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 Author Thread: 50% of women don't want children?
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 167 (view)
 
50% of women don't want children?
Posted: 5/8/2011 10:29:07 AM
Unfortunately, it's the bright, intelligent, career minded women who are increasingly opting out of motherhood. Not sure if that is cleaning up the gene pool or just removing a portion of the good stuff from it.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 31 (view)
 
The twin bed dilemma
Posted: 9/26/2010 12:11:13 PM
College dorms come with twin beds and the students manage plenty of sleepovers without complaints about the bed size. The parties are more interested in the deed than the setting. Bed size is only a big deal if you need room to stretch out afterwards or keep kicking your partner in your sleep.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Overly Dependent Grown Ups
Posted: 9/26/2010 11:52:54 AM
I've run into a few like this. I have a fairly distant relationship from any of my family so I try to take that into perspective with people who are close to their families when deciding if it they are too dependent for my taste.

The ones that stick out in my mind are:
1. the guy I dated who was obsessed with his mother. When he moved into a new apartment, the first thing he did was hang a portrait of her over his bed. He also had her framed wedding portrait and marriage certificate on the wall of his living room. Everything he did was dictated by her wants and schedule. He was constantly breaking dates with me because she called and wanted to see him.

2. The coworker I used to sit next to who called each of her three grown children (from work) at least twice a day just to check in. She wouldn't give them enough room to live their own lives and had to know what they were up to at any given moment. (One of them was married with kids of his own.)
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Whose house do you sleep at and why?
Posted: 3/21/2010 7:27:01 AM
I prefer my house. My last SO's house was a biohazard. He never made his bed and allowed his dog on the bed so there were always suspicious stains on the sheets. He always claimed he had washed the sheets earlier that day but they never smelled like detergent and if I went to the washer/dryer, the laundry I had started for him the week before was still in the machines! A little messy I can deal with but dirty is a different story. Dirty to the point of health hazard is not acceptable.

My house isn't perfect but at his house, I was afraid to use the bathroom as it was always filthy and the only TP was the package I had bought after realizing he didn't use any!

Let's just say that the sexy factor died quickly in that relationship and it quickly downgraded to "just friends."

As long as the housekeeping is decent and he doesn't live with his mom, I'm happy to trade off between sleepovers. It gets a little old if you ALWAYS have to go to his place or he ALWAYS comes to yours. And running into his parents when you are trying to quietly leave the next morning is an experience I'd like to leave behind in my high school days.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 94 (view)
 
The Dumbest Thing You've Ever Done For Love...
Posted: 3/3/2010 4:04:38 PM
I agree though in my case, it was the guy who was broken.

I was dating a guy who had just returned from an overseas deployment. While he was gone, the person he had appointed to oversee his financial matters had stolen all of his money and run off. So he was spending all of his time (and money) trying to straighten out back child support, house payments, etc. Before he had left, he had put an expensive leather jacket on layaway. The store called to tell him they still had it but they had held it way too long and were going to have to release it and keep his deposit.

Long story short, it was his birthday that week and he told me he didn't have the money to pick it up. He had been hoping his best friend would help him out and pay off the balance for him since it was difficult for him to find jackets like that to fit his frame. The best friend didn't. I heard about that jacket several times over a couple of weeks. How else was I supposed to interpret that except that he was hinting that I should pick it up??

So I tracked down the store and paid off the balance. I stopped by his house and asked his roommate to hang it in his closet. I didn't want it to be a big deal. (Honestly, it was more than I would have normally spent on a gift that early in a relationship but special circumstances......)

Anyway, the guy freaked out. He tried to get me to pick it up and return it. (Store had a no returns policy so I said no.) He couldn't believe that I would just do something to be nice and insisted I must have an ulterior motive....like I wanted an engagement ring. I was just trying to help out. I never heard from him again. After what women had done to him in the past (a couple of "oops" babies), he just didn't trust any women.

The funny thing was: before I did this, I asked all of my guy friends for their opinion. They all told me that I would be the best girlfriend in the world. After the fact, they all told me I was crazy and that it was too much, too soon.

Oh well, live and learn.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
still not stable after age 30.
Posted: 3/1/2010 4:05:38 PM
My family moved a lot when I was a kid so I don't feel a particular attachment to any particular place. A few years ago, I tossed a dart at a map and moved to my current location. By that point, my parents had sold our latest family home and purchased a retirement condo in another state and my sister had moved to a different state. Planting roots or living near family is just something none of us has ever done.

I don't have and never plan to have kids so I have the freedom to move if I want. I'm lucky to have a career and education that will allow me to find work if I decide to relocate again. I consider myself stable---I've completed my education, I've always been gainfully employed, I'm careful with my money, etc. But I do have a bit of wanderlust in me that makes me antsy for a change after being in one place for a few years. Could that be overridden if I met the right partner? Probably. But since it hasn't happened, I keep my options open if a new career opportunity presents itself in another city or state.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How to explain that you aren't into texting?
Posted: 2/27/2010 10:04:20 AM

Texting is for 12 year old girls.


I respectfully disagree. While a phone conversation is preferred, there are times when just a quick text message is easier for me. For example, when I am at work, sending and receiving a text message is much easier and less disruptive than trying to call and interrupt someone else at their job. My boss is not keen on employees carrying on personal phone conversations during work hours on company time. However, a quick message exchange such as: "What time are we meeting for dinner?" and "7 pm" is permissible.

I am not the type who texts incessantly and do not use texting to carry on full conversations. When I review my monthly phone usage, it is rare that I sent/received more than 30 texts but it is still a valuable means of communication.

It all comes back to knowing your audience and knowing what is appropriate for your surroundings at the time. Everything has its time and place.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
New study on fertility...30 years old
Posted: 2/26/2010 4:11:11 PM
Since I don't want kids, I don't think this study will have much of an impact on my behavior.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Deal breaker pets
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:48:32 PM
My pet has been a dealbreaker in the past. I used to have a very large, very protective, insane German shepherd. (Three different experts told me she was incredibly intelligent but bat sh!t crazy) Most guys couldn't deal with her. (Best match ever was when I started dating a military K9 handler..he was one of the few she respected and obeyed.)

At one point, I had a guy flat out tell me it was him or the dog. I chose the dog. My feeling was this: when I adopted her as a puppy, I made a commitment to the animal. Due to her particular quirks, there was no way she would have had a happy ending if I gave her up and I would forever feel guilty. The guy would find another girl but the dog would have a much slimmer chance of finding another owner who would deal with her craziness. She has since passed on but I would never ask someone to chose between a potential mate and a cherished pet.

Like the guy in the OP's story, I like cats but I wouldn't want to have one around. I'm somewhat allergic and my current dog is afraid of them.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Put off becuase of what i like?
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:27:17 AM
I'm extremely cautious when I hear a man say he is addicted to WOW. I dated a guy like that and I got tired of him breaking dates because his guild scheduled a raid. It got to the point where I had to go to his place if I wanted to see him because he couldn't bear to be away from his computer for a few hours. I enjoy playing games myself but when the game is taking priority over the person you are dating, it becomes an issue.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
If a student is dating a person with a good salary, should they still go 50/50?
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:26:49 AM
I've been in this situation. Actually, I was in school for my MBA and working full time but the guy I was seeing wasn't working or in school so I was the only one with an income. Things were ok for a while: we would alternate on picking up the tab. Neither of us really kept track of who spent what....we just knew we were roughly equal and didn't need to go out to fancy places.

The problems came on those special occasions when I really wanted to do something that would cost a bit of money: opera performance, concert, sporting event, milestone birthday celebration, weekend getaway, etc. In those instances, my options were: buy both tickets/cover the expense for the entire event myself, go with someone else who could pay their share, or deny myself the opportunity to do something that was important to me. None of those are great options and it got old. I make decent money for the lifestyle I lead but not enough to support two people. I have a special account that I put money into weekly to give myself an allowance for fun events but it is not designed to continuously cover the expenses for both people.

I don't think you can say that the person who makes more should pay more. They may be able to afford more but after a while, that person will begin to feel that the other person is just along for the ride and not contributing their share. Be honest about what you can and can't afford. But definitely make an effort to contribute to the expense of your entertainment and don't expect someone to just pay for you all the time.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Do you tell them straight away????
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:41:29 PM

I personally would not tell a person i a have kids until i have gone out on at least 1 or 2 dates and established that i can see myself seeing that person again. if i go out on a date with someone and realise i don't really feel that way about them they don't really need to know that i have kids.


That is so unbelievably dishonest and selfish. What if the person you are seeing is not interested in dating a person with kids? You have just wasted their time while you tried to see if you felt like dating them further. He may not have been interested in a single date with you if he knew you had kids so this is definitely something that should be disclosed up front. You don't have to give a lot of details about your kids to a stranger but should definitely mention their existence and priority in your life.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 104 (view)
 
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:28:23 PM
I really don't think the legal or tax aspects are silly. Both demonstrate that you are still tied to your former partner.

I just want to meet someone who is free to enter into a new relationship fully. If a man has not extricated himself completely from his previous relationship (marriage or otherwise), I'm not interested. I'm not looking to meet someone and elope immediately but I know how long it takes to pick up the pieces after a divorce, particularly in a community property state like mine. So waiting for someone to complete a divorce and then complete the recovery process is not that great of an option. It wouldn't be waiting 6 months, it would be waiting 3-4 years before it's even an option. That's assuming that the divorce is actually moving forward. After reading some of these boards, it seems that some people are content to remain separated forever and never go through with the divorce even though they claim the marriage has been ended for years. To me, that just seems horribly unfair to the new partner who may wish to get married at some point. But hey, to each his own. As long as both people know what they are getting into......

Several years ago, I discovered that the guy I had just started seeing was married.....though he swore he was about to file for divorce. (He never did) It wasn't a pretty scene. After that, I won't even consider anyone unless they are 100% available....not partially married, not kinda divorced, not somewhat separated. Either never married or 100% divorced. For me, there's just no middle ground.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 121 (view)
 
Why some men never want marry?
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:36:56 PM
I want to meet someone and settle down but I don't want kids. I just don't have a kid-friendly lifestyle and I'm not willing to make the kind of compromises and sacrifices they would require.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 100 (view)
 
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:17:14 PM
Legally speaking:
separated = still married. period. The emotional relationship may be over but you are still legally married to that person and not free to enter into a new marriage with a new person.

According to the IRS, there are only a few ways to represent yourself on your tax returns.
There are:
Married, filing jointly
Married, filing separately
Single
Head of Household
Until you are fully and finally divorced, you HAVE to file your taxes as married so why should you be able to represent yourself differently in the dating world? "Individuals are considered married if they were legally married and not legally separated under a decree of divorce as of the last day of the tax year."---IRS website

If I'm hoping to meet someone I click with and want to get married myself eventually, why the heck would I waste my time with someone who was still married to someone else? I want to meet someone who is free to enter into a new marriage if that's where the relationship leads so I avoid separated men. End the first relationship fully and then talk to me.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
parental contact after the nest is left--how often do you speak to your kids?
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:45:19 PM
I talk to my parents once every week or two. I talk to my sister about once a year (we don't get along well). I see my parents for a few days every other year. We all live in different states and have never been particularly close. My grandparents stopped talking to me after they called me three times in a row and I didn't initiate a call to them that month. (My grandma keeps score on who calls whom. In my defense, I was 22, going to school full time, working full time, and trying to have a social life. My cousins call her daily so by comparison, I looked really bad.)

I have a co-worker who calls her grown children at least twice a day to "check in with them" and that seems a bit extreme for me.

I have declined to be Facebook friends with my mom because there are some things I'm comfortable sharing with my friends on there but that are really none of my mom's business.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Teenager determined to get pregnant?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:35:06 AM
It may not be more common, just that we are seeing it more publicly.

I was born in 1977 to a teen mother who was sent to a home for unwed mothers and forced to put me up for adoption. No one outside her immediate family knew about me.

My high school had nearly 4000 students and 97% of the students attended college immediately after HS graduation. Teen pregnancy was not tolerated. I knew of two girls who got pregnant and were immediately sent to the "alternative" high school with all of the special discipline problem kids. If there were any other pregnancies, they were quietly ended and no one knew about it.

It seems that Hollywood has declared babies to be the hot new accessory so more and more young girls are having and keeping babies. It does not help that all of the young starlets are touting the joys of motherhood on every magazine cover. I've heard that some schools make special arrangements for child care and other accomodations for students with kids. My concern is that study after study has linked young parenthood with inadequate education and higher poverty levels but people are still going to do whatever they want without considering the long term effects and consequences. I do know people who have made it work but they are far from the typical situation.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Single Mothers Adopting?
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:33:44 AM
I have friends who have adopted through the foster care system and are currently fostering another baby. There is a lot of red tape to work through. Lots of meetings with social workers, court motions, and visitation with the bio parents. It's a hassle but they feel the reward of helping these kids is worth it. They have had some kids who were returned to the bio parents so they have to walk the fine line between loving and nurturing the kids but being able to give them back.

I do know single mothers who have adopted. My only concern there is that the parent has the time for the child. I knew one woman who adopted a baby and put her in daycare for 60+ hours a week while she worked. In that case, it seemed like the most selfish act in the world. She seemed to want the baby as a trendy accessory but didn't really have the time to raise her properly.

Just a couple more things. There are two major factors affecting the availability of adoptable kids right now: rising infertility and the loss of the stigma of unwed motherhood. The number of people who can't have kids is rising and the number of unwed mothers who keep their babies is rising. In basic economic terms: demand is up, supply is down......which makes the prices go up. The last statistic I saw was that there are between 85 - 100 couples trying to adopt for every healthy, white newborn relinquished for adoption. This is why the fees that private agencies charge have gone so high....people are so desperate for an infant that they will pay whatever is asked. Be careful and do your research before working with a private agency. Some are legit, some are not. I was talking to a guy who works at a state facility and he says they have lots of older kids but they are viewed as "damaged merchandise" by potential adopters who only want babies.

My final note is that if you do adopt, gather as much information from the parents as possible because the child may want to know about them someday. There is a trend toward open adoption where the parties are able to stay in contact with each other. The draconian closed adoption days seem to be ending. I was adopted as a newborn and my records are completely sealed by the court. Do you know how frustrating it is to not know anything about where you came from? I can't even answer the basic question of "what is your ethnic background." I have no medical information so we have to assume I'm at risk for all hereditary conditions and run extra tests every year. I don't know the circumstances that led to my birth and relinquishment. I am not permitted access to my original birth certificate. These are important things that all adoptees should be able to answer.

Good luck with your search. Just do your homework and get all the facts. :-)
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Is independence a truly desirable trait?
Posted: 9/19/2009 2:32:09 PM
I agree that we all need social interaction but I really prefer men who have cut the apron strings and live on their own. For me, independence means being able to manage your own affairs: pay the bills on time, hold a job, keep your home neat, do your own laundry, cook your own meals, make your own decisions, etc. We all need a social support system but that doesn't mean we have to live with them. I live in one state, my parents in another, and my sister in a third. My parents sold the family home while my sister and I were in college and moved to a much smaller place....there is no question of ever moving back in with them as there is no room for us so we are forced to grow up and take care of ourselves.

I've dated a couple of guys who were still so attached to their mothers it seemed like it was a three-way relationship. One guy had to seek her approval for every minor decision. He didn't live with her but he visited her house every couple of days, talked to her on the phone several times a day, and kept a framed portrait of her over his bed. He wasn't looking for a partner in a relationship, he was looking for another mother. I'm seeking a head of the household, take charge type guy, not a clingy guy who will transfer his dependency issues from his mother to me.

One guy lived with his mother and did manage to live a fairly independent life. There were still some boundary issues. For example, she would start a conversation with him while he was on the phone with me. But he made it clear that he had no plans to ever move out of her house and if things worked out between us, I was expected to move in with them. Ummm....no thanks. I want to have my own household with my partner, not become a part of his parents' place. But this conversation told me he was never willing to have his own place.

My other thought is that I don't want to meet a new guy's parents right away. If he lives at home, that means we have to always hang out at my place which just gets old. If I want to relax and make out with my guy in the living room, I don't want to have to worry about his parents walking in on us. It's just awkward to run into your guy's mom early the next morning after spending the night.

So, I think being able to be independent is important as far as taking care of your own basic daily needs. No one likes that person who is incapable of doing anything on their own. I had a friend who wouldn't even go to the ladies room in a restaurant by herself. But some of the most dependent people I've ever met were not necessarily the ones who were living at home.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Proselytizing
Posted: 9/15/2009 9:17:49 PM
I've gotten a couple lately. I just block and move on.

The emails don't really bother me but there is a local church in my area that stalks you in the parking lot at Walmart to try to convert you. They wait until you are loading your groceries into your car so they know you can't just walk away.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 47 (view)
 
How many of you would have a tubal ligation or vasectomy reversed for a second spouse
Posted: 9/10/2009 9:38:18 PM
I'm having a hard enough time finding a doctor who will tie my tubes. I don't want kids but my doctor won't do the tubal because I haven't had kids. She says I'll change my mind later and that I'm too young to make a life altering decision like not having kids. (I'm 32 and have been adamantly anti-kid since I was a teenager.) But I'll guarantee she doesn't give the same lecture about being too young to make a permanent decision to be or not be a parent to the pregnant 18 year old with the appointment after mine.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 46 (view)
 
vaccines=autism?????
Posted: 9/9/2009 6:11:09 PM
"Thimerosal has been removed from or reduced to trace amounts in all vaccines routinely recommended for children 6 years of age and younger, with the exception of inactivated influenza vaccine (see Table 1). A preservative-free version of the inactivated influenza vaccine (contains trace amounts of thimerosal) is available in limited supply at this time for use in infants, children and pregnant women. Some vaccines such as Td, which is indicated for older children (≥ 7 years of age) and adults, are also now available in formulations that are free of thimerosal or contain only trace amounts. Vaccines with trace amounts of thimerosal contain 1 microgram or less of mercury per dose."

http://www.fda.gov/BiologicsBloodVaccines/SafetyAvailability/VaccineSafety/UCM096228


"Some people believe increased exposure to thimerosal (from the addition of important new vaccines recommended for children) explains the higher prevalence in recent years. However, evidence from several studies examining trends in vaccine use and changes in autism frequency does not support such an association. Furthermore, a scientific review* by the Institute of Medicine (IOM) concluded that "the evidence favors rejection of a causal relationship between thimerosal-containing vaccines and autism." "

http://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/updates/thimerosal.htm
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Single vs. Divorced
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:18:09 AM
The rule used to be this:

If you have never been married, you are single.

Once you have been married, you are never single again. You are still married, separated, widowed, or divorced.

20 years ago, it would be whispered, that Bobby is dating a divorcee. However, since divorce has become so common, you rarely hear the word "divorcee" and it seems like most people are divorced and calling themselves single. The only time you have to worry is when the married/separated people are calling themselves single because that's just false advertising!

It seems that single has been adapted from one who has never been married to someone who is currently without a partner.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
kid's first job...
Posted: 9/5/2009 3:07:24 PM
It's not really your issue. It's between your daughter and her employer. She should have been the one to tell them she couldn't work late. If she's not available to work late, that should be the end of it. There's really no reason for rudeness but technically, she is the hired help. If she (not you) has an issue with the way she is being treated, she can seek another job. I know that in my area, desirable babysitters are snapped up in an instant.

When I used to babysit, there were a few times where I had to cancel on short notice. In those cases, I would call around to my friends to see who might be able to cover for me. Then I would give the parents their contact information so they didn't have to scramble to find a new babysitter. This extra step when a long way towards placating upset parents when I got sick or had an emergency situation.

Just keep in mind that while you and your family have plans, this other family has plans that depend on your daughter showing up to babysit. However, if they want to change the times at the last minute, they need to accept that she may not be available.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Dating a single mother with a baby
Posted: 9/5/2009 2:44:58 PM
^^^^ Also, with adoption, the parental rights of the biological parents are permanently terminated. No baby mama/daddy drama once the judge finalizes the adoption.

Adoption and raising a partner's existing kids are completely different in this regard.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
he forgot he wrote to me before
Posted: 9/5/2009 10:42:33 AM
I once had to remind a guy we'd dated a few times and slept together before when he emailed me on a different site. In his defense, it had been about 3 years since I'd seen him but was I really that forgettable??

I've gotten a few repeat emails on here but I just chalk it up to the guys who email everyone who pops up on their compatibility list without actually reading the profiles to see if it's a person they'd really like to meet.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 9/5/2009 10:27:47 AM
I'm giving up on my next birthday (33). I could use the extra time at the gym anyway.

I'm in my early 30s and don't want kids. I've found that most of the men my age who contact me fall into 3 groups: still in their first marriages, divorced with kids, or ready to start making kids. None of those will work for me. It's not about being picky, it's about compatibility and life goals.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
How come people don't get your kids come 1st?
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:22:14 PM
I get that kids come first but you didn't have 30 seconds to text her to tell her that your son was sick and you'd have to talk another time? Kids coming first should not erase common courtesy. Sending nasty replies was a bit much on her part but in her defense, did she spend all evening waiting by the phone for a call that never came, thinking you just blew her off?
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Am I being selfish...
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:14:30 PM
Not selfish as you are entitled to make your decisions regarding childbearing. However, you are not entitled to make his decision for him. If he wants a child of his own, he should be able to have one.....but that might mean it isn't with you and that he finds a different partner.

Wanting kids is an all or nothing proposition. If the two of you are absolutely on opposite sides of this fence, I hate to say it but it probably won't work for you. One will end up resentful over having his/her wishes/dreams denied by the other. If the relationship continues, one of you will cave in to the other and not be happy about.

I've been there and have been called selfish and worse because I have no interest in having kids. I had a wonderful relationship end in ruins after the man I was dating suddenly changed his mind about being child free and decided that his life wasn't complete unless he was a father. Having or not having kids is such a fundamental issue in a relationship that you have to agree on it completely with your partner for the relationship to have any chance of surviving.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Sometimes, it's NOT you, it IS your children...and why is it not
Posted: 8/29/2009 5:17:30 PM
"It is very difficult for many people to see their own children as anything less than wonderful. This may be a reason why some single parents cannot understand the reluctance on the part of some people when it comes to entering a dating relationship with them."

Not being able to see their kids as anything less than wonderful is why the person exiting the relationship comes up with a sugar-coated or politically correct excuse for the breakup. I believe in being honest but there is no reason to be cruel at the same time. I could make up some BS excuse about this not being the right time or not feeling the chemistry. Or I could be honest and let him know that I had a problem with the daughter's behavior and the lack of boundaries and discipline in the house. (Not bashing the child, just the behavior)

I was ok with entering the relationship knowing he had a daughter. I was not ok continuing the relationship after I met her and saw how she manipulated her parents. I was compatible with him, I was not compatible with her. The problem wasn't that there was a child, the problem in my particular situation was this specific child.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Sometimes, it's NOT you, it IS your children...and why is it not
Posted: 8/29/2009 2:17:51 PM
Once bitten, twice shy in my case. Several years ago, I dated a man with a young daughter. We took things slowly and I did not meet his daughter until we had been dating for about 6 months. After meeting her, I quickly realized that she had him completely wrapped around her little finger. At 7 years old, she was an absolute terror. After a few more months, I realized I loved the man but absolutely could not stand his child. It wasn't a childless/parent issue. It was a problem with that particular child.

I know that dating a parent is a package deal but when one part of the package continually throws public shrieking temper tantrums, is rude, spiteful, openly hates you, and so on, sometimes you have to let the entire package go, particularly since the parent saw no problem with this behavior. It wasn't about the time, financial, ex-wife involvement, not ready for a family, etc issues that frequently come up. It was strictly about this child being a spoiled brat and her father's unwillingness to deal with it.

I was honest when I broke up with him. It was hard to tell him I was breaking up with him because of his kid. "I love you but I can't stand your daughter" doesn't exactly sit well with someone who thinks his kid hung the moon and can do no wrong. Of course, he immediately turned it around on me....it was all my fault, she was his princess, I was a selfish b**** if I didn't like her, how could I have an opinion on acceptable behavior when I didn't have kids of my own..... If it was just the two of us, we might have made it but as a threesome, it just wasn't going to work. It was healthier for all for me to walk away than to have the constant tension in the relationship.

After that, I dated a couple of other single fathers and after a couple more bad experiences....not kid related but baby mamma related, I decided that kids were just not for me. Now I'm very upfront about my preference to only date child-free men.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Battle of the Sexes
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:17:43 AM
Because clearly there was a breakup between the couple but they still have to deal with each other because of the child(ren) they created. Without kids in the mix, you can break up and go your separate ways. With kids, there is a permanent bond to a person who may have dumped you, cheated on you, treated you poorly, or that you simply can not stand.

And I think we've all encountered (or heard about) the extreme ends of the spectrum in these situations and decided that all custodial/non-custodial relationships must be like that. I've met all sorts along the way. I've seen some really bad behavior from alleged adults and I've seen some former couples who are able to work things out and remain on relatively pleasant terms.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 28 (view)
 
What would it take to ask an adult child to move out?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:21:53 PM
As soon as my sister and I were both away at college, my parents sold the house and moved to a retirement village in another state. They have a guest room we can use when we come to visit but there is no question of ever moving back in with them. Living with the parents as an adult was never an option up for discussion. We were expected to become self sufficient and live on our own.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What does Does not want children mean?
Posted: 6/30/2009 5:31:57 PM
It depends on the person.

For me, it means I do not want kids at all. I don't want to have kids of my own and I don't want a partner with kids. I'm just not a kid person and it's my preference.

For many others, it means they do not want to have any more kids but are ok with existing kids.

For those past the gonna have kids age as you mentioned, it may mean they don't want a partner with kids at home since they have already raised theirs and enjoy having an empty nest again.

Everyone is different....you just have to ask. I'm pretty up front about my aversion to kids because I don't want to mislead someone who really wants to be a dad in the future. Just throw me back if I'm not the right kind of fishie for you.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Deadbeat moms...why is it some moms don't have that maternal instinct at all?
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:08:26 PM
The ability to reproduce does not automatically make you a competent parent nor does it trigger the maternal instinct in everyone.

We have decided that reproduction is a basic human right that the government does not have the ability to restrict so we do end up with people having babies who have no business having babies. It's the same old argument: you need a license to have a dog, drive a car, or catch a fish but anyone can make babies regardless of ability or desire to raise, support, or nurture the child. It's not really a gender issue. I've met some men who were amazing fathers and some women who were terrible mothers.

The bottom line is that biology does not make you parent material. Personally, I know that I'm not so I've gotten my tubes tied and only date men without kids. I guess I was fortunate to realize this before I had any kids but I've had a couple of friends came to the conclusion that they were not parent material after the babies were born.

Parents are given extra chances because our society believes that an intact family is the best environment for a child. As an adoptee, I can tell you that it can be devastating to know that your own mother didn't want you enough to keep you. (The fact that an adopted family did want you does not erase the pain of knowing that the people who brought you into the world didn't want you.) States really don't like to take kids away from the parents permanently so they try to give them more chances to get their act together.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Debt
Posted: 6/17/2009 3:33:12 PM
I think the debt refers to "bad" debt like credit card balances. I have a great credit rating which I protect but I have student loans and a car payment. I pay more than the amount due and have a schedule of when I'd like to have these completely paid off. I'd expect most adults to have some form of housing, student loan, or car payment. I don't see a problem with someone with these type of obligations treating themselves to a nice dinner from time to time. However, if someone was up to their eyeballs in consumer debt from shopping or completely overextended by buying a house/car there was no way they could ever afford, I'd be a bit concerned.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
how do girl feel about prenup
Posted: 4/1/2009 3:03:46 PM
I live in a community property state. Absolutely have to have a prenup.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
probability of finding a match on POF
Posted: 3/30/2009 6:35:24 PM
Someone who wants a partner with a certain level of education is not necessarily a gold digger. I worked my butt off to finish two degrees. I worked full time while I was in school, stopped and started a couple of times, and paid the bills myself so that I would have the education for the career I wanted. I'd like a partner who also finished college. Please tell me how that makes me a gold digger.
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Is Mr. Single Father Compatible With Ms. No Child?
Posted: 2/26/2009 4:57:49 PM
I think it really depends on the boundaries the couple establishes. I've read several profiles where single fathers declare "my kids come first in everything." Well, call me selfish but I'm not willing to enter into a relationship where I will always come second to some other woman's kids. That's not fair to anyone.

Some of us want to have that couple only time before there are kids involved. You don't get that when one partner brings existing kids to the relationship. I want to be able to go out without having to hire a babysitter. I want to be able to take spontaneous weekend trips together.

I'm not childless, I'm child-free by choice. In the past, I did try dating single fathers but in my experience, the ex-wife was always tangled up in his business and doing her best to interfere with any new relationship he attempted. (Beyond the normal joint parenting decisions they needed to make together.) I got tired of dates getting cancelled due to babysitting issues or being told we could only go out every other weekend. It was enough to turn me off on dating parents completely. Yes, it really limits the dating options now that I'm in my 30s but I'm done with the baby mama drama.
 
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