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 Author Thread: Dad with 24 yr old daughter, very close.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 79 (view)
Dad with 24 yr old daughter, very close.
Posted: 6/13/2015 5:20:34 PM
An important question remains:

Since Shirleywonton01 thinks that she is, "screwed" to discover through her jealousy and possessiveness that she has, "a few little feelings towards him", is the father prepared to adopt another "adult child"?
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
Posted: 6/13/2015 12:54:53 PM

... she was using our relationship as a tool to get her way. Saying to me, if I were to join the Masons it was over.
... one thing that has been bugging me is the guilt

Some may use/impose guilt as a weapon to get what they want.
This is a form of violent behaviour (guilt attack, guilt trip) that sabotages trust and intimacy. It is designed to cause pain; to get the other to change behaviour and bend to the will of the purveyor. Love becomes conditional.

This is a manipulative tactic and not a loving, caring, nurturing act.
The purveyor of guilt sets up an environment of manipulation and control by creating a necessity for the partner to prove love by fulfilling tasks, demands that must meet with satisfaction in order to be worthy of love or attention,
"Saying to me, if I were to join the Masons it was over".

If the tasks/demands are not met with satisfaction, the purveyor of guilt will stop loving his/her partner.
This gives the purveyor a sense of power while keeping the partner in a state of perpetual insecurity.

It is the purveyor of guilt who feels threatened, unloved and unworthy due to unresolved feelings/maladaptive beliefs formed from negative and hurtful past events.

Remember that a truly loving, caring relationship will cultivate an environment which will allow both parties to be who they are and not who the other thinks they should be.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 217 (view)
Are 21st century, western women intimidating?
Posted: 5/31/2015 7:38:40 AM
Though, I have quoted Dragonbytes, my intention is not solely directed at him but relative to the thread.

If a women doesn't need me, if she makes more money than I do and has more assets, then how do I "impress her"? Can I afford to live her lifestyle? Will she get tired of the sex and move on? Will she accept paying on a 70/30 basis, and if she is willing, will she expect to "control" the relationship?
So a lot of successful women aren't very tolerant / accepting of less successful men

As long as the ultimate end goal is not to impress but rather and through a genuine, caring interest in demonstrating an act of kindness and concern, regardless of reaction, you are successful.

If the reaction is dismissive, condescending, arrogant or patronizing, it is not due to amassed material possessions or a particular lifestyle, but a psychological need to control others, fear of being controlled or an abhorrence of losing control.

...will she expect to "control" the relationship?

This is not reflective of her desire to control but your own fear or abhorrence of losing control.
As you have stated, "it cuts both ways".

Clinging to control is a futile effort to maintain a sense of security (insecure).
The truth is that the need for control is illusory and consuming and the sphere of influence is really very small.

An indicator of psychological health is an ability to be open and accepting of change, to be flexible and resilient in thoughts, feelings, behaviours and responses.
The need for control reduces capacity to engage and enjoy life and love by being inflexible and resistant to change.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
Is there hope or am I in a rut?
Posted: 5/30/2015 8:03:22 AM

While I do not condone the denigration of other posters or their posting styles, I agree with CynthiaSM and Motowncowgirl with regard to "hitting on" girls and expanding your, "network of friends, acquaintances, interests, and opportunities".

Friendships can be dynamic and need to be replenished. It is important to be continually open and accepting of new friendships.
One of the best methods of achieving this is to pursue your own interests and pastimes, passions; increasing your chances of discovering kindred spirits who share similar interests, values.
Online dating is not just for dating. Utilize online dating websites to assist in seeking friendships as well.
Moderate your expectations. Don't expect to make friends immediately. Follow up with them and take a genuine interest in their lives.
Pursue friendships because you genuinely care and not simply because you wish to fulfill your own needs.
Remember that close and meaningful friendships take much time and nurturing to flourish.


Women are people too and should be treated with respect, care, good manners, consideration and support for their thoughts and feelings. Do not "hit on" them lest you embark on a life of misery and loneliness.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
preferences? Me? Preferences, what preferences?
Posted: 5/28/2015 5:34:04 PM

Since most of our life decisions are formed by our unconscious minds, our conscious minds aren't as much of a primary source of our decisions as they are effective at rationalizing them.
In other words, we don't always really know what we want or even why we want it.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 60 (view)
Are 21st century, western women intimidating?
Posted: 5/28/2015 4:01:32 PM

Is a woman who is educated, uses contraception wisely, has confidence, a good career, owns property, a nice car and yacht intimidating??????

I am not intimidated by material possessions, nor am I intimidated by evolving gender roles.
However, I find your excessive use of question marks somewhat intimidating. :P

Be able to slay the woolly mammoth?

In the context of your post, the only wooly mammoth that needs slaying is learning to identify and overcome individual barriers to change.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 69 (view)
Another cheap tipper
Posted: 5/28/2015 8:15:59 AM

You acknowledge that your date was the "host", "he took the check firmly...".
The generally accepted convention of restaurant etiquette is that the host is responsible for the bill and gratuities.
Your date had also demonstrated proper tipping etiquette as the generally accepted convention of tipping etiquette is fifteen (15) to twenty (20) percent on the pre-tax amount of the bill.

Be careful with substituting value with power and the need to be right, "Another cheap tipper... ...I think I'm right" for this is but an illusion of certainty that is rooted in a manipulative mind state, "these guys apparently didn't like me enough to try and please me... ...Maybe I should always overtip to see the guys reaction".

The more you cling to the emotional state of the illusion of certainty, the more wrong you are likely to be, intellectually.

But really, wait service jobs are mostly women. I tell them I'm a former waitress. Does anyone else see the connection here?

Was guilt on the menu? The perception of injustice can induce feelings of guilt.
You felt a sense of guilt and associated need to take action to pacify your guilt and bolster belief. This was a date with your partner, not a meeting with the entire group of female wait staff and the resultant desire to correct a perceived injustice.

By imposing your guilt, you set the stage and created a toxic environment conducive to a power struggle.
If this was your intention, congratulations, you succeeded.
If it was not your intention, then it would be far more healthy to devise a more constructive method of expiating guilt.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
forming relationships
Posted: 5/26/2015 7:54:38 PM
Coffeetogo127 ;

"..there is something holding me back from being in a relationship"
"I take long breaks from dating when I get fed up"
"I just find most men don't interest me"
"I just am not attracted to their personality"
"Also, of course many aren't attracted to me ... ... it's my personality"
"I do not, however , like being alone"
"..something about me that keeps others from forming attachments to me"
"I have a fairly casual approach to sex"

Based on what I've read, you seem to possess some negative core beliefs that are causing, intensifying fear and a sense of inadequacy.

As emotional and intelligent beings, we form various belief systems and expectations based on conclusions that we draw from our experiences. How we perceive ourselves according to those beliefs will increase or diminish self-esteem (extrinsic value - how we look, feel and act; how we are perceived). If acting out our beliefs do not produce sought after results, we can begin to self-doubt. If we allow this to persist, we can affect our self-worth (intrinsic value - feelings of importance, identity, belonging; sense of meaning or purpose).

If these core beliefs are too rigid or inflexible, fear based, mistrustful or generally negative in nature, they can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships.
Rigid, negative core belief systems can compel us to fulfill those beliefs, behaving in ways that will maintain them, such as seeking out those with similar belief systems, patterns. This type of mind state creates a negative reinforcement loop that feeds on itself.
We interpret experiences as if they seem true, even though they are not. We self-impose restrictions in order to avoid emotional pain.
We can overcompensate oppositionally with the same degree of rigidity, negatively affecting our relationships.

Certainly, some introspection would be beneficial.

Congratulations on your weight loss, "I am now 50 pounds lighter than I was then"!
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
Being a divorced early-30's man in the world.
Posted: 5/25/2015 11:13:18 AM

My contribution will begin with a question: "How are you managing grief"?

This will determine a sense of readiness to accept another into your life while capable of offering love, kindness, support, intelligence, confidence and affection.
This varies greatly from person to person. Some people have managed grieving successfully during separation and moving out, while others are struggling long after their divorce has been finalized.

Regardless, it is vital that you endure the grieving of the death of your marriage.
To be successful with healthy dating and relationships, you need to be whole, psychologically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

Resist the urge to move too fast or engage in sexual relations too quickly during this vulnerable time.

Listen attentively to your feelings rather than be a slave to the calendar. Give yourself all the time you need. The grieving process cannot be hastened.

If you are occupied with distracting thoughts, feelings of your ex and her social, dating activities, then you are not ready to begin a healthy relationship with a new partner.
Would you date someone who is still emotionally attached to an ex? Then why would you wish to impose that on someone else?

If you are able to engage in activities that remove you from your comfort zone, then you may be ready for dating again. Participating in affirming activities such as new friendships, taking on a new sport or hobby while being resilient enough to endure negative feelings is very positive.

It is important to learn to reclaim, restore, renew your identity by accepting yourself as an individual, apart from dating/relationship status. Allow yourself some alone time to explore on your own terms rather than jump into a relationship for fear of being alone, lonely.

When you are truly ready to date again, refrain from introducing a new partner to your children too quickly. Rather, wait until there is a firm prospect of a long term relationship with your new partner.

After all, others may not be interested simply because your divorce has not been finalized. Their perception is that you are not ready, regardless of the success of your own grief management.

As to why you seem to think that you are, "the creepy old guy", that may require additional introspection and analysis.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
Anniversary Reaction - ever been a factor in a new relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2015 11:50:55 AM
It's important to recognize that grieving is not about trying to forget or eradicate the painful feelings associated with a loss. Healthy grieving is about remembering the significance of representation of meaning that is unique to all of us.
Grieving is not about forgetting or seeking closure but rather an opportunity to grow and evolve by learning to manage the inescapable difficulties of disruption and loss.

We will never forget our first love or a passing relative and some will experience an anniversary effect or other forms of special occasion reaction phenomenon.

Various forms of external stimuli can revive memories and trigger a grief reaction in all of us. Often, without conscious awareness. We never actually "get over" the loss but, we learn to live with it by remembering the shared positive moments, how the experience with a lost loved one has enriched our lives. We can employ various methods of distraction or soothing techniques or, even create new memories.

As time passes, the intensity of feelings may diminish but we cannot reverse or erase emotional memory and we will live with it throughout our lives. This does not mean that future relationships should have a negative outcome.
In actuality, by learning to manage grief, we can flourish and enjoy new relationships with a renewed sense of inner peace and vitality.

If others find this to be "annoying", then perhaps they are trying to hard to forget and fear the circumstances surrounding the loss that may affect their own lives. They may fear dying of the same ailment that created the loss. They may fear the loss of their own sanity or they may fear drowning in a flood of emotion, rage, tears.
It's not the grief reaction that causes relationship stress but an inability to manage grief that places an unnecessary burden on everyone involved.

Love, care and support from a partner can go a long way in mitigating feelings of loneliness and isolation that often accompany the memory. The mere presence of a cherished partner can have a positive effect.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
users who start off profiles not looking for ons?
Posted: 5/22/2015 4:25:48 PM

Profiles stating, "not looking for a ons or no sex" are simply the result of the author making a public declaration of a personal preference.
However, you are making an unfounded personal assumption that, "the guy she finds hot its advertisement to have some fun". Your assumption has no correlation to reverse psychology.

What is thus female reverse psychology?

Reverse psychology is not gender specific and is generally an effective strategy against those who do not like to be told what to do (resistant, rebellious). The person being influenced will often do the opposite of what he/she is being pressured just to re-establish his/her sense of freedom, independence (autonomy). Reverse psychology is most influential when used to re-establish a sense of personal autonomy (a powerful motivator).

Reverse psychology can be an effective tool in a parent's or guardian's compliance arsenal.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
Intent Question
Posted: 5/19/2015 6:13:14 PM

What is the difference in "I am putting in serious effort to find someone." and "I want a Relationship"?
Does "I want a Relationship" mean that they want FWB or a "REAL" Relationship??

Despite your best effort to determine meaning, others will interpret differently through their own subjective perspective.
Rather than rely wholly on the drop down list of choices, articulate a detailed description of your intention in the body of your profile so that it may be recognized as accurately as possible.

Regardless, the realization of intention through the process of effective interpersonal communication will affect interaction, "men who say they want a relationship when they just want to get laid".
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
Just read in a profile,
Posted: 5/17/2015 9:02:21 AM

Further to the postings of IgorFrankensteen, LiliMarleen, et al, why do you assume that the words, actions of others revolve around you?

As humans, we are capable of constructing our own reality based on our subjective perceptions. However, It is important to our psychological health and welfare to be able to transform our subjective perceptions into a more objective reality.

We need to be careful that we manage our perceptions and not conclude that our own beliefs and values apply to the external world, equally. That our desires are not necessarily the desires of others, "what the f^ck am I? Chopped liver?". This is egocentric thinking.

Before being concerned with whether others are being genuine and sincere, you are not being genuine yourself.
You possess a fear of being alone and/or loneliness. Yet, you are attempting to disguise your fear with anger and a resulting desire to hurt others by insulting or, "piss in y'alls fruitloops". Although this may appear to give you a sense of control, it is illusory and is actually indicative of a struggle for control and psychologically damaging if you allow it to persist.

Try to manage or resolve your fear, anger and consequential insecurity that is preventing you from accepting the unavoidable imperfections of existence rather than construct an assumption of reality based on your own anxieties.

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 89 (view)
How can I start to trust women again?
Posted: 5/16/2015 9:50:30 AM
I hope that the fellow posters will not mind that I copy/pasted one of my posts from another thread as I think that it applies equally in this thread. Hope you find it at least somewhat helpful.

Copied from thread
message #23

It is important to recognize what trust is and what it is not.
Trust is not hoping or wishing that your partner won't betray you through infidelity or maintaining a dating site profile.
Trust is integral to intuition. Trust is learning to reconnect and rely on your inner voice, gut instinct.

You don't learn to trust your partner. You learn to trust your intuition.
People are human and, as humans, people can and will let you down, disappoint. You never really know if they are truthful or not unless you possess an intuitive sense; an unconscious inner perception composed of irrational and rational, sensory thinking and feeling.

The intuitive process begins with an intense sensory perception, evoking imagery, ideas and methods of problem solving and decision making. Your own intuitive sense is your personal inner truth as perceived by you. It is encompassing and based on an unconscious accumulation of life experience.

If you wish to feel safe in a relationship, you must rely on your intuition, trust your inner voice. Your intuition will always be faithful and will never lie to you. Learn to listen to your inner voice.

The problem is that fear can block or interfere with intuition and prevent you from trusting.
Fear can be compelling to act inappropriately such as "spying" or "stalking".
The trick is knowing, learning the difference between fear and intuition.
Intuition is always real and authentic. Fear feels real but, it can and is often illusion based (fantasy, phobia).

By reconnecting with your intuitive sense, by having confidence in your inner voice, by trusting, relying on your "gut instinct", you will be able to overcome the past betrayal and present fear, anxiety. You will be able to trust again. This is a slow process and cannot be rushed or hastened.

Allow yourself enough time and surround yourself with emotionally positive experiences, not emotionally avoidant experiences such as drunkenness or sexual impulsivity or unreasonable demands as an effort to pacify, eradicate fear.

Remember, "Trust is an inside job".
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
Taking thing reall slow need help
Posted: 5/16/2015 8:48:04 AM

Do you place so little value on yourself that you are willing to be an object of mere distraction to a woman who is emotionally unavailable?

The communicated fact that you, "...just help take her mind off it..." indicates that she is experiencing emotional distress. Her persistent emotionally avoidant behaviour is delaying her recovery and hindering her ability to make meaningful and positive changes. Your presence and participation is enabling, reinforcing negative feelings, emotional stress for both her and you.

It is important that she (and you) reappraise the situation and begin to resolve the loneliness, distress, and even a possible loss of a sense of self.
It is important that she begins to grieve by acknowledging her emotional pain.
Failure to do so will only repress her pain, affecting future relationships.

Breaking up with someone doesn't mean that we have to break up with ourselves.
Encourage her to pamper herself by perhaps buying flowers, hot baths with aromatic candles, massages, etc.

She needs support from emotionally positive people, friends, loved ones.
Encourage her to engage in healthy physical activities (exercise) and a healthy diet.
You could encourage her to focus on the positive aspects of her former relationship while minimizing the negative feelings by suggesting that she begin writing down all the positive factors leading to the breakup as well as the breakup itself and immediately after. This is particularly effective if the breakup was mutual or was initiated by herself.

“Get on good terms with yourself and see how quickly others get on good terms with you.”
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
Women and Fake Beauty
Posted: 5/15/2015 8:07:56 PM

I don't interpret beauty enhancements as fake.
Nothing is fake about social prominence of the beauty ideal and the associated political, psychological costs, often resulting in oppression, distress and disempowerment.
However, as long as the enhancements are for fun and expressive creativity rather than a result of a need for self-control and self-worth, especially to the point of encompassing one's identity, then the cost is relatively minimal.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
Catfish-y Photos?
Posted: 5/15/2015 8:13:17 AM

Demand that he send a pic clutching the current day's newspaper with current date clearly visible.
If he refuses or stalls with excuses, consider your option to sever contact.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 117 (view)
Angry Daters
Posted: 5/14/2015 8:35:13 PM
After a period of time and accumulated dating experiences that were unsuccessful, some become cynical and angry which (in combination with limited information processing abilities) can lead to cultivating a form of cognitive bias that can result in perceptual distortion such as, "all men just want sex" or "all women are gold diggers", etc.
This is a maladaptive effort to disguise a truth that someone may realize that the problem is not with the opposite sex but is with them.
Underlying the anger is often, feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, fears of rejection, abandonment.

"Broken bottles and low hanging fruit", elicit a fond memory of the following song,

Some people call me a bad apple
Well I may be bruised but I still taste sweet
Some people call me a bad apple
But I may be the sweetest apple on the tree
~ David Wilcox
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
He seems to only want to text
Posted: 5/13/2015 3:05:32 PM

Was just wondering what that was all about?

What that was all about was you making a firm decision by recognizing your limitation, tolerance, "I was confused and disappointed and in the end I told him to forget it and go away", "3.5 months felt long enough".
You are handling yourself very well considering, "nothing like this has ever happened to me before".

Is it really necessary or even helpful to speculate about the reason(s) for his behaviour after the fact?
You are motivated by guilt and persistence in speculating will only serve to undermine your confidence by creating self-doubt.
Instead, trust your intuitive sense that caused you to make the (right decision for you) in the first place.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
everything was going well and he suddenly became distant
Posted: 5/13/2015 7:47:15 AM

he realized he's not ready to date, he's not in the right headspace and is hesitant to bring others into it

Regardless of his reason and what you may believe or perceive, he was very clear, "he's not ready to date".
If you are questioning (mistrust) his declaration, then you may not be ready either.
Learning to trust is important to a new, healthier and fulfilling relationship.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
How do I get over my doubts
Posted: 5/12/2015 6:25:44 PM

All of us experience self-doubt at times. This is normal and can even be positive (e.g. tempering over-confidence).
However, when it becomes chronic and restrictive, it becomes a problem.
While self-doubt is unrelated to self-esteem, chronic or persistent self-doubt can affect intrinsic value (self worth).
When we cling to self-doubt, we do so as a form of self protective behaviour.

One possibility is that you "run them away" because it is easier, more comfortable to cling to the familiar and protectionist self-doubt rather than risk the negative feelings associated with rejection and possible abandonment later on. This gives you a sense of control. However, it is illusory and actually restricts, sabotages.
Chronic self-doubt can become an integral part of your identity if not resolved.

Perhaps you are insecure (possibly surrounding your physical appearance, body image) and self-handicap by choosing to not post a full body pic in your profile. This allows you to distance yourself from the pain of rejection. At least, initially.

Rejection is not a reflection of who you are, or even the way you present yourself.
Being rejected does not mean that you have failed or lack confidence.
Being rejected is actually the opposite of failure because you possess the courage to succeed in placing yourself at risk in the first place. In order to love, we must courageously risk rejection.
Embrace the courage and expose yourself to rejection.

What do you desire to achieve for yourself?
Utilize self-doubt for positive motivation.
Setting realistically achievable goals can assist with diminishing self-doubt and restoring intrinsic value.
Challenge yourself and post the full body pic in your profile and be mindful of your feelings. Acknowledge and embrace the associated feelings of discomfort.
This will break the cycle by extending yourself beyond the comfort and familiarity of self-doubt.
Do the same in other areas of your life where self-doubt reigns.
This will take time to achieve, so give yourself all the time you need. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and you will increase your capacity for love.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 7:34:02 AM

Feeling connected is vital to our experience of being human. Is it any wonder then, that we may feel frustrated and hurt with social disruption such as being ignored? Especially, if we are highly sensitive.

"So, am I doing something wrong?"
Inability to determine a balance of responsibility can descend into a form of self-blame, self-reproach.
Try not to allow these situations to cause you to be responsible for the actions, behaviours of others.
Self-blaming creates, intensifies perceived inadequacies, causes self-devaluation and we assume fault or responsibility that is not our own (over responsible).

"Am I expecting too much?"
Try not to allow these situations to cause you to lose confidence by creating self doubt.

"Or are most men on here just jerks?"
Try not to judge others so harshly for the sudden social disruption as the actual reason may be unavoidable, shy, anxious, hidden disability or just handling a situation differently than yourself. Most will do the best they can given their perceived resources at the time.

Instead, take command by learning to accept that these situations will happen from time to time and people are imperfect. Recognize these situations as an opportunity for a learning experience through introspection and self-discovery.

If we fail to acknowledge human imperfection or cling to a persistent need to be right (self-justification trap), "or are most men on here just jerks?", the opportunities will escape us while expending vast amounts of energy trying to reinforce walls that are crumbling all around us.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
I am struggling and confused, I need you guys help , plz !
Posted: 5/6/2015 4:44:04 PM

… but my gut still feel uneasy, is it because I am too insecure

“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”
~ Erich Fromm

The choice to seek counseling is positive.
You are emotionally invested and you fear losing him (jealous).
Your fear is overriding your intuition (gut) causing you to mistrust.
Confusing fear with intuition will cause you to make decisions that are restrictive.

Just because you feel insecure doesn't mean the insecurity is real. He has done everything you've asked of him,
"...he made effort to explained and answered my questions all the time, but I still can’t get over it".
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 73 (view)
Frustrated by Experience on POF and ready to throw in the Towel
Posted: 5/3/2015 11:32:14 AM
Why such low ratings (2, 5, 6, 7, 8)?

I will rate everyone a solid 10 because all of you are unique and beautiful in your own right.
All of you have something worthy and unique to contribute that is reflective of your own personal experiences from which we may all benefit.
All of you have accomplished something to make yourselves and/or others proud.
All of you have overcome many difficult hurdles.
All of you possess the intelligence and power to enact change.
All of you have something that you excel at.
All of you possess a precise combination of gifts, talents and skills that place you in the top .01% (or less) of the entire population!
This means that not anyone else can fulfill life's journey for which you are uniquely qualified!

Remember, that regardless of which number you place yourself, someone else will always think that you are a solid 10!
Don't be concerned with winning or losing. Make the race your own.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
Can Love be found in the Stars
Posted: 5/2/2015 2:40:08 PM

We all want a successful marriage or relationship...

In order to cultivate successful relationships with others, we must first cultivate successful relationships with ourselves.

Become emotionally available to ourselves so that we may be emotionally available to others.
Take a personality inventory, character assessment.
Recognize and embrace our strengths and weaknesses, evaluating intrinsic value (self-worth).
Self-monitor by participating in activities that fulfill our own emotional reserves rather than rely on affirmation from others.
Healthy, successful relationships consist of what we have to offer as opposed to what we can get.

Remember, we are not entitled to romantic relationships. But, if we take the necessary steps to increase our capacity for unconditional love (i.e. removing barriers to love such as anger and control), we may be emotionally healthy enough to participate in a lasting, healthy and fulfilling bond.

Or, we can remain in egocentric denial (an enormous barrier to unconditional love) and continue to be lonely, resentful and bitter.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
Frustrated by Experience on POF and ready to throw in the Towel
Posted: 5/2/2015 9:32:39 AM

While it is true that online dating affords an opportunity to discover many potential romantic prospects, it is equally true that we must learn to accept and embrace rejection.
Rejection is a normal and healthy part of being human.

Rather than become angry (which can lead to deeper feelings of resentment, bitterness; maladaptive thoughts, behaviours) in an effort to mask, control or eradicate feelings associated with being vulnerable (i.e. fear), guilt or shame, it would be constructive to acknowledge and embrace, accept that you actually possess the courage to be vulnerable and expose yourself to rejection in the first place.

Rejection per se, does not mean that you have failed or lack confidence.
However, clinging to anger, resentment as a futile struggle for control will indeed, erode your self confidence, self worth, self esteem; creating an illusion of control.

When we choose to love we expose ourselves to being vulnerable.
Resign yourself ("throw in the Towel") to the fact that you will experience rejection and you will be rewarded with an increased capacity to give and accept love and kindness.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 363 (view)
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/26/2015 9:01:52 AM

But not a single one of you can answer the question. If I stumble onto a profile I've been on before and messaged.... Did she not respond because she wasn't interested or did she never even see that she got the message. Do I message again, or is every single silence that will ever happen a "no?"

I'm calling all of you out on your flawed logic, but instead of actually addressing the flaw, you'll attack me instead. WHy? Because you clearly have NOTHING

Until you actually receive a response, the answer must be "no", as in no response. Any other conclusion is mere conjecture and irrelevant due to many variables that are beyond your control or command.
However, you do possess an imagination.

The "flawed logic" is attempting to discover a reason for the lack of response where one does not exist but only speculation and heightened anxiety.

If/when she does respond, how will you reconcile that you have been climbing the walls in anxious anticipation of appeasement due to your perceived social disruption.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 198 (view)
views on dogs living indoors
Posted: 4/25/2015 6:28:48 PM

Is this a fundamental difference between two people, that makes them incompatible?

The situation with the dogs is not the cause of incompatibility but an object of his heightened anxiety. It is his anxiety that will require attention. He may have an overactive amygdala.

Is she selfish/foolish for considering leaving the relationship?

Both will need to recognize that he suffers from heightened anxiety surrounding his perception of "dirty" and "gross" and "disrespected". He is apprehensive at a perceived threat or fear that the dogs (living indoors) evoke. This may require third party intervention. If neither are unwilling or unable to prepare for this, then it may be prudent to consider other options.

Neither person is willing to "give in" this relationship at dead end?

This is not entirely true. He did attempt to compromise. However, when his anxiety reached a very high level, he succumbed to the anxiety. This is counterproductive to overcoming anxiety and it only reinforces the avoidance behaviour, "he recently decided that her dog will NOT be allowed into his home, under any circumstance".

In order to resolve, he will need to elevate his level of anxiety and then stay with it until it subsides, naturally.
This will need to be repeated many times until his level of anxiety is tolerable or non-existent. May be very difficult to achieve without intervention (CBT) from a qualified therapist.

Hope this helps
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 431 (view)
what is more important to the older woman in a boyfriend?
Posted: 4/25/2015 9:08:00 AM
"Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, now I think, he|l it could be my fault"
- Jimmy Buffett

When we blame others, we are powerless; vulnerable to ridicule and criticism, ostracized.
We are left with unresolved emotional pain and anger that will only intensify. Attempts to inflict emotional pain onto others as a futile effort to eradicate our own suffering and guilt or shame will leave ourselves with deeper and deeper emotional scarring.
Clinging to anger, paranoia and resentment can lead to maladaptive thoughts, behaviours, feelings, pathology.

Just as we may need a doctor to stitch a deep cut, we may also require psychological counseling to assist in learning to accept and resolve our deeply rooted emotional pain so that we may begin to find joy and happiness, peace of mind, sustenance.

To fail means to have never tried at all. As long as we try, we can never fail. We have only to discover.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
Why do so many women only want to email/text and never meet in person
Posted: 4/23/2015 8:12:10 PM

Face to face conversation can be complex (nervousness, mild anxiety) and spontaneous wit can be difficult.
Texting allows time to create clever or witty messages without exposing bodily signs of anxiety.
Flirting, potentially stressful encounters, can be awkward and texting can remove some of the tension.
Texting can mask fears of rejection, abandonment or a sense of diminished intrinsic value (low self-worth).
Many possibilities exist.

It would be prudent to create and express to your romantic prospect, a set of rules or guidelines regarding texting that will reflect your personal tolerance and allow you to enjoy the process without becoming disappointed or impatient.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
Does pretty = friend - zone ?
Posted: 4/19/2015 1:15:24 PM

His compliment merely implies that he finds you to be very attractive, physically.
It doesn't suggest psychological, emotional, romantic or sexual interest, per se.
But, if you cease to concern yourself with equating "friend-zone" with mere compliments, you may be able to evolve into a wonderfully fulfilling, romantic relationship with him.
However, if you remain needy, confused, passive, unassertive, you may very well end up "friend-zoned".
If you are curious, why not ask him?
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 249 (view)
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/18/2015 6:54:11 AM
Rockin-trucker82 stated;

It's just a canned response that you go to, rather than accept that it was you. And everyone knows it.

Truth is subjective and contingent on which theory of truth we subscribe.

Constructivist theory of truth suggests that social processes determine or construct truth.
It suggests that truth is dependent on social convention, experience and perception.

Since we experience various forms of rejection either directly or indirectly vis a vis the, "canned response" and we perceive the canned response as rejection because, "everyone knows it", the social convention is to accept it as a truth of rejection and move on to other prospects.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 82 (view)
Is talking everyday too needy or clingy?
Posted: 4/16/2015 4:38:08 PM

Frequency of communication per se, should not define neediness.
Harassing (i.e. unwanted attention, affection, late night calls demanding, "where were you?"), acting out of fears of abandonment or desertion with an inability to differentiate or disproportionate dependence on another would better define neediness.
A healthy attachment would value the relationship by possessing a sensitivity to the effects of our actions on our partners.

We all have needs.
Healthily attached people are open and clear about their wants, needs, requests.
Needy people are not. They possess great difficulty with emotional requests and tend to act out of fear or a sense of helplessness, passivity, aggression.

As per your opening post, his complaining that she, "was too clingy because she called/texted him everyday" is suggestive of his own difficulty with expressing emotional needs, requests.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
The fish that got away
Posted: 4/14/2015 4:24:37 PM

I will suggest that it may be helpful to engage in some self-introspection regarding your method of establishing a sense of coherence in an otherwise perceived chaotic and dangerous world by cultivating or, "...classify as my enemies" as an attempt to feel safe or to give your life a sense of meaning.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/12/2015 10:42:52 AM

Divorce is a traumatic event for young children and a significant percentage suffer from some form of post traumatic stress.
If you truly love these children then, their health and welfare, psychological development should be paramount when considering your decisions, actions.
These children need a sense of security, safety and belonging.
Please do not deprive them of their need to be with Mom!

You are excluding yourself by failing to acknowledge, recognize the extreme importance of an emotionally, psychologically healthy bond between biological parent and child. Especially, post divorce.

These children need sympathy and support, not unresolved conflict or a perceived threat to their emotional, psychological stability.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
second chances
Posted: 4/12/2015 7:48:55 AM

It is very normal and common to feel a sense of selfishness and guilt after a breakup.

If you were not happy with the relationship, it would be far more constructive for both participants to be apart.
Your decision to break it off was actually very supportive.
It would have been selfish to stay in an unhappy relationship by denying yourself and him the opportunity to recover, rejuvenate, re-energize. If you were unhappy, he was as well.

At this stage, it is very important for him to take care of himself and for you to take care of yourself by engaging in some introspection as a first step towards a future, healthier relationship.

Do you not wish happiness for himself and yourself?
Your decision to break it off was compassionate and supportive by honouring and allowing that freedom of opportunity.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
Too soon to ask?
Posted: 4/11/2015 5:00:18 PM

Do you truly love her and desire a commitment with her at this early stage in the relationship?
Ambiguity in the first stages of a relationship is normal.

If it is important for you to clarify/define the relationship then, indeed, discuss this with her.
If she is less committed then, she will very likely break it off as she may be happy with the current arrangement.
If she is less committed but sees a future with you then, be prepared to have ongoing "negotiations" as you are likely to keep pressing in an attempt to eradicate your fear.
She may also feel pressured to commit before she is ready causing her to make an uncomfortable decision to commit prematurely or break it off (loss of freedom).
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 129 (view)
Your relationship theme song(s)
Posted: 4/6/2015 8:52:59 AM
I am a passionate music lover, especially rock and blues.
Def Leppard, Eagles, Meatloaf, Fleetwood Mac - Love 'em all - Have the albums
Here are just some of my favourites;

Lindsey Buckingham - Big Love "Unplugged"
Straight Lines - Letting Go
Sheriff - When I'm With You
Andy Kim - Rock Me Gently
Jeff Healey - Angel Eyes
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
Extreme - More Than Words
Tanya Tucker - Strong Enough to Bend
Cinderella - Bad Seamstress Blues, Fallin´ Apart At The Seams
The Stampeders - Sweet City Woman

The list is endless
Rock on!
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
Posted: 4/5/2015 4:19:40 PM

Neuroticism is an unattractive, undesirable personality trait and has everything to do with, "...who you are, how your looks are or how you conduct yourself...". As well, perceiving yourself to be "unlucky".

Why not make your own "luck"?
Learn to spot and seize an opportunity.
A 20 dollar bill, lying along a pathway.
The "unlucky" person walks right over the bill, intensely focused on how "unlucky" he/she perceives him/herself.
The "lucky" person discovers the bill and pockets it.

Learn to cultivate a cognitive flexibility.
Explore new territory, take a different route to work, expand your network of friends, acquaintances, re-evaluate your own personality inventory.
Adaptable, flexible, amenable people respond very differently to the same stimuli than do rigid, neurotic people.
Being and staying positive is important to recognizing opportunities, possibilities by stimulating visual, auditory sensory perception and increasing capacity for information, resources, intuitiveness, love.

Negativity, rigidness, neuroticism equates with "tunnel vision".
If you look too hard, you will see less.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
How do you determine when someone is trying to be helpful or being domineering/pushy?
Posted: 4/4/2015 5:44:10 PM

In addition to the thoughtful posts from "Christ on a Crutch" et al.,
I'll offer some quick thoughts.
Many possibilities and variations exist.

Unsolicited advice could be an attempt at a specious or contrived sense of intimacy.
Unsolicited advice can stem from a need to feel needed or important (Let me "fix" it).
Unsolicited advice can stem from a need to "vent" as some will persistently emote as a consequence of underlying and unresolved childhood issues.
Unsolicited advice can stem from those who need to be "more knowledgeable" than their partner as a form of domination or power, control.
Unsolicited advice can stem from an inability to cope with feelings associated with a sense of helplessness.
This may stem from an insecure sense of identity and a consequential belief that we need to "do" something in an effort to support or restore our sense of identity.
Those who are depressed, suffer with a sense of hopelessness, helplessness far greater than those who are not depressed.

Some, especially with narcissistic tendencies will pontificate ad nauseum, offering unsolicited advice; the need to enact the role of preacher, teacher.

Still, others may offer unsolicited advice as a genuine concern and desire to help.

You may feel uncomfortable because the unsolicited advice may be perceived as a threat to your sense of "freedom" or "independence".
You may fear being a subordinate to the will of another.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 80 (view)
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 8:36:59 AM

I disagree with this statement. I think yelling IS ABUSIVE.

That's fine, InnerGorilla.
If you disagree with my statement and think that yelling is abusive, that is absolutely acceptable and I respect your position.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 78 (view)
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 7:58:23 AM

Currently (according to your typed words), he is not being abusive but merely expressing his anger through "yelling".

I apologize, I should have been more concise with this statement.

If I may...
If he is angrily expressing his desire, want or need to have sex, raising his voice in the process (yelling) then, he is simply expressing his desire in an angry manner. While not a healthy form of psychological coping and rather self-defeatist, I would not consider it abusive or malicious.

However, if he is blaming, criticizing, threatening, name-calling as intent to make her feel responsible for the situation that he has placed himself, causing her to feel inferior or inadequate then, he is clearly being abusive.
Also, if she makes it clear to him that she is frightened by his yelling and he persists with the firm knowledge that he is scaring her then, he is being abusive.
This was not mentioned in Looking4u0123's post.

I wish to be very clear that regardless of whether or not he is abusive, his current mindset is of a controlling manner and not a loving, caring, nurturing nature.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 57 (view)
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/20/2015 7:01:44 PM

The anger that he is expressing in this circumstance is an ego defense mechanism to protect the psyche from a more serious threat of anxiety and is a hindrance to healthy psychological coping, endangered self esteem, self-image deficit.
Currently (according to your typed words), he is not being abusive but merely expressing his anger through "yelling".
However, this form of ego-defensive, self-soothing, symptomatic anger can easily lead to abuse if not recognized and dealt.

If you are able, try to discuss with him the root of his anger; the underlying anxiety due to:
Fear of rejection, intense guilt or shame, powerlessness, feeling unimportant or unlovable, etc.
You might ask what having/not having sex every night means or represents to him.
This may take some time to process because from the point of his arousal of fear to his equally intense anger can happen so fast that he may not recall the instantaneous intrepidation that preceded the anger.

Healthy psychological coping means possessing internal resources to self-validate. The ability to admit/acknowledge our possible inadequacies without experiencing unbearable guilt or shame.
If he lacks internal resources to self-validate, he may invalidate others through desperate, reactive, self-soothing anger.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
When the person you like is still online
Posted: 6/29/2014 7:31:57 PM

Try to develop a healthy scepticism when utilizing online dating websites.
This does not mean to become thick skinned or to develop a negative attitude.

Remember that nothing is real until you meet.
Try to base your judgements on fact as opposed to subjective belief or "hope/chance".
You never know who is behind some of the dating profiles until you actually meet in person.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
i keep running away from big arguments
Posted: 6/28/2014 1:47:47 PM

Your clinging to anger is concealing an underlying and deeply rooted resentment.
This is indicated by the adverse and impulsive overreaction to the "big arguments"; to "pack everything up and move out".
Though, your underlying resentment may be triggered or provoked by the "big arguments", your hostility is very likely fueled by years of neglect, frustration, disappointment, disrespect for your feelings, as far back as childhood.

Clinging to anger and reinforcing resentment is fueled by a belief in the illusion that we will achieve justice for the past hurt and transgressions that have been bestowed upon us from people who were needlessly mean, hurtful or, from people we feel whom have not done enough for us or should have done for us.

Do you often need to be right?
If you are attempting to prove that you are right, remember that the other is most likely not bothered by the interactive, meshing thoughts in your mind. This leaves you feeling the brunt of the emotional pain rather than the person/people for whom you hold a grudge.

Resentment is a persistent, habitual condition of the mind.
To begin to release the resentment we must realize that we are harbouring resentment to re experience past events.
We must recognize that we cannot alter the past and we cannot control others who have hurt us.
Explore how resentment is reinforced by confusing people in our present with people from our past.
Resentment gives us a feeling of power and strength, control but, it is illusory and eroding, destructive to our psyche.
We need to acknowledge and accept our participation in allowing the emotional pain to occur within us and forgive ourselves.

It may be helpful to seek a 12 step program or attend anger management meetings, locally.
Recognize that through the releasing of resentment, you are awarding yourself the freedom from the emotional destruction of resentment and not submitting to those for whom you hold a grudge.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
My boyfriend had just talked to this girl.
Posted: 6/27/2014 9:29:30 PM

Breakups leave people feeling emotionally vulnerable and open to being taken advantage.
This vulnerable state leaves one with an intense feeling of loss and a desire to fill that loss; to seek some form of stability.
Some will engage in new and unhealthy relations to seek an emotional "high" or euphoria as a distraction or denial of emotional pain and a necessary and important grieving process.

According to Sasha, Garret has been scouring online sources and has apparently, chosen to befriend a woman who is in a vulnerable state.

Garret may not have dealt with his emotions, feelings from a previous relationship(s) constructively and may be seeking an emotional "high" himself as he may have done with you, initially. An effective way to achieve this is to seek a vulnerable and willing partner as he has done (dysfunction seeks dysfunction). His verbal defence (spirituality and aliens) to your inquiry may be a form of denial of truth. While he may be honest, he may not truthful.

The euphoria inevitably yields to the return of unresolved emotional issues, impelling him to again, seek an emotional "high" with yet another vulnerable and willing, possibly under the guise of "spirituality and aliens".
This dysfunctional behaviour can lead to neurosis, addiction, unhealthy dependency, dysfunctional compatibility.

Additionally, Garret has shown very little consideration, respect, support for your feelings and concerns under these specific circumstances,
"him telling you to back off" and "I asked if I could look at his computer and he says no".
Yet, he has no problem giving his attention and time to an emotionally vulnerable stranger with whom he has intentionally befriended. Do you not think his behaviour to be highly inappropriate?

Do you think that his intentional befriending of a stranger (vulnerable woman) whom he had met while scouring online sources while actively engaged in a cohabiting, romantic relationship with you is healthy and nurturing, loving and endearing, constructive and encouraging, supportive?

Or, could he possess a secret; that he is in denial of his own emotional pain?
Does he freely communicate his feelings with you or does he practice avoidance or controlling behaviour such as telling you to "back off" or citing "spirituality and aliens"?

Other posters have observed that you have an active profile with a join date of 08/12/2012.
Perhaps, you carry secrets as well?
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
Why would a guy flip like that?
Posted: 6/16/2014 6:05:07 PM

Well, he was most certainly, angry.
If you understand that anger can arise from excessive worry, a preoccupation with personal problems, memories of traumatic or infuriating events that elicit a perceived threat then, in some manner, he felt threatened by your question and possibly other components of the interaction as triggers.

The concern that should matter is not that he became angry but that he expressed his anger inappropriately.
If, as you state, "he's never like this" then, it is very likely that he suppresses anger.

Suppressed, unexpressed anger can lead to pathological, indirect expressions of anger.
In other words, his expression of anger was to intentionally hurt you without telling you why or confronting you directly, the real reason for his anger, which was not your asking him to describe you, per se. Passive aggression is another form of indirectly expressed anger.

Additionally, his hostile, cynical, criticizing, condescending manner of expressing his anger indicates that he has not learned to manage anger (emotion) constructively.
This can lead to a serious developmental personality disorder and is antisocial, shame based at the very least.

Let his behaviour be a clear signal for you to distance yourself, emotionally and physically, lest you experience further and deeper emotional pain, guilt from his inability to constructively and compassionately, appropriately express anger.

BTW, this destructive, maladaptive expression of anger is not gender specific.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
Should I ask him out for a coffee?
Posted: 6/13/2014 8:52:03 PM

Ok but why would it be such a bad thing to ask him out for coffee or just exchange numbers if he is married? If it doesn't lead to anything else it's not wrong.

If he is married then, acting on exchanging phone numbers and asking him out on the basis of romantic interest will be indicative of having demonstrated an inability to self regulate, self control.
At that point, you will indeed be leading as in misleading, deceiving regardless of his complicity.

You seem to be attempting to rationalize your behaviour. This is an ego defence of the psyche to an intolerable, unbearable situation.
In other words, you are strongly attracted to him; far more than your ego is willing to acknowledge, even given your suspicion of him being married in the first place.

Unfortunately, the ego is weak and without the support of a healthy self esteem, self concept, moral reason and integrity, the psyche becomes bathed in fantasy, delusion.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
Should I ask him out for a coffee?
Posted: 6/13/2014 6:35:27 PM

This may have been mentioned and may be construed as obvious but deducing that he is currently married simply by virtue of his relationship with his in-laws is pure speculation.
While I can appreciate the attraction that exists, it is paramount that you determine with certainty, his marital status.
He has not given a reason to suspect that he is married especially, since the conversation was principally concerning his ex-wife and son.
It is not unusual, abnormal or inappropriate to continue relations with in-laws of an ex-wife.

Since you suspect that he is married, lacking knowledge to the contrary and your clearly expressed romantic interest, "I can't stop smiling", it would be considered inappropriate to engage in casual, leisure one on one contact unless it is to determine his marital status, specifically.

If it is determined that he is indeed married then, it would be highly appropriate, ethically and morally, to exercise self-regulation, self-control and behave accordingly by maintaining appropriate emotional, physical distance.
Given your clearly expressed romantic interest, it would be extremely selfish, deceptive, manipulative and sabotaging to attempt to act on that interest, if he is married.
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
Confused! Please help
Posted: 6/12/2014 6:46:02 PM

I like the song, Three Little Birds - Bob Marley.

So, in his spirit,

"This is my message to you-ou-ou".

It is apparent that you have idealized him and your time together some six or seven years prior.
Your longing for Matthew is a type of nostalgia that can be born from an inadequacy, deficiency in your current romantic life.

When we are feeling sad, lonely or lost with ourselves, it is normal or natural to try to alter our mind state.
Sometimes we refer to our past, including past lovers, by evoking memories as a part of our imagination to move from one place to another in our minds to recreate, re experience positive events.

However, the idealization of a past romantic encounter combined with the remembrance of the parting can create conflict, confusion surrounding the romantic prospects with a past partner.
This idealization is the ego's defence mechanism to protect the psyche from anxiety, stress due to current intolerable circumstances.

Try to surround yourself with good, trusted friends and engage in activities, environments that are conducive to positive emotional experiences (not emotionally avoidant experiences such as excessive alcohol intake, sexual promiscuity).

"Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
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