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 Author Thread: Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Would you date someone who admitted to previous affairs
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:55:35 PM
I used to take a hard stance on this subject given that my marriage ended because of my ex-husband's affair. Now, I think that it takes courage to admit that you made a mistake and I would hear him out. I am not going to judge someone as unworthy because of something that happened in the past.

Moral character is not about never making a mistake. It is knowing that you made a mistake, owning it, and moving forward with resolve that you will not make that same mistake again.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 98 (view)
 
Living on a shoestring budget
Posted: 6/23/2012 4:04:27 PM
Well, I do not understand that thinking, but to each his own. I do order the small meal, but there are times you go to places where you are unfamiliar with the portions. I do not like to waste, and to me, it is just foolish to feed the garbage instead of people.

Please explain, if you do not mind, what is tacky about a take-out container? My thinking is that if I paid for someone's meal and they could not eat it all, I would appreciate that they want to take it home. Where does that tacky come in? Is it that the thinking is that you are so desperate that you cannot buy your own food? I did read on another thread that one man said that if a woman asked for a doggy bag, he would not ask her out again. I consider myself a woman of good manners, but I never have heard of it being tacky until I read these forums.

Would you take it home if you paid for it? What about if you make food for someone in your home, is it considered tacky to send the leftovers home with your guest? I am just trying to understand the whole tacky thing.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 96 (view)
 
Living on a shoestring budget
Posted: 6/23/2012 2:44:34 PM
I agree, there are different reasons for financial strife. I have worked two extra jobs for quite some time to dig myself out of medical debt. It just takes one catastrophic illness such as cancer or a long-term illness that requires hospitalization to derail a lifetime of careful choices.

Dating on a shoestring can be fun with the right person. There is a huge difference between frugal and cheap. It is all about making the most of a dollar or squeezing your pennies so tight that Abe screams. Cheap is never attractive.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 93 (view)
 
Living on a shoestring budget
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:14:48 AM
I cannot understand why it is tacky to get a take-home box, regardless of who pays, instead of overeating or wasting food. The portions are huge usually and frankly, it is just too wasteful to me to throw out what has been paid for. I take it for lunch the next day.

What is tacky about not being wasteful?

I carry disability insurance, life insurance, dental insurance, and health insurance through my job. I also have home and car insurance. My monthly insurance costs are about $500 a month. I did have hopes that the U.S. would have some insurance reform to make health insurance more affordable for everyone. I am grateful that I get decent rates through my job, but I am paying close to $6000 a year overall. Health insurance should be affordable for everyone, but it is not at this time. I have a co-pay and 20% in addition on my plan. It is a necessary expense, IMO.

I live frugally, but I am not cheap. I think it is just smart to make the most of your dollar.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 73 (view)
 
would you marry a widow or widower if....
Posted: 6/18/2012 9:55:22 PM
I think it is a matter of respect to those who would mind it. Some will. Is a headstone worth losing someone in life now?
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 521 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/18/2012 9:50:38 PM
Many of us have wills and trusts to divide our assets when we die. In mine, I have many assets to divide that will benefit my children equally. I also have life insurance to cover any balances that I have on my accounts as well as for my final expenses. I will not be a burden to my kids in any way! I love them too much to do that. I will protect what I have for their sake, if not for any other reason. Very few of us are without someone in our lives who would not be affected by the choices that we make throughout our lives concerning finances.

Combining households could mean that there is more disposable income to enjoy nice vacations, and to save for the golden years. I just think there are very, very few of us who are willing to risk combining households without legal protection of our assets. To me, it takes the pressure off and the focus on what really matters: spending time with someone you love.

Some states are common law states, and without the benefit of a legal marriage, someone could lay claim to assets if a couple split. We all have to be smart, that is all that I am saying. You can be smart and very open to find someone to share you life with.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 518 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/18/2012 9:22:54 PM
It boils down to this, IMO. Those with more, have more to lose. I think the attitude is that it is no big deal for anyone to give up something that seems frivolous to someone who has less. Look at your attitude about it, mjint. It is their money and theirs to choose how to spend it without judgement.

$12.00 an hour is a decent living, and there are those who have been laid off who would love to earn that.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 515 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/18/2012 9:10:45 PM
I do not think it is that simple. Vacations are a reflection of someone's financial status, IMO. My favorite ones are combining a trip to see family and seeing more of our beautiful America. I am doing that this summer for ten days with a budget of $1K. The three of us who are going all agreed on an amount to take along to cover all of our expenses. We do not want to count pennies and eat at fast-food restaurants. We want the full experience of our trip and if that means eating a $25 plate in a local spot that we have seen on Food Network or read about in Food and Wine magazine, then we do not want to miss out on the experience. If someone else wanted to go along and let's say they only had $500, we would have to compromise the adventure to accommodate their lesser ability to pay. Resentment might set in, just sayin'. Two of us are teachers and we will make the most of our trip on our income. We will use coupons, save where we can, but we will not have to miss out on something we all want to do due to money since we figured our budget and all are taking the same amount.


Why should anyone give up anything for anyone else because the other one cannot afford it? People do not want to give up things they want for others, mjinict. It does not make them self-centered, either. People who make a lot of money have often invested huge sums in their education and work high-stress jobs. They may not consider it a luxury as much as a much needed break from a stressful job.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 511 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/18/2012 8:53:30 PM
I would not sacrifice my retirement for anyone because any happiness that I might feel would be offset by the constant worry about how to make ends meet. I did not work hard to save for retirement my whole working life to end up like that. I also refuse to be a burden to my kids, period, then end. I want to model responsible choices to them and that is not throwing away my security for love. I would have to have some sort of legal agreement before even sharing a home with someone without marriage. I would expect him to want the same thing. None of us have time to start all over rebuilding our finances. Very few people, even with amazing careers, have any sort of reassurance that we will have our jobs for as long as we might like to have them given this horrific economy.

Love is priceless, that is for sure. However, reality demands that we plan for our futures and take care of our todays in the best way that we can to live with any kind of dignity in our golden years. Plus, people are living longer and longer and what we have saved, has to last. When I do retire, I will have to be frugal as it is. I do realize that some lost their jobs, their houses went underwater, and their 401Ks went down in this economy. People have had it hard, very hard. I sympathize with anyone who has suffered so much. It could happen to any of us. If that happened to someone, and I thought he was an amazing man, I would hope we could find someway to make it work financially without me having to risk my security.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 466 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/17/2012 8:01:12 PM
I do understand that. I did think that not everyone understood her message, but she thinks she articulates herself perfectly so apparently it is me who misunderstood.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 464 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/17/2012 7:17:19 PM
I reread and I misinterpreted. I stand corrected about the twenty year marriage.

Mjinict, I was not defending you, just saying that we all make inferences based on where we are in this life. Articulate away:)
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 462 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/17/2012 6:59:33 PM
There are so many ways that a person can contribute as Cindy O pointed out. It really comes down to disposable income and that is directly affected by how much has to go out for eating, home repairs, car repairs, etc. If someone can really cook, they contribute to the bottom line by saving on food. I can cook, sew, and garden. I save in all kinds of ways that contribute to the financial well-being to my household. A handyman or handywoman can really save the household a lot of money. Saving is contributing.

As far as the poster who says she won't marry down, well her reality is her preference. Her life experience has taught her that she needs a man who is at least an equal contributor and that is what the majority of the posters on this thread is saying. For some reason, I interpret what she is trying to say differently than some of you. What is her bigger issue, IMO, is that she stayed with a man for 20 years who was a dead beat, from all that she posted.

On these forums, and especially on this one, I think we tend to be more authentic just because we have been there and done that for so many issues. Living in reality is something we have had no choice but to do in order to survive emotionally, physically, and financially. Some of us are just better at articulating what we really feel than others are.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 28 (view)
 
I wonder at this prime age
Posted: 6/17/2012 6:46:31 PM
I love that song! To find that kind of love again would be such a gift for all of us.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 47 (view)
 
girlfriends of widowers
Posted: 6/17/2012 6:00:10 PM
I am glad. I walked away from someone who treated me badly even though I was so in love with him. It hurt for a long, long time, but in the end, I am so much better off without him. People who abuse others are energy vampires; they suck the life out of us if we stay.

I have compassion for anyone who lost someone they loved through death or divorce, but not one moreso than the other. Single is single if you put yourself out in the dating pond. Why does he deserve any slack because he is a widow? You do not deserve to be treated badly no matter what. His issues are his own and needed to be dealt with before he brought anyone else into his life. It really is neither here nor there that he is widowed. I am so over people needing others to give them slack because of this and that. We are all responsible for our own behavior and nobody needs to cut us slack. That is pure selfishness, IMO.

He may be a better man someday, but somehow, I doubt it. There are good men out there who will treat you as you deserve. Best of luck to you!
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 455 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/17/2012 5:45:28 PM
A man may want to take care of a woman, there is nothing at all wrong with that. I do not know of anyone who is emotionally healthy who seeks out needy people. "Needy" is defined in this context as someone who needs someone to be helped out or to be lifted up to a higher standard of living by someone else's income contribution.

Two incomes do make for more disposable income when combined. There is no reason at all why each couple cannot decide how to contribute and spend together. It is all a personal decision. However, I think for the long run, the bigger contributor needs to know that the reason why the other person is with them is for love, not for financial gain.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
I wonder at this prime age
Posted: 6/17/2012 9:32:13 AM
Marriage is complicated at our ages, and while I might consider it, many things would have to be determined prior to, 'I do."
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 46 (view)
 
girlfriends of widowers
Posted: 6/17/2012 8:39:32 AM
bluejeanlady06, we teach others how to treat us. He is not treating you well, so I do think leaving is the emotionally healthy thing to do. If he had not been widowed, would you tolerate the same bad behavior from a divorced man? We all deserve better than to be put through such pain.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 445 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/17/2012 8:25:34 AM
I like what the previous poster said about equitable sharing of income. I think it one partner makes 100K, and the other partner makes 50K. sharing the expenses on a proportionate basis is fair. Emotionally, the one with the higher income needs to know that the reason their partner is with them is for love, not for what they can do for them.

I am in education, so I do not make a big income. I will say, that I do have more money than some men due to their commitments to their first families. So, even if a man makes $100K, if he is paying CS of $1500, and alimony of $1200, his take home pay might be equal to mine or even less. What about it a person is helping their kid through college or helping an aging parent? There are many things that affect the bottom line in disposable income and that too, needs to be considered.

Bottom line is, you know if your lifestyles are compatible from conversations and displays of income such as cars, homes, and spending habits that are visible to everyone. If someone has deep debt due to medical illness that is different from credit card debt for vacations. It still has to be paid back, but it does show how financially responsible someone is, IMO.

One thing that two couples that I know of in real life are in discord about, are parent loans for college. I am talking about $50-100K loans that have to be repaid. We all want to help our kids get through college, but that too is a major expense that needs to be discussed because student loan payments can be garnished from wages if you do not make the payments. They cannot be discharged in bankruptcy either.

Recently, a couple that I know of and who are madly in love, talked about marriage. She asked him for his credit report, and he balked. They went for some counseling and eventually, he did give in. They have set down and made a budget for all that needs to be done to repair his credit. She will not marry him until he gets his life together. They want to buy a house, but only she has credit good enough to qualify for a loan. Insurance rates are tied to your credit report as well. She is going to marry him, and he loves her so much that he is willing to make this all work. They have transparency now, before the wedding, and in my opinion, have a far better shot of making it work forever.

Relationships at our age are not just about whether the moon and the stars are aligned; they are far, far more complicated. Just as our bodies are a reflection of our exercise and diet choices, our financial health is largely a sum of our choices as well.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I wonder at this prime age
Posted: 6/17/2012 8:07:13 AM
Agree with CD. Experience is huge when it comes to this issue. My advice is to get out there in real life, get involved in activities that you love, and find out who you are as a single person. Marriage is not an option for many our age, so even if you are willing, the person that you would want to marry may not be open to it.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 83 (view)
 
Was having children worth the effort?
Posted: 6/17/2012 7:42:39 AM
Raising kids is hard, especially when you do it alone. It makes you stronger to be sure. I do not think anyone who has survived raising a kid who had issues such as depression, substance abuse, or any other life-changing choices, is not stronger for the experience. You cannot walk away from them when they are kids, you have no choice but to hang in there and get through it. It can be very painful, and very hard. My girls are the absolute joy in my life, but it was not easy. We got through the hard times, and now, they are two amazing young women whom I am proud to call my daughters.

To Blacklady, God bless you. I think when kids are young, we do all that we can to raise them right. We support them. I cannot imagine how painful it must be to see your adult child make bad choices. Mother to Mother, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

People on this forum have talked about commitment being until death do you part, but to me, it is more about sticking it out with people you love when they times get really hard. Anyone who has raised kids knows the meaning of commitment.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 434 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/16/2012 11:31:43 AM
I do not expect to marry up, I do expect to find someone in the same financial ball park. I work in education, so I am not a six-figure earner. I cannot support someone in my golden years who has no retirement and who is totally dependent on our social security system. It highly unlikely it will be there in ten years when I will be at retirement age.

Having said that, women typically do not make as much as men do. Most of us will marry up simply because men are paid more, at least in the US.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 93 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 6/16/2012 11:16:24 AM
:), You might be surprised by how many will not allow it to be used. There is never a reason to pay full price for two meals if you are flexible in where you are willing to go such as Chili's, TGFridays, Outback, etc. I value the company of whom I am with, not how much he spent on me or that spent on him.

I also save everywhere I can. I want to retire with dignity and that requires me to be more frugal at this time. I shop at bag-it-yourself grocers, pick-it-yourself fruit and vegetable farms, have a small garden, and so forth. I save for vacations and it really makes me consider my "wants" and my "needs" in a different light. If I make the best choices I am able to travel in the US. Our country is so magnificent, and I want to see as much of it as I can. You would be amazed at how much you can save on airfare if you belong to the watchdog websites.

If you sign up the websites of restaurants that you frequent, you often get rewards and coupons in your email box. I shop for clothing and electronics online and tie all of my purchases to ebates and get coupon codes from retailmenot. You can, with very little effort, get so much more for your money.

More than anything, finances are a lifestyle compatibility issue. It is why people fight so much.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 431 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/16/2012 11:09:50 AM
I also do not think anyone is allowing bitterness interfere with future relationships. It is a matter of reality, as Welsh says.

I recovered from my divorce, but have not mingled my finances since. I have no horror story about being taken for granted or coming out of my divorce penniless. Two households can live more cheaply than one, but contributions often need to be done proportionately due to disparity in incomes. I would not remarry without a pre-nup to protect my retirement account and my equity in my home.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 428 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/16/2012 10:08:20 AM
"Expect" is not my motivation either, but the fact of the matter is that many people are ages have different expectations as far as the financial aspect of dating is concerned. When we were young, it was a given that a man paid; to offer to pay would have offended a man. Times have changed from the seventies and eighties. Women will often help pay, or at least offer. Men will often appreciate it whether they take us up on it or not. I think it is about respecting that someone else has worked just as hard for their money as we have, even if they earn substantially more.

There are those who have not changed with the times. I do not know how often I hear someone use the fact as a single parent as an excuse for financial woes. It does impact on how much or how little we have if we are not collecting child support. I am not saying that. However, life is about choices, and we may not be able to maintain our former lifestyle when we had a partner. If not, then we have to make smart changes to live within our means. If it is not within our means to ever contribute financially in a relationship, there are other ways to contribute. I have many times made a nice dinner at m y home for someone I was dating, or spent a Saturday afternoon helping him with chores at his house. Contributing is not always in dollars, but there does need to be a balance of give and take in order for a healthy relationship to flourish.

It can take years and years to recover from the financial devastation of dividing a household. Nobody really knows someone's financial status unless they have access to their tax returns. It may seem as someone has alot of money, but you can really never know that.

I do not agree that everyone does what they do in a relationship just because they want to. There are many expectations and if you want to the relationship to continue, there are times you put that person before yourself.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 424 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/16/2012 9:18:50 AM
"Why does this continue to be brought up?"

Some do expect others to contribute to their financial needs/wants. The thinking is, "Who ever has most, pays." Even if someone has more, it is their choice or not whether or not to pay someone else's way. It should not be expected of them to do that, especially because they are a man.

You cannot ignore finances in a relationship. It affects the balance of give and take.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Coupons and Dating
Posted: 6/16/2012 9:10:52 AM
If I know where a man is taking me on a date, I look through on the internet and try to take a coupon along. I buy really good ones for $3/$25 on restaurant.com. I pay $3 for $25 worth of food, we have to spend at least $10 more, not including alcohol. Basically,I spent $3, there is the additional $10 spent on food, plus about a $7.00 tip. For $20.00 total, we had a very nice meal. You have to watch for them to put them on special, but they do. I am also about 2 for 1 meals. I will take those along as well. If I offer and the man refuses, I just put it back in my handbag, and never say another word about it.

Dating is expensive. I wonder if more people were more open to using discounts, if they might have more opportunities to meet other people.

I do not feel valued by how much someone spends on me. For health reasons, I do not eat fast food, so I would just order a drink if I was taken there. Plus, it is not a venue that I enjoy because of the noise level in places like that.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 421 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 6/16/2012 8:54:53 AM
I am a professional and make a nice living. I am not wealthy by any means, but I do own a nice home, can take trips, and can take a friend out for supper. What I am protective of is the long-term financial security that I have built for myself because the last thing that I ever want to be is a burden to my grown daughters. You can say that finances have little to do with a relationship, but none of us live in a vacuum. Our choices have an affect on loved ones and I for one, simply will not ignore that. I absolutely will not date a man who is not financially responsible.

I personally have medical debt, but it is diminishing. I still have an income, am in great health now, and more than enough insurance to cover my debt and final expenses should something happen. I have seen too many people have to take on the financial responsibility of a family member because that person did not protect their own financial well-being. It is our responsibility to be able to take care of ourselves. Being a dependent person financially is giving someone else way too much control, IMO, and besides, why would anyone not want to take care of themselves?

When we were young, we did not come with so many responsibilities, plus we were naive. What a blessing! Reality is that middle-age comes with a different life experiences and expectations.

As far as fancy vacations, I cannot take them on my income. I would love to see Bora Bora, The Great Wall of China, and other magnificent places, but my income does not allow it. If someone can go to exotic places, then good for them. If they need someone who can also afford those kind of vacations, then I am not a potential partner.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
What does being supportive look like at this point in our lives?
Posted: 6/3/2012 5:01:10 PM
Some people live for drama and just ASSume that others thrive on it as well. I am not going to get caught up in ex drama. That is not support in my eyes, it is enabling.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
ready to give up.
Posted: 6/3/2012 4:57:52 PM
It takes patience to do online dating. Hang in there and just do not take things seriously.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
What does being supportive look like at this point in our lives?
Posted: 6/3/2012 2:06:51 PM
I used to think that you had to be nice and suffer through a long, one-sided conversation out of politeness. Now, I will listen, try to steer the conversation to something lighter, and then, if that does not work, I have somewhere else to be. Honestly! What is the point of spilling your woes to someone you have just met, or just recently met?

To me, being supportive is proportional to the depth of the relationship. If you are very close, of course you want to help that person through whatever hardship(besides the ending of another relationship) that they are going through. I think it a measure of how much you care for someone to support them through the hard times and vice versa. Part of the beauty of having a partner in this life is that you do not have to go through things alone.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
sharing perspectives on health and day to day lifestyle choices
Posted: 6/3/2012 10:08:58 AM
For me, making the choice to live a healthy lifestyle with a low-fat/sugar diet is something that I would hope to share with someone else. If we are lucky enough to find someone amazing, it would be nice to have as many quality years as possible.

A family member has not taken care of herself her whole life and for the last twelve years, her mate has been responsible for her care. He has given up any sort of normal life to be her caretaker without much respite. If she had taken care of her diabetes, then she might have a very different quality of life now, and so would he. She has had three major heart surgeries as well as a number of other health related surgeries. I say that not to be callous, I love this woman, but her choices were not her own; they are the entire families, especially his. People do go in to give him respite, but she requires so much from him that his own health has been adversely affected, and his emotional well-being as well. He does resent it from time to time, who wouldn't?

Another couple met and feel in love on this site. He was a smoker and within six months, their lives changed dramatically. He got throat cancer from smoking and her life became all about taking care of him. Any sweetness that was between them got lost in all of the care giving. She is the sweetest, most caring woman, but finally, she asked a family member to take him.

Our health is sometimes, and I would even say often, a direct result of the lifestyle choices that we make. Of course there are environmental issues, and genetic ones, but overall, we can control our well-being in the large part. Healthy choices can really affect the quality of life that we live. Of course, it is not guarantee, but it is certainly hedging the odds, IMO.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
What does being supportive look like at this point in our lives?
Posted: 6/3/2012 7:54:40 AM
I have a dear friend who is a classic, "Knight in Shining Armour." He has made two bad marriages because he married women who were needy and emotionally unhealthy. He said that in his effort to be supportive of his wife, he was blinded during their courtship by just how much support she needed. He felt important and loved that she needed him so much. Now, he feels strangled by it all, and resentful that she is such a taker. However, he has taught her over the years that it is OK to behave like that and no amount of talking to her about it has changed things.

I do think we teach people how to treat us if we do not set boundaries. I am a nurturer by nature, and I too, tend to be taken advantage of because I am nice enough to listen and to be sympathetic. I have learned that early in a dating situation, I need to expect that there will be some balance. I cannot support someone through their healing from a previous relationship, ever again, but I can support them through a tough time at work, or a difficult family situation. As human beings, giving that kind of support is important.

Dating is not therapy. I have found on a few meet and greets, that people need to tell you every detail of their situation. One man even cried over the loss of his marriage. I empathized with his pain, but honestly, I was not willing to have those healing conversations with him over and over again. At what point would we have been able to build something together because he was over what he had been through before me?

Financially, I only want to take care of my own bills. I am not willing to lend anyone other than family money, nor can anyone live in this home without contributing. One of the main reasons people divorce is because they are not financially compatible, so someone who cannot handle their finances is not a match for me.

I have read on the forums that people are just about themselves at this point, but I do not think that is true. What I do think is that folks have learned through experience that some need far more than we can give.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
What does being supportive look like at this point in our lives?
Posted: 6/2/2012 7:01:35 PM
I have noticed on a few other threads, that the phrase being supportive was spoken of as if it was something that people are just not willing to do anymore.

What does being supportive mean to you in a dating relationship? How much are you willing to give to someone early on in hopes of the relationship developing into something deeper? Do you think it upsets that balance of a healthy relationship from the beginning to give more than you are given?
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
would you marry a widow or widower if....
Posted: 6/2/2012 9:29:19 AM
Blending families is such a huge challenge no matter who you date. Honestly, what is the point is labeling someone as more or less based desirable to date based on the circumstance of how they became single?

Level the playing field, please. If people are living in the present and you are as well, all of the rest of it can be worked out, even adult children who behave like brats:)
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 163 (view)
 
S/he has no health insurance. Dealbreaker?
Posted: 5/31/2012 7:58:34 PM
Health is a big issue in our age range and whether someone takes care of themselves is a lifestyle compatibility issue. Whether or not someone has health insurance is less of an issue to me than whether or not they eat right, exercise, and are non-smokers. A healthy lifestyle is especially important if you do not have health insurance. If you think about it, preventative care is the best medicine of all.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Lifetime POF'rs...
Posted: 5/14/2012 10:20:43 PM
Women typically have primary custody of the kids. We do the lion share of the child-rearing much of the time and really do not have the same opportunities to develop relationships the way that women/men who are the non-custodial parents do. Our hearts are invested in seeing that everything in our children's world is kept as right as we can make it even though they are not being raised in an intact family.

The statistics for successful blended families, especially those with teenagers are not good. Finding someone who is close to our age, with similar values, and who is willing to make compromises, is quite a challenge. Moving with kids, especially if the non-custodial parent is in the vicinity, is sometimes not a option.

Meeting someone at this stage in our life who is compatible on many levels is hard. I would rather fish for years and finally get my keeper, then try to make something work that simply doesn't just to not be alone. I like alone, it is drama-free. I am looking for the right fit, and the right fit is so much more than chemistry and location.

It is clear that some people do not fish in real life. It is a sport of patience.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Was having children worth the effort?
Posted: 5/13/2012 7:35:40 AM
I was born to be a mother and my girls are the joy of my life. I cannot imagine life without them!

I do not want to raise more kids though. I raised my girls alone and it did affect my dating life. I have no regrets about it, but I am honest enough to say that I do not want to help raise more kids. I love the freedoms that come with having my family raised and even though my girls were not hard to raise, there were many, many times that I laid awake at nights stressing about how I was going to manage taking care of this or that financially. I am working toward retirement now and just a different phase in my life.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 52 (view)
 
excuses or lies?
Posted: 5/6/2012 8:38:51 PM
I have not had this experience ever again, and it is interesting to read all of the posts from so long ago. I now visit with someone on the phone more than once before agreeing to meet them in person. I listen to my inner rader still, and to be honest, it is rarely wrong.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Lifetime POF'rs...
Posted: 5/6/2012 12:26:56 PM
I agree giggles, that relationships are far more disposable than they once were. The grass always looks greener, but in truth, it is greener where you water it:)
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Lifetime POF'rs...
Posted: 5/6/2012 12:11:52 PM
I have been on and off of hear for years, but that does not make me not a keeper. I find what you said very, very offensive and judgemental. You are making a sweeping generalization and it is damn rude. Many of us have been raising kids along the way and blending families is really hard. Maybe we have chosen to remain single due to our commitments to our family. Also, maybe the right person has not come along and we are unwilling to settle. There could be any number of reasons, including being on here just for the forums.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 124 (view)
 
Women's Financial Status
Posted: 4/4/2012 6:55:09 PM
I have had some hard knocks, but I do own my home, have my bills paid, and have my life together through hard work and determination. This economy has been hard on everyone and we need to have some compassion for anyone who has not survived it as well as others have. I am a professional and frankly, would love to meet someone who makes close to what I make.

I have a very nice home, but drive an inexpensive car. I would rather invest than spend on a consumable. Cars are not good investments in my opinion, but a home is. I have medical debt, but my payment history is good. My ex says that I can stretch a dollar like it is printed on rubber and I can. I use coupons, shop carefully, and spend thoughtfully. I can and do go on simple vacations.

I do expect a man to be a hard worker and responsible with his money. If he cannot hold onto a dollar, we do not have the same financial philosophy, so we are not a match any way. I think chemistry is huge, but in order to sustain a relationship, you have to have other areas of compatibility.

I offer to share the bill on dates, and sometimes, the man will let me leave the tip.

I think one thing that is huge is our future financial obligation to our kids, that plays a huge part in our financial status. I have my kids grown and educated. I have more disposable income because of it.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Do You Have Success On Coffee Date Meets?
Posted: 2/23/2012 7:42:07 PM
I like Barnes and Nobles or a cozy little sandwich shop. A meet and greet is just a short interval to see if you connect. You can always extend it to dinner, a walk, a movie, or whatever. I like to meet pretty quickly after making contact. No need to spend all kinds of time via technology only to find out that there is absolutely zero chemistry.

I have had some really fun coffee meets and have met some nice people. I dated someone for three years after meeting him at a restaurant. I met another man after that I cared for very deeply for a few years. It can net a catch, but you have to be willing to meet people. At our ages, blending lives can be a challenge, but you won't have a chance to even try if you don't put yourself out there.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 220 (view)
 
Beauty over age 45
Posted: 2/20/2012 5:26:44 PM
So much about what makes someone pleasing to look at is their inner joy. It absolutely radiates on their face. Joy can transform someone from plain to pretty. Women do tend to take care of themselves better than the average man, especially women our ages. We know that time is not kind and most of us, at least the women I know, try to make the most of our assets.

I have been out with men who do not groom well and it is unappealing. A big pot belly is not healthy, nor attractive. Yellow teeth are just gross. If I am fortunate enough to ever meet Mr. Right again, I do not wanting him keeling over from a heart attack.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Having Trouble Fitting In
Posted: 2/20/2012 5:18:13 PM
What I seek are other dynamic folks, like I am. I do not think it is an age issue, it is a lifestyle issue. All of us have to find our niche. The easiest way is to find groups who are doing active things.

I have friends who are in their late 30's and guess what? I know that I am not as young. I love my age and while I enjoy their company, I am not their peer. I too, date younger men some, but I would far prefer to find a man of my generation to grow old with.

Being young at heart is a wonderful thing, as long as we live in our reality. VERY few folks look more than five years younger than their actual age. Growing older should be done with grace:) Looking and feeling our best are just ways to live life to the fullest. Wanting to be younger is pointless, time waits for absolutely nobody. I would advise all of us not to look at anyone and think about how old they are. We never know what anyone has been through in this life.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 217 (view)
 
Beauty over age 45
Posted: 2/12/2012 6:38:12 PM
Attraction is what is missing so often when people meet and greet. If we are so lucky to meet someone whom we share a mutual attraction to, as well as have fun with, then who really cares about age? I say that we all need to do what floats our boat, who cares what anyone else thinks?

A large age gap can be problematic when it comes to where you are at in your life's journey. Personally, I have my children grown, and am ready to enjoy this stage in my life without so many responsibilities.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 408 (view)
 
Women that wear too much makeup at our age....
Posted: 11/27/2011 10:10:35 PM
I just do not see women wear make-up that is so obvious. Most everyone I know wears natural colors and it is hard not to be able to match your skin tone for your foundation if you have any clue at all. I think it is huge to go light on the powder so it does not migrate into your fine lines.

Appearance does matter in the work place and in real life. Everyone needs to do what they feel confident with.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 103 (view)
 
why a meal on the first date?
Posted: 11/19/2011 9:24:36 PM
I think coffee is the best idea, just in case you really do not connect. Having said that, I recently went on a nice meet and greet with a great guy and even though we did not have the "magic", we had a good time with each other. In fact, we plan to see each other again as friends. We had a nice dinner and he did not allow me to split it with him.

I think it all depends on how the meeting goes. I also think that it could be that some men just feel that they must pay for dates due to upbringing, the culture of the region of the country where they live, etc.

Either way, I think it is only polite for women to offer to split the bill.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
How long does it Take?
Posted: 11/4/2011 4:20:20 AM
My marriage of over twenty years ended due to his cheating and it just takes time to heal. I joined a divorce support group and it really helped me.

Loving someone requires trust and apparently, you are not able to allow yourself to trust again. I also think that when we are young we are better able to build a life with someone because we just do not have life experience and baggage they way that we do when we are at this stage in our life. Now, we must blend lives and we bring all that both of us have experienced in our lives to the table. The success of blending lives has much to do with how much of our past we allow to define who we are today.

When you can trust someone again, and trust yourself to pick someone who values fidelity they way you do, you will hopefully be able to give your heart again.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 161 (view)
 
Single (never married at all) men over 45
Posted: 10/29/2011 1:45:47 PM
I know men who have never been married and as it happens, they say that they just did not meet the right one. Some women never meet the right man. Honestly, what does it matter? We are all single now and it is no wonder that people stay in the pond so long with such preconceived notions of the labels that POF asks us to put ourselves.

I am open to single, divorced, and widowed. My requirement is that they live in the present emotionally and not be dragging around so much heavy baggage that they need to talk about it all of the time.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 192 (view)
 
What do they see when they look in the mirror?
Posted: 10/29/2011 1:40:30 PM
I think it is best not to say that you think you look younger than your age; beauty is in the eye of the beholder:)

Many people grow old with fewer wrinkles and gray hairs, but genes and lifestyle contribute greatly to that. Diet is a huge factor along with exercise as well.
 
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