Show ALL Forums
Posted In Forum:

Home   login   MyForums  
 
 Author Thread: Any expectations of who would be attracted to you?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Any expectations of who would be attracted to you?
Posted: 5/31/2018 4:57:22 PM
Wow, that last big post of Hawkings was both interesting and insightful. I appreciated the honesty in it.

I think this all comes down to the fact that so many of us feel alone. And it gets really frustrating when we keep getting interest from people we aren't interested in yet people we are interested in reject us. When I was a teen and a younger adult I got a lot of interest from many different guys but not anyone I wanted to go out with. The few times I decided to give a guy a chance who I wasn't interested in I just ended up feeling really guilty and sad. And back then I think I looked much better than now. Only one guy I liked ever showed any interest in me but it turns out he was only using me for sex. And now of 12 guys I met since coming back to the dating world in my 30s, 3 of the guys I actually liked and none of those 3 wanted a second date. The other 9 did which really frustrates me. Maybe guys I like are just a little too high of calibre for me to get, who knows. Now I am talking all the time with this other guy who is so great in so many ways and I really really like him but he was working away and now is back home and wants to meet but I don't want to meet because I don't want what we have to end and I have this total fear that as soon as we meet the bubble will burst because he won't like the physical me. I have never ever had someone want to be with me who I want to be with.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1217 (view)
 
Pay for your own whine
Posted: 5/26/2018 9:27:17 AM
I don't mind splitting the bill IF the place we are going doesn't cost much. However, I have gone on a couple meetups at more expensive places (not my choice but I didn't realize they were until I got there) so I didn't offer to pay and there was no issue. I will often volunteer to pay my own at normal-priced places but 90% of the time the guys insisted on paying. Truthfully that makes a guy more attractive.

Would I date a broke guy? That depends on why he's broke. If its just that he has a low-paying job and his living expenses take up most of his income or he has to pay a high amount of child or spousal support, that is fine, I understand that because though I work lots myself, the cost of living eats up much of my income. However, if he's unemployed, not a chance I'd date him because he needs to be focussing on that before getting into any relationships. And if he has a low-paying job, it would depend on why. If its just because he really enjoys the job or he was laid off from a better job and this is all he could find I respect that. Its better than the men who lose a good job but won't settle temporarily for something less because it would be beneath him than I'm not interested.

I don't think men should date unemployed women either. Single women should learn how to stand on their own two feet and work. Longterm welfare moms and women who live off spousal support from their ex are leaches to be avoided.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 22 (view)
 
POF was NOT a hookup site 13 years ago...now IT IS...
Posted: 5/22/2018 2:01:45 PM
I think a major part of the problem is that as we get older, the pickings get slimmer. Many of the good ones are already taken so are not on OLD.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Divorce
Posted: 5/21/2018 7:54:46 PM
Falling out of love is not the most common reason for divorce. According to stats (https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/) these are the 10 most common reasons people divorce:

1) Infidelity
2) Money
3) Lack of communication
4) Constant arguing
5) Weight gain
6) Unrealistic expectations
7) Lack of intimacy
8) Lack of equality
9) Not being prepared for marriage
10) Abuse

I found it surprising to see weight gain as the 5th biggest reason for divorce. I have observed that in many marriages both the man and women get flabbier. However, I know many women gain weight while their husbands do not and its usually due to weight put on when pregnant. I would say those marriages that end because someone gains too much weight were not strong marriages to begin with, built on superficial qualities. If you love someone, you won't leave them if they gain weight. Unless they refuse to take care of themselves and continue to overeat for years, in which case it would be like living with an addict.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1083 (view)
 
Cheapskatery isn't worth it.
Posted: 5/21/2018 3:56:24 PM

Smile into the camera & let your inner sexpot show ;0)

Then let them drive the entire 2-3 hours to YOU!


Lol, not so sure about sexpot photos. But I did go to the drugstore today and buy makeup after work. Googled what kind of makeup. You might think its crazy but never bought foundation in my life. Asking the makeup lady at the counter for help was about as difficult for me as asking the person at the Canadian Tire counter if I could get my wiper blades switched. But I guess its good to get out of your comfort zone at some point. And I did a little clothes shopping, bought a dress. I'll dress up and put on the makeup for my niece's dance recital next weekend. I can just imagine both my brothers teasing me now.

Not sure about having a guy come to me though. Last time I met someone in my town at the local Tim Horton's it seemed every relative I had in the area popped up there. It was really embarrassing too because it was a guy who I did not like at all after meeting but these relatives kept coming up to the table and asking me to introduce him and I worried that rumours would fly that we were an item.


The difference b/w her & you is attitude, get some positive attitude towards yourself!

IMO (not meaning to be offensive to women) you are an 8 who is thinking & acting like a 2


Well thanks for calling me an 8, I don't believe you but thanks for saying it nonetheless. You accused me the other day of not paying enough attention to positive comments so I'm really trying. I'm really trying hard to work on my confidence as a whole, trying to find a happier me. The whole clothes/hair/makeup thing I'm planning on doing is kind of about that. I'm tired of feeling like a bottom-dweller. And lately, with losing weight slowly but surely, I have been feeling much better about myself. Every time I do a half hour of exercise, I think it makes me feel more confident. And an elderly client yesterday told me my husband was lucky to have someone like me because not only could I make a good omelette but I was really pretty too. When I told him I had no husband he told me he'd marry me if he was half the age he is now and he made me blush. He's a nice guy too, totally not a creepy old man type so it was really nice to hear.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Divorce
Posted: 5/21/2018 2:08:39 PM
In Canadian law there isn't much different between marriage and common law relationships. I have the separation papers right now and they have 3 sections: separation, divorce if applicable and child custody/support if applicable. It's all done together. When no common law relationship or marriage has occurred, then you can file separate papers for child support. However, if a relationship has taken place then an individual must initiate divorce/separation proceedings to figure out child support/custody. This is usually why the woman is often the one to initiate the divorce/separation. It doesn't usually benefit the man to do it unless he is going for primary custody.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 39 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/21/2018 12:04:37 PM
You speak a tad non-sensically so I have trouble understanding what you are saying sometimes. Sorry, I didn't quite comprehend what you were trying to say earlier in your post. You were talkiny about Jim Crow laws but we were talking about feminism.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 204 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/21/2018 11:57:33 AM
I don't care if I have to do the nursing and the cooking as long as I have someone to deal with all the car stuff and fixing things. I'm doing it all now anyways on my own, might as well get that with the bonus of sex out of the deal 😎

I think the trouble with both men and women nowadays is the attitude that everyone is fine the way they are and no one is worth improving yourself for. That's called complacency. I have gone on meetups with guys from pof that put zero effort into their appearance with creased shirts and uncombed hair and they smell like body odour, may be not even deodorant on. At least wear a nice pair of jeans and a shirt, put some product in your hair and a subtle cologne. Let me know you are trying to put a good first impression forward. And I will try and do the same, dress pretty, wear jewellery, do my hair and nails, maybe put a little makeup on. I used to believe I should just dress casually, be myself but I've come to realize that if I want to impress a certain kind of man, I need to step up my game. In no way am I saying be fake and artificial and not true to yourself, just try a bit more with your appearance. And all you guys who whine that they shouldn't have to chase a woman or even impress them, think again. Men and women should try hard to impress each other. That's a key part to the courting process.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 30 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/20/2018 9:56:56 PM
Huh? I'm not clear in what you are saying. Race and gender rights are two very different issues.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 302 (view)
 
You're gonna get friend zoned
Posted: 5/20/2018 9:39:06 PM
The answer would have been to not get with him in the first place. And true, I should have left but I was a coward, plain and simple and I didn't want to move back home and be a burden on family or have them know I was in the situation. I hid it all from my family for years or so I thought. And then I felt ashamed of myself and I accepted my life as the best I could get. Not proud of myself. But I always had a longterm goal to leave. The first was get him to leave the province and go to the province I was from. I knew that if I left I would never be able to take the kids out of the province we were in without his permission (legally, the kids must remain in the province of residence). Eventually got him to do that and. then after a year we moved closer to my family and then the last year I started being rebellious, quit listening to him and he saw the writing on the wall and found someone else. But I did have to be smart about it all. After a few years I was aware he was mentally ill and I began to learn how to manage him and I learned how to handle his various episodes. Lucky thing he wasn't so smart and he never realized he was being handled. But I knew last year that I would finally have the guts to move out by January. Something just changed in me that I quit being afraid.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1077 (view)
 
You're gonna be friend zoned
Posted: 5/20/2018 9:21:23 PM

If so- spend 20 on a babysitter for two hours and pay for the whole date pick something you can afford- two hour walk in the park sharing a coke...
or saying does nt matter how much he spends?


Unfortunately, none of the dates I've gone on have been with local guys. More often the guy lives 2 to 3 hours away so we meet in a halfway spot. That's the problem with living in a rural area, there's slim pickings locally. So to go on a date I have to drive at least an hour.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 182 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/20/2018 6:07:21 PM
Yes, I think maybe the guy I describe is a lot like my dad. My dad is a tall man who farmed in the summers and went into the bush in B.C. in the winter to work as a logger (lumberjack). He's good at fixing stuff and building stuff.

I am conscious that maybe I do see qualities of what I want in a man the same as my dad's qualities. However, I am also aware that my father had a lot of trauma in his childhood and adolescence which let to a drinking problem and self-sabotaging relationships, including that of his marriage to my mom. He was married thrice. But my mom, even years later still loves my dad I believe even though she will never ever get back together with him because he was always the life of the party, had a great sense of humour, loved to dance and have fun and worked hard at the same time. But he was a cheater too. I definitely don't want a guy with those issues. But I am close to my dad, I always have been his little girl I guess and despite his shortcomings, certain qualities of his remain important ones I look to in a man.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1073 (view)
 
Pay for your own whine
Posted: 5/20/2018 5:56:39 PM
I have a done a few meet-and-greets (I don't call first meetings with guys dates) and I have said ahead of time that for meetups we will pay dutch. This way I don't feel bad if I don't like the guy. However, on official dates I do expect the guy to pay. The date costs me enough money as it is because I pay a babysitter (the going rate is about $50 for 5 hours) so I can actually go on a date so I don't think its an unreasonable expectation. Sometimes I might volunteer to pay for extras like popcorn and drinks at a movie. And I don't expect to go anywhere extravagant or anything. The point of a date is just to go out and have a good time and it doesn't matter how much money is spent.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Vagina unsettles me
Posted: 5/20/2018 5:49:02 PM
Maybe it was just the individual vagina that turned you off or you just were too uncomfortable and it fills you with anxiety. I was about 15 when I first saw a guy's penis for the first time. I was at a party, had been making out with a guy and the guy took it out and wanted me to suck it. I definitely wasn't ready for that or comfortable and I got up and left the party. Actually made me feel physically sick. Avoided making out with any guy for a couple years. When you aren't ready, you aren't ready and sometimes the anxiety that comes with doing something sexual you aren't ready for (ie. touching a vagina in the first place) was too much for you to be comfortable with.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 26 (view)
 
The feminist man-hating agenda undertone is most women's profiles
Posted: 5/20/2018 5:40:28 PM
I am a proud feminist but it is important to denote that there are 3 main feminist camps:

CAMP A
The man-hating feminist. Believes women are better then men and that women can and should live without men. If a woman is to be with the man, they must be the ones in charge of the relationship and not the man.

CAMP B
The equality-in-everything feminist. Believes women should be equal in everything to men. Believes in eliminating differences between men and women in all aspects of life.

CAMP C
The egalitarian feminist. Believes men and women are equally important and share equality in decision-making but have important differences and roles of equal importance.

I'm in Camp C. I think gender roles are important and having men and women occupy different roles is not a bad thing. However, a woman should be given every opportunity to pursue whatever career or position in society they aspire to but should not be looked down upon by aspiring to traditional gender roles. And I will repeat MOST FEMINISTS DO NOT HATE MEN. Because the word "feminist" carries such a bad connotation I often will not refer to myself as a feminist to separate myself from the more extreme feminists. I will call myself an egalitarian feminist though.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1071 (view)
 
You're gonna be friend zoned
Posted: 5/20/2018 5:20:34 PM
I know a few female divorcees that are living quite well, they work part time but get decent child support payments. I can't identify with them at all.

A major reason I didn't leave my ex is because of a co-worker I had in the same situation as me. She had a husband who barely worked because he couldn't seem to keep a job and he cheated on her at times too. She left him but he went to court, got primary custody of their kids because he claimed he was a stay-at-home dad (often he had his parents look after the kids when she was at work but they lied for him) and she ended up having to pay him child support. Despite the fact that she basically did almost everything for those kids. Gradually over time the kids spent more and more time at her place until she had them 95% of the time but he told her if she told the courts and quit paying the child support that he'd take them back for most of the time giving her only visitation again.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 178 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/20/2018 5:06:07 PM
I've been thinking about this. I want a masculine guy. I'm actually more attracted to guys who are more macho, have jobs that involve working in the trades or farming or forestry, that type of work. And while I like to make my own decisions, I don't mind a more outgoing dominant guy, providing he's also considerate of my feelings. I do not want a pushover.

I feel like because I want a more masculine man then maybe I should be a bit more feminine. I've always been a tomboy, never comfortable to be wearing makeup or dresses or the like. And I was always into sports and the outdoors. So maybe I didn't give off the most feminine of appearances. Maybe this is why I was often overlooked by the more masculine men because I wasn't girly enough. However, back in my university days I did doll up to go out with friends to dances or bars or clubs and I did enjoy it and I did get attention from guys. I felt pretty. Today I actually bought a dress and makeup and I think I want to start dressing differently, maybe get out of my jeans and t-shirts and hospital scrubs, start trying to be more feminine. I don't exactly feel natural in the stuff but it makes me feel good. I feel like maybe I need to change and I want to change. Maybe sometimes I was just hiding in jeans and t-shirts so I didn't put myself out there.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1066 (view)
 
Grown men don’t need approval to go Dutch
Posted: 5/20/2018 11:08:02 AM
I can say why my income went down post-divorce. After we separated I could no longer pick up extra hours and overtime due to lack of childcare and I had to switch positions to make my work schedule work with childcare better so I lost money there too. Most shifts I am offered are last-minute and I can't find a babysitter on time. Also, I feel guilty picking up more hours because my kids are already coping with one parent gone and I can't be absent as well too much. A third reason I work less is because now that I am alone I have to do all the household stuff on my own so I need more time for that as well. And now that I'm going to permanently be a one-income household its gonna be harder to make ends meet. Luckily now that I'm single my Canada Child Tax Benefit increases which does help.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Having something to offer..!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2018 5:53:36 PM
The bottom line is that we all have things we are confident and all have things we are not. And some of the better relationships have things where both people bring different things to the table. To be needed and valued is paramount.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 148 (view)
 
Attractive Qualities
Posted: 5/19/2018 2:03:19 PM
You have a lot of words of wisdom. It was a nice read. I liked the part you said regarding smaller parties and with less options you still pick someone to get to know. That's one of the things which makes online dating so terrible. With having the impression there's unlimited fish in the sea, more options makes us fussier. If you got send 10 messages online, you might decide none of the people are worth replying to. However, if you were sat at a singles table at a wedding with 5 of them, you might pick one to pursue.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Having something to offer..!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2018 1:49:13 PM
Lol, my problem is I'm not technical-savvy. I'm fairly booksmart and people smart but I have a lot of problems talking to people about things which I have no clue about. My dad spent like 5 hours when I was 15 teaching me how to change a tire. I did not catch on well and even though I learnt that day, 4 months later I had a flat tire and could not figure it out. My head just does not work for that kind of thing. Its pretty frustrating. I always sucked at math too because I could never remember the orders of operations. My marks in school were straight As except in math class and shop class. My mom still has the tool box I made in shop class I in Grade 11 but it looks like something a Grade 1 made. I have the wiper blades but after trying to follow the instructions and looking at youtube videos I had to admit defeat it was so frustrating. And then going into the store and feeling like a stupid girl having to ask for help is like eating dirt.

I am aware I suck at technical stuff but I know I have lots of strengths too. When it comes to confidence, I lack a lot of it now. When I was younger I found it easier. Years of being called names and being belittled by a guy makes me a somewhat nervous talking to men about certain things. For instance, my ex would never put things together and when I'd try he would make fun of what I'd do when I would ask him for help, say I was stupid and stuff. And when it comes to mechanics, the last time I went to a mechanic I got chewed out for driving with a certain light on the dash to the mechanics shop. And another time, I took a vehicle to a mechanic and he scammed me a lot of money because I didn't know much about cars. I find mechanics very intimidating. I know a lot of women who do. The mechanics know that we don't know much about cars and they take advantage of that.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 104 (view)
 
Never been married suddenly at 50 you wanna marry someone REALLY
Posted: 5/19/2018 11:38:33 AM
Nurture is usually the culprit although there have been some studies on testosterone levels influencing men going after multiple women. Sometimes there is a strong physical drive to cheat and it depends on individual self-control on whether they are successful at staying faithful.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Left heartbroken and confused
Posted: 5/19/2018 11:28:53 AM
You'd benefit from a group living situation. Advertise for another disabled person to be roommates with. Companionship is important and there are many others in the same boat. I work in home care and I see it all the time. So many lonely people living alone. Some people who live alone are not lonely, they are content but they have outlets to get their psychological needs met. Seeing all the lonely people who live alone really affects the way I see things in life. I do not want to be alone once my kids are all up and out.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Having something to offer..!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2018 9:45:04 AM
This is a good question. I think, when it comes to longterm committed relationships, its important that both persons offer different skills into a relationship. For instance, I love to cook and bake and I think I am pretty good at it so I don't care if a guy knows how to cook or not. However, I really suck at car stuff so it would be really awesome if a guy had skills in that area. Like, for instance, I need new wiper blades on my car so I have to find someone who can do that for me. I never had to deal with car stuff before. I actually am kind of intimidated going up to the automotive counter at Canadian Tire to ask them to book me an appointment to put the blades on. If I have something that breaks down on my vehicle, no idea how I'm going to actually get to talk to a mechanic. They really intimidate me. I don't like talking to people when I know very little about what's being talked about. But I've tried youtubing videos on the basics of cars and my eyes glaze over.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Too much emphasis and fear of being alone
Posted: 5/19/2018 9:07:13 AM
I don't think its sleazy at all. People enter these relationships with people that are wrong for them or with people they aren't that into with the best of intentions. They want success in their relationship, hope that if they try hard enough at it that it'll lead to happiness. Seldom it pans out. They enter these relationships for one of 10 main reasons:

1) they think that this is the best person they can get, that the people they really want are too high above their league (ie. beggars can't be choosers)
2) they've been lonely too long and have been going through a dry spell
3) they suffered through a really bad breakup and this person is "safe" to be with because they can't break your heart
4) the sex is really good, at least at first
5) pressure from friends and family to stay with the person
6) being too afraid of hurting the person's feelings to break up with them
7) the person is really good-looking
8) they want the status of being in a relationship, they want the big wedding
9) all their friends are in relationships and you are tired of being the lone duck
10) they want kids and worry if they wait any longer they will not be able to have any

I can say that mine was number 3. I won't ever make that mistake again. If I ever settle down with someone again it will be for the right reasons.



Hopefully a person learns from the above and doesn't repeat the process but there's many who do.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 295 (view)
 
You're gonna get friend zoned
Posted: 5/18/2018 10:54:00 PM
The reason I said I wouldn't change anything is because if I had tried to leave I might now be dead. My fear was real. And at that time I had no money so it was an impossibility to me. My ex never actually hurt me physically but certain things he said that started with the words "If you ever leave me..." struck terror into me when I saw the look in his eyes. The way I finally got out of my relationship was slowly over time get him to stop wanting to be with me, eventually leading to him cheating and finding someone new to replace me with.

And yes, the above post is what I consider successful.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 292 (view)
 
You're gonna get friend zoned
Posted: 5/18/2018 10:32:57 AM
Wanting a "successful" man isn't shallow, its smart. Back when I was young and stupid I thought "love" and attraction were enough. Now I've learned stability is just as important. By this I mean, a guy must have a decent education (at least a high school diploma), a good employment history, and must be standing on his own two feet (be able to pay his own basic living expenses) and he shouldn't be in trouble with the law. If a guy doesn't have these things, it would be dumb to get into a serious relationship with him.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 111 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/17/2018 1:05:30 PM
I don't message guys first online unless they favourite me. its like in real life when you wait for someone to signal you that they are interested. Sometimes I favourite guys to indicate interest and sometimes that works. However, the big reason I don't message anyone first is because I have kids and because I'm slightly overweight which are dealbreakers for many guys so at least if they message me first, I know its not a dealbreaker.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 33 (view)
 
..but they're blowing smoke up your...
Posted: 5/17/2018 12:55:13 PM
In the under 40 group, the bulk of smokers are less educated and of lower income, at least that's the Canadian stats. In the above 40 group, this doesn't appear to be the case because smoking was much more common and acceptable prior to the 90s.

Something I've always found interesting is as a home care assistant my office is in the hospital and I always see all the OLDER health care workers smoking outside at the smoking gate and a mix of doctors, nurses, diagnostic staff and support staff. There are also a few younger workers but all are either cleaning staff or food service staff. Smoking became marginalized at my age group and its looked down on. But if you are over 40 this is not usually the case. Several years ago it became illegal to smoke indoors in public spaces and most rental units and hotels ban it as well. So it became isolating as well for people who smoke.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 74 (view)
 
What the heck is up with men wearing women's underwear?
Posted: 5/17/2018 8:41:53 AM
I would be 100% turned off if a guy wore women's underwear. Not sexy whatsoever.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 262 (view)
 
Men are funnier than women
Posted: 5/17/2018 8:40:20 AM
Holy toledo, you have some incorrect ideas about women.

Insecure women have an issue with their men going out with buddies JUST LIKE insecure men have a an issue with their women going out with their friends. The genders are definitely not different from each other. And the insecure person is not always the problem. Does the insecure person have reason to believe someone is being unfaithful or neglectful towards them? If one spouse is always leaving the other at home and going out without them, can you really blame that person for feeling upset?

Women use humour too but the humour between women is different than men. Neither can be considered funnier, just different. Yes, you are right that women do talk about their emotions and sensitive issues more though.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 221 (view)
 
How Many Ladies Use Sex Toys
Posted: 5/17/2018 8:33:09 AM
I like wearing lingerie, it makes me feel sexier and more confident. It accentuates certain things while de-accentuating other less-desired attributes. If a boyfriend got me lingerie, I would be happy

When it comes to guys masturbating when they are in a relationship, I will say it would depend. When I was in a relationship where sex for me became a chore, I would be relieved when he'd do himself. However, if I was in a relationship with a man I wanted to have sex with and he did it in the other room when I was there perfectly available I would be pretty ticked off and probably have hurt feelings too. Unless I was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep or I had my time of month in which case I would definitely be okay with it.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 60 (view)
 
What do you do for fun in your 30s and up?
Posted: 5/17/2018 8:17:08 AM
I wish there was a website for meeting friends with common interests that people in my area actually used. I think our fun as we get older, depends largely on whether we are married or single. Married people at least have each other although there are certainly enough marriages where togetherness is definitely lacking and either person can feel isolated from fun, especially when there are young kids at home and one spouse is always the one looking after them with no breaks. But married couples can also hang out with other married couples and if both have kids that's even better,

Single people need friends. I have a lot of friends but almost none live within 200 kilometres of me so I can't get together for coffee or anything with anyone. And there's no one at work that I'm developed enough of a rapport with to meet outside of work, 90% of the time I am out independently on client visits so I'm not in an office environment working directly with any other co-workers. I do have two friends that I've tried to cultivate better friendships with but neither have any common interests with me. I'm not into only sitting down for coffee at Tim Horton's for three hours. I'd like to go out for walks with someone or join a slo-pitch league or soccer league or something but I don't want to go by myself.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 260 (view)
 
Women making the first move...
Posted: 5/17/2018 8:04:51 AM

Men don't like to be alone. Women tend to be social and can completely enjoy our lives without men.


I'm not so sure this is true. If anything, I think men have an easier time being alone because they are less social. But I'm not a man so I can't speak for them.

I do know how I feel being alone. When I was younger, my guys were friends, I only had brothers and I was really close to my dad, always doing the outside work on the farm, and I did lots of sports too. But when they went and got girlfriends (ALL of them, my friends, brothers, dad included) I felt kind of abandoned I guess. I ended up with lots of girl friends in high school and university but I think I really missed the relationships I had with males. Add in hormones and a lot of attraction I had to various men and it equalled me really wanting a guy. But I hunkered down in university, going to school full time and working 40+ hours a week and having an active social life so I told myself to avoid men because I didn't want distractions and my feelings on relationships (thanks to my parents) were negative.

Eventually I decided to date, had a few boyfriends. And generally, when I've been single, I haven't been content to not have a man, even if my life has been busy and I'm always around people. Yes, not having sex is a big part of it now for me, but the major thing is that I miss basic intimacy. I no longer have any close female friends around, no one I can be on a level playing field with and I think that makes be for desirous of a relationship. Yet I know that right now, I lack the means (time) for one. So I feel very very lonely at times, especially at night after the kids go to bed and I have no one to talk to and no one lying in bed beside me. I'm not sure I can ever get to be okay with it. I tried to stay off of POF but at night I always find myself logging on and answering messages and having conversations with guys. I just crave that communication and it fills the void slightly for me.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 104 (view)
 
Why so many physically unattractive men on here??
Posted: 5/17/2018 7:48:59 AM
The major problem with a lot of these "average nice guys" is that they aren't aggressive enough. Disagree with me all you like, but I still expect the man to make the first move. I have conversations with these guys who message me but they ****-foot around the conversation and don't ask you out even though it seems they are going to. Then another guy messages you and starts talking and asks you out pretty quickly.

I'm not knocking these average nice guys. I fully understand the fear of rejection. I think if this were real life, it would be much easier because both of us would be able to get an idea of how we feel about each other by body language. Instead, online it is just guesswork and if you are worried you won't measure up, you hesitate to even ask for a date because you fear you'll get all excited to meet someone in person and they won't like you from first glance. So you try talking to a girl online quite a bit to gage if she really might like you. This is where I think asking to video chat is a useful tool at your disposal. You can see someone live online and give them a chance to see you and figure out if they might want to go out with you.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 31 (view)
 
..but they're blowing smoke up your...
Posted: 5/17/2018 7:41:08 AM
Some people just lack motivation or resilience to maintain employment. I lived 9 years with someone with that problem and it took me a while to figure it out. For the first couple years I just believed he'd had a run of bad luck but when a person gets "laid off" or "fired unfairly" or "quit because the working conditions were too awful" too many times in a row, you start to realize it's the individual person, not the employers that are the problem. Bottom line was he was just lazy, he was a poor worker because he did not want to work hard and lacked the desire to do well. And there were cues I should have knew to look at. He was a high school dropout who I learned a few years in dropped out in Grade 9 at the age of 16. He wasn't dumb, he could compute and read fine, but in his words he'd had "no interest in school" and "school was useless for him". Not having that Grade 12 diploma kept him from a lot of jobs so if he wanted to make good money, his only option was jobs with a hard labour component. Yet he complained and complained, constantly tried for jobs above what he could get. I was working fulltime and overtime at a job with crummy pay (I could not find a job with my double-Bachelor degree) and he would get so mad at me for making him work at minimum-wage jobs that he considered beneath him. Well, in my opinion, it was his own damn fault not finishing school so he could get better employment. Then about 4 years in, he got into a program to get paid to finish his high school degree, he fooled around for 6 months then got tossed from the program for lack of work completed. Pathetic. In 9 years, he was probably unemployed more than he was employed and went through maybe 30 jobs. Hopeless.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 248 (view)
 
Women making the first move...
Posted: 5/15/2018 10:23:48 PM
You'd be surprised how many older m3n there are out there who lived with their mothers all their life and then when their mothers die they quickly get married. they want someone to take care of them like their mother kid.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 101 (view)
 
CLEAVAGE
Posted: 5/15/2018 1:24:30 PM
That's exactly what I figured. It does seem to me that guys don't really care too much about a woman's interests are as guys who respond to my profile appear to not even have read it. Women spend such a long time editing and perfecting their profile but 90% of what draws the guy is the pic. For women, it's the pic that will draw a woman in to looking at the profile. I'd say the guy's pic is 10% for the women and 70% is the profile contents and 20% is the initial message.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 97 (view)
 
CLEAVAGE
Posted: 5/15/2018 8:43:16 AM
Maybe but it comes down to the male ego. Men feel better about themselves if they have the better-paying job. Relationships between men who make more money than the women have a much better success rate. It also comes down to practicality. Often the woman is the primary caregiver of children and the amount of hours she can work are less plus she needs to take time off work so the man must be the provider. Yes, this is changing a bit but most men I know have no desire to see the roles reversed.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 26 (view)
 
..but they're blowing smoke up your...
Posted: 5/15/2018 8:33:38 AM
I think the smoking thing might be generational. My mom is on POF and though she's a non-smoker she will date someone who smokes because she says at least half the men in her age group smoke. For my generation, 20 years younger, I'd venture to guess only about 5% of guys in my age group in my area smoke. I know smoking rates are a lot lower in Canada because of all our taxes and every year more quit for health and money reasons. So non-smokers don't even have to consider smokers. I think perhaps smokers have it even tougher than short guys to find a date. But smoking is a lifestyle choice so they are boxing themselves in.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 124 (view)
 
Attractive Qualities
Posted: 5/15/2018 7:50:55 AM
I dislike beards and most facial hair on guys in general. Would much rather kiss a cleanshaven guy. When it comes to clothes, the guys I'm attracted to are your typical jeans and t-shirt guys. But NOT skinny jeans, yuck.

I often wondered throughout my life how to attract guys better. I don't think I'm that bad looking when I look at myself in mirror, even with the extra weight and I try to give myself a confident aura. But I think I really suck at flirting, I'm just not comfortable doing that. When I was in high school, the group of girls I hung out with seemed to have the art down well. We used to go to parties and before I knew it they'd already start the flirting with the guys of their choosing and before long be making out. I just couldn't do that unless I partaked in alcohol, in which case, it all my nerves went away. And in university, it was the same way. I had friends try to help me but I just found it weird. I think it was problematic seeing guys as targets or something. I grew up with only brothers and mostly guy friends (until the above-named high school girls). I've always been so good at being friends with guys but making myself into a sexual interest proved kind of terrifying. My natural personality is I'm a tomboy, not necessarily girly, I was always into sports and never much into pretty clothes or makeup, just wasn't my thing. But guys like girls to be feminine and it's something I struggled with. I always had guys I had big crushes on but I always friend-zoned myself. And because I friend-zoned.myself, often guys probably thought about me as just one of the guys and I heard all their thoughts about girls they liked, even the lewd thoughts. Knowing what was going on their heads made me even more sketched out.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 95 (view)
 
CLEAVAGE
Posted: 5/15/2018 6:47:08 AM
A man showing off his chest or sending you a dicpic comes off as only in it for sex.

The smile is the biggest thing that attracts a woman visually but women read profiles a lot more than men and they look for indications of personality. Also, when a guy says he has his own house and a good job, it's very attractive. Looks are maybe 30% of it. And with looks, I'd say after the smile, height is the most second most important feature. Another thing that many women (not all) look for is a guy that has no facial hair.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 360 (view)
 
Calling Kids baggage
Posted: 5/14/2018 5:07:48 PM
What really bugs me about your posts though is your implicit suggestion that I am going to do a bad job with all this. You called me naive, said I was smoking a crackpipe, basically called me stupid. I'm not sure where you got the idea that I don't like my kids, I may have joked about giving them away a time of two but that was just joking. I have always tried hard to be as good mom as I could to my kids. Before my split, everything I ever did was for them and I barely did anything for myself but since the split I've been trying to get happier and healthier for both them and me and figure out the new normal for us. I think maybe there has been some misconstrued ideas between us about what it means to put kids first. Look, I'm not going to push my kids aside to please a man or anything like that. I expect any guy to be respectful towards my kids and my kids to be respectful towards them. I put my kids psychological and physical well-being above anything else. I was a kid with a really chaotic home life at times and I'm trying really hard to make things right for my kids. I just feel you are a bit judgy.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 354 (view)
 
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY
Posted: 5/14/2018 12:30:31 PM
I'm sorry Blonde Angel 1. You are completely right. And I really appreciated your earlier post, it brought tears to me eyes. I'm sorry for focussing on the negative comments. I'm really trying to be remain positive. I just keep seeing these comments about single mothers and it really gets to me. I'm not interested in a pity party. I apologize.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 348 (view)
 
Calling Kids baggage
Posted: 5/14/2018 9:25:24 AM
To site to site. I realized early on that I didn't want to be with my ex but I couldn't leave. I know it sounds stupid that I stayed but if I could go back I probably wouldn't change anything. I was afraid that he'd kill me if I tried leaving, really scared. And I still believe he would have. And as for having kids with him, two were not planned but again, I know it sounds so stupid, I really thought I could just trudge through and make everything better, keep him happy and make lemonade out of the situation. I know it all sounds so ridiculous to someone who hasn't ever been in that type of situation but it's the truth. And you can't begin to understand what living in a situation like I did did for my self-esteem. I was always ashamed of myself for not being brave enough to leave, I never expected myself to ever end up in such a situation. I was talking to my best friend this year and she said out of all our friends, I would have been the last one to end up in that type of situation. She said I had always been strong and independent, I always went my own way, never gave in to peer pressure, fought for things I believed in.

I don't want a guy to take care of me. I'm capable of standing on my own two feet. I'm actually afraid of letting myself have any sort of vulnerability with a man. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't think that's such an abnormal thing to want. Maybe it will never happen, maybe I will never find a good guy who I want to be with. But I refuse to be cynical and pessimistic about the whole idea.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 347 (view)
 
Calling Kids baggage
Posted: 5/14/2018 9:04:27 AM
Technically, it's illegal to deny anyone housing due to family status. It's guaranteed in the charter of human rights and if a landlord is proven to deny anyone, they can be charged for discrimination. However, they can be selective in who they accept. Because my area is relatively small, I have noticed that when housing is posted on online garage sale and elsewhere it is often the same families applying over and over. And because I work homecare and know a lot of people I have found out many of the people getting accepted are either older or are childless couples or single people. I understand not wanting to rent to someone with kids. Many of the apartments for rent are in in buildings that don't have any kids and the landlords like a quiet atmosphere without a bunch of little kids making any noise. And a lot of the houses for rent are houses that have been fixed up to sell and are on sale (meaning if they sell, you have to move out if you are a renter) so kids would be a risk. Pets, too, are a no-no. I have also found that when I was with my ex, I had a lot easier time finding a place to rent. I think sometimes I do get denied because I am a single mother. The only family rental housing which exists where I am is the subsidized housing which I don't qualify for because of my income. If I moved away to a big city I could find housing much easier I believe because There's better vacancy rates and more housing targeted to families but I don't want to remove my kids from the extended family support system that they have.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 103 (view)
 
Attractive Qualities
Posted: 5/14/2018 8:49:15 AM
I'll disagree with the swineguy too. A person cannot help the face they are born with. Women can at least add makeup but men don't have that option.

Yes, weight can be helped but it's definitely not easy. I've been struggling with my weight for years yet I live a healthy lifestyle, watch what I eat and exercise. If I didn't I'd probably be a lot bigger. Many people can't fathom how difficult it really can be for many people to maintain a good body weight.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 342 (view)
 
Calling Kids baggage
Posted: 5/14/2018 8:32:16 AM
And I will re-state once again, my reasons for living at my mom's are not because I'm broke and can't afford it. I'm having a lot of trouble finding a place to rent with kids. I have applied at 19 different places already and no one has accepted us. There's a lack of rental units in the area and unfortunately it will take me about 2 years to save up a down payment to buy a house. My mom does also help a lot with early morning childcare which I also haven't been able to find because most daycares don't open till 7 And I need one for 6am. I know damn well I am not in a position in my life to even consider a relationship with anyone. I'm just saying that it's something I aspire to have in the future. But Stratoswitch above thinks it's selfish and crackpipe to think like that.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 341 (view)
 
Calling Kids baggage
Posted: 5/14/2018 8:23:06 AM
Exactly Moraima. It is a matter of trying to find that balance.

I struggle at times with the being a happy parent and if you judge me for that, I don't think it's fair. Sometimes after working a 40+ work week in a job which sometimes takes a mental toll and looking after 3 kids all the rest of the time gets to be a lot, I get exhausted and tension builds and unhappiness and then I'm not the best parent I can be. Wanting to go out once a week is not a terrible thing. It's necessary. After I go out and relax for a few hours, I feel better, the stress that's built up gets relieved and I truly enjoy my time away. The same way a stay-at-home mother in a two-parent family feels getting to go out at the end of the week. It's called self-care and it makes you a better parent, a better healthcare worker. Going out is not abandoning your kids unless you are neglecting them which is a whole other problem.

Just because I'm optimistic about finding a guy to settle down with one day, maybe a couple years from now when I'm ready, doesn't mean I'm not a realist. I know the odds are slim. But calling me a crackpipe smoker and naive is bull.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 337 (view)
 
Calling Kids baggage
Posted: 5/14/2018 12:25:59 AM

Don't take this the wrong way but you don't seem to like your kids too much and from what you post they sound like one huge burden to you. Just because someone writes a book does NOT make it a good idea. Your children come FIRST before any man, ALWAYS. Also they come first before YOURSELF and your sex drive. You had them, you owe it to them to be there for them always and put THEIR needs above your own, always. Instead of worrying about finding some loser who may want you to grunt a few more of these burdens out, put down the crack pipe, get your head screwed on straight and your priorities in order. REPEAT after me. MY CHILDREN COME FIRST.

HELLO! The chances of you finding a decent man thats willing to take on a ready made family is extremely LOW. You are so Naive I have NO doubt that alone increases their chances of being harmed. Some perv is going to use you to get to your kids. He will feed you the lines and you will suck it up like a love sick puppy. Smarten up, grow up, QUICK, for the sake of your children. This isn't a Harlequin romance novel, it's the real cruel rotten old world.


Cruel rotten world? What a grim perspective.

I think you are failing to understand a lot of the things I have said. You can be damn sure I love my kids. You have no idea the time and energy I spend day after day on them and I do it as a loving mother. However, when you say the words "My children come first" what does that exactly mean? Sacrifice everything, sacrifice your own happiness for them? Because doing that I don't think you are doing your children any favours. Children live what they learn. If kids see you doing all that self-sacrificing it will instill in them a drive to do that as well. I'd rather teach my children to strive for the best for themselves for their own happiness.

You probably don't know this about me but I've mentioned it in other posts. I hold a Bachelor of Human Ecology degree with a specialization in Child and Adolescent Development. A great deal of my studies regarded building resilience in children. Basically that means providing the conditions which lead to success as adults in children. And doing everything for kids doesn't do them a lot of good. There's a tendency in today's family dynamics to centre the family around the children. However, if you look at earlier generations, the family unit was centred around the parents. And when this was the case, children tended to be much more resilient. Unlike today's so-called "millennials" which are used to having everything focused on them.

I understand where you are coming from, worried about me holding on to the pathetic idea of one day finding a guy to join my family and thinking I'd risk my kids getting exposed to perverts or degenerate losers. It's a valid concern because it happens often enough. I worked 3 years in an adolescent group home, read the case files on maybe a hundred kids and many of their stories involve parents who didn't have their children's best interests at heart. So I'm not naive. However, I am hopeful that maybe in a couple of years, finding a good man will be possible. And I'm not going to commit to any man all willy-nilly. I grew up with parents that went through countless relationships, I had many different step-parents over the years. I remember so much about it all, was affected so much and I look at myself and my kids now and I definitely don't want to expose my kids to some some of the stuff I had to deal with. So if one day I do find a man I want to be with, he had better be a good man who can function in my family well. And my kids will have to be respectful to him, treat him as any other adult family member. I would like my kids to have an example of a good relationship. I'm only sorry that I did such a piss-poor job of giving them a good foundation to start off with but I can't go back and change the past. I can only go forward.
 
Show ALL Forums