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 Author Thread: POF Chemistry Y Relationships Tests: Low in self control?
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
POF Chemistry Y Relationships Tests: Low in self control?
Posted: 1/6/2016 12:29:47 AM
LuvFishes, I had the same result. Fost/adopted teens, was always helping everyone. Was ed surrogate in the school system and de facto parent in the courts. Now my grand kids are a priority as well. But because not age adjusted to those now living alone and with some personal life "finally" , I too look like I am not family oriented. If someone takes that seriously, I have signed affidavits from my kids:)
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 86 (view)
 
LONG DISTANCE CONTACTS FOR OVER AGE 50
Posted: 1/6/2016 12:21:16 AM
made a typo above in my post. meant to write "when there is no potential". was told a moderator would have to review to erase and restart. thought there were no more moderators! we will see. if erased this will make no sense. sorry:)
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 85 (view)
 
LONG DISTANCE CONTACTS FOR OVER AGE 50
Posted: 1/6/2016 12:16:06 AM
Some wonderful stories here about long distance working. I remember one from long ago. There is always something special that can occur, although yes, not that likely and clearly obvious that there is no potential. Just have to use your common sense and intuition. I have had several people in my very big state, willing to travel to meet me. One expected more than I would be willing to give, no matter how much we talked on the phone, so I saved him the trouble. Yet, I see some potential currently and will explore if I think the person has long term possibilities. Our correspondence has "substance". I cannot do the initial driving but am downsizing and flexible to a degree where I move. I guess it depends on how high on the priority list a good relationship falls and the reality that it always is not in your backyard. Although I certainly try and keep "open". Also at retirement age, there is more time/flexibility to consider this option. But not more than a very long drive, unless you want someone with a plane or money. Unfortunately that often, for me, gets to be living his lifestyle and not mine. My fancy days are by choice over. Looking for simple and writing my book. Then my bucket list, determined in childhood oddly, will be done: a "good" relationship and my book!
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
POF Chemistry Y Relationships Tests: Low in self control?
Posted: 11/25/2015 6:53:22 PM
Interesting that most forum people don't read the results or respond randomly. I have spoken to several potential daters who have taken them seriously. Most no nothing about these forums:) Still i think the findings are not age adjusted in their analysis. Well, thanks for this insight to many are irrelevant and not even read. Though I guess that makes sense as many do not get past the pics! As an old forum person who has "come back" to pof, i do think there are many more serious daters on the site, at least in my area, who are seriously looking (in response to some of the comments).
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
POF Chemistry Y Relationships Tests: Low in self control?
Posted: 11/21/2015 11:12:32 PM
POF's chemistry profile has a self control feature. So far I have not seen one person who is "not" low in self control! Has anyone? Am I attracting the wild ones or what? It also says I am low in self control. Hmmm. Better not let loose anymore or they might arrest me:) Quite frankly, although I can run my mouth off quite a bit, my actions demonstrate considerable self control. So, any real insight into this expert test that goes onto our profiles? BTW, then there is the family feature. I adopted and raised my kids 24/7. They say now I am not family connected, even though I babysit my grand kids and talk to my daughter all the time (well, at least one of them). Don't the dogs and cats count?!* This test is not geared for those of us with empty nests who finally want to get out and play. Any thoughts or experiences? I actually blocked one of my findings because I did not feel it reflected the truth for my age group.
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
why did she cry?
Posted: 11/13/2015 7:54:31 PM
still married, borderline, sex addict, post trauma, sad story, who knows. i usually find that sort of stuff out first!
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 228 (view)
 
Would you cuddle if it NEVER lead to sex?
Posted: 11/13/2015 7:52:18 PM
they have cuddle parties for this kind of question in santa cruz where i live. sadly (for me, happily), i don't cuddle strangers. just pets and kids and grand kids-- and when i find again the "last one" we will cuddle way into the night. the rest is none of your business lol:)
 PerspicacitySCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 353 (view)
 
Why do us men even bother at this point? Let us withdraw.
Posted: 11/13/2015 7:49:33 PM
hmmmm i'd rather battle the one percent "together"..... but since we are on the topic of s/he, maybe the woman was once a man or is going to be a man and this was part of transitioning. welcome to the new world... no longer black or white, male or female, just 99 percent or one percent. reconsider your allies!
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Is this Racist or Not ???
Posted: 8/11/2015 2:49:11 AM
i find racists unattractive. what does that make me i wonder?
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Age Criteria for Women
Posted: 7/20/2015 12:51:05 AM
Including prior to my second husband, I have had one long term boyfriend before marriage and three after divorce. All were between 4-6 years younger. I am comfortable with that range. If I were much younger, maybe I would consider much younger men, but even in mid thirties when I dated a mid twenties guy, "something" was missing having to do with experience and wisdom. At this age, I believe the 60's have new challenges, that even I would not have thought about in my 50's.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 168 (view)
 
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 7/9/2015 5:29:28 PM
I'd rather segment the population and then look at the odds. I believe if you lead a passionate life in other aspects of your day to day, your energy will attract. To me this is not a sacrifice, learning about others as we work for a common purpose or enjoying the same activities. For most of this, i have engaged in meetup dot com. Many introverts find people. Needing some lone time to process your thoughts is not equivalent to being lonely all the time. So many ways to meet people, unless you live in a very very small town with no night life or festivities! Then relying upon the internet only, does decrease your odds. As for being really really special, i think i need to work on myself to be that. My lesson has been that you cannot change someone else's really bad behavior, but you also cannot expect everyone to be perfect and meet a long list of "musts". A lot is chemistry, but that needs to be only a part of it all. I feel the urge to be with someone, but i have male and female friends who believe that their urges are gone. For them, i recommend, natural hormone replacement:)
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Polyamorous
Posted: 1/20/2015 2:21:06 PM
ps polyamory and polygamy are not the same. in polyamory groups here there are both more than one man and woman, not just one man with many wives --plus in polyamory, they might not live together, just be intimate within only this group. yes, living here in santa cruz, i have got my education. but, this is something only a polyamorous person can address or explain as to why they chose this. there are probably many different reasons. here a lot of old people are joining this group. i had thought it would be a young person's thing and that they would get over it, but i guess not.

sorry about not capping. my fingers are hurting bad today.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Polyamorous
Posted: 1/20/2015 2:11:58 PM
i would like to clarify bisexual. bisexual people might be open to either a man or woman, but not necessarily at the same time. i have two bisexual female friends. both are in monogamous long term relationships. one with a man and the other with a woman. they picked their mates on love and compatibility, not which sexual organs they had. our society has repressed different sexual identities for a long time. how one feels, male or female or a bit of both (sexual fluidity) which often comes in early childhood, can lead to any range of choices as to who one wishes to mate with. monogamy versus polygamy or polyamory or swinging or open marriage or just screwing around is a whole other topic, under which are even more topics.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Polyamorous
Posted: 1/20/2015 2:04:47 PM
Polyamory is relatively a big thing where I live in hippy dippyville. It is not my thing and I would walk in the other direction if I received personally any such mandate. You have to decide what you want, and go with your gut as to what will comfort you the most on all levels and no games. Some in these communities are quite legit within their own groups and seem equally participatory. They feel better within their own group with it's rules than screwing around with strangers. This is "supposed" to be about love not sex. The group focusing on sex here call themselves swingers. Seems they have their proportion of lost souls, just like any other lifestyle. But, in other instances, I have seen a dom submissive kind of thing going on where only one wants this and the other fears losing that person, so succumbs. Don't think with your crotch and question any codependency. Other than that, you do what YOU feel is best for you, not fearing the loss of someone right now, but how you feel projecting this kind of arrangement into your future.

I don't love nor am I sexual in the ways others dictate to me. I do know a few people who seem to be nice people in these groups. But, I steer clear of any remote possibility of them trying to involve me on this level. Once the boundaries are clear, they are in my meetups and I relate to them, same as anyone else. This is a small town atmosphere here. From old hippies to university to retirees to art scene. I don't judge them as unacceptable, anymore than I judge the screw around crowd at the bars. I just personally cannot "relate intimately" to more than one person at a time and the wild search at bars for a man is also not my thing.

The world is getting more complicated. But it is out in the open for choices to me made.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 90 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/20/2015 1:43:32 PM
Funny woobytoodsday, I was thinking about you last night and wanting to find you on the forums since my pof buddy from Mississippi told me you were still around. I will try to email you from pof. Alas, cannot find your old emails as i changed carriers, although downloaded someplace on my computer.

We have had counseling and big session upcoming. We shall see. either way it works out, will be the right way-- w/o the "drama" that came from this last incident we had, the details of which i left out. I am not into drama and have a low tolerance for it with my lyme disease. I have to watch my energy and save it for the right things. You were always an "educated" risk taker and one of my online role models:)

I think the full range of decisions will vary person to person. What irks me though is when I sit with a full table of single friends, both men and women, all pretty desirable people and all complaining that they cannot meet someone. yet there they sit facing each other. Go figure! As my mother used to say, sh_t or get off the pot:) I had a pretty feisty mother when my father was not around!

There is no perfect person or relationship. the wisdom to know the difference in the actual "serenity prayer" is not always forth coming! I have had a lot of money and i have had a little money. For me, money is energy to do things that matter in this world, as well as protection for me and my family of now three generations. I respect money and am learning to respect resources which in the past we have taken for granted. I have found that people I know who have had a lot less of it, have spent wisely and today have "more" than those with a lot more. So, it is not about how much, but what it is used for and if enough is saved for bad times, let alone if during bad times, the use of money is prioritized. There are a lot of "anonymous" groups today as people react impulsively and compulsively to hard times that are with both the economy and aging. Debtor's anonymous is one of them. I have a female friend in one of these groups who also is in AA. She struggles all the time with compulsive spending, often risking the security of her children. She is a nice person. This too can be a disease when out of control.

I try my best to teach the necessary life skills to my children who were adopted in their teens, so the lessons go into the 20's. Now in the later 20's, they respect my opinions more today than before. I guess adults have to learn on their own or seek help only if they want to do it for themselves. Nobody else can do it for them.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Personality Types
Posted: 1/16/2015 6:26:23 PM
Whenever I see a trend in my own behavior, the first question I ask myself is am I the "one common denominator"? If I were to be attracted only to people not attracted to me, I would then ask "myself" why? There are books written on this. The possibilities are endless. There is a book for women but easily could be turned around that is not quite the same, but you can get the drift. It is called "Men who hate women and the women who love them"! Well there are women who are not attracted to particular men and the particular men who love them as well.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
A mad dog I may be, enjoy your newly acquired cur. At least I am fair and impartial.
Posted: 1/16/2015 6:19:54 PM
Have you tried hemorrhoid cream? It works wonders:)
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 141 (view)
 
Platonic relationship just to have a child
Posted: 1/16/2015 6:13:12 PM
oops, i made a mistake. your dad was not in his 40's when he died, they were married for 46 years! but still most of my questions are the same:)
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 140 (view)
 
Platonic relationship just to have a child
Posted: 1/16/2015 6:11:28 PM
I am a little confused. Is the only reason you are considering this is because you might not find "your man" for awhile and fear getting pregnant in the 40's? Your profile indicates you would date someone with kids as long as you could have your own. Do you mean the kids with the platonic friend or with the man you eventually meet and marry? Out of fear of not meeting him and really wanting kids, is this something you are playing with as an option, but not ready yet to implement your search for this friend?

Do you already have such a friend? For example, this is not unlikely in the gay and lesbian community in CA. Lesbian couples in the past have found a man donor, either gay or heterosexual, often a good friend to donate sperm. This was typically done with a turkey baster as mentioned before. The man agrees to be around. Sometimes he helps financially and sometimes he does not. If the man is platonic, why would you have sex with him to get this child? This to me is illogical. Why not get his sperm implanted either professionally or with the baster? You mentioned that it would be hard to adopt, except internationally. Does this mean if it were easier to adopt, would you still want to do so? Or do you really want to give birth?

I don't see this as a reason to bash you or between men or women. There are men who want "offspring" for whatever reason. As said above, they often are older. As I said, might be gay. Or maybe they just want to work their careers and not be a husband, but still want offspring. If they can afford it, they might want to do it. I would assume just like sperm banks there is someone somewhere who specializes in screening such individuals, including you! This is important to do, even if no love or intimate relationship involved. You would both need to know each other's family history, just like couples need to know for medical reasons.

You just lost your dad at a young age (his). Do you think this has anything to do with exploring this more unique option?

I am not asking that you answer these questions online. But, you do need to ask them of yourself. I don't think you are a control freak. Just sounds to me like you are sad, having lost a dad, not yet met someone for "forever", are fearful about having kids later in life given more medical risk like down's syndrome etc. , want to have kids, don't have adoption options where you live, etc. Well, you could move here to CA where adoption to single moms or dads is approved. But, you are now moving to support your mom in her loss. Maybe it is an areas with less likelihood of meeting "the one"?

I don't know, but you need to take from this thread what is useful, acknowledge the disdain which your kid may also run into (hopefully not) and list and weigh the practicalities. Also, know that major life decisions should not be made too soon after any major loss. This world is very unstable now and where I live younger people are not even marrying as much or as fast as when I was kid. Everything has it's pluses and minuses. But, aside from what you envision for yourself as a mom, you need to think this out in depth for the child.

How close to home would this man be? Because if you are doing most of the parenting, you will be exhausted. I think as mentioned that a man who wants offspring but no relationship might not be as platonic and available as you would imagine. He might be willing to help finance the child, so he could have offspring. It is a very techie kind of world. But, if you prefer a real relationship and just worried about the late in life baby, have you looked into freezing your own eggs and waiting a bit more for the real intimate relationship? I do have many friends who gave birth in early 40's and are fine, but I acknowledge that there can be greater risk, especially if you find it with sonogram and you do not believe in abortion.

So many people who want to find a full time person in their lives are very sad. So, they look at options and quite frankly, I don't blame them. Although, I personally would still seek out some sort of adoption, if it were possible in any way. Or I'd do the sperm bank and have male friends act as role models to just keep it simpler, as one cannot predict everything, such as the "friend" finds his true loves and moves away, maybe with a check here and there, but not his presence.

Hang in there OP. You will know your answer in time.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/16/2015 3:19:33 PM
I think if you are young, you start with a dream and shared vision. With the economy, disability, different kind of brain function and personality, extremes of introvert to extrovert, different backgrounds, ad infinitum-- let lone age and both good and bad life experience, it in ways becomes much harder to live together, allocate resources and share in the duties, the older you get. You have to sit down and ask yourself, what is the dream here? You don't want to repeat past mistakes. But also, each person has a different degree of ability to deal with risk, specifically if the risk does not work out.

For me, a shared vision is about still some spark and passion, much needed laughter which has been absent here for quite some time, until the last couple of days, peace, comfort AND yes, someone to share the burdens. Underlying all this is communication. No communication, undeserved complacency and w/o reasonable distribution of shared burdens, then there is no relationship. Mind you, I said shared burdens. You cannot expect another person to fix the past you got yourself into w/o him/her.

Some are fighters, some get depressed. I like to tackle things with the people involved in the situation. Some prefer to isolate, fix things themselves w/o partnering or teamwork and some do freeze up. As said above, if there is shame involved, some go to the extent of dissociating. However, I can only do my part. I will no longer enable:) Time will tell if we can live together or not. I feel good about finding out, one way or the other because I know I have done my part and we have communicated more in the past few days than for months. We might just end up friends or we will pull it off. Different people who know us, have different opinions, but all hope it does work. My first boyfriend after my second divorce, drove me up a tree! He has now a much tougher girlfriend, which seems to attract him, and he is now one of my best friends. Go figure! You just cannot live with everyone:)

And yes, we do take things for granted, like water. Start bottling it up for us, for those who have too much. It is very scarey here. As a major grower, food prices will be skyrocketing due to this drought.

I plan to stick around the forums, because you have all for the most part, been great and very helpful. For the nasty/judgmental people: karma!!! I "try" to give people the benefit of the doubt and not interject my stuff between their lines. If I don't do that, please call me on it and make me a better person.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 83 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/15/2015 4:44:52 PM
Yes, you are right, it does seem like the water conservationist dating site:) It was just one point, then commented upon and then responded to again. With my lyme disease, I can get long winded trying to explain. Sorry, if you are offended or bored. Happy if you are amused. Grateful to those who "got it".

On the unanticipated side of things, we had our first three hour long talk in over a year. I guess we had nothing to lose at this point and both have been very sad, thinking there were no answers. Sometimes answers come from the "outside". We are going to give it a few month more try. He is now feeling much better, as he "just" finally got a full job offer that he feels is better than the one he did not like. Suddenly, there is "energy" and "talking" in this relationship again. He now gets some of my concerns and is willing to finally try, as am I. He has explained things to me, that were kept from me til now. So much for the introvert/extrovert relationship. We shall see.

As I said when I started this thread, I love this person. Some of you did not get that I have lyme disease and I work well beyond my abilities to keep things afloat. Either partners communicate and do what is needed or they cannot live together. Even with communication, you have to see if you can alternate, compromise, etc. In our instance, I need to resume downsizing, which I had held off for him and my daughter and grandchildren who also had to live here for awhile. That will make it physically easier to survive, pay bills and not have so much labor involved with daily living. Hopefully, if this works, we can focus on where to downsize and live. If it doesn't work, I have even more geographic options.

No matter what the outcome in a few months, I will know that I have tried everything, without losing my "self" and health in the process of trying to be there for someone else. Plus, he will be on a better footing for himself. It is hard enough getting older, having a chronic illness, with loved ones dealing with life's sharps blows. All one can do is their best. It is sad, but today's times can be brutal to many. Without communication and compromise given the reality of what is going on, how can you live together? I believe you can't. With it there is still a lot of hope.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 212 (view)
 
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 4:17:02 PM
ladyc4, I do remember you!

I think the original concept of gaslighting via the movie, was more focused on a deliberate attempt to drive a woman mad by manipulating her physical environment and then denying that anything was happening. This also could have been a man btw. Later on, it became a term used by victims of domestic violence. Either/or these are very scarey. I believe this was pure sociopathy. My relationship was not that scarey, nor sociopathic. I think a lot more to do with depression and an extreme introvert mind who did not cough up stuff for communication, nor really get me end of it. A lot has happened with this relationship this week and still wrapping my brain around it. So, I don't think gas lighting is more prevalent, although maybe more broadly used and discussed. I just think these times are hard and there are a lot of relationship issues that surface and if left untended, become even more difficult. Such is life in the fast lane:) I "am" joking around with that NYC humor again. That is a good sign!
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 68 (view)
 
Platonic relationship just to have a child
Posted: 1/14/2015 4:03:13 PM
Oh, I see that your experience/understanding in Texas was that single moms cannot adopt? That is not the case in California. It varies by county, but please be sure to check that out and not assume. I have had friends do the local county adoption and the ones from other countries. Depending upon from where, they were not given full info and some of their situations became very grave. I was my kids foster first, then adoptive mom, plus their IEP surrogate with the educational system, plus the de facto parent in court. I fought tooth and nail for them. We had a very good support group in my county of residence and good legal backup. My kids were one of the most complex cases. They came from a more corrupt county and the social workers there hated me. But, the head of my county, used to be the head of their county and he helped me every which way to fight for my kids. If you ever want to discuss, please feel free to contact me.

AAP does not take income into account if the kid has certain needs. You can also be a guardian and get more help, it really depends on your situation and the agencies you would have to deal with. I do know that Texas does have some strange stuff going on with respect to adoption, but cannot remember what exactly. Good luck!!! Go for it:) But, remember parenting kids as they get older, whether you birth them or adopt them, means you get to be the bad guy. As an advocate or big sister, they love you a lot more. Except when they hit the mid 20's, then there is opportunity for great stuff!!!! I never knew that til I became the "mom".
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 66 (view)
 
Platonic relationship just to have a child
Posted: 1/14/2015 3:50:45 PM
from one serenity to another:

In today's dating world, i doubt it would be easy to fine such a person. If I were you, I would adopt a baby. I have adopted teens, because I am not you ( I am me:)). Or, if you are non negotiable about having your own birth child, I would go to a sperm bank. Then, I would have long standing friends, both male and female, who I knew well, to agree to both guardian the child and act as family members, to be in the child's life.

I will say, having fost/adopted teens and not living in one area for any long length of time, some will think it sounds like a good idea, agree to be there for you, then disappear out of your life. It is a chance you take. Same for couples who separate or abandon. Some adoption communities have a really good support network, who help each other out. I prefer working with agencies who are close at hand. You get more info, less if just foster, but more if you adopt, about the children. If you are open, you can also have an open adoption where the birth mom is too young, but wishes to be there for some sort of support and communication. If you adopt a special needs child, or sibling group, or older children or of color, they might give you some financial assistance, if the need is great and families are few. This is called the Adoption Assistance Program. They might also help with insurances, etc.

I kept the door open for my kids' birth mom, but she did give up her rights. We no longer communicate much, but she is on my facebook friend list, just in case. My youngest finally visited her in Peru. I funded that. Funny, she said she is just like me--talks too much, too demanding of her time, exhausting! My youngest is an extreme introvert, who as she gets older is more communicative and very close:)

I always told my kids it took two moms to bring them into the world, because they were a handful of creativity and genius and needed more "backup". I started with three siblings and one did not make it through adoption, even though I tried really hard. He chose to get himself in a whole lot of trouble instead. To the very end, I did treat him equally. I learned through all this, that it was not because he was adopted. I have many birth parents as friends who have had similar experiences with their kids, who they raised from birth.

Parenting is a risk and a reward, the greatest reward, no matter how hard you try to organize the parental arrangement--traditionally or not.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 78 (view)
 
What self-improvement steps can you begin NOW, or stay just the same for all of 2015?
Posted: 1/13/2015 6:19:36 PM
Aside from losing the 30 pounds I gained this past year from stress, I plan to start laughing my ass off again:)
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 206 (view)
 
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/13/2015 6:17:42 PM
blonde angel, what do i use to look younger? aside from sun screen powder, light botox and restylane once or twice a year (no drooling please), hair dye, and if i show any dark circles, which I have, I lighten them with makeup or software, lol. on days that i feel sick from my lyme disease, i look older . but probably not 66. i am usually taken for mid 50's. some say younger, but i don't think that is realistic. because of the botox and restylane, i do look younger. i started that at age 60. i don't recommend to overdo these things at a younger age, but start saving up for when you do need it. way back there was a thread on this someplace:) but for now, taking off that 30 pounds i gained from stress in the past months. i think when you feel good, you look better.

that is amazing that the ex and you are working out.

see there is life after gas lighting people!!!!
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
 
How old is too old for me? Im not a cub looking for a Cougar..
Posted: 1/13/2015 6:07:57 PM
ahem, i meant five years older not five years old! mercy on my soul:)
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 80 (view)
 
How old is too old for me? Im not a cub looking for a Cougar..
Posted: 1/13/2015 6:05:52 PM
A young kid once approached me at a dance event looking for a cougar. What he got was a lecture on his college application to further his career, a motherly discussion on safe sex and some advice on his loss of a recent love! The venue appeared to be loaded with cougars. It was a new concept to me at that time. Yet, what do they call the old men going after young women? Lions?

Yes, many want younger mates. Many lie about their ages. You need to figure out what age range you are comfortable with and what things you would have in common. Go from there and don't apologize. For me, I used to say plus or minus five. I do admit, that most of the men older than me at this age are on a different wavelength, but I try to remain open. My past relationships were all 4-6 years younger and I was comfortable with that. My first husband, way back, was five years old and remarried a woman ten years younger than he. She is not happy now.

What are you comfortable with and if you find a mate, how will you address age differences into your future? I have two friends who married men over 20 years older than they were at the time, in their 20's. They both are now caring for two very sick people. These are all things to consider, unless you just want to date and "frolic" for the time being. I know a lot of women where I live in their forties who are dying to find men closer to their own age. Seems a lot of them are already married and taken, or so I am told. So they are dating men in their 50's and sometimes 60's and in private they say that they are not particularly thrilled. This is not everyone, but just the general dating scene. There are those who find each other working on common causes, etc. They meet and marry, even with age differences. But, they do have to address the future realistically. For these people, love conquers all. But, they were not searching for it on a dating site. It just happened in the course of daily living.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Brits/Europeans? Is it rude to ask people what they do for a living?
Posted: 1/13/2015 5:46:45 PM
My friend from Portugal said it was rude for Americans to serve on paper plates for parties. A year later, guess who was serving on paper plates?!* Where she travelled, there was also much more of a "class" thing which she tried to explain to me. So, I do think this is a class or snob thing, or it could be if someone does not feel their job is important or if they represent the "idle rich".

I have read that it is often a good thing, to not ask from a dating point of view. I guess there are a lot of gold diggers around, who only want to date certain kinds of people and surmise an income from the job. So, it is usually not my first question. But, being a New Yorker, I also need a forthright conversation and not just talking about the weather. So, I usually ask what the person would like to know about me first. I tend to give an earful and open up the opportunity to do the same. If their questions lead to work, then I feel free to ask the same. If someone has a boring job, I ask what else do they do in their spare time, etc. In essence, what "floats their boat":)

They say also not to ask about politics. Well, for me, that has to be answered at some point!
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 5:34:50 PM
I really would like to thank mostly all of you for your compassion and insight. I slowly reread and hope you don't mind, but am adding some of you as favorites (mostly women and some men), slow but sure, if our situations or your insight clicks with me, to find your posts again in the future re other topics. In the past, have made some lifer friends from these forums:)

As to working on me:

Yes TALL IQ 2:
I wrote in my younger days and after that mostly re consulting with hospitals, etc. I have reached many of my goals "slowly", now called bucket list (!), especially adopting my teens at age 50 and wanting to do that since age 5. I have always wanted to write a book. My daughter and I have talked about it together. Perhaps to expose the foster care and adoption "industry". So, that is the top of my list right now after I get my life a bit more together:) Am also doing a lot of advocacy work. Before it was for kids, lately for wildlife (elephants, giraffes, lions and rhinos) and the dog meat trade. I am also hooking up with people in Iraq from prior student exchanges and African tribal people, as well as many California advocates. This has been an amazing comfort to be able to do something, when I can't travel well. Plus, here in CA, i can now ride with other advocates to places that the lyme disease prevents me from navigating. So, maybe I can apply more writing in these situations.

As for taking that bath. I have done it here and there. And, I have called to bring in a water consultant from the utility. My Dr. also has a sauna. We have to water "some" here, or else the banks go dry and that furthers erosion into the creek. My MD is also a homeopath and he showered me (excuse the pun)with herbs last week that seem to be really working on pain and sadness, much to my dog's happiness with longer walks now. My stress level has been very very high, thus greater pain with the chronic lyme disease and I cannot believe I ate myself into a weight gain. I did this before my last divorce and should have known better. But, now that I do know, I am working on "me".

The one thing I cannot seem to attain, has been a "lifelong" partner. I have been a serial monogamist, with breaks in between to center myself and redirect. I had two ten year marriages and oddly now, I am friends with both wives of these men. I am friends with most of my long term boyfriends, which helps me to cope now as I know my current partner soon to depart, will be some sort of friend, once the pain dies down.

I am not one to hold grudges. But "why" was one of my first words as a toddler and it still invades my mind.

Well, why or why not, I just must learn to take care of me, especially at this age, with this chronic disease and kids and grand kids counting on me, as well as my pets! But yes, with all of this, I am still sad. This was totally unexpected. He flew into a rage on me and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From no communication to raging, is not a good way to handle stuff. I think as an extreme introvert, he might even be happier w/o me. I am trying very hard not to take this personally.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 4:50:50 PM
Flaneur001, yes i think you have an underlying point that goes even further back than my own situation. There is even more to it, that would be a totally other topic and not one I can get into right now. Problem is, I have done the very best I can. We needed to address a budget and both agreeing to behaviors and giving up things and sharing a workload--even though we are both "tired". At the end of the serenity prayer is: "wisdom to know the difference" and this is the very hardest part. I once asked a whole lot of religious leaders, as part of a community assessment way back, how do you acquire this wisdom? I was told by a very wise person, one day a time! Things seem to go in circles. Hopefully the circles get wider.

The days to my decision kept building. On top of it, his fuse was short and it scared me a bit. Denial leads to many different behaviors and believe me, if I could help I would. I have been advised that I can't by others who have been on "both sides" of this boat and have been able to stop the rocking either together or by leaving.

We both are crying, feeling bad. But, I think that this separation will force both of us to do what needs to be done individually. I did not lend money by the way, I just paid most of the living expenses and did most of the work or paid someone to do it. Again, this would have been okay by me if we had addressed how to cut these expenses and where to put the money, as well as how to share the workload and do what had to be done.

I get that being forced to work in a new workplace environment is difficult. I consulted most of my life and work went up and it went down. I also get I was putting myself in harms way, that I had surpassed my limits and that I am only one person. I wish it were otherwise. Some people have a hard time with change and life's challenges. It is sad, but it also affects others who love them. This past week, he has been helping, and packing. Wish it did not come to this and he had answered my pleas all along. He just was not able. Yes, "shut down" as you explained flaneur001. There were some very practical ways out, but only he can do it and only he can ask for help. I always ask for help. I guess not everyone can and that gets back to w
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 62 (view)
 
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/12/2015 12:22:19 PM
Having lyme disease, living as a New Yorker in CA (a strange world still to me), being relatively smart and open, etc. etc. the odds would be against me "theoretically". I have never paid attention to odds, in my career, with respect to the teens I adopted at age 50, when my cat got cancer and lived well another five years, etc. In the middle of a sad breakup, I cannot even think about the future right now. That is a good thing, because in the past I would worry if I would ever meet someone again.

I just say what I mean and do it. I like people, but not with the chit chat or gossip. I like meaningful conversations and to talk to people who are doing meaningful things. So, I find meetups to do things with people> I also have family and grandchildren. I am thinking, listening to both my male and female friends who have given up, that for some, they are more introverted and prefer to stay home. Or they have lost their sexual drives. Well, that does not increase one's odds.

I thought I had lost that drive after my second divorce. Then I got out and to my surprise, it was and still is there. It is an incentive to consider one's criteria for what is needed in a less than perfect relationship world. Still, as I am experiencing now, there are daily living considerations to also consider. So, if you are more of a loner and content with family and not going out, and not interested in compromise, you probably have lesser odds.

The head over heals thing only lasts so long. The person needs to be a best friend, share interests, or have something warm and fuzzy to attract you. Even then, you might just want to date or live alone while carrying out a relationship. For me, it is one day a time right now as my relationship is ending and when it started, I was so optimistic. I do think, if I am out there, I will meet others. If I don't, I'm okay with it, although not as okay as I would be with a good partner. But, that's just me. I am extroverted, an only child and traveled a lot of work on my own. So, I prefer the together experience. Screw the odds!
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
The Beauty of Getting Older
Posted: 1/12/2015 12:06:08 PM
My first ex-husband's wife sent me this the other day, the Florida one is a hoot:

Getting Old.......To my Ever--So--Young friends!

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
~ ~ ~
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.'
~ ~ ~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
~ ~ ~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
~ ~ ~
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~ ~ ~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ ~ ~
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
~ ~ ~
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
~ ~ ~
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
~ ~ ~
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, or maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
~ ~ ~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.

Well, I fear getting old. But, it is what it is. So, this kind of humor makes my day, as does your lovely post OP.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 64 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 11:49:07 AM
Someone mentioned why worry about water? Well, for one, I do not live in a dessert. CA has serious water shortages throughout as part of climate change. This has affected agriculture severely and the cost of produce, overall water availability for the general public and skyrocketing water bills as incentives to "stop". I have read of several people with severe fines running into the thousands, for water leaks they were not aware of before. I plan to look into a grey water system, using laundry water for outdoor plants, etc.

Here, what is odd, living on a creek and near the ocean, we still have flash floods. The hills are so dry, that they don't absorb water at first when it does rain, and this condition then floods the creeks. If high tide and any rainy weather, the ocean water surges back and up the creek, in combination with the rising creek water, right to our doorstep. I have been through this once and was terrified. If I had not put vents under my house, the water would have come in. Where I live is beautiful, but it comes with a price. This winter, I had to get sandbags and drag things out of harms way and with the freeze cover all the bushes and plants. It usually does not freeze here. I had to pay for this and worked along with the man I paid, with only a bit of help towards the end and begrudgingly. I should not have to ask. My neighbors, my age, worked as a team and got things handled. Actually he does way more, but they have been married over 40 years and have their own way and have shared duties over the many years.

Right now we carry out dish soaking water, where feasible for plants. Any left over water in glasses or pots or pet dishes also goes to plants. I have NOT gone as far as my neighbor YET. She uses her granddaughters bath water to flush the toilet with buckets and this woman has money (probably why she has money)! I have purchased efficiency dishwasher and washer/dryers. Showers are limited to five minutes per shower. For me, this is bad, because daily soaking in a tub helped my lyme pain in the past. But, I conserve, because I have no other choice.

I don't have double standards. Anyone living here who pays bills, has to conserve. Others do it willingly because they care about the planet. Some areas have no water whatsoever and people are at the mercy of non-profits to get them some to drink, let alone bathe. It is a big deal for two reasons: conservation and rising water bills, which on fixed incomes, could make or break some people.

I have to downsize or get paying tenants or conserve money very tightly. Right now it is the last option. Water utility companies have given homeowners a list of things to follow voluntarily, while more severe ration plans are being considered. They have held off so far with the severe penalties where I live, because we have as a string of neighborhoods, gotten consumption down 20 percent. But, charges for higher water tiers are increased and no doubt will increase further. Gas and electric are also going up. Food is going up due to the water shortage.

I am not going to get into a he said/she said discussion. I have and still do love this person. But I think as aptly described above (thank you for the perspective), you can love someone unconditionally and pray for their growth and safety. But, living with someone in a partnership does require communication, commitment to a budget if needs be and mutual assumption of daily living responsibilities--consequently making daily living "conditional". I am just not into the enabling/nagging role right now. Been there, done that. . As have counselors. But, no matter what I have to do to keep myself afloat and plan for my "aging" future, my decision is still painful and I do worry about him. This thread is keeping me strong and not allowing me to reneg on my decision.

I still cannot get over the fact, that this is even happening. Household demands are not unreasonable for this area. If anything, I have done way more than most would have. He will have far more responsibilities when he moves out and now unavoidable higher bills. My actions seem to be a wake up call for him. But, there have been too many broken promises, so I cannot change my mind "again".

Thank you for challenging my brain to make sure I believe in what I have done. The more I read, the more I see, I had no other choice, short of winning the lottery. If you cannot meet rising costs, you have to sit down, lessen the load together either with labor or more money and/or agree to cut costs. I have been so tired trying to do everything, I have been eating out. I cut that cost. But, it would be nice to have someone to cook with and cleanup together--without asking:) Or, at least talk to me while I am doing it. Don't have half your meal consumed, before I even get to the table with mine:) Now, to be clear, he too is tired with his part time job, still requiring a lot of driving. He also keeps looking for ft jobs. But hey, we all have problems. To me, despite the drain of it all with daily living demands, at least doing what is necessary with a life partner would lessen the load and might even be fun.

I was joking about the boobs and weight loss. Calm down, I am not getting a boob job:)
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 106 (view)
 
views on dogs living indoors
Posted: 1/11/2015 9:38:31 PM
Well, my dog sleeps on the bed, on my side. The cat sleeps on my head. They stay off, until I let them on, which is right before I go to sleep. Clearly this man would not like to live with me either:)

Pets have always been an integral part of my life. My current dog is being disability trained for bracing, if I should trip with my lyme disease while walking difficult paths. If the man in my life is not a spooner, the dog is also there to pick up the slack--or else my arm hurts. This too is a bracing thing. My dog is very "thick". He also has short hair and gets bathed in neem oil, so does not smell badly.

My ex did not like dogs at first, but this dog is a con artist. He was soon cuddling him as well. Going through a break up, I let the dog sleep with him the other nite, as he comforts us both now:) I still got the cat on my head. He is on chemo, so I have to be a bit forgiving of that.

I respect the man's choice. I hope it is not cold where they live. An indoor dog, is not going to be okay with being put out, unless there is a cozy pack environment to be shared and the weather is great. I would not have moved in, given the attitude towards dogs unless I kept my place and conducted an experiment, to be evaluated by both parties to see if the dog inside was acceptable.

It is hard enough coming to an agreement about a dog sleeping on a bed. But not allowed in the house at all, is a very big difference between a dog lover and someone who needs a spotless, germ free, dog free home. Even harder than dogs, if you are a germophobe is toddlers. Will that be okay with this man?

I feel bad for them.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 9:12:27 PM
A POF friend from Mississippi just emailed me to come back and read the comments again. I was not aware so many people were "rooting" for me in my relationship absence from the forums and that is such an amazing feeling. Thank you! I often take risks with my posting and pretty much everything else in life. I'd like to think they are educated risks and I do tend to be intuitive and empathetic, so my boundaries are a bit wider that most. This is why maybe I am not taken seriously when I ask for help or cooperation.

If anyone thinks this is easy to pose this as a topic , it is not. But, I have gotten great feedback in the past from those who share their stories as well. My feelings run deep. I make tough decisions because I have learned the hard way. But, sometimes I just cannot predict. Or, maybe the lesson is learned and I have more to undertake from a spiritual perspective.

I see a few rather odd comments injecting words or meaning into what I wrote, based maybe upon personal experience or maybe just meanness. I don't have the energy to address the any meanness right now, nor any patience. If you think I am full of it. Fine, you think that. I am not into gossiping about more details or sides. I am looking to deal with my own pain and to learn, so I can move on and make more on- target decisions for my future. For example, I always thought I would remarry. Now I would be surprised, just given the reality. I always wanted to live with my mate. I still want to do that, but I am wondering if that too might be unrealistic based upon this experience.

I pretty much share everything that I can and even give away a lot. But, there are certain things with daily living that need to be respected. A perfect example of this is dealing with the water shortage. People living together where we live, must address things like this. This kind of thing is not about being bossy or the one who owns the house. I am not particularly bossy about sharing food, things, whatever. So please don't put words or actions in my mouth. My guy was also a giver in emotional ways. The rest, I believe, he just did not get. Unfortunately, these things are necessary to survive in today's world of less work options and increased costs of living, unless you are rich and have full time hired help.

I have spent so many years of my life, being there for other people's pain and not minding it. But, I do draw the line. Plus, as the saying goes: you must take the oxygen on the plane (while going down) for yourself, first and foremost, so it will give you the resources and energy to help any others who might need you. It is a fine line between enabling and being there for someone. Right now I am sucking up oxygen:)

My issue or shall I say question, is about living with someone and planning a viable future. Sometimes you are just on a different wavelength or perhaps your life experiences or personalities are meant for romance, but not for daily living. I was an only child. Some things I just don't get! I tend to be romantic, but underneath I have learned to do what is practical, even though it hurts. It hurts a lot to separate. It hurts both parties. I have done it before. Just did not think I would be doing it again. I don't need to live in "my" house and totally willing to downsize and share a smaller one. That is just not the issue for me.

I gained 30 pounds during the past 6 months, eating away at my desperation. I stopped this, after I made my decision.
That says something. So my focus is back on me. Taking care of my lyme disease, my family and pets, finding easy but disciplined ways to exercise, etc. given the pain and limitations of this disability. I find that when I am on the right path, my Higher Power sends me assistance. Yesterday, I found a group that does hiking and walking for those not as "fit" as the average person. I get so fatigued with my lyme that I cannot keep up with my healthier friends. This group is a G-send for me. I host dance meetups and now have to find a way to do that on my own or enlist my meetup friends to help set it up. I am going to see movies with them and now can sit with them, whereas before we needed to sit way in the back. Little things like this are opening up. I am very grateful.

Clearly I am not ready for dating. This is like going through the stages of death. I have been crying all day long, as has he. This week, I am going to get a Meyer's****ail at the doctor's filled with vitamins and anti oxidents, get my fingernails and toes painted, make an appointment for a facial after my next check comes in, take a walk with my new exercise group and make a botox appointment! Having been very sick in my late 40's and early 50's before a year of IV antibiotics, where I looked like death warmed over, I have no guilt about sprucing myself up and dealing with the weight gain, which I hide under my jacket, but trust me, I am not pregnant and it is there, lol. Of course, like when I was sick and started getting better after IV, the boobs are the first to go when you start losing the pounds. Sigh.....
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:06:22 PM
Several of you really hit a cord and described exactly what I felt and experienced. I cannot single each thing out, as I forgot how to repaste the phrases you wrote (duh!). To be clear, to me, I don't care how much money made or specific job one has. My use of the word "lesser" reflected his outlook on the work available for much less money and that it was also lessened to part time, shortly after that job was secured. Jobs in tech here are downsized significantly. Let's face it, they go for the young hires with the newer technologies. Nonetheless, I understand now, that the issues did not start here in our living together, nor will they end here.
A person has to want to do the work, not only to communicate with a partner and plan a future path, but also go through the pain of working on themselves. There is also a lot of energy drain, dealing with this economy. This is more so true, if you spent every penny that you had when you were making good money, rather than plan for a "rainy day". For him, the issues will continue and could be a downfall. We all have basic bills and responsibilities that come before frivolous spending and these do take communication if they are to be shared in a relationship. I cringe about what may happen to him, but I know I can no longer enable and nag. That way, I become the "****" and he keeps on doing the destructive behaviors, dragging me further down.
Did i try? You bet. Was I clear? You bet. My clarity as to the needs before us was seen as "nagging". The issues were not rocket science. He was tired, I get that. But, so was I. I have lyme disease for beejezus sake! He gets that now that my "threats" (as perceived by him) were real and we are both very sad. I was being taken for granted, I am told. My "threats" were not enough that he would change. I think my flexibility and exhausting work went unnoticed by him, maybe even still. He does not want to know about money and bills. His sadness is about leaving (he does not like change) and I do believe he loves me feeling wise, but not enough to address the core issues. Love is not just a feeling, it is a lot of work. The work does pay off, if both are willing to do it and problem solve to make things easier.
Thanks for sharing. It helps, I do not know why, to know I am not alone with respect to these matters.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 9:37:05 PM
Yes, things surface over time, but some things not until you live together on a daily basis. We were together three years, weekends and vacations only, before he moved in. But 24/7 and job loss shed some real new light on how we problem solve as a team or sink into withdrawal.

Things that happen in the 20's, happen for different reasons in the later years. Younger, you are thinking of family, careers, nest building, travel. A lot of that has been accomplished when you are older. Still, for me, there needs to be some sort of growth and mutual venture, even if service minded-- and also more communication/teamwork.

So sweet of you to say, Kay. I did pop into the forums here and there over the past 4 1/2 years, although many of my pof friends are now my fb friends, call, email or go to the meetups I recommended to them:) As to living apart? Well, this experience certainly has me thinking. Of course, I will decide. But it helps to see here and there how others have addressed the range of choices. I am in the stages of grief (past the anger), so not sure if I am in denial here and there myself, or if what you say is possible to live apart. My brain says maybe if we left it that way from the start, but now we know too much and it is very likely too late. Still, my heart aches.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 5:33:02 PM
Well, here I am back again after four and a half years. I thought we had found each other. Then in crisis, he moved in earlier than we had talked about with a more positive vision, due to job loss. After 14 mos. living together, our relationship has stagnated and of late came to harsh words. We had major obstacles all along, but it seemed to work out as addressed. Living together, even after he found a "lesser" job, seems to have jarred me past repair. We lost our fun weekends, I felt more and more burdens to take on by myself. I could not live this way and had to end it. Moving together should be a positive step, with communication and forging together the rest of one's life. Financial matters need to be discussed and not put under the rug. Nothing was ever simple, from water conservation to following appliance directions to keeping the door shut so the chemo cat does not get out. I was the one who owned the house, so when floods came or rats invaded (living on the creek), it was all my responsibility. We helped each other in other ways, but basic living was an ongoing problem. He did the garbage and some errands. But, for the most part, i paid handymen and housekeeper. Part was introvert versus extrovert, part I was the struggling homeowner trying to downsize while he was always mostly a renter with no understanding of the costs of home maintenance, etc. -- plus some other almost untenable communication issues. He is kind and is great with my grand kids. But, at my request, he is moving out in a week. I keep sobbing, because I did love him, but we were going downhill fast. I no longer know what love is. Anyone else have something like this? So different despite the chemistry and kindness, that not long term partner material? Is it best as we get older, to just live apart? Thoughts on the matter? I could use some grounding, before I get back into dating again.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 203 (view)
 
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/10/2015 5:02:30 PM
Wow, I initiated this thread a long time ago and it seems to be still going strong. I will have to take some time to read it and update myself. I believe still that both men and women can be victims of malice and deceit. The lesser versions of blaming someone for something you simply disagree on or the more passive aggressive acts, instead of just talking things out or being direct, is more prevalent. If two people cannot both grow, let alone grow a relationship, then it is very sad. If one person brings it to the edge with malicious deception and the other falls for it, then it has lasted way too long. As for me, I sadly don't have much more tolerance for even name calling, let alone all this drama. I have, I hope, learned this lesson--although clearly, another one always seems to arise. Of late, it has been a lack of balance of responsibility, growth and some sort of shared vision that has thrown me off balance emotionally. I don't fool easily any more. But what is said is that even in lesser situations, you can love some people, but just cannot live with them. So, often you just have to stop playing the game. With gaslighting, that is a game that has gone on way too long. I hope I never again see that one to rear it's ugly head. At some point, if you cannot trust your own instincts, how can you trust anyone else? For those suffering, please love yourself and get out of this kind of mess.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 67 (view)
 
I overheard this - I've had enough of relationships
Posted: 2/3/2014 12:00:29 AM
relationships go up and down. they have their good days and their bad days. you just heard him on a bad day. trading any person in for some thing is just not right. at that point, get out! i think the key is to get balance in one's life. it's hard, but a goal. people need both relationships and activities both with and w/o their significant others. or maybe just with friends. no one person can do it all for another person. i watch indie films. my guy likes "superman". sometimes we go our separate ways. other times take turns. relationships cannot fix you or fill up the hole inside. it is hard to find them, form them and keep them. what can i say? reality. if you are happy w/o then fine. with, then fine. somewhere in between? find the balance.

btw, came back on the forums to find some old friends. seems we all come and go. even if you don't want a romantic relationship, i can vouche that i've made some really good friends here, some no longer seeking, some still figuring it out.
 serenitycw
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
perimenopause and sex
Posted: 2/2/2014 11:45:43 PM
if your hormone levels put you in peri menapause, then you need to have a good "saavy" gyn prescribe you bio identical hormones. make sure you have your progesterone levels checked as well, as there is a balance between the two. most saavy gyn's will advise that the scary studies on estrogen and cancer have more to do with non bio identical hormones and an imbalance with sufficent progesterone. i had to start this late 40's and would have been later if i did not have lyme. however, there are many women who do go into perimenapause earlier. you might try the E ring (estring) or if oral hormones don't work, then one of the creams you rub into your arm. these can be expensive. half that price off canada drugs dot com--unless your insurance covers. they also help with uti's if insufficient lubrication. however, not sure about your expectations re how many times and how often in a 24 hour period you "should" be doing it. many younger women with sufficient hormone levels can also get irritated and dry up. also make sure you pee before sex!
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How Do You Know if you should wait to buy or refinance?
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:59:56 AM
i decided to refinance to get some money out of my house, so i could fix it and then sell it asap. i am worried that if i wait too long, i will get more money for my house, but my next and last house will also be more money and the rates may go up. my current house is too large and too costly. plus there is flood insurance.

the window of opportunity is to sell at a decent price and buy at an even more decent price. if you want to stay in the area but the goal is to downsize, assuming your have not lost too much or could go into foreclosure,then sell. if you plan to move out of area altogether soon, then refinance.

a good mortagage banker will show you your breakeven points and also look at your tax advantages. if you roll the points into the mortgage, you might have to wait longer for tax advantages. if only three years to go, you might want lower interest AND a shorter term mortgage or a five year arm with interest only. but, these are not necessarily good for longer term.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Strange mail - some sort of scam? Or just odd?
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:55:00 AM
she may have bookmarked your profile due to something you wrote. i have made many female and male "friends" here. if you did not see it, she may have erased it by then. a lot of people here, in fact i 'd venture most, lie about their ages. but yes, she could be a scammer. ask admin to investigate if it continues. they can read the mail with your permission. but, she provided no links, etc. so how exactly is she scamming? just don't answer her to be sure.

hmm.. just saw your last comment. maybe a transvestite? a lot of those here as well. oh well, they will investigate.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Your last glass of wine
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:51:32 AM
hmm. i thought you were going twelve step, by the title!
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 128 (view)
 
Do men really prefer blondes.? Does it matter if it is bleached?
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:49:48 AM
my guy is blonde and he prefers brunettes. i always have been attracted to blondes or men with blue or green eyes. also dimples and a cleft chin. he has it all. sigh..... but neither of us, made it a priority. still, it did foster the attraction.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Hunting pics
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:47:00 AM
i even rescue bugs and my goal is to be vegan. that being said, hunters often eat less meat than people who shop for cows in the supermarket. would one flaunting a pic with a dead animal or fish attract me? absolutely not. would i date a hunter? probably could not handle it. do i judge a hunter who is a real hunter and not going for trophies? yes, as long as a good shot and did not wound or torture an animal. would i prefer this was not the way of the world and that i was already a vegan as i still eat some poultry and fish? absolutely. does my boyfriend eat meat? yes, but not at my house. did my ex husbands? yes, we used different pots and i did not cook it.

we all have our attractions and preferences. i do judge people who only hunt to hang dead heads on their walls. they are trying to stop cage hunting in texas where they take a wild animal, let it loose, so some jerk can then shoot it and feel good about themselves. that to me is sickening, as is dog fighting, etc. these are not hunters, these are wannabees.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
copying accents
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:40:43 AM
don't feel bad. i spend so much time with my pit bull during the week, lately i've begun to bark and go up the stairs with him on all fours. okay just kidding, well maybe :)

my ex was from scotland. he sounded more and more like a brooklyn jew (me) as the years went by. not sure if i lived in scotland, i would have picked up their dialect. some have a knack for language. i pick up expressions, but not the accents.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 186 (view)
 
Shorter man Taller woman
Posted: 4/12/2013 12:23:10 AM
in my youth at 5'10", i dated a guy 5'6". back then this was not the norm. so, when we doubled we'd pretend we were with the other person's partner as he was 6'4" and my girlfriend 5'0". they did look a little odd as well, but nobody questioned them, as they did us.

then along came dustin hoffman who was dating a model and after that, i'd be damned if i waited around for a taller man. then of course tom cruise, not my favorite person, but a good example.

before i moved here and got married, dated a guy 5'8". thing was he carried himself very well and confidently and was a great dancer and could easily lead me. my ex was 6'8". to be frank he looked just as different as the shorter one!

of my past 3 adult relationships only one was my height. first boyfriend after my divorce and current are around 6'2". one is more muscular, one more slim like a runner. yes, it feels a bit better in general to have someone taller than me. but, i don't put height any higher on my list than the many other things that i look for in a man: eyes, smile, brain, touchy feely type, good kisser, has my back, good to kids and pets, funny.

then again, when lying down, who knows the difference? as to strength, height is not necessarily a measure of that or of any other measures, if you catch my subtle drift:)

recently a show on tv, had a mom born with no legs. her husband was huge. he was drawn to her personality and diligence. their kid too was tall.

ps not every woman wants money as indicated in other posts, unless maybe she had none of her own:) what i did want though, was intelligence and a good "energy".
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 119 (view)
 
Dateing in your 70ies
Posted: 4/10/2013 3:02:59 PM
i have two friends 70 and i might add who are both interesting role models for me as i near 65. neither one does the botox/filler journey which i admit i do to help look younger, but both make choices and live accordingly.

one had a wonderful husband for over 40 years. she is an active professional and leads many groups. she is not interested in meeting a man. plus, her husband was successful and gorgeous and she'd just like to leave the memory at that.

the other one dates several at a time and then focuses on one. she belongs to some sort of scientific dating site. she is very physically fit, although looks her age. still she dates men in their early 60's and that solves the problem for her. i might add that they "look" older. she does branch out and travels to see the men she choses and vice versa often in different states and is open to moving. she too was married over 40 years and nursed a sick husband for ten years.

boils down to how hard you want to try and how far you want to look. but then again, i have several beautiful female friends in their 40's, also unable to find men, and they are dating men the same age as the 70 year old! these men also don't look all that hot, but all are nice guys as are the women.

not everyone has the same story. if i stuck with statistics, i never would have been successful in my mostly male profession, never adopted teens in my 50's and never met my current guy who is 6 years younger. i was not looking for him, he found me after recuperating from my prior breakup.

so, bottom line: she has to want it and make it part of her plan and intention and then live her life in a manner that is conducive for it to happen. if she just hangs out with the girls, unless she is bi-sexual, she is more apt to hear a lot of whining. although, in retrospect, my single male friends, also whine a lot too!!! so stick with the winners and not the whiners:)
 
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