/20/2011 1:38:27 AM
Life is short. You see someone who interests you, say so. It's as easy as that. Find something to comment on -- obviously, the profile meant *something* to you. Shouldn't be tough to just say hello.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
is my profile intimidating to men?
Posted: 8/19/2011 2:26:08 PM
Not intimidating at all.

In fact, mostly your profile is very engaging. Nice self-deprecating tone, but at the same time conveying that you're an ambitious professional.

The only line I'd question is where you say you don't have much spare time. That could cause a man to pause, and it might be the difference between whether they will or won't initiate contact with you. Y'know, if it comes down to messaging you or someone who doesn't mention their time crunch, that could be the difference.

Just a thought. Again, I find you quite engaging & wish you lived close enough to meet for coffee. :)
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Nice way to...
Posted: 8/19/2011 2:24:11 AM
It's as simple and as complicated as saying "I don't feel the same way."

He won't necessarily take it well, but he can't deny your own feelings. Just say it simply, directly and without any room for "Well ... maybe."
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
How long do I wait?
Posted: 8/17/2011 1:24:37 PM
Why wait?

Life is short and littered with far too many unspoken words. If you like someone, tell them. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Isn't that a pretty silly question? Why ask..?
Posted: 8/17/2011 2:17:28 AM
I think that's a very reasonable conversation-starter.

POF is a shared experience, after all, and part of any kind of human connection is discussing the shared experience. That applies if you meet in a workplace, a city park, at a party or, yes, in an online venue.

I find the brief "How's your online dating experience been ...?" conversation to be a great ice-breaker and often a good laugh. I've never had any issues asking or answering the question. Sure seems innocent to me.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Hiding important info
Posted: 8/16/2011 12:20:27 PM
Well, I once met a woman who not only had a DWI, but had *multiple* DWIs and had to "go away for a while." :)

But the big uh-oh for me -- and it's happened several times -- is when a woman waits til we're face-to-face to tell me she's still "a little bit married."

It seems some people have way different definitions of "divorced" and "separated" than I do, and they think their deception will be forgiven if I just see their sincere eyes and pretty smile.

Uh ... no.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Education and dating
Posted: 8/16/2011 12:18:01 PM
Never even a consideration from what I've experienced.

It ain't at all about formal education. It's about human expression and the ability to communicate effectively. Things, frankly, that no school can teach you.

Formal education has never even been a topic of conversation while on a date.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
TV date suggestions - rain and thunderstorms
Posted: 8/16/2011 10:04:02 AM
Old episodes of the Twilight Zone maje great date discussions. And I'm sure you can find some w/storms. How about the classic where William Shatner tries to shoo a gremlin of an airplane wing? I think that was in a storm ...
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Being brutally honest????
Posted: 8/15/2011 12:56:42 PM
In my experience, people who claim to be "brutally honest" are way more into being a brute than they are being honest.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Nobody's Perfect and People Should Be Forgiving as excuses for foul behavior?
Posted: 8/15/2011 10:56:16 AM
Well, you know the old cliche about "Fool me once; shame on you ..."

If you keep setting yourself up to be a victim of the deception, then you have to accept part of the blame. Walk away from bad behavior. That's your best response.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 22 (view)
 
New to online dating, does this mean I'm overreacting.
Posted: 8/14/2011 2:53:09 PM
Does sound like someone is jumping into things a bit hot & heavy. You're right to throw on the brakes. If he's not responsive to that, then you're also right to just move on. Never a good sign when, at the start of a relationship, someone is ignoring your clear messages. This isn't a problem that gets better over time.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Dating,sex and the divorced mom
Posted: 8/14/2011 2:50:12 PM
Well, first of all: Parenting and dating need not be mutually exclusive. You *can* raise your children properly and still find time for a rewarding social life. It isn't a case of either/or. There are plenty of folks out there in the same situation you're in, and it *is* possible to achieve a healthy balance between parenting and dating. Not only possible, but it's necessary, I'd say.

As for the question about "how many dates ...," I'd answer simply: "When it's right." And you'll both know when that is. Might be a week, might be a month, might be never. Just trust your gut on that one, and you'll do fine.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Going to fast??
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:10:43 AM
Hard to make an educated guess w/o hearing the women's perspective. But I wonder this: You haven't dated in 30 years. Are you finding yourself a little overwhelmed and maybe over-excited by all your new prospects? You kinda come across that way in your question. If so, then maybe the women are picking up the same vibe and simply thinking "too much, too soon."

Something to consider ...
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
to get a guys attension
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:09:01 AM
Doesn't at all hurt to try. Just remember that some people might not have the same communications skills as you. Doesn't make them bad ... just different.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
How physical is TOO physical?
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:07:33 AM
Well, there's nothing wrong about exploring a physical relationship, so long as you aren't ignoring the emotional, intellectual and spiritual.

It's when you focus on one aspect at the expense of the others -- that's when you run into problems.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Is it disrespectful to date multiple people at once?
Posted: 8/13/2011 3:31:49 AM
I don't believe you're disrespectful at all to date multiple people while you hone in on your choice for a full-time relationship.

To me, that's what dating is all about. You *should* get out and experience different personalities, backgrounds and interests. Know your options, then choose. If you don't find a choice you like, search anew.

*Sleeping* with multiple people is a different story. I don't condone that for health or emotional reasons. That's when casual sex becomes casualty sex -- someone always gets hurt.

But don't get pushed into anything for which you're not ready. You want to date openly for a bit? More power to you.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Should I ask out my Male coworker?
Posted: 8/13/2011 3:28:03 AM
Life is short. If you like someone and think you'd like to be with them, then make a move.

What's to lose?
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Would you do these things face to face OR How the internet has taken the romance out of dating
Posted: 8/12/2011 10:40:55 AM
A biter, huh? Wow. Wonder what handbook prescribed that little tactic. :)

Y'know, I always say: There's no excuse for bad manners, and for a few sorry people ... there's also no alternative.

Get your rabies shots and move on.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Tricked into a subsequent date?
Posted: 8/12/2011 10:37:33 AM
Actually, I always pick up the tab and, if pressed, will smile and say "You can get it next time."

But I don't intend that to be a "trap" by any means, and I can't see where it's proven to be one.

And I kinda don't mean it. :) I always reach for my own wallet first when I'm on a date. Just feels right to me, that's all. The way I was raised, I guess.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Going back into dating...why is this SO hard?
Posted: 8/12/2011 2:10:32 AM
Y'know, a lot of it is just a matter of perspective.

You use terms like "baggage," "without a real clue," "afraid ..." Those terms have negative connotations, and they can't do anything but put you in a tough space as you go out into the world and try to start a fresh relationship.

I'm close to your same age, but I still feel excited for every new day. Instead of baggage, I carry experience. Quite the opposite of clueless, I know more now about how people think and react than I ever have. And instead of fearful about the future, I'm hopeful.

There's so much in life to be excited about, and at our ages we should be smarter than ever and bring a lot more experience to the table when we start our next relationships. This should be an exciting time in our lives, not frightening.

Again, it's just a matter of perspective.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Am I Immature for wanting to WAIT??
Posted: 8/12/2011 2:02:06 AM
Take a step back here, please.

1) You met last weekend.

2) You had *a* date.

3) And now he's talking about an "emotional connection" as he seeks entry into your pants.

What's wrong with this picture?

Reminds me of what a friend told me years ago: A young man will use love to get sex, while a young woman will use sex to get love.

Don't get used.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Men...how do women win you back?
Posted: 8/12/2011 1:59:26 AM
Let's take a step back and ask another, more important question: Why would anyone *want* back someone who cannot decide whether they even want to be in a relationship?

That kind of wishy-washiness can be devastating on all levels. Get fooled by it once, shame on the partner. But then to openly go back for more? Shame on you-know-who.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What to do next !!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2011 1:56:50 AM
You're both on dating sites looking for attention from other people. What more do you need to know? It's time for you both to be honest with one another and A) Recommit to your relationship or B) Move on.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Whats the deal with Sex talk- e-mail/Letters?
Posted: 8/10/2011 2:14:43 AM
I've always figured it's just a matter of, hey, they have nothing else to talk about, or that's all they know -- the physical.

There are many of us, though, who can focus on the emotional, intellectual and spiritual sides. Just gotta choose your correspondents carefully.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
relationship status
Posted: 8/9/2011 9:44:08 AM
My guess is "long-term" is what he thinks women want him to say. "Nothing serious" is how he really feels.

But, hey, don't go by words in a drop-down menu. See how he sounds and acts in conversation.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Giving off a vibe . . . .
Posted: 8/9/2011 9:42:32 AM
It sure *can* happen.

I met a woman not long ago who had survived her own divorce and battle with cancer, and -- in light of those challenges -- dating and relationships didn't mean a lot to her. "Apathetic" is how she described herself. And it showed.

Who wants to attempt to start a relationship with someone who's essential message is "I could take you or leave you ...?"

When you're truly ready, then I bet you'll give off a more welcoming vibe.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Impatient with toddler interruption of phone call-Is this normal
Posted: 8/9/2011 2:51:25 AM
Look at it this way: If this is the behavior you see at the very start of the relationship, when everyone is supposed to be on their best behavior ... what happens when he starts to feel settled in with you?

Doesn't feel encouraging, does it?
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
advise needed
Posted: 8/9/2011 2:49:29 AM
I haven't had such an experience before, but I do know this: If you think your significant other has deceived you in some way, then you've got to call him on it immediately. Otherwise, it'll just eat away at you -- like it is. And that's just not healthy.

So sorry for your experience.
 write time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Why set a date just to bail?
Posted: 8/8/2011 6:54:42 AM
That's just bad manners. No excuse. No second chances, either, I hope.

Man, and at the time when people are supposed to be on their best behavior to leave a *good* impression ...
 write time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Tattoos?
Posted: 8/8/2011 6:53:35 AM
Mainly, I think it's a personal taste thing. For me, just not my preference. I don't begrudge anyone their body art. I'm just not interested or attracted.

The age question to me is: How are these tattoos going to look in 25 years? In some cases, the answer is pretty unpleasant. :)
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
why did he cancel, was he scared?
Posted: 8/7/2011 5:21:44 AM
My thought? He's in another "committed" relationship (marriage or otherwise) and doesn't want to say so.

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

So sorry.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Guys would you act like this?
Posted: 8/7/2011 1:56:24 AM
This is normal behavior for two people who are absolute bad matches for one another. But there's nothing here that sounds encouraging for a healthy adult relationship. When you're into someone, you're *into* them. When you're not, you get what you described.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
why does he have only women friends?
Posted: 8/7/2011 1:53:27 AM
Female friends are fine. But when one has to leave the room to talk to them? That feels like "someone has something to hide."

If you are fighting about this now, what's the situation going to be like if you stay together and he starts to settle in and feel comfortable with you?

You've every right to be concerned and to take a stand on what is and is not acceptable for you.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Why do men not approach me?
Posted: 8/7/2011 1:47:50 AM
Hard to say from this impersonal distance, of course. But if your vibe in-person is like what you convey online, then you're giving off a "keep your distance" message. Your profile seems to emphasize uncertainty and a bit of negativity, vs. focusing on the positive sides of who you are and what you want. I'd certainly be cautious about messaging you if we were in the same geographic and social circle.

You might ask your friends to give you a reality-check on the body language you use when you're out. Maybe there are some visual cues you can amend.

Good luck, in any event.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
When a guy asks for your number, what does it mean?
Posted: 8/7/2011 1:39:43 AM
Chances have to be better than 50-50 that the guys will call. Bigger question: What are the chances you'll go out with them? Not exactly starting out strong if you're already saying you're not especially into them.

My advice: Save your phone number for the guys who *do* interest you.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 25 (view)
 
hey questions on dating and sleeping with date
Posted: 8/5/2011 2:41:42 AM
It's only OK if you *say* it's OK.

If you're not comfortable with having a physical relationship without also having a social one, then you've got to be the one to say so. Otherwise, it's status quo, and apparently you've allowed yourself to become someone else's on-demand entertainment.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 8 (view)
 
When should the real emotion kick in?
Posted: 8/5/2011 2:38:51 AM
In my experience -- and your mileage may vary -- love comes on its own terms. You cannot manufacture or predict it. And when it's not there, that's it: It's simply not there.

I had your same concern a couple of years ago, that I just wasn't going to fall in love again. I'd dated, had some short-term relationships with some women who expressed strong feelings for me, but I just wasn't feeling the same. I started thinking that maybe I'd had my turn, and it wasn't going to come around again.

But then I met a woman who totally turned my world around, and I realized that yes, indeed, I was capable of love.

The relationship ended, sadly, but at least now I know that love still is a possibility. But only on love's own terms.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Hey guys, a little advice please?
Posted: 8/5/2011 2:33:19 AM
In my experience, the best ways to keep a conversation going are to be genuine -- let your personality come through in your messages -- and ask questions/offer answers that show you're sincerely interested in learning more.

Show that you've read the person's profile and have found a point or two in common.

Above all, please avoid one- or two-word messages. Nothing kills my interest in someone any faster than to receive a note that says merely "Hi" or "What's up?" I mean, what can you even *do* with that?
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Dating People With Dependent Children
Posted: 8/4/2011 1:44:16 PM
Totally your call. No harm, no foul. You've earned the right to date whom you choose, and you don't owe explanations to anybody.

Personally, I love young kids -- including my own -- and I welcome the opportunity to date good moms.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
would you hang around if...
Posted: 8/4/2011 2:24:26 AM
Stick around as what -- pen pals? Because right now that's all the relationship is. For it to grow into something more, a lot more presence is required.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I have a question about sending 'fun' pictures.
Posted: 8/4/2011 2:23:12 AM
I don't understand the mentality behind just *taking* the photos, never mind sharing them with strangers!

No, not all guys think this way. Trust me.

As for those that do ... well, I guess I wouldn't be looking for a lot of intellectual or emotional depth from someone who thinks a genital portrait is a proper calling card. So, your call whether to continue the conversation. Lord knows what you'd discuss after *that*.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 99 (view)
 
Too many red flags??
Posted: 8/3/2011 12:14:40 PM
Yup, I agree. He totally sounds like he has some kind of committed relationship elsewhere. These flags rarely signal false alarms.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Thoughts about dating a girl with an abusive ex
Posted: 8/3/2011 12:13:20 PM
Just be careful & know what you're getting into. I was involved in one of these relationships once, and it ended with the male ex attacking the female ex and her new boyfriend with a meat cleaver. The stalker ended up getting shot to death. A tragedy no matter how you look at it, but it could have escalated badly and taken innocent lives.

Just know what you're risking, that's all.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
should i clarify
Posted: 8/3/2011 12:10:35 PM
I'd leave it. Maybe you embarrassed him somehow by acknowledging that he's on a dating site -- who knows? Whatever the case, you made the outreach, and it's up to him to respond. Nothing more you can or should do. I do think you made the right move, though.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
No sure what to think. Can someone advise me?
Posted: 8/3/2011 6:19:49 AM
You give all the indications of really wanting to meet this man and see what comes of it, so I urge you:

1) To continue trying;

2) To not put all your hopes on that one man. For now, it seems like a good idea to keep your options open.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Do you read profiles thoroughly before making contact?
Posted: 8/3/2011 2:13:25 AM
I absolutely read every word of a profile because what a woman says about herself -- what she wants you to know and how she conveys it -- to me, that says everything.

But, hey, I make my living with words. I know I'm an exception. :)
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Just out of curiousity, what would men think??
Posted: 8/2/2011 4:24:54 AM
A new relationship is complicated enough. I wouldn't want to introduce a third-party pregnancy to the situation.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is dating a widower/widow that scary?
Posted: 8/2/2011 4:22:49 AM
I have no idea why that would be a barrier to anyone. Wouldn't even be a consideration for me. We all have painful partings in our past -- they're part of what shape us into who we are today.

And, yes, I do believe you can find a true relationship here. The trick is to find someone who can recognize one when they're in it.

Good luck!
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Am I being strung along?
Posted: 8/2/2011 2:52:12 AM
If he's serious enough to sleep with you, he should be serious enough to focus on you exclusively.

The way you describe the guy, I wouldn't be surprised if he's in another "committed" relationship -- possibly even married. When you're this involved and he won't introduce you to home or to friends, he has something to hide. And it ain't you.
 
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