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 Author Thread: How to stop this...
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
How to stop this...
Posted: 4/14/2012 8:48:31 AM
If you havn't been involved in 12 step programs ..... and more importantly..."gotten it", then you (speaking generally here) don't know Anything. 12 step spiritual paths are one of (if not the best) tools we have been given for personal and spiritual growth. I say...adamently, Go to your 12 step meetings. As many as possible. Together or alone... it does not matter. Use other therapies if you wish... it does not matter. Go to church if you wish... it does not matter (with the success of your 12 step program. ) But, Keep going to meetings. If you do, and if you fully participate, you will come to find yourself.

In the end, its all about 'finding yourself'. And, the good result of that is that you will be able to 'take care of yourself'. And, you will know thats its not only (OK) to do that, but absolutely essential! Codependents don't know this. I don't really like the term (codependent) neverhave... but it doesn't matter, its just a word. But I know what it means.... and that does matter. Its a destructive force from the dark side that operates in the universe. We can either get educated or remain ignorant and victimized. Its our choice. 12 steps are perhaps the best. For me it was (Alanon) a grateful member for 16 years now.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
Passion versus reasoning when choosing a partner
Posted: 4/14/2012 8:19:07 AM
Eight years old...? This may be the most important subject there is when it comes to success in relationships. In truth...Picking a partner is the only place you will ever have much power over the success of your relationship. That... and the management of Your "own" behaviors, of course.

The insane thing is, many of us put the least ammount of effort and thought into this (picking a partner). Its not about dating, or being active on the personals... or going out..... or being active...or any of that. These only provide us with potential opportunities. In the end, we must choose. It took me a LONG time to understand a simple truth..." you can be maddly in Love with someone who is absolutely NOT a decent partner for you". And, I emphasize the (simple)! It is always the simple truths that evade us the most. Feelings are just random information. They are not Commands. There is No substitute for using our fine brain to be the final decider in the equasion. Not..... our feelings. Feelings are fun..... and, they are important, but they are Not the final solution in the chain of command. Happy Hunting.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 85 (view)
Soul Mates defined at this time in our lives?
Posted: 1/24/2012 6:58:35 AM
Whew! So many scholars who live here. ha! Its just a word. A made up word at that. Words have no power except what we assign to them. I personally don't use the word all that much... However, I'll be damned if I am going to pass up what might be the woman of my dreams because she happened to use that word. sheesh.

Its a fact that Most human disagreements and arguments have to do with "definitions". Arguments can go on for long periods and even become violent when both parties are actually not that far apart on the actual issue. Its only because they have differing definitions of words or terms which lead them to believe they are at odds. Words like (soulmate) are kind of ripe for this stuff. I try and avoid these kinds of ignorant traps and dead ends. I had a year of counseling frm a very wise man once and one of the main things I learned was: "stay out of other people's heads".
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 71 (view)
That magic mirror....
Posted: 2/24/2010 6:57:31 AM
Nuthin' magic about my mirrors. They do make me look better when they are all fogged up though. I'm reasonably satisfied with my reflections. The proof is always in the pudding though.

Do you still wear swimsuits? (No, not the Old lady kind) , Can you tie your shoes without groaning? When was the last time you were involved in actual strenuous activity? When did you last swim accross a swift river? When were you last on the dance floor doing an all out (sweaty) 10 step? (for me, last nite). Can you still wear levi 501's?

The best "mirrors" are the other people in our life that we interact with. And, not just the ones who will lie for you! har!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 96 (view)
What will your kids find?
Posted: 2/12/2010 7:27:47 AM
There won't be any sex toys, pictures or artifacts. I don't use or collect this stuff. There will probably not be any signifigant collection of expensive real estate and wealth to fight over. But there Will be plenty of "reading". I have filled up those nice hard cover journals since 1970 when I started college. I must have 50 of them by now, and if this keeps up... there will be plenty more.

Sometimes I get a little wave of apprehension about the prospect of my children, and friends and (??) any others who may have opportunity to browse all those journals. But, mostly.... I don't care. I know theres a whole lot of mundane tripe in there. I know theres a lot of lurid accounts of old sheeet. I know theres some whining, and complaining. I know theres some stupidity in there. And on and on. But, theres a lot of good stuff in there too. And Most of all.... it is what will be left of me.

Neither of my parents left so much as a scribble about who the hell they were. Nothing. We don't necessarily know our parents all that well just from our personal experiences with them.

I had a friend who recently made the decision to burn all her life journals. Personally, I didn't aggree with this. I think this says how little you value your self. Or... maybe some lack of courage? In a way, it allmost seems like some kind of self destruction?
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 102 (view)
Men in their 60s
Posted: 2/12/2010 7:04:36 AM
Us Men (and ladies too) are "all" defined by the sum of our life experience, the good...the bad, and the ugly. Its what happens when your'e alive.

I don't know what defines you when your'e dead? And, I'm not in any hurry to find out.

I've been in my sixties now for four years. In most ways nothings any different than its been for the past 20, at least. I can see that I am certainly getting more 'distinguished' looking. har! But, I feel about the same as ever. My needs are the same. My dreams are modifying, but continue to drive me. My creative and artistic abilities are stronger than ever. My guitar playing is better than its ever been. My sense of personal authenticity is wonderfully powerful. My riggin' still works. I still climb mountains. And, I am on the verge of beginning a brand new exciting carreer.

Hey, this isn't all that bad!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
At this stage in our lives, can it ever just be simple again?
Posted: 2/4/2010 11:46:19 AM
As one poster allready put it: It Only "appeared" simpler in our youth. Yes, it was MUCH simpler to find and initiate relationships back then. We didn't even have to think about it. (that was the problem!) We didn't do much thinking. Of course, the 'simple' part began ending fairly quickly once we began the actual work of maintaining and participating in those relationships!

Today, as Matures who have been through at least one major relationship and usually More, we do our thinking before we initiate the relationships. For many of us, we have begun to error the other way.... thinking too damn much! This can paralyze us into inaction and waiting. (complication) hence, the lack of that wistful simplicity we seem to have floating around in our foggy memories.

The answer is YES, it can certainly feel like it is not as simple now as we remember it in our youth. However, as I have stated, this is probably not all that accurate. Its all some kind of idealistic illusion based on our current perspectives. In fact, it should be a lot simpler now than it was in our youth.

There are financial and logistical facts that result from having lived much of our productive adult lives that definately do add some complications. Homes, business, accounts, towns, families.....etc. These are realities that have to be worked out. Who will live where? Who gets prioity? Lots of things. But, when it comes to the basics of selecting a partner, it really should be simpler at our age. shouldn't it???

In the end, I am finding out.... its all about learning to enjoy the process!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
Science proves it..we are stupid
Posted: 1/31/2010 10:47:14 AM
Anyone who believes there will not come a day when we will begin to seriously decline is definately in denial. However, I';m not gonna put all my eggs in these 'studies' baskets. They are interesting and 'maybe' worth considering, but not an absolute. None of us know what we will get. We don't know if we have 30 good years left, or just two days. We just don't get to know that stuff. Its kind of scary, if you ponder it too much.

Yeah... I'm stoopid. Just look at my life so far?? No pulitzer prizes there! But the best I can do today is try and be productively stoopid. har!

Hmmmm? Seems I get to be productively stoopid for a few more lines here, cause it said my post was too short to post? Don't really get that one. I see lots of one liners on here. Ok boss, is this long nuff?
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
Men in their 60s
Posted: 1/31/2010 10:33:12 AM
The Truth is: If we keep experiencing the same thing over and over.... we need to turn the focus back where it really belongs... ON OURSELVES. Its tough, but we all have to do it. Most of the posts I see here (and on most threads) are typically about 'them'. What they did, what they said, how they always do it... how you can't trust them.. how they are all alike...on and on. This is basically called: "the blame game". It will get us nowhere.

It doesn't matter if many of the accusations and accounts are true. It doesn't matter! Its still the same ol blame game. It only keeps us stuck. You can be assured. If you take an "honest" inventory ( of yourself) you will always find that you have a part in your re-occuring predictiments. We have no power over other people...None. So, if we really want things to change in our pursuits.... it must start with us.

This isn't about age. These principles are true whether you are in your 20s or 60s. We have an advantage in our 60s. We "should" be a little smarter? But, age is not always an indicator of wisdom either.

What seems to be working for me is to have faith, courage, patience and a sense of optomism and willingness. don't be afraid to try new things. Don't be afraid to take an honest inventory of yourself. Don't let anyone else's sourness creep in to ruin your milk. Happy hunting, and I believe there are wonderful partners out there for all of us.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
He forgot to mention his 3-year-old ...
Posted: 1/31/2010 10:02:26 AM
Boy, the word "liar" is being thrown around like a hardball in the world series! While I'm not inclined to condone dishonesty or deception, I think that a lot of you might reconsider how quickly and feroctiously you grab ahold of the word 'liar' and fling it like a 96 mile per hour pitch. Thats a powerful word and should not be used lightly.

Obviously, this thread has gone all over the place. Actually, it has become more about "attitude" than anything else... as far as I can see. The actual issue points have gotten lost in the fray. And... much of the attitude I see demonstrated here is not so very good. In case you can't connect the dots, attitude is something different than our choices. Our choices are just that... we are all entitled to them. Period. Attidude is a choice too. It is possible to make a choice not to proceed with someone, and still "choose" to possess a good attitude about it.

Attitude is probably one of the strongest indicators of character. I pay attention to it. I have my list of (perfect wants) when it comes to those potential partners out there. I doubt like Hell that It will ever be filled. This is reality. In the end.... what matters the most to me is character.

I havn't seen ONE word that indicates this guy (with the 3 yr. old) had any bad behaviors at all in the correspondences, the phone calls or the eventual meeting. In fact, according to the OP.... he seemed like a "SCORE". But his terrible ommission of his young child has turned him into the deplorable vermin Liar unworthy of even the slightest considerations that he has been so hatfully defined as, Here. Hmmmmm?

When theres blood in the water.... it doesn't take long to see who the sharks and pirannas are....?
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 67 (view)
He forgot to mention his 3-year-old ...
Posted: 1/30/2010 7:29:17 PM
I saw this (official) statistic not long ago: Women over 50 are more likely to be struck by lightning than remarry. I also love an old cartoon poster I saw in a bar a long time ago. there was a skeleton sitting on a park bench with the rotting tattered remains of a dress still on it. the caption simply said: "waiting for Mr. Right".. har har!

I'm not trying to be mean or sarcastic ladies: Just introducing a small dose of reality.

I am flabberghasted at the ammount of 'right fighting' I see in here. Go ahead... fignt, fight fight. All ya want. And, you will probably win too. But you will probably not find happiness. The way in which the blond poster was taken on because she showed some maturity and class (I can't see her handle right now) was absolutely incredulous.

Its not enough to crucify the guy with the three year old. Heck, we'll just crucify anyone who gives him even the slightest slack. This kind of behavior is not going un-noticed by us discerning Men. Perhaps I'll stop to pick a dandelion and stick it on your skeleton when I perchance to pass by it on that park bench. (see cartoon) and (please see my facitiousness too).
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
Still holding- and talking- bitterness after 20 or more years
Posted: 1/30/2010 7:02:12 PM
I wasn't able to get through and get over the abhorent experiences I endured with my 2nd alcoholic wife, by myself. It took recovery. thankfully, I was given Alanon and it has made all the difference. I hear that people get "over" bad stuff all by themselves? Its something I will probably never be able to understand. Thats ok.

Among the wisdom I have learned in my recovery journey is that Anger and bitterness are feelings. They are neither right nor wrong. They are not 'commands', they are just information. We Never have to feel bad for our feelings. Quite the contrary, we should embrace them and see what they have to tell us.

When feelings (anger, bitterness etc.) become destructive is when we allow them to influence our behaviors in a debilitating or destructive fashion. So, its not the feelings that we might have that are the problem, its 'what' we choose to do about them.

If any of you are trying to control your 'feeling's... I got bad news for ya. You'll have better luck trying to stop the mississippi river from flowing with your bare hands! Let those feelings on board. the good, the bad and the ugly. they are all useful to us. But... you do have to power to take control of what you do in response (reaction) to those feelings. People who still blurt out a froth of bitter comments and excuses about what happened to them or what was done to them many years later have not taken up this 'power'. Its part of we call "personal power'.

When I'm considering partner material, I won't even consider any mature person who still hasn't developed any signifigant personal power. Its their job to aquire it, I'm not going to help them. I quit that a long time ago. whew. I might suggest they find the nearest Alanon meeting (or some other appropriate program) and get there as soon as possible. (har) But, that is the best advice I have to give.

I Never want to forget what I experienced: We have a name for that too: (denial). But, its been quite a while now since those memories have had the power to traumatize me and impair me. thank the great spirit!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 61 (view)
He forgot to mention his 3-year-old ...
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:36:20 AM
I understand the OP was being a bit facitious, of course. However I believe any reasonably educated person could deduct 'great potential' from this line. Especially with the word "SCORE" in caps!

I didn't bother to read all the posts that have accumulated since mine. But from what I did read I see a relentlessness barrage of critical spirit. I kind of understand that this is the 'bread and butter' of most of the banter that takes place in these forums. However, it begins to feel more like something akin to the gerry springer show, than thoughtful discussion about "issues".

But, like I said: If'n ya wanna git ta know what makes people tick.... just read their posts on this here forum. As good ol' Dr. Phil likes ta say... 'its where the rubber meets the road".

I pray everyday... (if I remember, har) that I hope whatever Life may do to me.... I don't lose my sense of compassion and empathy. I Love having strong opinions, and I don't mind sharing them neither.... But, its good to be able to put yourself in the other person's moccasins... just for a moment. Happy fishin'.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
Men in their 60s
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:00:10 AM
Oh geez: I see that "my" age group has suddenly achieved primary post status... Just because one member of pof happened to have some kind of baffling or disappointing experience with one??? So now...(?) I guess all of us simply fall into that same gatagory. Typical reactions for here on the forums.

Speaking for myself, as a MAN over 60, I am moved by the "same" basic set of Human needs that everybody else is. So what I want is no mystery. Its really not about what we want... is it? It never is. Its all about "how" we go about attempting to get it. It is within this process that 'everything' is determined.

I have expereinced the disappearing acts from women with whom I thought I had a great communication going. Yes, its baffling and frustrating. But should it have any bearing on who and what I am? Hell no! And do I immediately begin classifying all the women of the age group with which I had the problem as screwed up or something? Hell no! Thats ridiculous.

Heres an observation about a lot of you women in the personals: I see what is allmost an obsession about declarations of (no casual sex!) or things along those lines. Then, I see these same women being suspicious and even sarcastic if the guy wants to spend 'too' much time emailing ect? Make up yer mind. The truth is, just relax and enjoy the ride. get rid of the unreasonable rules.

This is what I have discovered. People who have become reasonably authentic and functional don't have to have all the rules and declarations. Their identities and behaviors are not influenced by others. Develope a powerful sense of who you are and the confidence to be able to actually take care of yourself. then, the 'baffling' correspondents who disappoint or upset you, won't have any power to actually affect you in a signifigant way. (ie: I'm outta here...ect.) Get tough... have fun. Don't give up.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 91 (view)
Alarming statistics attributed to aging men fathering children
Posted: 1/25/2010 6:35:31 PM
wow, who would have imagined that a post like this could turn into yet another power struggle between the women and men??? har!!! A lot of it stems from the widely varying intellectual capacities that you always find on a forum like this. there will always be a bunch of people who just don't get stuff, no matter how eloquent and fluently it is presented. And, there will always be some women and men who see every issue as a power struggle.

When I saw an article on 60 minutes(tv show) a few years ago about aging high powered career women who didn't understand the basic phisiology of their own bodies.... none of this surprises me. Powerful business women... greatly respected and successful in the world of big business, didn't even know that the average age at which most women have lost all their eggs is 42. These women were shocked to find out that they couldn't find a husband and start a fimily at 48... or 50... or more?? They really didn't know. So... all that stuff about the "clock tickin'" was true! The fact that men can still be viable well into their 70's or longer doesn't make them superior. For reasons we don't get to know.. thats how we were made.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
He forgot to mention his 3-year-old ...
Posted: 1/25/2010 5:14:53 PM
I tell ya. If you really want to get to know what makes people tick, then take a look at what they say (and how they say it) on these here helpful forums! har! In my humble opinion, this guy didn't reveal any character flaws in his ommission about the young child that were nearly up to par with many, many of the angry bitter and vindictive posts that I see here.

The Op herself stated that in every other respect... he represented some kind of "great" potential.

One of the things of Supreme importance to me personally when I look at potential partners is "empathic ability". If I see any deficiency in this all important character indicator... I will not go any farther.

By all means, we should be entitled to our choices. We should be allowed to take care of ourselves. We should be endowed with our own ideas of the 'pursuit of happiness'. But, mostly... there is really no excuse for downright ugliness. It really has nothing to do with the above mentioned things.

Heaven forbid.... that you should have had an enjoyable evening with a man who had a three year old child! Its only a date. I'm not attempting to defend any kind of real deceptive behavior. I aggree that people should put their cards on the table. However, I am suggesting... it is usually not necessary to get mean and ugly either. What defense can be made for this?

Happy fishin'...
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 263 (view)
Men over 55!
Posted: 1/25/2010 8:35:59 AM
Hopefully, we have (or are at least well on the road) overcome the dysfunctions and traumas of our youths. I sat out all the dances in high school. And I was a good lookin' guy who attracted many girls. I just didn't know it. I was terrified to 'get out there'!! Its a horrible thing to go through and it can stay with you way into your adult life. (unfortunately).

Now, every dance I do is for that wretched young guy who hung cowardly in the dark background at the dances... but mostly just stayed home. Ladies, if you encounter aging men who still loiter around in the dark backgrounds afraid to come out of the shadows and dance... I would be wary. You can have empathy for them, but it would be wise to ponder whether you want to take them on as a new "project". You might pass on to them any information as to where the dance lessons are, but it is up to them to do something about it.

In our youth the primordial drives and passions could push us past a lot of differences in each other. Many of us started families and lives with partners we never really "danced" with. (and I am using dance as a metaphor for all of it!) Today, I'm not so sure I would even consider attempting a relationship with a woman I couldn't dance with? There is so much that is contained in the dance. She doesn't have to be any ginger rodgers. She just has to have a delightful enthusiasm about it.

And, again..... it is a real fountain of youth. You don't see hardly any morbidly obese people out there kickin' up their heels. Its an activity that is incompatible with being over weight. I don't know if there is any 'down side' to dancing?

I just started another 5 week dance class last evening. I'm taking the advanced. The beginners have the first hour and a half. I showed up early and was flabberghasted at the size of the beginner class! All age groups. As I watched them flounder clumsily around out there, I was reminded of my own time in that group a few years ago. Then, I went out with the advanced crowd and proceeded to flounder around clumsily!! har!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
He forgot to mention his 3-year-old ...
Posted: 1/25/2010 8:00:39 AM
Being one of those (crazy, stupid, fool....???ect) old men who still have dependent children from the last Marriage... I can comment a little on this subject.

My two youngest children are now 17 and 13. Not toddlers anymore by any means, but still not out on their own. If this guy has experienced anything like I did, then take my word for it... he has suffered enough. While I'm certainly on the women's side in that they are allowed to make any choices they desire... for any reason they want: I also have some empathy for the guy. As long as he isn't outright lying, I would suggest going a little easier on him. No, no one needs to change their bottom line choices, but I don't see any reason to crucify the guy.

If he's like me... He made a very bad choice in the mother. (that is probably something to be more concerned about than the child!) But, the terrible anguish and unfathomable pain of having your children cruelly and selfishly ripped out of your life by a selfish, addicted monstor is something that I would not wish upon anybody. I wonder if most women actually understand the depth of this?

All of us come as a "package". We are what we are, and what you see is what you get. The packages vary greatly. I pretty much know what my Package is. I have accepted it and continue on as best as possible. My policy is to remain gracious and courteous, while making my choices and try (very hard sometimes) to refrain from being too judgemental about the package. (others). Of course, there are certain types of bad behavior that require some 'pro-active ' responses... sometimes not so pleasant. I didn't see anything in this guy's behaviors in the story that made it to that catagory.

The unfortunate truth about this guy with a 3 yr. old, and the guy raising his 2 yr. old grandchild is that their pool of potential new partners is shrunk to a very small one. they have to accept that too. these guys have a tough road, and as long as they are not being maliciously deceptive or mis-treating you in any way, You should just say "thanks, but no thanks".
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 252 (view)
Men over 55!
Posted: 1/22/2010 7:43:34 PM
Funny how I seemed to have opened up "the dance" thread here. I too have spent my time up on the stage...(guitar picker), and witnessed it from that angle. Its true, that many, if not most musicians are not all that good at dance. One of the unexpected side benifits of learning the 'art' of dance for me, is that it has made a better musician out of me. I know urge all my musician friends to get their asses out and learn to dance! ha!

My instructor was a 'cowboy' type guy. He stressed the gentlemanly aspect of the dance. Dancing is much more than just taking a woman out to the floor. Its how you ask.... how you escort her... How you edify her while dancing... how you protect her.. and how you return her to her seat. And... a lot more. I really like all this. All we need to know to have successful relationships might well be contained in all this dance etiquite. This is new wonderful stuff for me. theres no place for bitterness or resentments or power plays or discourteousness on the dance floor. For all you mature men who havn't discovered this. Take my word for it. Get off yer duff's and get to the nearest dance class and see what it can open up. But, it requires total participation. No warmin' the benches. No armchair quarterbackin'. Ya gotta get in the game. Good luck.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 66 (view)
Alarming statistics attributed to aging men fathering children
Posted: 1/21/2010 8:48:08 AM
First off: Those men who check the box about (wants children... or would like children...etc) are about being open to the prospect of forming a serious partnership with a woman who still has children at home. I believe , for the vast majority, this is what it is about. Most of us aging Men, are not still busting at the seams to father new children.

Personally, I'm not jumping on the latest scientific/statistical bandwagon concerning this topic. Certainly, there is probably some increased risk. How could there not be. However, the children produced in those youthful, dis-ordered..tumultuous...often violent...and now, usually broken... relationships, don't have a picnik either! In the end, its really not about the ages so much as it is about the actual "People" involved.

Many of those kids who grew up in with violent, drunken, dysfunctional parents (young though they were).... might gladly take the chance of a mental disorder to have more mature functional parents. (if given the choice... which, of course, they never have) Just something to think about.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 241 (view)
Men over 55!
Posted: 1/21/2010 8:25:39 AM
Hey... take it easy on those "elders" at the senior dances. ha. We're all gonna get there... if we're lucky. But, I do know what you mean somewhat. It is all about the Dance. Sitting at home looking out the window, or at the picture box... or the internet window, or anything besides "getting out there"... might fall in the fantasy zone? And... it isn't the exclusive territory of Men over 55. Anyone can slip into its comfortable grasp. Once there... all the other 'fantasy's' come right along with it.

Reality is a road that takes effort to stay on. Its worth the effort. It requires... getting up, and getting Out. And, in my experience (now, book) there is no better vehicle to travel this road than Dance. I have gone through a great and difficult journey during my years that preceeded the "55" barrier, and those that have followed. I probably tried all the roads during this course. And, addmittedly... some "fantasy" creeped its way in there during the trip. How do you fight fantasy? With courage, effort and a strong willingness to get going.

Two or three years ago, I found myself attending the local 'seniors' dance. though it was ultimately not the place for me....(yet har!), I am grateful for those active seniors that I saw..... blue hair , black dye and all! (though in truth, I saw very little of that) Most were accepting of what they had, and made the most of it. But, by God... they loved to dance. I could see something there. Gradually, as I became aquainted with my new town and found the better dance venues (and dancers), this venue has by far, proved to be the most rewarding and fruitful activity in this search for potential partners. Besides that, its great activity in itself. Its surprisingly very physical. In a way... you could say, its one of the "real" fountains of youth.

The dance floor is a crucible that melts away the fantasies and asks us to 'step up to the plate' and take a swing. The etiquite and philosophy within and around dance does not nourish our old immaturities and fears and general BS. I find it all quite amazing. Getting the privilage of gliding around the floor in various intimate contacts with many lovely women is Not without its rules, roles, expectations and discipline. I am learning to like this more and more. Even at the ripe age of 64.... I feel like I am finally 'growing up'.... on the dancefloor.

Hmmmmmm? Am I digressing? Well, somewhere in all this.... the "fantasy over 55" topic is there... I think. ha.

Ok.... try this: All you Men over 55 who "fantasize" about hanging out with women 20 years your junior. Who look in the full length mirror when they are naked, and deny that that guy standing there is really them. Get out on the dance floor with one of those junior women and work up a legitimate sweat in a raucous 10 step, or furious swing dance... and see just how ya do??? Put yer money where yer mouth is.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
never retiring
Posted: 1/18/2010 4:36:41 PM
I heard a tag line from some kind of insurance or money management company on tv..." he didn't plan to fail... he failed to plan" Uhhhhhh, are they talkin' bout Me????? Why them......dirty so and so's... what do they know? Maybe more than me?

Retirement? I took it early. har. Now, it just isn't part of my vocabulary. I don't get the luxury of using it, let alone living it. But, this has its up side too. I think that knowing you have to keep hustling and producing, and even exploring new more exciting and rewarding careers... can be a big factor in keeping you fit and vital.

Because I (failed to plan) , I am now resigned to having to be productive in some way in order to insure my survival. Its ok. I've accepted it. Whatayado? You do what ya have to.

I don't think I would necessarily recommend my path to others. I would advise that one start to think about their futures as young as possible. the earlier you start, the less you have to do. It really doesn't take all that much to create wealth when you have 40 years of your most productive life ahead of you. Its a lot harder when its behind you.

However, I don't have the luxury of dwelling on this. It does me No good, what so ever. So, I do my thing. I'm even doing research on a brand new, exciting job. One that would be a joy. I could be beginning it this summer.

But... I'm also on the look-out for a wealthy widow too! Yaaaaa Hoooooo!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 127 (view)
Men over 55!
Posted: 1/12/2010 6:55:55 AM
I don't think we should ever "Generalize" about anything when it comes to the relationship game. I see it over and over and over in venues like this forum. When anyone generalizes..... its always about "them"..., not us. They're the ones with a thinking problem.

Its good to become educated. Its good to learn how to protect yourself. Its good to become observent. But generalizing is just another way of cutting one's self off. Limiting the options and availabilities.

Its true... Many men over 55 are bitter or resentful or pathologically eccentric or unrealistic to a level of fantasy. But, Certainly... not all.

Uhhhh( whats with the speed dating post???) ha ha!

The smart one's will save their conclusions and determinations for actual experience on and individual basis. Thats what I try to do.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
Album of the decade
Posted: 1/8/2010 5:45:07 PM
I don't get a chance to critically listen to the "real" music that is being produced in the first decade of the 21st century. So I can't make a legitimate addition to whats been allready put here.

I will say this though: In terms of the top 40 "pop" music, its the worst bunch of nothingness tripe that has ever spoiled a clean albumn (disc)!!! I have never seen so many talentless idiots achieve fame and wealth in the history of music!! The industry and its young precotious clients have succeeded in "dumbing" down music until it barely exists anymore! God save us from athletic girl scream singers who can't do a performance without 60 dancers on stage and a broadway set-up behind them. Ahh, for the day when the playboy models were content to just be glamorously photographed and adored. Now.... they get to pretend they are singers too!

And the men???? (seems half of them arn't even that anymore)... nothing but lounge lizards and illiterate street thugs passing for (singers???) Yeah... this is music!??

I addmitt, I am old school. I came of age with rock and roll. I've been in lotsa garage bands. Played the clubs. Only small time. But, my overall life long experience gives me some credibility.

I do addmitt. thankfully.... there are still some legit bands out there.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
Finding it Hard to Want to Date as a Grandparent
Posted: 1/8/2010 5:25:40 PM
first off: Of course, any of us are allowed to do any damn thing that we please. No matter what other people may want or think.

That being said: OP: I took a little peek at your profile, and you are obviously one of those drop dead Grandmas! I'm certain, you are not one of those who never gets any attention.

This brings to mind an issue that I have seen on Dr. phil many times. Young mothers who have lost any and all interest in being intimate with their husbands. Their lack of interest had reached a level where it threatened the marriage. Its a common thing, apparantly. What happens is that the mothers have changed their internal definitions of themselves. They are "mothers". There new definitions do not include (sensuous woman) anymore. Meanwhile, the poor father... who definately has defined himself as a "father", still sees himself as a stud. See the problem???

The solution is in taking the effort to redefine yourself. These young mothers have to remember that they are still.... sensuous women and loving wives too. Not, just mothers. I don't know if there might be some coralation going on here or not? You might think a little about just how you are defining yourself. I suggest this, since you were specific in your inclusion of (grandparent) in your enquirey. Your'e not "just" a grandma.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
Outdoor activities plus similar thrill levels as we age. How important?
Posted: 1/8/2010 4:57:13 PM
Seems to me that One's ability in "Indoor" sports is directly proportional to their stamina and robustness (you know, like those strenuous outdoor activities) .

Tons of fresh air.... plenty of hot sun..... lungs filled to bursting..... Heart red lining...and muscles burning. This is "fore-play" to us climbers! Oh... I forgot the prodigious sweat! Ya gotta have that!

One of the best references that I have come up with for determining whether one is "Old" yet. Answer: when you stop moving fast. If you can look back for some length of time and see that you have not moved fast.... you are old. Doesn't matter if you have only lived 40 years.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
A Toast To The Nice Guys
Posted: 1/7/2010 9:16:55 PM
Sorry! this piece is NOT any kind of vindication for so called...nice guys. Quite the contrary, its a sickenly sweet revalation into the workings of a pathological door-mat co-dependent very poor excuse of a Moron for a Man. Thats what it really is.

Its no wonder women don't really like these guys!?? Whats to like? Nuthin! I don't know whether they all have small penis' as the one lady seems to think... but its quite certain.... the don't have any BA!!s!!!!! Theres plenty of words to describe these nice guys in the anals of abnormal psychology. One of them is "enabler". You idiots, your'e not helping these women when you drive them home from their drunken orgies. Your'e not helping them when you listen for hours to their hysterical "dumping" on you! Your'e not helping them when you are protecting them from their stupid selves! Your'e enabling them... and you are just a stooge. Nice guys will never win because they're dysfunctional. And, that is NOT a winning quality.

You "nice guys" can keep on living in your self rightious dream world of the noble suffering martyr as long as you want. In fact, its a good place for ya!

How do I know this??? I happen to be a 'recovering' nice guy. No more mister nice guy here. Does that mean I have become a bad guy now? Absolutely not. I'm not a bad boy..... thats just the other side of the dysfunctional spectrum. I like to call myself a "good guy" today.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 85 (view)
Odd Relationship History
Posted: 1/7/2010 5:27:16 PM
all relationship histories are worth paying attention to. If there are questionable factors there, by all means keep your eyes and ears wide open. Be realistic. But, as is always the case...."the proof is in the pudding".

It doesn't really matter what has transpired before, does it. what matters is, what transpires from this moment forward, especially... as it concerns you. the essential things are... to know who you are, what you want, what you will and will not settle for.

Its not about Who we were: Its about, Who we are now. some of us are the same now as we have always been. some of us have undergone profound changes.

I got some unpleasant news for all of ya: At this stage of the game, if your'e looking for people with clean, unblemished, untarnished and completely functional histories... the list is gonna be very small... Indeed! We all had that chance at 20 years old. Even then, there were plenty who had managed to aquire a questionable past!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
Does fate exist?
Posted: 1/7/2010 4:55:06 PM
By nature I'm a hopeless pragmatist. Everything must be logical. there is always cause and effect. However.... I absolutely refuse to completely rule out 'magic'. We must remember that words are just things we make up to describe something. Often, something that is actually not describable... such as co-incidence. Just because we assigned something a word, does not make it absolute.

this is all fascinating stuff. However, in the end... the best policy is to get off our dreamin' Butt's and do something. I include myself, of course!

My message is too short? I'll have to add more. A famous poet once wrote.."boldness has magic in it"

I"m not sure I believe that our lives are allready mapped out for us (fate), and there is nothing we can do about it. Perhaps, there are several fates which potentially await us, depending on what things we may choose to do a crucial moments? But then you say... ah but thats not fate. Well, it still could be. Kind of like... is it door number 1. number 2. or.... door number three. Each one has a fixed reward behind it.... but you have the power to make a choice. Once having made the choice, however.... that pre-determined fate takes over.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 85 (view)
Dating in Your 50's - Is It Tough?
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:42:58 AM
I heard some statistics (think it was on one of those tv morning shows?) about single women over 45. Apparantly, they are more likely to get struck by lightning than ever get married again. And, of course.... it only gets worse in their fifties...and sixties. Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily just buy into this. But, its interesting.

I think its tougher... in many ways, to date in your fifties (and 60's) than it was in the days before 45. If for no other reason than we are not so damn dumb anymore... and our dern brain gets in the way. It was a lot easier to jump into the romance river when ya just conviently by-passed the brain.

Then, theres all those bruised and battered ego's and bank accounts that many of us lug around that get in the way too. I know, I'm not much interested anymore in anyone who is still into the 'blame game'.

Then, theres all those who havn't yet "actively" addressed all their raging co-dependent behaviors. Not interested.

Pretty soon, theres only a few candidates left! har. And What the..... she lives 3000 miles away.

Truth is: I have this growing Idea that none of us were 'built' to be single at this age.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
Growing old gracefully or just growing old?
Posted: 1/6/2010 9:55:59 PM
I get tired of anything politically correct, anymore. anytime anyone uses words like..."sexist".... My 'anti-PC' radar comes on. Comments are just comments... good, bad, or ugly. Adding words like sexist to them Is, in my opinion, just not necessary. there I got that 2-bits worth off my (macho) chest. har!

I kinda think I am growing old gracefully... If'n I do say so muself. D0 I have any secrests? Not really. But heres a few helpful suggestions:
2. Don't drink much.
3. Stay away from the women that do! (or Men)
4. climb mountains
5. Dance
6. Do not allow that flame of optomism to die out!
7. Practice Gratitude
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 201 (view)
Sensuality in your 50's.....
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:49:02 AM
In a nutshell: YES. However, I certainly empathize with your frustrations.

Go dig out that old dusty copy of the "serenity prayer" and really read it. It gives us all the advice that we ever need to deal with everything.

So what if this guy... (or a whole bunch of guys) have some kind of eroneous concept that mature women are not "sensuous". To He11 with him. Don't let these guys have any power over you. Ignore them. smart women (and men) learn the art of living life on life's terms. And, the difficult truth is: Life is not fair. Life just happens. It doesn't care. Its what we do about it that makes all the difference.

All any of us need is just "One" person who meets our needs. Why should be give away our energy to every nut case who happens to pop up on our in box...etc. Everyone is entitled to their own values.... criterias.... and requirements, no matter how looney we might think they are.

I strive to be kind and considerate while being "true" to myself.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 53 (view)
Outdoor activities plus similar thrill levels as we age. How important?
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:36:18 AM
I'm sure I can speak for most here in that this thread and the posts here were never meant in any way to be condescending or judgemental on those who are genuinely disabled...(such as the wheel chair bound). None of us know what our futures may hold. I could wake up by the end of the week, and find myself forever consigned to a wheelchair. I don't know??? Things happen.

Each day when I wake up, and my body is still strong and very functional. It is a gift. I am very grateful.... and, as far as I am concerned... if I don't make good use of it... Its blasphemy. I will Not feel bad, because I would love to find a woman who is of the same capacities and mentality. But who knows??? I could probably fall in Love with a woman in a wheelchair too. I know what I would like, but.... I have given up trying to predict my future!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 123 (view)
The 'I LOVE YOU' Bomb...
Posted: 1/6/2010 8:06:09 AM
Even the rhetoric is setting this up for failure: "the I love you bomb"???

What has happened to romance? Ahhhhh, for the good ol Jane Austin days...sigh.

There was a time when a woman's entire focus was directed to just that end. Getting those fabled words to squeeze forth from her desired one's lips. Now.... its become a frightening....(Love bomb!!) har har har!

I feel sorry for younger people lost in our Pop culture of Nothing but Personality. You don't have a chance in He!! of finding Love anymore. Well..... theres always just dumb luck. I fear for out country.... thats what!

Anyone who thinks there are some kind of time lines, or.... who entertains the ideas that they have any control what so ever about someone elses feelings.... Yer nuts. har. Its dangerous out there in romance land. Its risky business. If ya can't stand the heat... get out of the kitchen.

The solution is all about ourselves... not "them". We must become as strong, and functional as we possibly can. then whatever situations that come up....and believe me, you have no control!..... its not a problem. You KNOW who you are and what you want. that simple.

Take a little stock in what has become the norm in this culture: " oh, I want all the priviligages, fun, perks, fullfillments and complete access that I can possibly desire... but, don't you dare say you "Love" me!" sheesh! Isn't this all kinda bass_ackwards?
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 47 (view)
Why would ex girlfriend keep my personal items?
Posted: 1/6/2010 7:44:35 AM
I'm going to refrain from getting into the details and personal aspects of this particular story. Everyone else has tried, to some extent, to go in there. Instead I will just keep it general and bare bones.

You want an answer as to ( why would she do this?)

The truth is: situations like this don't happen unless One.... or both... parties are sufficiently dysfunctional. People who are reasonably normal (we're all allowed a little bit of deviation) Just don't have to do this stuff. Its relatively easy for them to access a situation and take responsibility for their part in it. They are able to separate the emotional parts from the reality part involving each other's possessions. In short, they do the right thing.

I can't tell you exactly "who" is the dysfunctional one. Or, if you both are? You have to figure this one out.

Dysfunction does not only come in the form of overtly hostile behaviors. It comes cloaked in the guise of very nice guys too. (helpful hint) good luck!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
Outdoor activities plus similar thrill levels as we age. How important?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:44:42 PM
What you see is what you get. We are who we are. (some of us?) I realize there is a lot of inability to accurately express oneself that goes on in the personal profiles and then continues on things like this forum. And, of course, there are a bunch that are just plain full of ... you know what. But, eventually... you get down to the just plain folks who do what they do and thats that. Theres nothing more to it than that. They do what they do, cause..... thats just who they are. I like to think.... no, I know... that I'm pretty much one of them. What we all really want is someone else who is actually just "being who they are"... and low and behold, they seem to like the same things you do. Nuthin complicated about that. But, when I read these forums (which I have been away from for 6 months or longer) it seems lots of folks are trying to make this more complicated than it has to be. Speaking unclearly, taking things personal, making assumptions, passing judgements... and then smugly sitting back to take some riduculous pot shots. (excuse me, I am not just talking about this particular thread, but rather things I see frequently on most threads).

Quite frankly, it puzzles me why anyone would criticize a desire for an active lifestyle? Uh... no thanks, I prefer to be a fat, sedentary frump whose biggest thrill is going to yard sales....(if I can park my car within 25 feet of it). And, no offense to you yard saler's. I like to stop by them myself. You get my drift.

I addmitt. I'm a backwoods Idaho barbarian who has spent his whole life living in canyon country where the only way is up... or down. And, the rivers at the bottom are some of the wildest in the country. I would just as soon be crawlin' one of those 3000 foot high treacherous ridges or roaring through one of those giant class 4 rapids as about anything on earth. I'm now 64, and can still do it about as good as when I was 35. I thank God everyday for my good fortune. And, as far as I am concerned, I owe it to God to get out and use this fine body I'm blessed with. What fun it would be to find a woman who felt the same.... being just who she is.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 70 (view)
Posted: 5/10/2009 10:22:34 AM
When are you women gonna figure out that Men are interested in sex....and its OK? har har! I understand, some men don't have much style about it.... and that can be a turn off. But we are Men. We are basically just billy goats on two legs without all the hair and horns... (most of us..ha!) You wouldn't want us any other way!

In the end.... its really all about style..isn't it? Its the only thing that actually separates any of us. I see a lot of diatribes on here which attempt to set the authors up on some kind of sexual, values and moral pedastal. But, the truth is.... we were all built the same way by the same creator, and if we are honest..... we understand. So, all thats left is our style.

Its Ok, to desire a certain kind of "style" in your suitor. I do too. But, whats with all the condemnation of Men cause they think Sex?? We should be careful with any general condemnations..... Men or women. thats what I think.

Now: As to Menopause being just another excuse for bad behavior. If you have bad behavior towards your loved one...(or anybody) and blame it on something like Menopause, I think its a bunch of hooey. Note: I'm not suggesting that some women don't suffer from menopause. Heck, I don't know. I would be an idiot to suggest otherwise. However, I'm stickin to my guns in that none of us are ever 'excused' from good behavior because we might be suffering from something. Life sucks, but ya gotta be good. Har! Matey. Its called "attitude"... and it is a choice.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 53 (view)
Posted: 5/8/2009 12:21:30 AM
Personally, I don't care whether a woman is going through menopause... or whatever it might be. (Men too!!) there is NO excuse for bad behaviour. None! End of story.

I've finally figured it out. None of us are ever excused from being kind, courteous and mannered. I don't buy into the old phoney excuses anymore. Periods, chemical imbalance, menopause, drunk, sore butt, bellyache, bad day at work, ...or one of my favorite BS excuses.... 'it was my temper'.

I will empathize with a suffering you are going through all day long.... but I will not allow you to treat me like crap because of it. No more. Can you tell I've allready done thing for the first 45 yrs of my life. har!

As for having negative images about this from early horror stories, or youthful misconceptions: Get educated.

As for the 'sexual' part of it all. We can figure that out as we go through the process together.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
30 is the new 14.
Posted: 5/8/2009 12:01:53 AM
No... this is not just the same old generational thing that happens over and over again. To a small degree, it may be true. But to suggest that whats become common place in this 'progressive' culture is analogous to the 1940s.... or the 1920s..... or any other age doesn't fly anymore.

I'm pretty sure kids bringing guns to school and having their own little masecre is not just a repeat of earlier generations. What we are seeing is the result of 75 years of an emphisis on personality over character. Our new "annointed one" president is the most prominent shining example of this. Ha... and I thought Clinton was bad! har. He was just a warm-up.

Truly, we have succeeded in producing a generation of narcissists. Everything is instant. American Idol is the showcase of Instant stardom. No dues to pay.... no work to be done.... just procur a spot in front of the camera and become an overnight Karaoke star!

Not only is the behaviors becoming intolerable... but we are in danger of losing the good kings english! It is being so dumbed down that you can't even understand many of the various enclaves of young hippnes anymore. Lets not even mention.... texting! We're going back to hyrogliphics! (sp) In earlier generations they have always had their little 'hip' words and sayings..... thats not unusual.... but to compare that with whats going on today is ridiculous. things are really going down the tubes.

I think there is a book...or movie... about some guys who were frozen... and when they awoke in the future.... they were considered the smartest people on earth, cause they could still speak fluent english! har har! Everything had become so dumbed down that everyone was completely illiterate and dysfunctional.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
How do you know you're really ready to get involved again ?
Posted: 5/7/2009 11:42:10 PM
seems to me: If you have to ask a question like this. You arn't ready.

A general rule would be. If you start thinking you are ready. You arn't. We always think we are farther along than we actually are. AND: it isn't just about time. After a couple of failures.... and whatever else we call divorce... it represents a failure., You probably need some kind of personal proactive work to discover what part you contributed to the failures. Take my word for it, no matter how evil or maniacal our ex's might have been..... we still contributed something to the failures. If we don't discover what that was.... we will probably just do the same things again.

Of course, if all you want to do is have fun and try and get your short term needs met... all of this may make no difference. It only matters if you are looking to find a true life partner.

At any rate.... you should provide your dates with all the information you divulged in your post. Let them decide. Good luck.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 121 (view)
Why are so many attractive people divorced?
Posted: 5/5/2009 7:15:57 AM
I didn't read every page:

I get what the OP was wondering about. Her use of the word 'attractive' dosn't influence my understanding. She's just wondering why so damn many seemingly great appearing people have failed at their marriages. Its really a simple question. Not necessarily a simple answer though. Well... in some ways it is.

Simple answer: They did not know how to be Married. (That includes the skills needed to pick a functional partner). The fault is NOT with the institution of Marriage.

Just about everyone of us on here can include ourselves in this catagory. Uhhhhh... the divorced ones anyway. Lets face it... thats 98 percent of us! Good looks, good intentions, charismatic personalities and good jobs alone are not enough. It takes "two" basically functional people to successfully entertain a Marriage. You have to have the skills!

Its not necessarily our faults. The modern so-called progressive culture we have come to live in taught us absolutely Nothing about (relationships). [the 4th R] In fact, about all of modern pop culture is anti-thetical to a successful marriage. And pop-culture has come to be our god.

But: All of us are 100 percent responsible to get those skills now. We can't blame society and the culture...or our parents... or our school... or anything, anymore. We are supposed to be grown up.

My last wife would qualify as one of the worst partners ever to walk down the plank! She was a violent grossly dysfunctional long time alcoholic. I had two lovely children with her ( somehow her uterus still worked...ha!) It was the most horrific experience I have ever had! However, in the end.... I was just as dysfunctional as her! Yeah, I might have been the good guy, but I was pathologically screwed up. And, I can't get out of this one: "I picked her".

I would class myself as one of those 'attractive', intelligent, educated, well intentioned wonderful people who failed miserably at a marriage and family. I failed because I just didn't know how to do it. Simple.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
When do you know you want it exclusive?
Posted: 5/3/2009 9:50:47 PM
If we are in touch with ourselves.... we would not have to ask such a question. We would not have to even ponder it. Its not about any kinds of particular conditions to have happened or exist.... to me its just when you start feeling that way. Duh???

If you feel like you want the relationship to be exclusive... then....(duh) ... you want it to be exclusive. It doesn't matter whats going on in the other person. Its about you. Of course, we hope the other person is feeling the same way when we do, but we have NO power over that.

And it IS absolutely Our responsibility to let the other person know what we are feeling or what we would like. Do Not expect them to just 'know' it! I see one poster here who is a little confused about that.

If the other person wants exclusivity and doesn't say anything about it.... thats their problem... not mine. I've only felt this once in the last decade. It was divine, and I want to feel it again!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 58 (view)
Born Again Virgins??? Over 45's Men and Women!
Posted: 5/3/2009 9:37:32 PM
My God.... its two years now since I first posted in this thread! I think I am approaching the "born again" catagory! Or... maybe I'm allready there!! Or... Maybe I've allready been there a while!!???? How does one determine this anyway! har har.

I'm afraid the born again virgin status might not be for us "mature" folks. Hmmmm? perhaps we are just becoming 'old codgers and old maids'??????? terrible thought, huh!

messages this short may not be posted..... may not be posted...may not be.... may not.... may... may ...mayday...mayday... mayday!

Messages this short may not be posted. I am still being persecuted for years old transgressions on the political forums. har har!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
Living solo
Posted: 5/3/2009 9:39:15 AM
If you are truly self-actualized and authentic and have learned how to take care of yourself..... you are no longer afraid of "losing yourself" in a relationship. the problem in this is ALWAYS with you! Not them! As long as we are still blaming them for anything at all.... or blaming Marriage... or blaming the living conditions.... or blaming anything outside of ourselves... we havn't made it yet, and should probably remain alone! You can attempt to create your perfect relationship by manipulating the outside conditions. It will never work. You want a perfect relationship...(whats that, anyway??? ha!) Make yourself good, first.

I'm not trying to be preachy here. I can't help it. har. For some reason, I made the trip into Hell, and then had the wonderful good fortune to get into real 'co-dependent' recovery! wow! What a concept. I'm no longer confused and ignorant about this stuff. Turn that microscope around and point in the right direction. At ourselves!

In the spiritual world, there is no bargaining. If you don't accept the requirements completely... you don't get the rewards. Wasn't there a time when "marriage" was spiritual??? What happened? I think we've lost our way in this modern so called Progressive culture.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 52 (view)
The type of person you are looking for
Posted: 5/3/2009 9:17:48 AM
No doubt, the basic type I am attracted to has really not changed that much. But, for me, it has been more of a process of elimination. Much like I have done in my own devlopement and growth process. Eliminated the impaired and dysfunctional parts of me.

In my foolish and ignorant youth...(which for me lasted well into my forties!) I had no capacity to recognize and identify addiction and dysfunction. If I felt 'Love" for them... then everything was going to be ok....wansn't it??? har. Today I understand you can fall in Love with people who are not good for you!

So, the answer is: I'm still attracted to the same 'type'. However, Just because I am attracted to them.... doesn't mean they are the one for me...necessarily...anymore!

there is ONE thing that has changed though. I prefer 'conservative' women these days. I guess that has changed. Hmmmmmm?
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
Living solo
Posted: 4/28/2009 11:53:57 PM
My dear Pof friends: I got news for ya. I know its like a foriegn language to you... but there is a term that most of us never had the occasion to use....let along experience. Its called... (a functional Relationship). Its where two people live their lives together in a totally committed fashion, without Losing anything they personally value! In a truly functional relationship, this can happen easily even when you live together in the same house.

If you think you are going to somehow 'create' that great relationship that you always wanted by simply avoiding the 'living together' part..... good luck! har har.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater was a nursury rhyme. Doesn't really work in real life.

I'm not totally against any personal choices about partners particular habits etc... but these must be made from the 'inside out... not from the outside in'.

I'm looking for that great functional partnership first. We can decide about the little idiosynchroties that might need some attention soon enough.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 54 (view)
Do men and women really enjoy wet sloppy kisses?
Posted: 4/28/2009 11:31:57 PM
I remember the "french" kisses from high school days. We were learning how to kiss in general. French kissing was considered the ultimate kind of kissing back then, early sixties. And it was something akin to sex. (high school mentality). Today high school kids apparantly engage in Oral sex and don't consider it sex!?? How times have changed.

when I was 16 or 17 and had never had sex... I thought the deep crude french kissing was really something. Trying to stick your tounge as far down the girl's throat as possible, and her doing the same to you. That was our "oral" sex. ha. But as I matured and refined my practices, I didn't really care for the deep tounge lunges anymore...still don't. something a little too invasive about it. A very gentle little tounge work is nice. Not deep and invasive, but soft and extremely gentle... and more like an extension of your fingers.

If I encounter a woman who at a mature age still likes to plunge her tounge down to my tonsils.... it turns me off, quite frankly. Whoa there! But then, I don't like the bloody scratches on my back either! Har!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
Are his/her music tastes important to you?
Posted: 4/23/2009 7:59:32 PM
It certainly could be a dealbreaker. But she would have to be quite radical. I'm an open minded musician. I love about all kinds of music. Have my favorites. Mostly I think hip-hop and rap are a big fraud perpetrated on white america. Not too much danger of finding a "rap" freak in our age group anyway. ha!

I probably couldn't take listening to that mind numbing repeticious 'new age' music playing all day! I'd have to throw on some good ol AC/DC, or maybe some loud shit kickin music! Especially love rockin' guitar blues. Stevie Ray was the king! But I love ethnic music....classical (as long as its not the terrible disonent modern stuff)... tex mex....cajun..... Am. Indian drum groups....... bluegrass..... jazz guitar.... and a lot of the cutting edge "real rock" music too. (not the pop schmop crap). Nah.... she'd have to be pretty goofy to run me off! ha.
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 108 (view)
So Round So Firm & So Fully Packed! So whats the Problem!
Posted: 4/21/2009 9:29:16 AM
Its true: From about 50 onwards.... our bodies just begin to "do things" that they never did earlier. Its called aging. However, there is still Much we can do. We can't stop the process of aging, but we can certainly exert some control as to how fast and furious it happens. I see a whole lot of rationalizing on here (and everywhere else) by people who have chosen not to exercise any control. Some can get quite hostile in their defense of their "round and full packed " bodies.

Hey, if you are truly comfortable with your overly out of shape and soft body, thats fine and wonderful.... but when I see these kinds of people being condescending and even attacking the ones who have chosen to take more pro-active choices to stay as fit as they can, It sounds to me like the (fully packed) are actually not so comfortable in their own skin. If you are comfortable in your own skin, you will have no need to attack anyone. You will have no need to criticize and rationalize. You will just be 'happily fat'. thats good.

At my age, I certainly don't expect to demand, or even attract, a skinny miss america. ha! Actually, its not the weight, but how it hangs. A voluptuous buff woman is very attractive. Its about tone, isn't it. I think its perfectly ok to seek a partner that is at least at the same level of fitness as we are. It seems a lot of people tend to 'over rate' themselves in this catagory. ha! Maybe thats the problem?

As May said: Stand in front of a big mirror naked... and actually open your eyes. The truth shall be revealed!
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
Old and new movies: How do the movies affect your ideas about love and romance?
Posted: 4/9/2009 7:51:35 PM
So far I don't think any of you have a grasp at just how much the romantic movie genru' has affected our thinking about love, romance and marriage. Most of us have seen so damn many of these things by now, we fancy ourselves some kind of critic and above it all. Har! don't fool yourselves. These films for the last 70 years now have allready done their steady insidious work on us. Its in there. for better or worse.

Sure, our intellect tells us... its not really real. It just doesn't hardly ever (if at all) happen that way. Our intellect thinks its pretty darn smart. In truth, it isn't. All those romantic movies have long since migrated out of our pure intellect into our more basic emotional and heart functions. Its too late. It just might be why we have so much discontent, dis-satisfaction and divorce in the modern world? Our real life romances and marriages are never going to live up to the idealized things we see in movies. Have you noticed that allmost ALL of the romance stories end..... right at the beginning???

Anyway, with that being said: I'm still a sap when it comes to a good romance movie. Two recent ones I definately recommend.....( Nites in rodantha) with richard gere and diane lane...... absolutely excelent, even if it doesn't have the perfect ending. the other one: (The curious case of Benjimin Button) with brad pit and Kate blanchett. wow! Of course, I confess to having long believed Kate Blanchett is the most beautiful and talented woman alive.
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