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 Author Thread: Do you think a true relationship is possible?
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Do you think a true relationship is possible?
Posted: 4/10/2013 6:00:32 PM
I think CawkBlawker sums it up well. As a male, dating a stripper wouldn't be a problem for me, but dating a woman who'd been sleeping around rather indiscriminately, doing it for money and doing it very often, would give me pause. I don't even know if they can test for every disease that's out there, but you are everyone you ever slept with. And I wouldn't trust women who'd paid to sleep with you any more than I would men who pay for sex, to be clean.

People strip for many economic reasons. I've met strippers who were truly putting themselves through college, were single moms, etc. Not all are drug users or sleezy. However, escorting sounds like dangerous business. What woman would want to take a physical risk regarding her health with a guy who'd been around like that?
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
What do you think of this text?
Posted: 4/10/2013 5:48:34 PM
I like Spilling Fire's edit of your original text message. But I have to agree with everyone that a phone call would be preferrable. I know she's in the generation that enjoys texting but if you're trying to get a joke across vocal inflection is important. Even if it's just, "Hi, Abi, it's ____, the guy who started a dance party to get dance with you." She's either interested by now or not. Best not to make anything too complex in what you say or write.

By the way, good on you for enlisting the aid of the girls on the dance floor. I'm sure they all got a kick out of helping you get your dance. And the young lady had to have been impressed that you were that determined and creative.

Good luck!
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How long should i wait?
Posted: 4/8/2013 5:00:57 PM
That seems like enough time to get to know each other via texts or messages. Rather than get your hopes built up or get to like her too much without really knowing her, a meet seems in order. Something casual, in a public place with as little pressure as possible. As good as someone sounds in print you never really know if the chemistry is there until you look into each others eyes and spend time speaking in person.

Pardon me if I sound over protective, but please remember to tell a friend where you're going and whatever information you have on the person you're going to meet. Maybe arrange to make a call to your friend after 1/2 hr. or so, just to check in and let her know all is well.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
why would guy go thru such trouble?
Posted: 4/7/2013 3:09:47 PM
I have to agree with Miker and Cactus. It was only a dance and an exchange of numbers. Not a big deal. When you love to dance you're happy to meet potential partners. But there was nothing romantic indicated according to what you've written.

Whether he was actually texting his son or not is inconsequential. Whatever he and his pal were doing it was more important to them than seeking you out. It doesn't sound like they were making some huge effort to ignore you.....but rather that the guy's interest in you simply doesn't run too deep.

If you find him attractive or interesting I'd recommend to leave things be and see if he contacts you. That's how you'll know if he wants more contact with you and what nature he's hoping it will be. You're reading way too much into this very casual contact. People often misuse or mislead each other but I don't think this guy is guilty of anything like that.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What you should/should never say to a girl when approaching her
Posted: 4/7/2013 2:03:20 PM
Don't say:
I lost my number, can I have yours?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.
Do you know karate? Because baby, your body is really kicking!
You know, you've got a great set of tits. And your Mother is pretty hot too.
God, my wife would love it if I brought a chick as hot as you home to sleep with us.
I'm doing a handcuffs and blindfold test. May I put these on you?


Do say:
I hope you don't mind me telling you, but I think you're beautiful.
(Pointing to the harbor) Do you like the color I had my yacht painted?
Didn't we meet at Brad and Angelina's party?
My last wife took me for 40 million dollars when we divorced. I hope you're not that type.
Ordinarily I wouldn't approach a beautiful woman like you when I'm in dirty clothes, but I was saving orphans and kittens from a fire and got some soot on me.
I want to be the one to bear our children so you won't ruin your figure.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Do I need to try harder?
Posted: 4/7/2013 1:41:09 PM
More important than trying to figure out the intricacies of on-line dating site conversations, you need to work on creating those real world scenarios where you can approach girls. For a young guy like you this kind of site should only be an augmentation to your dating life. A secondary way of meeting young women, not the primary. A lot of people don't take these sites seriously enough, or give them enough focus, to be reliable.

Looking at what you've written you come across as someone who can express themselves, who sincerely wants to meets someone, who doesn't have a bad attitude, etc. You're a tall, good looking, young guy as well. If shyness is holding you back I hope you can find ways to build your self esteem. There were no ready made scenarios when I was a young guy either....sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns, make eye contact and try to start a conversation. Meeting in the real world gives you such a better idea of who you're dealing with.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
do I look old?
Posted: 4/7/2013 1:30:40 PM
I believe you look your age. I'm 62 and I also generally get messages from women older than myself, so I don't think it has to do with your age or generation. Perhaps women experience the same thing. My guess is that, no matter what sex we are, there is something enticing about someone younger than us. Perhaps you should take it as a compliment that they view you as a mature man.....but I know what you mean about experiencing some frustration. I also wonder why so many of my messages come from older women. It not always the case, but it's a surprising amount.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Meet me feature.
Posted: 4/6/2013 1:38:22 PM
I agree with the majority of guys that the Meet Me feature is meaningless. People see photos of someone they find attractive and click. They may not even know you're going to find out they did that.

As for you initiating contact, by all means do so. It's not even generational any longer. I get messages from women in my age group so certainly it's not unusual for a girl your age to write to a guy. It's not a matter of losing status or power in the relationship if you're the first to say hello. If he's a decent guy he'll simply be thrilled to hear from such a pretty girl and won't think twice about the fact that you began contact.

Please do more than say, "Hi, how are you?" Most everyone hates those types of messages and don't respond to them. All that's necessary is just a few sentences, perhaps mentioning something you like in his profile or referring to something you have in common. Good luck!!
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Are white men interested in thick black girls?
Posted: 4/2/2013 9:13:43 PM
Although it's, "Ask A Guy," both men and women are allowed to post, so you may get some responses from women.

It's a two part question. First, will white guys date outside their race? I know I have and when I look around me I see quite a few mixed couples....this is in Los Angeles. But I can't say that I seen tons of black/white couples. Whether that's a personal choice of attraction or culture or if they feel pressures from people around them being prejudiced I couldn't say. There was a black woman I was crazy about in my 20's and although she liked me a great deal too, she felt she should only date within her race. Another black woman I dated later only liked white guys.

Bottom line. Odds probably decrease when you're looking to date outside your race.

Second, thick or thin? Men of every race have their preferences. You see skinny guys with thick white women sometimes. I don't think race plays into this, just what an individual finds attractive.

White guys don't show their interest much differently than black guys do based on what I've seen. If you can't tell if a guy is interested, the odds are good he isn't. But you may need to be brave and indicate interest first if there's someone you really like. He may not know you date whites so he isn't making a move.

Hopefully the older and more mature we get the less any of these things play into how we perceive each other.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
not interested?
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:54:06 PM
He did not treat you with respect or make you feel special, both of which you say you want in your profile. Be grateful he didn't call and don't feel you have to give everyone a second chance. NO date is better than a date with someone like him.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Is there a chance?
Posted: 3/26/2013 4:16:46 PM
"You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Friend Zone!"
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
European girls
Posted: 3/26/2013 4:09:13 PM
I have done an unofficial survey of all the European and American women I know. The consensus seems to be that none of them will feel attracted enough by a photo of a man dressed like Popeye to wish to initiate contact. Particularly if he is chewing gum with his nose. The only woman who was instantly attracted to your photo is 5'10" and weighs 89 pounds. Her name is Olive and she may be in touch.

Suggest you pose this question in the Irish forum. It's hard not to suspect that some new photos might help your cause more than worrying about cultural differences between women. It's only a guess, but the Irish ladies I've known didn't lack for courage. I imagine they're as apt to contact a man first as North American women would be. Even an old guy like me gets women messaging him. This isn't the profile review section, but I'll still recommend you get some new photos, drop the, "funnier," ones and choose the most flattering one possible as your main picture.

It never hurts to have a photo of yourself wearing a jaunty captain's hat, standing in front of a yacht. It doesn't have to be your yacht, of course. You can explain that it isn't after the first date.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is he lying?
Posted: 3/22/2013 1:45:52 PM
If a woman was legitimately in trouble I don't think it was wrong for him to be concerned for her or worried. I've had that happen where I was with a woman and then saw a girl essentially thrown out of a car to the road. Naturally I was concerned and the girl I was with didn't mind that.

I don't text much but I'm sure errors can happen, just like wrong numbers in phone calls.

What bothers me is that he took a week to reply and tell you it was an error. Maybe he was seeing someone else and it didn't work out so he's now reconsidering you. Whatever the reason, that long a wait shows indifference or indecision.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
I have a really strange problem dating...
Posted: 3/16/2013 12:19:01 AM
What's the old saying? "A naked Lesbian in bed is worth 20 clothed straights girls in a bar." So what if they're trying you on like a sweater or if you're merely a transitional stage between their more serious relationships? You're still a part of the dance and that's wonderful. It's pulling it together to attract the straight girls that is the next step. If you're sitting with a Lesbian friend, with your arm around her, does that not draw the attention of any straight girls towards you, who might be intrigued or curious?

It's that horrible guise of having to fake total confidence in yourself even if you don't feel it. You must be the Lion, not the Zebra.....the hammer, not the nail. Take what ever power or mastery you'd gotten from the gay girls and bring it across the straight ones.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Foreign Women: Can a man be too 'keen' to learn your language?
Posted: 3/16/2013 12:08:11 AM
I don't think you need to get overly ambitious quickly. By all means, it's very flattering when someone learns a few phrases in our language. Before I'd travel abroad I'd always learn some polite, basic phrases that would demonstrate respect and care for the other persons culture. Being able to greet her, compliment her, know the right name for suitcases......all of that will impress her and shows you've been preparing to see her again.

I've had to do a lot of speaking to people who have English as a second language, and sometimes not very adeptly. One cannot get hung up in the subtleties of situations, but rather keep the images and ideas and clear and simple as possible. They can use their own intelligence to fill in the blanks.

Definitely both parties have to expect an arc in their growth and discovery. But if you and she truly hit if off than both the beginning and continuance of learning and sharing might be a very exciting

On the cynical side, make sure she's got divorce papers that are legit, if that is in fact her status. There are lot of Russian women around these days pulling off scams in order to get their citizenship. Hopefully she's not one of them.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
am i missing connections?
Posted: 3/15/2013 11:55:00 PM
You have now progressed past the "just friends," stage with Girl #1. It's time to ask her out, without your friends hanging with you. Just you and her. I recommend not getting so stoned or hammered that either of you do something you'll be ashamed of later. But if you got to the stage of physical contact and she's been fine with you ever since then she obvious doesn't/didn't object. Now you've got to interact when you're straight so there can me no misunderstandings about what might go on.

Girl #2 is a flirt and a player and a potential cheater. Attractive or not, she sounds like trouble waiting to happen.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Men talking about past sexual conquests
Posted: 1/20/2013 9:12:36 AM
In no way are you a prude for finding this behavior objectionable or, "yucky." As a man I would not want to hear my date try to impress me with all her latest sexual experiences. It would make me wonder if that was all there was to her and nothing more. Just a series of conquests. It definitely sounds like they are either over compensating for their own insecurities, or are only dating you with one purpose in mind.

Your profile and photos are totally classy. They show how attractive you are but in no way should they be inviting improper behavior.

This is not something guys normally do to my knowledge. Maybe you've got to tighten your vetting process and any reject any guy who bring us sex early in the messaging process. The only woman he should be talking about on a first date is you, unless you've asked him a question about an ex......and why do that?

There's a great old song by Carly Simon about a bf sharing his dating past with her. She sings that she appreciates honesty, but sometimes she wishes she never knew some of those secrets.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Being the bait vs. Being the fisherwoman
Posted: 1/16/2013 10:14:06 AM
I don't know what the racial scene is like in Illinois but if you were here in Los Angeles the guys would be standing in line to meet you. You're gorgeous, you're well-spoken and you volunteer at an animal shelter! Big points from me for the latter, as I do as well. Would love to see an example of what you're writing to these young men, as I can't imagine what the problem is. Do remember that some people join POF and then rarely log on, so some of your messages might not be scene. And some people (male and female) are simply not polite enough to reply to messages if they're not instantly interested. Hang in there. If I were 24, 5'10" and in Illinois I'd buy you all the hot chocolate you could drink.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Need Help Deciphering
Posted: 1/14/2013 8:51:21 PM
She's a stripper and that's what she's used to saying when someone hands her a trip - or in your case a glass. That's how meaningless the term is. In England it might be said to someone's Auntie as they handed you some tea. It signifies nothing but a friendlier way of saying thank you. If she starts telling you your eyes make her drunker than the alcohol then you know you're getting somewhere. Or that you're watering your drinks.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What's the deal with tattoo attraction?
Posted: 1/14/2013 4:58:23 PM
To CawkBlawker- My heart goes out to you. If men insist on having tattoos perhaps they should be inked with their penis size and net worth. That might make being a girl a bit easier.

OP-It reminds me of long hair in the 60's, the punk look, etc. I imagine there are a lot of people following the crowd and when they age they'll regret looking like overweight merchant marines. The human body is beautiful as it is. When I want art I go to a gallery. A really interesting or attractive tattoo is hard to find.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Why would you vote for obama but not date a black man?
Posted: 1/14/2013 4:48:37 PM
It's before your time, but how many women were gung ho for Richard Nixon, yet if they saw him in a bar wouldn't romantically pursue him? What if the President were huge, fat and ugly? Should women then assume that all such men are fit candidates to entrust with their hearts? What does attractiveness have to do with the responsibilities of leadership? If your question is why some people of some races won't date people of others it's legit to ask. Or why some won't date people of their own race/religion.

But, wow, I certainly hope women didn't vote for someone based on whether they could imagine being romantically attracted to him. They voted for him the same reason men did. If there were a gay President whom I voted for I wouldn't suddenly go trolling for men. The one has noting to do with the other.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
aversion to kissing on the lips
Posted: 1/14/2013 8:26:32 AM
I've never heard of such an aversion - in men or women. That's such an important part of the build up of desire. Soft, slow, long kisses that build in passion, length and pressure, then become slow again, etc. Just as words and the first tentative touches add to the provocative atmosphere there is so much that can be communicated in a kiss. I would not want to be intimate with someone who wouldn't kiss or couldn't kiss half well. Quite seriously, if men are suddenly avoiding kissing you on the lips be sure of your oral hygiene in case that's a problem.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
First Meet
Posted: 1/10/2013 9:17:00 AM
The "Meet" contract I had my lawyer draw up says that I will pay for everything so long as the woman laughs at least 64% of my jokes, looks interested in what I'm saying 80% of the time and doesn't actually fall asleep at any point......

As much as times have changed in regards to the roles of men and women in society it is still customary for the man to pay. Personally, when I dated a woman who offered to share the bill I was always impressed and pleased. Not because of the actual money, but it showed me that she wasn't a gold digger or a hanger-on. She was viewing our potential relationship as a partnership. And having a woman occasionally treat me to something was a real treat as well. If she pulled out my chair for me and complimented my haircut as well I was a push-over for a good night kiss. :)
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Need some advice
Posted: 1/6/2013 10:37:05 AM
The sarcasm, the fights, the ex, the fear of commitment...........Sometimes there are borders we cross that are impossible to return from. In a sense you were thrown together in a living situation that may have come far too soon in the relationship. And it sounds like (to your credit) you're willing to take the blame for some of the things that have gone wrong.

The fact that you are pro-active in dealing with problems you see in yourself is fantastic and this may serve you very well in the future. But this relationship is over. And if you even did manage to get together with her the chances of undoing and healing the past may be insurmountable. And all the bad habits you exhibited with her that you're working on so hard to cure might all come back along with all the unhealthy patterns.

Rather than repeat what plulpblulb said above, I simply urge you to read that posting again.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Why do guys click yes on the Meet Me feature then don't converse?
Posted: 1/4/2013 7:37:29 AM
You're a very pretty young woman. Some guys might see your photo in the Meet Me section and casually click "maybe," or, "yes," never realizing it will send a message to you. Certainly not knowing that even, "maybe," might. They may not be seriously intending to approach you but only clicking on photos they like for fun. When you actually approach them they might be at a lose for words because they never expected to actually have a conversation with you.

I think if someone is serious they message you, they don't deal with the Meet Me feature which most people agree is pretty useless.

As far as short comments and responses go, as some of the men have already mentioned, there are women who can be just as bad. Even an older guy like me dealing with what one would think are mature women, gets two or three word messages sometimes that tell me nothing about who has written. You've got to sift through the rocks to find the gold, just like in the real world.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
DIRTY PIX
Posted: 1/3/2013 6:39:05 PM
Refusing to send revealing photos of yourself does not make you a prude it means you have common sense. Not only is the person asking not serious dating material, you don't know where those photos might end up on the internet. Believe me, men know why you won't send them. If they're saying they're surprised you won't they're playing you.

As to boobs just being boobs. Well, why do you want to look at Brad Pitt more than Bill O'Reilly? (Making a guess here) Faces are just faces, right? Nature constructed us men to appreciate bobbsies both big and small and appreciate the subtle differences.

But no guy worth bothering with asks for revealing photos. And my respect for a woman would drop if she were to send me photos like that unsolicited. Some people are here for the forums, some for the dating site and some to get anything they can get from anybody they can take advantage of.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
I need some help with a woman
Posted: 12/30/2012 8:08:10 PM
I guess you've learned that the type of women who send naked pictures of themselves to married men expect flattery, not comedy. After all, helping you cheat on your wife is serious business. Better ask her for her latest STD tests along with those photos and hopefully she'll ask for yours. It'll be quite the humorous scene if it all gets back to your wife, I suppose.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
does still being married on paper meen i shouldnt date
Posted: 12/30/2012 7:59:27 PM
Honesty, honesty, honesty. When I was separated I made that very clear and was again forthright when I was divorced. Our job is to be totally clear about our situations. Then the woman or man we're interested in has the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether they want to date us. If they hesitate to date someone who is separated it's perfectly understandable. You might say reconciliation is out of the question but she can't know what's in your heart or up your exes lawyer's sleeve regarding what property you'll still have left. I think it does put a roadblock in the way with some people but not always. In any case, it's not something you want to be found out after the fact. Keep it in your profile. Hopefully you'll meet someone who is impressed that you're not playing her with any b.s. about your situation.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Are Men in their late 20's Less Inclined to date a Woman in her 30's?
Posted: 12/30/2012 7:48:32 PM
I think it's wise of you to have expanded your mail settings to include a wider expanse of ages. My experience when I was younger was that, when I was 20, I lived with a woman of 30. At 23 I was living with my wife-to-be, who was 28. Older women always interested me. Probably because I had left school early, been in the work world, traveled and was quite mature. I admired the responsibility, earthiness and grounded nature of women with more life experience. Having said that, when I think back to my late 20's, I don't imagine I would have had any problem at all dating a woman of 34. My only real rule of thumb, past the age of 20, was that I didn't want to date any more women who weren't at least in their late 20's.

However, it does seem to be the norm that men date women younger than themselves. Youthful or not, that's who you're competing with.

There are young looking men in their 30's who may not want children either and some who haven't been married. However, as you get older it's going to be harder and harder to find a guy who's never been wed. And you might find that you are more suspicious of that fact, rather than attracted to it.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Blocked?
Posted: 12/30/2012 2:40:33 AM
As you describe it, your reply sounded completely honest and inoffensive. Naturally physical attraction is a large aspect in what draws people together. Hopefully it is only one of many. This girl may have been talking to other guys at the same time, may have fake photos or might be flaky. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. If a pattern forms in your communication with women you'd be bright to do some self-examination but this sounds like an instance of bumping into the wrong person. We've all had instances (both men and women) where someone seemed sane and desirable at first and then showed their true colors as nut cases. Let her go and move on.....hope you find a fellow animal lover.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Is red hair a turnoff for women?
Posted: 12/30/2012 2:31:13 AM
You say you have red hair and that you are not forward with women as if these were interconnected factors. Well, I'm not very tall and other guys are not very something or other. Using being a ginger for an excuse not to approach someone you're interested in sounds like a weak excuse for not following through. Rejection can happen to us all for a variety of reasons and hair color would seem to be a pretty weak one.

I know you were asking women specifically about this, but I've never heard a woman speak poorly of red heads. They often envy a woman with a full head of red hair. My beloved grandmother and one of my best deceased female friends were red-heads. As is my nephew. Bring on the red-headed women - they look stunning.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Awkward situation
Posted: 12/30/2012 2:22:44 AM
Ah, so the ex was cheating on his gf with you. The web of deceit is already in place. And he had the nerve to introduce you to his friends while he was cheating. If you were aware that he was cheating than you've made your bed and can lie in it, because you deserve to be uncomfortable. If the ex had been lying to you all along (and you didn't know he had a gf), then by all means apprise the new guy of the situation so he doesn't think you're a skank who dates other women's bfs.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
One date - lots of text convo then...
Posted: 12/29/2012 6:22:14 PM
The echo continues.....you were on ONE date. It's a shame he missed sending you an XMAS message. Perhaps he spent that entire day being a responsible Dad to his child, and the girl he'd had ONE date with wasn't on his mind. Perhaps he felt someone he'd only had ONE date with wouldn't have so many expectations. It's his right to post photos of himself kissing an Elephant if he wants. You and he aren't an item after ONE date and his world existed before you entered it. I see the entire planet having text convo every second so I can't see why anyone would attach much significance to it. Life/love/relationships are built in the face-to-face world.

I suggest you re-read Christ on a crutch, Waits and Windychymes responses. We're not all telling you the same thing because we're picking on you. You were hoping for validation from the responders and you're not getting much of that. Perhaps you should take that to heart and ask yourself if you might be off in your thinking. I truly respect that you understand and value his loyalty to his child, but the responsibilities we have to each other (as dating adults) only grow over time. As the relationship builds so do the justifiable expectations.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
A young intelligent man contacted me, then something happened
Posted: 12/29/2012 6:06:02 PM
Were you intending to be flirtatious by saying your family might not approve? Because it simply sounds like a means of you turning him down, which he apparently took in that manner. If he said, "We respect your family," perhaps he was referring to you and himself. He may have meant it sarcastically, thinking it sounded foolish that a grown woman needed her family's approval on who she should date. He may have sincerely felt that you were telling him it might cause discord and he didn't want to be the cause of that. Or, he may have been worried that if he shagged you, then disappeared, your family might come after him.

In any case, if you are interested in someone, don't throw up roadblocks, real or imagined. It sounds like you want someone to jump hurdles for you and "win you over," despite your protesting. Life and relationships throw up enough hurdles without us adding to them. It's my understanding that if you ask a woman out she will answer in the affirmative or negative and I would respect either reply. I would never stay on the phone with a woman I'd never met, trying to get her to, "give in," to meeting me.

There are plenty of young men out there interested in more mature women. If that entices you then play it straight with them and more power to you both.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
2nd date planned.....but he doesn't respond?
Posted: 12/29/2012 5:51:22 PM
"Hello stranger," infers that you are waiting for him to get in touch with you. As in, "Where have you been?" So it might feel passive/aggressive to the receiver. My Mother used to say that to me when she was chiding me for not having phoned lately . Even with your further explanation I must agree with the others that you need to slooooooow down the communications. I'm sure you don't mean to be rushing/pushing him and that there are reasons for everything you've done, but don't be shocked if he steps back a bit and behaves unsure of how to interpret what's going on. 3ffervescent had a good response.

This is an instance where most of the men and women see it the same way. Get along with your other plans and see if he gets in touch with you. Your date is on the 5th. If he doesn't contact you by the 1st, give him a ring (or text) to ask if you're still on for that date. Only do so once, would be my advice. How quickly he responds, or if he does at all, will answer all your questions.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Completely Baffled
Posted: 12/29/2012 5:24:41 PM
Possibilities:

1) All he ever wanted was sex. Once he got it he moved on.
2) After such close intimacy he realized it was too overpowering for him and he needed to step back. Perhaps he had recently come out of a relationship?
3) He didn't enjoy the sex and didn't feel the chemistry was there.
4) Something else happened or was said that you aren't consciously aware of and it put him off enough to make him not want to come back.
5) You two over-romanticized each other during your whirlwind courtship and once you consummated the act of sex he felt a huge let-down. It was now all real and no longer a Hallmark fantasy card.

Did things change immediately after sex, meaning that very night, or was he still apparently into you as you lay together, talked, sat together afterward, or whatever? It's very hard to know if he was a player or not. That's a lot of work just to have sex which leads me to believe he was into you. Then again, if he's a serial dater maybe that's how he rolls.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 55 (view)
 
What is an acceptable amount of time to wait for sex?
Posted: 12/28/2012 10:29:23 PM
As I aged I completely revised the three date rule, which I had followed as a young man. What I want to know is that by third date am I interested in sex with her and sensing she is with me? Have we passed the barrier where it was a question? If so, there is no hard and fast rule it must happens at that second but it now hangs in the air. If by the third date I can sense that it feels inevitable, that we have crossed that line of personal intimacy, then waiting a few more dates for the opportune time is fine.

If by three dates my testosterone has not clicked in or neither of us is curious what the other is wearing under their clothes than I have probably made a new friend, not a lover.

It's not specifically when you do it, but learning early enough that it feel inevitable and right. It tells you that you're with the right person. Then you can plan it out together, even if it's done so silently or unspoken.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Awkward situation
Posted: 12/28/2012 9:19:14 PM
Ask him out and out if he was ever a mate of your ex. Don't make it a big deal but deal with the question. Do NOT indulge in a game of pretend of who didn't know who when. Find out if he knew/knows him. Ask yourself how YOU feel about it and give him an honest chance to think about how HE feels about that. Maybe it's not going to be any kind of problem at all. And if you bump into your ex while with the new fellow hopefully everyone will behave maturely and there won't be a problem. If there are going to be jealous/anger/conflict issues now is the time to find out. Either ask now or toward the end of the first meet, but don't put it off.

Dishonesty and micro-dramas get found out. Mature people date, move on and date again. They sometimes even remain friends with their exes. Mine just moved in with someone who she wants me to eventually meet and is encouraging me to date as well. We've been honest all the way down the line and managed to stay friends. It can all work out, but only if it's dealt with as mature adults.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Am I misreading his signals or am I really a control freak?
Posted: 12/28/2012 9:09:06 PM
Slow down, you move too fast. It sounds like he edges closer but then you grab on to what you take as a signal and want to drive it to what feels to you to be the next natural level. Sometimes you've got to take a good sign, embrace it, and live with it for a while. Nurture it and watch to see if it grows. It sounds like he's willing to verge the topic of a deep commitment in a rather casual way, as if he's testing his own emotional waters and then you come at him with something more definitive.

He may well turn to be a guy who's afraid of commitment. Or perhaps he doesn't want to feel rushed or pressured into what is most certainly a significant and life changing decision. Going from him saying, "I love you," for the first time, to you asking him to marry you is a big leap. I'd give him some time to progress at his own pace. If he stalls and doesn't move forward you'll know he can't make the final serious steps. But breathe deep, relax, enjoy your good times with him and don't raise the ante every time he shows affection. Let it be still and nurtured and give it time to transform still further.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Virgin at 23
Posted: 12/28/2012 8:53:33 PM
I'm looking at this from the perspective I had in my 20's and 30's, not my current one, or else my answer wouldn't be pertinent. It's the opinion of young men of dateable age you care to hear about. For me, after a few years of sexual experience, the idea of sleeping with inexperienced girls, particularly virgins, was not appealing to me. I did not like having to be a teacher or having some of the fun ruined because of a girl's nervousness at the new experience. It wasn't the end of the world, but it wasn't something I sought out in the way that some men, "treasure," virgins. I don't attach a moral compass to sexual experience where I think less of a woman because she has other sexual partners.

On the other hand, if it were not a casual encounter, but someone I was truly interested and invested in, it would make no difference to me at all. It would only make me hesitate if it were a one-nighter, or something of that nature. If this was a woman I wanted to learn about, build something with and cared for, I would be happy to take all the time in the world with her.

Please don't take this to mean that I wasn't considerate when I had a sexual partner with less experience, it's just that it decreased my enjoyment level. Part of it was due to an experience I'd had with a girl whose only sexual experience had been a rape. She was looking for me to, "make it all right again," "show her what sex could actually be," etc., and it was an uncomfortable situation to be in. It also made me feel enormously responsible for her emotional well being to a degree to where I was barely conscious of myself as a participant. Being someone's "first" is a responsibility in my mind. You want to make it a wonderful, magical, tender and exciting initial experience and I think I take that too seriously to really relax with it.

But there are plenty of guys who put virginity on a pedestal, no matter what age you are. And, again, if a man truly cares for you it will probably become a more minor issue. And please don't be embarrassed by it. There isn't a "Virginity Meter," on our beds, measuring out when our due dates are. When the circumstances and man are right for you it will hopefully be a beautiful experience. By the way, I don't think it's a first date conversation topic. If you begin to share a mutual physical/sexual interest that's the appropriate time to discuss that with him. It's probably good and healthy to talk about at that time so you both feel more secure as you approach your rendevous. Good luck.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Honesty and my marital status
Posted: 12/28/2012 8:33:52 PM
My only hesitation would be if she were recently widowed, which you are not. Someone recently divorced makes me hesitate because they might still be dealing with the residual anger/pain. Someone recently widowed might still be dealing with the residual lost love/pain. In both cases I would want some time to have passed before I'd feel comfortable dating them. In your case four years have gone by and I would assume some healing has taken place. Also, you are giving an honest answer on a dating site - which should be respected. It seems doubtful to me that it would make men hesitate.

The fact is, dating sites are tough places to be no matter what your status.........finally, although four years have passed, may I still offer you my condolences for your loss. It's tragic to be widowed so young and he himself was probably a young man when he passed. Best of luck.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Am I reading into things?
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:20:31 PM
Mrs. Forums has got the right idea. It's either that or have one of your girl friends stick a note in his locker asking him if he likes you (your self reference to being 14 is cute) and wants to meet after school. This guy definitely sounds interested. He seems to be dropping hints left and right but can't work himself up to directly asking you out. In this day and age women make the first move all the time and I don't think men think any the less of them for being proactive. It's a relief not always having to be the one who asks for a date. Thanking him for the card and then suggesting coffee, a drink or whatever feels safe and appropriate to you, sounds like a great idea.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is it a major turn off?
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:11:42 PM
What you talk about on initial dates is generally what you're up to at that time. How you're feeling, what you've been doing, your interests, etc. Generally things are kept light as you test the waters. The past gets discussed in more detail as the future unwinds. If there are bigger issues (i.e. you're in poor health/you are in the midst of a divorce/you're allergic to his cats) that are pertinent, then they need to be discussed sooner, of course. But if I met someone who immediately announced she had trust issues I'd head the other direction. Physician, heal thyself. Abuse and cheating are two terrible things for anyone to have had to endure and they are not to be taken lightly at all. But you can't present that to a new person as if they were disabilities you felt you had to inform them of.

Do your homework with therapy and self examination. Know your boundaries and have definite rules about the kind of person you will allow yourself to become involved with. Build your self respect so that you know you will NEVER allow yourself to be abused again. Work on yourself in order to lessen your fears. Then you are ready to properly size up potential suitors and their strength of character, and be prepared to give yourself to them emotionally if they win your heart. As time goes on tell them more and more of your history. If they value you they'll be intelligent and sensitive enough to be gentle when they touch the parts of you that are scarred.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
physical attraction
Posted: 12/27/2012 3:32:31 AM
I can't find a thing to object to. Literally.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Women and art
Posted: 12/27/2012 3:29:51 AM
I believe that a lot of people (men and women) like to list art as an interest because it puts them in a good light as someone sophisticated, while the truth is they are actually only a very casual/rare viewer at galleries, etc. And their knowledge of art may be limited. It has also been my experience that many people prefer to "experience," art rather than discuss it. An invitation to a gallery rather than a discussion on the history of vase styles might be more welcomed.

Perhaps look for a woman who lists art in her interests, but don't address it with her for a while. If things are working out after a few dates try to find out if she's a long distance appreciator or a real aficionado. They might feel you're putting them on the spot if you're getting detailed.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Could he be interested in me?
Posted: 12/27/2012 3:20:12 AM
I don't text, but I have friends who I communicate with almost every day via e-mail. They are friends, not love interests. If the females were love interests I would have asked them out long ago. It sounds like you've found a really good long distance friend. He's stated right out loud that he doesn't feel love. I believe you have to accept the situation as it stands. If that's too frustrating for you, tell him you're beginning to have feelings for him and if he's not reciprocating that you're not angry but have to slow down the communications in order to protect your emotions. If he has any interest in something deeper that will be the time for him to speak up. If he doesn't, there was never anything there but a friendship.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Is it weird to compliment profiles?
Posted: 12/25/2012 11:46:52 PM
When I get a compliment on my profile and the woman makes it very clear that she's not necessarily expecting a reply I love it. I don't have to worry whether we seen compatible or not or get into deeper territory. I love if she gives me the freedom to take the compliment at face value and simply enjoy it without pressure. Naturally I'll read her profile and who knows.....perhaps a reply is in order. But being complimented without feeling you're being pursued too heavily is very nice.

Conversely, I have written to women privately complimenting something they said in a forum or such. I word it carefully so they know that I am in no way coming on, but truly admiring something she said. I make it very clear that there is no pressure for future communication.

We have to find civilized methods of negotiating the internet so men and women can communication in a civilized fashion with neither feeling pressure or obligation.

But there are definitely some strange people out there.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
happy Holidays
Posted: 12/22/2012 5:09:23 PM
There's a lot of good advice here. As Import From Uk said, doing volunteer work is a wonderful way to help others, get outside your own head and even meet new people. I've been divorced for a long time and don't date. Rather than just be at home if I'm not with friends, I volunteer with a non-kill cat rescue shelter. It gives me a good/loving feeling, I know I'm doing something right and I've met some wonderful people. I'll even be there for part of the 24th and 25th, since I don't have family here as other volunteers do.

Never call an ex when you're lonely. If there's some reason you need to call it should be when you're emotionally at your strongest. I'm blessed to have a great relationship with my ex. She just wrote me to say her boyfriend has moved in and I'm about to congratulate her. But we've had eight years to rebuild a friendship. If you had a bad ending do NOT touch that phone. And drunk dialing is no excuse either.

Have a great holiday!!
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Dating 6 months now, and her gay male friend is moving into her bedroom!
Posted: 12/22/2012 4:58:02 PM
Due to serious financial issues I have been forced to live in a clown car for the past 8 months with twelve women. All of them lesbians, I swear. There is absolutely no touching unless we have our clown noses and costumes on and of course we respect each other as friends only. Yet neither of my wives seem to understand and are both threatening to divorce me (They live in separate states and don't know about each other.)

So, like the poster's g/f I am subject to unfair suspicion. Although I am reminded of a gay guy I know who, while examining the material of a woman's blouse snuck a feel of her breasts. I was shocked when he turned to me and winked. "I'm gay, but I do like titties," he told me. Maybe the gf's friend is gay but occasionally likes to play vagina tag.

Sleepovers like that are for kids, not adults.......of course this may be a troll posting but it is fun.

Hey, why don't you invite him to sleep on your couch instead?

Gotta go. Twelve foot massages takes a long time.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
PIC and PROFILE Review, Pkease :)
Posted: 12/22/2012 2:11:57 PM
I think it looks tons better without the cigarette photo and some of the negative comments. The photos all look classier and more fun now. Good luck!
 
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