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 Author Thread: Oh the joys of LDRs
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Oh the joys of LDRs
Posted: 1/6/2019 3:01:13 PM
I've been posting in the forums for around 10 years so I know there is a lot of curiosity about LDRs. Over the years I've been involved in many LDR (300-3000 miles). Once upon a time a couple forumites asked my opinion and advice about LDRs and I wrote a long email response (~4000 words, about 4.5 pages in Word). I'd now like to try to get this response published (i.e. paid for) but would like a fresh set of eyes to review it. Please PM me if you are willing to read and provide feedback. Particularly looking for people who have tried LDR or are LDR-curious. I will need your personal email so I can send the pdf.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 288 (view)
 
Are Women on POF Just Looking For a Ego Boost ?
Posted: 9/19/2018 3:34:52 PM

Agreed, and with this #MeToo era we're living in, God forbid a man strike up a conversation with a pretty lady for fear of being branded a sexual predator.

Calling total BS on that one.

The #MeToo movement isn't about getting chatted up by a stranger. It's about being sexually assaulted, raped, and other forms of sexual intimidation. HUGE difference between the forms of assault under MeToo and casual conversation.

If you don't know the difference then you're fortunate to not have had to learn the difference.

- Yup, it's no fun for a man living in a "woman good - man bad" society.

#MeToo isn't about that either. These women are not saying men are bad, they're saying some specific man assaulted them and up until now society has made them keep quiet because men were believed and women were blamed for 'asking for it.'

You'll need to find something else to blame for your lack of success on other than women being sexually assaulted in their past.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 245 (view)
 
When's the last time you met someone in real life to date?
Posted: 9/9/2018 10:25:10 AM

Turn towards her and say, “Smile!”

Ohh that's about guaranteed to piss me off. Where do complete strangers get the idea they can/should tell me how to feel?

Like most people, my resting face is not a smile and if you're seeing my resting face then it generally means I'm thinking of something at the moment that isn't about attracting a man, or attracting any conversation from a stranger. If I did want to invite conversation, then I would already be smiling.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Nasty messages
Posted: 8/26/2018 7:55:26 PM
Worst message I received was about 8 years ago from a total stranger - I hadn't even looked at his profile. Can't remember why he thought I was such a horrible person but he ended with I would never get a man and should kill myself now.

I blocked him so he created another profile to write to me again.

I blocked that one. So he edited his own profile with a message like 'Cynthia you are blah blah blah'

So I did a tineye search on his photo that got a hit on a real estate agent in the town listed on his profile so I removed the block to write to him saying leave me alone or i'd forward his messages to his boss at xyz company. (Although I really wouldn't have because I wasn't certain the photo wasn't stolen). Still, I never heard from him again.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Older gentleman with kids
Posted: 8/18/2018 6:42:53 AM

My profile states that I am an empty nester seeking someone in the same stage of life. The time for one's time, energy, and finances being tied to kids is over. Now it is Couples Time.

+1
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 15 (view)
 
So I guess he's still with his significant other?
Posted: 8/18/2018 6:29:16 AM
She's not his "significant other", she is his WIFE.
You are his piece on the side.
He's probably glad you broke up with him; makes it a lot easier for him to find another piece on the side who isn't (yet) that crazy biatch he has to worry will tell his WIFE about him sneaking out during work.

Your story is a dime a dozen.
T.R.A.I.N.W.R.E.C.K
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Living at home.
Posted: 8/18/2018 5:51:53 AM

How crazy is it to be living in a different state and having all your lives needlessly slip away separately, instead of being together to enjoy together whatever time you all have left?

About the most touching thing I've seen fullmoonguy post.
Also +1
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Serious Love Song Lyrics: Post your Favorite
Posted: 8/11/2018 3:17:17 PM
Snow Patrol = Open Your Eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 13 (view)
 
How many good second dates have you gone on in the past 5 years?
Posted: 8/11/2018 2:03:39 PM

What even constitutes a date? Going out somewhere? Or are home hookups included?

To me, a date is any time I'm meeting a man who has the potential to become a romantic partner at an arranged time and place. In this case a home hookup could be a date but I don't do home hookups. I'm one of those weirdos who consider a first meet a date.

How many people have you gone on a second date with and had it be a good second date?

I lose track but I think I've had one or two second dates in the last 5 years. Zero were good; just confirmed there shouldn't have been a second.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 30 (view)
 
What dating mode are you in?
Posted: 7/21/2018 9:01:07 PM
I came to POF with intent 2a. But 5 yrs of dating beat that right out of me.

Been in #10 mode for more than 5 yrs now. Every so often I miss having a close male companion but then I realize I'm in #9 mode.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Do women want to be judged on their looks?
Posted: 7/21/2018 8:35:42 PM
Yawn

blah blah blah blah blah women suck blah blah blah
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 265 (view)
 
Best song one liners/lyrics you love
Posted: 7/7/2018 10:39:14 AM
Wanderlust by Delays
She sounds like a young Madonna when she was at her best

Can you hear that knocking in your soul?
No, you don't listen
Can you hear that knocking overload?
No, you don't listen

Never see the high beyond the low
No wonder, you lay twitching
Do you share the rush to be alone?
Come over, we'll go missing

We'll go where there's no snow
We'll go and they won't know
But just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do, do do do, ah ah ah

Can you hear that knocking in your soul?
No wonder, you don't listen

We'll go where there's no snow
But just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do, do do do
Just please don't give me your word

All that matters is the music tonight
Just please don't give me yours
All that matters is the music tonight
But you don't listen
But you don't listen
Oh, you don't listen

So we'll go run and run until we start again
Yeah, we'll, run and run and run away
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 7 (view)
 
6 Classes of Single Moms
Posted: 7/2/2018 6:01:11 PM
Type 6.

My ex-husband and son's father was an active father after the divorce but I'd worked while married at about the same pay as ex so didn't get alimony (didn't even ask for it). We shared son 50/50 so neither of us paid the other child support.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Long Distance Relationship
Posted: 6/29/2018 7:00:21 PM
I have a lot of personal experience with LDRs. In hindsight I don't think any fell apart because of the distance but the distance makes it easier to decide to breakup because the 'gain' isn't worth the 'pain'. It also makes it easier to move on after the breakup because you won't run into them and otherwise 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Put things into perspective though; MOST relationships fail so OF COURSE most LDR fail. To have any chance of success, LDRs require both people in the relationship to have what I'll call 'advanced relationship skills.' These are things like, to name only a few, multi-media communication skills (i.e. phone, text, email, in person), trust, patience, delayed gratification, ability to handle disappointment, and ability to have empathy and compassion for your partner when they are missing you too.

Long distance relationships are extremely difficult even in the same state or country or continent. Inter-continental is very low chance of success. That said, my uncle (from the U.S.) met a woman (from Germany) while on vacation and they managed to build a relationship over the 7 years it took to convince her to move to the U.S. and get married. They were still crazy about each other 30+ years later when she died. So I have a real life example of an inter-continental relationship working.

How did they do it? He went to Germany periodically, she came to the U.S. periodically, and they met in other locations periodically. Same as a couple of my LDR (east coast/west coast); I went there, he came here, and we met elsewhere in the U.S. That takes time and money so even if you have those advanced relationship skills you still may not be able to make it work due to lack of time and money.

Personally I've given up on LDRs because the pain isn't worth the gain. Being in a LDR means you have all the responsibility to behave like a person who is off the market, but you're living like a single person; you eat alone, drive alone, shop alone, sleep alone, go to family gatherings alone, etc. And your daily routine changes so that you can be available to chat with your friend at whatever time your respective timezones work out to. In other words, how much of your daily life, or social life, will be put on hold so you can skype with your friend each evening between 5-8 your time? How much sleep will you lose so you can skype with your friend at 3am your time?

That's my .02
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Does anyone entertain at home anymore?
Posted: 6/29/2018 6:01:43 PM
SS4544Spd

Sure you can. What about a spirited game of musical chair?

Oh baby! Not just musical chairs but spirited musical chairs. I'm in.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Her new job is getting in the way
Posted: 6/25/2018 8:37:40 AM
Hell must be freezing over because I agree with Hemingway.

A restaurant that 'closes' at 9pm means they don't seat any new diners after 9pm. But someone who puts their order in at 8:45 (for example) gets their food around 9:15, eats until 10pm.

The servers and kitchen are cleaning up until 10:30-11ish. Depending on the type of restaurant, the servers and bus staff may have to do a lot of the surface cleaning (the janitorial staff does stuff like the floors and bathrooms) and they can't do the diningroom work while there are still customers eating. Like, a restaurant that does breakfast lunch and dinner service the night staff has to change over all table settings from dinner to breakfast setting. That's considered rude to rush the last diners by changing the tables around them. The cashier can't close the till until the last person pays.

Even at a fast food place there is quite a lot to do between serving the last customer and locking the door.

OP, not only does your post exhibit unreasonable trust issues, the reason for questioning her is because you want the relationship to be the way it used to be - that she's still available to go out late any night you want. People grow and change. Relationships adapt or end. Just because you're selfish wanting things to be the way they were, don't project it onto her being untrustworthy.

I think Penny had the right advice


You're going to end up being alone if you continue to act like a child.
 Cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Does anyone entertain at home anymore?
Posted: 6/24/2018 11:37:04 AM
Yes, one of the San Juan islands but I'm inKirkland now.

I'm looking for a van the size of a sprinter or transit, not some land yacht with sliders. Already joined a Facebook group for women rvers but I'm not much of a joiner.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Does anyone entertain at home anymore?
Posted: 6/24/2018 9:36:36 AM
I do not entertain at home anymore because I don't actually have a home. But I used to entertain quite a lot.

When I was married my husband's birthday is in April and we lived at a ski area, just off the main slope, so we hosted a 'birthday/end of ski season/welcome spring' party. That was an open invitation to all the locals and usually well attended. Likewise, there were a handful of other people who hosted 'open house' parties. When you may have 20-30+feet of snow for several months, snowmobile is the main transport, no phone/tv/internet, and months of dealing with rude and stupid touristas; it wasn't reciprocity so much as a way for a very small community to be a community rather than a smattering of people in the forest. This was during a less polarized political environment, plus our focus was mainly on local events that impacted our ability to work and live in 'deep snow country' so conversations rarely ran into troubled territory.

My ex-husband works in TV so when we moved to the flat-lands we put a movie theater in our house and hosted parties focused around the big screen like the Superbowl, the Olympics, or movie marathons like watching all 3 LoTR or Star Wars trilogy (with breaks for lunch and/or dinner). These were usually pot luck so it didn't matter who, or how many, showed up. And were usually well attended.

After the divorce I moved to a small island - less than 1,000 people (but hundreds of weekenders) and only 1 general store/post office/restaurant/bar, that you can only get to by ferry. I picked that island because my sister lived there, so I'd already met many people, and it has a wonderful community atmosphere to it. Entertaining at home rises and falls with whatever else is happening on the island. For example, the first few years I lived there I didn't entertain at home at all because there were so many other options. Most of my social circle met at the Store for dinner on Friday so no one was the host and it didn't matter who did or didn't show up. October through May a group of ladies prepared and served lunch on Thursdays at the community center. Everyone is welcome and that usually attracts not only residents but often workers on the island (e.g. the mail lady or residential construction crews). I loved these lunches because it was, mostly, a different group than the Friday night Store people. Then, my sister is a fantastic cook and loves to host parties so smaller gatherings were usually at her house.

Then the Store was sold and the new owners were so horrible that most of the islanders stopped going there. So for a few years, I and a small group of friends (and my sister) traded off hosting Friday night dinner at our homes. The host provided appetizer, main course, and beverage. Guests usually also brought an appetizer, wine, and dessert. No shortage of food. This was usually the same number of people but sometimes there might be friends or relatives 'up for the weekend' so there'd be additional people I may or may not have met before.

Then the Store was sold to an islander so locals started going back for socializing Friday or Saturday night but not like 'the good old days.' So my core social group is continuing with trading off the weekly dinner host.

But for years I've been planning to sell my house and move into some form of mobile unit. I've downsized my possessions and moved out of my house into an 'efficiency unit' on the mainland until my job ends this month. No way to host people here; I don't even have a table and only 1 chair But I've been enjoying the solitude. Thought I'd be getting my campervan and heading on the road this month but decided to work another 6 months. I've read a lot of blog posts and watched a lot of videos about van life and they caution about loneliness and ways to build/find community on the road. Apparently people do host/entertain in spaces as small as a camper van so I shall see about that. Some time next year.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 2 (view)
 
why do I have no luck with girls?
Posted: 6/16/2018 7:04:33 AM
Your profile says you're looking for a man. You may want to fix that.

You should also get a profile review and make the changes they suggest.

Otherwise there is not enough information in your post to even guess why lesbians don't want to date you. You have a full body bikini picture that shows you don't have a remotely masculine body, so anyone who prefers a female shape should at least be attracted to you visually. If you can't hook a meet or date from there, then start looking at your personality and communication style.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 25 (view)
 
why do do many women have body type = thin
Posted: 6/13/2018 8:33:00 AM
Everyone has their own definition of what each body type means. Not saying that one person's "thin" is another person's "obese" but one person's "average" is another person's "a few extra pounds" or "thin". So it isn't necessarily lying if you have a different interpretation than the person put on their profile.

Of course some people do lie when they purposefully select a body type that doesn't match their own interpretation.

But OP is a typical worthless rant. There's nothing to be gained by whining people don't behave the way you want them to; take responsibility for yourself. The obvious solution is to look at the pic and decide if that person is attractive to you or not, regardless of what they selected for body type. No pic? There's always the [next] button.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 23 (view)
 
oh, i'm definitely fool enough.
Posted: 6/13/2018 7:04:29 AM

PlutoLover68 and NewYorker58 live in my town. Cooldog lives a few cities south. If I encountered either of them, I'd smile and say hi.

Not too far south of where I currently live. But looking for property in your area to expand the business I own with my son. So, hopefully, the end of this year I'll be moving to the FW area to oversee the build-out and opening.

OT - I have run into people IRL that I recognized from POF dating side and said 'hi'. It never lead to anything more than a few minutes conversation but that's ok. Last summer I was sitting in the food court area of a local mall where totally out of the blue a man chatted me up for about 30 min. I didn't give him my contact info but a couple months later he wrote to me through POF. Funny thing was that, while we were chatting IRL neither of us recognized that we'd previously exchanged email through POF. And when he wrote to me a few months later, he didn't recognize that we'd met IRL. Guess it's time to get new pics.

P.S. Plutolover68 - fabulous new pic.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 64 (view)
 
You know you are getting OLD when...
Posted: 6/2/2018 3:46:33 PM
Not only do I not feel like working on my house or yard all day, or evening after work, I don't feel like owning a house at all anymore.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 262 (view)
 
Best song one liners/lyrics you love
Posted: 6/2/2018 3:38:56 PM
Every Kind Of People

Said the fight to make ends meet
Keeps a man upon his feet
Holding down his job
Trying to show he can't be bought

Ooh it takes every kinda people
To make what life's about, yeah
Every kinda people
To make the world go 'round

Someone's looking for a lead
In his duty to a King or to a creed
Protecting what he feels is right
Fights against wrong with his life

There's no profit in deceit
Honest men know that
Revenge does not taste sweet

Whether yellow, black or white
Each and every man's the same inside

...
You know that love's the only goal
That could bring a peace to any soul

Hey and every man's the same
He wants the sunshine in his name

It takes every kinda people
To make what life's about,

This reminds me of the famous quote from Benjamin Franklin - never President but a Founder and true (imperfect) hero.


"We must all hang together, or we shall assuredly all hang separately"
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 261 (view)
 
Best song one liners/lyrics you love
Posted: 6/2/2018 1:42:55 PM
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
If you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name

Name by Goo Goo Dolls
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Hi
Posted: 5/30/2018 7:26:11 PM
I can't speak to whether the profile's words are helping or hurting because I didn't get past the pictures.

Frankly, I'm stumped why you would include a picture with a beautiful blonde, with her shirt open to her waist, and her hand on your arm (a possessive gesture)? Why would you think that is a good picture on a dating profile where you're trying to attract a woman who isn't that one? That's not being mean or sarcastic; it's asking a basic question that should lead you engage in a bit of reflection about what you put into your profile (or leave out of your profile) and why.

Remove the pic in bed. So many women already think men are only looking for sex; no reason to play into that stereotype.

Remove the pic of you not smiling; it's not attractive and you already have a couple pics that are.

I like the pic in the suit. Try switching between that one as your main pic and your current main pic to see if you get a different response.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 27 (view)
 
What is your max distance?
Posted: 5/27/2018 10:20:30 PM
I used to not have a maximum distance which lead to a number of LDRs; Seattle to New York, to Connecticut, to DC, to Santa Fe, 4 to eastern Washington (300 miles over a mountain pass and across the desert), to an island that added 40 min to 2 hrs to the commute (depending on how many ferry runs the backup was), and to a different island that required 2 different ferries to get there.

About 5 yrs ago I lost interest in dating so I made my max distance 5 minute drive outside my normal daily commute. May be why I average about 1 meet per year. I'm ok with that.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Buying a home for your parents
Posted: 5/27/2018 10:02:22 PM
It would make a difference to me whether the man had his own space separate from the parents, like upstairs/downstairs with separate entrances, or a MIL unit. Many cultures have multi-generational homes so it isn't that weird a concept. However, I am not of any of those cultures. I would not date a man where I'd be bumping into his parents.

OP makes it sound all noble getting his parents into a house but didn't actually answer the question, why do they need a house? Why do they want a house? Where are they living now? Do they want to live with their adult child? Answering those questions would provide some insight into the kind of parent-child relationship here and whether the man is a little too close to his parents for me to consider a relationship.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Do you tell the person your not interested or ghost after a good date?
Posted: 5/27/2018 9:34:38 PM
The vast majority of the time I write to them a day or so after and say something to the effect of 'we're not a match, good luck.' There were a few first meets that were pretty obvious there was no interest in a second get together so I didn't send an email follow-up to put the nail in it. Not sure if that qualifies as ghosting since I'm pretty sure he wasn't looking for any more communication either.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 128 (view)
 
Is talking everyday too needy or clingy?
Posted: 5/25/2018 6:35:49 AM
I most agree with Igor in post 12

No matter how "into her" he is, it will still be WHY she calls that will drive him away or not.

Getting in touch for practical reasons is fine. Calling in the middle of someone trying to get something done, just to pitch mewling sounds at them over the phone gets old fast. And clingy "checkups" are Right Out.

I HATE talking on the phone and dislike texting only a little less. But I used to talk on the phone for hours, periodically (not every day or every week even) with a former SO because he had interesting things to say.

We would video chat most evenings rather than interrupt whatever need doing throughout the day. Texts, or calls, during the work day interrupt my thought process or meetings I need to pay attention to, so that would be annoying no matter how much I like someone.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 152 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/20/2018 9:54:02 AM

" it's a test of whether he is assertive and confident enough that I won't be able to walk all over him."
>>>again, there's a diff between wanting to walk over your partner, taking advice from your partner, and accepting leadership from your partner. There's a difference between "I want to share" and "I want to be sure I can't walk all over you." I know this b/c I don't look to walk all over people, so therefore I don't bother to test if I can walk all over people.

Frankly mustang, after all these years in the forums I had higher expectations for you. You're losing the forest due to one tree.

there are people who think walking all over others is leadership, I get that. like some people confuse c0ckiness with confidence. Some people confuse "leadership" with "lead dog"--I've had people insist leadership is from the front, never from behind. But plenty of good leaders give orders and then let their underlings work on their own.

Are you speaking in generalities here or are you extrapolating from one sentence to my partnership/leadership skills in general? If the later than your ass-umption is wrong again. I work as a scrum master which is described, literally, as a leader-servant role. It is my job, and I'm very good at it because it is my nature, to bring out the best in individuals and teams by leveraging their best qualities so they can be self-managed teams and individuals.

I know I've had to deal with disruptive children and let them lead the group--all they wanted was attention, and when they had it, everyone was surprised at what discipline they suddenly had. instead of fighting them, I put them to work.

Always entertaining when someone who has never raised a child tries to instruct a parent on how to work with a disruptive child. In this era of the ‘too precious child’ many children, particularly introverts, are disruptive because they are overwhelmed by attention.

if you are a Type A, then yes, waiting for a man to speak up is a perfect filter. Shy people will just get walked over by you, and neither one of you will be happy in the long run. I've known women who wanted a guy to put her in her place, and felt she was sharing all the other times. Your test does the trick--it finds people suited for you. And it saves the unsuited from you :)

I am not a type A at all. It is your own projection run amok that thinks I’m looking for a man who can put me in my place. I’ve already said I’m looking for an equal and I don’t abuse people so my equal would, likewise, not be abusive.

Julystorm posted on another thread that you’re participating on

Alpha - leaders, need to be in charge of a group, difficulty with following or being alone
Beta - followers, difficulty being alone, need someone else to be in charge
Omega - neither lead nor follow, difficult with authority, will lead if necessary, will rebel against leader if necessary or go their own way and become a loner
Gamma - quiet leaders, will not blindly follow, will lead by example, rather than force, difficulty with being strict and disciplinary
Delta - leaders without a pack, they have leadership personalities but lack the charisma or status to be respected as a leader
Sigma - tend to rebel against leaders, they often become leaders but lack good leadership qualities, tend to rule by force and not respect

I am gamma with omega tendencies.


Cynthia, it’s possible that a man isn’t shy and has all qualities you’re looking for ,but he wants to test you to see if you have the courage to ask him out for a cup of coffee. He doesn’t want to walk all over you in a relationship. You just missed your opportunity. You snooze, you lose.

How ironic you try to use me as an example when I've already stated I am not.

I don't care why he didn't ask me out; the reason isn't relevant. It doesn't matter if it's because he's shy, passive, passive-aggressive, or a PUA doing a sh!t test. If he wants to actually meet me, then he has to speak the words. If he doesn't speak the words, then we won't meet. It isn't a missed opportunity for me. It isn't a snooze, you lose situation. I fully accept responsibility for my process and decisions as should any man who thinks I am perfect for him but is waiting for me to ask him out.

Clearly you do not do the same. From your posts on the last few pages, it is clear you can not even comprehend accepting responsibility for your own choices. Yes, if I have selection criteria for who I will meet, then the man gets to have his own too. But you keeping using reciprocity as a cudgel, like it hadn't even occurred to me. Any man who is waiting for the woman to ask him out (for whatever reason) but whines when she doesn't (for whatever reason) is just whiney. The operative word here being "whines". Whining is not an attractive quality and certainly not "perfect for me." A man who is waiting for me to ask him out but accepts the consequences of that decision when I don't ask him out is someone I can at least admire for the courage of his convictions but he still is not "perfect for me."

Anyway, not trying to hijack the thread so this is my last post on this subject.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 146 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/19/2018 11:11:42 PM


Some people need to look up the definition of sh!t test. There's a world of difference between assessing whether someone is a good fit for me vs. Putting up some mind fvck test to determine whether he's a "good catch".
And what difference would that be?

Could have sworn I said "need to look up the definition of sh!t test." I'm not going to do your work for you.
Too many posters here throwing around terms they have no idea what they mean. Come back after you've done your own work.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 145 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/19/2018 11:06:20 PM
First, let's go back to the post that started my response - rose-what's his name stated
Women also miss opportunities when they’re too shy or passive to ask a guy out. Suppose you see the perfect guy who has everything you’re looking for in a man, but he doesn’t ask you out. If you don’t ask him first, tough luck.
I was pointing out the fallacy of his statement that, for me, it isn't a "missed opportunity" because he isn't "everything" I'm looking for in a man because the critical trait he's missing is he can't speak up for what he wants.

My vetting process of not asking the man to meet is relatively new. I used to ask out any man I was interested in and have asked several men to meet over the years. The way I see it is that asking an internet stranger to a meet is a very low emotional risk action - you don't know each other, there is no shared history or depth of emotion, so no actual consequences to being turned down other than a momentarily bruised ego.

Moving on from an OLD pen pal who can't ask me to even meet is the opposite of a "missed opportunity." It frees me from spending any more time with someone who doesn't even have the potential to be "perfect for me."


>>obviously...the real question is, why do you have to walk all over him? why not..not be that type of dating partner who walks over people you care about? that is the attitude that's getting you the response to your post that you are getting. When you have to challenge someone to be better or stronger than you are, by definition, you need something from them. Its healthier to share, than to need.

if you need to test a man to make sure he won't let you abuse him, then you are conducting a mind fck test, b/c your plan is to walk all over him if he fails it.


It isn't obvious at all since you seem to have missed it. I have the opposite of intent to walk all over anyone and I do not abuse people; especially the people I care for. As testament I was married for more than 20 years and am still friends with my ex, as well as other men I've been in lengthy intimate relationships with. But I want to be partners in a relationship, I don't want to be the leader in the relationship. I want to discuss our respective thoughts, beliefs, and opinions on important decisions; I don't always want to be the decision-maker. And if a man can't even get up the courage to ask me to meet for coffee, or a walk in the park, then how can I expect him to speak up when the stakes are higher?

Intimate relationships require communication and the more sensitive the subject, the more courage is required to speak for one's self. I agree it is healthier to share. That's why I want to know up front whether the man is ready, willing, and able to speak his mind about what he wants. If he can't ask for what he wants in a low risk situation, why would I think he would speak up in an emotionally charged situation? IOW, he's the one who won't be able to share. This isn't a passive-aggressive test, it isn't a mind fvck, it isn't making him read my mind, it isn't challenging him to be better or stronger than me; it is my 'test' of whether he is my equal. It is letting him think, feel, and act of his own volition.

Being shy or passive may be perfect for someone else but not for me. Conversely, I would not be the perfect woman for a shy or passive man. Waiting for him to ask me out is a simple 'barrier to entry' for me. I am not making him do anything, especially anything he doesn't want to do. If he doesn't ask, then there's no harm, no foul; he's free to move on to the next woman's profile in search of the one who may ask him out.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 134 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/19/2018 7:05:04 PM
Some people need to look up the definition of sh!t test. There's a world of difference between assessing whether someone is a good fit for me vs. Putting up some mind fvck test to determine whether he's a "good catch".
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 115 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/17/2018 9:24:02 PM

Women also miss opportunities when they’re too shy or passive to ask a guy out. Suppose you see the perfect guy who has everything you’re looking for in a man, but he doesn’t ask you out.

If he doesn't have the balls to ask me to meet for a cup of coffee then he isn't the perfect man.
It is not because I'm shy or passive that I don't ask him out; it's a test of whether he is assertive and confident enough that I won't be able to walk all over him.
I drop enough hints that a reasonably perceptive man should know whether I would welcome a meet request or not. The last time I used the technique worked wonderfully. We dated for a few years.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 2 (view)
 
First date
Posted: 5/13/2018 6:53:24 AM
Don't "play it" at all. Try to be yourself as much as possible.

Start by not getting too excited before you meet. Don't build her up in your mind. Remember, nothing is real until you meet.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/6/2018 9:03:47 AM

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and appearances are subjective.

I wouldn't recommend creating an entire thread relating to the personal appearance of others unless your own house is in order, but that's just me.

+1

I can't help but wonder if it's Kelley in disguise.

++1
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 19 (view)
 
After years, calling a new thread redundant is nonsense.
Posted: 5/2/2018 4:22:15 PM

OP is more counterfeit than a Louis Vuitton bag on Canal St.

And I called it first lol
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 183 (view)
 
When's the last time you met someone in real life to date?
Posted: 4/27/2018 9:41:18 PM
Thanks julystorm7 post 171. When given only alpha or beta descriptions then I'd describe myself as alpha and prefer alpha men. But when given 6 categories, I'd say I'm more gamma and prefer omega or gamma men. I would, probably, not be interested in a man fitting that particular description of alpha due to *need* to be in charge and *difficulty* being along.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Forum Wisdom?
Posted: 4/27/2018 8:01:09 PM

What is the most important or "eye opening" thing you have learned through participating here?

Watch what they do, not what they say.

Has there ever been a thread or threads you participated in or at least READ that caused you to change your SOP concerning OLD?

Not any particular thread or threads but the general atmosphere is often so negative, or threads that were initial positive/interesting degenerate into negativity or troll-feeding that it affects my attitude about dating. The change to my SOP regarding OLD is that I periodically delete my profile while I get an attitude adjustment.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 163 (view)
 
When's the last time you met someone in real life to date?
Posted: 4/26/2018 10:24:29 PM
^^amazing how many errors you make in one, albeit run-on, sentence. Well done!
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 256 (view)
 
Favorite POF forum posters?
Posted: 4/25/2018 10:39:03 PM

Otto was, in my opinion, the most knowledgeable poster as to the inner workings, features, and work-arounds for the dating side of POF that ever posted in the forums. Hopefully he has moved on to happier and more rewarding things than being the POF Forum guru.

+1

Margo was funny, articulate, and wise - I always read her posts. Especially around the 'sofa' and 'parrot' era with DBB.

I enjoyed Chasing~Cars - he had a unique point of view and was good at expressing complex ideas, and farceur who wrote one of the funniest posts of all times.

3 of my favorites still post so I'll keep their names to myself lest they know that I stalk their posts :-)
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 140 (view)
 
When's the last time you met someone in real life to date?
Posted: 4/24/2018 9:18:31 PM


I think nataly is back with a new schtick.

Well, she's more calm/cool/collected -- and must have gotten some great surgery, looking a hell of a lot better - lol.

You've been on here for how long and never heard of stolen/fake pics?

Even if 'she' isn't Nataly reincarnated her behavior is just as trollish.
 cynthiasm
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 125 (view)
 
When's the last time you met someone in real life to date?
Posted: 4/24/2018 5:32:22 AM
I think nataly is back with a new schtick.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 23 (view)
 
She called to catch up out of the blue..
Posted: 4/21/2018 4:42:15 PM

I never showered her with complements, or adored her in any of our interactions.

I didn't say you showered her with compliments or fawned over her. You said you'd told her you should be the only person she's looking at. You stopped contact with her when you found out she had a boyfriend. You came back when she crooked her finger. And you asked in OP whether you have a chance with her which means you still have interest. You think she can't tell??

Ok, let me stick to your exact question:

Any thoughts on if there's a chance?

No
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 19 (view)
 
How do I get past the dating stage?
Posted: 4/21/2018 1:06:50 PM
I'll add that I think you can respond to the other woman with a clear conscience. You aren't dating the woman you wrote about in OP. If you want to label it appropriately, you're "hanging out" together.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 21 (view)
 
She called to catch up out of the blue..
Posted: 4/21/2018 12:50:50 PM
You have no chance with her for anything but friends.

Mustang had it right - it's spring, she wants to feel free and adored. She contacted you because she wants the 'sunshine' of a guy she knows is attracted to her but she has valid excuses to not let in any further.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Dont hmu if it aint bout the money
Posted: 4/21/2018 12:44:13 PM
oh baby girl, don't you prostitution is illegal?
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 7 (view)
 
am I a peasant and you a princess ??
Posted: 4/21/2018 12:39:24 PM
LOL IT Guy can't find the search function. This topic is done to death. There should be no mercy for a guy coming to the 'Ask a Girl' forum to whine that all women are fake princesses whah whah whah.

You want a message? How about your profile sucks and bad attitude will repel anyone who was mildly interested.

Best advice I can give is to leave POF until you can get an attitude adjustment.

You think that's mean? Try rereading your profile from a woman's perspective.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 17 (view)
 
How do I get past the dating stage?
Posted: 4/21/2018 12:32:15 PM

she turned her head so that I couldn't kiss her. ... I am starting to have my doubts that this will lead anywhere.Should I give up?

Yes.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How do I get past the dating stage?
Posted: 4/16/2018 11:22:32 PM
If you believe she was sincere that she just takes time to warm up, then you proceed as you've been going so far. If she was telling the truth, then your issue is that you thought you'd be further along at 7 dates than she does; it's not an issue of you're being 'friendzoned'. It may take her 10 dates, or 15 dates, or never - by the nth date she (or you) may decide you don't want to go further.

So it's up to you to now decide whether you're ok with her pace or not.
 
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