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 Author Thread: What can anyone tell me about polyamory?
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
What can anyone tell me about polyamory?
Posted: 10/26/2015 10:58:43 AM
"The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures" is an excellent resource for those interested or curious about polyamory. It's probably a good resource on communication within any sort of relationship.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 241 (view)
Best song one liners/lyrics you love
Posted: 3/17/2015 10:20:57 PM
Glenn Frey:

"There's another kind of poverty
That only rich men know
A moral malnutrition
That starves their very souls

And they can't be saved by money
They're all running out of time
And all the while they're thinkin'
"It's okay 'cause I've got mine"

I've got mine, I've got mine
I don't want a thing to change
'Cause I've got mine"
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 89 (view)
Why do so many men end up with unkind women
Posted: 1/11/2015 8:52:59 PM

It's not a trend, it's an agenda.

Well said.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 61 (view)
Has the definition of LTR changed or is there just much confusion.
Posted: 12/29/2014 11:12:10 AM

Wow even at 35 they are immature in mindset. Peter Pan fantasyland.

.... and then there's Wicked Witch of the West at 48.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 632 (view)
The Coffee Date
Posted: 12/23/2014 9:53:52 AM

This thread is like reality. Men are always telling women how they should act, feel and be like when they live day to day and it is this patronizing attitude that turns women completely off to men.

.... and I have a creeping feeling men feel the same about women. Maybe this is a "people" problem rather than a gender problem.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 204 (view)
Over 60, what do you men think about marriage?
Posted: 7/21/2014 11:39:12 AM

We start from a position of "why WOULD you get married", instead of "why WOULDN'T you" - there should be a reason to DO something, beyond "Well, it's what people have always done - it's what society expects of you" - and we have that view because we've not found that marriage gives any noticeable benefit to the relationship - it doesn't make it stronger, it doesn't make it last, it doesn't make either side work harder at it.

Thanks, Your-Move! It's always great to find my own views so well-articulated by someone else....
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 52 (view)
Herpes Reality/ Herpes Challenge
Posted: 2/8/2014 6:58:47 PM
I couldn't find anything on different strains of HSV2 either although I didn't do an exhaustive search. I do have access to a lot of medical information but ... not everything that's ever been published. Below is from UpToDate[i/] which is a reputable on-line compendium of information for medical professionals that is evidence-based.

VIROLOGY — Herpes simplex virus (HSV) is a member of the Herpesviridae family of viruses. It contains a double-stranded linear DNA genome that consists of 150,000 base pairs that encode for more than 80 polypeptides, a capsid consisting of 162 capsomeres arranged in icosahedral symmetry that is covered by a tightly adherent membranous tegument, and an envelope consisting of 11 glycoproteins (gB, gC, gD, gE, gG, gH, gI, gJ, gK, gL, and gM), lipids, and polyamines that surrounds the viral nucleocapsid (picture 1) [5]. Like all Herpesviridae viruses, HSV shares the biological properties of latency and reactivation, which causes recurrent infections in the host.

HSV enters the human host through inoculation of oral, genital, or conjunctival mucosa or breaks in skin, infects the sensory nerve endings, and then transports via retrograde axonal flow to the dorsal root ganglia, where it remains for the life of the host. The fetus may be infected transplacentally or through retrograde spread through ruptured or seemingly intact membranes [5]. Latent virus is not susceptible to antiviral drugs, and infection, even after antiviral therapy, is lifelong.

HSV replicates efficiently in cell cultures, quickly producing lytic cytopathic effect in one to three days in most cell lines used in clinical virology laboratories (picture 2). The virus can be typed into HSV type 1 and HSV type 2 using serologic and molecular techniques. The DNA of HSV-1 and HSV-2 contain many homologous sequences distributed over the entire genome of both types, which produce both unique (gG) and antigenically similar polypeptides [5]. This cross-reactivity between HSV-1 and HSV-2 glycoproteins is the reason most commercially available serologic assays cannot distinguish between HSV-1 and HSV-2 antibodies.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 37 (view)
Is 'Respect' an Overused Word..?
Posted: 5/12/2013 7:22:32 PM
I'd wholeheartedly agree with the 'wordscraper', Mr. Houndoug:

Perhaps the whole use or misuse of respect could be what a person "expects" as opposed to what a person thinks he or she is "entitled" to.

The part of respect I find overused is the phrase "He/She disrespected me". Seems to ring hollow in my ear.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 156 (view)
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:36:37 PM
Geesh ... I ain't askin' any guy to please me doing something he hates (or finds boring). No way. The next thing ya' know, he'll be askin' me to help him snake the toilet and ... I ain't flippin' doin' that!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 38 (view)
Bedtime rule Question for men
Posted: 3/27/2013 1:00:28 PM
Contrary to what some believe, the research shows you can't simply reset an internal clock. Even the start of DST can disrupt sleep/wake cycles.

It might help if he read some of the latest research on internal clocks, early birds and night owls. Here's a link:
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 326 (view)
His opinions are top notch!
Posted: 2/23/2013 7:41:35 PM
I don't think I've ever been granted a 'woman card'. I figure if a guy's respecting my need (as a "foodie") for great food and supplying me with same or even supplying me with the opportunity for same, I'm happy whether there's coupon involvement or not.

I'll even go so far as to say:

... if the coupon covers osso buco at a great Italian restaurant I'll cover the entire tip on the entire uncouponed bill. As a matter of fact, if we've had awesome conversation AND awesome osso buco ... I'll cover the wine.

... if you live in San Diego and have a coupon for a great sushi place and I get at least 2 pieces of fatty tuna ... I'll fly out there so you can use your coupon.

Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
Has the internet made people socially stagnant?
Posted: 2/19/2013 9:38:24 AM
My vote goes to this:

Kids today are social retards because their parents did not understand the difference between manageable risk and real danger, and have created a protected environment where kids are not able to learn to deal with adversity and thus producing kids that have trouble dealing with other people.

It's interesting ... there's a bunch of research out there about children needing free play time to develop social abilities as well as creativity. Instead parents today put kids in 'school' at age 2, day care provides structured play time with structured, supervised 'games', and we keep middle schoolers in soccer, ballet, gymnastics, art lessons, music lessons ... and structure their entire existence.

No ... I don't think the internet is entirely responsible for social stagnation.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 98 (view)
Discrepancy in income - your thoughts/experiences?
Posted: 1/20/2013 5:30:10 PM
I think the bottom line is reciprocity within a relationship. That said ... reciprocity can take many forms. I don't need income parity but I do expect reciprocity regarding 'deposits' into the financial costs of a relationship. I'll pay for dinner, vacations, etc for the next year if you want to build a totally awesome deck off the back of my house!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 97 (view)
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 1/7/2013 9:45:50 PM

Move on, learn from your mistakes, and don't assume that because someone did that once or twice, that is an embedded habit in their DNA. Merely a mistake in judgment, unless they demonstrate that same behavior for you.

This is, in my view, incredibly important. Assumptions constrain our thinking ... by not getting 'at' the truth and not letting our minds grow past our own stereotypes and perceptions. Not to mention the fact too many deal breakers and red flags constrain our dating pool.

Am I advocating not having deal breakers or red flags ... nope. There's some sort of middle ground to be had!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 700 (view)
Paternity fraud might come to an end
Posted: 12/23/2012 4:18:12 PM
I don't know .... personally, I ain't talkin' if there's nobody really listening.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 77 (view)
Have you ever been attracted to somebody because of what they post.
Posted: 10/29/2012 9:35:14 PM
BF ... if you like Billie, bet you'd like Madeleine Peyroux, a French-American blues artist.

OT ... yeah, I'm attracted to people who can write ... especially from down under.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 129 (view)
Should I confess to cheating in the first 2 weeks of relationship?
Posted: 10/7/2012 6:28:35 PM
I, too, am amazed at the number of people advising the OP to 'not tell'. I'm also surprised by those who feel her commitment was really not a commitment at all ... because she was bullied, because it was too early, because he's flawed ... just because.

I don't see a grey zone here. To me, it's about integrity ... it's about morals and ethics, about the "soundness of moral character". Yes, everyone makes mistakes but part of having integrity is to own up to those mistakes and be willing to accept the consequences. It's not only about honesty ... it's about who you are as a person.

I don't see bullying here. I'd think that if an adult is bullied into a commitment, recognizes they've been bullied ... they'd want to avoid any sort of on-going relationship with the person using that form of persuasion. Unless, of course, that's part of the MO you want in the relationship. Most people stay away from bullies.

Those advocating keeping quiet to protect the guy need to recognize that protecting another from a truth is a very slippery slope. Part of the slipperiness has to do with deciding you are the better judge of what the other person can handle. Another is that you limit their choices. At worst, it's an assumption of control over another ... whether for inherently good reasons or bad reasons.

In my view, when you make a commitment you honor it. Doesn't matter that it was a stupid commitment, a bad commitment, a crazy commitment ... or an informed, rational commitment. You made it and you honor it until such time as you renegotiate that commitment. If you can't honor it ... you own up to it and take the consequences.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 32 (view)
contraception fact or fiction,
Posted: 7/8/2012 11:44:41 AM

Yes. HPV is considered a significant risk factor with respect to cervical cancer. Hopefully, most sexually active adults are aware there is no such thing as "safe" sex, only "safer" sex. I hope you aren't suggesting that the fact condoms aren't foolproof means they are not worthwhile?

Nope ... would never suggest condoms aren't worthwhile in preventing any STD. Certainly they reduce risk, including HPV. Certainly there is, indeed, only safer sex. Was simply pointing out that "unclad" is not the only way HPV is acquired. Which means, as women, we need to continue testing for HPV/cervical cancer (as well as other STDs) regardless of whether we indulge in "unclad" or "clad" sex.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
contraception fact or fiction,
Posted: 7/7/2012 4:16:59 PM

Also, the risk of cervical cancer increases with the number of exposures women have to different "unclad" partners.[/qyote]

Hate to be the bearer of 'bad tidings' but ... the risk of cervical cancer is related to the risk of contracting a high-risk HPV (high risk for cervical cancer). THAT risk is also associated with "clad" partners ... it's a field virus and can be spread in spite of condom use. Look it up.

You are the one responsible for your own health and well being. [/qyote]

Totally agree!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
Judging a book by its cover and not its content.
Posted: 7/4/2012 9:48:53 AM
As someone once succinctly put it:

How you see the outside is a result of what you’re doing on the inside ...
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
Cataract surgery
Posted: 6/29/2012 8:52:42 PM
I've had cataracts removed from both eyes. The one 10 years ago required an eye shield for 3 days and frequent eye drops. That one the surgeon managed to abrade my cornea so I had pain for 24 hours after. Didn't keep me from working the following day but I can't say I was comfortable. For about a week after that it was occasionally irritated but nothing painful.

The second was a breeze. The surgical procedure was much different and there was no pain at all. Irritation for 24 hours occasionally but after that I'd sometimes forget to put the drops in 'cause it felt too normal.

Vision takes a little longer to stabilize depending on how it heals and how quickly the swelling goes down.

There are also new varieties of replacement lenses out now that are like having a bionic eye ...

Ping me if you want some details.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
Do you think that partners should ask for medical proof, before enteing into
Posted: 6/27/2012 4:49:49 PM
I'm not sure there's a "clean slate" mental health affidavit that any psychiatrist would sign. It would have the same value as a "clean bill of health" when you go in for a physical. Getting one doesn't mean you won't drop dead of a heart attack tomorrow or get diagnosed with cancer next month.

When there are no manifestations of disease (signs, symptoms), whether mental or physical, it's rather impossible to say there is NO disease/diagnosis.

Called a psychiatrist friend of mine about this. There was a long pause on the phone ... She said, "I think I'd be more interested in evaluating the person who wants this "clean slate" ".

Testing for STDs is a bit different then "testing" for mental illness ... just sayin'
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 60 (view)
Fellow men, have you felt this way also??
Posted: 6/24/2012 2:59:38 PM
Not everyone should have children some just do not have the same nurturing feelings

... or some may extend those same nurturing feelings to someone other than a child ...
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
help i just was gifted with 25lb of basamati rice
Posted: 5/9/2012 7:43:44 PM
As noted by one poster, Basmati rice has a fragrant, mildly sweet, nutty flavor. Actually, aged Basmati only gets better so don't worry about using it quickly.

THE best recipe I've found for cooking Basmati:

1. Measure 1 c basmati and place in a large bowl. Fill the bowl with cold water and gently swirl the rice. The water will be cloudy. Carefully pour off the water and and fill the bowl again. Repeat 6-8 times.

2. Fill the bowl again with cold water and let soak for 20-30 minutes. Drain the rice in a strainer for 20 mins.

3. Place 1 T oil in a heavy pot and place over med-high heat. Add the rice and saute gently for about 1 min.

4. Add 1 1/3 c cold water to the pot. Stir gently. When it comes to a boil, cover with foil and then with a tight-fitting lid.

5. Cook it at very, very low heat for 25 mins. Even better, place the pot (covered with foil and the lid) and bake at 325 degrees for 25 mins.

6. When the time is up, take it off the heat or out of the oven. Let rest for 3-5 mins. and gently remove with a slotted spoon. You really don't have to 'fluff' it!

Why all this trouble to cook rice? 'Cause it comes out perfect, doesn't clump, and each grain is separate. It can be refrigerated for 3-4 days.

If you want some Asian or Indian recipes to serve over rice, ping me and I'll send you ... a bunch or a few!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
Appalachian Trail Thru Hike..
Posted: 5/7/2012 9:54:25 PM
The AT is totally awesome. I haven’t done a thru-hike but managed to hike the NC, TN,VA, WV, MA, ME and parts of PA over about a 15 year span. I started at the top of Mt. Katahdin and made it through ME but decided I wasn’t EVEN going to try the White Mountains. I never did although I lived in NH and hiked pieces and parts. Starting at Mt. Katahdin is probably not the best idea. The northernmost sections are way past difficult (in my view) and the weather in the White Mountains can be crippling.

Preparation is key. I started hiking it 30 years ago when hiking gear was much heavier and information much scarcer. GPS and cell phones make the whole process a lot easier, not to mention the tremendous support you can get from the Appalachian Trail Club, books and maps … your family and friends.

Part of preparation is being in good shape and lots of preparatory trips with your gear. People can give you lots of tips but, in the end, it’s about those trips and what you learn from them. It’s about getting in the right mind space to solve problems on the fly, to understand that there are going to be terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days … and there are going to be days that feed your soul in ways you never anticipated.

Some interesting things I learned:

1. There aren’t enough calories you can consume to equal the number you’ll expend. You’re gonna lose weight.

2. Getting gear wet is far from totally awesome.

3. The southern switchbacks to gain altitude are much easier on quads than the northern straight-up, steep climbs.

4. If you become clumsy-footed, you’ve hiked past enough. An accident is right around the next rock in the trail.

5. Having a daily goal is good ... sticking to it, regardless, is not.

6. It’s not about finishing … it’s about living each moment.

7. Bears aren’t a huge problem unless you’re unlucky or don’t listen to the experts when they inform you about precautions.

8. Your worries need to center around food, keeping warm (yes, even in summer!), water, and having a plan for injuries.

9. Black cherry Kool-Aid tastes like ambrosia when you’ve been drinking only water for 2 weeks. Your taste buds will get up and sing and dance … an introduction to the greatest love of your life.

10. The second love of your life ... will be the flip-flops you decided to throw in at the last minute.

I’d do it again. I’m insanely jealous of anyone trying for a thru-hike. But, alas … I’m simply not willing to do it alone.

It’s a glorious piece of the US.

Edit: OP .. just looked at your profile. You can ignore pretty much all this post! I'd bet you've climbed and hiked enough to be in the 'know'!!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 49 (view)
Intelligence and compatibility
Posted: 5/7/2012 1:37:55 PM

Its not a stupid description it is an actual age old chinese proverb. Look it up yourself before calling something that existed before you were ever born stupid.

I'm not sure that just because it's an age old chinese proverb that makes it any less stupid ... or that it makes it any truer ... or that it makes it less about a stereotype.

But, back to the topic. I don't have any hard and fast rules about intelligence in someone I date. I do have some soft and mushy rule about liking guys who have interests, passions, ideas and like to pursue them. And ... I'm especially enamored of those with critical thinking skills.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
Grace is Gone
Posted: 5/3/2012 7:51:32 PM

there's always that little voice in the back of my mind, like a little devil sitting on my shoulder saying "remember that s.h.i.t.? You know what happens next!"

Tell that little voice to 'stuff it' ... or simply develop a louder voice that reminds you of the wonderful memories of what love felt like ... before the s.h.i.t. ... 'cause it had to have been pretty awesome. And ... just remember, you stepped in that s.h.i.t one time but that doesn't possibly mean you have to do it again. Love is a wonderful thing so don't cut yourself off from it.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 29 (view)
The Inherent Danger of Feeling Clever
Posted: 5/2/2012 8:37:19 PM
Ah! ... but there's such a thing as over-generalization. Few accurate results occur using an n=1.

I'd say misinformation, misconceptions, and over-generalizations are not good things.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 35 (view)
Be Honest...Are You Shallow?
Posted: 4/25/2012 6:53:22 PM
I don't have a pic on my profile. I message men who don't have pics ... and men who do. 'Cause it doesn't matter to me since a pic can be misleading and (at least in my experience) mostly is.

I'm a 3-dimensional shallow person ... if they don't pass my beholder's beauty 'eye' in person, it probably isn't going much of anywhere. Although that's not cast in concrete either. I can fall in love with a perfectly gorgeous brain.

A pic doesn't tell me much that's ipso facto ... truth.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 298 (view)
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 4/12/2012 1:46:13 PM
ItsMargo ... post #385.

You've articulated well my own thoughts and concerns.

Thank you.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 44 (view)
Post Meopause: Vaginal Atrophy & Hormone Replacement Therapy [HRT]
Posted: 3/29/2012 12:16:36 AM
Yes, the risk of risk of developing an invasive breast cancer increases by ~25% for those taking HRT. But let's put the risks ... and benefits into perspective.

Over 1 year, 10,000 women taking HRT compared to placebo might experience:

• 8 more strokes
• 7 more heart attacks
• 8 more invasive breast cancers

• 6 fewer colorectal cancers
• 5 fewer hip fractures.

Just sayin'.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
What would you do?
Posted: 3/28/2012 7:12:02 PM
I don't know ... might approach, might not depending on circumstances.

I just recently had an interesting experience that makes it more likely that I might say something. A guy contacted me, we exchanged a couple of e-mails, I sent a pic .... and his response was "I'm not really attracted but hope you find what you're looking for".

About a week later he was at a big get-together one of my friends threw. We were standing in a group together discussing something political for about half an hour. I wandered off and he joined a group I was with discussing container gardening. He looked at me and said I looked familiar. So I told him where we'd 'met'. Instead of running away, he looked me in the eye and said something about that being a lesson to him and that people can be a lot more attractive in person.

I grinned. We've shared some time together and enjoyed. I must admit ... I do much better dating IRL than on POF.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 876 (view)
Not giving sex away without the relationship
Posted: 3/19/2012 8:24:45 PM

Interesting that so many men have an issue with the words "giving it away" when the woman refers to sex but have no issue with using 'giving it up" when referring to his freedom.. And discussing how many men use the term "giving it up"when referring to sex is a whole 'nother thread.. Why is it perceived to have such different meanings and levels of insult depending on the gender of who says it??

I don't refer to sex as "giving it up" or "giving it away". I refer to sex as sharing it. If I'm sexually attracted and he is too, we'll likely be "sharing it" without either of us having to "give up" much of anything including our independence and freedom. Don't know about calling it "casual sex" ... sex isn't very casual to me 'cause I enjoy it too much.

Being sexually attracted to a man is not a good enough reason for a woman to sleep with him right away. There are often safety issues for her to consider.

Don't know about that since it certainly doesn't fit me ... speaking for women, even in general, is a bit of a generalization.

You have to be kidding. Are you really losing something by having sex? If so, does your partner know you think of sex that way? On the other hand, I can certainly list several things I gave up for relationships. What have you ever given up by having sex with someone? If there was nothing I had to give up for a relationship, I'd have gotten married long before now - maybe several times. If you don't see the difference between that and having casual sex, you don't place much value on your freedom and independence, or you don't care much for sex, or both.

May be posted by a guy ... but as a woman, I'd have to agree. I haven't gotten married again because I've felt I'd be giving too much up. When I feel I won't be giving too much up ... I'll consider marriage again.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 41 (view)
My Porch
Posted: 3/15/2012 9:01:26 PM
I live in a major metropolitan area. For a year had a house with a covered front porch that ran the length of it, complete with porch swing and two 'ceiling' fans. The neighborhood (especially my street) was perfectly diverse ... university students, a professor, old married couples, young married couples, a single woman with adult children at home, a single woman with 2 small children, a carpenter, a filmmaker.

The second week in that house, I was sitting on the front porch and one of my neighbors came over and introduced herself and asked if she could 'sit'. From then on there were few times I sat on the front porch and didn't have someone asking to 'sit'. At times there were 6-7 people on that porch.

What was amazing about all this is that it wasn't the 'old' folks (like myself) who came most often to sit ... it was the younger crowd ... university students, those living in garage apartments, the adult children from across the street. Over the year I lived there ... we talked of many things. There were no electronic devices and phones seemed to mysteriously stay in pockets.

Someone would bring a six-pack, someone else a pitcher of tea, maybe a bag of chips and salsa would appear. Everyone asked if they could 'sit' or join in. All I had to do was yawn, stretch, and say "OK guys, I'm about done". Hugs would go 'round the porch and within 5 minutes the porch was empty.

I'm currently looking for a house to buy ... #1 on my list of "must-haves" is a front porch.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
Can food change your mood?
Posted: 1/25/2012 3:00:11 PM
There's a group called the Institute for Brain Potential that does national one-day conferences on new developments in brain research. They do one called "Food for Thought: How Nutrients Affect Mental Health and the Brain".

It's great ... and costs less than an arm and a leg ...
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 83 (view)
Health Problems
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:25:53 PM
I am somewhat amazed by those who believe that “taking care of themselves” will prevent such health problems as heart attacks, high blood pressure, diabetes, kidney disease. Living a healthy lifestyle can certainly lower your RISK of developing such health problems … but it certainly doesn’t prevent them. Believe it or not … genetics plays a role in these problems.

If you have no health problems and don’t take prescription drugs to maintain your health over the age of 50 … take a moment to make obeisance to your family tree. Then … go pat yourself on the back for maintaining that healthy lifestyle.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 144 (view)
Is it OK for a wife to kiss and hug all her male friends.
Posted: 1/2/2012 10:32:03 AM
I'm a hugger too ... and most of my friends are exactly the same. It's a close-knit group of people who care about and for each other. Hugs between us are for showing caring and affection whether between genders or within genders. They'd be left wondering what the h--- was happening if I suddenly stopped giving hugs ... just like I would wonder if they stopped.

That said, my affection for my friends would be obvious from the first time a man I was dating met them. If he found that sort of affection offensive or distasteful ... we wouldn't be dating long! My friends have been in my life for years and I can't imagine withdrawing those signs of my affection and caring for them because a new man in my life questioned it. I'll talk about it, explain it, discuss it, but ... in the end I'd like him to find a 'comfort zone' with it.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 679 (view)
Is the new Independent woman really interested in guys
Posted: 12/4/2011 9:53:30 PM
I think this whole thread is pretty amazing. It’s like a tennis match with words instead of rackets and balls. We’re each on our side of the court trying to ‘score’ points. It’s a battle of the genders trying for a win-lose ending to the game.

Personally, I don’t find my relationships are games that settle out that way because I’m not interested in winning points for my female gender ‘side’ and I’m not much interested in a relationship with a guy who wants to score points from the opposite gender base.

Ultimately, a relationship that works for me is one that’s negotiated … for a win-win. Concretely that may follow gender roles … or it may not. I don’t particularly care which gender ‘lines’ are crossed and which are followed. I like to cook … my guy can clean up afterwards. He likes to cook … I’ll clean up afterwards. We both like to cook … we cook, we clean.

He hates yard work but doesn’t mind ‘managing’ the cars … done deal, ‘cause I’m happy to mow the lawn. I hate dusting so he can do that while I vacuum. We can work it out. All of it needs to be done … so you do what you like, I do what I like and what we both don’t like, we share.

I’ve lived in a house with a wood stove for heat. Three to four cords of wood were delivered in 10-12 ft log lengths every early spring. That meant chain saws for cutting it up and mauls to split it. Neither of us was concerned about a 50/50 production split … there was no way a 5’ 4” 125# person could cut and split as much wood as a 6’ 2” 200# person. But that wasn’t the goal … the goal was to work together to get the job done.

Am I independent? Depends on how you define it. I’m single so it all falls on my shoulders … it’s my responsibility. But that doesn’t translate to doing it all … it translates to getting it all done.

I need/want people in my life to give me emotional support. Does that make me dependent? If I have a man in my life, I need/want his emotional support too. I need/want help with jobs around and in the house that I can’t do. If I had a man in my life, I’d need/want his help with those. I don’t ‘pride’ myself on not needing anyone. But I do pride myself on taking responsibility for my own needs … and getting them met.

Could I be completely independent? Probably … I think that’s called survival. I want more in my life than just survival … I want to thrive. In my view, part of thriving is shared burdens … and shared rewards whether with family and friends or a SO. Better yet would be all those.

I don’t care what you call it … independence, dependence, interdependence. It’s just a label … I want/need that life.

Am I interested in guys? You betcha’ … finding “A” guy would be totally awesome. But he better be a good negotiator!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 35 (view)
Is a yeast infection a STD???
Posted: 11/27/2011 8:43:15 PM
... and you're totally correct, shinebright.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 55 (view)
no pic: worth the risk?
Posted: 11/27/2011 2:37:11 PM
I'm perfectly happy those who feel not having a profile pic posted is 'shady', deceptive, a red flag (or whatever negative assumption they want to make) skip my profile.

Saves me from the negative energy ... and they dodged a 'bullet'. It's all good.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 283 (view)
Is the new Independent woman really interested in guys
Posted: 11/26/2011 10:21:32 PM
I agree SS.

And it mostly goes like this ...

I have a gate that keeps hanging up on the sidewalk because it's come loose from the wall it's attached to. I have no great love for drills and nails. Can I fix it? ... you betcha'. But ... it keeps dropping to the bottom of my 'to-do' list 'cause ... I have no great love for drills and nails.

One of my guy friends loves drills and nails. He owns 3 drills and countless nails. He buys them by the gross. He hates cooking. Can he? ... yeah.

I call him up and offer him Marinated Skirt Steak with a side of Asparagus with Prosciutto to come over with his drill and work majic on my gate. He accepts ... fixes my gate and enjoys his meal.

Am I dependent? Am I independent? Am I self-reliant? Or ... did I just negotiate a win-win deal? Or ... a little of all of the above?

Call me what you like ... I'm happy and he has a full belly and is happy too!

That's the way I see good relationships working for me ... a little of all of the above.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 33 (view)
How much emphasis to you place on personal attributes versus personal achievement?
Posted: 11/7/2011 2:14:11 PM
Hmmm ... I don't particularly place emphasis on either utilitarian or non-utilitarian qualities. My emphasis is placed on someone whose personality is flexible and open giving lots of room to develop our own relationship using whatever 'gifts' we have whether they be utilitarian or non-utilitarian.

I'd like to be appreciated for who and what I am ... some of that has to do with intellect, with humor, with compassion but some of it also is wrapped up in what I can do; cook ( no, really ... I mean COOK), lay tile, sew curtains, have a career. I'm all of that. I'd expect he's all of who and what he is too. It's simply a mutual admiration society of two who go about managing what it takes to grow a life together ... by both utilitarian and non-utilitarian means.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
men who cant help starring at other women
Posted: 11/7/2011 8:09:29 AM
Personally I'd just as soon he stare his heart out ... as long as it produces the obvious 'results'. Then I can take him home and reap the obvious benefits.

Just sayin'
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 47 (view)
Posted: 11/4/2011 1:03:58 PM
Some thoughts:

I'm not going to guess whether you're trying to leverage marriage with sex. I'm not going to try to 'read' anything into your desire to be celibate in order to be closer to your Lord.

But ... if I were your guy I'd be asking myself:

1. What else will I be asked to sacrifice (in terms of my needs, wants, desire, beliefs) on the altar of your Lord? For example, will I be asked to forgo sex again when all the babies are born and we're not 'procreating' and therefore shouldn't be having sex just for pleasure since it's against your religious beliefs and you decide you want to be celibate again?

2. Does respecting you always translate to a stalemate where there is no win-win but only win-lose?

3. In the scheme of your beliefs, values, and priorities; where do I fall? If you can exit this relationship over this issue, what else will you exit over?

4. Would she be interested in some couples counseling to see if we can learn to communicate on a deeper level?

5. Are there any other non-negotiable demands I'm supposed to meet?

I do believe respect works both ways. I don't believe the definition of respect includes 'if you respect me, you'll honor my wishes in full'.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 303 (view)
Have you ever dated someone with Borderline Personality?
Posted: 10/23/2011 2:39:04 PM
OT: Nope ... won't date someone with BPD. I work with them in my job so I don't want to come home to someone with that issue.


I just read where they are now trying to make road rage a disorder. The drug companies are trying to pass a bill to allow 2 year olds to take anti depressants. 70% of mental drugs are taken by one country; the U.S. Prescription drugs now kill more people than heroine, cocaine/crack, and meth COMBINED.

I think we live in a society that always wants an excuse to be able to justify their bad behavior. I've worked with the mentally ill; Im in Medicine; and you know who's really ill and who isn't.

I think anxiety attacks, anti depressants, all this stuff is out of control and much of it is nonsense. Instead of counseling and talking to people, we drug them.

In general, I agree although I wouldn't lay the complete blame at the drug company's door. Some added thoughts:

1. People seem to want to psychopathologize themselves and everyone else. The availability of information about the diagnosis of different forms of mental illness gives the illusion that anyone can do it ... so they do. Just look at the forums and the ability of forumites to 'nail' the diagnosis based on the behavior of a former spouse (or BF/GF), or on a short desciption of someone's behavior, or on nothing more than to underline "I don't agree with/like what you just said so you're a ------".

That sort of thinking translates to more people pushed/going into 'treatment'. And the easiest for everyone involved is drugs ... right, wrong, effective, ineffective ... it's what people do. For example, the efficacy of an anti-depressant is from 30-40% but there are an incredible number of people taking those drugs.

2. We have a tendency, as a society, to be intolerant of the negative emotions ... anger, sadness, guilt, shame, grief, loneliness. We want them to go away ... right now. We don't tolerate them in others. Counseling requires time, energy, accountability and responsibility ... drugs require you to swallow them.

Just thoughts ...
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
Can you help me understand this?
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:02:49 PM
I won't argue independence, giving it up or sharing it; interdependence and what that has to do with independence ... or not; whether you're 'ready' for a relationship or not; phobias and what they are or aren't.

I'd simply suggest you find another counselor/therapist but one who specializes in CBT ... Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You obviously have insight into your self and have some idea of what you'd like to change since you know what your destructive thoughts are. CBT takes insight and puts it into a series of behavior changes. It gives you skills/tools to change reactions based on old tapes that run in your head telling you ... "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worthy". It gives you practice in how to avoid those "automatic responses".

Good Luck!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
Guys, how to deal with an F U and never call me Dad from kids?
Posted: 8/17/2011 5:34:12 PM
Teens are notoriously reactive at 18 … it’s part of development. Everything is black and white. I wouldn’t take his words as a lifetime sentence.

Simply … I’d write him back and tell him I was really hurt by his e-mail. I would tell him I love him no matter what his decision is about my offer. I’d tell him my door is always open to him because I love him and care about him. I’d ask him if he’d be willing to talk about why he told me to f--- off and never talk to him again.

Don’t make assumptions, don’t ask anyone else (his mom, etc) what might or might not have happened … ask him.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
Ending Up Alone - Who fears The Reaper?
Posted: 8/15/2011 6:37:59 PM
I dunno ... I hesitate to take someone with me ... so, I guess when it comes time, I'll do it alone ...
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 88 (view)
Abuse: Recognizing NARCISSISTIC partners and knowing when to call it quits -- DO IT EARLY!
Posted: 8/9/2011 6:58:02 PM
Well said ... and I totally agree. Thanks, sweetness!
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 183 (view)
The Ripple Effect
Posted: 7/3/2011 8:44:43 PM
My intention is not to disagree with message #192 because I do agree … in it’s essence.

But I have trouble with the broad words used in this thread. Although the ripple effect was first described by a teacher regarding the effects teachers could have on students, as noted it spread outside that realm. For example, global economics talks about the effects of the economics of one country affecting the economics of all countries. Politicians talk about the ripple effect of laws, of grass roots movements, of the ‘other’ party, of Supreme Court decisions, etc. Doctors talk about the effects of drug advertising and it’s impact on prescribing habits and ultimately on the cost of health care. You get my drift.

At this point, the ripple effect is essentially a mainstream concept with many applications.

Introspection is defined as “observation or examination of one’s own mental and emotional state, mental processes”. Or simply put “the act of looking within oneself”. By nature it is a self-centered process. I think many people are introspective.

What you’re addressing here has more to do with introspection along a specific path with a specific end point or conclusion … looking within oneself and arriving at the knowledge that what we do negatively or positively affects others. Further, that effect forms a connection to a larger human “family” … to those others, to that something bigger. Still further, the leap from that human connectedness to “no one’s existence or importance is greater than anyone else’s”.

But introspection could lead to a different conclusion when starting from the same point. That’s why we have different philosophies, different tenets, different beliefs, different ‘truths’.

So … although I share your belief, I do recognize that introspective people are not particularly rare. Those that share this application of the ripple effect and this conclusion may very well be rare. On POF, I personally find them as rare as hen’s teeth!
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