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 Author Thread: A weird experience, your views please...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 33 (view)
A weird experience, your views please...
Posted: 8/12/2012 9:11:50 AM
I am with dmz visitor. I don't know about her being vindictive and a user. The argument breached a trust. She probably really wanted to get past her own feelings, but found she couldn't.
I don't understand if the flowers were specifically requested and were part of some make-up settlement, but if they were--that is ridiculous. And it was perpetuated by the OP as much as it was by this woman. It is time to move past the 1950's--men shouldn't be buying forgiveness from their lovers.
This sounds like a lesson learned.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 20 (view)
How long before calling it quits?
Posted: 8/12/2012 8:59:55 AM

You seem to have a guy who is understanding and willing to work with you and take what little time you can afford to spend with him. Your story kind of makes me wonder if your man might be wishing he could have a full-time girlfriend, you know, one who is available on a regular basis

I agree with this and with Abelian. You need more time together, if it is going to work.
Take a weekend together. A whole weekend.
If you still feel indifference and resistance from him, it may be time to reevaluate.
I am not sure about calling it quits though. That is up to you to decide.
Good luck.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
Leaving the Door Open
Posted: 7/29/2012 1:00:59 AM
You will figure this out, just be honest with yourself. I know myself and a few of my female friends can become quite deluded when we are "in love." We see only what we want to see. Now, with some distance, you can look at the whole picture.

Also, do not watch any romantic comedies while you are sorting things out.
That's all I have.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 120 (view)
40 year old virgin question?
Posted: 7/19/2012 2:27:30 PM
If I met a 40 year old virgin, I would be curious. I wouldn't run away or think he was a freak.
Some people are really shy, or don't know how to move things along.
People can be so cruel on these forums.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 34 (view)
Non-virgin sexual camels
Posted: 7/18/2012 5:39:32 PM
love your new pic, oldhag.
Errr, I mean hippo-rabbit.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 61 (view)
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 5:34:59 PM

1. I find it interesting that so many posting here say she cheated. After looking at so many other threads, I came to the understanding that until the "exclusive talk" came about cheating wasn't possible because there was no relationship.

2. From what I understand FWB relationships are just that. Again no relationship = no cheating.

3. OP you said that you believed her when she said that she hadn't slept with another man since you became BF/GF, perhaps she has already started to change her behaviours.

4. As was mentioned earlier, I wondered what there is in her past that is causing this behaviour. Sorry, it's just not normal even for the promiscuous.

5. She obviously has a problem with alcohol and needs to get help.


Everyone has a story.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 24 (view)
How many messages should i send before giving up?
Posted: 7/18/2012 2:48:54 AM
I am impatient also, OP.
But good things come to those who wait, or so I hear.
This is my advice:
Keep messages short (3-4 sentences) and ask some type of question that shows you have at least scanned the profile.
Send about 4-5 each day and try to forget about them as soon as they are sent.
Don't waste a lot of time cruising profiles--limit the amount of time online.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 63 (view)
How to let em know I have no friends
Posted: 7/18/2012 2:27:28 AM
Now, I think it may be more important for you to find a friend than a girlfriend.
Friends are like family that you choose for yourself.
As for telling a new girl about your situation, just be up front about it.
Because she will be wondering about your friends.
From a girl's perspective, it could be better to have no friends than to have a bunch of jerk friends.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 66 (view)
Of Forumites and Profiles
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:30:55 AM
I love looking at forumites' profiles. And I didn't know you could hide that you looked...
I have a few favorite posters that I check on every so often--especially if there is a new picture, or if their status seems to have changed.
People are interesting.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 12 (view)
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:13:49 AM
I think if you love her, you can work it out. But she does have some serious issues.
She hasn't been truthful about the past because she knew it would make you leave.
The two guys she slept with after she met you, were BEFORE you were in a committed relationship.
It sounds like she has a problem with alcohol--all of her promiscuous behavior revolves around it.

If you do stay with her, it is going to take time to build up trust. Sometimes people want to "wipe the slate clean" and act as if all is forgotten. In your shoes, I would treat it like a new relationship--be tentative and watchful. I think it took a lot of courage for her to tell you all of this.

But I would not let her go out drinking without you.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 18 (view)
dating over 30
Posted: 7/17/2012 11:46:36 PM

Does this change when the woman turns 40, 50, 60, etc ? does it ever go back down to say ... 5' 8" or so ? ;-) Answers to these questions would be helpful :-)

I can say authoritatively that height requirements continue to grow until a woman is 75. Women of 75 years can only date men who are over seven feet tall.

NBA players are very popular in this age bracket.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 22 (view)
Why does it take men so long to ask for a date?
Posted: 7/17/2012 10:23:18 PM
Some people are just here for online.
I agree with the person who said ask them out and if they make excuses, move on.
Lots of all types on here.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 28 (view)
Non-virgin sexual camels
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:18:40 PM
I have gone a few moderately long periods without sex...

The key is to make up for the lost time when you have a good partner.

In answer to your question, my celibacy was by choice (I think). I am pretty sure I could have gotten laid if I had wanted to, but I can't say for certain because I never went out hunting.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 264 (view)
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 7/17/2012 8:09:21 PM
I think it is good to ask out guys. Shy guys are absolutely the best.

The confident, outgoing guys have it easier because there are not many women willing to take the risk--but I have never regretted asking a guy out.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 43 (view)
What would you do?
Posted: 7/16/2012 5:07:22 PM
There are good guys out there. I think we can safely say that this fellow is not one of them.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 4 (view)
Emailing again after they haven't replied in a month
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:53:32 PM
It never got past texting. She barely knows you, so having some "flakiness" on her part is nothing personal. There could be a thousand reasons why she did an about face. Send a message. She may be wanting to message you, but feels too embarrassed after such a long time.

Sometimes it is easier to say "He/she won't want to talk to me again" than to take a risk.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 7 (view)
Can a relationship be too perfect?
Posted: 7/16/2012 12:34:10 AM
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Heartbreak sucks.

Sometimes people change suddenly--something may have been bubbling within her for a few weeks--and she just realized she can't string you along anymore.

And the illusion of perfection is part of the honeymoon phase of love. If you spend some time thinking about her now, after you dust yourself off a bit, you may be able to see some "imperfect" things. Moodiness, lack of sex drive, a job that takes her several hours away--these are all troublesome for a new relationship.

Good luck. You will find some true love.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 21 (view)
When Do You Call???
Posted: 7/16/2012 12:25:27 AM
I think that it is best to call 124 minutes after receiving the phone number. If you choose to wait 135 minutes, you may be playing with fire. 121 minutes is far too soon.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 9 (view)
Suspect being used, what to do?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:29:41 AM
I agree with revilors and abelian. I do not see this behavior as "using."
She may be a bit immature, but I think she was honestly interested in you, or at least in giving you a "trial run" as a lover and not just as a friend.
If you really liked her, you should have gone for it. Being standoffish because you don't really think she is in her "right mind" or whatever seems a bit strange.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 29 (view)
Define a healthy relationship
Posted: 7/15/2012 1:18:15 AM

A big problem that many couples make, is that once they enter into the relationship, they start trying to change the other into something that the other does not want. So they start to live through resentment and unmatched expectations.

I would agree that this is a problem. Living in the moment (preached in the Power of Now mentioned in the previous post) can help people avoid the problems that lead to unhealthiness in relationships. Many of us have a difficult time truly bonding and committing to another human being because we have these insecurities and fears deep within us, and as people get closer--those fears become triggered.

So to me, a healthy relationship involves trusting enough to let yourself become completely exposed and accepting your partner's deeper fears as well.

Rocking each other's world in the bedroom is pretty important too.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 105 (view)
Do weddings make you jealous?
Posted: 7/14/2012 7:56:44 PM
Sorry, I had to do this. I am a bit of a word nerd and I thought "envious" and "jealous" have slightly different connotations (not 100% synonomous) and I needed to check out if it was just my own perception. So I googled and this is what I found:

Envy and jealousy are very close in meaning. Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another: to feel envy when a friend inherits a fortune. Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves: to feel jealousy when a coworker receives a promotion. Jealousy also refers to anguish caused by fear of unfaithfulness.

I'm not trying to nitpick, just felt the need to pass it along. So I am with the earlier poster. I am envious-- I feel some longing for the bliss of true love at weddings. But I am not jealous in that I have no resentment that others have found the love.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 47 (view)
Pictures of your Ex
Posted: 7/14/2012 1:03:59 AM
I have at least one picture of every man I have ever had a relationship with. They are not in public, of course, but they are among my mementoes, in boxes on a shelf. I have a lot more of my ex husband because of the kids.

I totally agree that we need to put the past behind us, but I don't think throwing away everything really does that. A picture, like a song, can evoke strong emotions and these feelings remind us of what we learned from that particular relationship. And these lessons from the past make us stronger people for the relationships that we have today...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 113 (view)
Grocery Store Dating.
Posted: 7/10/2012 11:34:21 PM
op: you are probably the best original poster I have ever read and I have been on the forums for quite a few months now. You reply happily and kindly to everyone. I think it is awesome that you are trying your luck at the grocery store.

About four months ago, a man took my breath away in Walmart of all places. I was doing my shopping late (9ish) and we were both cruising through the grocery section. He stopped and looked at me and then I saw him again about 2 or 3 times. Each time, we exchanged glances.

He might have been a total creep, or he may have been really nice. I will never know because I did not talk to him. I promised myself that night that I would never be scared to chat up strangers in public places ever again. And I have kept true to my oath. I talk to everyone, everywhere.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 41 (view)
Where DO you feel it's okay to approach you? (women)
Posted: 7/10/2012 10:22:48 PM
I cannot think of where I would have a problem. I guess a swimming pool or a gym could be a little awkward, if I was doing laps or wearing headphones.

I like being approached and chatting with new people. I find people interesting whether there is a spark or not.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 70 (view)
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 7/6/2012 7:32:53 PM
Maybe we don't know if dying is easier alone or with a loved one, but who lives to die anyhow? For me, I know that when I take stock of my life thus far, I have very few regrets.

I am sure if I had a significant other who loved me and whom I loved, I would be as content on my deathbed as I was during my life. Some people believe that true love transcends mortality (not sure if I buy it, but it could be true).
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 138 (view)
What have you learned from your failed relationships?
Posted: 7/5/2012 9:13:34 AM
I have learned way too much to post. I will try to hit the main points.
Try to resolve all problems to everyone's satisfaction. Do not accept the unacceptable--it can become a habit.
Sexual rejection erodes all feelings of intimacy. Keep sex fun for both people.
People will not change significantly for another person--they must make all changes for themselves. Do not go in expecting to save someone, or hoping for them to change.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 19 (view)
She said it
Posted: 7/5/2012 12:16:46 AM
My friend had a daughter very young. When her little girl was about three, she began dating a man. The little girl really wanted to call him daddy. Every time she said it, they would correct her. After a few months of correcting, the man's mother stepped in and said, "This little girl really needs a father. Are you serious about this relationship? If so, let her call you daddy."

My friend is still with the guy and the little girl is in college now (I think he actually adopted her). She called him dad her entire life.

It's a nice anecdote, but I don't know if it applies to your question.

When my son was 2-3ish, every woman with glasses and grey hair was "grandma," every big dark haired guy was "daddy" and he probably called all the blondes "mommy" when I wasn't around too. And if I reacted strongly (like with complete embarrassment when he called some stranger in the grocery store "daddy"), he would see the reaction and try for it again (not purposely pushing buttons, just exploring that cause and effect thing).

Like someone said earlier, calmly correct the kid. But if the guy is still around a while from now and he's a keeper, it may be time to re-evaluate...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 121 (view)
A guy who doesn't read books. Deal breaker?
Posted: 7/4/2012 11:46:59 PM
I don't think a love of reading is critical for me. It would be nice, but it isn't a dealbreaker.
Lots of intelligent people aren't much into reading.
To each their own.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 31 (view)
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:51:11 PM
Whenever I hear the first lyrics to "My Way" it is always Sid Vicious...

This thread made me think of Willie though:

And regret is just a memory written on my brow
And there's nothing I can do about it now. ..
And I could cry for the time I've wasted
But that's a waste of time and tears,
And I know just what I'd change
If went back in time somehow
But there's nothing I can do about it now

We do the best we can with what we have available at the time. It is best to look forward...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
Maturity In A Relationship
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:27:28 PM
I love msg #4!
I think the best part of maturity is being able to talk openly. We all have immature moments, but when you have some insight into your own character and flaws, you can keep them from damaging your relationship irreparably.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 55 (view)
Better off single or with a partner???
Posted: 6/30/2012 9:15:06 PM
Don't sweat your age. It will happen when it is meant to happen. There are lots of single people of all ages. For the time being, resign yourself to being alone, but keep your heart open (just in case).

I found the "single" scene made me feel very lonely. Speed dating and socially focussed meetups, and all the flirting and mingling--a lot of time it just reminded me of my own loneliness.

Right now, I would say it is better to be with a partner because I have been dating a guy for a month that I really like. Two months ago, I would have said single is good. Good luck with whatever you choose!
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 30 (view)
New partner wants to be friends with the ex
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:32:01 PM
I'm with the "this is kind of intolerable" group. If she was open to hanging out with you, it would be different. But the scenario you describe sounds terrible.
I would be packing my boxes...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 14 (view)
For the guys: Do girls message you first?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:54:22 PM
I know I am not a guy, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in.
I always emailed first. I actually keep my profile hidden, and almost always have.
And Pig, I can't believe you have gotten 17 messages in one day! That is way too many to choose from!
I am glad I live in a one horse town.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 14 (view)
Reset Button
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:45:32 PM
crazyheart, I totally feel you on this thing. For me, being shut out is absolutely the worst thing ever.

And he did shut you out. He could have given you a few words during that week, but he didn't. And you did tell him that you wanted to communicate--you called him, texted him, etc. So I don't think this is 100% on you.

So I agree with the earlier person who said that trust is broken. Your feeling of emotional safety is compromised and I doubt whether you can renegotiate the relationship without some changes.

Now, the fact that he doesn't want to throw the whole thing away shows that he still has feelings for you. I think you have to figure out what you can live with around the whole disappearing thing, tell him what you need and hopefully he will be able to regain your trust. I wish you the best in this.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 49 (view)
How important is a Good Photo..??
Posted: 6/25/2012 10:09:25 PM

Most people would say put up your best looking photo. I personally like to put up photos that represent more me. There is a big difference.

I agree with this statement 100%.

And photo turnoffs for me are cars, motorcycles, and other women.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 50 (view)
Do weddings make you jealous?
Posted: 6/25/2012 9:55:28 PM
I don't know if jealous is the right word, but they definitely give me some mixed emotions. I went to a wedding recently and my thoughts were around how much it cost (why spend so much money on one day?) and how self indulgent the tradition is (the whole bridal party and 6000 photographs). The love part is a bit trickier. I would love to have that kind of love again one day, and seeing that it exists (even if it doesn't work out in the long run) helps to give me hope.

BUT there is also a small part of me that thinks I am an awesome person and that the universe is cruel because it hasn't sent me anyone to share my life with in the past few years. I wouldn't label this feeling as jealousy, I would say it is more along the lines of abject self pity. Oh well.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 91 (view)
Whatever happen to the sweet and innocent girl?
Posted: 6/24/2012 7:51:38 PM

Mary-Ann from Gilligan's Island, or Jeannie, or Princess Diana, or Jaclyn Kennedy,

I love this list. I would like to add:
Betty from the Archie comics.
Velma from Scoobi Doo (oh wait, she was the smart one. sorry)
Cinderella and Snow White.

As for the real people on the list, Diana and Jacqueline Kennedy, they were just real people with pretty innocent faces and piles of money to do good deeds with. I'm sure they weren't always happy with the pedestals that they were placed upon.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 920 (view)
You are Hot!!!
Posted: 6/22/2012 8:15:15 PM

Your post made me laugh quite hard. Thank you.
Cosmo is just about the funniest magazine in the world, IMO.

I will not try any "sumo lap jump on him in the middle of sex," now that I have this important information.
I am so relieved that I know.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 63 (view)
What makes men fall in love with a woman?
Posted: 6/20/2012 9:55:13 PM
I think it comes down to attraction, availability, reciprocal affection, and character.


Enough of the negative talk. Ya gotta learn to quit doing that shiat. Bad enough ya may "think" it, worse when you actually say it. Leave it for the others to slam ya. I mean, seriously. At least then, ya can tell them to go phuck themselves.

listen to Walts. He is bang on about this. Always hold your head up high.

Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
Posted: 6/17/2012 1:17:42 AM
Funny post. If you are into someone, you want to do stuff to make them happy. It is not about winning any prizes.
If a woman loves you, she will surely show you how she loves you in some way. Flowers and chocolates aren't the norm, but if that is what you want--you should let her know.

I think the thing that bothers me most is that you seem genuinely angry that your woman wanted some token of your affection. Tokens are usually the accepted way for men to show women that they are loved, but I suppose if you sat down and told her explicitly that you don't believe in them and that you will demonstrate your love in other ways, it could be okay. But the way you describe the exchange, it seems like you are gloating in your own indifference to the custom, and to her feelings around it.

Part of giving love is doing stuff to make the other person happy, whether it makes a lot of sense to us or not.

It just seems like a big power struggle to me.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 46 (view)
If We Understood the Opposite Sex Like We Understand Our Own Gender ..?
Posted: 6/15/2012 7:13:58 PM
great poem lookingforsophia!
I am on the fence about gender identity being based on nurture or nature. My guess is that it is probably a mix of both. I believe that culture has a huge impact and a lot of this stuff is passed down totally unconsciously through the generations, with only very little change. But there are some pretty important biological differences...

Personally, I kind of enjoy the confusion when I can't figure someone out. If I could read all men, then it wouldn't be much of an adventure.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 79 (view)
Is it OK to make out on the first date??
Posted: 6/14/2012 10:06:42 PM

don't mean to threadjack, but I was interested in a post like this because it happened to me about a week ago. I'm over 40 so I usually know what I am doing (I said usually), but something felt like too much too soon even though there was no way I was going to say no. I kind of told her the next day that maybe the making out was a little nuts, but it felt damn good. Her response was if it was her fault for initiating she takes full blame, but so be it. I kind of like that. A woman not apologizing for doing what she wanted when she wanted. I definitely want to see her again, but wondering how we take it back a notch after the makeout session on the first meet. We'll see I guess.

I can totally relate to this as I went through the same type of experience recently (it was a second meet though). Trying to dial it back as we speak because I like the fellow and I do not want to jump in with two feet and a blindfold on. I always say the first few dates (if you are looking for long term) should be about getting to know each other. I am glad that the weather is nice so that we can keep our dates outside for awhile. Can't get too steamy over a picnic, right?
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 50 (view)
Really don't understand guys..
Posted: 6/14/2012 9:48:37 PM
She has not said what kind of type she dates. It could have just been a string of bad luck. Unlikely, but possible. I do think that men who very actively pursue beautiful women are often "players" (whatever the heck that means). Nice awkward type guys sometimes just don't have the confidence.

@Capn: the comment about men only needing sex and food and beer was actually started by a man on the first page of this thread.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 27 (view)
What is a deal breaker?
Posted: 6/14/2012 9:18:21 PM
Dealbreakers have changed as I have gotten older.
Anyone overly superficial or immoral would probably break the deal.
I don't care about the career so much as whether or not they are happy in their life. If the first few meetings involves long rants about the boss or the ex, that is a big turnoff.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 24 (view)
Moving on from a soul mate
Posted: 6/13/2012 10:27:54 PM
Soul mate is a terribly loaded term.
Avoid it at all costs.
Sorry, I don't have anything else. You will get over this guy eventually. Let yourself villainize him for a bit.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 18 (view)
Reveling in the joys of relationships.
Posted: 6/11/2012 11:08:48 PM
My romantic relationships have brought me all kinds of wonders and taught me so many things.
My first love introduced me to sex and all its joys.
My second love showed me that people can live by their ideals and do not need to follow mainstream society.
My third love brought music into my life and to him I will be forever grateful.
My fourth love gave me beautiful children, and helped me to understand the benefits of a longer term commitment.
Sometimes, I am so eager to discover the joys of my fifth love!

Thank you for posting this thread--it reminds me of sharing coffee, and private jokes, and holding hands, and many other special things.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 46 (view)
Relationship Issues
Posted: 6/11/2012 10:37:36 PM
I can't wrap my head around love without commitment. There, I said it.

To me, part of the rush of falling in love involves that feeling of a timeless connection that transcends everything and even though I know that feeling is illusory (I have more experience than Romeo and Juliet), I cannot imagine beginning a romantic relationship without having some inkling that it could progress into a long-term relationship.
So, of course, a label helps both partners know that they are in the same stage of that commitment process.
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 70 (view)
No Pic no interest. Am I being fair?
Posted: 6/9/2012 10:59:52 AM
Nobody likes to be told "show your face!" I guess. But there are no rules in this game.
People are not being unreasonable to ask for pics and people are not being unreasonable to refuse. We just have to decide what we are comfortable with, and move on if we are not comfortable...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 28 (view)
becoming emotionally unattached
Posted: 6/9/2012 1:57:35 AM
Gertrude, I sometimes think that you and I are kindred spirits.

Even on this stupid website, some guy will reveal himself to be horrible and I will think: "He can't be that bad. What have I missed? How did I contribute to this?" Or even worse, I will decide to try to enlighten him... so silly and futile.

POF is actually helping me to realize that some people are just jackasses. Best to steer clear...
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 86 (view)
Love at first sight
Posted: 6/9/2012 1:49:43 AM
Great post above. A work of art.

I agree with ad homynom on this:

It is completely ridiculous to say there can't be any "love" at first sight because not all relationships work out in the end. By that line of reasoning, there is no love at all, no faith, no service, no nothing.

I guess that magnetic pull that we sometimes feel is more about attraction than real love, but there is the fact that it is basically unstoppable... thus the phrase "falling in" when we experience it.
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