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 Author Thread: Are most single moms looking for a guy to care for them financially?
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Are most single moms looking for a guy to care for them financially?
Posted: 10/12/2009 10:51:22 PM

So, Jim, i would like to ask you?

What if the single mother has 3x the money/earnings you do? Then does she pay more? (dont know ahAt your income is but some single mothers are straight money makers and shakers)

And what if her cadillac is better than yours? Will that make you feel like you have a tiny penis? Im content with my car. And can even give ya a good deal on some nice ones from my business.

Suppose single mother lives closer to Cuba than she does any Target or Walmart? (Yeah, i do. Really. Im closer to Fidel Castro than i am low low prices and weekend sales)

And if you divorce, do you expect her to pay you alimony, becaue her better Caddy made you feel inadequate?


How about you answer my questions?

Since I don't think I'll get that consideration I'll be polite and answer your anyway.

If she has a new $100K+ performance model will I be jealous with my Sedan? No, I'm quite content with my vehicles. Will I expect her to pay all of the household expenses and let me keep my earnings for myself? Absolutely not, I'd expect to pay half the household expenses. And if she was so much higher than me in income, I'd expect to pay a realistic amount of the household expenses that I could afford to contribute, I would insist.

Believe it or not these things will affect my penis size.

If she lives closer to Cuba then it is a non-issue. I don't plan on getting involved with a woman who lives an ocean or even one state away from me. What does that question have to do with anything?

Will I expect her to pay me alimony? No, I'm quite self sufficient and have been paying my way since I was 18 years old. Hell, if she asked I'd sign a prenuptual agreement, I wouldn't hesitate. In fact, I'd prefer one just to prove my intentions are sincere. I couldn't take money from someone that I hadn't earned. And by earned I mean, 'made' on my own not felt I, 'deserved' for being married to someone else.

I feel inadequate in no part of my life. I have a great career which not only do I love but compensates my very nicely, good friends, a home, nice things, and money in my wallet. I don't need someone to elevate my standard of living. What I do need is someone to share my life with who understands that being married is a parnership, a team effort, and wants to work hard along side of me to build a good life together, a life where we don't worry about money, security, or when/if we will ever be able to retire together in our golden years.

My life isn't perfect but it's pretty darn good though, about the only complaint I have is that I am single, but with the quality of folks and their sense of entitlement and take-with-no-give mentality I seem to be coming across in my life, I'm starting to think that's not such a bad thing.

Believe it or not, I have quite a good sense of fairness. I don't subscribe to the, 'that's different' mentality that everyone seems to have nowadays when it comes to double standards to explain why the situation is OK when only they benefit.

Now how about you answer my questions?
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Firgiving a cheating spouse?
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:31:53 PM

OP as a woman. I do see forgiving people if they've showed remorse and there was circumstances that you both were apart of the reason the infidilty occured. (i know i'm getting slammed for that statment)


Yeah, you're going to get slammed for that statement.

Being a former military member, I've heard that excuse about being away too many times. The simple fact is that there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for cheating. If you are that lonely or unhappy for whatever reason you need to leave the marriage/relationship before you move on to the next bed. You owe the other person that much.

In fact, my ex-wife gave me that very same excuse. The fact that I was apart from her for the same amount of time and never cheated (although I had plenty of opportunity if I wanted it) didn't even make a dent in her justification of why she cheated.

It's a real shame I never got the same consideration or respect that I gave her.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Should you still see someone even if they lied to you on the 1st date?
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:09:07 PM
Little white lies out of nervousness? Ok.

Major lies about her age, marital status, parent status, etc? NO!
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 102 (view)
 
Are most single moms looking for a guy to care for them financially?
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:04:15 PM

Self sufficient women aren't looking for a man to pay their bills.


That's not quite the whole truth, it very well depends on how you compare self sufficiency.

I'll give you an example to answer the following questions with. What if I'm earning 3x what my single mother counterpart is?

We get married or move in together. Is she going to pay her half of the household expenses or am I going to be expected to pick up her half because I earn so much more?

She drives a 5 year old Kia, and I have 3 nice higher line vehicles. Is she going to take another Kia when it's time for a new car while I drive my Cadillac or my Corvette?

If she's used to shopping at Walmart or Target for her clothes, is she still going to be content with buying her clothes there?

If things don't work out and we end up getting divorced, is she going to go back to her same level of, 'self sufficiency' or will she expect me to pay her alimony based on my income?

I've known plenty of women over the years who make $30K a year and consider themselves, 'self sufficient'. They all had large amounts of credit card debt, were renters, and had almost zero in their checking accounts (no savings or investments) a few days after payday. None of them wanted a man who has the same standard of living as they do, they were only looking to move up and have higher financial standards for men they will date than they bring to the table.

On the other side of the coin, I can count on one hand the number of divorced professional or other higher earning women that I've met. When it comes to their standards for men they will date they, 'think like a man' and bring to the table a very equitable amount of earnings, retirement savings, and assets that they expect him to bring. And while they are praised for it, and told they should settle for no less, a man in that same situation is criticized for being greedy or materialistic.

The way I look at a partnership is that both sides contribute proportionally.


My question is, would a single parent who is making ends meet on their own date a person who is in college and not financially able to contribute for a number of years? (As the poster suggested his situation is) Let's face it, once you become a couple and are together for years, it's a partnership. If a man told me he would be unable to contribute to the household for "a number of years", I'd keep stepping.


A very interesting question you posed. Do you expect a different reaction from a man if you told him that you could not contribute because you have a child to care for?

I'm hoping this doesn't come across the wrong way, I'm not taking a swipe at you. It's just the proclaimed, 'self sufficiency' that I experience so much and how skewed many times the woman's definition is of that description versus the man's.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 69 (view)
 
this is not right paying child support to g/f not my kids
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:12:13 PM

I know it sounds crazy, but it is true. Here is a thread explaining it further:


That still goes back to what I said in my original post. He may not be the father but since he believed the child to be his, he most likely has his name on the birth certificate listed as the father. It's pretty much in set in stone at the point.

Now it's highly unlikely, but if he can produce somehow the real biological father he could probably absolve himself of child support.

But just living with a woman who has children who clearly aren't yours is not going to earn you child support obligations unless you do something like adopt her children.

As much as I might care for someone else's child, or as much as I may love the mother. I would ABSOLUTELY NEVER adopt someone else's children. Do that and you're guaranteed to be obligated for child support if you should divorce.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
divorce & alcoholism
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:35:35 PM
It's a hard road. I don't have children but one of my good friends went through a custody battle with his now ex-wife who turned into a meth addict.

It was very hard on him. He was forced to leave his own home by the Sheriff and his two young girls with his wife and whatever druggie she was shacked up with. Basically he found out mom has to be Satan to not get custody of the children. It took months of her finding ways to dodge court appearances and drug tests before she finally defaulted by not showing up for her drug test. All the while he feared for his children's safety in a house filled with strange men who were drug addicts along with his drugged out wife.

About the only thing that will help you is if you can get proof of her being unfit. I'm not sure if a PI is in order, but if you can catch her driving the children around intoxicated, or other child endangerment activities. Does she have a, or multiple DUIs, a criminal record, etc? Full blown alcoholics usually aren't lucky enough to not leave a trail you can follow.

Good luck.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 68 (view)
 
Do attractive people have more trouble being monogamous?
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:23:58 PM

You can have a million dollar body/aura but still have a 10 cent brain.

If you are a charismatic/attractive/aura person, and you are in a relationship, you choose to stay in it or choose to indulge with some "strange". It's all about choice.


The problem is that the ones that the cheaters cheat with don't care about the 10 cent brain, they're looking for the million dollar fun-spot.

My ex-wife was a cheater, her affairs were not long lasting. All the guys (except one) were there for the moment. They weren't looking at spending the rest of their lives with her. She was quite attractive back then and always received attention from men around her but she was the one who paid the price in the end. Now she's looking at turning 40 in about a year, divorced twice, her looks have faded, she's about 200lbs, and she has a kid with one of the guys she thought would love her forever, now she's pretty much stuck in a pool of whatever guys that are left who will take all of that.

I hate to say it, but I've known several acquaintances who had no problems banging married women, some even sought them out. Again they weren't there for the distance, they were there until the next willing woman came along who pleased them more.


Being pretty doesn't mean you can't say "No".


Very true, but it does mean you have a lot more opportunity to decide whether or not to say no.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Firgiving a cheating spouse?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:25:15 PM
Go ahead and forgive her, we'll wait for your next post about the second time.

When I was young and naive I forgave and got to relive the first event again a second time. I learned my lesson the hard way.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 66 (view)
 
this is not right paying child support to g/f not my kids
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:00:52 AM

in Illinois, we have a law that states if you're living with a chick that has kids that are not yours and that when you break off the relationship, you have to pay child support.
They're not your kids! According to family court, that's true but you were there and you were like their father and you still have to pay support and alimony to your ex-girlfriend.


This sounds like bad information. How can you be expected to take the financial responsibility of the biological dad? He's the one really on the hook unless you did something silly like allowed your name to be put on their birth certificate if the dad wasn't around, or adopted another woman's children.

The only case I ever heard of this happening was a man who adopted a woman's children by having the biological father sign away all legal rights to his children. He had to pay for kids that weren't his because he adopted them.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Ever gotten into trouble or hot water with your spouses family.
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:56:05 AM
I would never marry a woman whose family didn't like me. I did it one time and it strained the marriage. In my situation it wasn't something I did, it was who I was. I was the wrong race for her family's liking.

Another with a girl I almost married turned bad when her father who I worked with and had set us up got jealous both of my relationship with his daughter and my professional success at work. Her parents also caused a lot of strain on the relationship.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 265 (view)
 
Males disapproving of women having male friends
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:38:49 AM
My EXs always had problems with my female friends, yet always had the excuse, 'that's different' when I asked about her male friends.

I don't disapprove of my SO having male friends, I only disapprove of inappropriate behavior with their male friends. A rule I have is if the other person in the relationship did this and it would upset you then it's wrong for you to do it also. The, 'that's different' excuse does not apply and it is NOT different.

One reason so many men and women disapprove of their SOs having opposite sex friends is that so many times something eventually does happen between. It might be a moment of weakness, vulnerability, or spite, but no matter what the excuse, it doesn't change the outcome.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Does the opinion of others ....
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:30:15 AM

If the people closest to me, the ones who know me, love me, and want the best for me find problems with my SO, then yes- their opinion would be something I'd heed.


ditto.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 77 (view)
 
why do woman see men as just friends
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:28:55 AM
Sometimes I feel the same way as the OP. I've had a lot of good woman friends over the years, but a couple of them turned out to be life long friends. Had I tried to move things further and lost everything, including their friendship in the end it wouldn't have been worth it.

A few times when I sat the sidelines and wished I hadn't it was all about timing. Once I was going through a divorce and I wasn't in any condition to try something new, the others were simply both of us being in relationships at opposite times, our unattached states never lined up.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
divorce verses affair...isnt it about time we accepted affairs..
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:17:26 AM
In today's world where so many people have STDs like herpes, or in my area are HIV infected it's something I really hope whoever I were to marry would not think along these lines.

I was married once and let me tell you, on top of dealing with the hurt of infidelity there was nothing more scary and disgusting than to go and get my faithful and committed self tested for STDs once I found out my ex-wife was sleeping around.

It's a real shame that you can be in a marriage, remain faithful, and still face the possibility of at the very least a life altering STD, and at the worst a death sentance.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Single... does it equal weird?
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:10:50 AM
Yes it does = weird.

I'm trying to rediscover myself after a few years of being unattached. The introvert part for me did develop. I was a very outgoing person in my younger years, something I lost along the way in being unattached for so long.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Why is Wife Superiority (Superior Wife Syndrome) so bad for a marriage?
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:08:27 AM

All in all, I think the article missed the point that in as much as men want to help they usually avoid so in order not to overstep some boundaries we women have created by the said syndrome.


In my instance, I stayed out of the way for the simple reason that I couldn't do the housework to her standards. Before we had moved in together she never had any complaints or criticisms about my housekeeping, but that all changed once we were under the same roof.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Men's attitude/acceptance of women who are more successful
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:00:34 AM
Speaking for myself I would welcome a woman who is more successful than I am.

Coming from relationships with women who were minimal achievers with low earning potential I found it draining on me both emotionally and financially.

A couple of my friends are in this situation. Their wives acutally are more successful and earn quite a bit more than they do, they consider themselves quite fortunate.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Would you date a cheater
Posted: 10/8/2009 9:10:27 PM

I've never had anyone admit to me that they cheated on someone else. If they are cheaters - are they not usually liars too?? They probably wouldn't tell me.

That's not always the case. I've had women friends tell me they've cheated on their S/Os or husbands. One showed interest in me later, but all I could think about what they they had cheated in their past. I'd be a fool to believe they weren't capable of doing the same to me and I passed on the opportunity to move beyond friendship.


No, I would not date a cheater. There is no excuse to cheat.


Exactly.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 64 (view)
 
What to do when someone keeps canceling plans ?
Posted: 10/8/2009 9:06:30 PM

What to do when someone keeps canceling plans ?


That's an easy one to answer, stop making plans with them.

I don't have time to waste on people who don't have any consideration for the fact that I plan, rearrange my life, and make myself available to agreed upon events.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Men & woman of a certain size???
Posted: 10/8/2009 9:04:19 PM
It's all relative to me.

I like a woman with a little meat on her bones, it usually comes with a little extra up top as a bonus. However, being new to on-line dating I see a lot of profile pics where the women are clearly overweight by 50+ lbs and describe themselves as, 'average' or, 'a few extra pounds'.

Lets face it, if you're 5'2" and weigh 270lbs, you're not going to be appealing to many men. While you might have a great personality, there has to be some attraction there to make anything of it. Why lie about it only to be disappointed, or waste your time, or someone else's? I'm still trying to understand this.

I'm 5'8" and weigh in around 175lbs, I consider myself average to a few pounds overwight. I would not have the same opinion of myself if I were 200+lbs at my height.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 66 (view)
 
Forgive and forget? Do you really mean it?
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:27:02 PM

HYPOTHETICALLY- When people do really stupid stuff...I harbor grudges until they show real remorse for what they have done. I give 100% and to disrespect me is to show no regards for anything I do for them...therefore, I kick their hypothetical butt to the curb...


Exactly.

Unfortunately in my experience the remorse people show is for the wrong reasons. They are sorry they got caught, not sorry for what they did. IMO, it's impossible to be truly sorry for something you did or you wouldn't have done it in the first place.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What does it mean when a woman says...
Posted: 10/4/2009 5:01:36 PM
All of the above.

I've met many women over the years with low self esteem, who felt they don't deserve any better in a person than how they see themselves.

And yes, some of them are just letting you down easy.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Are most single moms looking for a guy to care for them financially?
Posted: 10/3/2009 8:22:20 AM
I see from your pic that you're military, and I can see how you might come to question that. Being prior military myself and having been stationed in smaller and sometimes more remote areas I can say that there are definately good odds of that occurring.

I've been amazed at how many women in the more rural areas are looking for just that. I've had women show interest in and pursue me, even when I was married back then. They know you have a steady income, base priviledges, medical, etc. Also, from your pic it looks like you're pretty young so you're dealing with a younger group of women. Some of the small town girls I've come across were looking for a way out into a more exciting world.

Some of them also had kids by other soldiers who were stationed where I was at one time, some of them really tried hard to find new soldiers to hook up with because of the benefits involved.

If you're worried about financial motivations, then look at their situation. If she's financially stable, not living check to check, not on public assistance, etc then you're going to stand a better chance of finding someone who's not more attracted to you for financial gains.

Being young and military you need to be extra careful.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
False pretences
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:11:30 AM
Yes, and unfortunately it also ended our friendship that was bruised but intact after I had broken up with her.

Once I found out she had no intentions of keeping her end of the bargain as a condition of me taking her back I ended it again about 4 months later when I realized things were never going to change.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Dating a single mother with a baby
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:30:45 PM

make sure YOU are in control of your life, money, housing, job, etc...... a woman who is in control is a far better prospect than a woman who seems to be barely hanging on... Men pick up on it very quickly... a womn who is in control will atract men, the opposite will send them running.... A good steady job and secure income and secure place to live, and note needing to depend on anyone is very important....


I'm pretty certain that at the age of 38 I'm going to be looking at the majority of women being single parents. What you said above nailed it for me exactly.

I would only consider dating a woman who is in control, independent, and self-sufficient.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Daddy Issues!
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:03:50 PM
The problem is the quality of men many women choose to father their children.

One thing I will never figure out is why you put yourselves into this position. I've known several women well enough to see deep into their personal lives and this is always the case. The few single mothers I do know who have good lives actually have decent men tied to their children who look out for their kids, their relationships/marriages just didn't work out. But the majority of them always were with the, 'loser' who had nothing to offer other than being a seed donor.

He smokes weed and goes out to the bars all the time. How do you get involved with someone when you know these things? If you don't know these things, how do you get involved to the point of allowing him to father your children?

Plenty of men out there who have problems with drugs, who are unemployable, irresponsible, felons, never married and have multiple kids with multiple women, etc. Yet so many of them are snatched up by women who are drawn to them and should know better. I honestly don't understand this.

This is not a slam on you, but seriously how does this become so common place? It almost seems like the norm.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Have you ever risked it when the pic just didn't do it for you?
Posted: 9/23/2009 7:57:56 PM

Yes, I had chatted with a gentleman on and off for over two months. I was not that excited about meeting him. Because in his picture well, lets just say he was not my type. Finally I decided why not? WOW! he was so much better looking in real life.


I get that a lot too. I clean up real well but I just don't photograph well. LOL
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
when it comes to being a father wanting to see his kids the system is BROKEN
Posted: 9/23/2009 7:03:09 PM
I have a friend who went through a custody battle with his ex-wife and it took 3 months to get his kids.

His wife decided to become a meth addict, he caught her smoking up with some strange guy in his home one night. He calls the police which won't bother with arresting her and in fact tells him to leave his own house for his protection in case she makes false claims, in which case he'd likely get arrested.

He gets kicked out of his own house and his young children spend the next 3 months with their doped up mother while he goes through the court system. The reason it only took 3 months is because she refused a court ordered drug screen, otherwise it might have been longer.

As a man seeking custody you're at a disadvantage before you even start.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 55 (view)
 
how long to wait???????
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:20:37 PM

ou have all ready given him 3 months. Why is she still living with him? Do they have seperate bedrooms? Why is he allowing this?


Depending on the circumstances of their residence, he may not be allowing it.

He may be waiting for her to leave on her own without having to evict her. You can't just make someone leave that's been living there unless they've been living there under false pretences (like not being listed on a lease). If they get mail there and it's not a rented property he may have to evict her when he's finally tired of her not going on her own.

There is a lot of detail missing from the story. There could be some reason she's holding on to him, or she could simply be leaching off the guy and living there for free.

Myself, I would never date someone who still lived with their ex, for this reason and many others.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:01:22 PM
I can relate. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so while I had a, 'father', I never had a, 'dad' present.

I was very lucky though as my friend's fathers looked after me. I went on vacation with my friend's family, and even did other, 'man' things with my friend and his father while growing up.

I currently have a friend who is a single mother and she has a 10 year old son. He's very much craving male influence in his life. I see him often and even do things with him once in awhile because he has no father in the picture. Out of the blue one day he tells me that he likes me a lot, I'm cool, and that I should marry his mother. Talk about getting caught off guard. While I'm flattered, I'm also a little scared for him (and his mom) because he's craving a father in his life so badly. I'm afraid that he'd latch on even to the bad influences if they were there for him. In the meantime, I'm hoping to continue to be able to do things with him on occasion and maybe be a positive influence in his life, even if only a little bit.

I wish I knew what to tell you other than he really does need a man in his life. It can be a family friend, even a grandfather is a good influence as the old generation has so much they can teach the young of today.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 242 (view)
 
what is child support meant for?
Posted: 9/20/2009 1:04:21 PM

From the way I have always viewed it ... unless otherwise dictated by legal documents, it is meant to be spent on anything that pertains to the upkeep of the child ... clothes, food, roof over their head, medical expenses, sports fees, heat, water.

I can even see that it could be spent for a doggone lawn mower. If you have children that need to play in their backyard and it needs to be mowed ... then it could be spent on a lawnmower.


And here is a prime example of what's wrong with the system. You can justify any use for the money and tell yourself it's OK to do so as long as you even very loosely tie it to the children.

I have a backyard and I don't have children, it still requires mowing though.

I know too many men who pay child support and their experiences with rationale like yours are the reason I will never have any children of my own. I will marry a woman who already has children, but I will never give her children.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Married Men -To date or not to date?
Posted: 9/19/2009 10:57:12 AM
For the most part married folks who date are looking for an easy, non-committed sexual relationship. They want their cake and eat it to.

They don't want to give up their stable life at home, their financial status, or their perception amonst friends and family. They have no intention of divorcing their spouse, but want a little strange on the side.

This isn't a slam on you, but I never understood how a single person could even contemplate seeing a married man/woman. I have a few female friends who have done it, and talked to me about it trying to figure out why. In each case, they slept with the married man after finding out they were married, and each one was gotten into bed pretty easily. They fit into 3 categories that I observed, single mothers who had nobody else in their life, low self esteem, or self loathing women who were easy prey to married men who had no intentions of going past a fling wit them.

And you mentioned you're trying to get over feelings for him. Would you really want to be involved with a man who cheats on his wife? Say he does get divorced and you marry him, would you really believe, 'he's not going to do that to me' ?

Best advice I can give you is to stay away from them. Not only are you going to get hurt in the end, but you may also have hurting the wife on your conscience. Granted she's going to be hurt eventually by his actions, but do you want to be, 'the one' responsible?
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Dancing With Another Man Besides Your Boyfriend/Spouse
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:04:34 PM

If you wouldn't do it in front of your lover, then you shouldn't be doing it, period. This goes for dancing, and pretty much everything else in life. If you have to think twice about it, then chances are you shouldn't do it.


Exactly.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 27 (view)
 
A Dangerous Perspective
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:01:13 PM


My thoughts: Given your profile as context, your post is self-justification. Most of us here will not help you rationalize adultery.


I agree.

Unfortunately too many of us here have been the victim of someone who felt, rationalized, justified their reasoning in this manner.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Is appropriate to sleep with your ex to get closure?
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:54:37 PM


A new guy that I have been seeing for approx 3 months just recently hooked up with his ex he saw off and on for a year to see if he had any feelings left for her. He told me that he felt bad that it might hurt US but in the end he was glad he did it otherwise he would have always wondered. Is this acceptable behavior for getting closure?



Well if you don't know enough run away after a thing like that I doubt there is anything we can say here will help.

Do y0u really want a cheater? If you're lucky you don't wind up with an STD or something, if you're unlucky and really love the guy he tells you in a few months that he's going to be a daddy on account of that, 'one last time' he had to have for closure.

Good luck with that, you're going to need it...
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
What do you do when the step children are determined to hate you??
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:33:04 PM
Personally I would never marry a woman with children if I didn't get along with them. There are so many forces in your life that can ruin a marriage, the other person's ex, step children, in-laws, etc. In those situations it was doomed before it started.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 29 (view)
 
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 9/16/2009 8:58:43 PM


Take a break = wanting to whore around

Yup...

An ex-gf asked me about this once, she thought maybe she'd date a few other guys to make sure I was the one. I remembered how easily she gave it up to me (and the boyfriend before me that she told me about), I told her that a break = breakup and it would be final. I didn't care what she did before we got together, but if she sleeps with someone else after me that I didn't want her back.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Question for the guys about dating and children
Posted: 9/16/2009 7:06:26 PM


Quick off topic post, this happened to my buddy LITERALLY 5 months ago.


Him: Marries woman he loves, marrid 12 years, 3 kids under 10.

She cheats on him, decides to leave him for the guy she was cheating with, in the heat of a fight over it she screams at him, "you're half the man he is, you couldn't even get me preganant". Needless to say, he orders a paternity test, guess what? All the kids aren't his.

She divorces him, where i live it's a 50/50 state, she got half of everything.

The judge ruled that my friend was responsible for child support because the biological father couldn't "be produced, and he had accepted the role as the father during the marriage".

So he lost half of what he owned because his wife cheated, and LEFT him for the guy she cheated with, AND is paying child support for kids that aren't his.

OH YEAH, i forgot to tell you, you wanna know why he wasn't awarded the custody he fought for? He wasn't the biological father.

Father enough to pay, not father enough to raise.

Interesting right?


When I was going through my divorce two different lawyers I consulted with told me to get the marriage over ASAP when I told them my wife was living with her new boyfriend. They told me if she got pregnant I'd get nailed with it initially and it would be a drawn out and expensive process to try to correct unless the real father stepped up to claim fatherhood.

If you're married when a child is born it is assumed that it is your child legally. Also, if you take on the father role of a child you don't know is yours in a marriage it is also your responsibility afterward. The laws were made to keep moms off the welfare rolls, unfortunately, being, 'right' takes a backseat to that.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
How important ....
Posted: 9/16/2009 6:41:25 PM
It depends on the context. Some people say it to just say it. If it's genuine, then it's enough. As far as actions, thoughtfulness and respect reinforce the words.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 188 (view)
 
she has been diagnosed with bipolarism
Posted: 9/15/2009 10:08:23 PM
The only thing I know about it is a friend of mine has it. She's very well adjusted though and admits it is solely due to her medications.

She had to go through a few different meds before the doctors found one that would work on her. Before she told me about that I saw her as moody at times, but never a bad, mean, or dangerous person. I never guessed she was bipolar, and I guess I just attributed her mild moodiness to her monthly visitor.

Her only fear is that if she were ever to lose her insurance and ability to pay for her meds that she would lose what the good life the meds have given her back. She has a really nice boyfriend and has her life together pretty well, better than most, 'stable' people I know.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 719 (view)
 
Would you sign a prenuptial agreement?
Posted: 9/15/2009 9:16:56 PM


What so many people who are against prenupts fail to see is how brutal and vindictive we can all be when we are hurt, angry and feel betrayed. This isn't something you can possibly understand unless you have personally experienced divorce or witnessed someone close to you going through divorce.

During a seperation, honour, empathy, consideration, are, more often then not, completely thrown out the window and people chase the only thing they can get: things, money etc. Women are VERY guilty of this whether or not they choose to admit it.

Prenups are very necessary to protect each other from each other. This is also why laws exist, again to protect each other from each other.


Exactly.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 717 (view)
 
Would you sign a prenuptial agreement?
Posted: 9/15/2009 8:58:27 PM


I don't have an option in all honesty. I have to protect my children before any man. I have a great deal of inheritance when my mother passes away and it is meant to see my children thru college since i'm already an adult. I can't risk jeopardizing their futures because I was impulsive. And i'm also set to inherit my family's 100+ yr old farm... that's something that MUST stay in MY family.
So yes, there WILL be a pre-nup or I will be not be marrying again.


Thank you daydreamin honey, that is exactly how a man who has assets to protect thinks. And as a man who has accumulated a certain level of wealth in his lifetime, I'd be happy to sign a pre-nup if I were engaged to someone like you.

We don't plan on falling our of love or divorcing, but having the protection for BOTH of you sure makes taking the plunge an easier decision doesn't it?

I've known too many men in their 40s and 50s who are starting over when they should be thinking about retirement. I know I don't want to wake up 50 years old and trying to start over with a 30 year mortgage or lose half of my retirement savings.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 37 (view)
 
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/15/2009 8:42:18 PM

He told me he hid is profile on here after our second date and so did I. However he is listed as one of my favorites so I can still see when he comes on this site. I only come on to check his activity and I hate that I do, but the trust has been broken and needs rebuilt and feel I'd be a fool if I didn't. He will go days without getting on here, but still gets on here. It really bothers me and am worried things are going to end up the same way. I wasn't enough before and maybe I'm not enough now. I don't want to blow anything by being pushy or moving to fast, because I adore him and feel he is the one for me. So what do I do?


Is it possible that maybe he's logging in to see if you are too? If you can see him logging in, maybe he can see you logging in to check up on him.

Just a thought.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 665 (view)
 
Would you sign a prenuptial agreement?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:42:11 PM


I seriously don't think I'll be getting married. If having to sign a prenup is a requirement, I know I won't be getting married. It's insulting as can be because it says that he believes "money talks" when it comes to me. If that's what he thinks of me, I'm not the girl for him.

Hearts are bound by love, not contracts.


Prenups aren't for hearts bound by love, they are for hearts no-longer-bound by love.

I would expect a woman to sign a prenup if she wasn't bringing much into the marriage, and I would fully expect to sign one if I married a woman who had a lot more to lose than I do in a divorce.

Most folks that don't agree with them fall into one of two categories that I've seen:

1) Niave, they believe that their love will never end no matter what.
2) Would wind up on the winning side of a divorce, meaning they didn't bring anything to the partnership and only stand to gain financially in divorce.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Where to meet people that are datable over 30?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:26:31 PM
I wish I knew myself where to meet dateable singles.

We're all too old for the bars and clubs, we're out of school, that doesn't leave many options does it?

I guess that leaves church, I'm not a religious fella though so I'm at a loss. I've been in long term relationships all my adult life, so years go by between my dating opportunities.

If you figure it out, please share it with the rest of us in similar circumstances.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 48 (view)
 
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:16:46 PM


You must be kidding with this comment. When someone in any relationship
cheats its on them - No - it doesnt take two - it takes ONE to have no
character, morals, integrity, honor or anything else that is of value in a
relationship.

Its not you - its her. This is all on her. This was her decision. This
was her cowardness.

She is plain and simple - a cheat and a liar and a selfish whore to not
come to you and seek solace with another man.

No one twisted her arm- no one gave her reason for her actions except
herself.

YOU did nothing. Do NOT carry any guilt. SHE did it - her ACTIONS.

OP- it takes time and it sounds like you have a great support system.

If you start dating just tell the women up front your needs, disires and
wants out of a relationship - be honest, unlike your wife.


Good advice here.

I was 10 years invested in my relationship when my ex-wife did something similar. It didn't take long before she found out the new guy, and the guy after him weren't prince charming.

Ironically she told me the last time we talked that life with me wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. She found out that the grass wasn't greener after all when the newness wore out in her new relationships. She was unhappy, pregnant, broke, and permanently tied to a guy she didn't want to be with anymore.

She's on her third marriage now. I haven't talked to her in 10 years now, but I'd be very surprised if she found happiness. She's probably still looking at the grass next pasture over.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Question for the guys about dating and children
Posted: 9/14/2009 5:23:02 PM

Remember,not ALL women are like that. You've had bad experiences. And it makes me sad to hear of women dissing the father of their children in front of their children. And remember not ALL dad's become a scarce trace element. I've been seperated from my sons dad since my son was a baby. He has ALWAYS been there for our son,always payed for him,always picks him up when he says,always supported and loves him very much. He has the wee one over night twice a week and picks him up from school,takes him for dinner,takes him on holiday. I would never bad mouth him in front of my son,nor would my son ever refer to anyone as dad,other than his own dad. Your experience with this is NOT the way every woman is.


You are a rare example Lucylia, more the exception and not the norm.

Most single mothers I've known do not have the biological father in the picture to the extent you do. Most are only around for holidays and birthdays, and some not at all.

Now to be fair, a lot of men abandon the children and figure paying child support is their way of providing, substituting money for time and nurturing. A lot of women also don't want the father around either, the reasons vary but the end result for the child is the same no matter who decided the father shouldn't be in the picture much if at all.

Most single mothers I've known rely heavily on their boyfriends for help with the kids, espcially if she has a son. Things that would normally be fatherly duties are likely to be picked up by or pushed onto the boyfriend. And that's ok, I understand. I just had issue with many women's statements that they are, 'not looking for a daddy for their kids'. They many time are looking if not for daddy, then a surrogate who helps out where the father is absent. I suppose that's where men get the idea of, 'instant dad' from.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
the logistics of relationships
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:55:28 PM
Personally, I would suggest that you pick one house and move into it. The other one can be kept as a rental property.

As you mentioned, what happens if you split up? Well if you both keep your properties then you never have to worry about where to go if things go bad.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:31:24 PM


I still say he knew what he was getting into when he married her and he knew the situation of the house! Maybe all 4 of them , husband, wife, his mom and her mom should have sat down and discussed the details.

And.. its not a matter of him working hard for his money as someone said.. they both work hard, they both earn the money, they both decided together to live in moms house that she calls hers and moms on the deed. They both knew what was going on and they both went ahead with it.

Nothing was hidden that we know of.

So live with it or move on and buy your own house seperate from all this mess they both got themselves into!


Well, we still don't seem to know the whole story here. The OP claims she thought everything was going to be, 'OURS' once they married. It turns out that it's everything but the house that's going to be, 'OURS'.

Maybe they didn't discuss it then, maybe she was supposed to put him on the deed/loan and didn't. We don't know these things. If he truly knew what he was getting into at the time of the marriage (no name on the house) then he doesn't have the right to change his mind now. If he was promised the full realm of, 'OURS' then he has every right to expect her to live up to her side.

Having been through a divorce, I can tell you that unless you're protected you're in grave danger of losing your financial stability in a divorce if you didn't happen to marry someone of equal financial standing. I've been there, and coincidentally so has my sister who married a guy who earned about 1/3 of what she does. She had to pay him a lot of money to make a 50/50 split at the divorce, even though basic math shows that her 3;1 income over his means she paid a lot more into the house, retirement, and savings than he did.

The OP asked why people think about divorce, the , 'what if?' scenario when they marry. Anyone who has ever been through divorce does think about it. We don't plan on it, as we don't plan to get divorced, but we weren't expecting it the first time either. We've learned that people change, they get spiteful, and we're all disposable when it comes to divorce. Out of the couple dozen people I know who have been divorced only two I can think of have had equal and fair divorce proceedings. All of them started out in love, and most of them turned into a nasty grab fest when things didn't work out.

With the divorce rate as high as it is, you'd better be thinking about it, which is different than expecting it. Just like anything else in life, you better have a backup plan if things don't go as planned. Otherwise, you just might wind up 50 years old and starting over again with nothing to your name. It might be harsh, but reality often is.
 stafford_jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 104 (view)
 
Married. So Why Is My Home Not His Home?
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:15:58 PM

I don't agree that marriage should only happen if everybody brings the same thing to the table.

As to the earlier question about reversed roles: I have my own assets and properties and if I were to marry and move into my husband's house, I would not expect him to put me on the title of his home, nor can he expect me to add his name to my titles. I would certainly expect to pay a fair share for my living there. I look at it as a comparison to renting. No matter where I live, I'll have to pay to live there. There should be a discussion as to what's fair for each party.


Ah, but you have your own assets, that's a different story. If you choose to marry a man with little means (since we can't choose who we fall in love with, it's a possibility) what would your outlook be then? If I loved a woman who brought the same to the table and had just as much to lose in divorce as I, I would have the same exact outlook as you.


The OP never said how his share of the payment compared to him paying rent somewhere. There's a pretty good chance that he's paying less than what rent would be, since Arkansas is not a high property value area, like San Francisco Bay area or other cities/states are. What if the house has been owned for a while and the mortgage payment is only $ 300 per month? We don't have any of that information. We don't have a comparison to what he'd have to pay for rent. What if the house is completely under water, like so many homes these days? Would he be willing to pay the difference to what the house is worth vs what is owed? I doubt it.


Here in the U.S. (I'm not sure where you live), it doesn't work that way. The courts are not going to figure that you would have paid rent if you weren't living there while dividing assets and debt. Any assets that appreciate and any debt accumulated is 50/50 split. This is minus the equity she had prior to the marriage.

Coincidentally, if he were also on the home loan he would be repsonsible for half the negative equity as well if it was an upside down loan. It's not a matter if he'd be willing to pay the difference, he'd be required to as he would assume the debt as well.

You can have all the, 'what's fair' discussions you want, but in the end it won't make a bit of difference in court. It's not a legal out for her to keep the equity if the marriage goes bad.


They've only been married 7 months. How can he expect to own part of the house that she had before they were married?

As to the selling of the house. This is not a good time for anyone to sell a property and people should avoid it at all cost


Well he can't expect it but he certainly does. It's not exactly obvious, but he does.

Maybe she has $20K of equity on a home worth $100K today. But what if someday they divorce and the house has appreciated to $300K? She's still safe on her $20K of equity before the marriage, but he's entitled to half the profit/worth of the remaining $280K if it's paid off.
 
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