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 Author Thread: Too much attention to his grandkids?
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 6/1/2017 6:30:31 AM
Some of you aren't current with what trends are.

http://www.bankrate.com/retirement/marriage-vs-living-together-after-60/
"For couples over the age of 60, cohabitation is becoming increasingly common, even when the partners would prefer to get hitched — a decision that’s often financially driven."
“For a number of people in this age group, it’s a financial issue,” she said. “A woman could lose her pension if she remarries. It is just too costly."
"Remarriage in retirement could be a health hazard for the poorer partner. While a spouse’s assets will be considered in determining Medicaid eligibility, Harris says, a significant other’s will not."

Reasons Senior Couples Say No to Marriage https://www.thespruce.com/cohabiting-seniors-not-married-2300508
"How marriage affects estate plans is a common concern among older couples, who are likely to bring property and other valuables into the relationship and want them to go to children from previous marriages, says Victoria Fillet, a certified financial planner in Hoboken, N.J. Once you get married, she says, “it becomes very difficult to separate your assets.”"

There are many issues to consider regarding seniors getting married.


Penny, I just have to quote what you said on another thread. So that others can know the type of woman you are.
"The man I date now is 44. I met him here June 2008. We just wanted a FWB relationship. It's a good one though almost 9 years later. "

Almost 9 years and you are not married. You just date. For sex.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Older woman younger man
Posted: 5/31/2017 8:55:44 PM


The man I date now is 44. I met him here June 2008. We just wanted a FWB relationship. It's a good one though almost 9 years later.


Well, now I know. Your idea of having a man is to have sex. 8 years now.

Where do you spend your time where younger 'men approach you all the time'? I wonder if it is the street curb. Naw.. don't even bother to answer.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/31/2017 5:47:17 PM


"And I have years of financial knowledge he doesn't have, I am trying to help him change his freeloading spending habits and plan for his retirement."
-- Once AGAIN you admit to trying to CONTROL HIS ACTIVITIES and HIS LIFE.

Lets see if I can help you understand.

When a man spends more than he makes and saves, it is spending foolishly. And one eventually ends up with excessive credit card debt and/or loans.

When anyone doesn't participate in retirement savings throughout their career, they end up at the retirement age of 65 with very little to live on. Unless they've invested in quite a bit of assets when they had money, like real estate or the stock market.

I own a 2nd home. He doesn't. He owns no stock.
When a man makes decisions in their life (before me), which results in a loss of savings, it is not my fault. My original profile did not say "hey, I've got a reasonably solid income, come live with me and I'll support you until you're 95."

I'm controlling my life . I've earned the right to decide my future.



POF is full of guys, in my age group, who have struggled. The recession hurt many, I have chatted with quite a few who lost a lot.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/31/2017 5:19:21 PM
^^^^
We both shared the weekend costs.
Regarding his daughter... I believe she and her husband were thinking grandfather was just getting way to involved. I can remember way back when my kids were young, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to try to parent my kids.

He doesn't think he's hard up today, he's working for about another year. But the reality is, when you quit working, soc sec won't pay all the bills and the mortgage and truck payments. If I had known a couple years ago what I know today, there would have been some discussions on money.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/31/2017 9:27:01 AM
Penny, I realize today, to some extent, I thought you were the prior poster, on the previous page. You weren't the one stating you had been in a long term relationship with a widower. But you didn't write a simple truth about me in post #54. You're younger than me, you haven't a clue yet what you're going to face at 65-66. You make it sound like I'm after his money. Guess what, he's after a share of mine. He has no 401K. I have a sound retirement. There are things he's kept hidden... but no more. On my money, I write the rules. And I have years of financial knowledge he doesn't have, I am trying to help him change his freeloading spending habits and plan for his retirement.

Some of you think I'm trying to control BF. Not so. But I do reserve the right to choose what I do, so that he's not controlling me.

And, it seems to be working it's way out. His daughter, the granddaughter's mother, has been telling him "you don't have to come see her so often". Strong hint. I believe they want some autonomy in raising their child. It's about time. I never said a word to her family, but I did overhear the comment when he was on the phone with her, and he's backing away on some visits. He also is beginning to see that he needs to conserve gas expenses. It's the way it should be. Fate kind of stepped in.
 janetpy
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 424 (view)
 
Is 61 the cut-off age for having any luck on POF?
Posted: 5/30/2017 6:06:39 PM
"It's called a plastic surgeon."


Oh please. Some men and women naturally look younger than their peers for reason other than surgery.


You're correct, it isn't always surgery. Yet facial plastic surgeries have been increasing.
https://www.aafprs.org/media/press_release/050404.html

And yes, some do look younger than peers their age. Naturally.
 janetpy
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/30/2017 5:48:16 PM
^^^
Penny… Your problem? You can read. You add your own sick rant to distort things.

I never said I drove 40 miles. I said 75 miles, that’s 2 directions. That’s 3 hours. And do I need to tell you the return is in the dark on windy roads? I’ve an eyesight problem of driving in the dark… that’s something I didn’t tell you all that is also a good reason for me to not drive weekly to see his grandkids. BF understands this and doesn’t want me putting myself at risk. And neither do I.

Penny… you still haven’t said what happened in your relationship with a widower. Your past one.

I think you’re talking about yourself. You’re bitter.

I’ve a man who loves me. All I did was come here to ask a simple question “Anyone with ideas on how they handle something similar?” Not for people to suggest that I dump him.

Penny, In my post #50, I do tell you how long I’ve been with him.

After reading posts for a couple of weeks, I’ve concluded I’m taking the most reasonable approach… “I will continue to ‘bow out gracefully’ on some events, go with him on others.”
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 420 (view)
 
Is 61 the cut-off age for having any luck on POF?
Posted: 5/30/2017 12:30:25 PM


Interesting, some women just don’t seem to age the way others do.


I'll give you a hint.

It's called a plastic surgeon.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/30/2017 12:25:02 PM
^^^
I notice you didn't comment on the end of your 'long term relationship with a widower with grandkids. It's because you couldn't think of an answer that would make sense. You dumped him, or he dumped you. Maybe it's because you smoke. Right there you've limited yourself to the number of guys who will be interested in you. At least your honest, we all thank you for that.

You've a bit to learn. I'm not out to fight you, but I will give reasonable answers as to why you're a bit in left field. Not everyone's family had a party all weekend. BF's son was at a 3 day soccer tournament 6 hours away. His daughter had to work 2 days. So, BF suggested we have a romantic trip to the coast, and we traveled along to coast stopping at art studies and gift shops and a couple of very nice restaurants, and a romantic hotel looking over the ocean. We call it, making memories. And do you realize grandkids have 2 sets of grandparents? I happen to know, the other grandparents rarely go to his grandkids events. In 4 years, I've only seen them once at their grandkids extracurricular or school events, and I've been at many.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/30/2017 9:59:47 AM

I had a long term relationship with a widower who had grandkids. I went to their football games and froze my butt off to show support for the family. I went to their parties. I babysat often. I bought them presents. I made their favorite food. They were adorable, lovable kids. One time Max (age 6) was watching tv while I was in the kitchen cooking and Max says, "Silverwings?" I replied, "Yes Max?" "I love you, Silverwings!", he says. Just out of the blue.


You are not in this long term relationship any longer. Why didn’t you tell us what happened. Did you dump him? And are you still in contact with these grandkids? Do you still go to all of his family events?

You don’t think I give presents to my BF’s grandkids? I’m at all of their family birthdays and holidays if we’re not at my family. You act like I’m dividing him and his family. I’m not. It really is just a matter, as seniors, of us deciding where we want to be. This past holiday weekend, he spent all of his time with me… because that was his choice.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/29/2017 1:20:40 PM


I wonder if the OP kicked him to the curb yet ?
No, see her comment above, it looks like she's waiting for him to retire without his 401k. He'll have less money to spend on the grand kids then, it seems. Less money, less time, seems to be the what she thinks is going to happen, eventually.
Maybe she didn't mean it that way, maybe she was just thinking out loud.
It sure would be crappy to think that him not having a retirement equal to hers, money wise, would mean using that for leverage, or, not much better, looking forward to him having less money than her, because that might mean he has to choose WHO he spends it on.
I'm not sure that means he'll spend it on her instead of the grands. Or, what money has to do with time?? But hey, as long as one gets ones way, the end justifies the means, at least to some people.

You kind of got it... but there's a lot you don't know.
Back when I was dating, there were a lot of older men hoping they'd find a lady with more money. But no one should have to take on a relationship and one person become a dependent to the other. Not when you're a senior. You're suppose to have a career until retirement, and have planned on some sort of a retirement nest during the 45 years you were working. If you know anything about social security, it is not enough to live on. Not unless you own your home previously, own your cars and other assets, and live in a low-cost area.
I was not thinking 'less money, less time'. He might have the time, but when he has significant 'less money', he's got some hard decisions to make, like selling his home, saving the proceeds for a retirement fund, and not spending like there's no tomorrow.
If you all haven't thought of things like this, they are the reality of reaching retirement.
 janetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/29/2017 12:56:18 PM
^^^
You’ve made a lot of assumptions.. you don’t really know much about me or my BF at all.

I suggest you read about Narcissistic parenting: When you compete through your child.” http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/24/health/health-narcissistic-parenting-children-impact/

And this https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/adolescent-issues/living-vicariously-children/

And I have a BF who, after raising 2 children, is now obsessed with almost interfering with his one granddaughter. BF did martial art tournaments when he was a young adult. His daughter has dropped many hints to her Dad that he doesn’t have to be there all the time. I’m not getting in the middle, I’m just exercising my right to not drive 75 miles once or twice weekly to join him with Taekwondo practice (40 miles for him, 75 miles one way for me).

You should read my posts, I do have a life. I have hobbies, friends I meet, and organizations I’m very active in. Again, read my posts. Don’t try to figure me out from my profile. I put little into it, I’m not dating, I only did something basic on the profile so that I could use the forums.

Again, stop making assumptions.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/26/2017 2:12:16 PM
^^^^^
You’re absolutely not on the same page. It has never occurred to me to ‘kick him to the curb’. It was your idea, not mine.

I just limit myself to not driving to meet him when he weekly drives to his grandkids. I’m not obligated to, I’m not obligated to spend excess gas money if I’m not doing equal things for myself. Some things I go to, some I don’t.

I hope to have more grandchildren myself. And I’ll want to see them equally.
He’s facing an issue of not having as high of an income as myself after retirement (he lost his 401K). It will have a balancing effect on his splurges.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/22/2017 5:25:00 PM
Get over it. You weren't giving 'common sense' when you said 'kick him to the curb'. Enough said.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/22/2017 5:01:32 PM
Butterchicken, you’ve never been married. Common law more than once? You don’t have children, and you think you understand those who do?

I don’t give much weight to advice that comes from someone without the experience. I don’t go to my hairdresser to help me with bacterial infections. I don’t go to my doctor to get legal advice.

It looks like you have some chip on your shoulder when it comes to relationships. You’re not in one now or you would have said so.

I’m not whining, I was looking for good ideas. I’d suggest that you not be contemptuous and mocking in handing out your comments. I give consideration to those who are positive or give constructive comments.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 2616 (view)
 
The blundering idiot
Posted: 5/22/2017 10:04:00 AM
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I see two things that will continue.
1. Trump is going to continue making blunders. Not even his close family is able to stop him.
2. He's infuriated the media so much, they will continue to go after him. Long term.

The question is, will Trump eventually get tired on being treated this way by the media? (rightfully so). Then, will he find a way (and excuse) to bow out?
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Men Over 70
Posted: 5/22/2017 9:57:29 AM
I've found lots of older men who will communicate for a while. People are lonely. They just want to reach out to connect with someone.

Yet most men still have one thing in mind. If they can still get it up, they don't want a long term chat companion only. To this day, I can't say exactly why men feel this way, except that it is genetics. I've had a lot of women friends, who have lost their long term mates, who say they are absolutely not interested in finding a new partner requiring intimacy. I've heard them say 'they want no further part of that'. So they have lots of women friends. And statistics say they may live longer.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 96 (view)
 
Older woman younger man
Posted: 5/22/2017 9:51:23 AM
When is a relationship something really connecting two people? In what way? Or, what really is a relationship?

There are sugar daddies and sugar mommies. And you don’t even have to put a name on this kind of relationship. Maybe most relationships are an aspect of either of these. One person is providing something to the other person in exchange for something else. Doesn’t this actually happen in most relationship? I’m being serious.

If you’re in a relationship now, could you honestly say you’re not giving something for something in return? Could be as simple as one person cooks all the meals for the other, and the other pays the bills. Barter. You just find out ‘what works’. You don’t want to lose what you get. So you just continue on.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/22/2017 9:40:47 AM
One of the things that is really prevalent on this whole forum, is people saying ‘kick him to the curbside’, or ‘move on’. I find this very distasteful, and wrong. Someone comes here with one issue, and people are only ready to ‘throw him out’. Gads, when your kids/family have problems, or your best friends have problems, you don’t go ‘throwing them out’!

Many times we all say ‘relationships’ take effort. Just because I talk about one issue, doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of very remarkable things in our relationship. There are. I simple asked for ideas on how others may have handled something similar on one thing!

I met BF 2 years before his grandkids started doing Taekwando. You don’t find out everything about whom you date in one week, or even one year.

I’m not just sitting around with nothing to do. I have several hobbies and I’m on Executive Boards of a couple of organizations.

I’ve read through many of your responses, I see only two people, forumslady and browneyes, who have said they have grandchildren. No one spoke of dating someone with grandkids.

I will continue to ‘bow out gracefully’ on some events, go with him on others.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 5/18/2017 5:30:47 PM
My BF spends a lot of time with his grandkids. He has 4, 2 families. One granddaughter does Taekwondo, and he drives 40 minutes out of his way once or twice a week to see her practice. He’s living his life over, he did martial arts when he was a young adult. He is always talking about her. I don’t live with my BF. He works, I’m retired.

I kind of think it is too much. She has parents. I don’t feel we have to ‘parent our grandkids’. I have only 1 grandchild toddler, so I understand loving your grandkids. But sometimes I feel his grandkids are more important to him than our lives together. As seniors, we have to consider what’s on our bucket list, even if it’s local things. I’ve gone with him to many of his grandkids events, all out of town an hour or more away, but I find myself bowing out gracefully on some events now … it’s just too much. I want to have our own life. Or just quiet time.

What do you all think is reasonable? Anyone with ideas on how they handle something similar?
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Disagreements in relationships
Posted: 2/20/2017 12:30:40 PM
JewelsnTools... TY, I did look this up, and there was some things for me to understand. One is "love bombing".

I appreciate those here who say it's perfectly ok to want periods of solitude, and that that's exactly what they do.

Jumping to say 'dump the guy', is somewhat hostile. I don't treat regular friends that way either. What I'm doing, is getting better at defending myself. I'm not on the offense... but if he puts me on the defense... I will defend. It'll be up to him to change a bit.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Disagreements in relationships
Posted: 2/18/2017 6:23:01 PM
'what happened'?"
Our relationship for a couple of years has been really good. Up until the election. We are opposites politically. I have said we just should not talk about politics. But I reserve my right to quietly go alone and participate in protests or meetings. I've gone to two in three months and I've always told him several days in advance that I was going to do something myself. His reaction the next day has been to come into my home and say "is this what our relationship is going to be from now on? are you going to keep going to these meetings?". Then he gives me a 30-minute lecture about how good Trump is and everyone should give him a chance. I find I can't respond to his comments and pretty soon I feel really awful and I end up crying. There were two other discussions where I got so depressed I just went to bed to sleep it all off. Last year we had started discussions about him selling his house and moving into my house. And he has been pressing more to say he wants to do it this year. But now I scared. I'm scared I won't have a place for solitude. I've told him we need to do a trial run first on living together. I came here to try to find ideas on how to deal with his political rants.
 JanetPY
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Disagreements in relationships
Posted: 2/17/2017 12:14:47 PM
Relationships have bumps along the road. Who hasn’t had an argument?

What do you all do when the disagreement makes you feel really bad? What if it borders on criticizing what you’ve said? Do you ever feel you need a quiet safe place to go for a day? Do you need solitude to avoid further discussions?

Is this a mild form of gaslighting?

Please share what works for you to resolve this.
 
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