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 Author Thread: past lovers becoming close friends.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
past lovers becoming close friends.
Posted: 6/17/2008 9:21:33 PM
No way, unless the break up was completely agreeable on both sides. If one wanted to keep the romantic relationship going, then that person is not going to settle for the second best of "just friends"
I am in such a situation, at the moment, but I AM NOT happy with the "just friends " thing, but due to my health and financial circumstances I cannot move out of HIS house. I get jealous of the time he spends even with his male friends, and as for female friends, that is a major cause of arguments between us, although, I know that he is no longer committed to our relationship.
If the person who wants to end the romantic relationship can put up with the tantrums of the one who did not want to end it, and is strong enough to ignore the other person when it comes to doing something separate, then I guess it can work, but, since, usually in a breakup, one person wants to keep the relationship going more than the other, then that is not going to lead to being good friends.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 723 (view)
 
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 4/24/2008 6:54:39 PM
[seems to be the people i'm interested in aren't, and the ones that i'm not aren't]

Yep, that was the way it was for me...I was never good enough for the guys who were good enough for me, the only guys who I was good enough for were not good enough for me. I spent 18 years waiting for the perfect guy to come along, dating a few who were not good enough for me, just to ease the social stigma of being an old maid, but, it was worth the wait. I finally found out what it is really like to fall in love, and it certainly wiped out the pain of being alone all those years. Well, not entirely, the last seven years I had a relationship with a beautiful little dog, who was able to fill a lot of the lonely void...I used to look forward to going home at night, because I knew she was waiting to greet me, but, she could not fill the emptiness of having no human around. Sadly, due to my ill health my perfect relationship has disappeared, but, it did come, albeit it took a long time, and I never really imagined that I would ever find MY man.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 720 (view)
 
Ever feel like your going to be alone forever?
Posted: 4/24/2008 6:36:47 PM
"Yes, Im afraid Ill die alone"

I am not so afraid of dying alone, but of the, likely, at least twenty years of surviving alone before I finally die. For the last 10 years, death is the only event that I have looked forward to happening.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 160 (view)
 
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 11/12/2007 4:13:51 AM
[My grandfather, at the age of 95, used to put his wheelchair sideways in the doorways of the retirement homes, pretend to be asleep, and when the nurses came to move him, he'd grab them and pull them down onto his wheelchair onto his lap. My hero ... ]

Didn't they get wise to him?
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 159 (view)
 
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:53:19 AM
I do tend to agree wih you Firmbear. For me there HAS to be something sexually attractive to draw me to a man, if I am not turned on then I cannot fall in love. Yes we can talk all night about his job, the movies we have both seen, the books we have read, but if I am not getting turned on by him, then I find it hard to remain interested in what he is saying. And, if he is not outwardly attractive, then I know that I am not going to be proud enough of him to let him into my life, unless he has a really incredibly attractive personality. Sex is pretty important to me, and I do not want someone touching me who makes me shudder.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 157 (view)
 
When does physical attraction stop being so important?
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:45:45 AM
This is something that I have often thought about...particularly since I have always found men who are 10 years older than myself far more attractive than those guys who are my own age (obviously caused by my very unhappy teenage years when guys my own age rejected me totally, but men the next generation up always flirted with me...mostly to get into my pants, but at that age, I did not care why), particularly since I am now hitting 50, therefore the men who I believe that I should be interested in will be in their sixties. I am, currently with a man who I met 13 years ago, when I was 37, and he was 47, and that was perfect, even though older than me, he was physically, intellectually and sexually my equal, and had a youthful outlook, now, with me 50, and a stroke victim, I am physically and sexually older than he is, he having retained his health and youthfulness. I still find him very attractive, though, as I said he IS still attractive, albeit there are some areas he is failing in, like close vision and hearing, but I suppose the question is, would I still find him attractive if I had just met him, instead of growing old with him. The answer is yes, but as I said, he has maintained his youthfulness, not all older men do, due to health problems, mostly, like I am no longer the same attractive woman that I should have been at this age, if I had not had the stroke.
When you grow old with someone, you still see them as they were when you fell in love, you forgive them the deficits, because you still see them through rose colored glasses. When you meet someone new, you cannot see them as they were when they were young, and strong, AND healthy, because you never saw them like that, so you only see the deficits.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Still friends ?
Posted: 11/12/2007 3:12:48 AM
Hi Ellen , I am sorry to read of this turn events in your life.
I am in a similar situation to you, except that I just moved to the other side of the city, not the other side of the world. Then, I had a stroke, so he has become my carer..and that is obviously all he wants to be. I am clinging on in the desperate hope that we can go back to being what we used to be, although common sense, and his ongoing negative attitude towards me makes it obvious that this is not going to happen, and if it does..it will be a case of him settling for second best, which I do not feel that he should have to do, since it was never something that I was happy to do...and why I waited 20 years to meet a man such as him.
There are some times when it seems like he is quite happy with me...like he unembarressedly made some comment about us getting married, and has said that he considers that we are quite compatible. Me, I know that we are no longer equals, and therefore we are not compatible, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone which is likely if I leave him. But ther are far more times when it is obvious that he is not happy with me...like spending as much time as possible with his friends, and a woman who we both know socially, and doing, for her, things he will not do for me, or if he does, I must pay him, or beg him, and then it only happens in his own good time.
We are no longer friends...I am too much of an embarrassment to him for that. I personally cannot see that our relationship will ever advance to anything more than just living together in the same house, and I think, now, that I should not have ever moved in with him, and he might have pushed more for us to get married, which could have helped to avert the stroke (I will not explain how).
I feel that he is only letting me hang around because he does not know how to tell me to move on, especially since his ex wife cheated on him, and he knows the pain of being rejected by your partner.
He would not have been guilty of emotional infidelity if I had not become disabled and unemployed, in other words no longer good enough for him, so no it is not in all men's nature to cheat, circumstances change, and, if the tables were turned, I would likely be acting the same way.
I bet you have had the advice to dump him..that there are plenty of men out there who will love you for yourself...Right? They do not seem to understand that that man was everything you ever wanted, and it just will not be possible to find someone else, well that is probably right in my case, since I am 50 next week, but it looks like you must be in your early twenties, so there is time for you to find someone else. I waited more than 20 years for my perfect man, they were lonely desperate years, but I always felt that they were worth it. But I did not have to leave the perfect man to begin with. Holding on may not give you the chance to grow and change, to develop into a different sort of person who will need to find a different sort of "perfect" man.
The sort of person that I am, now, and the age I am, now, would cling on, in your situation, the person I was, 30 years ago, would have left, and filled my life with distactions, like work, a dog, a temporary boyfriend, an attractive lover, until the man of my dreams came along again.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 80 (view)
 
unresponsive women
Posted: 3/24/2006 3:35:52 AM
Sparda, I will only reply to guys who REALLY interest me, so what is the point of my replying to you if I do not think you could be someone who I would like to get to know. I am sure your life is busy enough without your having to read rejection emails, that list several little reasons why you are not the perfect one.
The woman who is perfect for you WILL reply.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 76 (view)
 
hornydevil
Posted: 3/24/2006 3:04:19 AM
So, that is fortunate...May, June, July and August are coming up.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 75 (view)
 
What's Up With NO PHOTOS?
Posted: 3/24/2006 3:01:06 AM
I do not have a photo on my computer so to have to mess around getting one, and scanning it in, whilst signing up is too much of a nuisance, so it is easier not to put one.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Things people should NEVER BRING on the first date.....
Posted: 3/24/2006 2:57:20 AM
Lux, has someone brought these things on a date with you?
When i was 11, i took my father's gallstones to school for show and tell, I later heard that one kid was quite horrified by this.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 80 (view)
 
Things people should NEVER BRING on the first date.....
Posted: 3/24/2006 2:54:50 AM
Photos, of anything. There is nothing more boring than looking at a collection of photos of people who you don't know, and even worse if they leave you with a pile to look through whilst they go off and do something else.
Cute little dogs would be out for me because I think cut little dogs are far more attractive than people, and, at least, a dog can break the ice and provide some conversation during any loud silences.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
well over 45, and and afraid of the dating game?
Posted: 3/24/2006 2:41:19 AM
Bike, yeah, I can see singledom looming on the horizon, and it scares me. I can only say that you have to just take each meeting as a SEPARATE experience, and not expect it to morph into a relationship. A night out with a handful of different people can, at least, fill your evenings, and your diary so that you do not look like a sad loser who has to spend every night at home in front of the TV
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
to believe there's someone for everyone or is that crazy?lol.
Posted: 3/24/2006 1:24:41 AM
To Ryft, I don't think it is strange to believe that your soulmate lives within a 50 mile radius of where you live. Your soulmate would have the same likes and dislikes as you, a similar lifestyle, so would very likely live in the same area as you. Actually, my soul mate (now sadly an ex) did only just live within the 50 mile radius, and I nearly did not contact him, after I found this out, because I did not think such a long distance romance would work.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Facial hair or not?
Posted: 3/23/2006 7:07:28 PM
A moustache, kept well trimmed is good, but facial hair, in general is off putting...is he hiding acne scars? It just looks plain untidy to me, and poorly dressed
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
does it matter what you drive
Posted: 3/23/2006 7:04:12 PM
No, so long as it does not break down regularly, so that I have to constantly drive us in my car, and so long as the heater works, and the radio, so that I don't want to drive us.
Oh, and it must not have bird poo on it, or spiders living ANYWHERE in it.
I resent four wheel drives, as being nuisances on the road to other drivers, so I would not want my date to drive one of those.
Would love a motor bike as a second vehicle
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
your ex advertises to you that they are engaged
Posted: 3/21/2006 8:45:39 PM
Hi, Wildgirl, yes, I think if they tell you, then it is just to show you that you were not the only one who thought them attractive, especially if you were the one who dumped them.
I dated a guy, for maybe 7 months, and I was the one who ended the relationship. Perhaps 6 months later, I get a phone call from the guy inviting me to a party at his place, I declined as I already had plans for the weekend. I later found out that he was married, so I figured that he had been inviting me to the engagement party, and did not tell me, so that I would be CRUSHED at the knowledge that he was no longer a lonely single, whilst I was.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
How do you really feel seeing your EX get engaged?
Posted: 3/21/2006 8:38:52 PM
I have only been in three real relationships before the one that I am in now. Frankly I was not really worried when I broke up with the first 3 guys, so the discovery that 2 are now married means very little to me, I would not have wanted to spend the rest of my life with any of them, anyway (not sour grapes) I can imagine, though, if this relationship goes belly up, as it is threatening to, I will get very upset if I hear that he has got engaged to someone
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
do australian men date? and how?
Posted: 3/15/2006 6:25:43 PM
[we don't have the pressure of needing to have the white picket fence and the 2.4 kids]

We don't? No our dream is the quarter acre block isn't it? Actually it is all about security, so we DO need to know that we have a partner who will still be there when we hit 64.... or 80, or more. I certainly do want a husband, and kids would have been nice but at 48 I can forget about that. Being independent is all very nice when you know that you have time to find a partner, but not when you know that time is fast running out.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Pet Roll Call
Posted: 3/15/2006 6:10:24 PM
I have a "small black dog" in other words, an RSPCA adoptee, so who really knows what she is, or how old. After 17 years spent with my first beloved dog, a toy poodle, I could not live in a house without a dog. So we got Bonny.
She is a real cutie (I suspect a Papillion X with a Schiperke). We were told that she had a submissive personality when we bought her, boy were they wrong, she has us, and many of the neighbours, wrapped around her front paw.
Everyone knows Bonny, I have met so many people who I would never have known had I not been walking her twice a day. She invites herself into people's gardens, and houses, and being small, cute and friendly, they all love her for her audacity.
I could go on and on about her, as can everyone about their pet, but I will not bore you all. Many years ago, a workmate told me that I was besotted with my toy poodle, and yes that is how it was with her, I am not, yet, at that stage with Bonny.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
euthanasia /murder or mercy killing?
Posted: 3/15/2006 5:56:00 PM
I too, have a living will, but, on discussing it with my GP, he tells me that another treating doctor can ignore this missive.
I believe that is quality of life that is important, which means that when you go to sleep at night you WANT to wake up the next day.
I have been left disabled by a stroke, most would say I am not badly disabled, and with what I can do, I am not, but, the not being able to do the things that I once loved makes my quality of life not worth anything. I feel that when I was taken into hospital at the time of the accident that left me this way, the treating doctor would have known how limited my life would be, and advised my parents, and (then) partner how it would be, and THEY would have known I would not want to continue existing as I do now.
Last year, my mother suffered a second stroke which would have left her totally paralysed, not just 50%, and I initiated the conversation to remove life support, knowing that a woman as alive and vital as her would NEVER be happy spending her lif in a wheelchair, or bed.
I don't know about this phrase "dying with dignity", but I sure do know about a living death.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Ladies, please read and tell me your thoughts
Posted: 3/15/2006 5:21:03 PM
I am assuming that you ARE 5' 11", and NOT 5' 8" because a lack of inches is not really easy to hide. I have to say that I am not interested in men who are shorter than me, which is crazy, but, it is a parent thing, My Dad was taller than my Mum, and 2 years older, so that, to me is the way it should be (my perfect man who I have recently lost is 6' and 10 years older, and that seems perfect now).
Yes, if you have your heart set on a partner who is taller than you, then you do turn down the guy who is ideal in other ways to wait for the one who you think is perfect. If the thing that you don't like is in your face all the time, like your partner being shorter than you would be, then it is far more annoying to you than the fact that he likes football and you don't, or something else that is not there all the time, but really is more of a problem.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Dating at this age seems challenging (48 years old)
Posted: 3/15/2006 5:07:12 PM
I am now 48, and just going back into the dating game after 10 years with someone who was my soulmate for the first three of them. Certainly online dating is easy, you just sit on your a##e and rummage through the eligible men, but, because the NET is world wide, you discover that your soulmate does not just live in the next suburb, the next state, but in another country.
I met my last man (the perfect man, so how will someone else ever measure up?) through a Singles magazine, and when he originally wrote to me, I saw that he lived a good 20 miles away from me, so I thought, not a hope there, but I replied, and it worked out.
It is much better to look in the "Friends Seeking Friends" columns in your local newspaper, you have a better chance of actually meeting then, because, it seems like, to me, that no one wants to spend an hour travelling to meet someone who they consider might be totally unsuitable (in looks mostly).
I never met any of my previous relationships through a chance meeting at a party, club, or dance.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Top 10 danger signs
Posted: 3/15/2006 2:04:26 AM
Frightening Tom. You need to add that they don't want to introduce you to their friends anymore. We are in the 8, 9 and 10 stage at the moment, but I have nowhere to go.
 maree12
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
If you sleep with a guy right away, does that take you out of the running for a relationship?
Posted: 3/7/2006 11:05:10 PM
In no way! I had heavy, very, petting on the second date, third date, sex. I doubt if we would have gotten much further if we had not found we were such compatible lovers. This guy had been married, then separated, so was used to having regular sex, it probably depends then on the guy. If he has been used to regular sex in a relationship then he will just expect to continue on as such, and refusing will likely make him lose interest. But, it is not the reason to have sex! I was hot to have sex with him, if I had not been interested in sex, then this would have been transmitted easily to him, and put him off, having good, enjoyable for both, sex will not harm the relationship, so far as I can see, it is just discovering something else that you both have and enjoy, in common. I do note, that, now, because I am anorgasmic, I feel that having sex right away would ruin my chances of a relationship, who wants to be faithful to someone who only has duty sex. I do not need the guy to know in advance that I am a crap lover.
 
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