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 Author Thread: Is anyone serious about this?
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Is anyone serious about this?
Posted: 8/13/2016 9:43:54 AM
Could be something about the online interaction that is not working for these women. You're nice-looking so it's not that. I can't see anything in your profile that makes me feel you would be empathic and understanding, but that's just me. Others are more impressed with looks and dynamism and it sounds like you are offering that. Not all women like to 'flirt' and the word seems to have different connotations for different people: one guy's 'flirting' can be interpreted by another as 'sex talk'. Maybe try to keep the flirting out of early conversations and see what happens?
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Not receiving notification of new messages
Posted: 9/8/2013 1:57:51 PM
I don't think I've had notifications for quite a while now, although I've always had the notification request box ticked. I just assumed it didn't work.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
What is going on ?
Posted: 6/6/2013 12:08:26 PM
Could it be something to do with the recently imposed age restrictions? Depends what age gap you two have. There is a thread about this in this forum.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Why do employers use recruitment agencies?
Posted: 5/21/2013 2:53:26 PM
Sorry to hear your situation OP, I know it's so disheartening and worrying when you are doing your best. The plain fact is that there are many more available workers than jobs. Why people are being pushed to apply for (er, enter the lottery for) a job, I do not know. It's a way of punishing those who haven't got a job and refusing to acknowledge the truth.

I can see that there will be fewer jobs in future per head of the population. Technology, particularly IT, is wiping out jobs left, right and centre. It's possible to get highly paid jobs if you are a systems analyst, networking specialist or internet systems person. Those are the kinds of jobs that are available that pay a decent wage. These jobs are there to make systems more efficient (work without people and human error), cheaper (with fewer people), and without duplication (get IT to do most of the repetitive work which means you only have to pay a very few, multi-talented people, who are put under a lot of pressure to do the few jobs that can't be done by some IT development). It is simply not in a business's interests to have people doing jobs these days unless they are sales or cleaning jobs. It is best to automate things.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Looking for some advice!
Posted: 5/18/2013 6:05:16 PM
Your situation seems unusual in that she spent a lot of time with you, apparently happily, and then tried to back out. You mention 'coming on too strong' and my guess would be that it started as fun and then she got the feeling that you were trying to get some sort of commitment from her or were saying things (probably unconsciously) that suggested she would be your girlfriend from now or or that the two of you would be exclusive. Also, another thing that might have happened is that you might have said things that imply you expect her to account for her time without you (because you are assuming the two of you mean more to each other). It is easy to ask what someone is doing next week, evening, tomorrow and start asking who with, going into detail, which can quickly appear invasive to someone who has a fear of being locked into a relationship before they are ready. It is not unusual for guys to do these things and then wonder why the woman backs off. One minute she's enjoying spending time with him, the next there is the (unintentional) pressure to forsake all others and explain any time away from him or spent with others.

I'm sure you would not have intended to do any of these things and I may be completely wrong anyway, but it has happened to me a few times and each time it happened, I quick conclude I can't handle such assumptions so early on in a relationship. The only option appears to be to back out quickly before I end up having to explain why I'm talking to another guy.

If you feel any of the above is true and you may have been putting pressure on her, take it off. I would say something to her, like 'sorry, didn't intend to pressure you in any way, it's best we leave it if you're not comfortable', then leave her to it. If she liked you but was just panicked, she may think about it get in touch again. If she had already decided you weren't right for her, then nothing will make a difference.

Good luck!
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Living , and dealing with Aspergers syndrome and finding love etc
Posted: 5/18/2013 5:36:14 PM
It may help to do more networking. I'm sure you've come across this but if you haven't do look it up. Getting practice at chatting to new people will help and increase opportunities. If you are kind to a girl, polite and interesting (not just talking about yourself but asking about her too), that will help. Pay attention to the usual things that girls find attractive, like clean, nice clothes, neat hair, good manners, and if you are a nice guy the girls will be supportive of you. You could be honest with them about lack of experience. If they like you, girls will be encouraging. I know a young man with Asperger's and the girls love him. They are really sweet to him and love his sense of humour and gentle nature. It does not need to be a barrier to meeting girls.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 39 (view)
 
How to stop the excitement and bond always fizzling out between the 1st phonecall and the 1st date??
Posted: 5/17/2013 6:42:58 PM
Maybe they don't feel a bond and attraction is developing when they exchange messages with you. It does happen that you can get chatting to a guy and finds after a short space of time that you feel little in common and don't feel that 'click'. Yet, on other occasions there is something instant about a connection which can then lead to a date.

I don't know what's happening for you. However, I would think carefully about what you say when 'flirting'. 'Flirting' for some guys means lots of flattery about looks (while it's nice to be thought attractive, if a guy goes on about it or chats only about physical features, it's clear he's not interested in your personality). Also, 'flirting' for some guys entails lots of suggestive comments which progressively get more into their own personal fantasies (which are irrelevant to the woman they are supposedly attempting to get to know).

Too much flattery and 'persuasion' just comes across as manipulative in the end. A guy who wanted to get to know you would ask about you and be willing to talk about all sorts of subjects, not just how much he wants to get you into bed.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Rotary Organisation - purpose?
Posted: 5/17/2013 6:31:49 PM
Actually, a TV is probably very important to an elderly lady who may not be able to get out easily and may well spend most of her time alone. It could be her only company (apart from our thoughtful friend who was trying to help her). I know not having heating is worse, but in a society where there are people who have great wealth, needing a TV to stave off loneliness is not a luxury.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Forum Link
Posted: 4/15/2013 3:15:22 PM
Thanks but I did read that post and it didn't explain why the link had been removed, just that changes had been made.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Forum Link
Posted: 4/12/2013 6:57:32 PM
I like the forums and would like the link to be reinstated. I don't know why they keep removing them. What is the point of doing that, other than to upset those who appreciate having forums?


Read post #3 !!!


the other
Any site related question not answered via the HELP link, then email CSR@POF here || Site Rules Here || Posting Clarifications Here || TOS ||
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Woman's advice. What kind of sexy pictures do I send?
Posted: 3/29/2013 6:28:33 PM
Content aside, you are likely to get into big trouble for sending this kind of stuff while at work, especially if you are using work email to do it. Many workplaces monitor emails and pick up on things like this. I certainly wouldn't risk it, even if I was into sending pictures like this (which I'm not, incidentally).
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Need some advice, all answers welcome!
Posted: 3/26/2013 4:33:36 PM
Best not to post a conversation online. She, or a friend of hers, might see it. Also, if you do post anything like this, take out any identifying hints like names, places. Just basic internet wisdom really.

Regarding your main point, she got in touch with you so she's interested to see how you respond. She might just be being friendly or she might have noticed you before and is curious as to what you are like now. It's worth chatting a bit more and suggesting meeting up for a coffee or something, if you like the sound of her. You say you've never asked a girl out before but that doesn't mean you can't. If she says no, well so what? You've tried and that's a grown up thing to do. Rejection isn't nice, I know, but at least a guy can be proud of having the guts to do it.

Actually, I don't think she'd be averse to the idea of meeting. She sounds a bit briefer and less serious than you in the quotes, so you might like to be a bit more light-hearted so she can see the fun side of you, but yes I think there are possibilities here. All you can do is to build a sense of familiarity and warmth and then meet to see if she feels the same way.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How to handle these requests...
Posted: 3/26/2013 4:10:56 PM
He has a problem, not you. His problem is the way he looks at life, at women, and the way he treats women. He probably got abusive because every woman he's talked to has turned him down (and yes, you turned down the dirty talk so you are added to his list of women who reject him). He clearly can't be respectful, kind and gentle, which is what most women are looking for. You won't be the only one he's talked to like this. That doesn't make it right at all: it just shows how his appalling attitude and personality will never get him a woman. In fact, I'm sure guys like this get into the sex talk as quickly as possible because they know their true character will show through and the woman will dump them, so they might as well go for it straight away.

You did what any self-respecting woman would do and dumped him as soon as you realised what he was. Well done!

As for his crass personal comments, attraction is a very individual thing and there will be guys who are naturally attracted to you. He was just trying to punish you because you were rejecting his (crude and idiotic) advances. Don't let one socially inept guy's comments affect you. You deserve tons better than him!
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Just Curious
Posted: 3/5/2013 3:46:29 PM
You probably haven't done anything wrong and she may have blocked you by accident.

One thing though, a guy feeling a connection with a woman doesn't necessarily mean she's feeling the same way. I've chatted to guys and it has seemed that the more I've started to feel they are not the right guy for me, the more they believe we are getting on very well. I'm polite, maybe that's why. I think it's possible to pick out from messages whether someone is enthusiastic or not though, or if you are having to do all the work.

If she said it was too soon for coffee, that's another way of saying she didn't feel comfortable for some reason. Again, probably not your fault, but it's worth paying attention to such comments and realising that the person is resisting meeting. The right woman for you will be enthusiastic and will want to meet. It will feel as if the conversation is flowing well and you are not having to do all the work.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Do girls like big guys?
Posted: 3/5/2013 3:39:37 PM
Not much. I am only short myself so I don't want to feel too overwhelmed by someone much bigger. There is something intimidating about the thought of someone towering over you or squashing you. You may have better luck with taller/bigger women.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Interesting….. What do you think of this
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:40:12 PM
I don't know what the hoover's got to do with anything really. It could be an eccentric name choice. But, there is no harm in exchanging a few messages to see what she sounds like. If she brings up more things that make you think 'weird', then give up on her. It's amazing what you can learn about someone from a brief exchange of messages.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Can it be over come?
Posted: 2/23/2013 3:30:58 PM
I think you're right not to bother with women who want children. Even if they were interested in meeting a man who had such an opposing view to theirs, what would be the point of getting involved with someone when ultimately it would end up in separation? The drive to have children is very strong. I see no point whatsoever in trying to overcome that.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
What is a player
Posted: 2/16/2013 2:46:30 PM
Someone who lies - about who he is, what he does, where he lives, whether he's in a relationship or not, whether he likes you or not. A player lies. He'll say he loves you, when he doesn't. He'll say you're the one and only, whenyou aren't.

There are no guarantees, though often those who don't want a picture on site are hiding from someone. Whether it is a partner or work colleagues, you won't know. Having a picture is no guarantee that they are not players either. Players are clever, good at weaving a false story and appearing genuine. Basically, they are con men.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 228 (view)
 
I want a quick first meet, he wants a leisurely dinner!
Posted: 2/14/2013 7:57:50 PM
I know what you mean. It's generous if they offer to buy a meal and everything, but if you say you'd rather just have a coffee, then they should listen. I find it quite controlling if a guy 'insists' on a meal. Usually it ends there because I won't be forced into it. Any meeting has got to be a two-way thing and if both disagree, then a compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise, it's a concern.

There is another aspect that I don't like too - the idea that he wants to make the meet into a big thing, you know very romantic as if you'r already his girlfriend and it's a special occasion. That's just not appropriate for a first meet and again it seems controlling.

I'd have to know someone much better to feel comfortable going out for a meal with them.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Lousy lovers
Posted: 9/30/2012 11:16:21 AM
Sheer selfishness. Anyone with any care or feelings for you would have at least asked what you'd like. Personally, I wouldn't want to bother 'educating' him and it sounds like any previous women might have felt the same way.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Can't get a word in edge-ways ...
Posted: 9/26/2012 1:13:10 PM
It can happen. His aim is probably to talk to whoever will listen. He's self-centred. He probably moves from woman to woman until they realise there is no relationship (as relating implies a two-way conversation) and then they get rid of him. He talked about people and things you knew nothing about and yet didn't consider you. He is not capable of empathy. He may or may not have sensed you were bored and that you'd lost interest, hence he 'dumped' you before you could dump him. I bet he has a long history of one-off telephone conversations with women.

The guy was hopeless and you had a narrow escape. Do you really want someone so poor at communicating? You sound an intelligent lady. I'm sure you can do much better than this.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Should I say sorry?
Posted: 9/25/2012 1:57:59 PM
I don't see what you've got to apologise for. All you did is tell her you had feelings for her (unless there is something missing from your account). You were genuine and she wasn't interested. Since then things haven't been quite right between you, which suggests she feels uncomfortable about what happened or maybe has misinterpreted it. Regardless, she hasn't treated you well and does not deserve an apology. Nor does she deserve any more of your time or feelings. You deserve a woman that wants to be with you and cares, not someone who spreads mischief behind your back. She's totally the wrong woman for you.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
OK making emotional connections with someone in a relationship?
Posted: 9/16/2012 1:08:59 PM
My feeling is there is nothing wrong with making an emotional connection, if the girl allows it. When I was married, I kept a certain distance and if I had felt a relationship was going in a romantic direction, I would have felt uncomfortable and not encouraged it.

There is a difference between getting to know someone and letting them know about you, and becoming romantic with them. You could get to know her as a friend. If, later on, she does dump the boyfriend, then there is a possibility of a relationship. Encouraging someone to be unfaithful and dump their partner seems a bit disreputable to me. But it seems to happen all the time. I wouldn't want to be party to that. For a start off, how would I know that I wasn't just a 'stepping stone' for someone to get out of their unhappy relationship? I wouldn't. I'd want to know they'd taken that step independently and because the relationship was over, not because I'd persuaded them to.

However, having BF issues and leaving said boyfriend is two different things. Many people grumble about their partners, but continue with them and share their lives. It's an outlet. Prepare to be disappointed if that's all it is to her.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
21 post limit on Ask A Guy/Girl threads
Posted: 9/16/2012 12:54:18 PM
Once again, I constructed a response, posted it and found I was too late and the 21 message limit had been reached. This is frustrating. I've been on PoF for a while now and it has not got any less frustrating. I appreciate the rationale behind it but don't agree with it. If people feel the thread has run its course, they won't contribute any more and it will drop down the listings. Artificially ending it like this is unnecessary. I do think PoF ought to rethink this restriction.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Hey girls, I really need your help.
Posted: 9/16/2012 12:39:14 PM
I think you've got to be yourself. Anything else would come across as fake at some level.

Learn more about keeping up a conversation and bring your sense of humour into conversations. Have fun and tease and joke (not excessively but show your relaxed, fun side). Ask about her. If you don't know what else to say at some point, tell her you enjoy talking with her and spending time with her - at least she knows you are not unhappy with the conversation.

Nice guys don't tend to take risks. A guy who is used to women and being successful with them is much more likely to make that initial contact (in a fun, relaxed way) and ultimately to ask her out. If a woman says no, she doesn't think you and she would be suited. Although it might feel like a rejection, it's part of the process of finding the right person for them. You are going through that process too and you will 'filter out' some girls because they don't seem right. It's what happens and guys who are successful with women realise they will get rejections. yet they just move on.

Another thing nice guys do is they don't pick up on women who are interested in them. They miss the signs, don't take up opportunities. If she suggests going somewhere, picnic or something, or whatever, take her up on it, prompt her, follow through and help her make it happen. If an opportunity drops in your lap, pursue it. Nice guys tend to leave everything to the girl and that just tells her he's not interested anyway.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Aspergers and intense sex drive/interest.
Posted: 9/16/2012 12:03:06 PM
I do get the impression that you have taken a lot of what is said about someone with Asperger's to be definitive. It sounds to me like you are a resourceful and intelligent guy who could achieve a lot. I don't know why you feel some things have been ruled out for you, but it's worth rethinking them and maybe challenging them. Don't let a diagnosis of Asperger's make you feel you have to fit all the possible negative aspects. You are far more capable than you give yourself credit for. What would you do if you didn't have Asperger's? Is there anything other than a diganosis preventing you? Try it and see. In my experience, people with Asperger's can be incredibly successful and are good at working round any difficulties. If in doubt, talk to friends. Good luck.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Physical Attraction from a Girls Perspective?
Posted: 9/15/2012 7:09:51 PM
I might glance at him occasionally, but if he doesn't look back a few times and make some sort of approach, I'll assume he's not interested and forget about him. If I liked him, I'd want him to try to come and chat or something, but ideally I'd prefer a situation where I could find out more about his personality before that, maybe overhear him chatting to others or something. Just looking good isn't enough - he could be terminally dim or insensitive.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Aspergers and intense sex drive/interest.
Posted: 9/15/2012 6:58:40 PM
I do know a fair bit about Asperger's and I know how hyper-focused Aspie's can get. However, as a female, I've had enough messages from young and older guys who are basically looking for sex and do not have the patience to be romantic and are clearly not remotely interested in my personality, to know that you are not unusual in having a strong sex drive or being very focused on sex. But, it does sound as if it's reached a point where it's affecting your life badly. I would think that a therapist who works with people with sex addiction might be most helpful.

Some antidepressants can dull the drive and sexual response so you might want to look at alternatives to help reduce your drive a little.

I understand the difficulty for you is finding someone who actually understands about Asperger's and this obsession, not just one or the other. It won't be easy. Lots of people know about Asperger's because they've read about it or been trained in it. Until you've been an Aspie or lived with someone with Asperger's, you don't really know much.

It's great that you've recognised this obsession is become a problem for you. You sound very wise and responsible. I'm surprised that you do not receive your own disability funding. Here in the UK someone with your clear understanding of issues would have been given responsibility for administering their own funding at the age of 16. It seems things are different in the 'States.

Good luck with getting some support to deal with this.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Relationship Problem
Posted: 9/5/2012 4:15:15 PM
From what I understand, desensitisation therapy works for phobias. I can't imagine that CBT does, unless it is a mild phobia.

I think there are women who would understand your fears but I guess most would eventually get fed up of the limitations. I know someone who is agoraphobic and while one can understand how hard it is for the person, it not only limits their life severely but means everyone else has to revolve around that person's needs. It would be best for you and a future relationship if you get help to tackle the phobia rather than just try to work round it. You already know that working round it isn't helping.

Good luck!
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Confidence Loss
Posted: 9/2/2012 11:20:21 AM
Sorry this has happened to you. A bereavement is a major thing and has an impact on the psyche that you have little control over. It can cause a depression, which is a natural process of coming to terms with what's happened. I'm sure you are recovering at your own pace. Maybe you feel this experience has separated you from people who haven't experienced something similar and seem carefree? Maybe you do need to share it with girls you've got chatting to, so they know what has happened and how you are feeling. Perhaps you feel that you shouldn't share this aspect of you, but because it is important it's a bit like the elephant in the room- avoiding it is harder work than acknowledging it. I think you just need to be honest with women. We can be very understanding and it will help a woman to know you better.

I also wondered if maybe you felt guilty for chatting up women and enjoying yourself after this bereavement? I'm sure whoever you lost would never have wanted you to be affected like this. It's time you did enjoy yourself and realised that holding back is not necessary as a mark of respect. Anyone who cared about you would want you to be happy and joyful.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
how much do you tell a guy
Posted: 8/6/2012 3:50:51 PM
Firstly, did you feel it was a critcism, him saying you weren't very tactile? Perhaps it is a judgement that he has no right to make when he is only just getting to know you. Many people are not very tactile when they have met someone new - it takes time to get accustomed to the person and to trust them. I think you decide how tactile you want to be and when you want it to be.

If you feel his questions are intrusive, tell him you don't feel ready to talk about such things as you hardly know him yet. I wonder if you are very reserved or if he is trying to push your boundaries just a bit too fast. Some guys use 'tactile' when what they mean is they won't wait until you are ready to start groping. Only you can judge whether what he wants is a normal progression in a relationship or if he's pressuring you physically.

If you tell him that it's too soon for you and you need to get to know him better before getting involved in more intimate questions and he doesn't take any notice of you or decides to drop you, then he's not a very nice guy. A decent guy will wait until you are comfortable with him. It might help if you let him know you need to take time to get to know him. A decent guy will understand.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Is there a correct way of mentioning sex in a profile for a relationship?
Posted: 8/6/2012 3:40:08 PM

I think before sharing your fantasies, you need to be in a trusting relationship with a woman... you have to already have a healthy sexual report between the two of you before even TALKING about introducing anyone else.

If a woman becomes angry at you, you've introduced the idea too soon... I doubt it is the way you've presented it.


I don't agree with this. If I had been with a guy for a while and he started to introduce ideas like the OP mentioned, I would feel upset, angry and misled. I think it's really important he is up front about it if he wants to find someone who will be happy to go along with it.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Is there a correct way of mentioning sex in a profile for a relationship?
Posted: 8/5/2012 3:08:10 PM
You could mention them on your profile in a way that would appeal to someone who has similar ideas. If you avoid saying something and find that puts people off after, it's a whole waste of your energy. Or, you could join groups or something where people tend to be like minded.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Sexual life and IBS
Posted: 8/4/2012 5:54:58 PM
I think if you have IBS, you feel delicate anyway. I've had it quite severely in the past, mostly pain. It became less of a problem when I started to eat a less healthy diet. Just about everything that doctors recommended in the past made me worse, including eating more fibre. I ate bran to help and it caused agony. Strangely enough, I've read recently about a diet that has apparently been helping people called the FODMAP diet: http://www.ibsgroup.org/brochures/fodmap-intolerances.pdf This fits pretty well with what I've found helps after long experience, but individuals can be sensitive to individual foods so I guess no specific diet will have all the answers.

A caring guy should make allowances and understand that sometimes you might get pain or other problems. Doing some more research on diet and keeping track of what makes you worse will help in the long term. I feel for you because I know how painful this condition can be and how misunderstood it it. I wish you well with finding a solution.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Near our breaking point.
Posted: 7/27/2012 5:25:58 PM
Who is controlling this situation? Shouldn't it be mutual? Where one person feels the other is always in control, there will be resentment. Can this work? It can for a while but the underlying resentment won't go away. I don't think there is a way forward. He says he is not ready which puts her in the position of having to pressure him or give up on her own needs. Why should she give up on her needs so that he is happy? Her needs are natural - to build a home and a family - why should she give that up?

My own feeling is he is a withholding guy and, whatever he says, he knows the he is maintaining control. She feels guilty if she asks for what she needs and knows that ultimately, even if he 'gives' it, he won't want to. Not moving forward suits him but it does not suit her. She has to decide whether to (a) continue to deny her needs; (b) to try to build what she wants with someone who will resist this; or (c) to give up on the situation and seek a partner who wants the same things. I think Lenny Kravitz expressed something very profound when he sang 'Are you going my way?' He doesn't seem to be going her way.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Letting your ex know how you feel?
Posted: 7/23/2012 5:06:33 PM
I see no reason why you shouldn't tell him, for the reasons you outlined. I don't know whether he hurt you inadvertently or makes a habit of this kind of thing but at least he would know that it had a bad effect on you. Sometimes people don't realise what they are doing and this might pull him up and make him think a bit.

I think your friends are probably thinking that telling him would do no good in that it wouldn't bring him back. If you thought it would, then that would not be a good reason to contact him. If, however, you just want to unburden yourself of the way his actions affected you, then you might as well. At least you would then feel some sort of closure. Don't assume it will lead to him wanting you back though. That is in the past now.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Advice on Health/Career Disclosure needed...
Posted: 7/23/2012 4:58:32 PM
I'll be honest and say that a partner having employment is important, in the sense that it shows they are responsible and have good intentions. However, with current economic circumstances, many people are unemployed through no fault of their own and many people also lead unconventional lifestyles that do not preclude them from being responsible, caring people. I think the important thing is to show on your profile that you are a motivated guy who is responsible and is keen to get back to doing something. Motivation is something that does come through on a profile.

As regards health, ideally we all want to be healthy but not everyone is that fortunate. I have a relative with Crohn's so I know quite a bit about it and I know you must have had a very tough time. You could mention it in your profile, in passing, but be very positive about what you enjoy doing and what you want to do in the future. Above all, be enthusiastic about the kind of lovely woman you'd like to meet. That way, your profile will come across how it should do and reflect that you are a great guy who has faced, and may face, challenges but is responsible and determined.

Some will say don't mention it until later when you get to know a girl and that viewpoint is valid too. I guess you have to weigh up which you feel most comfortable with and go with that. I hope that helps.

Good luck!
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Why do girls flirt with me so much
Posted: 7/16/2012 2:35:05 PM
What kind of dates are you suggesting? If you are suggesting going for a walk or some sort of activity that might not appeal to a particular girl, she is likely to just not get round to it. Perhaps you should sound them out about what they like doing first and then suggest going out to a gig, gallery, picnic or whatever they enjoy. You might have more success then. I have turned down dates in the past because I just didn't want to go to a particular film or play pool or whatever they suggested. It's best to leave options open then you might get better results.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Was i stupid?
Posted: 7/16/2012 2:27:31 PM
It is a missed opportunity but, you never know, you may be able to remember enough to track her down and see if she'd like to keep in touch. You could advertise on Gumtree locally and see if anyone recognises the description. Actually, you may do better advertising on some equivalent in Malmo (do they have Gumtree?) as Nicola is an English name and there may be fewer Nicolas in Sweden.

In future, there is no harm in saying it would be nice to keep in touch and swapping email addresses, if you feel it's a bit too much to ask for a phone number. Then at least you have a means of getting in touch again. Whether it would lead anywhere is an unknown but no harm in trying.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
this may be difficult to answer
Posted: 7/10/2012 2:23:25 PM
People chat to people online and meet them and then sometimes meet other people at the same time. It does happen and is no reflection on you but a set of circumstances and someone else happened to be closer at the right time.

It's not a good idea to get too attached to someone until you've dated a few times. Things can be very unpredictable and choppy at first as people work out how they feel about each other and anyone else who happens to be close. It's best to try to meet again soonish and if they don't want to, to let it go. Someone who is really keen will make time to meet. Dating can be daunting, especially for guys who are often the ones who have to take the initiative. The guys who succeed are the ones who judge when they are getting a good response and don't give up on women because they get hurt. I guess it's part of how you learn what are good signs and what are not, though I know it's painful at the time.

You made an effort with this girl and have shown you can chat and take the initiative. You'll find a girl who responds to that; it's only a matter of time.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Why do woman put average when there not ?
Posted: 7/10/2012 2:02:38 PM
Maybe they are average for their peer group. People tend to look around them and see what their friends are like.

But, regardless, people do bend the truth and tend to seem themselves as they were rather than how they are. I find it much more annoying that people lie about their age - something incontrovertible. Quite a few guys do this and they always have the same excuse - sorry, got it wrong on my profile and now I can't change it!
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Texting someone on vacation
Posted: 7/10/2012 1:57:18 PM
One text would be nice and show you haven't forgotten her. More than that would start to be a bit intrusive. I think if it was me, I'd figure you weren't that interested if you could forget about me for a week (selfish, I know). :)
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Managing Pain
Posted: 7/9/2012 4:49:52 PM
I just wonder why the course of treatment would add to the pain each time? Is the treatment going to be of benefit ultimately? I would be wary of such treatment without being very clear about the known benefits. You need to be sure you are not going to make the problem worse.

If it is going to increase the pain, then shouldn't you be talking to your medical practitioner about what pain relief or anaesthesia they can offer? Different types of pain need different types of treatments.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
The Cat, Me, or Her??
Posted: 7/4/2012 3:18:26 PM
It tells you a lot about the girl's values. You're caring and loyal and think about your pet - she's not. Will she be like that with people too? Worth thinking about.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Is he interested or just playing?
Posted: 6/30/2012 7:07:11 PM
It seems you've shown him you are interested in him so I can't think why he should not follow through and make arrangements to see you if it's possible.

The pictures with the other woman in suggest he's seeing someone else. Maybe you could ask him about her? Why not, if he shared the pictures with you?

I tend towards being sceptical of guys who don't follow up. Shutting off a conversation in the middle is a big red flag, suggesting someone else was about to walk into the room and catch him chatting.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
looking back
Posted: 6/30/2012 6:50:44 PM
I can understand why these things bothered you and maybe made you feel insecure. When in a new relationship, it's natural to wonder what other relationships there are and whether they interfere with yours.

I wonder why you are concerned about this now, as she is your ex. It does sound like you felt you were never really the priority.

However, I can also see things from her point of view too. Some people do get on well with their ex, especially if they were married for many years and have children. They can be special friends because they knew you so well. We also feel a bond with our children and although we might think they've done something wrong, that bond is likely to make us more protective of them than a dispassionate observer might be.

It wasn't ideal that the ex was using her son's car but I guess they worked it out between them. It just sounds like there was too much working things out between them going on for you to feel that she saw you as a priority. Such arrangements might happen but I don't feel there is any right or wrong about it. As long as she loved you and put you first in important places, like loving you and being faithful to you, these things might be an irritation but they aren't really a threat. Was is the fact that you objected and she didn't agree that caused the split? It sounds as if she didn't make you feel special enough (or you felt insecure from the start) and you interpreted these things as a serious threat.

Maybe you are better off out of it if there was too much going on between her and her ex. It does sound like you felt you needed more control in that relationship than you had.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Women musicians? Play guitar?
Posted: 6/29/2012 4:48:00 PM
I don't know why there aren't more female musicians near you. I know a few but then I move in musical circles where I live. Women of my generation were not encouraged to be on stage playing anything other than a classical instrument in an orchestra. Playing in a rock band or similar was unusual and it was pretty obviously a male environment. Women like Suzy Quattro and Chrissie Hynde were symbols of a change. Guys do seem to be more able to push themselves to the forefront in music and can tend to dominate music sessions. I'm glad that women musicians have more opportunities now and are accepted on stage with the guys. There are probably women musicians near you that simply don't feel encouraged or welcomed and so spend their time in the audience. Perhaps you should talk to women at music events and find out whether they play.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
MIxed Signals
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:11:03 PM
Perhaps she just wants a casual relationship and you don't. If she thinks you've understood that and then you start pressing her for a proper relationship, she'll back off. I would have thought that by now she would have realised that's what you want and decided not to continue at all.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
A question about being a smoker.
Posted: 6/26/2012 2:00:05 PM
I wouldn't want to date a smoker; I couldn't as smoke makes me asthmatic. I don't like the smell either. I wouldn't date a 'light' smoker, let alone a 'medium-to-heavy' one. I did meet a light smoker once and he lit up every 3/4 hour so I felt he misled me. He didn't want to go into cafés to sit down as he couldn't smoke. I hate sitting outside in the cold and smokers always prefer to brave the cold than go without so we would barely be together. I met the guy once and that was it.

There isn't really anything that a smoker could say to market themselves any better. I wouldn't trust someone to give up if we met and liked each other, for instance, so I'd have to be sure they had given up for good beforehand. I wouldn't want to feel responsible for a smoker giving up - it's something they need to do for themselves. I have nothing against smokers, but I don't want to get into a complicated situation where I might end up getting blame or bad temper because they were trying to give up. It's just not a pleasant prospect. It's just simpler to avoid even meeting.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Definition of nerdy guys...
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:52:01 PM
I think all girls have a problem of clarity of thought, every 2 sentences in a line they speak/write are contradictory. They just superficially speak things, and when they face the "real" thing, they just go berserk.


Actually, that could be interpreted as insulting and I don't think that insulting women is a good way to encourage them.

I'd recommend finding common ground with women rather than trying to impress them. Most women are not stupid and know when a guy is trying to impress them rather than interested in them. If you are interested in her, you will ask about her, not talk about your own interests to the point where she loses interest. As someone who is interested in physics, I do listen and learn but I do have geeky friends and I can see that it's possible to take it too far so that 90% of the conversation is geeky and there is very little left over to get to know the women and what she is interested in.

In my experience (and it's not that limited), geeks tend to fall down on the 'getting to know another person' side. I have known them to ask about me (for example) and then not actually listen to the answer or cut me off with a distraction onto another topic. I presume some geeky guys get as far as learning that they should ask the woman about herself and her interests too, but don't learn the bit about actually listening or find themselves incapable of it!

It could be that the young lady you spoke to didn't understand what being a geek meant, but it could also be that you made little or no effort to understand her either or to find common ground. If the latter is the case, then either you need to learn more about relating to others (maybe find social skills courses or read self-help books) or to only choose very geeky girls who have the same interests as you.

Look at this as a learning experience and try to make sure in future that both you and the woman are getting an equal chance to talk about your interests and selves and that you are listening to the responses.
 
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