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 Author Thread: Can somebody translate this for me?
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Can somebody translate this for me?
Posted: 12/31/2010 6:17:12 PM
I unfortunately did what you did and in an instance like yours overreacted to my ex when he was suddenly backing off on something we did a lot, and for us it was intimacy in text form due to it being a ldr. He told me he wanted to be more romantic with me and less graphic and it was the middle of the night (as he worked graveyard and was only really awake during those times) and I half asleep as usual, misread it as a rejection,w hich then made me scared as it was all we really had except when I flew up there to see him. He was saying weird things about how he wasn't sure if I should stay with him when I came up due to "expectations" and how I was reading his texts all wrong, which let's face it, with texts that happens a lot. In my case, I was hurt but told him I would stay with friends if that worked better, and next he lit into me big time telling me he was gonna say "f(&k it, I'm done" that night cuz he was so mad at me. A day or so later, he dumped me, so I still somewhat blame myself as I shouldn't have overreacted though his reaction of anger and rage didn't really help on his end. I still am not sure what happened but like you, our relatoinship started with overt sexual flirting and texting and it really was mostly about physical stuff, so I actually would have agreed with him had he called me and told me that he wanted to take it down a tone and be more respectful and and get to know each other. I had even told him that when he called to yell at me, bu started to calm down when I said I was very sorry and I was only trying to make sure he was happy too, if he didn't want me at his place. Yours sounds so much better than mine, as he is willing to talk and not take misunderstandings as just that, plus a key is a big thing too. From now on, if a guy needs space and time, i will give it with all my heart and undetsanding but if he is mean or angry with me, I won't stick around either. Nobody's perfect! But I would give this guy a chnce. Life isn't just sex.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Impatient men! Calm down a bit for better dating success. 1 woman`s view.
Posted: 12/30/2010 4:17:46 PM
I can relate to some of that as a woman who has been here since the beginning of time.lol (I just love these forums too much!) but I also agree that it's on both sides, male and femle, just shown differently. I have had one even say they hope I die just like my mom did because I wouldn't go to a secluded cabin wth them when I had only met them once before.lol Yeah, um, I'll want to go anywhere with you, NOT! But I also think this doesn't speak for everyone, some types just vent their frustrations in very negative ways, or have this sense of entitlement that society has put on all of us. That we HAVE to be in a relationship to not only be happy,b ut be counted as part of the bigger picture. I still dont' get that.

I am not feeling particularly down about my lot in life (well, ok, I was recently dumped by someone I was in love with, so recently a bit down, but usually I am pretty happy with the life I have led and what I have got to do with it) I figure my life is a journey, and someone can join me or not join me. Perhaps they have their own journey they would like to try out and see what amazing things they can accomplish. (one of the pitfalls of being a true individualist is this way of thinking doesn't win over fans int he long term relatoiship department) But I will tell guys when you come on too strong it is the reason you don't hear any responses. I prefer you tell me why you wrote me. I do give a lot in my porifle for you to choose from and then tell me why you love yourself.

Yes, you heard me right, too many people on here dont and that's why they are so frustrated and angry. But if you have something in your life you are very proud of, then you have confidence in everything in life, because you succeeded in that, even if you only did the trying, because the succcess is in the trying. Heck, I didn't know I would be the President of a business club and win three awards at a competition last year when I never really took any business classes! So, there is something for everyone. I guess that's why we as both genders fail so much in relationships, because we don't do any of the relating, myself included. An important lesson to learn!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 61 (view)
 
People that shut down
Posted: 12/30/2010 2:14:40 PM
well, if that was aimed at me, I did stop asking why after about a week of having the phone slammed in my ear and basically very cruel behaviour that no one could including myself figure out why it was being aimed at me. I also have been working on things I know I didn't do right or how I didn't bring enough to the table, example grief counseling is needed for me as I lost all one side of my family to cancer, and dealing with my diabetes and health issues. None of these were ever withheld as who I was to that other person, nor was the distance which that person pursued me to no end to be with him and he didn't see anything else as a possibility, even when I told him I have a lot wrong with me and I might not be to his liking. What strikes me as odd is that instantly we are needy or clingy for just wanting to know we got someone to lean on to when we are going through things. Trust me, I don't chase people, if they dont' want me around, I'm gone, but when they do a whole bunch of pursuing, saying that they dont' care about all you rproblems they will be with you no matter what, and yada yada yada, then split when they get a hair out of place, that's different than me getting on their nerves. At this point, I may be shut down for anyone else in the future! The irony! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 59 (view)
 
People that shut down
Posted: 12/30/2010 11:48:41 AM
oy, and sorry for all the run-on sentences! LOL But I would love to hear more on this topic from those who maybe had more of this experience of shutting down? (versus the not getting too close inthe first place, not letting someone in)
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 58 (view)
 
People that shut down
Posted: 12/30/2010 11:45:42 AM
This was a very good topic thread as this just happened to me two months ago with my ldr partner, who I was going to marry and then he had a huge shut down and wants me to never speak with him again. I think what is a lesson for me is I should have listened to his clues. Past relationships aren't always in the past and he said he would often shut down when there was too much stress or he said himself he will "push people away" half to keep himself alone forever, because he then said to me, "I'm just meant to be single." In talking about ex's, he would also say things that were weird to me like, "she still wants me back, but I push her away, cuz I don't want her" so there is some truth to the idea that sometimes people shut down or push people away to maybe exact some kind of revenge for past hurts, so if you do one thing that reminds them of someone else who did hurt them, you are no different than them. And try explainging yourself when they take that hurt from texts and won't even give you a chance to call them on the phone and no matter how many sorryt's you do, they are still holding it against you?

It's hard, because on the one hand, I agree tat's a serious jerk thing to do, but also it stems from somewhere in the coping skills and like someone said, we all have issues, and I wasn't the best at communicating what I meant sometimes either, so it's been a lesson for me in that even though he was very much the one that wanted the big commitment from me and very open, he was also in that highly sensitive bracket where if I didn't fit the ideal, it was time to banish me to the corner and pay my dues. I really do love him, but not sure how you can get a person lik ethat to come around without them wanting to change some part of their thinking that keeps them feeling everyone is out to get them, and they are better off alone.
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Confused about my Girlfriend
Posted: 12/25/2010 7:06:09 PM
TechGuy, I went through the same thing. 8 Months, went too fast, going to get married, made plane trips, met family and his daughter, the whole nine yeards, then out of nowhere the famous "I don't know." I agree 100 percent with what was said that certain people just end up doing this, they are hot and cold and I am a giver type so I didn't realize the good words being thrown my way were just that, words. Always look for what they do, not what they say, and if they give you the cold shoulder or sieltn treatment, yes, time to just focus on you. You, my friend, like me, have shown your cards and the kind of cool person that you are. There is nothing more for you to do, time ro appreciate yourself and if they don't come back, we know who is the real loser. Much love to you and Merry Xmas!
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Another one bites the dust due to texting ...
Posted: 12/23/2010 6:09:23 PM
and so sorry for all those spelling gaffes, i have diabetic retinopathy pretty bad, so my sight is shot, so that's another reason to not text! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Another one bites the dust due to texting ...
Posted: 12/23/2010 6:07:14 PM
I see both sides of this one. I just spent almost a year in basically a texting ldr. It started on facebook kicked into high gear when he bought a ton of minutes for my phone ( have the dreaded tracfone, so I just dont' make phone calls, so I do allow for a lot more texting with people as I don't have the money for the other), but it did turn the whole relatoinship into a texting one and two months ago he dumped me by text! LOL I will never go through that again. There has to be godo moderation and I am still a fan of texting when you cna't call or see the person, but it enlightened me that you can't have a full-on (and I was gonna marry the guy) relationship through technological communcation only, and it makes for lots of misunderstandings. (now mind you,I did fly up to see him and we did have phone calls when we could afford it), but if the people decides to judge you soely on your text style and your online commnication, well, you're headed for a rough road, because it's just not the same as face to face. In the future, i will let the person know I don't want to get into any serious discussions or fights via text, sooooo not wroth it, after all is said and done.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 95 (view)
 
Is my relationship with a married man inappropriate?
Posted: 12/20/2010 7:55:53 PM
wonder how many people that have gotten on this persons' case (and I do agree this will be nothing but hurt for her and not worth it tho) are actually fans of the whole Brand/Angelina thing??? LOL I guess it's ok as long as you are gorgeous and famous!!!

I hope you are all team Jen then! Harrumph!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Dumped him but still miss him ..
Posted: 12/11/2010 6:24:53 PM
walking on eggshells, dr. jekyl, mr. hyde, I hate to be a broken record in the forums, but from what I just experienced with my eight-month courtship that ended out of nowhere and he became the meanest, angriest person ever does make me wantto share this with you. Look up bipolar, read about it, go to the support forums, realize some peple have signed up for a lifetime of this. You are nos spared that particular kind of hell. I am friends with someone who is married to someone for 15 years now who has it and it's a tough ride, and can be ok if they take their meds, but if not, watch out. Mine had road rage, apparently when drinking, could hit walls, all kinds of stuff I found out later. Since I was in an LDR with the person, I didn't know any of this, but they will give you the hints, you just have to be paying attention. I am not saying you can't be with these peopel, I loved mine to bits, but you will always bein this position of not knowing how to expect and what mood they will be in. If you really miss this person in particular, who they were to you and love them, get them help and be there for them as a friend first, but if you just miss how handy they were to have around, go for someone else. And it's never easy, two months later, no contact and I was dumped and I still feel sad especialy with the holidays. So, I hear you. Big hugs!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Asking a girl why she rejected you (when things were going well for
Posted: 12/8/2010 7:06:21 PM
It happened to me OP and it was for eight months and he had asked me to marry him, I had met and bonded with his daughter and his family and yes it was an LDR but I flew up there three times and I hate planes! LOL And then out of nowhere here comes the "I just don't know how I feel anymore." I ended up in the hospital (made my diabetes go out of whack as I didn't eat or sleep after that happened for a full day) and then once I was better I did the emails like yours (first I was zen, then I was mad cuz he was doing the silent treatment, then I was zen again, oh it went on and on.lol) But he was angry because I hadn't moved up there already and in looking back, even though he knew since he asked me to marry hin, I thought it was only fair he come down and meet my family too, he rally wasn't ready for such a commtment. He was living in the fantasy of it and so was I. So, it happens to us all OP. We take things too fast and we don't think it through and then because of how fast it started, it will most likely end the same way.

Sending that letter may help you feel you can get some understanding from that person, but I agree that the reasons they have may not actually give you well not closure, but more of a feeling that you did give your best to make a connection with someone. I finally realized I was too insecure, had a lot of recent things in the last few years that contributed to how I felt about myself and a relationship - the loss of my mother, my health, etc and what I did end up doing was sending him a hand written letter (I know, really old school! LOL) and explained how I was wrong to go into something that fast without thinking first about working on myself which Iam now doing and taking my time to love the one person that trul matters - me. He didn't respond to that letter and it's been two months since he told me never to talk to him again, but I am really learning to smile even more because I do cherish the memories we had for what they were, for how I felt at the time, and I have no ill will or harbor any need to know why. You are a great person. I am a great person, we have to just believe that in ourselves. =)

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 1193 (view)
 
Why Do women dump men who are nice to them.
Posted: 12/5/2010 2:58:59 PM
Well, I fell in love with "lonely guy" parading as "mr. reformed nice guy" who was really the "bad boy" and I was the "insecure nice girl" and that took eight months before he became his true self with a touch of "mr. mean guy" that then made me wonder if I had actually become "ms. ****" like all the exes he said were to him, so in a way, the labels were the undoing! If only we could have both been ourselves! LOL Of course, that's so much harder in this world.

I agree on the attraction thing. The problem is if you come off being someone that isn't you, that's not good and being nice is an action not a personality trait. You aren't nice 24/7. Look in the morrir and realize when you are a meanie, ****, insecure, whatever. Being nice is a chance to show someone that you really care in whatever way, but if you don't even know the preson yet, it's gonn feel weird. Like what did I do to deserve this? Also, if the person wasn't sure if there was any attraction yet, that isn't going to help matters any. It's kinda like buying someone's love, and trust me, I have been guilty of this too. yes, a woman. I have bought more flowers and cards and gifts for guys than you can imagine. I imagine I weirded some great guys out too! So yeah, hold off on that stuff, and don't keep checking in as to wehter what you did had an impact. This isn't one of those "kiss begins with Kay jewelers" commercials. Kow that you are already sounding trumpets in your head for whateever great thing you think you did, but the other person may just find it creepy. Give your gifts/time/good nature and do it with a true intent then walk away and do the next good thing for someone in your community, at your job, etc. Do nice things cuz you like doing them. It will then be something YOU enjoy, not to get some accolate (in this case, the person your targeting) but because it feels great to be a positive person (I like that better than nice, I'm gonna use it.lol)

So, yeah, no more forcing yourself on others, that's the main thing. Don't try to be someone you're not. If you are a bad boy, and want to be good, change for YOU. If you are to nice, but want to be appreciatted, appreciate YOURSELF and keep doing good things where it is needed and appreciated. (getting into some form of volunteer work is an amazing and much needed way to do this) Let people see your nice actions but also all of you, good and bad. If the end goal is to show soeone who you really are, this is the only way. And a nice girl is currently learning this now! Me! LOL

M

And sorry for any typos, got some bad eye problems, but really enjoyed this thread!
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Ode to the Nice Girls
Posted: 11/22/2010 7:56:56 PM
this is an interesting thread, as I have often been accused of being too "nice" to people, boyfriends, etc. It is easy to get tired of doing it, but I feel it's more me than being someone I'm not, or would have a hard time holding up the illusion of. And besides, the person has to like me for me so no point putting on a mask! Nice people rule!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Second opinion
Posted: 11/15/2010 10:30:09 PM
God, that sounds exactly like mine. I did a little research on bipolar, and I encourage you to check it out, because the sudden change in attitude to no contact is what they do, it's a classic symptom as well as anger and mood swings. He may not even realize what he is doing and they truly have spells and come out of it like nothing happened. I have a lifelong female friend who didn't talk to me for a year and was totally angry about things (not with me, but she just closed up in side herself) A year later, it's like nothing happened. it's really weird, but this happens to a lot of people, more than I realized. Either way, it's not an easy way to live, and always wondering what you have done wrong and walking on eggshells and the whole thing.

If you ever want to talk, email me on here. =)
M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 35 (view)
 
anyone ever had a break up cos of WOW/conventions?
Posted: 11/15/2010 6:09:33 PM
Wow, no pun intended, this really opened my eyes. My recent ex was into this game, and some new one that he was starting to play, and him and his brother would play it quite a bit, and I think the addictive thing is pretty spot on and the gambling comparison does seem right, as this has monetary rewards and does give you that rush that you get when gambling. I like the 2cent machines myself, less investment.lol

I have never gotten into video games, I do like pinball, because of all the lights and more to do with being with real people outside and enjoying a night out and games might be part of it. I love being around people, good or bad, so I guess since my addiciton is people and a social life (I hit festivals regularly in my life, concerts were my addiction, that can be expensive too! and anything where people congregate is what I love) so I think it's definitely not marketed to me. The minute I am sitting there for too long, I get the itch to what the hell am I doing here at home, something exciting is happening out there and I am missing it!

But I know many friends who have met their SO through these forums or live their lives through this and/or other games, so again, thank you for your insight. I was also never into fantasy stuff. If I do, I get more into sci-fi a little bit or end of the world movies, cause it's bbased on reality. I think I have a hard time with fantasy.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Hindsight
Posted: 11/15/2010 5:21:16 PM
great, great thread. I am going through something similar right now and these replies work for me too. I am hoping you are getting stronger everyday as I am. We don't need this kind of drama in our lives!
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Any other ladies over 30 never been married or engaged
Posted: 11/15/2010 4:44:03 PM
Gonna be 38 in a week and never been married, engaged or have any kids, so yes, I am in the same boat with all of you! I look back on my early times and two different cultures upbringing had something to do with being forbidden to date or meet people until my mom got a divorce from my dad, then I was still very socially awkward because of it. I think that case of arrested development meant I was a good 10 years behind everyone and I didn't start really dating till mid to late 20's due to it.

At that point, I was in my "fun" stage and even though I wanted something serious, I gave off that vibe most surely and men looking for someone serious, wouldnt have thought of me. I also seemed to attract a lot of guys ten years younger than me when I was in my early 30's because of that 10 year gap I had.

This last year I finally had someone my age ask me to marry him, and I was so shocked I said yes, first timem anyone ever asked me.lol But it didn't work out and I am once again single. I tend to people please too much and men don't take that seriously either. Wonder what is wrong with someone that is only to happy to do everything for ou all the time, the old "nice guys finaish last" mentality. But it's often true.

I have enjoyed my life fully. I traveled, went to concerts, events, have loads of friends, and have done some really amazing things with my life, indlucind my education and volunteer work. I don't really feel sad if I miss out on marriage, just if I miss out on someone who I love and they don't feel the same, I love people, not titles. So, yeah, until I feel that wonderful feeling again, it's just three people in my life, me, myself, and I! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 11/15/2010 11:32:01 AM
Thank you so much, both of you. Yes, his mania that was so aggressive towards me in terms of how "sure" he was that it was going to work, and he would do anything to have me in his life, was so hard to resist and I was feeling so lonely here in this town anyway and want to move back to my home where he is, that I guess any red flags wouldn't have mattered to me. I wanted to be home and with a man that loved me and a daughter I could help raise, it was like the fantasy life, and I never thought he would change his mind, but then again, I didn't realize it was the mania talking and also that if he is unwell, he will most likely not be able to livve out his promises. He ever made promises and said he prayed to my mom who is passed away, which to me a sane person would not do. But like I said, I was not aware of his illness.

I read a great deal, went on all the forums, saw that the things he was with me, hypersexual, the spending and money that he would alwyas say he had so much of then couldn't pay bills, the sleeping problems, the headaches, all that stuff. Well, I attributed the hypersexual to the distance and the hsleep and headaches to his graveyard job, it all made sense cause I had something to connect to it. But now I see all that stuff are symptoms of this illness plus so many other things like the hot/cold which I probably would have seen sooner had I been up there. I think the long distance is actually what made it go on much longer, because I wasn't able to see the anger/mood swings and more day to day.

I am so sorry for what happened to you with your SO and yes, it's likely he was cheating from day one as with the hypersexuality he had, I can't imageine he would have been content with the few trips I made up there when I could afford it. He did help financially with some of those trips, but while he at first was going to come see me and my family, he id keep putting it off after a while, citing how he would have to take his daughter and that would cost more money.

When I told his mom, she seemed honestly to not know anything about it, and they have only been closer with each other in the last few years. He told me he didn't get along with his mother at all, and I think there were some pretty bad fights. She is very kind and nice with me, checking up on me and everything, but I think in his childhood in which he said his father left him at a young age, he didn't form any good bonds with his mom so as a result, any relationships with women he will always be distrusting or carry all this baggag with him.

I am definitely sad at losing the man I fell in love with, but then again, I am still not sure who that person was, so for now, it's more important to work on me, and focus on me, and why a man hasn't come down here to walk through my door once in the over two years I have been here. That's telling and I need to make myself a better me before I can have that special feeling in my life again. Thank you!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 11/12/2010 9:57:18 PM
as to why I haven't been proposed to more, well, the early part of my life I was very very shy due to my abusive father and the afghan culture having beared down on me, so I didn't come out of my shell till my late 20's. By that time, I was finally doing the dating I should have done in high school, so I guess you could say a case of arrested development from two cultures (mom was american, dad afghan) and living in a culture in which you have to date, not wait for an arrangement to be made.

The other? Welll, that's a good question. Maybe because I was so late to start the high school type dating, I came off as immature. I didn't seem like the type that would settle down or want to. I wanted to go out and do fun stuff more, and then my diabetes probably scared quite a few away, as in when is she gonna die. I don't want ot be a part of that. Many men want healthy women. Looks are only the surface, please don't assume that I suck as a person just because of my looks, as it's often other factors that made these guys walk away, or they were also looking to have fun. But I will do some thinking on your observations. All good points!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 11/12/2010 9:48:27 PM
I just want to give an update on this. He's still not in my life, but I realized what had happened, and it's that he's bipolar, and I was not aware of it at all or what it's about. I am just sad now because he is unmedicated and he has been moody to everyone, not just me. So, it's sonething I been researching and trying to be more aware of if he ever lets me talk to him again, so I can be there and a concerned friend. I took that trip to Seattle anyway as it is my home and had a wonderful time with my friends and took pics and video and everything. I will get stronger, but it's definitely been a learning experience for me! Thank you all!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 190 (view)
 
Is there a good reason not to date someone who is bipolar?
Posted: 11/4/2010 6:05:19 PM
Thank you so much for this forum! I was dumped early in October by someone I was seeing for 8 months as a long distance relatioship but I was making plane trips three times to see him. In the beginning he was sooo affectionate with me, even over text, was saying the L word in less than a onth, and asked me to marry him when I first met him a month later! We went to high school together so I was really excited and obviously ignored the signs of moodiness and attributed it to the distance, then in early october he just turned into someone else completely and dumped me. I eneded up in hospital (I was on a school trip to LA) and when I got back home, he was very mean to me, saying "we are done" slamming the phone in my ear, and saying never to contact him agai, and no reason was given.

I had a trip a few weeks later to see him and he didn't want me to even visit him, hurting me greatly. I still visited my friends in the are for those whole 10 days and I was going that long to celebrate his daughter's birthday and take her out. I asked everyone what I might have done, what went wrong, etc, and one of my friends had bipolar but was on meds and once she said some stuff, I checked out the sites the other night and wow, all the stuff fit. The hypersexuality, the drinking, controlling, moody, the problems with money. I know veyr little about this disease but am learning more now. He never mentioned it at all, but has lots of headaches and sleep problems (works graveyard shifts) and won't take any pills, even a Tylenol. I am so thankful for this forum, people's thoughts are really helping me not blame myself and realize I didn't do anything wrong. I am diabetic and it knocked me and my illness down so yeah, I love him very much but if he is unwilling to at least go to a doc and see what makes him so moody (in case it is not bipolar) there is nothing I can do.
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 10/17/2010 8:18:07 PM
most likely he felt I didn't care for him enough by having moved up there by now or seemed more like I was gonna do it, just drop school I am currently in (we had agreed for me to finish up and then do the moving with money saved and him also meeting my family) but maybe he just coudln't take it anymore and with fights over that more lately, he just had enough of it altogether and since he has anger issues, he is taking that then out on me by being mean when I was pleading with him, I guess some had told me that people can use anger as a shield to hide their hurt feelings. It is not how I do things but we are all different.

I hope he will come around at least to talk to me and get things out in the open, but I am not waiting on that hope. I took responsibility for my actions and I am now free to be who I am again! =)

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 10/17/2010 8:04:04 PM
It's been a really rough week, and not a word out of him, though his mom was giving me updates and saying he's hurting too but not ready to talk about it, I needed to stop staying in touch because I also talked with his daughter when his mom put her on the phone and it was just too heartbreaking knowing I was forbidden to see her, so I finally wrote him an email today where I apologized for the fight we had and the hurtful things I had said that would have made him upset enough to take this trip away from us. I did it in a way where I truly empathized and figured on how he might feel about things and it was very freeing. I now feel the weight I needed lifted from my shoulder. He has not responded at all to anything I have said, but at least I know I said what I needed to free myself from eternal guilt and the why's. All of you really helped me too, my friends helped me, and I am still going on this trip and seeing my friends and enjoying my friend's wedding. Iknew I could do it! =)

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 10/13/2010 10:33:28 PM
I have been so lucky to get the good advice from you all here and my friends who are here helping me be strong, on the phone, online and in person, they are even throging me a makeover party this Saturday! I am so blessed as I said and the first thing I am doing is going to get some school counseling because I truly believe it is time for me to stand up for myself and you all have helped me see the light on this!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 10/13/2010 12:11:41 PM
OMG, thank you all so much for your responses! I know sometimes you all probably feel like a borken record telling us this, but when our hearts are broken, it really does feel like it's only happening to "us". After one more sleepless night, and reliving all the good times, I realized I was once again blaming myself and this time for something I have no idea what it is! I fall in the perfect category for someone to pretty much do what he did, control the situation and leave me no answers, because I am a doormat most of the time. I feel a great burden lifted and I know I can now not talk to him at my choice. It will always be hard wondering what if, but if he is this mean to me now, what if is more like what if I got married to him? That's not a life I want to have. I have an Afghan side of my family which is super strict, and I have some control/abuse issues with my father who I live with, so that's the reason moving is more of a situation where I would need to get people to help me, but it's true, I need to focus on me and my health and what I really want ouf out life. Thank you all again!

Mariam
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 10/12/2010 10:32:02 PM
thank you. Its hard to take that step into love and maybe I glossed over a lot of things because it did finally feel it was right, but the only way to learn is to go through something like this and see if that person is still there when the going gets tough. He wasn't and I think that is very telling. Thank you for your advice!
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Long Distance Loss
Posted: 10/12/2010 10:16:31 PM
I'm still very heartbroken so bear with me on this. I was seeing someone since late January and fell very deeply in love. He lives in Seattle, and I live in Sacramento. We both knew of this difficulty and were working on doing something about it (moving me up there as I really want to be up there anyway), but knew with money issues and other challenges (my dad's culture being one) we would have to work with those. Still, he did ask me to marry him (first guy to ever do that in all my life!) Well, the months went on, and I have made three plane trips to see him, all which made me very happy. I had another one planned for less than a week from now.

I went on a school trip this last weekend and literally the day before the trip he was still very lovey dovey but the night I got to LA he started texting me all about how he can't handle the distance anymore and in a short phone call dumped me! I was so devastated I got sick (I'm diabetic) and went to the hospital when i should have been enjoying my trip. Now he wants to be single and won't even talk to me, and is angrier than ever at me. Even though I had told him if he makes just one trip down here to Sac to meet my dad and family, I would have no problem with moving and starting a new life, I really loved this man and it hurts like hell. Anyone know what this means or the best advice? I got the just leave him alone advice, which sounds like some very good advice at this point.lol All your help is greatly appreciated.

Oh, I did talk with his mom a bit (the whole family really loved me and his daughter does too) and she said he has anger issues and has never gone for help for that, so that may be a factor too. Thank you all! Sigh...
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 84 (view)
 
does every straight/bi woman think brad pitt is hot?
Posted: 7/11/2010 5:10:24 PM
Nice to see so many that agree with me! I have never liked the guy, but after what he did Jen, my main reply to anything about him is, "He better not meet me in a dark alley". He sux just for that reason alone. Both him and Angelina make me see red.lol

As for cuties, hmmm, I like Tobey Maquire, Johnny Depp, Topher Grace, Bradley Cooper, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett (my Arrested Development guys) and a whole host of more musicians than actors, but yeah, Brad is a big NOOOOOO.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 282 (view)
 
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 3/2/2010 10:15:48 PM
"Moral of the story is, due to lack of suitable companions, if man is single at 30, he never was able to find a good women. Thats where I fall into. If a women is single at 30, she needs to change something about herself, if possible......"

OMG, that statement gave me the biggest laugh of the night. I'm 37 and I am pretty sure I got it more together than most people out there. Single or not single really isn't a judge of character.

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 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 51 (view)
 
The email Test women are using
Posted: 2/12/2010 3:11:26 PM
so we're testing people now too? Ugh, another thing that gives women a bad name.

To me, one month is not enough time to really decide if you like the person, enough to like their body parts, but not much else. During that time, whatever exclusivity is, it shouldn't even be discussed, and anyone who "tests" me is out of there, plus in all my years of dating (and that's a lot of years), I've never done anything like that. That's just ewwww. Talk about insecure. I'm not desperate. If a guy doesn't want to be with me, that's fine by me, but I'm not going to catch him up on what should be his business. When we've known each other long enogh to make a big decision and not out of lust,but a true compatibility, no tests will be needed. Because we've stood the test of time.lol

But yeah, OP, that's a big red flag to me, and don't say exclusive that quickly.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 90 (view)
 
what was the final straw that made you not want to be with that person , small or large
Posted: 1/18/2010 3:59:30 PM
most men dumped me or disappeared so I don't really have anything to offer cuz I never got the chance to dump anyone, but then they weren't really real relationships, rather just long stints of dating and they were more often than not young guys around 23.rofl Guess I've been lucky when I read what everyone one on here has been through. Eeek!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Your dating theme song?
Posted: 1/11/2010 11:34:04 PM
"Other guys who'll have me they'll appreciate my love, tell me, how does it feel?
Now you're like the rest, unworthy of my best, hastalavista baby!"

LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
A Fanatics Toll on a Relationship
Posted: 1/8/2010 10:46:42 PM
I've had guys worry about that because I am a HUGE Madonna fan, since I was 12 years old and have web sites and fun fan things I do once in a while. Plus, when she's in town, or I have to go travel to see her, and spend money on her concerts, which is like for most of you, the equivalent to Disneyland, some see it as a bit much. But I really don't have a preference that they like her, be into her music or anything, a lot of times they are asking me to show them her concerts on dvd, etc, because I never volunteer that stuff. I mean, most people know who she is.lol But I can understand the worry, for me I have it pretty much to where I enjoy it, it's my hobby to get together with other fans and go to the shows, or talk in the forums, etc, etc. I don't need to include anyone else in it, and think that is definitely crossing the line. However, if they are curious to find out more about your passion or hobby, that's totally cool! But it's not my whole life, although sometimes shopping takes over my life...rofl...just kidding

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 98 (view)
 
Question for the ladies about texting
Posted: 1/7/2010 5:22:07 PM
Well, for me I am on the cheap tracfone, which much like my cheap dial-up connection is what I can afford. People on here need to realize some of us are paying .30 per text which is .60 for two texts, a usual question/answer, but if you actually call someone, your minutes are rounded up and there before you know it, another 20.00 in the drain if I have to talk to you.ROFL So, for reasons other than my phone manner or whether I am hiding something is why I prefer to text, I like to keep my money for food, school books, etc, each month and even at texting, which I do a lot, a 240 minute card can go down quite fast, it's not at 89 mins or so, blah. I do the best I can, but communication is costly.lol

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Telling a female friend to back off (I'm taken)
Posted: 12/26/2009 11:39:28 PM
geez, people are way too jealous. This is why once people get in relationships, it's like their whole world ceases to exist outside that significant or whatever other. I'm gonna have friends, they are not always going to be of the same sex and I am going to develop good friend relationships over my life, and not worry if someone gets their wing wang in a tizzy over it. It's just life! ROFL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Am I being oversensitive here?
Posted: 12/23/2009 3:49:27 PM
OMG, he was flirting! Sheesh, that's not to hard to figure out, and hon freaks you out??? Good thing you don't get some of the texts and emails that I get then! ROFL

I love endearments, especially from strangers cause I know they are meant in fun, it's the ones from my stalkers that freak me out! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Creepy
Posted: 11/15/2009 7:07:04 PM
I've heard "shall we go in" several times in my dating life, never thought it was creepy before. People get nervous. When I think of some of the downright dorky things I say on dates, I'm surprised the guy doesn't walk right there.lol Naaah, but yeah, make the first meet pretty easy on both ends, and remember the goal is to have fun and get to know someone. Don't put so much stock into a love connection off of photos and words, the real person is a much better indicator. =)

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Deleting past relationships, any regrets?
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:19:21 PM
People who get rid of photos of their past have a mental problem, I swear. So, now you want to deny that that every happened in your life? Great, so if I ever want to know what kind of person you were and what your life was all about, there's a whole chunk you just got rid of. If anyone is going to be my b/f, they better keep that stuff! LOL I am like a photo FREAK and it's all part of the writings I do on my past, and some ex's and friends also took pics that I am finding online of family events and treasured photos I can now compile of my mom, aunt and uncle who are all passed away now. I do get the nudie stuff if that exists or racy stuff, but burning any memory of not just them in your life, but you in your life? Weiiiird! I thank god everyday that I have these scrapbooks, tonz of photo albums, online photo albums, writings, recollections and all else because without it, I think I would have needed meds for the depression that came when my life was turned upside down. So, I say yay to not just one box, but SEVERAL! Woohooo! Celebrate your life!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Do you ever think about how much time you have left?
Posted: 11/9/2009 5:27:19 PM
It doesn't really bother me. I wasn't born attached to someone and I won't die attached to someone. Me is the person I have to learn to love at the end of the day, and I am ok with that. =)

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Are professional pictures better?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:45:06 PM
I just put up a few of my pro shots again so people can see what I am talking about if they want to. Mine were actually taken by my friend who is learning to be a professional photographer so I got lucky. He had me come after work one day, bring my own outfits, do my own makeup (which since I don't know how to do makeup, was not really much at all.lol) do my own hair, so I came up with the pigtails idea and improvised. We laughed through most of the shoot. But I have to say the style of lighting, the work gone into it, the creative we came up with on it together, is a part of what I enjoy about them. I share them on here from time to time not to be misleading but because I think they were indeed done very well. So, it really depends on the experience you have, but it can be fun and rewarding. I think a blend of both though is good so one gets a full idea of who you are in the visual sense.

M

Oh, and the pro shots aren't my main photo as they were done in 2006 and 7 and aren't recent.
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 80 (view)
 
41 and 23??? I'm not ready for this!
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:51:46 AM
This has been very interesting for me to read. I am now entering that age where I am still getting young guys after me, but the age difference is starting to get bigger and bigger.lol I am weird in that at 36, almost 37 I have never been married, divorced, baggage, kids of any sort, and have lived most of my life as well, a young person might. I am in school now again, and have had jobs where I could pursue my career and ambitions, so I have not been laden down with older women's responsibilities much nor know how that feels. In fact, I feel I relate more to young guys than guys my age! That's what makes it so hard, cause guys my age have had divorce, kids, and all this stuff that is so foreign to me, so I find it even harder to resist the young guys! Does that make me weird? LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Contemplating lifetime estrangement from parents? advice
Posted: 9/30/2009 10:41:10 AM
I'm going to a counselor on Thursday for very similar circumstances. For me, it is my father and how emotionally abusive and controlling he has been to me this last almost two years. I went into depression after my mom passed away (I did have one good parent), and he has been taking advantage of me ever since. I have finally decided it's my life and I need to mentally remind myself who should be in charge of it - ME! So, counseling is a very good idea, don't be ashamed of that. Also, if you want to talk, feel free to email me, talking to people with similar circumstances I think is therapeutic and helpful. I wish you success and true happiness because you deserve it! =)

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 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Lame dudes who think they control their girlfriends...
Posted: 9/29/2009 7:09:59 PM
I agree with the OP, it's ridiculous and probably why I am still single.lol I happen to think since I was born alone and will die alone, then I should be able to make my own choices too while I am on this ball! Figure that! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 75 (view)
 
Loners vs. lonely
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:50:18 PM
Interesting topic and one I have been curious about too. What if you were forced to be a loner though? As is my case, since I was small, my father put harsh strict rules on me (due to his Afghan heritage and being abusive). I was not allowed to even know as a young child what other children looked like, and I was an only child too. My mom later told me she had to be called in to kindergarten because I wouldn't stop hugging all the other kids cause I had never seen children before! LOL

This kept up once my mom finally divorced my dad and I was finally free. I was voted shyest in high school, but that was under these strict and abusive laws my father had. Once I was free with my mother, I went into severe extrovert mode, wanting to be out all the time, having lots of friends, being very aggressive with who I am and wanting to do things that would help express myself (writing, performing, events) I went into content management and wrote about festivals, which I gladly went to as many as I could, just to be around as many people as I could, all the time.

Now, my mom has passed away, and I made a big mistake, moving to be with my father cause I was severly depressed. I am working on getting social services to help me get away from him as he has severe agoraphobia and is still abusive and it is affecting my life, but I also fear that in relationships, since I can't sit still and really want to always be doing something, I may not fit with anyone out there who had a normal upbringing? What do you think? I will admit I can do many things on my own, and love to do things, it's not so much I need people around me, I just need to SEE people. I need to know they exist. I guess I am just one weird egg.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 13 (view)
 
He/She Still Loves Them & has Pics - Can You Handle It?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:41:05 PM
So, is it then weird that I chronicle all my past loves/friends/family/everything on facebook, in albums, framed pics, writeups in memory books, memory projects, keeping momentos in scrapbooks, everything?

Keep in mind that I am single, very lonely, and look back on my past to a time when I was happier. I just don't see why take a pic if you can't look at it, and enjoy it? I know if a guy I was dating had pics and memories written down like me, I think that would be cool. He treasures his memories and the people he has met on his journey. Maybe if it was fixated on one person, I would feel a bit insecure, but not a life chronicled.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 57 (view)
 
indian women
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:53:41 PM
I see a bit of this now that I am living around my father's side of the family, which are Afghan. I just had a conversation with one female cousin of mine who is 20 years old and tells me she must, as a girl, marry another Muslim, and he has to be Afghan, or it brings shame to the family or something like that.

My mom was American and my dad married her and it didn't work well for them, as the cultural differences between how Americans are individualists and Muslim culture tends to be more collective just doesn't jel well. I sided with my mom on all counts as I was born and raised here. I also turned agnostic because I didn't want religion telling me what kind of person I am. If I become spiritual someday, that's my personal journey to make.

I can tell I have very Americanized views because I don't want to do things that will affect me every day for the sake of some "family" or family members. I feel that is selfish on their part, but then again, that is the different cultures speaking. I would think it is selfish cause I lived with my mom (after they divorced) for 20 years and learned if you want to succeed, you go out there (on your own) and you work hard for it. The reward is the success, and if you are lucky, you may find love as well with it. But don't expect that. Very diferent view to a Muslim way of thinking which would say your success is the family's success and they will ensure you have a mate for life. That's why I feel it's very unfair at times for other cultures to keep instilling their culture on someone who is raised here with this culture. But again, that's just my personal opinion.

I also have found I tend to always shoot for or want to date anyone except a Muslim type man. Not purposefully trying to do so, but someone pointed out once, "all your boyfriends have been blond, what is up with that?" LOL Well, they all haven't been, but I definitely considered that maybe seeing a muslim man psychologically makes me think of my traumatic past with my father and how I don't want to be anywhere near that way of thinking or constrictivenesss.

I am curious if anyone else on here is from Arab-American parents like that and had these same culture challenges? It would be interesting to hear! And please note, above I was being totally honest, and mean no disrespect. In fact, I hope this helps enlighten me and help me change for the future. It's always good to confront your problems sometimes.

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Massive Problems with Netzero
Posted: 8/30/2009 11:12:48 PM
Thank you so much everyone for this good advice. I think we will go with highspeed at AT&T as we already have it for the phone and my dad with his agoraphobia or whatever just doesn't want anyone in his house, but if they can send you something you install yourself, that would be great! Also, my dad never wanted high speed cause he says it's 100 dollars a month and unless I pay for it, it's too much for him, but I didn't think it was that expensive. Well, I will let you all know once I am finally on the real internet superhighway! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Massive Problems with Netzero
Posted: 8/29/2009 6:50:56 PM
So, this has been happening all week and trying to figure out a solution that works every time does not seem to be working. I am finally maybe convincing my dad to go with high-speed cause I think I have given enough years (kinda like jail) to dialup, and I am already paying the same as I would with cable, so anyway....

For some reason, Netzero keeps freezing on me when I am online. Once it does that, it takes a good up to 10 hard restarts (shutting it off manually and bringing it back up) to get the computer to function. I get then times where it won't connect when I come back on or a message that says "x1exec.exe corrupt file, C:/ProgramData/Netzero/accelerator/turbocash/biglongcode" and after that it says it's corrupt and unreadable. Use chkdsk utility. I run that, and once it gets to that point, if I even want to connect, I got to run the utility, end all processes of netzero and reinstall netzero, and I get moments like this where I might be on for a while. I am not calling them at 2.00 a minute to ask for help, but wondered if anyone had this problem. I am working on websites and need a stable connection, and this frankly blows! LOL

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Can You Feel The Loneliness?
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:44:15 PM
I think it's a matter of perspective. Back when I used to date a lot more, I did feel as though in a race against time to get someone to love me and stay with me, and felt like a total loser when xmas came around and no man in my life, but now having not dated in forever and pursuing other activities as I deal with the loss of my family (mom, aunt and uncle all passed away), I focus more on me and what I want. And it's incredibly freeing! I even look at old conversations I had with past ex's and can't believe I was that clingy or in need! Wow!

Now I am really in a great place with understanding reality and the "stigma" of being single is really a society-driven thing. I mean am I supposed to be miserable just because I am "single"? Don't get me wrong, I do know loneliness! But I also knew loneliness when I was in relationships because I was in them for the wrong reasons. So I don't know if I am just growing up, or what it is, but yeah, I will say that while loneliness is tough, it's tougher to play the game and be in constant frustration when you feel you haven't "won" someone yet. And this is not a stab at anyone, but just me realizing things about myself.lol

I've been doing a lot of writing about things in my past in journals and it's been wonderful therapy for me. I advise it to anyone!

M
 evrybdy
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 24 (view)
 
The dreaded c0ckblock friend
Posted: 8/21/2009 6:52:13 PM
I've had that happen to me. Only it's like guys I know and I don't drink, and I just want to spend time with them, then she gets mad and says I'm not allowed to, or she doesn't understand a "party girl" like me, just cause I want to talk to a guy I care about more without her around.lol That's very frustrating.

M
 
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