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 Author Thread: Struggling with my feelings
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Struggling with my feelings
Posted: 1/15/2010 6:20:43 PM
Dear Rose.

I recently went thru a devastating breakup as well. When the man I was dating for over a year decided to end it, then went out of his way to deliberately hurt me. He knew what it would take to end the relationship. He seemed to truly enjoy being cruel. Then not 2 months later showed up at a social event with a new woman. I was totally shocked that he had "moved on" so quickly.
But one thing I have learned about men is that they can move on very quickly and not look back. Men are genetically wired that way. Once a man has found a new person to make him feel special, then he has no need for you, and he has effectively moved on. It doesn't matter so much WHO that woman is, only that she makes him feel special.
Sad, but true. I read about the men here on POF who profess to have had their hearts broken. I wonder why I have not met one of these sensitive guys!
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 62 (view)
 
what was the final straw that made you not want to be with that person , small or large
Posted: 1/14/2010 6:58:47 AM
Looking back, there were a lot of reasons why I should have ended it. Being with someone for over a year who was very attentive in private, but would barely acknowledge me in public. Dating someone who is totally self-centered and mean and making excuses for the bad behavior, hoping he would change. (I realize now that "grief" does not make a person self centered and mean. These traits are an integral part of their personality and was there all along.. )
The final straw was intentional verbal and emotional abuse. Saying something cruel that had been well planned out in advance just to hurt me. There are some words that cannot be explained or taken back.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 128 (view)
 
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 12/10/2009 10:43:58 AM
One thing I recently learned from dealing with the pain of loss and heartbreak is that I now have to step up and take responsibility for my own happiness.
Happiness, much like sadness, comes from within. There is a choice to be made. Do I want to be sad? No. Would I rather be happy? Absolutely!
Now I need to find the way out of the darkness and forgive. Forgive myself first of all for using such poor judgement. Then hopefully I can find a way to forgive the man who treated me so badly. That will be the hard part :(
Carrying around anger and hate is not healthy. It consumes everything it touches much like a cancer. It needs to be let go so I can make room for more positive things to come into my life.
Getting over the heartbreak is like a 12 step recovery plan. Some days are better than others. One day at a time...
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 121 (view)
 
Easier or harder to experience heartbreak as we get older
Posted: 12/7/2009 6:01:06 PM
It's definitely harder to deal with heartbreak as I get older. Maybe because I thought I would be older and wiser now that this could not possibly happen to me again! It is extremely difficult to pick myself up, put on a happy face and pretend that it doesn't matter anymore. I will never understand how someone can tell you that they love you very much one day, then turn around and say or do something that they know would utterly destroy you the next.
No, it doesn't ever get any easier to have your heart ripped out.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 36 (view)
 
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:07:01 AM
A woman will initiate a breakup more often, primarily because a man has already emotionally "checked out" of a relationship. But the man doesn't want to be the "bad guy" - the one to end the relationship. So a man will withdraw emotionally forcing the woman to be the one to actually end the relationship.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/13/2009 10:15:37 AM
Looks like you are much better off without that man in your life. If he makes you so miserable and angry, just let him go. Life is way too short to be so unhappy.
This man told you not to contact him. Save yourself the grief and remorse and do not contact him again. Nothing positive would come from continuing the current dialogue. It would only make you feel worse.
Delete his phone numbers and email address so you will not have a weak moment and make that call or send that email that you might regret later. This is the only way you can move forward with your self esteem intact.
I know how hard it is to let go when you care about him, but you need to do what is best for YOU.
Like others have said, find someone who fits your schedule and can better accomodate your relationship needs.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Why do Men Lead Women On?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:51:53 PM
Why do men lead women on? Because they can.
Mostly because we let them. (Just to be fair: It is not gender specific, it works both ways.)
Trust your gut instinct and don't just see what you *want* to see. When you can remove yourself from the pain and emotional rollercoaster you are on when things go seriously wrong in a relationship, you probably will see that the Red Flags were there all along. Hindsight is 20/20.
It's a hard lesson to learn, but do NOT be a doormat. If someone disrespects you by lying, cheating, or being deceitful, move on and do not look back. They will not respect you any more if you are wearing a "Welcome" sign on your forehead.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is it just me
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:09:32 PM
Meeting someone who is on a dating site, you have to figure that YOU are not the only fishie he is chatting up. Same goes for you. You could have several guys chatting with you too. Keep your options open. I would just keep things casual at first, get to know each other, then see how it goes from there.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 257 (view)
 
Should men color the gray
Posted: 8/19/2009 7:02:20 PM
Whatever makes you happy about your appearance. I'd say go for a natural look because guys are sexy with some gray!
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 177 (view)
 
Does Anyone Else Worry About Growing Old Alone?
Posted: 8/19/2009 6:56:14 PM
There are no guarantees in life. Just be happy to have each day and take life as it comes.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 233 (view)
 
Is it a compliment to be contacted by a younger man?
Posted: 8/19/2009 6:49:35 PM
Age is only a number....
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:58:44 PM
I honor your opinion Chameleonf, you make several good points. But "might" or "might not" is very different than "not ever". I am only looking at having an option (- or not -) considering BOTH people's opinions at a more appropriate time. Completely ruling something as NOT even a remote possibility, is leaving no other option on the table.

Seriously, I have no problem with being single. At 52, I have never been married. Yes, I have had several offers, but it wasn't the right person at the right time. Hey, at least I knew that the man loved me enough to want to make that commitment... That is all I am asking for.
For a man to tell me that I am not worthy of even being considered down the road, well it is a real slap in the face. I would not date someone for any extended period of time if I didn't think there was a possibility of a future. But maybe that's just me.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 1:01:36 PM
He specifically said he did not ever want to marry me. I would not want to marry him right now either. The relationship is not at that stage, and may never be, but I want to know that a man loves me enough that he is open and willing to make a more permanent commitment. Key words here are "open and willing"!
That being said, no, I would not want to get married just for the sake of being married. And I am way past the age of having kids, so that's not even an issue...

Even those nay sayers who swear they would never get married again, don't you think if the right person came along, they might just change their mind?
(Example for the guys: Maybe Tim McGraw and Faith Hill get divorced, and Faith Hill says she cannot live with out you... Just kidding, but never say never!)
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:43:00 AM
I don't want anyone to think I have marriage as an end goal. Not so. I do think it's wrong to be closed minded about possibilities tho.
All of you who say you would never want to get "married again" have obviously done it at least once. Maybe it ended badly. That just means you weren't with the right one the first time around. And it doesn't mean you should run out and marry the next one who would have you either Just be open to possibilities
That is all.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 10:11:50 AM
Well, I did take the statement that he would never marry me as a slap in the face, but I do appreciate the up front honesty... And I am not sure *IF* I ever want to get married, but I still want to have the option on the table.
A little more background here: the guy has been a widower for about 1-1/2 years. When we first started dating, he did have the wife pictures all over the house. I had never dated a widower before, so I didn't know what to expect or even what would be considered part of the normal grieving process. He was relentless in his pursuit of me and assured me that he was ready to move on. I think that he wants to move on, but in reality, he is not ready or able to do so.
Maybe I am at a crossroad here in the relationship. Apparently it's time I look out for my best interests and get on with my life.
Anyway, thanks for all the different responses and your insights. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees and have to look at things in a different way.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
dead-end relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 9:16:26 AM
I have been dating this one guy for over a year now. He's a fairly recent widower, no kids, basically a great guy, but over the past weekend he told me that he did not ever want to marry me. Obviously he had his Once in a Lifetime love already, and does not want to commit to anyone else. So my issue with this situation is that I have never been married. I don't feel a big need to be married right now, but I wouldn't want to rule it out sometime down the road. What he is telling me is that dating him is basically a Dead End Job with no opportunity for advancement. Should this be a deal breaker?
How would you deal with it if someone you were dating tells you they love you very much, but doesn't ever want to marry you?
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/14/2009 11:27:26 AM
My experience is that if a widower is still not thru properly grieving and is not ready to move forward, all the compassion and understanding in the world will not make him fall in love with you. What you may end up with is a nice man who is capable of FWB status, but no emotional involvment. Down the road, if you fall in love with him, you will end up with a broken heart.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:42:56 AM
I *somewhat* disagree with you, Pazoozoo. The main difference I see between a divorced man and a widower is that a divorced man is more likely to have worked thru the issues because they saw the marriage coming to an end. They generally don't idolize the ex wife. Plus there is no guilt when they finally decide it's time to venture back into the gene pool!
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/11/2009 10:01:32 AM
As far as dating a widower, I personally would not do it again. I thought it would be much preferred to dating a divorced man. (Not that divorced men are bad people, but there will always be an ex wife out there somewhere.)
Seriously, back to topic. My thoughts on dating a widower: here is a man who truly loved his wife. He had no bitter feelings toward the most important person in his life. How bad could that be? It is true what some have said, that the fact that he so loved his wife, shows that he is capable of feeling great love. However, that great love was felt and given to someone else. It does not necessarily mean he can feel and give love to someone new. So dating a widow/widower is not for everyone.
 msmitzi
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Competing with a dead spouse.
Posted: 6/8/2009 12:28:10 PM
Zephyr,
Let me speak from my very recent experience. I was dating a widower for the past 10+ months. Background story: He was married for 29 years. The wife passed away and only 2 months later he started dating me. Now please realize that I am single, with no kids, so I am relatively "baggage free". I have usually dated divorced men, so I dealt with men who mostly hated their ex's. I truly did not know what to expect from dating a widower.
First of all, it takes a special person to put aside their own needs and wants in order to help someone thru the grieving process. It is extremely difficult to be the "First One" after the death of a spouse. You must be selfless and supportive to a fault. (I have a hard time taking a backseat to anyone, so apparently I was not such a good candidate.) The deceased spouse will, more often than not, be placed upon a pedestal and immortalized as a saint. If you see the house where they lived has become a shrine to the deceased spouse, then maybe you should pass on this. No matter how bad things might have been in reality, you cannot compete with the memory of the deceased.
The surviving spouse had a marriage come to an end that was not of their choosing. This is different from a divorce where there were most likely hard feelings involved.
There may be guilt issues to deal with. It is up to the widow/widower to come to terms with their new life situation and decide to join the ranks of the living again. You cannot do this for them.
If you have any doubts that you can deal with these things, then you are not the right person for this situation. Each of us has the right to live our own lives as happy, well-balanced individuals. It took me a long time to realize that my life is as important to me NOW, as his marriage was to him THEN. (I hope that makes sense...)
There is no shame in saying "No thanks" and moving on.
 
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