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 Author Thread: Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 110 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 3/1/2008 7:36:53 AM

Civil Discussion in my sorry way of thinking would require allowing questions to be asked and getting answers to those questions. The only berating that is done is by those that don't like to hear some of those questions.


Excuse me Dude, but discussions are not made of questions and answers but of opinions exchange for the purpose of presenting a broader view. The above is the result of your "sorry' way of thinking. (your words, not mine)
Even when you turn a discussion into a deposition, you still do not accept the answers. If they don't fit some preconceived notion which resides within your view of acceptance, you find all kinds of reasons to ridicule the person's beliefs and convictions. AND, then you claim you are not trashing and berating these people, but merely pointing out to them than you know better what makes them tick than they do.
What an outrageous assumption which continues to feed the disagreements.


As I stated before the 'message' is what I'm addressing, not the messenger, some of those messengers seem to think it's all about them but that's not my problem


This is an hypocritical statement. How could you be addressing the MESSAGE rather than the MESSENGER, when you ask the MESSENGER personal questions which are only true for that particular "MESSENGER", but not necessarily fit the bill for all MESSAGES of the same nature. All this for what? For the only purpose of proving yourself righteous. The least you can do is make sure that the contradictions in your posts are not on the same post.

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:43:40 AM

I've seen you post your health stats on line and infer you are better because of those choices you made.

Can you answer a simple question like, "Are you looking for a Long Term Relationship or not?" with a simple yes or no?


1. Nowhere in my post did I say I was better than anyone, my stats are only an indication of my health wise state of affairs. I have no clue why this is so hard to understand.

2. Is this a deposition? As you well know a person's likes, dislikes and desires are much more than black and white. But for someone who sees no color I am willing to make an exception. No, currently I am not looking for any relationship and I'll save you the next question too. I am not lonely, in denial and making excuses. I love my life as is, no drama. May be this state of relaxation has something to do with my health stats??
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 96 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/29/2008 6:36:21 AM

And it's kinda creepy in a way; they don't date, they don't do relationships, they're 'above it all', and yet they still prowl around the forums of an Internet Dating Site (duh!) dispensing "advice" to the rest of us... Geez, get a life!


How in the world do you know who is dating or doing/not doing relationships? What advise have they "dispensed" lately and what makes you think they got "no life"?
This is pretty presumptuous don't you think?
The deal is that if people want, they date, they don't want, they don't date, they can be here just like you can and need not justify their presence. The most ridiculous question is why they are here if they don't want relationship. The answer is because they want to, period. They pay to be here as much as you do!
Last but not least, none of these people ever stated they are superior to others, this idiotic notion was introduced here by a person who believes himself to be the "Modern Dr. Sigmund Freud" and who knows what's best for everyone else but himself.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/28/2008 6:18:05 PM

Do you have the ability or desire to make time for a relationship, only YOU know that answer. I know that I do, for the right person........ Determine your values, set some goals and do what YOU need to do for you.


I am willing to bet, that just about everybody who is here searching for a partner, is doing just that. They have been doing it for years, but they are still here.
The problem is that "the right one" doesn't just drop from from the sky, beats the door down and explains that he is "the one". In real life it doesn't happen that way. It may take years to find a compatible person, but by the time a person gets there,(if he ever does), he/she is worse for wear and tear and really not that much into it anymore.
If such person has invested all his/her time into finding something that is elusive at best and comes out empty handed, where is the value in that?This person is still at the starting gate, only a few years older and still not wiser.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/28/2008 4:13:46 PM

I’ve always had ‘things I gotta do today’, always had my calendar as full as I can get it. It’s been that way since I was a kid and I don’t expect that will ever change. Holes I do get in my days, I fill as quickly as I spot them. When I think about it, I’ve always been in a position where I’m wa-a-ay too busy to have a relationship. And to just have a relationship because those around me are having them or social attitude tries to make me believe I should, is something I’ve always stayed away from. But when someone enters my life that I really want to get into a relationship with ... well, everything changes. Priorities reshuffle. Things become important that I’d forgotten about. Other things slip to roles of much less importance in my life. And it isn’t me wanting a relationship that dictates my meeting someone, but my meeting someone dictating my wish to reshuffle the priorities in my life. And that’s how it’s always worked for me ... as far back as I can remember. I’ll always be too busy for a relationship, and always have all the time necessary when the right one comes along. Funny too, how all that works out.


You mean you don't pre empty your schedule and sit around waiting, so you don't miss anything just in case?
I think you need a psychological analysis and I know just the right person for that.


Just kidding CDN guy, you are absolutely correct. We will shift priorities and make necessary modifications for a worthy cause. Otherwise, life just goes on and the only worthy cause in this case is your happiness. Who is to say which cause is better?
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/28/2008 9:19:24 AM

Maybe that's the real issue.... when folks talk alot about busy schedules, 'time constraints', and having 'too much going on to have a relationship', how often is that really an excuse for other some things (i.e. caution, fear, too self-centered, 'independence', etc....)?


I agree with your assessment, but then why would one need an excuse NOT to want a relationship. Having one is not mandatory.
I have been looking for excuses why I should have a relationship and haven't found any which seem to be irresistible.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:50:57 PM

Perhaps spending some time with the phantom girlfriend might be a good idea.


What girlfriend?
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:36:27 PM
Good for you guys!
Don't let grumpy ole' people put a dent in your otherwise sunny day.

Some people are always unhappy and ragging on the happy ones. Kinda makes me think may be being in a relationship causes that.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:28:19 PM

You wanna know what would really really SUCK?? Giving up and "settling" for someone because it was "better than being alone", and THEN have that really right person come along.


That's what I call "poetic justice".....lol.
You are correct of course. In my case, being on this site and having the privilege of reading the boards, has been a consistent reminder of why I don't want a relationship.
Too many desperate men and women, keeping their lives on hold till "the one" comes along, is a pitiful waste of time.

To answer the curious soul why I have a "long term" in my profile, is because if and when or strictly by chance, while I have not looked for, some fantastic man crosses my path, he will already be privy of what I seek in a relationship.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/25/2008 4:15:18 PM

If you prefer a solitary life why do you have 'long term' in your profile? That makes it very unclear to everyone that assumes it means long term 'relationship'.


If you want to end discussion, stop typing here, stop asking questions which are none of your business. You can not control what others think and want and definitely not what they write in their profile. Capice?


 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:34:07 PM

If you ever get a chance to date within your species you might find that even more enjoyable than being happy single and only getting kisses from a couple of dogs.


At this stage of life, most of us if not all have dated, married, had children, divorced, tried more relationships, married again and divorced again.
We are wise to life's trails, there is nothing that can be new and un experienced yet.
Incidentally, we did "get a chance" to date within our species and decided that we prefer a solitary way of life. Is there anything unclear about that? Why are our decisions being continuously challenged? This is what we want and that's the end of the discussion. Capice?
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Do you have too much going on to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/25/2008 11:42:18 AM

It guess creep is the new happy.


I would not worry about people being envious of you, because that's what it is.
When the men you refuse to date who hate the fact that you are self sufficient start paying YOUR bills, then may be they'll be entitled to say one word about your choices.
Till then, have a blast. There is life outside of a relationship.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Over 50 with younger kids?
Posted: 2/24/2008 1:20:34 PM

I love this place.


I love it too!! It's amazing, isn't it?


I just wonder when and how these people intend to hide the kids when push comes to shove. You could not pay me enough to even remotely consider this type of a scenario.
I attempted this 5 years ago and did it against my better judgement. It was surely enough to cure me of ever entertaining any further illusions of getting involved with a man who still has kids at home. I will leave this to women who are in the same situation.
Unfortunately, there are no happy "Brady Bunches".

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Scuba diving' great locations
Posted: 2/23/2008 12:20:38 PM
Regarding the Blue Hole of Belize....at a depth of approx 150 feet, there are open caverns rich with stalagmites and stalagmites, it is quite impressive.
One needs to be comfortable at this depth and needless to say, time on air is limited.

I have been all over the world, but would always love diving in So Cal. In fact, on the open ocean side of Catalina Island, there is a dive site called Farnsworth Banks, which is considered a world class dive and one of the top five dive locations in the world.
The entire pinnacle coming up to about 70 ft (it does not break surface) is covered with California purple hydro coral, a true coral species. This dive is so spectacular, that people from around the world come to dive it and it is a must on many seasoned diver's list.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 264 (view)
 
Over 45 Men, How should we dress? OK Ladies fire away!
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:54:28 AM
For as long as a man is dressed in a clean and presentable attire, I really don't care what he wears, it's only superficial. But I do care that when he takes it off, his birthday suit is in an excellent condition.

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 83 (view)
 
Men over 50 wanting children
Posted: 2/22/2008 3:59:52 PM

Age is relative to your genetics. I'm actively pursuing a 2nd life/wife/child. I was good at it the first time (son is 22). I will be even better this next time. My adjusted biological age is about 45, and I will live to be 95 plus.


I think I will refrain from expressing my true opinion.


 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 64 (view)
 
Are there dating rules for us Boomers?
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:47:13 AM

dating rules? since when did they start making rules and why wasn't I informed???


You were not informed because you are not a Baby Boomer. All Boomers have been obligated to abide by the Constitutional Laws dealing with dating.
Last I heard, we may be required to become bonded and insured in order to deal with damages caused to some men inflicted with the "blue balls syndrome"

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Dominants and Submissives
Posted: 2/19/2008 5:18:12 PM
This is as old as the French Foreign Legion and just as ridiculous. Why would anyone want to enter a relationship in order to engage in narcissistic exercises.
True relationships are about equality, individual expression and joint efforts.
Nobody domineers the other, that's for the birds.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Are there dating rules for us Boomers?
Posted: 2/19/2008 5:09:53 PM

Us regulars know you have a few rules that against just about every dating situation you might encounter and they seem to be working quite well now for years.


This is kinda below the belt hit, don't ya think?
Just because someone is selective, not desperate and has a life without a relationship,
doesn't justify wise cracks.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Are there dating rules for us Boomers?
Posted: 2/19/2008 2:01:54 PM
OLT4U,

Your posts are some of the funniest I have read here in a long while, besides being right on the money.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Are there dating rules for us Boomers?
Posted: 2/19/2008 10:44:31 AM
OK fellas. I can most certainly see and understand your thoughts.


Not a "fella" but here are my thoughts:
If there was undeniable and exceptional chemistry, heck yes, I would have sex on the first date, especially if I had the chance to develop a connection and felt no threat being alone with him.
I think this type of understanding comes with age and maturity, when we shed the accepted social restraints and become free.
The main thing is, I really don't care what people may say, I have earned the right to do what I think is right for me, providing no one gets hurt in the process. What 'HE" does after, will have no bearing on my decision.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Are there dating rules for us Boomers?
Posted: 2/18/2008 10:54:51 AM
Is it OK to have "heavy petting" sessions outside of a relationship? Isn't there a rule for that?

So you go on a date, you lead him on with "samples" and at the end tell him no sex till he concedes relationship.
If I were that guy, I would not call you either. This type of behavior is fitting for a juvenile, not a mature woman.
This in fact, sounds like blackmail to me.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How do you react to over-zealous and/or self-effacing talk in email?
Posted: 2/13/2008 2:09:44 PM
Let me offer a wild guess: the e mails came from men 20 to 30 years younger and some are not even in the USA.

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Doesn't it seem we are trying to order our mates like we order dinner?
Posted: 1/27/2008 6:00:23 PM

....Whats wrong with ordering what we like....we do it in everyday life. We choose only the best fruit and vegetables, we want all the options when choosing a new vehicle. When shopping for clothes we look for the best quality in a style that is both flattering and fits well. And, when at our favourite restaurants, don't we order what we think will excite our palate?....It seems we place a lot of importance on making the "right choices" in all other aspects of our life, shouldn't the same amount of consideration be give to someone we intend on spending the remainder of our lives with?


Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Except that the examples above don't get to choose, only we do.
In the matters of relationships, the "chosen" one has to choose us too and that pretty much reduces the chances by at least 50 percent.
What that means is that the more unrealistic our stipulations for a partner are, the lesser the chances are of finding one.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Doesn't it seem we are trying to order our mates like we order dinner?
Posted: 1/27/2008 9:27:41 AM
The reason online dating looks like a merchandise market is because that's what it is.
Single's sites are loaded with people posting themselves for sale by presenting the "goods" they have to offer. People view and treat this phenomena as a "menu" because it is a menu. Never before has there been so much people to choose from, all concentrated in one place.
This of course creates competition and as in every healthy market, merchants promote their product by outlining it's exceptional virtues. Since all of this is out in the open, people get the option to pick and choose.
The only problem I see is, that just about all people on these sites emphasise universally accepted desirable traits and nobody knows in actuality if this indeed is the case. I have never seen a profile claiming to be ugly, dumb, dishonest, a liar and that he/she would only consider a democrat since elections are decided in the bedroom.

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Mature Woman
Posted: 1/21/2008 5:08:19 PM
I see what you mean by owning a thread.........

I can't vouch for other women, but I would love to have sex, and I would need someone to have it with......
That's the problem most men and women are equally facing.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 53 (view)
 
in our age group, what constitutes a GOLD DIGGER???
Posted: 1/3/2008 10:04:20 AM
Gold diggers have a certain personality and goal in mind. For the sake of the argument, any man or woman who are not financially well and are searching for a well to do partner, could be tagged as gold diggers. But here is where the similarity ends. Financially responsible people gravitate towards the same. They have the means to afford the life style they desire and naturally expect to find a partner who has the same.
At this stage of life, people are not that easy to share what they have with a new found partner. Part of the issue being an attempt to preserve what they have for their kids and rightfully so.
Gold diggers use any means at their disposal to find and attract a well to do partner, at times being dishonest and presenting the wrong picture.
Perfect examples, young women picking on older men and vise verse. Chances are that for both genders the ego of having a young bod may cloud proper judgement.
These are the real gold diggers. They go at it with a definite purpose and a goal meant to deceive. So the next time an older man/woman gets an e mail from a 20 years old, she needs to think in these type of terms. Why would a young men/woman approach an older men/woman when the sites are full of young men/women which realistically offer a real chance for a true relationship.
Unfortunately, most people really don't get it.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
what's up with face-to-face?
Posted: 12/31/2007 6:29:41 AM

So if a guy would rather meet face to face than just chat via messenger he is only looking for sex? That's ridiculous.


I never said he was looking for only sex, everybody else did. In fact sex is part of the plan but not the main goal. These men use sex as a tool to seduce older women into handing out what they are really after. When she refused to meet right away, believing in his "honorable" intentions, he got pissed off because now he had to waste more time to find another victim. His actions give him clearly away.
This is not only true of younger men, women prey on older men too. I honestly feel sorry for anyone who falls for this type of garbage and people do.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
what's up with face-to-face?
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:55:32 AM
My guess would be that this "youngster" was in his 20s or early 30s.
He had no romance on his mind, guaranteed.
Some younger man perceive older women as desperate and easy pickings. He has no time to waste, he obviously wanted something and wanted it now.
Lemme guess: Green Card? A place to live? Financial support? Who knows what goes on in his devious mind.
By the way, this is a wide spread phenomena and I have no idea why people still fall for it.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Is this the biggest Hurdle ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 12:12:47 PM

He's got a guaranteed income, he can go *anywhere*, he's got time to spend on a mate and he's still relatively young.

My mind boggles that this is negative.


Yup, give me a retired guy anytime, providing he has no tendencies towards being a "couch potato". This is freedom at it's best.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Is this the biggest Hurdle ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 9:46:08 AM

Life is a package deal. Learn to enjoy all its adventures. Kids are just another adventure.


I disagree, kids are not an adventure for everyone. I can see you take your responsibility as a father seriously and you should do no less.
However, you should not expect that women feel the same towards kids in general and yours in particular. Doing so sets you for a disappointment, which I clearly see in your posts.
Some women myself included, would not date a man who is still raising kids. Not because I hate kids, but because your life style and mine for example are not compatible. I have a total freedom, seek the same and will not settle for less.
Kids are and should be a priority for their parents and many people just do not want to be number two or less for you, when they can be number one for a person with no kids.
May be this makes no sense to a parent, viewing it from a "kid biased" point of view, but it is true all the same.
I am not saying that a parent can not find a partner, only that his/her choice are more limited and they should reconcile their search to the existing facts.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Is this the biggest Hurdle ?
Posted: 12/27/2007 9:28:19 AM
I think the biggest hurdle is the unrealistic expectations people have from relationships in general and from other people in particular. Why would anyone expect any sacrifices in order to be in a relationship and how is it decided who makes them or how far is one willing to go while he/she is in a sacrificial mode?
What happens later in the game when the Utopia mellows down and a person who has sacrificed more to make the relationship possible, develops resentment and justifiably so.
I actually think that expecting sacrifices for a relationship is unrealistic and downright selfish. The key word is compromising the issues which one feels he can be without.
Losing identity does not make a good partner, but a dependent one. The trick is to combine the wants and desires of two people into one without neither feeling cheated in the process.
I know it is almost impossible at any age to do this and specifically at our age. That's why people can only keep on dreaming, for most it'll never happen mainly due to the fact that they can not bend low enough nor do they want to. They expect that someone else do the bending and they reap the benefits.
These type of people can not conceive remaining alone, for them it's unthinkable.
In the mean time they keep wasting the opportunity to establish a meaningful single life. This is lack of due diligence to oneself and at our age the window of opportunity is truly quite short.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Is this the biggest Hurdle ?
Posted: 12/26/2007 12:42:57 PM
Sacrifice has become a dirty word and borders along with the 'settling' line of thinking. I read of several on these boards who boast of their individuality to the point that they don't even recognize how self centered they truly are. It's like they've acquired some gift or something to be totally 'whole' within themselves and they are not about to subject themselves to another's wishes if it is contraire to theirs, (and this is viewed as a good thing to them).


A person who has come to terms and accepted his single existence and solitude is not a threat to the people who are still searching. You can say that these people are self centered and you would be correct by default. By remaining single they need not make compromises and sacrifices to enable a relationship. This is more honorable and honest to say the least and hurts no one. The ones to watch for are the desperate types who would lead others on, only to back off at the last minute without giving a single thought to what their 'future' partner has given up and possibly will never be able to recover.
There are plenty of examples here. This is truly the sad part, because inevitably when a person is in search for a partner, he does not operate in a vacuum and may impact another life in the process to an extent he may never know or even care.
This is one of the main reasons I have remained single and make no secret of how content I am.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Is this the biggest Hurdle ?
Posted: 12/24/2007 12:39:30 PM
Having done all that and you are still a single...
It's a testimonial to the integrity of my post......just kidding...

Honestly, where do you find the fortitude and emotional stamina to continue without missing a beat? My hat off to you.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Is this the biggest Hurdle ?
Posted: 12/24/2007 11:32:33 AM
This is the main reason that I have stopped dating. I am not interested into fitting into the vacancy left by the ex.


This exactly how I feel, should have thought about it sooner and thank you for saying it.


The whole dating scenario is a myth. Many people live with hopes and dreams of finally finding their love, but for the majority it isn't going to happen. Too many road blocks being erected by men and women, who are not willing to compromise.
They do want someone in their lives to fill a certain void, but most are incapable or not willing to make room to accommodate another person, physically, emotionally or both.
A few years back, when I was dating on a regular basis, I often thought about this issue.
Since then my idealistic approach of dating has drastically changed. May be I have become a cynic, but I do believe I am firmly grounded. Very seldom have I met someone who I thought might be compatible on more than one level, not to mention that majority of men didn't care about compatibility, something very obvious to me.
Most couldn't even say what was in my online profile.
There was one man whom I gave credit for being interesting and intelligent, until his wife called me.
Therefore, I believe that more people than not embark on a partner search with all the reckless abandon of a dead toad stuck in it's swamp or having prepared a frame, just looking for a picture to fill it with.
There are some genuine souls to say the least, but I think they are far and in between.

Happy Holidays
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Kids from a previous marriage
Posted: 12/23/2007 10:00:56 AM
I agree that this is your daughter's day. However being as such, why does she even care who you bring with you. Her happiness would not be impacted either way.
Seems to me she has started the family feud, for reasons only known to her.

You see, if you love and respect the woman you are dating and one year is a long time,
this woman just may be your future. Your adult kids should stop telling you what to do, it should be be your decision alone.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Cute Young Girls
Posted: 12/22/2007 8:29:21 AM
We need to compare notes about these boots. I have exactly the same black leather, lace up, knee high 4 inch stiletto boots, which I bought in Macy's last year at this time.
I also get lots of compliments on them.

Must be the "magic" in the boots.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
What kind of relationship are you seeking?
Posted: 12/13/2007 6:27:48 PM
I am currently not looking for anything but if I was it would be for one man who wants one woman, period.
The analogies and logic used in the OP's post make promiscuity and lack of loyalty almost look good.
It doesn't take a big heart to love and accept love from a few people, but it takes a selfish personality.
Is it workable and where is it going is not clear but I suspect it's not really meant to go anywhere in the traditional sense of the word.
It's about taking care of needs which is great. One person takes care of the sexual needs, another manages the entertainment department and then one more is needed to take care of finances. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. I just think that I am going to have a hard time juggling them all, which means I will need one more to take care of my calendar.


We are also, as a rule, more compassionate and passionate about our partners' feelings. It is all this, and much much more that brings me to seek poly acceptance, if not polyamory itself, from a partner.


Wow, this is pretty presumptuous stuff. If you are looking for justification, there is no need to. For as long as you don't marry more than one person, you have no problems.
You folks would be looked upon as ordinary lechers.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Fishies Advice Sought
Posted: 12/12/2007 8:21:38 PM
This is the problem with long distance, people can hide more than you care to know.

She seems a user to me. She will go along if and when someone else makes the effort, but she is not into making any.
The ad thing is a poor excuse for brushing you off, even a retarded person can do better than that. Count your luck that all you lost is little time.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Outdoor activities plus similar thrill levels as we age. How important?
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:47:34 PM
LOL, now I know why I am single, nobody my age wants to run the LA Marathon on March 2, 2008 with me.
It is not what you can do at your age, it is what you want to do with your age.

Life is grand, isn't it?
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I dont know what to do
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:22:21 PM
This is a hard call to make Laker. I understand where you are coming from and I am not in a hurry to point an accusing finger. I wish you had not posted here. I can already see the "morality division" having a field day with your desolation.
You are not all in the wrong. In order to continue taking care of your wife and be there for her, you will need to recharge your own resources, or you will have nothing left to give.
My suggestion would be to talk to family, friends and any other objective source of advice. Even a Professional is not out of the question.
Your situation may be long term, so what ever solution you find needs to be long term as well and able to sustain you during this difficult time in your life.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 194 (view)
 
Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/10/2007 6:05:37 PM

Can I sit with you, as that seems to be the same with me.. maybe we will get it right after awhile. LOL


Please feel at home, my couch is your couch.....
May be we can get 2 psychological profiles for the price of one??
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 192 (view)
 
Should over 50 people be less selective?
Posted: 12/10/2007 5:55:26 PM
I gotta say I must be selective. Out of at least hundred e mails, I ain't gone out with anybody.
Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for a free psychological analysis......

 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 90 (view)
 
Married ladies that fool around
Posted: 12/10/2007 1:29:27 PM

Stop looking for validation if you feel there is already justification. There is none!


Sorry Red, this isn't a jury trial and I do not need to prove any points, much less seek validation. This is my opinion.
I am looking further than my nose and placing myself in their painful situation. Personally, I would not want to be in their shoes.
Life is much more than black and white, but it takes colored vision to see it as such.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Married ladies that fool around
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:25:02 AM
APC,

Your post is exceptional.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
enough with the sex already!
Posted: 12/9/2007 11:36:07 AM
Unfortunately sex is not a recreational activity, but an inbred instinct. Most healthy adults can not conceive a romantic relationship without sex. The fact that people do it for decades doesn't mean they should consciously stop.
It is beyond me why would anyone even consider embarking on a romantic relationship knowing, that one of the most beautiful parts will be missing.
I am aware that sex has many shapes and forms but I believe the OP is referring to sex in general and the lack of desire to engage in any of it.
What a shame.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Married ladies that fool around
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:05:00 AM

I have found that most people that cheat on a spouse, will do so whether their marriage is sexless or not. I know a lot of people who have a good sexual relationship within the marriage and still want to seek some fun on the side.


Agreed! However, this topic deals with people who are sexually deprived by their partners and who have tried to rectify the problem unsuccessfully.
I don't think they qualify for the title of "your every day garden variety cheaters".



 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 77 (view)
 
Married ladies that fool around
Posted: 12/7/2007 8:46:02 AM
Well Red, Marriage vows are very noble, no doubt about that.
When I said "subtle", I meant underlying issues in a marriage which are not part of the honorable text of the vows, but in fact carry the largest impact on any marriage, aka SEX.
Any person who forgoes having intimacy with a partner who is available to him/her, breaks and dishonors a part of the marriage vows, which in turn causes additional erosion of the marriage. What does a person who feels neglected and justifiably so do? Stick it out no matter what or just drops it and leaves. It is unrealistic to expect either, due mostly to life's circumstances. Loyalty and honoring vows have to be earned on a continuous basis and than some.
It is unfair to fault people who seek and find other solutions to the problem in an attempt to keep a marriage intact and each case has it's own merit or the lack of.
Unfortunately in our society, marriage vows are expandable, the fact being that more than 50 percent of couples get divorced due to marriage voes being disrespected and unfulfilled.
I have a dear friend and a dive associate, who has faced this issue for years. He loves his family dearly and is not willing to walk away, but in the last few years has searched for a solution to the lack of sex in his life. I for one, have never faulted him for doing so, he was pushed into this type of a "no win" situation by an arrogant partner who is not willing to even concede to a problem.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Married ladies that fool around
Posted: 12/6/2007 11:38:09 AM

* I do not want a divorce.
* I do not want an affair.
* I've read book after book.
* Visited dozens of marriage help web sites.
* Spoken to councilors and Ministers
* I do not want to continue on as if everything is fine.

Something that my children will swear to: I have done all that marriage councilors suggest to no avail. In fact my children say their memories of their youth are of being and doing things with me and little with their mother. My married daughter resents my wife and cannot believe that I haven't left or found another woman.

SO I ask: from a woman's perspective what should I do?


I really feel for you being in a dead end marriage. I also don't care for the righteous people who wave the "marriage vows" banner.
Marriage vows are not one sided and they apply equally to both partners and have more than one subtle meaning.
Based on what you wrote, your marriage is not resurrectable. You tried and walked into a brick wall. You have two options: continue sacrificing your wants, needs and happiness for your kids and mother who seem to have their own life and happiness or explain to your wife that you are not ready to continue the same way. Make sure that you do not use idle threats, if your last ditch attempt goes nowhere, you need to be prepared to get out. None of the options are easy.
 seatide
Joined: 5/31/2006
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Married ladies that fool around
Posted: 12/5/2007 3:30:10 PM
I think that the question you wanted an opinion on got lost in the process long ago.
Based on what I read, I don't think you are the "cheating" type and if you had intimacy in your marriage, you most likely would not be looking outside of your marriage.
I feel that it is not fair for a partner to be deprived of parts of a marriage, just because his/her partner doesn't think these parts are necessary for the stability of said marriage. Anyone who ignores the needs of his/her partner are undermining the marriage and hold equal responsibility for the demise of that marriage.
You are within your right to seek a solution. My suggestion would be to have an open conversation and tell her that you would be looking elsewhere. This of course could be a double edged sword and your marriage could go north or south. Your options are to settle for what you currently have or take a chance and bring the situation to head.
Cheating would be no option in my opinion, it'll take a toll on your conscience and it'll only complicate your life.
 
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