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 Author Thread: America Matters
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
America Matters
Posted: 11/18/2017 2:17:37 PM
Though I'm for human rights, the state, particularly if as benign and fair as the U S A, should have such too. As things are out-of-kilter and in-favour of vocal sectaries, a better balance ought to be struck. The government of Cuba or Iran is not relenting; China is gaining power; Russia is as mischievous and threatening as ever; and North Korea and Venezuela are getting nastier. Therefore, I'm encouraged that President Trump's administration appears to be giving serious consideration to reviving Ronald Reagan's 'star wars' system. And setting it up would be money-well-spent, for it would greatly strengthen the U S A against its opponents and promote technological developments and stimulate 'hard' science at a time when the latter seems to be stuck in the Nineteen-Seventies. After all, all the funding of or speculation on the existence of 'black holes', 'dark' energy, 'dark' matter, the 'multiverse' and 'string theory' is getting us nowhere, no?
The Foodstamp·consuming, cannabis- or 'student·loan'-taking masses live in a world that's sustained mainly by its enormous momentum. However, they must be informed that it is besieged: and, cannot last for long.

Hmm. Well, you have so many things wrong here, it's difficult to address them all.

Though you claim to support "human rights," you give every indication of the near complete opposite. The idea that "America" as a nation has "human rights" which need to override the rights of it's own citizens, is particularly absurd.

And your idea that Trump is acting in a POSITIVE way to see to the defense of the US against Russia and China, requires that everyone hide their ears and eyes under dark objects and ignore the fact that he has behaved exactly the opposite of that since before taking office.

And once again, we see that you stopped paying attention to the real world back in about 1985, because you still think that
"foodstamp consuming" people and so on are a huge part of the nation and it's finances, when they have NEVER been such.

Finally, the list of scientific inquiries you decry as "getting us no where," are actually where all the greatest modern advances in fundamental science are being made, and that isn't happening in the US. Because the Republican Party decided that it was the party of Zero Science, about a decade back or so, because the scientists of the entire world, are against them on things like climate change.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
drama-free
Posted: 11/6/2017 9:16:12 PM
Actually, having been reading people's profiles and comments for a long time now, I have come to the general conclusion that what most people mean by "no drama," is that they don't want you to show up in the middle of THEIR lives, and expect them to fix or have to deal with whatever problems or anxieties or fears that you acquired from your previous romantic adventures.

Therefore, if you are still pining for the one who got away, or are still recovering from your divorce, or are still angry at the guy who dumped you after you spent money on him...and you expect your next relationship to erase all that, or to answer for it, then they'd prefer that you don't get in touch.
Another way to put it would be something like "I'm looking for someone who is ready to relate in a mature manner, right from the beginning, without prejudices getting in the way."
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
she's sick and asks to reconfirm
Posted: 11/4/2017 6:44:47 AM
What dating is for, is to find such things out.

The one thing you DON'T want to do, is to guess and calculate, and worst of all, make decisions about YOURSELF, based on what you imagine the other person is or isn't doing or thinking.

Do what it is that YOU want to do, and let them decide on what they want to do based on what THEY want.

If you each stick to that, and you end up spending time together as a result, then you have something real to make further decisions about.

If not, your dating process has been successful, in that you learned that you and the other person aren't "on the same page" about enough to make a go of things.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Has my partner created unrealistic boundaries with the opposite sex?
Posted: 10/24/2017 3:18:53 PM

I had a come to Jesus talk with my boyfriend & said the emotionally close daily friendships with others had to stop OR the relationship had to end. I made it clear that my male friends are important to me and I understand him having female friends but this is too much.

He told me he has now established boundaries for himself:

- he will not reach out to female friends more than once every 3 months (!)
- he will not seek attention from women or instigate contact with them unless they contact him first
- he said 'I have not spoken to another woman since you left'

I personally would miss my male friends if I didn't speak to them for 1/4 of the year. Obviously this daily texting had become something of an addiction for my boyfriend - filling in a gap during a stressful work day (he has just changed jobs and is much happier). When he quit smoking years ago he went cold turkey so maybe this is his method.

But I'm trying to establish boundaries for the future and I don't feel his are realistic. What do you think?


Sorry, late to the discussion on this one.
Anyway, just have a thought or so to toss in.

My observation, is that from a problem-solving point of view, neither you OR your soon to be live in BF are "being realistic."

You came up with your idea of getting him to set new boundaries, without even now, finding out why he has been doing as he has. You simply noted that he chatted online with other women more than you wanted, and told him to stop doing that. You aren't even clear on why YOU don't like it, instead, you've used one of the modern fad accusation cover-stories, declaring that he is "addicted" to this behavior.

On his side, his "solution" is sort of logically based on what you told him to do (i.e. not spend as much time talking to other women), but like yours, he completely ignores what he was doing before and why, and so his "solution" of communicating with the same women about the same things remains as before...he just plans on doing it in a more spaced-out fashion.

Neither of you has addressed the reality, which is that both of you have preconceived ideas about what A relationship living together is supposed to consist of, but you haven't looked closely at your own visions details, and made the necessary adjustments to your own life goals and activities, so that your way of behaving together actually make sense.

Since you seem to be upset about the fact that these relationships exist at all, why would him cutting back on how much time he spends on them solve what you are upset about?

Another thought... if the reason why you ARE upset about them, is that you think he should WANT TO be focusing that time and attention on you, then it makes no sense for you to FORCE him to do so. That would defeat that purpose.

So I suggest you both invest time in figuring out what each of you are doing and why, and THEN come up with a plan for changes.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Ex bf called me saying he wanted me back
Posted: 10/24/2017 4:29:05 AM
I have found that overall, people do what they want to do. That is, if you ask why someone did something, the answer will always be "because they wanted to," on some level.

However, it is ALSO true, that people only rarely do what they want, after carefully working out a thorough plan, that takes into account who they are, and who everyone else is. So, if you ask WHY did he/she do whatever, as in "what was their crafty long term plan, how does this fit into their master design?" You'll end up confusing yourself almost every time.

I had my worst ex ever, contact me out of the blue, several times after our permanent break. She never did it to try to get back together, that was never a possibility from either side. But years after she did as she did, I worked out what was really going on each time. Each time she reconnected, it was in order to advance her PLAN OF THE MOMENT. And had nothing at all to do with our past, per se. In her case, it was because her entire life, consisted of imagining dramatically important backstories were behind everything that happened (thus making herself very important to the world).

My part in her script, in each of the times she contacted me after the final split, was to perform somehow, in a way that fit what her particular drama was all about THEN. The first time, I later realized, she wanted to perform a scene where the two ex lovers came back together to reminisce over the good times (she brought along pictures to provide the new backstory for the scene) , and then stage a formal, more "adult," less painful version of the breakup scene. Essentially, she got back in touch because she wanted to REPAIR AND REPLACE HER OWN MEMORIES of what had happened, with new ones, that fit whatever it was she was trying to portray in her current life.

She also called again a few years later still, to tell me she was getting married. That was an even stranger call (no face to face meet), because she had by then, conjured up an even MORE dramatic false memory of our past together, blending it with some romance novel she might have read. I was clearly supposed to play the part of the Great Pining Ex Lover Never To Be, who needed to be gracefully fended away from trying to follow her into her new married life. I later worked out, that what she was probably doing was writing a new version of her past, which she was telling to her soon too be husband, in order to draw HIM in as some sort of combination rescuer, and Lover of Destiny. I felt like an old cast member, who had received new script pages from the director, telling me that my character had been rewritten from my being Dudley Do-right, to my being the star-crossed villain all along. I went along with it, of course, even though I only halfway sensed what she was up to, because it was clear that I didn't have to do anything more than say "okay" when she told me an entirely made-up, new version of the past. My character was being "killed off," so I wouldn't have to learn any more lines.

From what I've seen watching other people's lives, when an ex calls from out of the blue to say they want you back, it's because IN THAT MOMENT, they want back the version of you that they had fantasized up since you left. Not you as you are, and not to be with them as THEY actually are. Often, they awaken enough from their own self-written imagination during the process, such that they switch from living up to whatever they said to get back in touch, to pursuing some immediate pleasure. Instant old-flame sex perhaps, or to repeat the fun of dumping you all over again, this time with them as the master, and you as the foolish, pitiful slave to love, crawling back to them. Many times, they don't realize that's what they are doing, until they actually deliver the needed lines.

Hence why YOU are often confused. You think their actions make no sense, because they in fact, make no sense.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Sheer dumb luck...
Posted: 10/22/2017 7:46:23 AM
I agree with your assessment completely, 6jelly.

Yes, of course, "luck favors the prepared." But you have to be LUCKY enough to recognize in advance what to prepare FOR, don't you?

And yes, your chances increase with every "lottery ticket" you buy, so to speak. But it takes LUCK to have the money to SPEND on lottery tickets, and it takes LUCK to chance to live somewhere that has lotteries.

And "timing" is indeed one of the many "everythings" we all have to remember, but it's not preparation or work that results in your timing being right, it's chance.

The reason why lots of people go into intense rejection mode at the suggestion that it's really ultimately all luck, is due to several things. Ego is a big one. People want to think well of themselves, and if they accept how much luck is involved, their ego takes a hit. As well, lots of people DO work very VERY hard, to try to prepare themselves, to better themselves, and so on, and it feels as though you are telling them the work was wasted when you say that it's STILL a matter of luck, after all that. And of course, some people are opposed to recognizing the role of luck, because it smacks of predestination and control by some external power, and lots of us are seriously opposed to that.

But in the end, it will help anyone a great deal, if they ADMIT TO REALITY. And reality is, that there is an element of serendipity in all things at all times.

Believing there is not, is what leads to some of the most self-destructive behaviors that otherwise good people indulge in. Think luck plays no part? You might end up at the end of the alley labeled "racists and other prejudiced people enter here." Or you might become one of the lost souls who are shackled by resentment, because they KNOW they did everything "right," and they KNOW that they put all the required work in and more, and still have no one. Or very bad even in victory, you might well fail to truly appreciate and be grateful for the person who does love you, and that error is likely to drive that love away again.

Luck. Sheer dumb luck.

And by the way, you know how some people say that trusting to luck gets you nowhere? They missed a trick with that. If you COUNT ON LUCK, then it stops being LUCK. It's now an EXPECTATION. It's not "luck," it's your PLAN.

So I say bravo, accept that it IS always a matter of luck. Recognizing that, will help you be appropriately grateful, appropriately humble, appropriately alert, and more.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/22/2017 6:21:36 AM

^^^The new guy has not expressed hatred toward my ex at all. I am having trouble figuring out if dating someone who potentially could be my ex's enemy if they both lived back in their country is proper.


I would gently suggest that what you are actually doing, is trying to deal with a situation that you are personally uncomfortable with, and are having trouble deciding for your own self, because you have some external loyalties and dedications, which appear to you to be in conflict with what your personal desires are. So you are hoping that the decision can be made FOR you, by some overall social "rule."

Essentially, I think that you have come to focus on the wrong detail of your situation, as a decision point. You think that the reason why you feel uncomfortable about the new guy, is because of his religious/cultural antagonisms towards your ex, but since you are already philosophically convinced that it is wrong to reject someone for their beliefs, you are don't feel justified in dumping him for that reason alone.

Hence the way you asked the question. I think that your real concern is something more detailed. Perhaps, since you DO continue to have necessary involvement with your ex, because of your child, you fear that the religious differences will either result in future conflicts and friction in your life, or even more concerning, that there will be a fight over how your child is raised. The new guy, if he becomes your mate, will have an influence over how your child is raised religiously, and that will be a problem FOR THE CHILD.

So this is really a PRACTICAL PROBLEM. You need to be able to raise your child in a way that does not cause him or her to be alienated from their father, and this situation has the potential to do that.

The only way I know of to decide about such things, is to recognize and accept that this is your challenge to deal with, and then decide whether or not you are willing to take the natural ensuing problems on or not. In other words, you don't need to decide if this is "proper" or not; you need to decide that whether it is or is not, if you want to deal with it, and if you want to put your child through it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Asking someone if they are dating
Posted: 10/22/2017 5:35:01 AM
Okay, no one answered your question yet, so I will.

Your question is: " What's a good way to ask a girl if she's seeing someone else without it being awkward and do suggest asking her that by message now or in person when I see her?"

You should ask specifically and directly. Not because that "works" as a technique to get into a woman's nether regions, but because it is the only reliable way to get a direct and accurate answer.

And I would also suggest that you ask in person, rather than while texting, because the mindset people are in when texting or otherwise playing with cell phones, is not conducive to serious answers, and IS conducive to answering in a way that allows them to get on with whatever they are MOSTLY attending to while playing with you on the phone on the side.

And I would be as direct as possible, since you clearly want your interaction with her to be as specific as possible. So specify what kind of relationship you are after with her (not in sexual detail, that's idiocy incarnate), and ask her what her overall interests and intentions are. If you phrase it well enough that she can choose either friendship or romance without suffering condemnation, you are more likely to get an accurate answer.

You will NOT increase your chances with her by being coy, or by trying to trick her into revealing her goals, you will only draw out the amount of time it takes to figure them out, and worse, if she IS the honest type, you will more likely drive her to decide that you are NOT so.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Are Things Really THAT Bad Out There?
Posted: 10/22/2017 5:20:38 AM
Perhaps I have a love of the study of History because it is in my nature to find pleasure in recognizing patterns and assembling wisdom, and perhaps the other way around, or both. I suspect the latter.

In application here, it means that I see an element that even my now favorite posters (such as Pig and Aint) seem not to appreciate.

That is, that existence is not MAGICAL, it is MECHANICAL. And all mechanical things, are constantly interactive.

What I mean by that rather high level overview, is that what does or doesn't happen to us as we interact with others, is intrinsically linked to how we go about doing so. Your approach and your own preestablished notions, will always have an effect on your results.

The single greatest danger in this dating and mating aspect of life, is that if you deal with humans as though they are part of a mass ( as though they are sheep to be shorn, or coup to be counted, or worst of all, dating-coach-specified-automatons to be triggered and steered), this approach attitude will tend to CAUSE the results that you are trying to avoid.

I have been a machine service technician of one sort or another for most of my life, and that shows up in my viewpoints as well. I learned from machines, and from people, that ALL mechanisms are designed with specific results in mind, but that the choices made in designing any mechanism, will often result in unintended, but designed-in "side effects" that those of us who have to try to fix them, have to accept and understand.

Example, in a machine with warning indicators built in, there are always limits to what the indicators can tell you. A printer with a paper jam will never tell you WHY the paper stopped, and many times it wont even be able to tell you WHERE it stopped, it can only tell you THAT it stopped.

Same thing with people. Our society is interactive, and is constantly feeding us with "warning indications" and how to interpret them; however, those "warning indications" are like the ones in machines, so if you want to do more than throw up your hands and call in a technician, you need to keep in mind, that you may only be seeing the most recent FAD INSTIGATED messages. Right now it is a fad to explain everything as narcissism, so there appears to be a narcissism epidemic, and some people are scrambling to explain why, by pointing to cell phones and "cut and run" dating strategies. But people really haven't actually changed over the eons, and certainly haven't changed THAT much, THAT recently. All there is to the narcissism fad, is renaming what used to be called selfishness, short-term goal pursuit, and general thoughtlessness, with a more clinical and therefore magically insidious-sounding label.

And here is one of my base Wise Sayings as relates to all this: Don't get over-focused on the CAUSES of what you decry; because it is your SOLUTION that you will have to live with from now on, and your SOLUTION can and will likely cause it's own problems. Case in point: the very popular idea that since life is short, you should NEVER let someone take their time to meet up with you in person, and you should NEVER wait for a person to get to know you before moving to the next stage of relating. Using impatience as a solution to dithering DOES appear to work, in that once you make that your policy, you will be able to look back and see few if any instances where you spent many hours on someone without ever progressing to body to body mate experiments. However, the natural mechanical result of choosing that solution, inherently means that the people who you DO spend your efforts on, will of necessity be the "leap as close to instantly" kind of people, and will ALSO be the "lets try this as an experiment and not even think about the long term" kind as well.
And you will very likely as a natural result, come to believe that there is now a dramatic increase in the world, of people who only seek short term relationships, based on instant gratification...but it's because that is what YOU DECIDED TO MAKE YOUR OWN CRITERIA.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Dating with Autoimmune disease
Posted: 10/14/2017 10:01:52 AM
The dynamic in this is a very important and fundamental one, which if you can grasp it, will help you cope, regardless of your limits or abilities.

It is all a matter of actions, choices, and the naturally and chance occurring consequences of those actions and choices.

If you choose NOT to reveal your diagnosis in your profile, and you want to find more than moment to moment entertainment connections with others, you are insuring that you will have to give each person you find you are attracted enough to, a "talk" about it. You have to accept the invariable "reveal" embarrassments and discomforts, as a part of delaying notice.

If you reveal yourself in advance in your profile, you risk driving off people who might decide you are worth the trouble, AND (as someone pointed out) you attract some rather unsavory opportunistic people, which you will have to get used to turning away after discovering that they are such.

As with all of life, as I have found at least, it isn't a matter of finding and doing the right things in the right way, and reaping the rewards. It's instead, a learning and guessing process, in which you make choices and accept consequences, and hope that you can arrange the most pleasant and tolerable consequences that you can manage.

The kind of future mate you are looking for, is someone who does exactly that. Who isn't looking for a perfect specimen or model mate of some kind, but who is looking for someone like you, including your difficulties. The natural consequences that go along with seeking such a mate, if that's what you want, is to accept that your possibilities will be more limited, and your search more difficult, including in the need to deal with the conundrum of the MS reveal timing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Abortion Congressman Caught in Abortion Hypocrisy
Posted: 10/6/2017 4:36:09 AM
Yep. It seems that its ALWAYS a mistake to try to claim that YOUR side has all the "moral" people on it. Especially when there's big money to be made by pretending to lead a moral cause.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
On Drama
Posted: 10/6/2017 4:30:18 AM
What I see as the great irony of the "NO DRAMA!" fad or movement, aside from the fact that people who put that prominently in their profiles are being overdramatic by doing so... is precisely because it's entirely illogical to try to get everyone to "self-police" such a concern.

All that is accomplished with me, for example, when I come across that statement, is that the person in question isn't interested in a RELATIONSHIP, they just want to hire a cheap entertainer. After all, real life happens, all by itself. "Drama," which usually refers to pretty much anything that a person has negative emotions or is distracted about, can come into a person's life at any time.

I very much DO sympathize and understand and agree with the people who have become exhausted by becoming across people who think of relationships more as emotional rest-stops for themselves, than as either adventures or even as companionships within life. But making broad-brush declarations about almost anything, is a sure fire way to do the exact opposite to yourself, of what you THINK you are doing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Movies unwatched
Posted: 10/1/2017 5:53:49 PM

Isn't this similar to the way in which we're effectively conditioned to treasure certain books?


I'm sure it can be, but it certainly isn't for me. I set my OWN standards for what I "should" own copies of, plus, I limit sharply how much I will PAY to have something in my library just to know it's there. I never pay anywhere close to full price for a 'reference film."

And I disagree with the Biaggini quote (or semi-quote). I studied a bit of why we DO teach literature, and why we DO assign some things as being important milestones for people to be aware of, and it's certainly NOT a fraud, by any stretch of the imagination. Now. Any given single work, might not really be as brilliant as some teachers or reviewers or "experts in literature" would have us believe, but that's a separate issue.

Sticking with films as the subject, there are plenty of films I have seen, which are considered classics or are described as pivotal for the history of film-making or story telling, which I recognize to be the most dreadful muck I've had the displeasure to sit through. However, the fact that a film actually IS garbage, often has nothing to do with why it is considered either a classic, or an influential creation of art.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Movies unwatched
Posted: 9/30/2017 6:00:47 AM
Well, I sort of do that a little.
I suffer from a couple of "curses." One is probably due to having been born to lower middle class parents who survived the Great Depression. I have to fight off the urge to buy or hold onto things, simply because they are ridiculously inexpensive, and "MIGHT be useful to someone later." The other is more positive, which is that I am a lifetime student of history and human nature, and so I have a very large film collection which includes not only films that I directly like, but also films that I know are historically important or are uniquely popular to OTHER people. I keep them as I would reference material.

For example, I bought a copy of Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I have never watched. I bought it on sale a very long time ago, because of the cult following others indulge in over it. I don't know how many DVD's and blu rays I own, just that it's in the hundreds. I rarely use them for personal entertainment, but I hang on to them just in case.

My "defect" turned out to be a bit lucky in one way. I have a severely handicapped son who can only really enjoy himself, watching films; but he's very picky, and very selective. When he's here, I NEED to have a big library of possibilities in order to please him. And since I'm "defective" in the way that I am, I do.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
How do you deal with anxiety when it comes to dating?
Posted: 9/30/2017 5:49:27 AM
Nonsense. Women ARE expected to be confident as well. Just in a different way. Women who lack confidence are taunted as everything from wallflowers, to "teases," to drama queens, to prudes, and worse.

Yeah, it was a drag growing up shy, in a society where the mistakes a guy makes socially are amplified the way that they are, but in the end, this is all due to inherent and inherited Human Nature.

Women don't generally call for or go for confident guys, because they all got together and agreed to taunt the shy ones. They do it without realizing that they do it, just as males don't often realize all the real reasons why we do what we do.

If nothing else, recognize that women are daily victimized in vile ways by sociopaths and others who USE the fact that a show of confidence can fool people into doing self-destructive things. And us shy people can't help them, because of our own inherent challenges.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 45 (view)
 
What if O.J. didn’t do it?
Posted: 9/30/2017 5:38:29 AM
I don't think you could have picked a more inapplicable platitude to use on O.J. Simpson than "people have served their debt to society."

Simpson has served his time for the ARMED ROBBERY he committed. Nothing else.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How do you deal with anxiety when it comes to dating?
Posted: 9/29/2017 12:31:03 PM
There is another approach that you can try.

Use your own "defect" as a tool to succeed.

You over-think things? Fine. Use that. Try to CONTINUE to think through, past the failures that you can foresee. Observe the exact results that you fear will occur.

Then PLAN FOR THOSE RESULTS. If you fear that you will be over eager, and blurt our something embarrassing, fine. Rather than try to hyper-control yourself in the moment and PREVENT such an concurrence, think up a way to explain your foolishness which is honest and positive.

Plan for everything, including how to gracefully extract yourself from a situation where you've "put your foot in it," and need to back away and go elsewhere.

Having a plan for "what to do if," is the best armor against anxiety.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Spotting abusers
Posted: 9/29/2017 12:15:51 PM
Yes. There is an excellent way to tell early on, though it may require that you work a bit.
The "tell," as poker players call it, for everyone, is in the REASONS WHY they do whatever it is that they do. Pay attention early on, to every decision they make, and note the REASON behind each decision, no matter how small.

Everyone tends to behave consistently in a basic way on small things, even when they are actively trying to deceive you on larger ones. If a person is impatient and demanding when dealing with physical objects, and even more so, if they are demanding and impatient with service personnel, no matter how polite and gracious they may be with you to start with, they will eventually treat you the exact same way that they do with those other people.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Article about when seniors should get married
Posted: 9/27/2017 5:47:14 PM

Let me take marriage out of the discussion, because I was more interested in how fast we should make partnership decisions (my fault for not phrasing the original question well). Should we be making commitment and cohabitation decisions more quickly?


It's functionally the same thing. Once someone moves in with you, changing your mind and getting them out again is a ton of work.

Essentially, my answer to your overall question, no matter how you phrase it, is that serious far reaching decisions do get slightly easier with age and experience, but not THAT easy. So no, no matter what, cohabitation and commitment decisions should NEVER be rushed; should NEVER be made quicker because you are older.

The thing is, although I've learned tons about myself over the years, and lots about other people, one important element has NOT changed; and that is, that the amount of time it takes to get to know someone ELSE well enough to make such a decision about them.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Article about when seniors should get married
Posted: 9/23/2017 6:06:40 PM
Yeah, we're much faster at deciding for or against someone. That's just experience and self-knowledge at play.

Don't know why you'd want the article, if the reasoning in it is that awful. Get married in a rush, just because you might change your mind? Sounds like door-to-door sales pressure of the olden days.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 7:22:53 PM
I don't think talking to a physiologist is likely to help with fears of anything. Hopefully it was a psychiatrist.

Okay. We have a guy who wanted very much to have you move in with him. You expressed a great resistance to it, fear essentially of too much loss of privacy (?) He reassures you verbally. Then you do move in, and he appears to work at staying away from you. He's seeing a "physiologist" to help him with HIS fears about living together.

The math of all that doesn't add up to a guy who wants a live in maid, and certainly not a sex-on-demand scenario. It reminds me more of a sort of mixed collection of social fears all mooshed together, and crossed up with his attempts to "solve" the problems himself.

I've seen lots of people try to "fix" worries in their lives, by going overboard in various ways. The classic that we once saw before society got more open, was a gay person in denial, who would rush to get married to prove to themselves that they weren't really gay. These days, I could easily imagine a guy who is trying hard to both overcome his own fear of intimacy, and to "prove himself" to you, might push harder than HE wants for you to move in; and then afterwards, use your own trepidations as an excuse to give in to his own avoidance behaviors, by saying to himself "I'll not only prove I'm serious about this relationship, I'll prove that she doesn't need to worry about me crowding her too much, by making sure I'm busy elsewhere almost all the time!!!!"
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
What to do with this woman?!
Posted: 9/18/2017 2:36:47 PM
Simple: nothing.

Trust is at zero. That's like no gas in the tank, AND no oil in the engine.

I've got a great looking car in my garage right now, too. No one in the area has a clue how to fix it when it breaks, especially including the manufacturer, so it's going to be towed to the junk pile shortly. Suggest you do the same.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Healthcare For All
Posted: 9/18/2017 2:23:43 PM
I agree that some version of universal health care is inevitable, for two reasons:
1. Everyone we compete with has it already, so we cripple our private industry competitively as long as we continue to refuse to do the same;

2. Medical care delivery is one of the elements of human life which DOES NOT FIT the basic requirements of anything which can be successful, using a capitalist competitive free market approach. This is because the profitable PRODUCT of a successful medical situation, is someone who doesn't need the services that the industry best provides.

But I'm sorry, there is no hope at all that doctors will stop being arrogant. This is because the process that people go through to BECOME doctors has been designed to thoroughly ferret out anyone who isn't an arrogant jerk, and flunk them out of the system.

You might as well call for an end to NFL quarterbacks, who think they sit at the right hand of God.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Long contact with Ex Gf over breakup (21yo)
Posted: 9/13/2017 5:19:06 AM
This is all primarily the natural and very common result of youth and inexperience. Please note that I am NOT saying that as a condemnation or criticism, but as a simple fact of life. People who are very young, making their first serious attempt at a long-term mate-like relationship, have no other choice but to make the basic mistake, of doing a mix of what they have always heard they are supposed to do in a relationship, and whatever things they happen to want to do one moment to the next, without knowing how to connect it all up into a complete sense of self-with-another.

In short, you are at the beginning of learning about yourself in a new way (as a part of something larger, as opposed to yourself as an individual).

There are answers to the smaller implied question in there, which are fairly simple. Such as, that people can miss each other, without that meaning either that they SHOULD be together, or even that they WANT to be together again. All that "missing" ever really is, is arriving at a moment where you subconsciously anticipated the other being there, and finding that they are not. The sad feeling one gets, is often more a result of the confused sense that either what went before, or what happened up to that moment had not been functionally real, than it is any sort of magical or subconscious verdict that one SHOULD try to get back together again.

Where to go from here? Forward, of course. You can never go back and rewrite the actual past, only the story you tell yourself about it. Your really only have a partial understanding at this point, of how you went wrong in the relationship. You have yet to have become the person who you will be, after you finish learning and changing from all of it. And once you have learned and changed, you wont be the same person you were before, so you and she will have to quite literally begin at the beginning again, and find out if the people who you are NOW, are compatible or not.

And that's an extremely difficult thing to do, when both of you are still in transition from what you were, to what you might or will become. The real reason why it's commonly recommended that you NOT try to go back and rekindle things with a previous lover or mate, especially so soon after a break up, is because neither of you will be able to tell the difference, one moment to the next, who you each are, or who the other person really is, due to having more memories and conclusions about each other built up from what HAS HAPPENED ALREADY, than you have any trust or understanding of how or if either of you has actually changed.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Hillary is now blaming Bernie for her loss...and Bernie's reply is...
Posted: 9/13/2017 4:53:39 AM
While I have NEVER been a fan of Hillary Clinton, and I do find her manner of dealing with the world to be obtuse and off-putting, I also find it to be intensely hypocritical how many people seem to enjoy pouncing on small excepts from her post-election-loss comments and writings, with an eye to proclaiming that each individual comment she makes, is the entirety of what she said or thought.

I have yet to see the entire book, and I'm certainly not going to buy a copy, since I really don't CARE why she thinks she lost. However, I have read several excepts, and it's clear that she does NOT entirely blame any single factor for her loss, despite what all who are chirping so flatteringly to each other in forums like this, like to pretend.

The title of this thread is functionally a lie. Yes, she did say that Sanders is ONE of the reasons for her loss. But it is actually TRUE that Sanders is one of the reasons. He was not the ONLY one, and even Clinton, with all of her obvious shortcomings in areas of balance and objectivity, hasn't claimed otherwise. Hence any onlooker who wants to pretend that she's been dodging from one cover story to the next mindlessly, is lying to themselves and others, not to mention wasting valuable time on musings about someone who is no longer a force in politics.

As for the equally made-up self-delusions that Sanders himself has ever portrayed himself as a pure servant of the people without flaw, that's even more of a lie. Again, designed to make people who get off on being derisive without contributing actual thought or clear observation, to enjoy patting each other on the back for spouting vindictive, self-serving nonsense.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Image upload privileges revoked
Posted: 9/9/2017 6:38:24 AM
The biggest problem with this site since it was sold to Match, is that there are no longer any humans involved with it. The only partially completed automated systems that the previous owner put in place, accidentally set up a condition wherein a small number of antagonistic people (or one person with multiple profiles) can use the now entirely automated complaint system, to sabotage someone they get mad at.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
'Having Issues' With 'Issue'
Posted: 9/9/2017 6:28:13 AM
I think the best way to fight back against the obscuring of meaning that results from the common misuse of existing words, isn't to try to fight the vast tidal wave of abuse, it's to calmly call for clarification in each moment of such misuse.

Lots of people, including the ones who are joining in to the misuse, are frustrated at the trouble they are having being understood. Lots of them don't realize that the problems they are having are due more to the way they are expressing themselves, that to the actual ideas that they are trying to voice. By carefully and patiently asking for clarification, you can help them find more accurate words and phrases to use.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Are you willing....?
Posted: 9/9/2017 5:46:18 AM

1.Are your standards/preferences reasonable and realistic enough enable the best chance of finding a mate?


1. Mine? yes, absolutely. However, that's a terribly sloppy way to ask. There is only one correct question to ask in this area. And that is, "do you know what your standards and limits of love and care actually are?" If you go after someone to whom you are NOT attracted, and whose life you do NOT enjoy sharing, simply because you "think you can get them," you are being extremely rude and thoughtless towards someone who you are pretending to love. And you are doing it for purely egotistical reasons: to be able to say you have a mate, not to actually be with them.



-Are you willing to risk being single for the rest of your ENTIRE life over your standards/preferences?


Yes, absolutely. Something I learned the extremely painful and difficult way, a very long time ago, is that doing otherwise, GUARANTEES unhappiness and pain. Vastly more pain and unhappiness than being alone and in a state of hunger for love, ever brings.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Dating sure has changed , shallow women
Posted: 9/9/2017 5:25:36 AM
Many people think that the word "shallow" means "relatively not deep," as in a body of water or area within a body of water, that one can step in without their socks and trouser legs getting soaked.

However, after years of observation, I've realized that the actual definition of the word "shallow" is, "someone who doesn't want me for real reasons I can't do anything about, who I therefore want to insult, to make my ego feel better."
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
What is the logic behind why going for what you want, going after what you want, is masculine?
Posted: 9/9/2017 5:03:55 AM
Hmm. Well, what I've always heard and seen, is that "going after what you want," or "being willing to do what is necessary to get what you want" isn't masculine or feminine, it's just being a responsible adult of any kind.

The only reason I can come up with why someone would conclude that it was ONLY masculine, is because lots of people speak about pretty much everything in old-fashioned, archaic ways, and the gender article traditionally used by old-fashioned people, is "he," or "him." In lots of old writings, including our own Constitution and Declaration of Independence, that tradition is seen wherein only all MEN are created equal, for example. Women aren't mentioned in either base document. That doesn't mean that women are ignored directly, but it does reveal some old traditional thought patterns, impeding the minds of some older people.

If you add in the rather crude, thoughtless and despicable way that certain groups, even today, like to insult others by saying they "act like girls," and it's not hard to understand why someone might put that all together and think it's also only considered masculine to "be a go getter." There is still a lot of misogyny built in to American insult behaviors, and with the thoughtless backlash against "political correctness," it's getting worse, rather than better. (Note, that is not me supporting P.C, that's me opposing the CARELESS Anti-PC movement, which is as bad or worse than the unthinking PC movement was).
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
A fatal flaw in the Theory of Evolution
Posted: 9/7/2017 2:02:08 AM
Andyaa is coorect, but I want to add a bit as well.


Here is the fatal flaw in evolution theory: the natural product of abiogenesis could only have been a single-celled organism that reproduced asexually, which means it would have had to clone itself. But from where did the germs or bacteria come? The only logical answer to that question is also the simplest: abiogenesis must have happened at least twice.

Which is mathematically impossible.


This isn't just "god of the gaps," it's nonsense masquerading as confidence. There is zero proof that "the natural product of abiogenesis could only have been a single-celled organism." Zero. In fact, it is an assumption based entirely on the belief that all life is due only to something magic, which is beyond the physical. And there is no proof of that. There can't be, because magic is by definition unprovable.

If anything, that is the fatal flaw in your "fatal flaw" argument.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Hapless Vs Helpless
Posted: 9/3/2017 7:38:50 PM
I have a large and ever growing vocabulary, due to my love of words, and how they can be used. I've found them almost sculptural, ever since first becoming excited by the word "cerulean" in a poem.

Noting the distinction between hapless and helpless is fun from the fact that hapless is relatively archaic, but it's further potentially illustrative of certain social shifts. Hapless refers to luck or fortune, while helpless refers more to a persons' relative either incompetence, or weakness. With the modern popularity for blaming everyone for everything, it's no surprise that the idea of fate having a say has waned.
One can't sue Fate, after all.

It's one of the reasons I have a lot of impatience for certain aspects of modern romantic talk, as well. I find males and females alike, who proclaim that they are "helpless" against the drive of their own passions, extremely annoying.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Love, Anger, or Pride
Posted: 9/2/2017 11:02:29 AM
When someone's life is that complex, it's very common to (at least eventually) discover that everything they are doing, especially the wilder and more dangerous or unwise things, are all their attempt to SOLVE THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.

All of what you describe this woman doing, as well as everything you are doing yourself, fall into this category. Her decision to restrict her sexuality to being with people who she doesn't care about, your earnest wish to be her rescuer, are both classic coping "solutions" to real concerns and fears; and they are also classic in that they are not real solutions at all. In fact, most of what both of you are doing, are actually causing each of you even more problems, or are allowing each of you to RETAIN the problems you have, which you don't even realize, have become badges of validation for you.

In the end, you simply are not the person who CAN help her, because you are a character playing a part within her problematic life, just as she is essentially the same thing for you. You each proved that conclusively, when you each cheated on the other, and accepted the cheating, because it fit your PLOT LINES, rather than because you actually didn't care about it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 39 (view)
 
ADS SHOWING WEAK MEN!
Posted: 8/29/2017 8:05:09 PM
Something else that people who pitch a fuss about commercials or sitcoms that make fun of the father figure, is that in almost every case, HE IS STILL THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE FAMILY OR CORPORATE UNIT PORTRAYED.

Notice that the guy who is supposedly being henpecked and ignored by his wife and female children is still the OWNER AND DRIVER OF THE CAR.

This is why the more thoughtful feminists of the world ALSO hate these kinds of commercials. Because the additional message is, that this complete dorky idiot, is the one guy who this gorgeous powerful woman decides to put in charge of her life.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Walking away from ex BF and feeling miserable.
Posted: 8/29/2017 7:51:42 PM

OP...I wouldn't be dating if I were still having unresolved feelings.


Actually, everyone dates again with "unresolved feelings." We have to, by definition. If we manage to resolve all of our feelings, we would have no reason to try again.

What I've come to recognize, from being sometimes the cause, and more often the one who suffers, because someone else had a lesson to learn, or an understanding to achieve, is that this is in the nature of being human beings.

You CAN'T heal emotionally and conceptually by remaining in isolation. By all means, recognize that you are NOT completely whole and free of all troubles, and DO wait long enough to be sure that you aren't trying to use the next person as a taunt to dangle in front of the one you just lost, but come on. If everyone waited until they were wise and healthy and free of all emotional difficulties before they dated, the human race would come to an abrupt end.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Guys against other guys with children?
Posted: 8/29/2017 4:10:15 AM
In general, it is unwise and presumptuous to declare that someone else, especially a relative stranger, is "hung up" about something, just because you want them to choose a different direction than they have for your sake.

If anything, the fact that someone DOES think that whatever reason I don't actively choose them, is because I'm "hung up" about some aspect of their life or appearance, tells me that THEY still haven't completely integrated and found peace with THEIR OWN totality.

I don't have a "hang up" about broccoli. I just don't like the taste of it, or the fact that it gives me gas. If I had a "hang up" about it, as in "an unhealthy and illogical negative fixation based on unexamined personal superstitions or fears," then I would be roaming the world with a placard, extolling others to join me in eradicating broccoli.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Isn't This The Only Universe?
Posted: 8/26/2017 7:34:48 AM
There is more than one group of people who postulate multiverses. There are the "just for fun" groups, who really don't care, but find entertainment in fantasizing about it, and there are the hard scientists who have found that the mathematical problems of physics as we understand them so far, are solved better with a multiverse than with a single universe. And there are the ones who find that purely philosophical or romantic problems are resolved better for them by belief in a multiverse.

Applying emotional decision making rules, such as making a judgment as to how much "arrogance" is needed to put such ideas forward, requires one to first establish that a standard of relative arrogance exists (which cannot be done, without having the arrogance required to declare that a god exists, which some understand better than others). After all, is it more "arrogant" to say we are certain that only ONE universe exists, or is it more "arrogant" to say that there may be many? Either way, we are declaring that we KNOW something that is UNKNOWABLE.

But I guess the main point I want to make to the OP, is that "this universe is already big enough for all of us" is a purely philosophical concern, entirely unrelated to what the scientists and mathematicians are concerned about. Basically, it could be said that they do agree that a single universe is plenty big enough for us, but it's not big enough for everything that our discoveries and investigations to date, point to existing.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How to Help Guy Who Hide Stress?
Posted: 8/26/2017 7:07:18 AM
I think you might be missing a couple of very important concepts, Nezz. The biggest one is, that many of us who take on challenges as your friend does, actually derive our sense of place in the world from fighting those battles. Telling us to sit down and take a break, can be like telling us that we've been wasting our lives on nothing. It's like telling a prime athlete that they don't have to win races or jump the highest or whatever their specialty is. The challenge battlers and helpers of the world, actually get more stressed if they try to stop. He might be one of those.

On the recommendation end of things, I'd suggest only the one thing that has always been gold for me: faith. Not my own faith, but faith IN me, from others. You being supportive of him AS A PERSON will help him more than any suggestion about diet or activities. In fact sometimes, when a friend gives me such suggestions, it can feel as though their goal is to do like a careless doctor does, and write me a prescription that allows THEM to stop paying attention to me. Instead, do as you say you mostly have been doing, and show without saying it straight up, that you have confidence in his value as a human being. That's done by the continuity you've described, and that others have said, in being available responsive and friendly to him.

Lots of us hide stress. Hiding stress is a necessary part of our lives, perhaps more for males than females due to long standing cultural standards, but females are required to hide their stress as well, in different ways than males are. The trouble comes not from HIDING it, but from DENYING THAT IT EXISTS.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 24 (view)
 
women's sexuality has come along way.
Posted: 8/26/2017 6:25:07 AM
This is an example of an all too common complete misuse of the study of history, and mixing it incorrectly with an overly simple idea of how science works, with the result that hoards of people end up running off cliffs like proverbial lemmings, thinking they KNOW something that was actually just a mirage.

The short way of saying that, is that a lot of people have gotten into the habit, perhaps from reading the news and seeing reporters do it over and over, that if they find ONE (alleged) point in time, where one set of things were said to be happening, and then locate a more recent point in time where something ELSE seems to be going in, that they can use those two points in time to draw a line through and predict the future.

Hence we get the "women used to be like THIS, but now they seem to be like THAT, so that means I can never find a girl like THOSE anymore, and they all did it on purpose" stories.

In reality, social evolution is one of the trickiest subject areas to get a valid picture of, and is more often infested with myths, than with actual change.

One of the lessons I learned that I suggest applies to this in important ways, is how many people who APPEAR to change tremendously over the course of their lives, actually never change at all at their core. Someone who is a self-righteous religious fanatic, for extreme example, who one day declares that all gods are nonsense, and goes on a tear attacking all religions, actually is the exact same person they always were: someone who luxuriates indulgently in telling everyone else how to run their lives.

A person who thinks they are showing strength of character and value to society by holding themselves back from sexual adventures, who then later decides that REAL strength is displayed when they screw everything that moves, as a way of proving how free they are, hasn't changed a single bit either. The entire time, they are just adhering to or chasing after whatever they THINK that the society around them rewards the most.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Messaging and scamming
Posted: 8/26/2017 6:03:03 AM
The weirdest scam goal that I've run across, and still don't understand, is where someone leads you on and on, and their only real desire, is to get a direct email address...to sell to someone else, apparently. I get it when all they invest is one or two messages, but the last time I ran across it, we messaged back and forth for a period of weeks before "she" asked for it. Vanished forever the moment I sent one. (I had created a new separate email account just for her, in case that's what was going on, so I didn't love anything).

Most of the time, I find that my long developed process, of sticking always to what I know my life is about, is enough to avoid the worst scams. Don't agree to any large changes in myself or my life, and certainly never send or promise money.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Walking away from ex BF and feeling miserable.
Posted: 8/26/2017 5:40:52 AM

I am the dumper. I do hate this term. It sounds so cruel and disrespectful. Yet, I ended things. I agree, 6 months relationship was not long at all. I usually do not keep in contact with exes. My last ex was 5 years ago, and I barely talked to him unless there was some real needs, which over the years, I needed to talk to him twice. I have an ex over 20 years ago who wanted to reconcile last year, but I had no romantic feelings left for him, so I declined. This one, I am unsure what is it about him but I just have that 6th sense we have unfinished business.
He told me that this breakup is not final, that it is a prime example of ..if you love someone, set it free, if it comes back,,,s on and so on and so on. He also said that he does not want to see the butterfly dying in a jar, so he is setting it free now. He said when ever I want to come back, his door is open waiting for me .
That is what confuses me. I am going out on dates and not sitting around or anything like that but I am still broken hearted. I am capable of moving on, but just don't want to say the wrong thing to hurt him any further.


This reads to me, as though it is made up of unmatched partial beliefs, strung together as pearls on a chain. Beliefs and ideals you chanced upon over the years, and saved, as though you recognized them as hints as to what your life and goals were, but never actually managed to string them together and shape them into a cohesive pattern. Old sayings about setting something free to see what it does, without the needed understanding of either freedom, or more importantly, of captivity and why someone would desire it.

The bit about the previous lover from twenty years ago, likewise seems to be missing elements, and to be made up of isolated concerns alone. He wanted to reconcile, but you had no romantic feelings and declined for THAT reason, reads to me again, as though you have a rule here and there that you believe in (that you should have romantic feelings for anyone you decide to do...whatever with), but they aren't connected to any other rules you've come across, because had you organized such ideas, you wouldn't have had to MAKE a decision against the fellow based on "romantic feelings."

With this current person, you haven't said directly why you decided to break from him, suggesting (to me) again, that you are following some bit of wisdom you heard somewhere that seems to make sense to you, but which you haven't reasoned through thoroughly and integrated into your specific life. Much like when children learn that they "should" do various things, but have no idea why, save for the vague faith that PARENTS KNOW THE TRUTH OF LIFE AND THEY SAID SO.

Bottom line, in what is presented here, I'm not seeing EITHER a reason to remain in touch, OR a reason to leave the guy. It sounds more as though you are adrift in romanticized melancholy, and fantasizing that the wind itself knows where you ought to be. And I have long been convinced that the winds of life and mind really are just like winds of the world, in that they blow because they interact with each other, and not because any willful, wise spirit pushes them.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Without Let Or Hindrance
Posted: 8/24/2017 2:05:49 PM
This all depends on the exact circumstance. The exact application. Your goal in trying to parse it out.

If this is a matter of interpreting law, for example, then refusing to refer to appropriate authorities is self-defeating. If you insist on formulating a meaning entirely from your own interpretation, that's fine for poetic or other personal writings you intend for the future, but if you're trying to do something such as litigate a contract, then by the rule of law itself, you have to go back to the agreed upon meanings for each word and phrase at the time they were written.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
ADS SHOWING WEAK MEN!
Posted: 8/23/2017 4:37:26 AM
Ah, me, this old song and dance again.

The thing to realize about advertising, is that it doesn't GUIDE the world, it REFLECTS it. If an ad serves only to make customers angry at the company paying for the advertising to be broadcast, the ad will be short lived.

By the way, for those out there who like to play small social games, I have a new one I encourage everyone who cares to to play:

Watch out for those advertisements which deliver an entirely unintended message along with the basic nonsense/humor most of them (especially the emasculating ones) do. I notice things such as the ads for Frosted Mini-Wheats (I think it is), wherein they show a child in school doing better on a test because they ate this cereal for breakfast. The accidental message is, that the cereal causes the child to hallucinate the existence of a chatty infestation of cereal creatures, which actually cheat the test answers to them, right in front of the teachers. Or the car ads, where some guy is distraught because he can't figure out which thirty thousand dollar vehicle to buy for his SIXTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER to exclusively use. Unintended message there: "Our company only makes cars for the ultra-rich, who must have inherited their wealth, because they have no idea how to make decisions on their own."

Anyway the long-standing reason for ALL the ads that make the "star" of the ad look foolish, is the fundamental notion of SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR, which is one of the most popular kinds. Imagine how much MORE obnoxious the world would be, if all the advertisers switched to telling us that we are incredibly stupid and selfish jerks,, unless we buy their products. We actually do have to suffer occasional ads saying exactly that. I remember one in particular a VERY long time ago now, in the early 1980's, during the birth of the personal computer market. Some company started selling a home PC called an "Adam," which their ads sold by portraying any parent who failed to buy one for their child, as an utter failure, if not an abuser. That company went out of business entirely within a year, and hence you probably never even heard of The Adam Computer System.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Shipping-In Some Real Science
Posted: 8/23/2017 4:17:28 AM
A couple of basic points:

1. It isn't intelligent or rational or logical to make changes to a system in response to a challenge, before you have discovered what the challenge actually IS. It is not yet known how the two US warships which were damaged at sea, managed to get themselves struck. The investigation is underway. But since this has not happened at all for a very long time before now, deciding to rebuild the entire navy and turn every ship into an icebreaker isn't likely to be cost effective.

2. The shape of a long thin vessel is such for one reason, and the shape of a flat barge (what the OP suggests) is such for another reason. Short reason: because a barge the size of a container ship, while perhaps able to TURN more easily, would move as slowly through the water as all barges do, and the cost of shipping anything at all in them would become, shall we say, undesirable.

3. In order to be of any use whatsoever, a ship must put to port. If you decide to change the physicality of the entire fleet to address one problem, you will, of necessity, have to also change the form of all of the existing ports of the world, in order to receive them. Just imagine how expensive that would be, even for ONE nation. Now imagine that you would also have to simultaneously convince every other nation on Earth to make the same expenditure, just to serve YOUR nations' fleet, and ask yourself how likely it is that ANY of them would cooperate, even if you managed to find a new shape for vessels that accomplished the kind of maneuverability you imagine.

4. Finally, there is the basic problem of physics. The reason why it is so difficult to change the course of a seagoing vessel is not so much it's SHAPE, as it is it's MOMENTUM. Affecting a useful change in momentum, would entail reducing the weight of the ship tremendously. And that would mean reducing the amount of cargo or other things (armaments, in the case of military vessels) it could carry. Yes, a navy made up entirely of relatively small speedboat/barges could allow that to happen, but again, the cost of shipping would skyrocket.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Where did I go wrong? [Conversation Log]
Posted: 8/22/2017 4:09:59 AM
I'm not going to read your details either, because they only matter to you. And the only questions to ask about any of them, is whether each word spoken was about reality, and whether each conversation had a conscious goal or not.

Relationships are built on reality. If all you do is practice to chat cleverly, you can get people to talk to you for a while, and may even get a reputation for charm. But if you have no goal in what you are doing, and or if you aren't talking about real and meaningful things, then nothing will come of it.

And if you ARE talking about real and meaningful things, and nothing comes of it, that will be because the other person isn't interested in pursuing your goals and interests. Those "failed" conversations are actually successes, in that you used conversation to decide not to continue to spend time on each other, but to move on in your searches to find an actual mate.

Bottom line, only you know when you have been aimlessly chatting, and when you have been trying to communicate and do something with the person. Exactly HOW you say something might require some practice and effort, but again, since only you know what you were TRYING to say, only you can correct or improve your choice of how to say it.

Finally, recognize that you are dealing with equals at all times. The other person also has hungers and goals, and no matter how well the talk is flowing between you, if they are not accomplishing whatever they happen to want, they will eventually break things off.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
The 'Killer' Alone Is A Pain
Posted: 8/21/2017 4:14:34 AM

The terminally sick or those with really debilitating pain ought to have easy access to as much heroin &c as they'd like. But the many that'll use weaker narcotic alkaloids as though a fashion item ought to be reminded that a country cannot function competitively if much of its population is to be self-indulgent. For instance, when I was last living in the U S A, I was disappointed to come across some middle-aged women displaying their access to poor girl's versions of morphine etc as though a badge of honour. And, in my opinion, the pharmaceutical companies are oftener a force for good than ill


I agree with all of that, exactly as you say, including that the Pharmaceuticals are generally a force for good. They are certainly not 'the devil.' However, if we look dispassionately for reasons why large numbers of people DO take actions such as you describe (take excess drugs of various kinds), we can see the Law of Unintended Consequences intensely at work.

The INTENT of the drug companies, is to help people, while making a profit. However, the thrust of their advertising, which I have seen since I was very very young, is a very simple message: to get ahead in the world, to have a good time, don't be foolish and suffer or work carefully to cultivate good health. Buy pills and take shots to find nirvana." Similarly, the INTENT of efforts of societies and states to instill their citizens with a sense of patriotism is usually positive ( to see to their and the states' best interests), but in the event, most such efforts involve encouraging people to believe state sponsored lies, and to follow existing leaders blindly. It takes a VERY great deal of careful work, to teach everyone to carefully sift through reality for functional meanings, AND to still take an affirmative hand in helping the entirety of the society around them.

Even your own statement here, " that a country cannot function competitively if much of its population is to be self-indulgent," is well intended, however that ind of message has a negative UNINTENDED consequence as well. That people ARE supposed to serve the State, regardless of themselves enjoying their lives. That has been a part of our capitalist cross-purposes propaganda for my whole life as well, but our society has ALSO contradicted that (particularly in the US) by heaping DERISION on anyone who fails to gain financial success or social status success, at the EXPENSE of everyone else around them. That is the message that the wealthy class pounds home non-stop, with the robber-baron style members being the most definitive about it.

In the last fifty years especially, the thrust of "American Dream" propaganda has told everyone that your fellow citizens are not only not obliged to help you in any way, but have as their duty, to take whatever they can from you and from each other, in order to prove themselves, and thereby strengthen the state, by compiling entirely self-centered wealth. The promoters of that message did not INTEND to encourage proud casual drug use and rapacious living, they only hoped to deflect calls for them to share more of their own wealth than they wanted to do. But again, the law of unintended consequences is, that what you INTEND has very little to do with what happens. It is what you actually DO, that everyone takes as your true message.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
The 'Killer' Alone Is A Pain
Posted: 8/20/2017 5:50:44 AM
The sheer number of classic 1970 era prejudices you've brought and applied to this, is amazing. I haven't seen anyone casually blame "women on welfare," dope smokers, and gay people for everything in a very long time. You seem to have missed the 1980's and onward entirely, where it was firmly shown that most of the pain-killer and entertainment drugs are consumed by the upper classes.

Anyway, no it also isn't due primarily to it being a "fad" to do this. Not in such a crude way as "fads" are usually driven, at least. Most excessive or unnecessary drug use, is driven directly by the basic sloppy approach to capitalism-based profiteering that is at the heart of the US economy, and of its culture. Since the advent of advertising, Americans have been bombarded with admonitions to IMPROVE themselves by any means possible, in particular by any means which require us to buy new products. And one of the big advertisers from the beginning, has been drug manufacturers.

People have been told from birth on, to as rapidly as possible solve their aches and pains, so that they can get back to productive, profitable work again, and/or be more successful at finding sexual mates. The amount of medical advertising going on now, is greater than it has ever been before, with new "diseases" being "discovered" every day, so that new drugs can be sold to combat them.

It's always been true that Americans (and no doubt other nationalities as well) will take an idea that seems logical or at least encouraged, and try to find their own way to pursue it, again in order to "get ahead in the world." That leads directly to lots of people, especially those who are better off financially, to try avenues of drug use which are outside of the mainstream. Hence the rise of the use of drugs as entertainment as well.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
How should I handle this
Posted: 8/18/2017 4:03:47 PM
"Why the hell would any man try to do something like this? "
What he did, if I understand you, is date you, have casual sex with you, break up with you, and then chat online with your aunt. That sounds reasonable.

"Why would she do something like this?! "
What did she do, exactly? You said that you spied on her, by gathering FAR more information about them than is possible to do by "looking over to see who's phone was ringing." According to your "investigation," she chatted with him on facebook.

If you'd had a lengthy and openly significant relationship with him, which you say you did not, I could understand being outraged with a friend or relative who actively pursued a romantic tryst with so recent an ex. However, that's not the story you told here.

Overall, my suggestion is that you take this as a big wake-up call to you, to get your OWN morality in better order. You conducted your relationships with BOTH people in an unguided, unplanned, moment to moment casual way, and then when they interacted as they did, you discovered that what you really want, is a set of very firm rules to guide your life, and those around you.

I personally support the "life with decisive boundaries" approach to existence myself, so I encourage that course; but if you do want to go that way, you MUST do the work that's involved first. That means sorting out your principles, organizing them so that they all interlock rationally, and the conduct your own behavior in accordance with them.

If you don't do that, you really don't have any standing to complain that others around you failed to live up to your ENTIRELY UNVOICED standards.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
A question for American Girls
Posted: 8/18/2017 4:27:43 AM
Historian view here. The "British Accent Means Better Person" concept is very old in the US now, but still muddles around in the backs of peoples' heads. It most likely derives from the Mother country treating the colonists like wayward children for hundreds of years, and the "children" subconsciously adopting the idea, a bit the way that the infamous Stockholm Syndrome leads to tortured people fighting FOR their captors and abusers.
As with all such psychological illusions, it is a double-edged weapon for those who would take advantage of it. If someone is prejudiced in your favor because of your accent, they will also have a lot of OTHER expectations about you which you will have to live up to in order not to enrage them at you with as much intensity as they show when they "swoon" for you.

In addition, we also have some other similar delusions rattling around over here. The Castilian Spanish accent (not the Mexican one) also has a subconscious following, probably for the same basic reason. You can see it most recently in direct use, in the Dos Equis commercial series, where the lead character is portrayed as a rich Castilian male, who is admired because he is a rich Castilian male, and therefore we should all drink the beer he claims to insist upon. It shows up as well in all the jokes and other movie subplots, where the married heroine gets mad at her husband, and finds True Satisfaction in the arms of a swarthy, Hispanic Lothario.

By the way, I'm sure you must realize it, but the EXACT British accent is important as well. We only accept SOME accents, such as the East London accent which the word filters here wont allow me to enter, if the person is telling JOKES. Because in adopting the "Brits As Rich Masters" subliminal idea, we also included all their own internal prejudices as well.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
On Sending An Email Back
Posted: 8/13/2017 4:02:50 AM
Well, you aren't going to get it. After all, you can't get letters back after you mail them. You can't snatch words back out of the air after you've said them.

The closest you can come to what you want, is something lie Snapchat, which auto-deletes after a short time.
 
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