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 Author Thread: Things that men Think!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
Things that men Think!
Posted: 5/26/2007 11:11:07 AM
Here's some things to think about....

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

George Carlin Imponderables:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Makes ya think eh?
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 1090 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 4/19/2007 1:17:43 PM
Here's some interesting facts:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A****oach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 76 (view)
The Funniest Joke In The World! Seriously!
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:41:24 AM
Here's one that got sent to me.... got to warn you, it's gonna make you go


If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This story is about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.

About Twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, And today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
Some twisted humor
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:39:43 AM
What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you don't know... I'd hate to see your shower curtain!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
Top 10 lists!
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:09:45 AM

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her T.V. show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen liquorice down spout and the half open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron glaze with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and an endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the #1 sign you are being stalked by Martha Stewart

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
Top 10 lists!
Posted: 10/18/2006 9:36:23 AM
The Top 10 Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

10) You are guarenteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes, and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives it to you.

6) It's Ok if the person you're with fantisizes that you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the #1 reason why Trick or treating is better than sex....

You can do the whole neighbourhood!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
Some twisted humor
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:32:54 AM
My Doctor's not too bright... Last time I was there he grabbed me by the knee and told me to cough.... then he hit my balls with a hammer! I asked my Doctor what the difference is between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer... He said "Taste"

But he's better than the doctor my one friend has... he believes in the "kiss it and make it better" theory... Whne my friend got a hernia... he went to the walk-in clinic!

And man, what a job the proctologist has.... you start at the bottom and you stay there!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
One Liners>>>1.What did the Penis say to the condom?
Posted: 9/28/2006 12:27:34 PM
Why was the blonde's belly button sore all the time??? Her boyfriend was a blonde too
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
~ Brantford Pond Party @ Jackhammers ~
Posted: 9/23/2006 8:25:52 AM
Sounds like it was an awesome party again... Really sorry I missed it! Had a last minute Moving job to do.... *D'Oh!* Oh well... I'll just have to party twice as much next time! Looking forward to seeing the pics!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
Top 10 lists (or top 5, or top 14 etc)
Posted: 9/21/2006 11:20:03 AM
Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Mess Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it
loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhoea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
"manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later
they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings
your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke- la", meaning "Bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-
le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the
company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so
the ad read:
"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
One Liners>>>1.What did the Penis say to the condom?
Posted: 8/17/2006 9:44:12 AM
here's some for ya....

What did the Deer say when she came out of the woods? I'll never do that for 2 Bucks again

Did you hear about the Flasher that was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out a couple more years!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Psychic? He can tell you what you're going to do yesterday!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
Favorite Shirts with Words
Posted: 8/17/2006 9:37:42 AM
I saw a couple the other day that was funny... The first one said:

"I miss my Ex... but my aim is improving"

Second one said:

"Don't sweat the petty stuff... and don't pet the sweaty stuff"

I bought the one that said:

Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
Best ever lines from sitcoms....?
Posted: 7/24/2006 9:38:49 AM
*LOL* That Leave It To Beaver one was funny.... I don't care who you are.... that's funny!

Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
Best ever lines from sitcoms....?
Posted: 7/20/2006 1:29:25 PM
The One that always gets me laughiung is from one episode of the Simpsons.... Homer is sitting on the couch eating these pills he got from the new neighbour.... Marge comes in seeing Homer taking the pills and says "Homer, Don't take those pills!" And Homer just looks at her and says... "But Marge... you can never have enough.... Estrogen"
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 160 (view)
Funny T-Shirts
Posted: 6/27/2006 9:01:09 AM
I haven't seen this one yet... but I think it would be cute for a baby t-shirt...

"Show me your tits... I'm hungry!"
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/27/2006 8:53:24 AM
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out one more year!

Did you hear about the Dyslexic Psychic?
He can tell you what you're going to do yesterday!

What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?
"I'll never do that for 2 bucks again!"
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
~ Dating Bloopers ~
Posted: 6/15/2006 1:58:11 PM
Well... A friend of mine and his girlfriend tried to set me up with one of his girlfriend's friends... I guess they neglected to tell her this because she brought a date with her! Apparently she had just gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend that morning... So he came along to party. The night wasn't a total loss though.... I did get my backside pinched! I just keep telling myself that it was the cute blonde and not the creepy looking old guy that was standing beside her!!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 88 (view)
Brantford Party Pics-June 2nd
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:25:04 AM
No problem there HK! Glad to be of assistance! And thank you for the dances too!

I don't know... you'd have to be pretttttttty sneaky to catch me on camera! You'd probably be able to photograph Dracula before you can get me! *Hehehehe*
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 87 (view)
Brantford Party Pics-June 2nd
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:15:21 AM
I'm just glad to hear you did make it home in one piece Bellefille!
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 74 (view)
Brantford Party Pics-June 2nd
Posted: 6/6/2006 8:34:01 AM
Great Party! I'm still recovering! *LOL* I see that my Ninja training still works, I managed to avoid the cameras all night too... Ahhh well... Still met some awesome people... even though i think a few thought I was an employee or something, I got asked a few times where the Bathrooms were... You should mark the ladies rooms a little better HK!
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