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 Author Thread: Waiting for the man to ask-Too old fashioned?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Waiting for the man to ask-Too old fashioned?
Posted: 4/11/2017 11:02:01 PM

I'm still unsure how men REALLY feel about a woman being the one to ask.


there is no answer to your question, because it's the wrong question. we are not a monolith. we are not a hive mind. we are individuals and our preferences vary.

the only way you'll learn how a given man feels about being asked out is to ask that man. whatever he answers, beware of assuming it's a reflection of men as a whole.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Can't Ruin What You Don't Have
Posted: 3/24/2017 10:00:02 AM

Can I still save it?

it sounds like you have a tiny bit of direct interaction with this guy and a whole lot of texting and projection and fantasy. that's not much to 'save.' do you see you're acting out the pattern that you say you want to avoid here? imagining you have some sort of mutual bond to 'save' with someone you hardly know? that's how you keep setting yourself up for hurt.


I did express to him that I am really interested in him and keeping contact w/him.

no, you sent him a mixed message. you pulled him toward you by acting 'super interested,' then pushed him away by making sure he knew you were going to see other people.

Should I not date while he is gone?

this is a question that people who have actually established some kind of connection ask. see first answer above.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Can't Ruin What You Don't Have
Posted: 3/23/2017 11:27:09 PM

Its not that I was not interested, in the past when I show interest a guy backs off. I'll get emotionally caught up and he breaks up w/me.


so you were playing hard to get, and it ended up making you hard to want. this is a valuable lesson. when you play games like this - that is, you behave inauthentically or dishonestly to manipulate the feelings or actions of another - it can backfire.

here's a thought. control your emotions. if need be, address whatever issue you have that makes you so starved for love or attention that you'll rush blindly toward virtual strangers you think might give it to you.

once you're in control, you no longer have to manipulate. you can behave authentically, speak honestly, be open without fear of being devastated, and so be capable of recognizing when others are the same.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I thought he was interested, then stopped responding
Posted: 3/18/2017 5:22:38 PM
op, you're getting a lot of advice here on how to interpolate what a man is thinking/feeling. imo, this is a self-defeating approach to dating.

better to shitcan any and all analysis and focus strictly on actions. after all, even if you know someone is genuinely interested and attracted, but their actions aren't compatible with what you want, what good is that? that's interest/attraction that counts for nothing.

if i'm you, i write some rules of thumb for interactions like the one you're pondering here. you might decide that after you send a message, you'll wait no longer than 24 hours for a reply before writing someone off. or it might be 12 hours, or three days, or a year, or 2 minutes, or whatever amount you're comfortable with. it's up to you. the point is, you figure out what you want and date only on those terms - then you're not plagued by second guessing and uncertainty (actually, you probably still will be, just less).

you can make similar rules for yourself over any aspect of dating. phone call doesn't happen within 24 hours of exchanging numbers - out. meet doesn't happen within a week of first contact - out. kiss doesn't happen without a week of first date - out. exclusivity doesn't happen within 30 seconds of initial mutually experienced orgasm - out.

the point is to remove the idea it's mandatory to perform the mostly impossible task of reading hearts and minds.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is he genuinely interested in me?
Posted: 3/13/2017 12:48:24 PM

I agree with the other poster who said, how do you know he was online and how long he was there? Wouldn't that mean you were lurking online as well, and for at least as long as he was?

this.

op, here's what your assumption chain looks like:
'guy did not respond to text message precisely as i would have, then guy was online, which can only mean guy was messaging OTHER women when it was ME he OWED a message FIRST, therefore guy is a bad risk and someone i should reject.'

and yet you were online, either repeatedly or continuously, in order to tell HE was online. were you messaging people furiously during that time? if not, why assume he was? maybe he was stalking YOUR logon, and seeing how you spent so much time online, he suspects you are just playing with him and so is holding off, all but convinced you're a bad risk. it would be ironic, no?

these are the kinds of knots people tie themselves into when trying to draw big conclusions from tiny scraps of information.

all that aside, though, you're perfectly entitled to set any limit or boundary you want when dating. if you want to conclude a person is not worth dating if it takes him more than 5 minutes to respond to a text, or an hour, or a day, or any period you want, have at it. then you don't have to analyze and agonize. a guy is either in or out, no uncertainty.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Is he genuinely interested in me?
Posted: 3/12/2017 1:55:40 PM
your overarching question here, and it's a common one, is: 'can i accurately interpolate interest of someone i've met only once based on text message response time?' knowing how complex human interactions are, especially when emotions are involved, you can probably answer that one yourself. as for your other questions, there's no way anyone here can give you an answer.

the kind of uncertainty you're experiencing is part and parcel of dating. you have two choices in response: get comfortable with it, or don't date. the best way to get comfortable with it, in my experience, is to not invest so much emotion, or hope, or interest, or whatever you want to call it, in someone who's no more than a new acquaintance. keep in mind that most first contacts fizzle.

he has no commitment to you, and you have none to him, so keep working your other contacts. that'll help you not to overthink any one guy and what he may or may not be doing or thinking or feeling.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
interested or no, not really texting much?
Posted: 2/26/2017 10:20:35 PM

His phone didn't die his Wife called him to dinner
I'm a luddite and my phone works


my phone dies and i too am a luddite, as evidenced by my lack of battery recharging consciousness.

not that any of that matters, since we all know that to be convicted as a player, a man need do no more than fail to do what some woman wants him to.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Scammers
Posted: 1/29/2017 5:41:01 PM
when flat-out gorgeous women with glossy pro pictures messaged me, i kinda knew something was up, you know. but i had fun with it. sent one a reply immediately offering money, to see what 'she' would do, and she demurred emphatically. that simply wasn't what 'she' was about. so the next round i launched into with some aching sob story, then the next round the voices started up, then the invisible enemy stirred in my closet, then my shotgun started whispering to me, and that was all 'she' needed to move on.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Not PoF anymore, it's PoD!
Posted: 1/29/2017 12:53:08 PM

I like dogs that are mellow and pet-able, but most of the women I have dated, have these emotionally retarded, violent, rescue dogs.


training minimizes this sort of behavior, but most people don't train their dogs (guilty as charged).

that said, dogs are acutely aware of human emotions and will react to them, some more than others. if you're feeling tense, fearful and hostile toward a dog, it will know it. some might go into flight mode, others into fight mode. not blaming anyone human or animal here, just saying if dogs uniformly are not friendly toward you, at least part of the issue is you. a wise person would simply avoid dogs to make this problem go away.

as far as rescue dogs go, mine pretty much gets along with everyone i get along with. even cats. he's a pit bull and there's no mistaking it, so people who don't feel comfortable around dogs tend to keep their distance, which suits everyone.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
GO GET YOUR MAN
Posted: 1/12/2017 12:47:13 AM

I hate that he will text, I will reply and then he won't text me again for another 3 days. It's hot and cold.

it's not that he's hot and cold. it's that he's not you. he's a different person. as such, he has a different approach to a whole range of things in his life. one of them is texting. in all probability, he sees it as an inconsequential way to touch base or exchange information, not a deadly serious emotional referendum involving the person with the other phone.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Trying to understand MEN
Posted: 1/4/2017 10:41:39 PM
stop worrying about trying to understand men. focus on understanding the dating process, particularly the online variety.

stop asking yourself, 'does he or doesn't he like me? and if not, why?' the question should be, 'if he DOES like me, are these the conditions i want to date under?'

some men and women are happy with a low-key pace of dating, where they might talk to a someone once a week, meet every other week, or whatever. that might be him. it might not. if it IS him, are you willing to date on those terms? this is a big piece of creating a mindset that allows you to be secure about how you date. it's figuring out where your boundaries and preferences are, learning to recognize when other people do or don't want the same thing, and acting accordingly and decisively. people who do the opposite, where they're constantly trying to parse the other person, figure out what it is they want and why they want it and how to be what that person wants, are the ones who run their brains until they're exhausted, get nowhere and end up hating dating.

also, keep in mind that most initial connections fizzle, you will never know why, and that's the norm and it's ok. beyond a certain initial point of figuring out the basics of not shooting yourself in the foot, there's nothing to be gained by analysis because you will never know why someone cuts contact. the variables of the individual are too many and too diverse to be profitably analyzed.

knowing that, you then make sure you're not too emotionally invested in a person who, after a date or two like this guy, is after all someone you know next to nothing about. even when the prospect looks like a slam-dunk keeper on the surface, you don't let your desires and yearnings and fantasies run away with you, you keep your emotions in check, and then if things don't work out, it's not a tragedy that consumes your thinking or, more importantly, deters you from the search.

and being mindful that you are on a search is key. if things don't work out, you just move on to the next prospect.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Learning to flirt again?
Posted: 1/2/2017 11:55:03 PM

instead of Bach's 'Toccata and Fugue in D Minor'.

hey, if a hot gal wanted to pull out all the stops and play some organ music on the first date, i'd be down for this piece.

bach fathered 20 kids. if ever there was a guy who could make a case for skipping the introductory cadenza, it's him.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Sexpectations in Dating
Posted: 1/2/2017 12:40:31 PM
a lot of women attach huge emotional and symbolic significance to sex that makes the decision to have it EXTREMELY SERIOUS, meaning they are only going to go down this road with a man they are EXTREMELY SERIOUS about and have checked out in an EXTREMELY SERIOUS and therefore lengthy way. then, unable to imagine anyone could see things differently, they project that attitude onto the men they date, believing that anyone who is equally EXTREMELY SERIOUS about a long-term relationship will check out his potential sexual partners in an equally EXTREMELY SERIOUS and lengthy way, and therefore any man who doesn't do that - that is, is willing to have sex early on - is not interested in a long-term relationship.

the actual truth is most men do not attach this monumental significance to sex, including the long-termers, but instead regard as one of many compatibility issues on which to check you out, that (hopefully) provides some pleasurable shared activity along the way. a guy who would like to have sex with you in the first few dates can possibly want more than just sex, and like most aspects of courtship where basic compatibility is established, learning whether this is the case takes time. a wise woman (or man) has not started to emotionally commit themselves within the first few dates, so if sexual incompatibility is found to be a dealbreaker, no hearts are left broken and bleeding.

that said, as others have iterated, you are not obligated to abide by anyone else's sexual timetable, just as no one is obligated to abide by yours, and it doesn't mean anyone is wrong if this is where two part ways.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
is this guy code for going no where?
Posted: 1/2/2017 11:39:17 AM
you need to stop thinking you have a chance with this guy based on whether he has a girlfriend. that's irrelevant, because he does not want romance with you. that what 'keeping you as a friend' means. focus your romantic efforts on someone else.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Kissed a girl with boyfriend
Posted: 12/14/2016 10:54:13 PM
i think you're getting a little old for this type of thing. i looked at your page expecting 20 and i see you're 29. women in your target demographic are starting to get married, have kids, work on careers, basically build their lives. the stakes of poaching/cheating are getting higher, involving spouses, kids, professional reputations and relationships, that sort of thing. this is where people can really get hurt, and i don't mean just you on the steel toe of some guy's boot.

sure, if some married chick wants to bang you, that's her decision, but if she torches her life and you know you were the one who lit the match, that might prove hard to carry around.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
TOKEN ---> Super YES ? Waste of Money?
Posted: 11/19/2016 12:57:49 PM
^^^ more proof that negging works!
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Why is it so hard to get conversation from some men?
Posted: 11/12/2016 11:32:01 PM
welcome to OLD, where no one is required to behave as you wish. that's all to the good, though. these guys who bore you are self-selecting out of your dating pool, leaving you to focus on the prospects with more potential. you should thank them.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Just ask in a profile?
Posted: 11/12/2016 8:06:56 PM

Girls don't want too much information broadcast in cyberspace and that is wise.

agreed, but 'just ask' is not the only option for discretion. a great number of people miss the point of profiles. their purpose is not to info-dump private details, just to give a glimpse of the person that's interesting enough to prompt someone to send an email.

a woman (or man) can write a narrative that's charming as hell without revealing a single bit of sensitive info, if she knows how to do tone and subject choice.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Confused about this girl
Posted: 11/12/2016 11:13:57 AM
why don't you ask her why the seeming contradiction. if you get no answer, there's your answer. but trying to discern a coherent trail from a single online footprint is a fool's errand.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Just ask in a profile?
Posted: 11/11/2016 12:04:16 AM
trying to read the minds of strangers can be kinda fun or kinda annoying, depending on your propensity to project. if you find the 'just ask' profiles annoying, probably best for your sanity to move on as quickly as possible.

If someone has a very generic profile that just states their name, age, city, and a few interest that just about 99% of the world shares, I really have nothing to say to them.

then don't. no one is required to conform to your notions of profile construction, just as you are not required to conform to theirs. you know which kind of profile narrative you don't like; the obvious course is to focus on the other ones.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How long after the divorce....
Posted: 11/9/2016 10:43:14 PM
the simple answer you're looking for does not exist, because people and their emotions are not simple. you will simply have to be patient and let the knowledge acquisition of courtship happen in its own time.

if you've been dating for the paltry period of a month and are already thinking, 'i need to know if this guy can commit,' you're not taking things anything like slow. at a month of dating, the picture you have of someone is about 5 percent who they really are and 95 percent your projections and hopes and desires.

why don't you just enjoy the moment with this guy while keeping your eyes open for dealbreakers, which is the point of courtship anyway? the true questions about whether someone is relationship material aren't answered until you've seen them at their worst. a quality prospect isn't going to show you that for six months to a year into dating, which is typically when people relax out of their best behavior. if you see someone at their worst during the initial bliss period, you know they're not right.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
is asking if interested considered needy?
Posted: 11/7/2016 2:02:40 PM
the flaw in your question is you think you can determine her interest based on what she SAYS. wrong. there's probably no area of human interaction more prone to little white polite lies than dating.

instead, make your determination from how she ACTS. ask her out again, using specifics: propose a day, time and place to get together. if she says yes, you're golden. if she makes an excuse without an immediate counteroffer, you're being told a little white polite lie, and you wish her well and move on to the next prospect.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
She leaves...
Posted: 11/6/2016 2:47:03 PM

Always abusive people she had to run from.

and you'll be one of them, if you insist on forcing yourself onto her.

and anyway, what's so attractive about a woman who's willing to 'make shit up' to get rid of you? besides the poon, that is. and on that score, you'll forget her precisely one nanosecond after you find someone else to have sex with, so don't do anything now you and liargirl will regret.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 30 (view)
 
What kind of activities to plan for a day and half date?
Posted: 11/5/2016 11:30:50 PM

Anything I should do to reinforce that maybe give me a chance?

if you need to be 'given a chance,' you're already sunk. find a woman who sees you as HER big chance, not some marginal prospect praying to be thrown a bone.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Warning to the Ladies
Posted: 11/5/2016 7:38:09 PM

He "pretends" to want marriage but all he wants is sex.


He WAS a tease as in leading a girl on in a sensual way and not putting out.

you're no alpha. part of being an alpha is having confidence in your truth, but you had none, so you tried to make your case with a lie.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
topless pics, or
Posted: 10/31/2016 2:43:22 AM

ummm...just because a woman has her tits falling out doesnt mean that she does not deserve respect and a good man. wow..what a mindset you have.


i'd suggest you reread the op and my post for context, but it didn't work the first time, did it?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
topless pics, or
Posted: 10/30/2016 3:23:43 PM
if we are to believe profile narratives and drop-down menu choices, 999 out a thousand women on here who post photos in which their tits are falling out of their negligee as they lie on their bed are looking for noble, uplifting, soul-to-soul, lifelong connection.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How can I avoid encountering men who only want one thing , while still waiting for dates from good guys?
Posted: 10/30/2016 1:47:58 PM

Approximately 92 per cent of the men, given the option, would like to have sex without any sort of mental connection or emotional involvement whatsoever.


i can't speak to your personal experience, but let's bring a touch of nuance to the subject. many men certainly are willing to have sex with a woman they are not emotionally involved with, but note this is not the same as rejecting emotional connection. some simply have a different notion than you of what constitutes a horse and what constitutes a cart. physical intimacy can be part of what establishes emotional intimacy.

this is not to imply that anyone who feels otherwise shouldn't. just that there are other possibilities than the cynical, easy assumption of motive.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
How can I avoid encountering men who only want one thing , while still waiting for dates from good guys?
Posted: 10/29/2016 11:09:52 PM
allow me to restate your question:

'how can i get what i want quickly and easily, without having to do the scutwork that almost everyone on here is doing?'

the answer is, you can't, unless you are extremely lucky. online dating is a slog that rewards the tenacious. you will have to sift through lots of candidates, and suck up lots of dead ends, like most everyone else who approaches this with realistic expectations.

you've been here less than three weeks. in online dating terms, that's the blink of an eye. get used to the idea that you will spend months reading initial notes from guys and engaging in exchanges that last one or two or three emails and fizzle. stop wasting your time on marginal candidates, those whose behavior you have to 'look past.' just move on to the next and accept that such churn is the norm.

most of all, don't imagine an impatient approach is going to produce anything besides frustration.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
What happened to him
Posted: 10/26/2016 12:05:29 PM

I was genuinely curious because he paid so much attention to me day and night then he went like ghost mode in the blink of an eye lol literally.


messaging, like every other aspect of courtship, is an exploratory process. in every interaction, we are gathering information about the other person to determine whether he or she has the qualities we want - or don't want. every new bit of info we discover involves mentally swiping left or right. when someone cuts contact, it can indicate they've discovered something they don't want.

you've ghosted a hundred people in person, in the romantic context or just general interaction, when they've done something that told you you wanted no further interaction. we all have. did you make a point of telling them directly you had no intention of further interaction? of course not. you just excused yourself at some point and initiated no further contact.

get used to the idea that anything you do or say on here can be a dealbreaker, whether you think it should be or not, so you shouldn't be surprised or take it personally if things don't go as you want.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
exclusive?
Posted: 10/16/2016 4:43:45 PM

You need to prove yourself as trustworthy to gain my trust. You can do this by being non-pushy, respectful, reliable, consistent, honest, vulnerable, and committing. Not all straight away obviously, but at appropriate times. You also need to be direct and honest so i don't get mixed signals or confused.


this kind of nonsense is a dog whistle for players. you've given them the short course on how to fake the behavior that unlocks your panties.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Insight
Posted: 9/11/2016 2:37:17 PM
two takes on this.

first, test-driving a bunch of prospects without success, as you've been doing, is to be expected. most people do not hit the lottery and find just the right person in short order. especially if they're in a position like yours, where you've had a long-term relationship to learn all sorts of things about people that you don't want, which is going to narrow the pool of prospects.

second, you're at an age where a lot of people start to get serious about learning who they really are and what they really want from life. you might consider framing your question about what you're doing 'wrong' in dating in this light.

we all grow up with a certain script about what constitutes fulfillment, provided by our parents and media/societal messages and so forth. when people hit their 30s, they've had a chance to try out that person they thought perfectly fit the script, and try out that job or profession they thought perfectly fit the script. many who find they're not fulfilled start questioning that script. they may start to examine the assumptions that drive their beliefs about how the world works, find those assumptions don't fit, and look for new ones. they may look at whether the way they manage their emotions is what's most effective. they may consult therapists or clergypeople or self help books. the personal growth that can result often drives people toward new, more fulfilling ways of looking at relationships of all kinds, which can help determine what kind of prospect personality type works best. this can also lead people into new social groups, where they start meeting people more in tune with who they really are, who are more likely to fit the prospect profile they're looking for.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Is he interested?
Posted: 9/10/2016 7:49:10 PM
the essence of initial courtship is uncertainty.

it's a dance where people will typically move a tiny bit closer to the other person, stop, gauge the reaction (usually just as tiny as what's being reacted to), and decide whether they want to cut bait or make another tiny move. depending on how shy or impetuous or hungry both people are, this cycle can be repeated many times before any kind of definitive statement of interest is made. so the best way for people to undergo this process without going insane is to figure out a way to be comfortable with the uncertainty.

one way is simply to not get too invested in the other person. don't stake too much emotion on the other person giving you what you want. then if they don't, it not this big crushing letdown.

important parts of that are confidence and patience. the confident person tends not to get overly invested because if a prospect doesn't work out, they know someone will eventually. if someone is patient, they're ok with not getting what they want right now, which again helps them keep their emotions in check.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
How many times do I have to be the one to invite before getting invited?
Posted: 9/4/2016 2:40:58 PM

I don't want to cut a promising relationship off too soon

as aintnotdeal said, consider whether you're too quick to find things 'promising,' let alone thinking you're in a 'relationship.' reserve the former judgment until you see nonpassive behavior.


I suppose if I'm really head-over-heels for a woman I'll probably give her more chances,


why would you let yourself get head over heels before a woman has even let you know whether you're worth the effort of asking out?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Horrible at communication/texting or not interested?
Posted: 9/3/2016 1:15:37 PM

But even on the times he does text me first to say whats up or share some funny little comment, i'll respond and then he will just drop the convo?

not sure what you're expecting here. do you want a text that's a formal statement of termination of the conversation? is that the way you conduct text exchanges with your GFs or family members? or do they sometimes just trail off because people can have other, more immediate demands on their attention that text chitchat, like a class convening or having to take care of a customer or watching the road, stuff like that?
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Did I intimidate him?
Posted: 9/3/2016 10:09:40 AM

Am I intimidating

assuming this is true, do you want to be with a guy who's intimidated?

if the answer is yes, continue to beat your head against this guy's wall, rather than focus on all those other people you say you could be with, some of whom presumably would not be 'intimidated.'
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
I love you, no I won't friend you, 3 months into it, WTH??
Posted: 9/2/2016 10:12:11 PM

at 46, you do not get to "allow" squat. I'm a partner, or I become your past, period.


does that work both ways? if a man applies the label of 'partner' to you, are you then stripped of any and all right to say no to him?

there will always be things we allow no one to do, even a partner. those are our personal boundaries, and no one is more deserving of boundary respect than those we claim to care about.

ironic that you bring up age, since the inability to acknowledge the value of boundaries is so often a hallmark of the very young - people who haven't figured out their own individuality, and so can't grasp individuality within relationships.

but then, you don't really want him for a partner, do you? you want him for a possession. because at three months of dating, a 46 year old should be aware that she knows very little about the other person. and no one in balance wants to invest partner status in someone they know very little of.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Would a non interested guy text this?
Posted: 9/1/2016 8:56:24 AM

.Hey..I am just trying to give honest advice..on men and dating

no, you're giving biased advice. feelings are not facts. the op has presented no unambiguous evidence of falsehood or malice on this guy's part, yet you are immediately willing to assassinate his character by insinuating he's a cheater. it takes more to be a 'cheater' than to want a woman less than she wants him, which is what's happening here.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Would a non interested guy text this?
Posted: 8/31/2016 10:57:01 PM

I honestly would be shocked if he was NOT married



Dont believe what everyone says to you,



Dont believe what everyone says to you,



Dont believe what everyone says to you,



Dont believe what everyone says to you,



Dont believe what everyone says to you,


funny shit.

op, there's no need to speculate or project suspicions or put a stethoscope to your own gut or anything like that. you just look at the actions.

the guy has told you how he wants to interact with you. he really likes texting. he somewhat likes skype. he vetoes opportunities to meet. the reasons are unimportant. it sounds like what you want is to actually interact with a guy in person. since you can meet 'anyone in your city,' that's what you should be doing.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
I love you, no I won't friend you, 3 months into it, WTH??
Posted: 8/31/2016 10:38:44 PM
i wonder consider a practical aspect first. the guy works an unpredictable schedule that includes ridiculous hours, and he has kids. you may be happy for now with an hour here, a couple orgasms there, but what do you imagine you're going to be getting in the future? probably not enough to keep up with your already-ballooning expectations, which can be seen in your outrage at not hitting 'relationship' markers like facebook tribute and being paraded before family. you're already so possessive and suspicious that you have no problem with stalking his hangouts and interrogating his known associates like some kind of amateur gumshoe.

regardless of whether any of your suspicions are true, you seem unable to grasp the giant incompatibility they point to. only three months together and you're already dipping into the well of crazy, when you two should still be in your orgasm/oxytocin/endorphin bliss.

unless, of course, the drama that comes with such incompatibility is your real payoff.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 50 (view)
 
When men say need to find out sexually compatable?
Posted: 8/28/2016 7:26:39 PM
there seem to be two ideas in play here. one is conditional respect and the other is conditional personal integrity. the second is not necessarily a consequence of the first, although it sounds like you're saying it is, and that this is the trait by which all who practice conditional respect can be defined as criminals against society.

As soon as you start playing games with who you do and don't "award" respect to ... You have joined the group where we also keep dictators, serial killers, rapists, bullies, and other destructive riff raff.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What online dating does to people
Posted: 8/28/2016 12:58:49 PM
your rant is identical to the one frequently aired by women: online dating makes men kids in candy stores who don't know a good catch who's right under their nose, it turns them into players who never have to 'buy the cow,' it ruins their ability to focus and fold a conversation, it leaves women no choice but to become cynics, blah blah.

it has nothing to do with the medium. you get rejected just as often in real life, you just perceive it at a subtler, subconscious level, so it generates a subtler emotional reaction than when you realize yet another message is not going to be returned.


The catch 22 is that women do not like players, angry men, or men with no confidence. In other words, they do not like men who online date.

i'd guess i'd better keep the gf i met here seven years ago away from this thread, lest she find out i'm a scheming, insecure rager.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Getting shy women to open up?
Posted: 8/28/2016 12:42:00 PM

I know I have told guys that one of my friends likes them just to mess with them and try to have a fun night. NOT to insult him or anything like that, just to have another stranger hang out at the table with us and have a good time.


the thoughts and actions described here are those of the person we warn our daughters about when they go off to college: the stranger in a bar willing to lie in the context of attraction as long as a 'fun night' and a 'good time' can be had from it.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 46 (view)
 
When men say need to find out sexually compatable?
Posted: 8/28/2016 11:54:19 AM

Respect is a complicated and very important element of our society.

It is a fundamental requirement for any genuinely free society, that EVERYONE respect EVERYONE ELSE.

You've declared yourself to be self-centered and judgmental, nothing more.

complicated indeed, and i wonder if you're taking a simplistic view of aintnodeal's statement and making a consequent judgment. it's possible to respect a person's societal rights while withholding respect for their beliefs and actions. either because one doesn't know what those are, or because they're not respectable. note that withholding respect in the absence of data is not the same as contempt.

aintnodeal also said he affords courtesy freely as part of 'common human decency.' that's an acknowledgement of rights that go deeper than even the obligations of genuinely free society.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Is chemistry effected by how long you wait to meet in person?
Posted: 8/28/2016 10:40:08 AM
i would say what you are noticing is the difference between an actual affinity and a false one.

we receive a lot of unconscious information about someone when we interact in person. body language, pheromones, eye contact, that sort of thing. every bit of that information is lost in text/email, and most by phone. the longer we communicate with someone where that info is missing, the more likely we are to make assumptions to fill in those blanks - to start to create a fantasy of this person. when we finally meet the person and find out some, most or all those assumptions were wrong and the deal is off, there's a level of disappointment that isn't there when people meet quickly, because they haven't had time to construct this fantasy 'bond.'

the difference wasn't in the 'chemistry,' because there wasn't enough, regardless of how long you waited to meet. it was in the beginnings of an emotional attachment to a fantasy rather than a real person.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Writing messages to men
Posted: 8/28/2016 9:50:55 AM
if i'm you, i would consider whether the profile advice i'm getting here really suits who i am and what i want.

people here will give you a thousand bits of advice on profile tinkering based on what THEY want to see and how THEY interpret certain elements - make the narrative short, don't be 'pushy,' don't let other people into your photos, etc. - but they're not the one you are crafting your page for. that person is you.

so if you don't want to reveal much about yourself, and want to date a man who shares that sensibility, keep it short. if you actually have a lot to say and want a man who's open to that, play it that way. the last thing a person wants is to follow someone else's surefire presentation advice at the expense of her own individuality and sensibilities, and get passed over by the person who actually wanted that individuality and shared those sensibilities.

all that being said, here's my interpretation of your page: it's ordinary. it looks like any of 10,000 other pages on here, and the second-worst way any online dater can appear is ordinary. every person seeking a relationship comes on here looking for a terrific man or woman. few realize they also need to be terrific, including how they present themselves in a dating profile, to get that person's attention.

you are asking for a relationship. any person who wants that should be offering a hell of a lot, because a relationship is a hell of a lot to ask. do you want to know if a guy is a respectful communicator, can give and take in the disagreements and conflicts of a relationship, requires a spotless house, would rather spend money on travel or is saving everything for retirement? because a guy who knows what a long-term relationship demands is going to want to know that stuff about you. or is all you care about what he likes to eat or what he does in his free time? because that's the majority of the info i see you offering on your page.

again, if playing your cards this close to your chest at the profile level is really who you are, you're fine. if it's not - and add to that you're not happy with your results on here - you might reassess your approach.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Asking What to Do on a First Date Ahead of the Date?
Posted: 8/23/2016 11:08:24 PM
those of you who keep up with the news might recognize this as the behavior we are teaching our young men going to college. under 'affirmative consent' policies in place at hundreds of universities, they have to mumble this buzzkilling checklist to any female student they approach or risk being tarred as sex offenders over the least physical contact, even if it's mutually desired in the moment.

in my state, the laws governing public university sexual assault policies specifically hack to bits, burn to a crisp and then piss on the ashes of a pillar of american jurisprudence, the presumption of innocence. anyone accused of sexual assault carries the burden of proving they were not guilty.

the op's revulsion for such courtship tactics, and the disdain of the rest of this thread, shows how unsatisfactory so many people find this as a solution to the real problem of campus sexual assault.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I found a way to overcome my shyness
Posted: 8/23/2016 12:14:02 PM
if you're making this much progress with booze, think how much more is possible with heroin and a few roofies.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Is this normal for online dating?
Posted: 8/23/2016 10:57:29 AM
the messaging phase of online dating tends to be very, very different for women than for men, especially if those women are young like you. here's how.

typically, young women create a profile, then sit back and do nothing, seeing what washes up on their beach. since they are often impatient (like young men) and obsessed with the prince charming fantasy, they'll look at those first couple dozen offers, pick out the best few candidates, scrutinize their profiles endlessly, analyze their pros and cons (mostly imagined) endlessly, discuss them with their gfs endlessly, decide on what looks like the best candidate, and reply. by this time, they have become so invested in the guy as the centerpiece of their fantasy of instant lifelong monogamy and concurrent emotional fulfillment, and can't conceive that the guy wouldn't feel the same way, they believe they have some kind of mutual ownership based on pure and noble love, and wouldn't dream of betraying that by looking at other men's profiles.

young men, on the other hand, will typically experience the initial phase of online dating this way. they'll scrutinize profiles, send out a few messages, wait a few days for replies, and get none. slightly baffled but undaunted, they'll remessage a few of those women, just in case they were asleep and the message got lost or something, plus try a few more profiles, and wait for replies, but not as long this time. they will get none.

starting to feel frustrated, they'll try a new round of candidates, broadening the pool to include some women who aren't quite as hot. maybe one will reply. now the guy thinks he's getting somewhere. he replies to the reply, but the conversation dies out after two or three exchanges. now both frustrated and encouraged, he sends out an even larger blast of messages, plus tries again with a few of the nonreplies. he realizes he's spending a lot of time and effort paging through profiles and sending out emails for not much payoff. he gets back another reply or two, which might even progress to talk of a date, but in the end go nowhere.

he sends out yet another blast. in this round, he encounters you. you eventually reply, with all your expectations and projections and emotional investment, and a conversation gets off the ground, and even an agreement to go on a date. by this time, though, the guy has learned that most first contacts fizzle, and he doesn't want to wait around cooling his heels for what has been established as a low probability of getting anywhere. he knows by now he's involved in a numbers game, pure and simple, so he keeps working contacts, unburdened by any love-at-first-sight/contact fantasy notions.

that's how your experience can differ from that of the guy you're talking with, and why he might be acting in a way that seems baffling and slightly suspicious.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is he intrested..?
Posted: 8/20/2016 6:28:18 PM

Was it rude to not contact him when I said I would?

he might have been interested, and hasn't quite learned what a brushoff looks like. it can take people a long time to figure out that in the social world, anything but a yes equals a no.

be that as it may, you can find the answer to your question by putting the shoe on the other foot. let's say you were interested in some guy, and you put yourself out there a few times to initiate some interaction, took a little bit of a social risk, and he either ignored your offers or said yes and then didn't follow through. when you realized you'd been blown off, would you consider him rude?
 
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