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 Author Thread: Joke about Jesus Christ
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
Joke about Jesus Christ
Posted: 3/1/2013 1:50:51 AM
A drunk is walking through the woods when he comes about a stream, he is shocked to see a priest standing in the water. The priest becomes him to come closer, so he does.

The Priest: Tell me son, are you ready to FIND JESUS?

The drunk: Sure I'll give it a go.

So the priest dunks the drunks head under the water and pulls it back up.

The Priest: Tell me son...DID YA FIND JESUS?

The Drunk: Nope not yet.

The priest slightly annoyed dunks his head again, pulls it back up and asks he question.

The Priest: Tell me son...HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?

The Drunk: Still not found him.

All annoyed the priest grabs his head again dunks it and holds his head under the water for a minute bringing him back up he asks.

The Priest: Tell me son...DID YOU FIND JESUS?

The Drunk: Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 200 (view)
Posted: 1/27/2012 7:35:39 AM

One day three blondes were walking down the beach when they saw that something had washed up on the beach.

The first blonde shouts, "Look it's a dinosaur!"

The second blonde says, "No stupid. It's the Titanic. Duh."

The third blonde chuckles. "You're both dumb. It's obviously a genie in a bottle." So she proceeds to pick up the bottle and rub it. Sure enough! A genie pops out!

The genie stretched and looks around to find the three blondes. "Normally," the genie said, "I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish."

The first blonde steps forward. "Ok, I don't like being a dumb blonde so I want to be 50% smarter."

The genie bobs his head and says, "Done." He turns her into a brunette.

The second blonde says, "I don't like being a dumb blonde either so I want to be 100% smarter!" The genie turns her into a redhead.

The last blonde ponders her wish for a moment and finally says, "I LIKE being a dumb blonde. I want to be 100% dumber."

The genie turns her into a man.
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 193 (view)
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2011 12:41:08 AM
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I smacked the chit out of him....
Like his mother used to do.

I love a good poem, don't you?!?!
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 33 (view)
Dateing in your 70ies
Posted: 8/3/2011 9:31:05 PM
Nope, I didn't do it right
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 32 (view)
Dateing in your 70ies
Posted: 8/3/2011 9:29:15 PM

you older guys have you given up too?. I understand there are less fish in the pond but is it to late for the chase?I would like to tell her she is wrong and keep looking.

(hope I did that
thing right)
I am in my mid 60s, and I find men my age seem a lot older than me. The men that interest me are about 5 years younger than me. There are plenty of men in their 70s looking. Some have approached me, but I don't want an old guy that I'll have to take care of in his old age. Then again, I met a guy camping and discovered he was in his 80s. Looked pretty good, too. And very active. Just goes to show -- you never can tell. Tell your mother to never settle. It would be better to be alone than settle for less than she wants.
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 155 (view)
The Importance of Walking
Posted: 4/7/2011 8:19:15 PM
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate...

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 154 (view)
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/2/2011 12:06:02 AM
I've never done this before ....... Hope this posts OK. I just saw this "Forums" link in the top of the PoF page. I've never seen it before. Hope I find it again.

Here's my cutsie poem:

Redneck Romance

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still

You can't marry Will, My Gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mamma knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to pappy."
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 2282 (view)
My Joke Thread.
Posted: 1/30/2010 6:01:08 PM
Kermit Wants a Loan

Kermit Jagger, a frog, walks into a Bank of America branch and tells the teller he wants a $50,000 loan. She tells him he will have to see Ms. Patricia Whack to get approval for such a loan.

He met Ms. Whack to ask for the $50,000 loan. Ms Whack asked him what he has for collateral. He gives her a 2 inch ceramic statue. She tells him that she will have to talk to the Vice President to approve such a loan.

She walks into the Vice President's office and says, "There is some crazy frog out there who wants a $50,000 loan, and look what he's giving for collateral." "What the heck is this!" she exclaimed as she holds up the small trinket.

The Vice President says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 35 (view)
Dumb Blonde Jokes..
Posted: 11/21/2009 10:08:26 AM
A pretty blonde decided to make some money by doing odd jobs for folks.

She stopped at this nice yellow house in the country and asked the man answering the door if he had any work to do around his place. The man replied "Actually I would like a new coat of paint on my porch. How much will you charge for that?" She said $50. He told her the yellow paint and all brushes were on the side of the house.

Later the blonde comes back to the door and tells the man she is finished and said that she had paint left over so she gave it a second coat. He paid her the $50. Before leaving she said "By the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes".
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