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 Author Thread: stopping the drama when its you....
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
stopping the drama when its you....
Posted: 3/15/2012 8:12:17 PM
Perhaps the knowledge of truly devastating someone with your drama can cause you to pause the next time. Your clearly a smart man. Truly understand your motivation in attempting to destroy someone's peace.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 42 (view)
 
quickly becomming exclusive...
Posted: 2/3/2012 6:58:58 AM
I"m with Abelian on this one. I'm only comfortable with a sexually exclusive relationship and prefer to focus on one man. I'm well beyond casual relationships and if I meet someone compelling enough to want to be intimate with my energy goes there. Fortunately there are men out there who feel the same way. Oh....and I'm older than the OP by a year....and my photos are un-retouched. Just sayin......there are lots of great looking 50+ year olds.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
during the time.
Posted: 1/5/2012 3:07:07 PM
Igor and Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally are right.......if a man finds you attractive he wants to have sex with you. Most women I know aren't wired that way. it is up to you to decide what your boundaries are and to avoid situations where your boundaries are challenged. Because they will be. It doesn't matter how much you say you're not ready/interested in an intimate relationship.....or you need to take it slow. As to feeling guilty if someone has invested their time/money/attention in you.....that's what they're supposed to do. Let someone earn your company. It will only be valued if you value it highly and act accordingly.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Let them Go (this helped me tons!)
Posted: 12/14/2011 7:51:29 AM
I told the man who ended things then reconciled, then ended them again, then expressed a desire to reconcile, then changed his mind again and continued to express mixed feelings....if you can live without me you should. It is not easy to let go, but I'm learning that it really is that simple.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Broken Hearted
Posted: 12/5/2011 3:18:06 PM
Always the voice of reason Igor. It doesn't hurt any less to lose a loving relationship, but you do learn that that loss is survivable because it has to be. I'm also very clear that a mourning period is the only thing that makes sense for me. Rushing into something else to make myself feel desirable and wanted again only compounds the loss for me. Take care of yourself as Igor suggested
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Hooking up while trying to get over someone?
Posted: 11/28/2011 9:24:53 PM
Good memory......yes. There were practical challenges that were terribly challenging...distance being the primary one, coupled with me struggling economically so that I was unable to move.....so ending the relationship was something I had to accept. His actions now...already describing this new encounter as a relationship when I'm still sleepless and broken....insisting of informing me of his struggle with it (I asked never to know) and repeatedly drawing me back with expressions of his still deeply held feelings is what I'm struggling with. This last episode occurred after he saw I was back on pof myself. I've reconnected with friends and exchanged a few messages. Ive mostly deleted....and I've turned down multiple offers from men I know who have learned of my status. I'm not in a place to be in a healthy relationship and thats the only kind of one I want. Why do you ask? Would value your thoughts....
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Hooking up while trying to get over someone?
Posted: 11/26/2011 10:10:44 PM
I just found out tonight a man who I spent the last 18 months with and was deeply in love with has already moved on weeks after ending things.....and all the while saying he still loves me.....and is conflicted (but not so much that he didn't avoid telling me about the new relationship). I used to find so much wisdom here in the forums. Igor....you captured all the things I've been struggling with tonight. m-church.....unfortunately it's causing me to devalue what i meant to him......but yes......it is clear he was not who I thought he was. My head is full of images of him now......and the pain is palpable.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Please help me get over the pain of my break up..
Posted: 9/28/2011 2:24:40 PM
I am so sorry for your losses. You are very young...and very beautiful....and have a rich life in front of you but it's very difficult to know that when you are inside such grief. Take it from those of us who have walked this earth for a longer time.....time does heal. You've been given some excellent advice (exercise, friends, extending yourself to others - but avoiding entering into another relationship too quickly). All of those things will help. You need to eat.....and sleep (my biggest struggle). The suggestion to go to student health services etc. was an excellent one. I suffered a break up at your age and went to a psychologist for the first time. I talked about needing to function and being frustrated with myself for having fallen apart and she very simply said - if you had broken your leg you would need help and time to heal. The same is true of a broken heart. I find myself there again so many years later....very different circumstances...but the pain is the same. I too lost my dad....and my mom....and my only sister so I know the void that those losses can create. Having a relationship end regardless of the circumstances is a painful process. Don't let the abrupt and unkind end diminish all the wonderful energy you put into the relationship. As other posters said - none of us are good at this.....either being the one to end things or being on the receiving end and even well intentioned people can behave in ways that are unrecognizable to us. Practice good self-care and stay connected to friends even if it doesn't feel all that great now. You will find yourself smiling and laughing again. Value the depth of your feeling and know that you can extend it to someone new when the time is right. Best of luck to you.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Male or Female?
Posted: 10/29/2010 5:21:35 AM
My SO is the best lover I've ever had. I'm sitting here feeling guilty because he focused on me last night to such an extent he rendered me almost comatose and I was barely responsive to a middle of the night advance I always welcome (I also worked out to intensely and too two dance classes in two days). He clearly derives pleasure from making me cum over and over but I do sometimes feel guilty that he has one orgasm for my 6. I made him a pumpkin pie......hope that makes up for some of it!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Women: After sex
Posted: 8/18/2010 7:10:05 PM
mtn.lover........I hit the gym daily...early......so I tear myself away from my lover and get into my workout gear and get to it. How many people do you know who shower before they work out?!?! After morning sex I'm limber and warmed up and ready for my hill sprints. After my workout I'm showered and very sweet smelling......you would never think me nasty.......and my lovers cum is anything but.......
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Just Pondering...
Posted: 8/18/2010 11:18:04 AM
I remembered your lovely face from your ADHD posts a few months back.......and thought you were an expressive open young woman with a lot going for her. I just reread some of your previous posts....including your mother's quote - you can't build happiness on the back of someone else's happiness. People do as they do because they can. This man can be charming and lovely to be with because he's motivated to have his hands on you......but you can be quite sure he cares very little for your well-being or he wouldn't take advantage of your youth and naivete. You express many mixed emotions but they fall flat (I too loved the I reluctantly slipped on a dress and heels)......which is why you've received some tough forum love. Those of us old enough to be your mother (I am one of them) look at you and shake our heads. If you are intelligent enough to have crafted that post you are intelligent enough to make choices for your benefit. That your family history includes cheating has no doubt had impact on you and this is absolutely something to explore in therapy. We learn a great deal from our family of origin...the good and the bad.....and there does come a point where we have to step away from the patterns of our family and chose our own path. I came from a family of diabetics who took extra insulin so they could eat at the dessert bar......I was one of them. I decided I would not let that history define me and I changed many fundamental things about the way I live my life. I've buried them all. Turns out I was right. Trust those of us who have lived longer. Trust those of us who have made mistakes that cost us the ability to be open to a loving trusting relationship. Once wounded it is very hard to open again. Seeking love is always risky. Seeking it with someone with so little integrity is seeking to be wounded. You deserve more than that.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Women: After sex
Posted: 8/18/2010 2:16:11 AM
finally the secret to getting a man to do housework!!!!! I love to have the smell of him linger on me.....the sweat....the cum.....my favorite......put on my workout tights......go to the gym.....work out hard....do some yoga.....do the poses where my head approaches my kitty and get a jolt from remembering the feeling of him cumming ...feeling him trickle out of me.....if I was better at yoga I'd lick it off myself
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Emotional Pornography
Posted: 7/12/2010 10:45:48 AM
An interesting concept. I have a friend who edits romance novels for a living....a very successful genre. I haven't read an intentional romance novel since I was a teenager. She has had a very difficult sustaining a relationship with a man for several reasons - but one of them is unrealistic expectations of the nature of human relationships. So..perhaps you have something there. I can certainly say that my childhood fantasies of romance and weddings bore little resemblance to reality. My early adult years were constant readjustments of expectations and lots of disappointment that my life didn't resemble the romance presented by Hollyweood etc. I will say at my ripe old age of 49.......I think I'm in a much better position to be in a relationship - and I am in a wonderful one now. I've been married - I've had the wedding - simple and austere - and the failure of that marriage - for mostly unexciting reasons.....the usual - we didn't communicate or connect any longer. I've had the career.....I have the house......I no longer view those things as holy grails to be attained. I know what they can do....and cannot do for me. I also know that relationships shift and change and at times require real effort. I know a good relationship is a precious thing that requires nurturing and attention. I have moments with my lover that are the stuff of Hollywood - fortunately - there are little to no drama filled soap opera moments. We're two people who loved and lost, lived and learned. I'm grateful for what I have in front of me in him and he seems to feel the same. I probably wasn't capable of this relationship in my youth......the small conflicts we've experienced would have been monumental to me back then. My wants ad desires are far simpler.......there is simply nothing better than being wrapped up in his arms at the end of a long day. No DeBeers or exotic locales.......just his warm body and his heart.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 68 (view)
 
What's the sexiest thing about the morning after?
Posted: 6/21/2010 12:38:38 PM
Well - after morning sex which is very warm and slippery because I'm still juicy.....I like to slip on my yoga clothes and go to the gym......and as I go through my ashtanga sequence I can smell him on me.....and get turned on all over again. Being in deep stretches and bent over poses I can barely get through the class without cuming again.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
a cheating history in his past relationships
Posted: 6/16/2010 3:37:00 AM
I know you from your previous posts and the PMs we've exchanged. I'm glad you are feeling better about things in your life and moving out of the struggle to find clarity. I have this to say. People with integrity make mistakes. Sometimes profound mistakes. The litmus test for me is how they feel about those choices and what they do to move past them. While we can say there is no excuse for cheating there are explanations. A persons insight into the path their life has taken has meaning. The way they live there life now has more meaning if that living is honest and direct. I've changed fundamental things about myself......things that from my personal family history and from my background as a behavioral scientist I know are very difficult to change. I had to make some very serious choices and leave behind things and people and be brought to my knees both physically and spiritually in order to make that change lasting and durable. It is a daily task to stay mindful of the choices I make and how they will impact me and the people around me. I trust myself far more having been on both sides of a struggle and getting through it and having insight into it than I would someone who has never been tested. I bring that same spirit to the people in my life now. Another poster mentioned wise ole' Dr. Phil. Yes - he does say the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. But he also says you can't change what you don't acknowledge. If someone is honest and forthright about their past there is forgiveness. Without forgiveness most of us would be very stuck at some point in our past with no hope of moving forward.

My closest friend of many many years confessed to me some years ago that she was involved with a married man. I was shocked.....and judged her harshly. I expressed it in terms of concern for her well-being...of the likelihood of her being hurt etc. but I viewed her as terribly weak......flawed......and lacking in character. As the universe tends to work......I was confronted with a great desire to cheat on my husband some years later. Empty marriage - no intimacy....excuses excuses excuses....but I was overwhelmed with remorse for having rejected that friend when I found myself in a situation very similar....only I was the one with the vows. The outcome of that experience was the beginning of the end of my marriage......but I remember well the confusion and struggle to fill something missing in me.....something I let happen in that 14 year relationship that lead to the point where I was going to make a choice that was previously unthinkable. My past behavior would never have predicted it. I know in an elemental part of myself that I will not find myself in that position again. I will likely make other mistakes......but not that one. Having lived that.......I know that good people can find themselves doing bad things. And in this life we eventually pay for our mistakes. There must be forgiveness and understanding and acceptance. I've been on the receiving end of that......so it is possible to pay it forward. Your choices to end your relationship are...as you say.......based on a number of things. Your clarity about walking away from something that meant a great deal isn't lost on me. But as to your fundamental question........people are capable of change if it means enough to them.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Did one word blew me off or did I fall victim to a player?
Posted: 6/15/2010 1:53:21 AM
She's crazy. After a few IMs she's proposing? She likes to create drama and manipulate to see how far you will go. She doesn't "love you again" because she doesn't love you....she doesn't know you. Some people only play games either for sport or because they aren't capable of anything more. Don't waste your time with her. Trust your instincts.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Orgasms from being tickled?
Posted: 6/14/2010 3:41:43 PM
Honey!!!!! Will you tickle my feet?!?!?! I'm cuming from all sorts of different stimulation......including just his voice.......when my body is lit and I'm so spent I can't even talk.......so maybe that's next.....loved the shoe shopping comment.!!!! Anticipation.....loss of control......if you spend your day being in control and 'on top of things' letting go can release all sorts of things. Enjoy OP........I don't want to pee on my good mattress.......so I'm not sure I want to go there
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Love is the biggest lie in the world!
Posted: 6/14/2010 9:12:20 AM
CarolAnn hit the nail on the head. I know two elderly couples who have been together for 50 plus years. Unlike my parents - who achieved the same...but without joy and affection between them.....both of these couples still play...still flirt...still compliment....she knocks his ballcap off as they share the Sunday Times.....he smiles......she smiles....they never even look up at each other. He's seen her through cancer.......he is now experiencing dementia........they've had rough years.....but always found forgiveness for each other. They accepted who the other was.....he still misses the hamper with his socks......she still picks them up. Socks weren't worth battling over. Socks weren't disrespect....because the other things were there. She's made him a pot roast once a week for 50 years.....he doesn't like her pot roast....his mother's was better. He never told her.......until I asked them about their marriage. In my marriage - the socks became a big deal.....because the things that we both needed to ground us didn't exist. So we sparred over nonsense.

Physical passion is certainly part of love......the early time in a relationship of meaning forges bonds that provide structure for later. But you know that love is maturing when the other person's needs begin to match your own in importance to you. I didn't get any of this at your age. I didn't really get any of it until I buried some people I loved. I didn't get it completely until I was ill enough to know that my own life wouldn't go on forever and I had to make an effort to extend myself and take chances. Be accepting. forgiving.....and open to it in all the forms life presents. The love of romance novels and hollywood is just one slice.......fleeting and transient and intoxicating. The other forms love takes can be far richer and sustaining.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Do you find it more pleasurable when your man takes control?
Posted: 6/14/2010 2:58:33 AM
I'm not submissive in any areas of my life and never have been. My lover is the physically strongest man I've ever been with....he dwarfs me and I am tall and quite strong and fit. When he takes over my body...uses his physical strength to hold me....support me......and I feel the power of him after I've experienced his tenderness I am lost....completely lost.... in a way nothing or no one else has ever evoked with me. I agree with previous posters that it is give and take but never in my life have I enjoyed being 'taken' so much. Damn......after a few nights together he's sleeping in his own bed and I'm on here because I can't reach over to him.....damn damn damn......
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Orgasm .....not the usual suspects......
Posted: 6/6/2010 12:54:28 AM
^^^^^^^^^ ahhhhhhhh...the loop de loooooooop.....one of my favorites.......kitchen chair.......down and a little to the right.....
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Wondering what I should do about this....
Posted: 6/4/2010 8:05:24 PM
I tried to read this and if you keep this level of fricken detail and keep score like this man....you are not ready for a relationship. You remind me of the 13 year old girls I saw all gossipping and texting each other across tables this afternoon. You are both immature.......but you have a choice to make here........if your own head isn't ready to burst from all this.....keep at it!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Can you compliment a man's penis too much?
Posted: 6/3/2010 3:27:08 PM
How bout.....I'd give ya a standing ovation.....cept I can't stand..........really....I can't......

Happens on a regular basis........and he loves it.......rendering me catatonic and shaking.........wonder if he really does respect my intellect and my other qualities......hmmmmmmmmmmm
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Can you compliment a man's penis too much?
Posted: 6/3/2010 3:02:25 PM
Endlessly fascinating where an innocent question will lead. Obviously it is far more important to appreciate what a lover can do with his****than it's size/shape.......most women will attest to that. My perhaps not very well operationalized question needs work. I design surveys for a living.......and obviously my skills have become rusty as I'm so busy having vigorous sex.......myabe he has finally fvcked my brains out.......all that ivy league education down the drain........pity. But thank you troops for pitching in........always interesting here on the forums.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Can you compliment a man's penis too much?
Posted: 6/3/2010 11:07:45 AM
I did a thread search...honestly I did..and there are 49 threads related to penises.......didn't read them all.......but my SO and I were discussing another thread that appeared today - on complimenting one's partner.....and he said - well he said two things......men don't need compliments.......just fvck me......a lot......(I think women need compliments.....).......then he said - compliments regarding a man's penis are always always always welcome. I've been talking to his a great deal lately......so I think he/it's happy........but.....is this something that resonates with the men out there......are compliments regarding your penis as good as it can get......or is your ability to repair a broken faucet...or grill a great steak.......or write a lyrical poem just as important......
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
I love you but there is no passion there
Posted: 6/2/2010 10:58:09 AM
If the very idea is painful you have your answer. That doesn't mean at some point in the future you won't feel differently and be capable of friendship....but for now........I think you know...as you turned down the opportunity to just hang. I've learned that feelings for people can transition with time........and with an honest recognition about your thinking about the relationship and the clarity you have regarding it. It's probably too soon for you to have any resolution....and some people seem to never be able to find it - but for them....they get something out of staying stuck. Lick your wounds and know that you don't have to decide anything definitive right now. You can tell her you need time to get used to things.......and you may find yourself in the position - inconceivable now - of being able to genuinely be friends. It happened to me.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Is compliment important in relationship?
Posted: 6/2/2010 10:44:12 AM
I was in a marriage where I never received a single one from my husband regarding my appearance. He told me he recognized my intellect and other character issues, but never a compliment about how I looked....even after I went through a great deal to regain my health and get very fit. Other people would tell me I looked wonderful and it was always affirming, but him no. I get superficial compliments from friends/strangers and it's always nice to be told you are attractive/interesting/compelling.......but the ones that mean a great deal more are those from the people I love. It's important for me to know that I'm appreciated.....desired.......valued. I think it's awfully important to extend compliments to people.......because we all seek the same validation.....be it "I love the way you smell....particularly when you are all hot and sweaty"........to "the color of your eyes takes my breath away".......to "the expression on your face evoked a memory". If you're thinking nice things about someone.....tell them. My sister passed away two years ago. She lived a very troubled life. At her memorial service the church was packed with people who had the most wonderful things to say about her. I sat there stunned......because she and I were somewhat estranged and I really didn't know very much about her life.......and would have given anything for her to know how people felt about her while she was still alive. That experience changed me. I tell people why they matter to me.......often. If I receive it back.......it makes me feel wonderful.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 424 (view)
 
oral sex and swallowing cum and why they wont do it
Posted: 5/28/2010 10:36:01 AM
Chemistry is everything. My lover is surprised by this but I love the way he smells even after a hard days work in the heat.......and I knew before I ever tasted his cum that I would love it because of that realization. His physical chemistry just works for me. Giving head is a far more intimate act for me......and there is nothing like the immediacy of that act.....I can feel changes when he's inside me......but the feeling is often diffuse. When he's in my hands and mouth......there is no ambiguity......I almost came myself last night as he was climaxing in my mouth. Maybe it's age and experience......but after a lifetime of hits and misses ...and a bad sexless marriage....having a lover who wants only to please me is such a gift....and I couldn't imagine not wanting to give him the same.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
I dont want to loose my best friend
Posted: 5/27/2010 3:32:25 AM
I rarely say something like this but Sleeping Beauty made a moronic comment. Some of the other comments were far more helpful. If you learn at this very tender age to 'talk' about your feelings with people who are important to you such as your friend.......you might avoid a lifetime of being misunderstood, interpreting people's words and actions through a filter of your own making and making a mess of things. Your best friend certainly knows you are suffering as you've been clear about that....but she may have her own reasons for wanting more with you.......and not have the judgement that you aren't in a position to offer her very much. Being told how important she is to you is what you do. It's easy for those of us who have been through this more times than we'd like to count to tell you to forget about your girlfriend and to stop complaining and enjoy life because you're so young. First you need to leave behind the pain of someone you love having moved on. If it's the first time....it's the hardest because you've learned the lesson that love shifts and sometimes ends and people leave. You are going to college in the fall.....there will be new people and a whole new world.....and you will be fine. You're a thoughtful, expressive 'kid'...sorry - but you are.....young. You have a wonderful life in front of you.......and while you might not know or understand it...you are just beginning! Good luck sweetie......
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 31 (view)
 
girls in relationships ?
Posted: 5/26/2010 12:31:22 PM
You've been given some very good advice......asking her to teach you what she likes without evoking personal experience with past lovers is an important boundary. It's essential to be able to talk about your desires and be able to explore with a partner. As my wonderful adventurous lover says all the time....sex is mental.......so plant ideas for things you'd like to do to her....and fantasies you have of what you would like her to do to you.....when you aren't in the bedroom. Leave her thinking about it and learn to tease. Make her feel safe but be sure you feel safe yourself......trust is an awfully important part of the equation in any sexual relationship.....we are as humans far more willing to take risks when we feel respected and understood and accepted.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Boyfriend with ADD/ADHD
Posted: 5/17/2010 8:55:15 AM
ADD - attention deficit disorder....ADHD - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. From what I've learned the 'H' element is more typically picked up in children who are diagnosed although there is some conflict in the literature regarding screening/assessment tools and whether they are biased (more boys than girls are diagnosed 'H'.....and the likelihood that adults who are diagnosed have developed ways to compensate for the hyperactivity component. Like most neurological and for that matter physiological conditions there is a spectrum of expression of symptoms and underlying physiological causes.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Boyfriend with ADD/ADHD
Posted: 5/17/2010 8:51:15 AM
ADD - attention deficit disorder....ADHD - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. From what I've learned the 'H' element is more typically picked up in children who are diagnosed although there is some conflict in the literature regarding screening/assessment tools and whether they are biased (more boys than girls are diagnosed 'H'.....and the likelihood that adults who are diagnosed have developed ways to compensate for the hyperactivity component. Like most neurological and for that matter physiological conditions there is a spectrum of expression of symptoms and underlying physiological causes.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
He said he loves me... but.....
Posted: 5/12/2010 12:59:51 PM
Squirting is one option......any negative reinforcement that can't be associated with you (he needs to do the squirting...she comes at your head.....water hits from somewhere......but not obviously from either of you in the beginning.....other option....a throwcan......a few coins in a taped soda can. She comes at you....the throw can jangles loudly........startled response...more of a dog technique than a cat...but it works. Oh....and cats hate foil....so perhaps a foil hat.......you could make it part of an erotic costume perhaps?!?!? Now that idea has some legs.....
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Divorce over finances
Posted: 5/12/2010 11:48:45 AM
Your wife is short-sighted in that she ignored the reality of how many small businesses fail. You did a reasonable thing in an economy and job market where at your age (I"m right behind you) you lost a job that supported your family. Many divorces are a result of financial struggle. Income equals power to a certain extent and one who holds the purse strings often feels entitled to control the relationship. After a number of years as a housewife (I"ve never been even though I was married) and the sometimes subconscious anxiety about being dependent on a partner for support, her inheritance represented a a safety net.....and perhaps contributed to a shift in her own mind about her value to the relationship. I wonder if you and your wife have had any counseling. The reality of divorce is that everybody suffers economically. Two households on no income are harder than one!!!!! In my own divorce...I was the one that lost. I had paid off our home with an inheritance of my own.....and even though I had been the sole source of primary income for many of the 14 years I was married.....when I wanted out for reasons completely unrelated to finances....my husband went after everything he could get. He in reality got half of my inheritance (if I had left it in the bank he would have gotten none of it....but because I paid off our home the most predictable outcome would have been an even split).....at one point I thought it was a positioning attempt on his part to slow me down........but I decided my freedom and the chance to make my life better was worth whatever it cost me. I was correct about that decision. I hope you had counseling.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Boyfriend with ADD/ADHD
Posted: 5/12/2010 11:17:23 AM
This thread has been tremendously valuable to me. I'm newly in a relationship with someone who is so insightful into the dynamics of his ADD and I"m witnessing a period of great stress for him. I'm struck by how the things he is struggling with would cause anyone to fold.....and yet he perseveres. It's hard to determine where the line is drawn between what would be non-ADD response to extreme stress and where the ADD floods in and makes the challenges worse. In fact I think trying to figure out that line is an exercise of little value. What I"m hearing from him are moments of heartbreaking despair at not being able to keep all the balls in the air......frustration.....fatigue......self-doubt......but then he recovers....and he moves on. I've been....at various periods of my life......quite good at the executive function issues that people with ADD struggle with. Such skills/traits came easily to me. The events of my life in the last few years have altered that skill set. Personal health issues that impacted me cognitively, followed by extreme stress related to family/marriage brought me to my knees. I"m quite sure I'm not where I was when I was at the top fo my game. But.....I'm more balanced.....and dare I say it...happier. I've learned grace.....gratitude....to embrace satisfaction with small accomplishments....and probably most importantly....to be forgiving....of my own failures.....and of those of others. Oprah has a saying that comes to mind almost daily....when you know better you do better. Sometimes it takes a while for the doing better to get noticed.......but OP...you will know if your 'boyfriend' is working at it. I agree....it won't likely be easy......but as I said to you in a PM......one of the things that you learn when you get to my ripe age.....nobody comes without challenge.....and good relationships take effort. The challenge in life is to find clarity about who to invest your efforts in.......and have equal clarity about what you need in return. Those things may change at various times in your life......and that's fine. The best things that happened to me were the things unplanned. The things that came easily don't mean nearly as much to me now as the things that took effort...and commitment and struggle. I have something so wonderful in front of me.....in this complicated man. He's teaching me things about myself.....reinforcing things I've already learned.....and challenging things that I've gotten wrong in the past. That's why life is challenging.....and rich. Your initial post has lead to a very powerful thread. Thank you!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
When is it a good time to start dating after a breakup
Posted: 5/9/2010 2:04:21 PM
[So take enough time off to feel as though you can at least smile, and not want to stab every guy you see in the eye, but then go ahead and start doing things with people. /]

Well that's great advice....thanks for the laugh Igor.......but there is a certain kind of truth to it. : )

When did I know I was ready........my circumstances were quite different.....as he hadn't done anything awful to me.....it simply wasn't a relationship that could build any further......when I offered him advice about how he could find a younger woman as he was lamenting the fact that he had not had a family......I knew I was over him when I was able to say that and mean it.

Be with people.......men and women......don't let loneliness for human contact drive you into a situation of involvement when you're still licking your wounds. Work out......masturbate.....eat good dark chocolate.......and heal........
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Whine, Whine, Whine...
Posted: 5/8/2010 2:43:51 PM
While I think there is value in John Gray's stuff.....Venus and Mars.....to describe general patterns of gender related tendencies....I think there is danger in dismissing the behavior of someone who is clearly not motivated to be a nice guy.....and meet you halfway with a relationship as a "all men are like that" kind of thing....because all men are not like that. There are men who will make a woman a priority....and are forthright and direct and self-reflective enough to know their own strengths/weaknesses when it comes to relationships. Is is likely women have unrealistic expectations....you betcha......and in that regard exploration of the ways in which male and female brains...and behavior differ..... can be instructive and interesting.....but anyone - particularly at our age - who thinks they understand it all.....or denies ever having made serious errors in their relationships is delusional...or stupid. I was involved with a wonderful man........someone who would extend himself to his friends far beyond the norm.....and who was always solicitous of my feelings and needs.......but who simply was not in a position to offer me what I wanted and needed. I knew he loved me...knew he had my best interest at heart but wasn't capable of more......and I finally finally finally got it......it was a painful process to get there......he held his deepest feelings and fears well hidden and I always felt a wall........and finally I walked away. Around the corner from that awful pain I found a man who takes my breath away. You need to heal......there is simply no way to go through it but to go through it....and find yourself on the other side.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Boyfriend with ADD/ADHD
Posted: 5/7/2010 8:13:56 PM
Dreams, Your discussion is so clearly not at an academic, evidence based level so the conclusion that your "expertise" is self-defined is readily apparent. You are no neurophysiologist and your knowledge of neurochemistry is akin to that of the average google search without the grounding of a solid science background to be able to discriminate BS from the bench and/or clinical domain. You are a zealot with a personal agenda throwing around science that you clearly don't understand. Fortunately, your extreme views will cause anyone reading this thread to dismiss your BS.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Boyfriend with ADD/ADHD
Posted: 5/7/2010 3:24:41 AM
I'm falling in love with a man who has ADHD. He put it on the table from the very beginning as it impacts all aspects of his life and he gave me a very clear message that it would impact our relationship in many ways. He has been very direct. I've done a great deal of reading....I've done some talking.....to him most importantly, but with other people who know and love me and whose counsel I value. Here is the single most critical issue at hand.....your guy is not managing his ADHD with any tools that will help. Self-medicating with booze won't work. If he had stopped taking meds but was focused on other evidence based methods of managing his condition (cognitive therapy, nutrition etc) and had some insight into his patterns and how it's impacted his relationships, his work, etc. I would say proceed and see how you can find a way to pursue something good with him. If he's doing nothing but evoking it as a problem.....as a warning to you....take it.

I've had serious, life threatening health problems with significant behavioral elements that most people struggle with without success. My whole family was masterful at masking and denying the impact of our shared biology and behavior and using it as an excuse to avoid concrete hard work. I had to take very drastic action and reorder the priorities in my life to better manage my own health and life. I know from that direct experience that people can change and improve their lives in spite of a biological reality....but they must acknowledge the reality and do some very hard work. I buried my sister who died as a result of the same set of issues I was faced with. On the days I don't feel like doing what I know I need to do....on those rare rare days.... I think of her and I dig deep. I left a marriage with a man (14 years) who would not acknowledge his own problems and said he couldn't do things differently. My condition requires daily management and presents challenges and I've learned what I need to do. I can educate the people I have in my life about how to help me, but ultimately I make the choice on a daily basis. I look at my current health as a miracle....because I have the contrast of having lived the other end of the continuum. I'm grateful for the insight and clarity that I've developed and I value that same insight in the people I bring into my life. The man I love is struggling with a complicated life and many demands and challenges. I don't know how things will ultimately emerge with him. I'm old enough to know we never know and can control very very little in our lives but I can see a person before me who doing the work, acknowledging where he fvcks up and most importantly has hope.....and believes he deserves a good life. I've lived that same transition in perspective and know the power of it. In my 20s I would not have gotten any of this.....but my life lived has taught me a great deal.

You are young and sweet and beautiful. Put your heart into someone who while imperfect, because we all are, is doing concrete things to better his life.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Sneaky/sexy ways to seduce your partner
Posted: 5/3/2010 9:49:56 PM
^^^^^^^^damn.....Svetlana has big pile of drywall and many many screws............

I will hand them to you.......you have big strong arms da?!??!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
 
seriously not serious
Posted: 4/29/2010 7:16:52 AM
I've rested and no more headache and your original post and responses make no more sense to me now than they did when you started this thread. If everybody who is responding to you...including IgorFrankenstein who is one of the most thoughtful insightful people on the forums....is calling you on inconsistency.....don't you think it might be something to think about rather than dismiss us as not getting it...or you? Clarity of thinking is difficult.....but essential with any important life decision and your thinking as conveyed by your writing isn't very clear. I will go back to my original point.........your own uncertainty about what you are seeking ooozes from very word......so it is probably hanging in the air around the two of you. When you are into somebody.....really into them.....they know it......if you wait until they convey the energy you seek first......you are under water waiting to break the surface.....sometimes you get hit with a rough wave when you put yourself out there......but pretending you aren't seeking more.....is like holding your breath....not a good state to be in........we all think you're seeking more......if we feel it...he probably does too. So.....if you are seeking more......stop the "I'm seeing other people as backup" shit and put it out there.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Sneaky/sexy ways to seduce your partner
Posted: 4/28/2010 9:10:24 PM
I get out the potatoes......I wash them.......I cut them.......I place them in the big red pot......I take it to the sink........I fill with the water...I put on the flame.......I get on my hands and knees to scrub the floor.....he's always behind me .....untying my apron......sloshing the water until everything is wet......Svetlana likes the kitchen.......she especially likes the counter........big strong american man.....he likes too.......
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
seriously not serious
Posted: 4/27/2010 1:22:57 PM
Real advice - some punctuation please....I'm tired and have a headache and your sentences go on and on. Bottom line....no one can tell you what's going on in his head but him. But before you try to clarify his thinking...perhaps you need to clarify your own. If you are indeed seeing other people and are not ready for a commitment then labels would not matter. He's unwilling to talk about commitment and you're unwilling to make a commitment......you're dating. You can force an issue by forcing a clarification but that would only make sense if you felt some certainty about where you stood yourself. If you don't have that certainty......not sure why you're expecting him to.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
how to know who should make the first contact?
Posted: 4/25/2010 4:39:25 PM
Will he call? Who on earth knows.......should you.......if you're thinking about him and want to express your feelings.....what else can you do but risk it and call. At worst you will be where you are.....wondering.....at best you will at least reconnect with a friend and know that you took the risk of letting him know how you feel. There are no rules here........you simply have to be ready to accept any outcome......but closure of one sort or another is always better than known.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Having sex while asleep?
Posted: 4/22/2010 11:08:00 AM
Well I'm a light sleeper......so I can't say that I've ever woken up finding myself in that position, but I do do do love when he reaches for me in sleep and we melt into each other.....eyes still closed.....warm and sticky from the previous session......and then there's the morning sex!!!!!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Not on the same level?
Posted: 4/19/2010 1:12:34 PM
Twice you've characterized her as being 'too nice'.....making her friends requests of her time a priority....but frankly - she is choosing to. There is nothing wrong with her doing so......many people loose touch with their network of friends etc. when they enter a relationship...and that is never a good idea. The botton line is that you must communicate these feelings to her......exactly as you did here. I'm in a wonderful new relationship with a man I can't get enough of.....who has a great deal on his plate, including distance. I would love to see more of him, but he has responsibilities that are pulling him in many directions. However, he makes me feel quite important to him......and I too am very clear how much he means to me. If practical life issues interfere with being able to spend as much time together as you would both like...that is a situation which requires compromise and understanding. If on the other hand you feel you are not a priority to her - including how she behaves with you when you are together - you need to speak up.....let her know your thinking.....and decide based on her behavior as you move forward. Dating is hard yes.....but good relationships require candor and trust.....and take time to build. Good luck.
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 84 (view)
 
what do you feel is the most UNATTRACTIVE piercing commonly done today?
Posted: 4/15/2010 2:05:23 PM
OK I came home with a headache and wondered into this thread...and yuck......yuck yuck yuck.....I'm glad I"m 49....hooking up chains and pulling on stuff......I have enough fun with warm skin and soft and hard things and slippery when wet.....keep the hardware in the toolbelt......now where did I put my toolbelt.......cause there are some very handy things in there......
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Puzzling Ex
Posted: 4/15/2010 1:32:33 AM
>

well the planets are in alignment because I agree with dynadaze and mr.evil all at once. if he was sending you pictures of his package and asking for naughty pictures it would be a bit more obvious....but of you standing next to a beefeater at the palace.....unless he thinks you're doing him......not sure what the deal is.....he's testing to see if he can still manipulate you.....and you failed. Learn from it......old feelings of yuck are the universes's gift to us......trust your gut.....
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Orgasm .....not the usual suspects......
Posted: 4/15/2010 1:15:36 AM
[Ahhhhh...but for the ultimate experience...just hold her close, and whisper in her ear...play with her imagination... 3 different times I've seen girls have body-quaking orgasms from just the right aural erotic massage...the only erotic zone being touched was the brain./]

sort of 'cum on command?'......yeah......that's kind of happening too.......now if he's standing behind me in the home depot tool corral and that happens.....whooo...hoooooo!!!!!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 61 (view)
 
F*ckers vs. Lovers
Posted: 4/14/2010 7:03:12 PM
^^^^^^if sex for you is something on the domestic to do list.....something is wrong!!!!!!! No one should expect their partner to do it all......and when it's mutual......whether it's lovin.....or f$%in.......it's gooood.........honey......put it on my to do right now!
 redheadruby
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
No Sex in over two monts
Posted: 4/14/2010 2:12:06 PM
Well your loving compassion underwhelms.....and I am confused as everybody else who expressed dismay at your contradictory thinking. Yes there is a concrete issue to be dealt with here and men once they are over 40 can be notoriously bad at self-care. That being said his concerns should be explored and you can have significant impact on the situation by being supportive and persistent in encouraging him to seek an evaluation. You are way ahead of reality asking how couples reintroduce sex after a heartattack because neither of you know if he indeed had any kind of cardiac event. The one way you do not accomplish anything is to step out on him after two months. If your relationship is so brittle that this situation is eroding any intimacy ....and I don't mean only physical intimacy....in just two months.....it's not much of a relationship....and it is certainly not love. Maybe if you dream about being a loving compassionate supportive partner you'll be able to evoke that......Jeesh!
 
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