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 Author Thread: How to know if a man is truly interested or not?
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 35 (view)
 
How to know if a man is truly interested or not?
Posted: 2/17/2018 2:55:23 AM
I have found if a mans putting that much effort in, he cant sustain it and likely hasnt developed relationship skills. He relies on the intensity to get the girl but has nothing else to offer.

The whole relationship isnt being set up right because again its relying on the intensity, its not sustainable and burns out quickly. Its fun and flattering but if your looking for a relationship its probably better to find someone who is able to manage things better ie knows he cant sustain the pace he is setting.

He cant be that busy as he wasnt too busy to text and phone you all the time. Someone who is busy will only text when they can, even if they are in a quiet bit they wont set a pace they cant keep up with when they then become busy.

Perhaps not responding as often or saying 'can we slow things down a bit'. Doubt it would of helped as that's all he has to offer, speed and intensity.

Have confidence that you are suitable for a relationship and that will attract others who want a relationship. Set your boundaries and aim for the type of relationship you want. Dont expect a man to do that for you, they are not mind readers and generally know diddly squat about women :)
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Dating
Posted: 2/7/2018 1:56:29 PM
Depends on what you want. I generally go with, if his interested he will make the effort. If hes not making the effort (which sounds as though he isnt) then id rather wait for someone who thinks im worth making the effort for.

Might be worth just going with the flow, if you are invited out for a foursome, take it for what it is, 4 people hanging out. Stop textimg him, wait for him to make a bit of effort. If he doesnt, look around for someone who does
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Girlfriend has no money no motivation and needs a job???
Posted: 2/7/2018 12:13:46 PM
Id be inclined to agree with most of the above. Sounds like your her dad. I think you need to decide if this is really what you want? Seems kind she needs an alcohol support group more than a job. If you was my friend (you are someone i dont know plus dont know your girlfriend). Id suggest moving on, find someone who has a job and some motivation as that appears to be what you are saying you want
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/28/2018 10:46:52 AM
Well there is always the games, you know, the lets make out im gay cos that will make her try harder, or the i want out of this relationship but i dont want the drama so if i pretend im gay then she'll go peacefully. Not to mention the 'hes normal, please learn what normal is'.

I feel like ive stepped into the twightlight zone, according to the website bingo is open from 9am - 3 am. Ive no idea how that works??? Do grannies stay out that late? or do younsters now prefer bingo to clubs???? So yeah, he might have to walk past dear old granny to go to a lap dancing club, unless he gets distracted and ends up playing bingo all night.

Ah how little you know of women ng, a bigger size??? Now thats is like admittng defeat. No no no no no. You change the fabric but keep the same size. Besides, there is only so big you can go in jeans before you start looking like your legs have been cut off at the knees.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/15/2018 1:46:45 PM
Well, i thought I would find out how conditioned i was. I googled lapdancing/strip clubs in my area. Nearest is the next town, where i grew up. One is called a gentlemans club tucked away on the edge of town. You can't see it, you have to know its there to go there. Interestingly its next to the gala bingo hall. Not sure how that works. So, to go there a young buck doesnt need to worry what people think of him for going there as most people would be wondering why he is going to play bingo. Add to that that when he goes there he will likely have to walk past the bingo hall where possibly his nan is waiting to play.

The pictures show a large illuminous stage in tbe middle complete with pole. Not sure how my friends husband didnt see that! But in his defense it is only a lapdancing club on a wed and saturday, he went on a friday i think. As for the sexy girls, well, if thats your thing........

The other one is in a run down road and looks like a run down burger bar. Its called macs girls, giving the impression of mumsy woman serving chips and burgers. Now that could be interesting for the unassuming man hoping to break free and enjoy a fat full treat.

Thank you for your kind words Henry. I dont know what big pocket mum jeans are either, i assumed they were not sexy. I stopped wearing jeans when they became skinny. Trying to suck my body into those suckers in the morning whilst cooking pancakes and shouting 'we have to leave now, i dont want to get told off by the head teacher AGAIN'. Was just too much. I swopped them for leggings, quick and easy making a clear statement of......'i managed to get dressed this morning'.

 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/14/2018 9:48:48 AM
Hahaha, ng you make me laugh

Im not sure its about being conditioned not to like strip clubs, i genuinely was unaware they really existed beyond movies until a few years ago when my friends husband (on a drunken works do) picked up a £400 bill from one (spent on champagne not women or sex). Now he was also unaware that he was even in a lap dancing club. Not convinced by his story, i asked my ex husband who confirmed that he was equally shocked to find the annual golf week away also included lap dancing clubs. He hasn't been away for golf since, not his thing, he actually enjoys golf.

Now that i am aware, the male stripper thing, feels like being in a crowd of women that appear to be shouting 'im here, im here' seems to me not very classy. Plus if i have to shout that loud to let him know im here, it kinda doesnt feel worth the effort.

Ffs, so big pocket mum jeans are not sexy......so now i have to re-think my wardrobe, what ever happened to milfs.

Yeah, im still with ops bf being hetro too
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/13/2018 10:16:22 AM
If i dig deep and admit the deep down truth....a ripped muscular man in a g string in front of a group of women giving g it 'look how great i am' doesnt really do it for me. I prefer a good body found in his natural environment :). A building site, a gardener, a farmer, at leisure....say on a rugby field. Watching him work, a natural sweat, a natural smile....yep. thats the deep down truth

Now im not convinced men are going by the beat of their own drum if tbey are hanging out in strip clubs to get horny? Im confused? To get horny for what? 'im single so need to get horny???' Cos that seems frustrating. Or, 'i need to get horny to go home to have sex with my girlfriend cos shes not quite doing it for me????' Cos that seems sad
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/10/2018 12:21:49 PM
'it'll horn dog a guy up to try'

Lol, er, no idea what your saying here?

I wouldnt be aroused by a random naked man. Am sure there are men who wouldnt find it sexy for a random woman to stand naked in the door way. Sexy underwear or clothes that hint at sexy can be more appealling to some.

Doesnt mean either are gay. I find it odd that op was talking about someone who she thought was gay, then thought her boyfriend was also gay. Maybe op is stereotyping what she thinks turns men on instead of getting in tune with what turns her man on.

Im guessing men can be as individual as women? Or perhaps im hoping?
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 48 (view)
 
34 year old and fancy a 53 year old, but she takes ages to text
Posted: 1/10/2018 12:12:30 PM
Not sure if it helps but i think the appeal of a younger man/older woman is more than the reality.

My concern would be if the younger man was realistic about a relationship, he would be unlikely to enjoy the things i want to do and looking back, it feels like a lifetime of compromise and never really doing what i wanted to do. I wouldn't be in a hurry to commit and id probably what more than 'fun'. Id also be wary of being played.

But with that, if i really cared for him, id wonder if i was the best choice for him and would likely come to the conclusion that no im not.

Finally, id expect him not to give up so easily, thats not how it worked when i was younger. Not to confuse that with neediness and texting all the time. Just enough to show his interest but not so much that says his desperate.

Hope this makes sense
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/7/2018 12:36:40 PM
@sight - getting the lady to take her clothes off is hardly a challenge if she is a stripper. I agree with ohenryx other than the high class gentlemans club, only difference is the price charged. If the girls smart enough and looks classy enough she can earn a lot. But yeah, not all strippers are prostitutes.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 18 (view)
 
A friend in Need
Posted: 1/7/2018 12:28:46 PM
A 5 star hotel is a great idea. Pamper yoursrlf and mix with richer people. You never know, you might meet people with better manners
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/6/2018 11:03:19 AM
Sounds like he needs extra stimulation ie more than the nice girl/nice boy type of sex. Might have intimacy difficulties?. Some men dont like to do all the work during sex and like to work for sex ie they enjoy being seduced. If he has visited gay bars and tried drugs he might be open to more adventurous sex. Men dont always enjoy strip bars, the sex is too easy.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Guilt
Posted: 1/6/2018 10:52:13 AM
I wonder if guilt is often a problem for you? Depends on what your feeling guilty about. Breaking trust? Being attracted to someone else? Not being happy in a relatuonship? Wanting out? Not feeling safe in a relationship ie i hope she isnt doing tbe same?
 escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 44 (view)
 
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 10/14/2017 11:11:11 PM
Sorry, it wasnt meant to be. We got married because ws loved each other, we were together 20+ years and mostly happily. He changed, i changed and so we split. The end was nasty. When youve been together a while, you build a life together. When it ends you break it down. Not just the financial stuff but the joint friendships, the families the things you used to do, stuff like that.
 escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 42 (view)
 
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 10/12/2017 11:23:14 AM
Depends how long you have been married. For me it was letting go of the man he was who i loved, was my best friend and who i had planned the rest of my life with.

Letting go of everything youve worked for and starting again.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 16 (view)
 
On Drama
Posted: 10/10/2017 1:58:00 PM
If someone had a relationship and found out their partner was cheating lots of drama would be throwing clothes out of the window, standing outside his house shouting what a w....r he is, stalking him, threatening the next girlfriend. Stuff like that. No drama would be finding out your partner had cheated, packing your stuff, walking out the door never to be seen or heard from again. Imo = someone with healthy boundaries and self esteem - no drama/someone with low self esteme and a lack of boundaries - lots of drama
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Blew it, thanks Hormones
Posted: 2/3/2017 6:06:05 AM
I think its agreed that you didn't handle this well. But I agree, don't worry about it too much. If you were talking a lot and went on two dates I think it would be reasonable to think he liked you. To then be told he wants to follow up with someone else is hurtful. Sounds like he dangled you and you got angry. Most people would. Good for you for giving him a hard time about it. Also agree people make too big a deal out of the stalking thing. A man leads you on, you get angry, he doesn't want to face the consequences. Why oh why would you want anything more to do with him. Move on and don't look back. Just learn what you can for next time
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Her Hair
Posted: 1/18/2017 1:30:45 AM
Penne, that is so sad. I hope your daughter you and youe family are supported through this. It's just awful.

If your daughter's hair is in good condition why not cut it now and arrange for it to be made into a wig, it may need to be woven in with other hair but at least it will be her hair. I hope this helps.
My thoughts are with you.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Do I really need to grow up?
Posted: 1/12/2017 8:41:57 PM
Hobbies make you interesting. I love dancing, I would never be a dancer on stage as I'm not very good at it. But I love it all the same and couldn't imagine never dancing again. I also love horse riding, turns out im not great at that either mainly because I'm scared. But never do it again because I wouldn't be able to compete? What a depressing life that would be. All work then what? Veg out in front of the tv? No thank you

But, the thing with relationships is you do have to consider the other person. If your playing at home and it's not her thing then it's probably really annoying. A bit like when you kid starts playing drums.

It sounds to me like a communication problem. She isnt expressing herself that well or your not listening to what she is saying. Maybe both?
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Advice
Posted: 12/19/2016 12:29:50 PM
Op, I assume he is your age. The drugs and alcohol mis-use could explain 3/4 of his mood swings. The charm followed by dis interest is also common in drug mis-use its how dealers get people addicted, it sounds like grooming and dom/sub kind of behaviour. It could be learnt behaviour from the type of people he is around, especially if he is into drugs. Does he have issues? Yes I would say so.

But he sees you quite clearly, you have no confidence. He also knows you like him a lot, he told you.

It's unclear why you would want anything to do with a man who is into drugs and alcohol, who dumps you and disappears, who dumped you on your bithday, who dumped you moved in with someone then picked you up when that didn't work out. You must have some pretty bad issues yourself to accept that.

Why does he do it? Because he can. Why do you? Because you recognise something familiar in him? Who does he remind you of?

He is obviously talking about you to his mum, how else would she know you are messaging him? What mother would get involved in this way with her sons lovelife at age 32? Probably one who doesn't want to accept her parenting was crap and her son isn't who she wants him to be. Why would a man of 32 needs his mum's involvement in a casual relationship at that age?

This is a situation best avoided. Block him and never contact him again imo.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 33 (view)
 
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/30/2016 2:12:40 PM
Op I would agree with llbean post 24, there is also a book called attached that may help. Many hurt or damaged people are successful in business. You can be drivenby a need to prove yourself, that is not a good predictor of a secure attachment style. No one is perfect, if they seem perfect then maybe everything isn't as it seems. A secure or confident person knows that making mistakes is ok and will be ok with them.

What you have described as come here-go away is an ambivelant attachment style which indicates that needs were inconsistently met ie sometimes they were, sometimes they weren't. It could also indicate an avoidant attachment style, both could be attracted to each other. But your reaction to it leaves it unclear as to who has the ambivalent/avoidant attachment style. It maybe you, which is then creating a difficulty which leads to the relationship ending. A confident person will not respond to lose boundaries in someone else, they will set there own, clear boundaries.

The good news is, attachment styles, with effort, can change into a secure one. I wish you luck.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 575 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/15/2016 3:15:19 PM
Things are changing and that is scary. Apologies but I'm not informed about America but they have stated similarities between trumps election and brexit.
So, for what it's worth, how I view brexit. The majority of people are not racist, They are raising valid concerns about culture with a view of trying to make things better. It is the minority that are racist. The services have been reduced but the laws are more effective. They changed the laws approx 2 years prior to brexit.

Please remember more than half the voters voted for Clinton. Of the half that voted trump I would estimate half did so not out of racism but because they can see how what was put in place to protect have run there course and are now doing more harm than good. Of the remaining 1/4 prob 1/2 are sheep and you are looking at 10% that are racist and influencing the rest.
Racism has always been there but everyone pretended it wasn't. Now at least you will be able to see where it is so are better able to tackle the problem.

I think trump is racist and sexist and ukip are aweful, wouldn't trust either. But trust that the majority will do the right thing.


 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Is closure really good?
Posted: 11/15/2016 3:05:53 PM
I would suggest that your instincts on the drinking were accurate, you might try trusting them in future.

Yes it's good that you feel something and are upset I would say that's good. However, it depends on how big that emotion is. If it feels devastating and you are struggling to move on(red flag and all). That's too big an emotion for the circumstances, It is out of context.

From what you have described I would say a confident man would of moved on once the red flag of drinking too much became obvious. But everyone gets it wrong now and then so no biggy if you didn't. I would suggest sadness and disappointment for a 3 week period followed by moving on to someone/something new is in line with the information given. Anything more is excessive emotion for the circumstances Imo
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 560 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/7/2016 11:54:05 PM
I am informed. I'm trained in drug and alcohol mis use. I work early intervention ie befor they are fully addicted. Anyone can spot someone who uses weed daily, they don't do anything and have no want to. Not too bad for the older generation but sickening to see in the young. I wonder how many class a drug addicts started with weed?

Usually when people get so defensive it's because they can see the truth in it, they just don't want to admit it. Especially when they can't come back with facts and theories beyond rumours that they heard to fit in with what they want to believe.

Don't worry tho, I'm out of here for a few days. Now and then I have a life. Enjoy!
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 5 (view)
 
He loves her but shes kinda crazy...
Posted: 11/7/2016 1:45:57 PM
It all related to the same thing really. He decides how he is treated and if he hasn't walked away from that it's him that has the problem. Although I would question if its his behaviour causing the problem. She's not happy, nor is he. What's the point in being together? love of drama? because I doubt it's love for each other.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 557 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/7/2016 1:02:51 PM
Lol - the denial and justification of the addicted is something to behold. Did anyone read olds posts, he works 7 day then spends 7 days out of it on weed. It's not unusual for a regular weed user. only difference is they might work a different shift pattern. Ever been to a party or club and smelt weed. Can you spot who used it? What wonderful exciting things do they do?

Nope, not talking about crack? I wouldn't dare, that might actually scare you.

No I haven't been watching tv, I've watched rl, also have friends in the community and pschy wards complaining about the number of canabis induced psychosis patients they have to deal with. Even got one in the family who ended up schizophrenic and will now always be.

Yes waltz people do grow it, but if they get found out their house gets raided and they go to prison. If that doesn't give you relationship problem there's something wrong with your partner. It probably doesnt do much for your job prospects either

Wow it's a bit like the smoker who claims they don't have a cough and are as fit as a fiddle. The £50-£70 they spend a week on smoking isn't the reason they can't afford to do the things that everyone else can not only afford to do but have the good health to do it.

Not sure enhance is the right word. If you are depressed and take drugs you become more depressed is what I was trying to say.

Edited to add - I got a feeling that the effects change slightly with regular use. If not used that often or when first used it makes you feel relaxed and gives you the munchies. I think of you use regular i.e. daily that changes, you dont get hungry with it.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 551 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/7/2016 1:03:19 AM
I don't know what happens on a psych ward but I do know things have changed since the 60's. Medication isn't just dished out or at least not where I live it isn't. It's unusual to get a prescription longer than a month and if it's a regular med you are monitored, they stop prescribing them if you don't turn up for appointments. They will only give you 7 days worth of sleeping tablets because they are addictive, most chemists will even monitor oover the counter ones like kalms but they are easy to buy in the supermarkets though don't really work.

The anti depressants I was in were non addictive and I was monitored the whole time and taken off them as soon as I was at a low functioning level. You are weaned on and off.

I agree with tiger, tablets alone won't work you need to make adjustments to the way you are living. Increasing exercise, eating well and taking time for fun. Usually you are offered tablets but no one makes you have them they are recommended along with counselling that you don't have to do either. You can just make life changes that will improve the symptoms. Studies show that walking in the fresh air regularly had the most success. Exercise changes the chemical balance in the brain increasing endorphins. In my experience, the tablets worked and brought me back to a functioning level quicker than I would of. I didn't take counselling but looking back I wish I had.

It always makes me laugh that some people won't go to the doctors who spend years training into a job that basically cares for people, they are qualified in understanding how the body and meds work. If they get it wrong you can complain about them, they can be struck off if they are incompetent and you can sue them. But no, don't go to your doctor go to you local dealer who lives a life making money out of damaging others, doesn't give a crap about others and if he gives you something that sends you crazy your likely be too scared to do anything about it. Yes go buy illegal drugs from not nice people to cure your ailments - some seriously faulty thinking going on there.

Canabis effects are muscle relaxation, tiredness, decreased alertness and sedation. As I think walts said? Drugs usually enhance mood, you go into a drug depressed it will enhance that feeling.

I'm aware of several people who state they are happy smoking weed. You know this because that's basically all they talk about and all they do and all they want to do. If that's living, I'll gladly leave them too it. They will also be unaware of their mood swings, when they are on it there's not much going on and when they are not they will experience withdrawal because it's addictive. V Moody. Cannabis does make you paranoid with regular use and most regular users develop other life problems such as relationship breakdown, angry outbursts, work difficulties due to lack of motivation and lack of alertness. Basically they work to buy weed and they smoke weed. Nothing else.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 543 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/5/2016 7:02:37 AM
Thank you for a very insightful post old. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties and hope you find a way through.

I relate to the early warning signs of depression and think you raise valid points. I experienced them myself. I didn't run away into alcohol or drugs I went to the doctors. Probably easier for a woman than a man. He prescribed anti depressants. I took 3 months off work, took tablets for 6 months and spent 2 years making adjustments to my life via exercise, healthy eating and taking time out to enjoy life. At the time there was no enjoyment I went through the motions until one day that feeling of happiness slowly came back little by little.

Looking back, I would of got help at the early indications because once you fall into what I term 'that black hole' you are a long time climbing out of it. But climb out I did. Now and then that awful feeling starts to creep in and I deal with it straight away. No way will I ever go back there.

My cause was a series of life events and stress, not genetics. Stress will either get you physically is stroke or heart attacks. Or mentally = depression. Stress can be caused by too much pressure or not enough. there are different reasons for depression, it's specific to the individual.

I thought I would stuggle getting work after taking tablets but never have.

Facts - canabis and alcohol are depressants. They are very short term fixes that then create a massive problem if you suffer depression. You will never get better if you do either whilst depressed.

@ old If you are out of it on pot for a whole week you are probably functioning at a very low level in terms of living. All work and nothing else going on.

@ butter not sure how your feeling but if you are relating to any of what old has posted, please avoid alcohol or pot or anything else. Go to the doctor and get proper help and do it now. You will be back to normal in a few months. Leave it and you will be looking at years, if you get better at all. This is posted because I care.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 540 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/4/2016 2:08:44 PM
Damn, ng raised good points. I hate that :)

There is a big difference between 'if .... happens I will kill myself' as a way of expressing frustration or feeling overwhelmed and 'im going to kill myself' with a thought and feelings that make someone want to do just that. There is a big difference between 'i've decided to kill myself', said to get own way and said with real intent to want to do that. I guess someone trained in suicide would be able to tell the difference.

My understanding is that if someone says 'im going to kill myself' it greatly refuces the likelihood that they will.

In uk if you attempt suicide you would come under mental health. If you take anti depressants, even if it was just one time depression. You have mental health issues and that will always be on your file. It doesn't affect you getting jobs or anything but you are still considered as coming under mental health. So yes, I guess you would be classed as crazy.

 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:33:34 AM
Your not ready to be intimate yet. That's fine. Your not into this guy, that's fine. He is too pushy and wants a relationship, you dont, or at least not with him. I wouldn't go out with him again. It sounds like he is scaring you and you are leading him on.

Why are you letting everyone push you around. If you don't want to meet someone yet, do you and them a favour and don't.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 29 (view)
 
am i doing the right thing?
Posted: 11/2/2016 4:18:16 PM
They say behind every great man is a great woman. Often women being a calmness to wreckless men so maybe. If you think the changes she asked for are reasonable and benefit you then yes make them. If it's just a woman moaning and getting you to chase after her.....Then maybe not.

Are you doing the right thing? Yes and no. If you want her then yes make the effort to win her. There's no guarantee your going to get her but at least you know you have it your best shot. But.......

If you've planned a night away just to treat her then make it that and don't attach condition a to it. Just go away and enjoy it, don't fret about the deadline, it's off putting.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 534 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 11/2/2016 2:40:39 PM
There are many reasons for drug addiction, from parents who use and by doing so make it acceptable to there children, for those children to influence others. Then you have dealers who are highly manipulative who can charm, entice or intimidate others into drugs. Then you have mental health issues and attempts to self Medicare, incorrect information. And yes your trauma/abuse/neglect/disadvantage. Is addiction a choice? Sometimes but very rarely imo.

I wouldn't class crack or heroine as recreational drugs, they are seriously messed up drugs. Generally weed is considered recreational, imo, it's not harmless. A regular smoker will say it is and does nothing more than makes you relaxed. Imo a regular user lacks motivation at best and/or develops paranoia or canabis psychosis at worse.

A regular user of cocaine will say they feel confident and have amazing sex, the reality is they appear twitchy and on edge. The mood swings often result in aggressive and violent outbursts.

Heroine is reported to numb the pain, reality is, they are out of it, living in squalor, not functioning and at risk of many diseases.

Addiction - if you go out now and then and use because someone offered it - no addiction. If you go out and now and then buy it - no addiction. If you go out and say every Friday you buy it to have a good time you are becoming addicted. If you use it every day you are addicted. If you wake up thinking about it - you've got a problem.

Personal responsibility imo - if you want to take drugs and harm yourself that's your choice. If it affects others by either supplying or dealing then you should be locked away. If your behaviour affects others ie violence then you should be locked away.

Agree with whatsamatter re suicide and walts 're society. don't think it should be legal with the exception of terminal and even then limited its too wide open for pressure to be put on vulnerable ppl to end their life for the convenience of others imo.

@butter - yet it feels like I do know you, weird eh @ basilisk - yes resuers come under the drama triangle of victim, rescuer, persecuter it can switch at any time.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 516 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 10/31/2016 2:45:24 PM
Some nice replies here. Seen children raised by heroine addicts for a time (normally end up in care) - nasty. Seen some raised by drunks - equally nasty also end up in care. Not much in it imo.

@ butter - I can never work out why your post make it seem like you suffer with depression. You have so much going for you, it seems a waste.

@ basilisk - I like tigers questions about who would you be. Sometimes taking a look at your idols or those you admire can help define who you want to be. What is it about them that you like? Then work on bringing those qualities into your own life.

It might help not to focus on just yourself but take 5 mins each day to do something good for someone else. Little changes can sometimes lead to bigger ones. Like small ripples on a pond grow into big ripples. Maybe help an older person carry there shopping - they often feel lonely and struggle, or spend 5 mins chatting lightheartedly to someone in a wheelchair - they can often feel invisible and would welcome just being noticed, open the door for the mum struggling with her baby and buggy or pay a compliment to the plain girl who looks sad. Those kind of things take 5 mins to do but could make someone else's day. That's a pretty good feeling.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 895 (view)
 
The Birthday Bluez
Posted: 10/10/2016 11:10:58 PM
As far as I can see, nataly's not the only one stuck in a pattern. Same old people saying and doing the same old thing just like they did a few years ago. Only differences between them and the op is she starts interesting threads, she recognises she has a difficulty and is actively looking for solutions, she has had 4 dates with the same guy and not put out (massive one up on everyone), she hasnt given up her dreams, she creates and talks about relevant topics and has the ability to stay on topic. As for ss, I like his posts too, they are compassionate and fun.

Anyway, sometimes I have something that resembles a life, going on holiday now.

@ tiger - I'm struggling to understand your post - seriously, I don't get english. Sometimes I think it's related to speech, accents. On here I type the same way as I talk, I assume everyone else does too???
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 870 (view)
 
The Birthday B00bs
Posted: 10/7/2016 3:55:57 PM
Spellchecker doesn't correct anything it highlights it in red and you prompt it if you want to change it. It highlights incorrect grammer in blue. I don't think spellchecker works on pof anyway. My auto text however is forever changing words to random crap that I have to keep going back and correcting. V annoying

I've got a Samsung fone £14 a month from ee - v cheap.

Can not believe I used my 2 in 10 to post this
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 865 (view)
 
The Birthday B00bs
Posted: 10/7/2016 3:37:13 PM
Lol for all I know you could be lying about the spelling and grammer. Lucky they invented spellchecker, I just got to figure out how to get it on my fone. But hey, i might not of got the spelling and grammer in english but I did ok in comprehension. C in english = not very good at english. And generally I can add more to a conversation than spelling and grammer :p

I got a 2 in 10 ban now
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 857 (view)
 
The Birthday Blahs...
Posted: 10/7/2016 10:45:01 AM
Lol well I grew up poor in a nearby town called basildon, within the top 10 disadvantaged areas. I was lucky I had good parents and was in top sets but generally made Friends with most, including some of the tougher ones. They may not of had the brain's but they kept you safe especially when they yearly fight between the other comp school took place whereby all the boys ran out of school to invade the next school for a fight and vice versa

I scrapped through English with a c and failed maths 3 times but did go on to pass a level psychology, vrq level 3 youth work and level 3 counselling. I managed to get my butt to London and work my way up in varous admin positions imcluding accounts working on indepth spreadsheets and never once used algebra. Then i got myself out of basildon. Later returning to work there supporting others to do the same.

Our education back then did actually prepare you for life. Today it just seems to knock the stuffing out of do many, particularly boys.

Ps I've prepared many reports for meetings and written letters on a wide scale to a wide range of people. Never once did it by pen and never had poor spelling or grammar bought to my attention. I even corrected the headmistress's spelling and appaulling letter writing at my younger sons school which is a worry.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 853 (view)
 
The Birthday Blahs...
Posted: 10/7/2016 7:45:41 AM
My mobile phone is seldom used as a phone, I hate phone calls yet I'm never without my phone. It's a camera, photo album, calender, appointment diary with an alarm, alarm clock, holds all my music, gives me access to the internet, friends via fb and emailes, Google for info and a whole heap of other stuff.

No my children do not have much access to techhnology in school, unless you consider a whiteboard instead of a blackboard a major step forward. They are still expected to read books from books and write on paper even though few jobs require this. They turn their phones off on the way in or they are confiscated. Yes if your parents are good, your not in a disadvantage area and your of average academic intelligence the school system works. That caters for 50-70% what about the remaining 30-50%?

What if you have crap parents, you live in a disadvantaged area or you are below average academically (bearing in mind most people who struggle academically are intelligent in other areas beyond English , maths and science)? I believe that is what the government changes are currently about. And why funding is being put into disadvantaged areas and supporting those who's talents are not reaching their potential because of constant tests and too much pressure.

As for social side and peers, if you are at the bottom end of education your peers are predominately special needs, disadvantaged and/or criminal. Your locked into a group you can't get out of so your peers are more likely to hinder you then progress you.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 851 (view)
 
The Birthday Blahs...
Posted: 10/7/2016 1:07:58 AM
Https://www.YouTube.com/watch?v=dqTTojTija8
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 847 (view)
 
The Facetious Bluez
Posted: 10/6/2016 8:08:48 PM
Tiger - I wasn't referring to nataly I was referring to the girl qoted who was described as lazy.

Without putting my own judgements and prejudiced onto someone else and taking nataly with the information given. If she has ld, her parents are over protective and her environment she lives in is as supportive as this thread has been. I'm surprised she gets up in the morning let alone wants to work beyond cleaning.

School for some can progress people to their potential, for others it can be abusive.

Where I live there are several charities and organizations who build relationships with local businesses to create work opportunities for both special needs and disadvantage. Most bigger companies get tax reductions for employing those who need help. Some schools can be good at linking in. Some schools are crap at it. Without these organizations and additional help from communities very few with needs would get work. Depends on who helps out.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 839 (view)
 
The Facetious Bluez
Posted: 10/6/2016 3:23:37 PM
Ime, people arent lazy they are either unmotivated and/or unsupported. Sometimes its parents, schools, environment, peers or all of these.

What you may see as someone being lazy and getting there own way is likely someone testing boundaries or controlling their environment because all around them feels like chaos and out of their control they use maladaptive behaviours to gain control = safe.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 836 (view)
 
The Facetious Bluez
Posted: 10/6/2016 2:02:29 PM
I have two sons, 15 and 11. I worry more about my 15 year old than the 11 year old. I would be equally distressed if either got hurt. But my 11 year old, even though he is 4 years younger, is more aware of danger and conducts himself safer than his older brother.

With regard to learning difficulties, most services in UK go upto 25 whereas those more able are expected to be acting like adults at 18. It is recognized that some with learning difficulties may need support forever. So 29 is no bigy. That doesn't mean, however, that they can't work or in many cases drive, have and maintain healthy relationships. They can still be fully functioning adults, they just might need on going support to achieve it and reach it several years after their peers.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 807 (view)
 
The Birthday Bluez
Posted: 10/4/2016 11:37:01 AM
Mostly they want to from age 16. Yes I would encourage and support them to do so once they were legally old enough. No I wouldn't just let them I would support them to have driving lessons until they were safe and proved they were safe by passing there driving test. Yes I would worry about car crashes, I worry the minute they are not with me. But I want my children to be confident and happy and they can only be that by going out into the world by themselves. Also, id be more worried that if im not around or die my children wont be able to survive or continue to enjoy the remainder of their lives.

I'd rather support them to go into the world independently than imagine I can protect them from it. That is unrealistic. Not only that but yes the world can be a cruel harsh place sometimes but it also wonderful and exciting most of the time and I wouldn't want my kids missing out on that.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 784 (view)
 
The Birthday Bluez
Posted: 10/3/2016 1:44:54 PM
Nataly, your post 785 is well written and sums up what should of happened. Yes he should of made more effort for your birthday and yes you was hurt, things from there didn't work out so you moved on. However, that isn't how it went. During that time when it wasn't going well you became clingy, a little desperate and made a million excuses for him. That's ok, most of us have done the same at one time or another, especially when first dating, moreso for on line.

Unfortunately, when you act like this it tends to send out the wrong message and pushes people away. Try to hold your emotions together a bit more. It's ok to feel them, we all do. But to act on those emotions often comes with negative consequences.

The same thing applies when responding to anyone.

I'm not sure how therapy works where you are but here it isn't about changing people. It's about feeling better about yourself and your values. It's about developing skills to manage difficult situations.

I'm glad you have applied for work that's a really good first step. If you don't get any response review what you are doing and ask for advice from somewhere like an employment agency. I agree that while you are doing that, building up work skills would be great and cleaning is a good start.

 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 742 (view)
 
The Shocking Newz
Posted: 10/1/2016 12:37:18 AM
I think posting things from someone's fb is a little creepy Tbh. But I do agree that op is responsible for setting her own privacy. The world isn't a safe place nataly and you need to take responsibility for your own safety. Your lucky it is on-line strangers who have made you aware of this and not someone close to your home.

I can see you are upset by a lot of ppls comments and i can totally see why. But there are better ways to respond. I agree that your current way is very negative and therefore bringing a lot of negativity towards you. You can learn to be more subtle and humour would be included in that. It will be equally as effective at getting your point across.

You are perfectly fine to not want to smoke drink take drugs or have sex, these are good things. But you can not expect others to be the same nor react to them as though they are not good people or evil in some way because they do. They are people, they are just not people you have anything in common with.

As for ng, well I don't agree with much he says lol but he does have a good sense of humour and I have learnt a lot about men reading his posts. Although he has not met your approval I did laugh at what he said and In amongst his ramblings there was a bit of wisdom. You do need to lighten up a bit and have a laugh. It doesn't mean you have to smoke, drink, Take drugs or have sex. But I am wondering why you are reacting so strongly towards him? Maybe you can see his point of view and know it is a valid one?
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Mr NON-Sensical...
Posted: 10/1/2016 12:15:36 AM
I agree she didn't have to tell you but I'm not sure why she did or if that makes it better or worse? I don't think your insecure I would find it dis-respectful and be hurt by it.

I don't think I would continue the relationship.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 723 (view)
 
The Shocking Newz
Posted: 9/30/2016 10:31:32 AM
^^^omg, couldn't her first time be a little bit romantic!!! Plus she is a woman, not a man. She needs champagne, a God, rose petals on the bed, fancy smelling candles. Chocolates afterwards with a man who feels blessed to be with her.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 721 (view)
 
Update us please?
Posted: 9/30/2016 9:26:49 AM
Anyone who has studied attachment theory would know that attachment styles can be changed. Bowbly didn't experience a secure attachment until he got married. Anyone who has studied attachment theory on a proffessional level would never use that information as a basis of a view point in such a negative way.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Dating killer turn offs
Posted: 9/30/2016 2:21:39 AM
Men who treat me like a fluff head not capable of thought and want to make all the decisions. Men who treat me like there mum and are just looking for someone to feed them and do there washing.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 713 (view)
 
Update us please?
Posted: 9/30/2016 2:12:22 AM
She went on 2 or 3 dates with someone who didn't treat her well and was saying he didn't think they had much in common so she talked to someone else. It's hardly cheating, in fact I would say it was sensible and perfectly reasonable.

There is soooooo much advice on this thread I guess she is just selecting the advice she feels fits to her circumstances. Again, senisible and perfectly reasonable.
 
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