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 Author Thread: Exclusively dating for 5-months, he appears as online today
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Exclusively dating for 5-months, he appears as online today
Posted: 4/22/2017 7:25:10 PM
You either trust him or you don't. You either tell him why you were on his profile and it weirded you out that his profile showed him online. Some people do read the forums and I had several friends who I only talked to over here. Most of them are now on FB but there are still a couple of people I try to reach regularly but they don't log on, lol.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Married in 2 weeks, pregnant in 6
Posted: 4/22/2017 7:13:32 PM
Most people do not want to rush into things but if the future you imagine for yourself is way the hell out there from what she thinks she wants out of life, why waste each other's time? So what if they're taking your marriage pulse, you essentially dismissed them for doing that instead of getting to know them, this goes both ways.

Try having fun and don't worry about the questions unless it truly feels more like an interview than a coffee or meal. On the other hand, are you trying to spark any conversation or are you getting questions because no one is really talking? If you don't like the way a conversation is going do you do anything to steer the topic somewhere else?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Guy I dated briefly has a new girlfriend but still wants to hang out. Why?
Posted: 4/22/2017 7:04:12 PM
I've changed a lot in the last 10 years with respect to how I would feel about the situation is that you shouldn't give a shit why he is doing anything. Either you enjoy the behavior and know that he is never going to date you and you actually want him for a friend or you don't. It's really that simple. He isn't sending you mixed messages. He doesn't want to date you but he likes to hang out and might even hope to get a shag, but who cares?

What do you want? If you don't enjoy the situation you can easily unfollow him and not respond when he IMs you, or you can unfriend him. I'm friends with numerous guys I have dated but as another poster said, I am not a secret to the girlfriend or wife. Why are you friends with this guy and um do you really want to be something more when he is not honest with the other woman in his life? He has been honest with you, she's the one that is in the dark as to who and what her boyfriend is.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Can i get used to a heavy smoker?
Posted: 12/13/2016 5:41:11 AM
When I pull up to a light I can smell someone's cigarette in another car when the windows are up on both, so no he isn't bullshitting with that one.

She isn't going to quit if she didn't when she was ill. So if you stay with her it is going to be a huge adjustment for you and you potentially watching her health decline more quickly because she's smoking. And seriously, grow a set and tell her your issues. Who knows, you could be the catalyst for her at least trying to give them up.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is growing apart a justifiable excuse?
Posted: 12/13/2016 5:33:21 AM
I would tend to agree that the growing apart often happens when one person is maturing and whatnot and the other is sitting and spinning but I also totally disagree with the friend thing, but then again I value my friends far beyond someone I share interests with and actually most of my friends over the years I haven't become friends with because of shared interests but places, work, church, kid activities.

My life would be utterly boring if my friends were carbon copies of myself and I don't collect friends because I need buddies with whom to spend my time, my friends and I are there to share the good and hard times together. I also trust them, there are so many ingredients in a relationship that are based on trust, love and mutual respect, starting off a relationship without that in any kind of way just seems pointless.

The last relationship I was in supposedly started as friendship. I believe one of the reasons it hurt when he bailed was because it is not the behavior I expect from friends. I was so ill I could barely function and he went radio silent. This is significantly different than the behavior of all of my friends who were there for me through that medical debacle and the next.

And here's the thing. Yes, marriages that begin young don't necessarily last but I also know many different couples who marry young and are still happy and one of the reasons they are is that they are their spouse's best friend. If you communicate and really take the other person's feelings into consideration I don't think you do grow apart, you both grow but you still have that basis for the relationship and that my friend is most often friendship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 136 (view)
 
Tattoos or No Tattoos?
Posted: 12/12/2016 10:46:25 PM
I've always personally had mixed feelings about tats because my mother's generation denigrated people who had them but my oldest brother has several very beautiful tattoos so I have also always loved them. I have three tattoos, first one when I was 48 :) The first was a breast cancer tat I got with my daughter to remind us always how lucky I am to be here. The other too also had "reasons" behind them and are pretty. Not a fan of some tats I personally deem ugly but I can appreciate people's reasons for whatever they wind up doing.

Don't get a tattoo to impress or attract anyone, get it because it means something to you and because you want to wear it for the rest of your life barring painful removal surgery
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 95 (view)
 
Nipples or No Nipples, That is the Question
Posted: 12/12/2016 10:28:04 PM
Lucid glad you are doing well too. I did what I could before my first cancer surgery which was like surgery 5 for me at the time, but I had more lead time before the second bc surgery so I tried to spend as much time in the pool getting into the best shape I could.

Moonbeam I would like to do cherry blossoms across the chest just haven't found design and artist I want to work with yet.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 89 (view)
 
Nipples or No Nipples, That is the Question
Posted: 12/6/2016 7:12:51 PM
Norwegian guy, you would have liked my nipples, the temperature dial was always on cold, it was kind of irritating, plus back in the day it was such a great look volunteering at school lol. Considering a lifetime of sometimes (because I seriously hated bras) worrying about nipples showing in various clothing, I chose not to have them reconstructed. It can fairly easily be done but it is also purely cosmetic because there wouldn't really be any feeling going on outside of knowing someone is touching them. I actually have very good insurance and could have done the reconstruction pretty much at any time.

They no longer save the nipples btw because that is one of the places that bc cells tend to grow first so regardless if it is more than a lumpectomy the nipples go. I did have another surgery after the original post because my surgeon was a douche and my entire right side had to be redone, which required a 12" incision under the right arm to about the middle of my back, wrapping a muscle from my back to my front (rebuilding the bionic boob), as well as fixing a fluid pocket in my stomach and repairing stitches that needed to be tweaked because the fluid from the pocket traveled down an incision and blew the stitching out of place.

My second surgeon was fantastic skills wise, bedside manner and just giving a crap if I was healing well. Plastic surgery however is weird and it takes sometimes two years to really heal fully. I had a couple of issues that I thought I might be stuck with but this third and hopefully last surgery was still considered a part of his first surgery with me so we got the minor stuff handled and the tissue under my arm removed that made certain clothing uncomfortable, which I was pretty stoked about because I was totally prepared to just suck it up forever with that one. I AM sticking with the decision to forego the perky nipples for the ability to pretty much never have to wear a bra again.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Non Drinker: Deal breaker?
Posted: 7/4/2016 5:37:39 AM
Do we add drinks to what people put on their profile like we add weight to whatever box they've checked?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
After the LTR devastation involving the ex's drinking
Posted: 7/4/2016 1:42:50 AM
My ex is an alcoholic and it is a hot button for me. I don't have problems being around people who are drinking, I don't like being around drunks. I would say rarely, socially, would definitely be in someone's mind unless the individual who left a relationship because of drinking also drinks themselves. I know it may be only three drinks but it makes me think when I see someone's profile that says they drink more than 3 times a week. So, three times at home or at a bar, three drinks or three drinking sessions. I like an occasional drink which probably doesn't amount to one a month on average, lol. So yup, I figure if that's on your profile you're probably drinking more than I'd be comfortable with.

As to the general question, sometimes both people have a problem and the other person is unaware or because he/she is a social drinker with no "problems" they may believe they could find someone similar to themselves without screening for drinking habits.

People who drink too much either consciously or subconsciously are going to hide it if they think they can't manage to get someone on the hook who actually wants to deal with their normal daily behavior. I don't think here is any way to guard yourself from meeting someone who drinks more than you can deal with, hopefully if you've had an alcoholic wreak havoc with your life it is easier for you to recognize that someone you meet isn't right for you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Dating A Recent Widow/Widower=Bad Idea?
Posted: 7/4/2016 1:30:06 AM
With the situation you describe in particular, I wouldn't have gone into it with any expectation beyond casual dating. Now, as to the recent loss, we seem to expect that someone who is a widow or widower still loved the person and had a good relationship. A tragic death could also occur with a relationship that was toast. Another person could have been recently widowed but after a long illness and they may have done much of the emotional grieving long before the actual death.

Widow or widower is just like anyone else, you become acquainted with their circumstances and then you see how they handle it. Some people remain bitter years after a divorce when in most cases that person would be more likely to have worked through emotional things than someone freshly single. A man or woman who had a good relationship with the spouse, saw them through their illness, appreciating the happiness and the years, might be able to have loved the person very well and still be able to move forward relatively quickly without rebounding and without in any way harming those memories.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 70 (view)
 
fine, i'll fondle the third rail
Posted: 6/16/2016 10:24:23 AM
One of the best suggestions on this thread was reading Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear.

There are no more online predators than there are irl and as others have noted, the potential for violence from someone you know irl is far higher than someone you meet online. Yes, it is somewhat easier to engage in dishonest representations online but it is also comparatively easy for people to fool others irl. And the true sociopath you are not going to identify no matter how good you are at sussing people out.

Be smart in every corner of your life without becoming a paranoid nitwit. Meet people in public, don't have more than one drink and don't leave said drink unattended, don't let them know where you live until a level comfort has been met, etc. but also recognize that if someone is intent on doing you harm they will figure out how to do it.

I've had people surprise me I've known for 10 to 20 years. Shit happens, and hopefully if you've erred you get yourself out of things before you are in any real danger.

As for the Cowboy comments, the man is dead, I never heard from any females but I do know he tended to live with women quickly. Now maybe he was a mean drunk but I suspect he was a huge pain in the ass to any woman who found herself in that position, which isn't exactly dangerous. If it was more dire than that, apologies but he's gone and we have the info for the cautionary tale.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Nipples or No Nipples, That is the Question
Posted: 2/28/2016 8:56:33 AM
Thanks Stickman, many excellent points and thanks for making me laugh, that's always appreciated. I know how lucky I am every day that I wake up, medically speaking I should have checked out in 2007. I had virgin skin until I was 48, lol when my daughter asked me to get a pink ribbon tat with her. My daughter included my initials in hers but it seemed a wee bit narcissistic and weird to do the same with mine. My youngest son had flippantly mentioned a couple of weeks before that I had nine live and I still had like six left, so the cancer tat became #7. The phoenix is number 9, ye olde coma, and number 8 still to be done is a Celtic cross for the gnarly wreck between the coma and the cancer :) I actually do want to do my chest, not so much because I want or need to cover up the scars but because I think a cherry blossom tat would look beautiful and why the hell not? lol

I don't see any frollicking in my near future as failure to launch and not yet old enough to leave will be rejoined by their returning to the launch pad sister and I'm having another surgery in a couple of months. My life has been odd because for most of the last ten years I didn't have the energy to do more than work and take care of the kids. Working on getting back to doing things I like to do and not always putting the kids first so in the process of that I imagine I will stumble upon someone. Or maybe I'll wind up being a dog lady, whatever I'm doing alive and happy works for me.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Nipples or No Nipples, That is the Question
Posted: 1/1/2016 11:37:33 AM
Rockstar, I'm still here, just don't visit all that often.

So to update :) I've chosen to remain no nipples Kathy, as my friend and I decided we would call me. Still not dating either, not because I am still in poor health because I'm not, or that I'm uncomfortable with my body because even with the changes I still look a hell of a lot better than a lot of other people my age so I'm good.

To clarify with respect to the back and forth about the statistics and information. There ARE 40,000 people men and women dying of breast cancer every year. There are 200,000 people diagnosed with no family history. We are lulled into thinking that we've beat this disease with all of the pink ribbon paraphernalia but we haven't. We know not one more thing about the breast cancer that killed Susan Komen than we did when she died. We do know that there are two types of breast cancer.

My surgery was a choice when I was pre-cancerous. I was in a coma 10 years ago so when my doctor was trying to diligently explain my options I said whack them off. When you almost die at 42, doing what will nearly eliminate the threat to your life is a no-brainer. While a simplistic explanation there are two types of breast cancer, one is not too aggressive and is often treated well with chemo and radiation, the other is pretty much going to kill you it just depends on how long it is going to take.

Everyone has cancer cells in their bodies but our immune system normally kills them before they grow into anything that is really threatening. And no one is safe from cancer regardless of a healthy gene pool and even sometimes a healthy lifestyle. My best advice to anyone is change before you have a problem. My diet wasn't total crap before but I am much more conscious of eating cancer fighting foods and keeping my immune system in as good a shape as possible. I will have yearly cancer screenings for the rest of my life but it's not something I worry about. God seems quite invested in keeping me alive, if He changes His mind I hope I've used the extra years to their best advantage and that I am around to see my grandkids if not see them grow up.

People are very misinformed about cancer so my advice to anybody is in addition to treating your body right, do some research now, it may help you, a friend or a family member if you can steer them toward good information when they face this ****er.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
RIP *cowboy*
Posted: 6/11/2015 9:51:30 AM
Friend of mine saw the thread and contacted me on FB. I hadn't talked to him in quite a while. I'm not here much anymore, most of my friends from here are thankfully on FB so I can keep up with them there. He's one of the people that I would have continued to try to get to migrate there to keep up with each other. One thing I hate about my online friendships are just this situation, someone could pass and unless it is posted somewhere you won't know.

I don't really get the comment about people who frequently post dealing with stuff, I was bored when I spent most of my time here as well as appreciating the intellectual stimulation. Didn't spent any more time here when I was dealing with cancer than when I wasn't.

He will be missed, agree with Petunia, he could make you cry or want to punch him in the face but he was genuine and a good person.

Nice to see you all, and like irl, wish it were under different circumstances. Hold onto your loved ones, we never know how much time we'll have.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 896 (view)
 
bald guys
Posted: 5/23/2015 10:37:27 AM
If someone has a decent shaped head bald is great and much preferable to the attempts to pretend it's not happening
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/23/2015 10:26:50 AM
Outside of the young man moving to live with mom you have not really given any information about the level of care this young man needs.

You seem to want to go into this with guarantees. With your lifestyle and the way you describe it, sounds like you would be better off finding someone else who doesn't have children because even when they are grown, people cannot always get up and go or go for lengthy periods of time. Children are not only an obligation, if you get through the teen years and particularly after grandchildren start rolling in, most parents actually want to spend time with their children and want to be around them.

He doesn't know what he wants, you don't know if you want him, sounds like perfect dating material and if you find you suck as a couple you can still be friends because he is a lovely human being :)

Not really so hard.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 319 (view)
 
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/23/2015 10:18:58 AM
My daughter calls me all the time for totally stupid shit that I would never have called my parents to ask but back in the day it cost money to call my parents so I didn't do it unless I was like headed to the hospital :)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Sweet or Creep?
Posted: 5/23/2015 10:13:00 AM
She's stringing you along and you need to get another realtor. People do sometimes get freaked out if they actually find themselves falling for you but normal people dial it back and spend less time with you. Asking for a commitment at that point would mean not sleeping with anyone else, you didn't ask her to marry you. Hon, she really sounds like someone you don't want in your life because she's going to keep reeling you in and then telling you to shove off whenever it is convenient for her.

Agree with pig on her actions not matching her words, the serious girlfriend, etc. does not behave how she has with you. Also if she wasn't very sexual she would not have slept with you on the 2nd date
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
How Do Men Bond with Women?
Posted: 5/23/2015 9:49:03 AM
Why are you talking about bonding like it is a small child? Seek someone with whom you have common interests and values and get to know them. If you are dating them as another poster said, you are there for him and interested in him and he is there for you. When it is the right two people these things grow in both naturally because the more you see the more you like.

You seem to be approaching something clinically that really isn't understandable in that way. I'm sure you recognized that the guy you described had one foot in and one foot out the whole time so when you first clued into that you should have moved along instead of hoping to fit that square peg into the round hole for another 10 months.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 147 (view)
 
What do YOU consider cheating?
Posted: 5/23/2015 9:41:46 AM
You are talking about things but not explaining them. Most people would agree that sex is cheating so that's a duh but kissing or hugging an instructor if someone is a hugger or like one of the guys at church kissed people on the lips but that was his way not hankering anything. Going out to dinner with an old acquaintance, how is that cheating because they are a person of the opposite sex? If the two people involved in your golf scenario are posing for a picture, wtf?

Most of the things you've listed if you know your partner and that partner is trustworthy, none of them would give me pause. Someone who has different motivations or is hiding these things, then the question would be are they guilty of cheating or thinking about it or are they hiding them because you are a paranoid ***hole.

No situation is black and white until one sees the circumstances surrounding all the parties involved.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45 (view)
 
When to cut it off completely
Posted: 4/18/2015 8:18:02 AM
You went above and beyond in the trying to be a good person part. You are not responsible for his happiness and well-being and he's trying to tear down yours. You'll have the feelings. Ignore him and treat him like an addictive drug. Do not talk to him at all unless you are in a place of empathetic detachment.

I learned a long time ago you can either get on the roller coaster with your friends, experiencing all of that pain and whatever else with them or you can watch them ride, making bad choices and whatever else but you do NOT have to feel their pain for or with them.

People reap what they sow, you are no longer his verbal punching bag, the end.

And here's the thing. Many of us tend to thinking the crap out of things, worrying if we're doing right or wrong when often it boils down to something very simple. He makes you feel bad and there's no need for the analysis, justification, etc. Take care of you, you won't do that hurting other people because you're not built that way. Your decision is not you hurting him, it is him not having a healthy life and continuing to choose not to have one. The consequence of his choices is your absence in his life. He did unto himself.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:34:06 AM
My dad's flirting embarrassed me when I was a kid, now I've turned into him. We get good service everywhere we go, lol
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 79 (view)
 
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:30:00 AM
I think if there is no interdependence a relationship is doomed. My ex was a railroad engineer so in the best of circumstances there was a lot of time that I functioned like a single mom. That coupled with his not joining us on activities or whatever when he was home, we just started functioning like he didn't exist. He was dependent on me but the only thing I could count on him for was doing something maybe that I was physically not strong enough to do. Realistically if we'd stayed together I'd really have had no use for him once the boys were old enough to do man things.

And I don't think it is surrendering your independence to let someone do things or to do things for someone else, that is how we show our affection and continually support that connection. It is not done because someone else can't it is done because you can.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 133 (view)
 
The fish that got away
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:18:16 AM
The one that got away is a game many of us play. We remember a past relationship better than it was, don't consider how well we knew the person and whether there was any real potential for a decent relationship. And when we're single and sad we wish for something that never was. When you decide this girl wasn't good enough for you, you will be done with her and won't consider her the one that got away. You should consider it, since she treated you badly, a blessing that she ditched your rear. She's left you available to find someone worthy of you who actually wants you. Of course, making yourself miserable because of this girl prevents you from being open to future hurt but it also hinders your happiness.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 46 (view)
 
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:13:25 AM
Very good point because it's just as difficult for the recipient of inappropriate flirting as the SO

My dad was a flirt, we got good service everywhere we went but that is totally different from your original op. Regardless of the intent, or whether anything can would or should happen, that level of flirting is inappropriate. It may seem like splitting hairs but normal people in a relationship can flirt without going the extra mile you describe and don't because it implies something to the other person even if it never goes anywhere and even if the response is 'ew, you're in a relationship.'
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 110 (view)
 
Is talking everyday too needy or clingy?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:08:51 AM
Realistically unless someone is texting you 40 times a day, whether you are male or female, if you're into the person you would welcome the contact. When you don't, someone's clingy. Men will take that extra five minutes before a meeting in the early days to call or text whereas later in the relationship he may not because he's no longer in the love bubble and thinking about the woman all the time. That's normal, that's real life. I would imagine the graph of most relationships would have building contact, a frenetic period when contact is significant, and then as the relationship settles down the contact diminishes to some type of daily contact even when you're living together.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 114 (view)
 
I am having trouble dating
Posted: 2/21/2015 3:32:05 PM
I actually ran across a guy who said he wanted to do a sex audition to figure out if he would mesh with people sexually.

I figured he had size issues. Also according to him he didn't want to spend money on a few dates to then find out there was no sexual compatibility, so he was a cheap ass.

Some of these guys figure if they throw that out there enough times, someone will bite.

Just ignore them, as others have said there are decent guys, such a shame there are so many idiots still at our age.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Why would I care that his last relationshp treated him coldly?
Posted: 2/21/2015 3:27:16 PM
I'd agree maybe you're not comfortable that you can really hold his attention because otherwise the potential that she is or was in the driver seat of their relationship wouldn't bother you. I also think you're not as okay with the if the relationship doesn't last blah, blah or it wouldn't bother you.

I imagine maybe you should let it go, if it continues to bother you, there may be something on your part or your sensing stuff from him that isn't sitting right. Sometimes things bug us because they should. Maybe there was something in his face as he talks about her or who knows. You either stay or go, I don't think he really has anything to do if the relationship is over for him, maintaining a friendship wouldn't bother me.

It made a huge difference to a friend of mine when he found out a breakup had been more on the part of the guy, who really did me a favor we weren't suited as a couple, but the new guy couldn't seem to get past that I had relatively recently cared for the guy.

You noted that you became a couple faster than you ever have before, perhaps you are worried there were things you didn't get to evaluate before you jumped in, otherwise what was the point of even sharing that factoid, it has little to do with the past relationship or how you feel about it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Why can't I find what I need/want in a man and relationship?
Posted: 2/21/2015 3:12:52 PM
Sweetheart, you are 22, unless you're dating guys who are 30 you aren't necessarily going to find that many who want a relationship. Many young men are still in that phase of spreading their seed I guess. Have you tried dating people and not anticipating a relationship, then maybe you'll find you like someone enough to actually pursue one rather than trying to make a guy fit into a relationship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 133 (view)
 
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/21/2015 3:05:05 PM
The forums are entertaining, some people don't do facebook and may not be that big on regular email, I certainly hate mine because of all of the junk mail, so there are a few people I only talk to here.

I don't participate in the forums that much these days but I don't think I'd like to never visit them again either. I also know a lot of people who basically met on the forums and they both like to participate so why should they stop.

If someone's significant other isn't worried about it I fail to see why it is of interest to so many people, seems a need to micromanage other people's lives when shouldn't they have something better to do.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Lots of dates set, but then no replies??!
Posted: 2/21/2015 3:01:21 PM
If you're actually going on some dates, don't worry about it, the number of reasons we all could give you could also be wrong. People are flakier in online dating because the computer gives them anonymity and they feel they won't run into you in real life so they're good to go if they act like an ass.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:01:01 AM
I have a friend who loves her guy but she loves her house, I think she's in a semi-rural area and he loves living in Dallas, so they're together and have been for a long time and neither one of them is moving. They spend half their time at her place, the other half at his. A student I tutored years ago, several kids from both marriages so they kept both homes and the kids did not really grow up as step-kids in the same home, although I think the kids are close.

A few years ago I couldn't imagine having a relationship and not cohabing after a certain period of time but now? Even if I wound up moving in or him moving in it wouldn't be a bad thing to keep the other house as rental property, maybe for either party's kids or grandkids to live in, and maybe at this juncture if you remain with someone when it would be pretty darned easy to dissolve things, that's not a bad thing either.

I think when I was younger I had that traditional mindset that if people really loved each other they would marry, but at the time I was still young enough to have children and I couldn't imagine doing that without being married. Now, I think if I was in a relationship with someone at some point I'm still a traditional person and would probably want to be married but if there was no real reason to save the money and maintain only one residence, maybe between all the years of dogs, kids, people who needed somewhere to crash I might not mind a situation wherein the other person is not around enough to have me feeling at some point that I wished he wasn't under my feet.

Don't get me wrong, ten years ago and probably even five or six years ago when I split with my ex, I would have loved to get together with someone, remarry, do the Brady Bunch thing but I've only got one kiddo now that is not legally considered an adult. My criteria won't change, if you want me you are getting a package deal even if I ever manage to pry all three of their butts from my home, but maybe if we maintained separate residences the fact that I am a reader and he is not, or whatever else, maybe that space would be a good thing? I think it totally depends on the two individuals. Hell, if both partners have a couple of kids and they like their kids and grandkids around, it might make more sense to maintain two homes than to buy one big enough to accommodate the entire clan without a logistical sleeping nightmare or having someone opt for a hotel.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Dating outside your comfort zone
Posted: 1/28/2015 6:31:10 AM
Based on the OP, why wouldn't you date someone outside your comfort zone? The professional, university-educated, for example, would normally provide you with people who are somewhat intellectual but I know a lot of university-educated people with professional jobs who are idiots, who don't read, who don't do or are not a lot of things most people would associate with educated professionals. And I'm sticking with just that because religion and other things are fraught with different potential problems.

There are particularly among people old enough to have actually changed careers, college grads that were in professional fields who have decided to do what they're passionate about which may be carpentry, photography, auto repair/rebuild, music, or home remodeling and also people in those fields who never went to college who enjoy reading and have educated themselves, or have educated themselves with the proliferation of educational movies and television programming.

People do not have to fit into a box in order for us to have things in common, people do not always fit into the box we want to put them in, and you have to look at the box and figure out if that is even a good thing. Like how does eliminating anyone who is not an educated professional help you? I'm pretty sure the 35-40 year-old guy who puked while standing at a bar was an educated professional and I thought at the time how he was way too old to be that plastered at least in public.

I think what one needs to do is consider how their comfort zone is being challenged by someone. So you look at someone's educational level or profession and that gives you a piece of information but it is what they do, not who they are. Those things you believe to be inside the educated professional could come in the guise of a brick layer :)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 40 (view)
 
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 5:57:16 AM
Well, here's the thing. If you really liked the guy you wouldn't give a crap. If he doesn't smoke in his house or car he could probably quit without it making him insane. A lot of ex-smokers occasionally have a cigarette like I discovered at 18 when I walked into the kitchen an my mom was chugging away, I had no memory of her smoking when I was a very young child.

Same thing with the age filter, two years doesn't make that much of a difference and if you really liked the guy you could easily rationalize that away because it isn't imo as big a deal as like 5 years in terms of why you wouldn't want to date someone of that age. At our age we are looking at potential health issues and quality of life so 5 years...

If you've been on 10 dates, the occasional cigarette has some validity because I'm sorry, when I quit smoking even with my allergies and health issues, I have the nose of a pooch and can actually smell smoke in my car with my windows rolled up from someone in the car next to me and I can smell a smoker five miles away. If you've "enjoyed" his company on 10 dates I'm pretty sure you aren't gelling on some level or you've had some type of hinky feeling about the guy all along, because again, at this juncture what I would consider small white lies would be cause for a discussion but not ditching the guy.

With the cigarette thing, at what point was he supposed to say oh hey, I occasionally have a cigarette but if it would bother you that I ever smoke I don't have a problem with that. A lot of people fudge their age by a year or two around here because of the age filters. I've found it frustrating that I can't even PM someone from the forums because of their age filters because I don't think anyone is getting so much mail that they will freak out if someone of the wrong age contacts them, roll eyes. If he's been on here for a while he may be like myself and have totally forgotten about it because he never looks at his own profile.

Again, maybe you should consider whether this has more to do with you not feeling it or feeling like something's weird than these two heinous acts of dishonesty.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 130 (view)
 
GF pregnant, weight gain, wants another....?
Posted: 11/16/2014 6:59:30 PM
If you really are this big a douche, well kudos, wow, narcissistic much? You need to stop worrying about whether your girlfriend will still look good on your arm and spend five minutes thinking about the kind of father you want to be because even if she gets fat and you leave her because of it, that poor kid is stuck with you.

You want her to be a healthy weight as others noted, eat good healthy food, walk together, after the baby be an active FAMILY.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
To move in or not to move in?
Posted: 11/15/2014 1:34:25 PM
I agree that without any concrete plans he is asking way more of her than she probably should give. She could wind up there with him ragging her if she doesn't find a job and it sounds like she might not find one there at all, so she is then completely financially dependent on him with him possibly biatching at her constantly about it.

If he really wants the relationship they should continue the distance thing but after two years he is still non-committal about their future but expects her to move? Just doesn't jibe for me
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 350 (view)
 
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 11/15/2014 9:55:40 AM
Congratulations for pointing the finger rather than acknowledging that you were doing the shaming.

And fyi, someone who is in an FWB is not sleeping around because they have decided to sleep with someone they know and trust while they may or may not be finding someone with whom they can have a relationship. If they wanted to sleep around there would hellooo be no reason to find an FWB.

I don't personally have any desire to sleep around because it is not right for me but that doesn't mean I am in any way superior to someone who does sleep around and I hope that people who are choosing to do so are practicing safe sex and taking appropriate self-care and not looking for something to replace the meaningful relationship they'd rather be having.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
confused
Posted: 9/7/2014 7:40:39 AM
Some people date people an hour away because they don't want to complicate their lives with someone who lives closer. Don't read into meeting the family and everything else. I imagine you are having sex which is why he says you are a couple and acts like you're not. I'd pay attention to the acting and either ask him if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship or make yourself scarce and he can figure out if he wants you in his life or not.

Or you could just choose someone else rather than allow him to decide whether you will be a couple or not.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Being Quiet /Shy and easy going. Are they seen as negative traits to the opposite sex ?
Posted: 9/7/2014 7:31:31 AM
Some people are going to see easy going as pushover, quiet and shy are how someone is around usually a lot of people or people they do not know very well, are you quiet to the point of not participating anywhere near as much as other people?

I've known some very quiet, very easy-going men but you can also sense that there is a line that you'd probably rather not be around when someone crosses it.

You sound like the type of guy that most people will appreciate and the cynical see as whatever label they choose to use. Don't change yourself but if you are painfully shy and find interacting with others difficult maybe you should work on that a little bit. I have a friend who is the most outgoing person on the planet but five years before we met he was horribly shy. He forced himself to talk to everyone he encountered so that now socializing with known entities or complete strangers is easy for him.

There's a difference between this post which describes a nice guy and the self-professed nice guy who really isn't as nice as he thinks he is.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 185 (view)
 
Im 40, he's 27
Posted: 8/31/2014 7:34:30 PM
OP, since you have no real connection with his mother I'd just meet the guy and see how things go. You may find you have no chemistry in person. You may find he is a dolt when not typing, who knows. You are not an idiot to be thinking ahead.

Here's what I would be thinking were I still a blushing 40. Is he willing to adopt or foster if you are unable to have children? I had my last child at 35 and one of my ovaries was already toast at that point explaining why it took substantially longer to get pregnant with kid 3, tmi :) People do still have children at 40 but I'm sure you know that it could be easy peasy or not.

I would also be thinking forward. It's kind of like when my kids ask me about age differences. When you're 16 5 years is a big deal and when you're 40 and 27 not so much but there are realities. And nothing that you could even have a clue about. I became very ill at 42 and I've spent the last 7 years alternately getting better and then dealing with another medical issue. Now remembering my condition two years ago I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that situation would have been for a man who was a healthy 35-year-old.

But here's the thing. You could wind up healthy as a horse and he could decline before you do. I don't think you're nuts for considering it but again, meet him and see where things go. If you two continue to click then you more seriously consider how the age difference would impact you 20 years from now.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Divorce and the child
Posted: 8/31/2014 6:03:44 PM
Honey a 17-year-old female is generally to be treated like the insane, because they are. Even without a divorce, new people and other stuff in their lives they're dealing with hormone city at a time in their lives when they are certain that every decision they make will either be a good one or ruin their lives forever. 17-year-old girls even the ones who are fairly normal are drama queens and the first post was accurate. This is the way they treat their parents and you have to try not to take it personally.

Sounds like you need to try to ignore the daughter's b.s. and figure out if you two want to stay together regardless of how things work out with the daughter. As she ages she will be less spiteful and her mother sounds like a charmer so you just have to weather the storm. Even though they've been apart and there have been other girlfriends I don't think it's abnormal for the girl to be emotional if she just found out the divorce was final.

I think even kids who deep down know their parents are better apart secretly nurse a hope that they might get back together. The divorce closes that door permanently for most people.

I would also suggest that you try to spend some one on one time with the daughter, otherwise you either break up or you limp through this period until she is more in her own life and time with dad is less scheduled than it apparently is now.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
So confused about ex need advice HELP
Posted: 8/31/2014 5:56:14 PM
Realistically you don't have any idea who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I'd say that before you shacked up with the girl you weren't looking for a female who could not stand on her own two feet, who could not maturely work something out with her parents who btw are pretty stupid if she received a scholarship. She could have lived on campus locally, pfft.

Anyway, the rest of your life is a really long time to spend with people who are pissed at you and this level of pissy and the expectation of an apology they would likely not accept bodes what for your future?

Learn from your mistakes and move on. She will get over you when she wants to. You need to cut communication period. Six months from now you want to say hello and maybe you can be cordial to one another but other than that trying to resurrect this relationship will lead to nothing but disaster for you both.

We aren't judging you, many of us have been there. At your age you see something noble in sticking things out and making them work. Well, that often leads to years of fighting and other unhappiness, kids in the mix with ultimately divorced parents. Better to pick well going in which isn't going to be the case if you keep after this girl.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Questions you should ask about your abusive situation
Posted: 8/9/2014 9:54:35 PM
Unemployment is on the list because it can trigger escalation.

Children not belonging to the abuser is a question because they are more likely to harm children that they have no biological connection with.

Texas is supposed to automatically arrest either or both parties in a domestic dispute if there are any visible injuries on either party. This does not always happen, if it did, it would make leaving a more viable option for the person being abused because they could get out and to a haven long before the abuser bonds out.

The other problem is that some of the shelters aren't much better than homeless shelters in terms of safety if the people staying in the shelters are not managed well. A girl from church wound up in the shelter about a year ago and came back to her room from a shower and people were going through her things.

It seemed like maybe not jumping into the fire from the frying pan but if you are already displaced and it was just such an invasion when she was already feeling fragile and frustrated.

As for the poster who suggests that people won't listen, they won't, until they are ready to and one of those questions can trigger a wake-up call for some people or it can at least get them thinking and trying to gather the strength to leave. You don't not do it because it won't be effective every time, you do it because it helps educate people and may help them get out of their abusive situations.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
 
she went through my phone and broke up with me
Posted: 8/9/2014 9:40:36 PM
She did you a favor hon. She is insecure, that's why she focuses on the one word in a message that could be considered objectionable and ignores the context and anything you say about it.

People with this level of insecurity tend to sabotage relationships, perhaps subconsciously believing that the relationship will fail and it is less painful if they tank it themselves instead of waiting for you to lower the ax.

Find someone who understands that someone can perhaps have poor word choice or that they would encourage an upset friend, which is all you did. I would also add that while you aren't mad about her going through your phone, maybe you should be. At least recognize that if she was a secure person who didn't have jealousy issues, going through the phone never would have occurred to her.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 64 (view)
 
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/9/2014 9:25:52 PM
Scorpio I get that you love him but you really do NOT sound happy. You know when I was younger I had that attitude that I loved someone, had invested x amount or whatever into the relationship, and that's a sure recipe for keeping something alive when it should have been allowed a natural demise. Two of the guys I dated after I split with my ex seemed great partially because they were very different from the ex but they were also not really the type of person I wanted to be with either.

If you want to stick things out, and it sounds like you are really wanting to at this point, let him buy the motor home. Then if things tank you aren't stuck with something that doesn't currently fit your lifestyle. I'm not sure from what you've said how much you've accommodated him beyond not doing things you like to do because he won't do them with you, so you may have some thinking to do there. And it is okay if you haven't accommodated and don't want to, that tells you something about how you feel. And seriously, read your comments about his going dancing with you. Five minutes, that isn't giving something a half-assed chance to have fun. He didn't want to go and nothing would have made him enjoy himself.

Only you can figure out whether there is enough there to salvage but realistically, I suspect that the relationship has become "work." And that really doesn't bode well long-term. First six months you should still be in the love bubble. Me, the camping, I'd prefer a motor home too but I like to read so he could go sit in his corner of the woods if he wanted to and I'd read in my temperature controlled motor home, lol.

And here's the thing. I spent most of 14 years doing things alone when I was married. At this point in my life I'm pretty much done with the 9 million football and baseball practices/games, choir, kid-oriented stuff that five years ago would have been nice to have had some company in the bleachers. I'm primarily a home body but recently I've attended a couple of birthday parties, anniversary parties, not huge groups of people so even someone who's somewhat shy could have attended and had fun. After spending so much time going to functions on my own, I really would not want someone in my life who wasn't up for doing things like that. If someone isn't making that kind of effort in the beginning even if it's somewhat out of his comfort zone, it's only going to continue going downhill.

And the other thing I would think about, it sounds like he's pushing for more of a permanent commitment than you are comfortable with. Where is the discomfort coming from and why do you feel that way? I think you know the answers to these questions and should act accordingly.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Leading the Relationship
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:07:31 AM
Here in the Bible belt it means the man is leading the household or relationship which is fine if the guy is a good guy and everybody's happy because they are both giving and taking but it also provides an opportunity for shits to manage to be so without any challenge from their girlfriend or wife.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
can a relationship be successful when there is nothing in common between them?
Posted: 8/6/2014 10:00:39 AM
The OP has long since left pof, post 47 resurrected this thread, advice should be tailored to that post.

If you were really happy with your boyfriend you wouldn't even consider it. When people are in your situation they both should try to do things the other likes at least occasionally or have no problem with them doing their one thing alone or whatever. Sounds like you have nothing that you really do together and would be happier with someone with like interests. And he would probably be happier too.

If you decide to do anything you break up with your boyfriend because this guy's version of getting to know you constitutes dating and you should really consider getting involved with someone who has no problem breaking someone else up, because that's what he will hope if he starts to really like you beyond enjoying dancing with you.

Now, if he had said, I have a girlfriend, we can be each other's dancing partner with clear understanding that it will never be romantic, that would be another thing. Not imo a good basis for starting something new.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
When to cut the Umbilical cord
Posted: 8/6/2014 9:47:43 AM
I am not a sexual prude nor someone who has taught my children that they must wait for marriage to have sex. I have taught them that they should seek out healthy relationships and that they would be happier if they chose to have sex within the confines of a loving relationship wherein sex is a progression in that relationship. My kids are 15, 19, and 22, and currently my youngest has his knickers in a twist because for the first time in about 7 years I'm not battling health issues, look good and guys are checking out my ass, he's about to have apoplexy.

Now, this woman offered her couch or guest room because she didn't want you driving drunk. She didn't offer her home so that you could get into her pants and if you have just started dating I too agree get a hotel or stay at your place. I don't think that you need to never have a sex life, I happen to think that it is not a bad thing for your kids to see you happy in a relationship that obviously at some point includes sex, but unless you are far down the road into a long-term relationship you are still trying to live by the morals you have tried to instill in your kids. Screwing around is something I did in my early 20s when no children were involved. Now I wouldn't even want to because hellooo, sex tends to be better when you know the person you are with, have learned each other's bodies, etc.

You seem to be confusing walking around on eggshells with people trying to respect their children just as they might a parent or sibling that for whatever reason was living in the house or there for a visit from out-of-town. If kids are still in college they are essentially no different than younger children when they are home because mom is still supporting them so that they can finish school. Most adults would not allow said children to bring men or women home with them and they apparently feel that they should have the same consideration for their children.

Being the "grown-up" does not mean you get to do whatever the hell you want with no consideration for other people. You want to come for dinner, to watch t.v., or whatever, that's fine but most normal people aren't having you jump into bed with the kids around when you are have recently met. Maybe you should seek out women whose children are grown and totally gone because they can do whatever the hell they want and won't feel they are setting a poor example for their children of any age. And really, you don't know why a woman would be close to her children whether male or female? In my case, even when we lived with my ex, I was a single parent so I'm close to all three of mine and probably particularly my daughter.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Cutting ties with my daughter
Posted: 2/3/2014 3:13:33 PM
Wow, you made it sound like you bailed her out of jail last week. If you haven't spoken in 10 months it seems like she's cut ties and you can only go on with your life and see how she turns out when she's ready to talk to you.

Agree with the other posts as I've had plenty of issues thankfully not as severe with my three, feed her but other than that time to let her sink or swim on her own. About now that seems a moot point, crickets.
 
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