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 Author Thread: 'Younger' older women. Why?
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 157 (view)
 
'Younger' older women. Why?
Posted: 11/6/2012 1:23:42 PM
Others have already mentioned genes, avoiding long sun exposure, cosmetics (including moisturizers), and various medical/surgical assistance. All of these play into why "older" women remain youthful. But there are other factors I consider at least as important.

First, the particular lady's outlook on life. If she doesn't "feel old", she is less likely to act or dress "old". I'm not talking about hanging out with twentysomethings and adopting their fashions. A woman whose outlook is youthful knows she isn't a kid any longer, but that doesn't mean she can't still have fun doing some of the things she enjoyed when she was younger. And a woman with a youthful outlook is more likely to adopt classic styles in fashion, hair and everything else that reflect her outlook on life.

Second, the eye of the beholder -- or perhaps, the beholder behind the eye. This is a matter of outlook too; I'm 63 but I do not consider myself old in any way (except perhaps when I can get a senior discount). Women much younger than I am may be attractive physically but beyond the eye-candy factor they don't interest me, because I know we don't have nearly as much in common as I would have with a woman closer to my age. But if I don't think of myself as "old", I'm not going to think of a woman near my age as old either -- unless she gives me reason to think of her that way. In fact, the more I look at her the more likely I am to see traces of the young woman she was not too long ago; perhaps that image influences how I see her today, making her appear younger to me than she does to herself or other people.

Am I weird? Of course I am -- but perhaps not when it comes to noticing how youthful many "older" women are. Whatever you are doing, ladies, keep it up!
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 38 (view)
 
why bother
Posted: 10/29/2012 5:20:19 PM
It's a sad reality that a lot of people who are attracted to online dating sites aren't really interested in dating other people here, or quickly become disillusioned because of people THEY find here who aren't serious about dating. It's also true that dating sites attract a share of cheaters and/or players.

That said, there are still those of us who do use online dating sites for their intended purpose. We all have our share of baggage, but we don't have to carry it all the time. Finding a good potential date among all the other people here may be a challenge, but I believe it's worth it or I wouldn't be here.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Do people over sixty still think they can have a new life???
Posted: 10/21/2012 7:10:22 PM
A new life, just because you are older? Can't happen, unless you are in Witness Protection; your past is part of who you are today.

But you can change the course of your life at any age, making the future better ... or just different.

I was a wallflower most of my life, very shy and introverted. I made a conscious effort and made some changes that, in turn, helped me find the confidence to change the 'inner person'. My life at age 63 is much better than it was in my teens, 20s, 30s or 40s, and getting even better all the time. Wish I had been motivated to change things much sooner. (And no, I don't have a Magic Formula For Change -- it's basically a matter of just believing that you can change, and letting your confidence take it from there.)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Women that have experienced sexual abuse/assault
Posted: 10/5/2012 11:15:00 PM
OP, I suggest you mention your past situations (without going into detail) early, perhaps as soon as the second date. If his only interest in you is sexual and he had thoughts of rushing things, this is likely to be enough to cause him to either move on to someone else or (ideally) make a special effort to take things more slowly with you. If there are already signs that the man wants to be intimate with you, and if you feel the same way, be quick to reassure him that you aren't "afraid" or "turned off" by sexual overtures as long as he doesn't try to force himself on you. You will want to be the one who decides when the time is right, and he has to know this beforehand. Ask him for gentle foreplay, and then you can decide when to escalate things. Any halfway-decent man will understand the need to take things a bit more slowly and do things that your subconscious won't interpret as threatening.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 25 (view)
 
anti depressants
Posted: 10/2/2012 11:48:31 PM
OP, discuss the problem with your doctor. A different medication, or perhaps an additional medication, might alleviate or eliminate that particular side effect. Also, be patient; side effects are often temporary. Finally, remember that "practice makes perfect", so sex can get better over time even if you have to work to overcome the sexual side effects of your medication.

Consider me the voice of experience in this matter.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 39 (view)
 
A Man With No Wheels
Posted: 9/28/2012 7:29:37 PM
A car is not just about transportation. It also represents power, control, freedom to go places, and even a certain amount of responsibility. Most places, a man without a car is at a considerable disadvantage.

How and why you find yourself without a car also plays into this. But to the average woman (except maybe in places like New York City), a man who can't pick her up, drive her places and bring her back home is just not as impressive as one who does have a car. I'm sure you'll have wheels again as soon as you can arrange it; in the meantime, you might want to save your dating money to put toward that car, or double-date with a friend who's willing to drive all four of you, or find a woman who doesn't mind walking or taking buses.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Are relationships with some distance involved worth pursuing?
Posted: 9/28/2012 7:21:10 PM
In most cases, I say a two-hour distance is too much for a relationship to work.

There are exceptions, especially if either of you would consider moving closer to the other, or if there is a city midway between you that offers good date opportunities.

Years ago I briefly dated a wonderful woman who lived a little over two hours' driving time from me. The relationship was beginning to show a lot of promise when I foolishly decided she lived too far away and I broke things off. I still wonder sometimes what might have happened if I had found a way to move nearer and keep things going.

Later I met another exceptional woman who lived only 90 minutes away, and ended up marrying her. The marriage didn't last, but that didn't make her less exceptional.

These days I choose to limit my dating prospects to women living much nearer. If I meet someone and it doesn't work out, at least I'll know distance wasn't a factor. I still might consider dating someone who lives outside my "comfort zone" distance, but only because now I'm able to relocate if a serious relationship develops.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Without marriage
Posted: 9/24/2012 7:21:47 PM
I can understand why some seniors are reluctant to remarry.

Financial considerations are a part of it. Many widows stand to lose Social Security or pension money -- and I believe they earned that money as their late husbands' partners. The retirement years generally mean few if any opportunities to earn new money, and fixed incomes are often just a little better than starvation-level.

For both widow(er)s and those who have divorced, there is always the concern that this new relationship may not last.

And some people (I think I may be one) would rather have a long-term relationship with separate residences than commit to living together with or without marriage.

I'm sure there are other reasons which may or may not apply.

Having said that, I would rather be married than single; I'm just reluctant to take that particular step.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 102 (view)
 
Fetishes
Posted: 9/17/2012 2:31:59 AM

I find it.completely sexy when a woman smokes.. Even certain brands! But they got.to know how to.really smoke!


Question: Do you smoke after sex?

Possible answers:
Yes
No
Never looked to see
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 149 (view)
 
Men over 55 ??
Posted: 9/16/2012 8:20:50 PM
halcyon_skies wrote:

Here's a hint for men: If you want to pass for younger than 50, lose the moustache. Almost without fail, every man who sports a moustache is over 50-years-old---often he's over 55.

A lone moustache instantly "dates" a man, and is a dead giveaway of his true age---regardless of how fit he is, how much hair he has left on his head, or the condition of his teeth. He's fooling no one but himself.


You may be right most of the time when it comes to men over 45, but how about younger men? I have had a moustache since my early twenties. Back then I wanted to look older, later I decided I just liked the way it looked. (No, it didn't really make me look older because so many other young guys were doing the exact same thing.)

I grew my first beard in my thirties, regrew (and kept) it a few years later. I liked the look back then, but even more I liked the time it save me in the morning. (I was working a very-early-morning shift in those days, and I am not by nature an early riser.)

Do I look my age? Certainly. Would I look younger if I were clean-shaven? Perhaps. More likely, I'd just look like a clean-shaven 63yo instead of one with a beard and moustache. And after all these years, I'm not sure my friends would recognize me without the facial foliage. I'm comfortable with the way I look, and to be honest I prefer my face bearded.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Soulmates... Finder's keepers, or build it yourself kit?
Posted: 9/16/2012 7:51:18 PM
Have you ever known a perfectly compatible couple? I haven't, although I can think of several who came close. A few minor "rough edges" can enrich a relationship if both parties are willing to seriously consider the other person's point of view, habits, opinions, likes and dislikes.

Besides, all people are works in progress from birth to death. We grow mentally and emotionally by trying new things, and often we try those new things because someone else encourages us to do so, or because we want to share another person's interests. As long as two people agree on the things that are most important to them -- and only they can recognize what these things are, in their own lives and each others' -- they can work around most smaller matters.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Ever Heard of a smoking fetish?
Posted: 9/15/2012 10:37:42 PM
Smoking itself isn't sexy. PEOPLE are (or aren't) sexy depending on how other people perceive them.

In their prime, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall were two of the sexiest people in show business -- both smoked in their movies, but I am certain they would have been considered just as sexy if they did not. The smoking certainly did not make them sexy, but perhaps they made smoking look sexy.

These days, smoking is "not cool", which automatically means it not only is not sexy, but to most people it detracts from whatever sexiness the smoker already has. That's okay with me. Even though I am a smoker (cigars, not cigarettes) I know many non-smokers find it unpleasant, and with good reason.

Fortunately for me, women who smoke are not usually offended by my smoking; they're used to the odor and ashes. And of course I don't usually smoke around non-smokers of either sex. I pity the two-pack-a-day cigarette smokers who have a hard time going through an entire date without lighting up; at least I have "weaned" myself to the point that I can go for several hours without a cigar when I have sufficient reason to keep my clothes (and breath) from smelling like an ash tray. Maybe someday I can quit completely -- with the help of the right woman.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Can you really look for love?
Posted: 9/15/2012 5:58:50 PM
I think if you are seriously looking for love you will be disappointed, because finding love is never guaranteed. But what you can do here, and in the real world, is look for people with whom you MIGHT fall in love. Put another way, dating is a way of greatly improving your odds of finding love. The people who use POF are looking for someone to provide something their lives lack; for many (most?) of us that something is love, whether we admit it or not.

But nearly all men between puberty and total incapacity are motivated by sex too. For some of us, sex is also a powerful bonding experience, a sharing of intimacy; in other words, it isn't "just sex". It all depends on the two people involved and what they are looking for at that particular time. For some men sex isn't everything, but sometimes it can be a big factor in falling in love -- or falling deeper in love.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 293 (view)
 
Do men really like submissive women?
Posted: 8/28/2012 8:20:01 PM
My fantasy is a woman who is normally very take-charge in other aspects of her life and thinks she is far from submissive sexually ... until she meets me. When that happens (it has, a couple of times), it's really nice for both of us.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 37 (view)
 
ignoring texting game
Posted: 8/7/2012 3:35:48 PM
@lovemycat12404, some men (I'm one) don't really care for texting, but we will do it if our ladies seem to prefer that sort of communication. Your statement, "We text sometimes throughout the day, but at least once!" suggests you are comfortable with texting and perhaps even prefer it; maybe he does too, maybe not. All men are different, but I prefer either telephone (voice) calls or e-mails. Just something for you to think about.

It is also possible that he "dropped off the face of the earth" because the friend he visited is another woman; not saying that's what happened in this case, but it does sometimes.

The only advice I can offer is to try calling him at a time when you know he isn't working or otherwise too busy to talk. And in the words of Ronald Reagan, "trust, but verify." If there are signs that he is also seeing someone else, be ready to walk away.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 219 (view)
 
Plain Janes Better Than The Pretty Ones?
Posted: 8/2/2012 9:03:13 PM
"Pretty" is a subjective judgment. A woman you might find drop-dead gorgeous, I might consider only moderately attractive, and vice-versa. Personally, I think almost every woman is at least potentially attractive, just not all in the same way. A great smile can do wonders for an otherwise "average" face, and a good personality is worth more to me than a perfect figure.

I see attractive women everywhere I go. Some are too young to interest me, others are married or otherwise involved; but POF helps me find attractive women who are single and available, which is why I'm here.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Is it normal to come to POF?
Posted: 8/2/2012 8:50:12 PM
When people on POF give their objective as "friends", I think it usually means they want to meet people and become friends before they commit to anything more including dating. A few people might come here just looking for new friends or pen-pals; but most people, no matter what their profiles say, come here to meet potential dates.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
 
good things come to those who wait??
Posted: 8/2/2012 8:44:57 PM
Waiting, without taking action, will get you nowhere. While patience is a virtue, successful dating requires both patience and work to contact and meet people.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 16 (view)
 
just wondering what is ok and what is not.
Posted: 8/2/2012 8:41:41 PM
Yes, POF is addictive.
But more importantly: one date, no matter how good it was, was still just a "first date". It might become the beginning of a relationship, but that remains to be seen. Man people, probably including most who have been on POF very long, don't put all their eggs in one basket because they know that a good first date doesn't always result in a second date, and a second date doesn't necessarily mean a third one.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I don't think I'm ready for this type of commitment...
Posted: 7/27/2012 8:10:00 AM
OP, after reading your post I wholeheartedly say don't get a puppy!

If he wants the puppy, can afford it, can give it the time and attention it needs and lives in a place where pets are allowed, HE should get the puppy for himself. You don't want it, he does. You don't need it, certainly don't need the cost involved (not just purchase, but feeding, veterinary care and more), and possibly don't have time to take care of it even part-time. And there is always a possibility that he will tire of the puppy, especially after it becomes an adult dog, and then you will be stuck with it. (Except that, if the two of you break up after getting the puppy, he may insist that it is HIS dog regardless of who bought, kept and cared for it.)

If he gets upset because you don't want the puppy, tough for him. If it isn't willing to drop the idea immediately when you say no, consider dumping him too; any man who pressures you to do something you don't want and can't afford to do isn't worth your time.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 79 (view)
 
From a guy's perspective..define Looking to date but nothing serious status.
Posted: 7/26/2012 1:42:12 AM
OP, "looking to date but not serious" can mean several different things to a man, depending on the particular man and his background.

For some men it's code meaning, "I want to comparison-shop a lot of women, bed as many as possible, and keep going until I tire of the game." For others, the only change from that is the hope of eventually finding a woman they'll someday want to settle down with -- but "someday" is not today.

There are men who truthfully don't know what they want, so they're unwilling to even suggest the possibility of commitment. They're keeping their options open, and keeping their expectations for a serious relationship low.

Then there are men like me. I'm older, I've been married and I'd like to be in a serious, committed relationship with the right woman. But my first marriage didn't last, and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. So I'm more cautious, I'm trying to learn from my own mistakes, and I'm hoping to find a woman with whom I can make a relationship work before I take that next big step.

"Friends with benefits" can sometimes be a stage on the way to something more serious. Whether he will become serious about YOU, though ....
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 42 (view)
 
All these younger men...
Posted: 7/25/2012 6:57:48 AM
houston_smart_lady, I took a look at your profile, both pictures and text. You are very attractive, look youthful, and your range of interests indicates you "think young" too -- in other words, younger men may feel they can identify with you. As for why they outnumber men your age and older, I can't explain.

Right now, "cougars" are popular with a lot of younger men. Some probably see you as more experienced sexually and possibly easily flattered into going to bed with someone younger. They know it's less likely that you will become pregnant, and probably assume that not only are you in better financial condition than younger women but probably won't want a serious long-term relationship with a younger man. Put all this together, and you are a very desirable woman for a fun short-term relationship. Sounds like a perfect cougar to me, assuming you WANT to be a cougar.

If it really bothers you, you can always set your mail preferences to exclude initial contacts from men below a certain age. But then you may never know just how sexually attractive younger men find you; you'll have to rely on on us Olde Phartes to properly boost your ego. :)

Edited to add: Young guys also sometimes find "older" women more desirable because of that indefinable something called "class". Very understandable, considering how un-classy many young women are.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
 
DIabetes and dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 7:45:58 PM

I have a friend (gay if that matters) who WAS a diabetic.

He turned to exercise and healthy eating. He enjoyed running and roll-skating, also swimming. By choice, he turned to a vegan diet, where he would have cakes only on marked ocassions and very little alcohol.

He got to the point where he lost a lot of weight, and was able to keep his sugar levels under 100. That allowed him to be able to get rid of the medication, albeit sticking to the diet and exercise.


@pitufina_77, please give your friend my congratulations on such good control of his diabetes. His example shows what serious attention and determined diabetes management can do.

But as you undoubtedly know, your friend is still (at least technically) a Type 2 diabetic, even though his blood glucocse level is well controlled without oral medication. The big difference for him is, he is able to manage his diabetes with diet and exercise alone. Many of us could do the same if we had the same discipline; unfortunately, most of us, myself included, don't.

One thing I'm taking away from your post is the way your friend finds physical activity that's fun. Exercise just for the sake of exercise is boring, which is why we don't enjoy it. Disguise it as something you like to do, and it's easy to work into a healthy daily life.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
DIabetes and dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 1:05:19 AM
Type 2 diabetes management is a three-legged stool. The legs are diet, exercise and medication; for real stability you need all three. But unlike a stool, some people are able to reduce or eliminate the medication "leg" by putting enough effort into a healthy diet and sufficient physical activity.

The factor that is the biggest problem in dating is food, but it isn't that hard to cope with dietary restrictions -- because the major restriction isn't what you can eat but how much of certain things you can have. Fast food places are always a problem, but with a little education and experience you can learn which menu items are best; you can also just decide that you won't eat the complete serving, especially with high-carbohydrate foods. Buffets are like a two-edged sword: all those tempting choices (not to mention "all you can eat"), but usually you can find plenty of lower-carbohydrate items. With full-service restaurants or when eating at home, check the carbohydrate count if it's given or just look for the healthier items and/or smaller portions.

If necessary, take along your medication so you can take a dose at your regular time. (With some oral medications, it's advisable to take them about 30 minutes before eating; you can always carry bottled water in your car and take them before meeting your date.)

Suggest dating activities that actually involve some physical activity. And it isn't all that difficult, because it all adds up. Just walking from the car to the cineplex to see a popular movie counts -- and if the place is busy, you'll probably have to park more than a few steps from the ticket window anyway. (The Dark Knight Rises, or any other movie showing at the same multi-screen theater, should mean a packed parking lot so you're almost certain to have to park some distance away.)

Alcohol is a problem. First, it's high in calories. Second, it can interact with some diabetes medications to cause a dramatic drop in blood glucose, and hypoglycemia can be dangerous. If you're on metformin, never drink too soon after taking a dose, don't drink too much, and don't even think about driving after drinking.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Girlfriend's wild past eating me alive, HELP!
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:24:02 AM
OP, your girlfriend is promiscuous and has unprotected sex at least once since you have been with her. She has lied to you in the past, now she admits she has sex with other guys -- and there may be other men (women too) since you've known her that she hasn't admitted to.

You may love her, but she is not and won't be faithful to you. Whether she actually loves you is questionable; perhaps you're just the guy she is with when she isn't with someone else.

I think you knew what you need to do before you posted here. Whether you will actually do it, I don't know. But I can tell you that if I were in your place I'd stop seeing her immediately, refuse any requests she might make to see you, and wait long enough before seeing anyone else for a follow-up test for STDs (more than just the basics, please) has a good opportunity to detect anything that may still be in your system.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 79 (view)
 
silly fantacies
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:57:14 PM
Long ago, MsMicki wrote :

<div class="quote">mine is that people learn how to spell fantasy, masterbate,cunnilingus, vagina, fellatio and frenulum correctly!!
I went back through this thread and noticed the "masterbate" discussion. Maybe this is actually a BDSM term and your phone has a secret life! :)

Sorry, couldn't resist.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 129 (view)
 
50 Shades of Grey
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:16:16 PM
77Ryan, I will agree that the sex scenes seem to go a little quickly, but I'll assume this is part of the writer's style -- I don't think the book is intended to be overly pornographic. As for "an actual story", I can't really have much of an opinion because I'm only partway through the book; but so far it has enough of a storyline to keep me reading to see what will happen to Ana next. I do find myself caring about Ana's well-being, and trying to figure out Christian's motivations, so I suppose for me the story is at least passable. And I understand the author is an Englishwoman who started this as fan-fiction inspired by the Twilight" series, so she probably wasn't trained or every experienced in writing fiction; it's not too bad for a first published work.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 128 (view)
 
50 Shades of Grey
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:07:28 PM
petygrace80, thanks for the well thought-out and enlightening response to my questions.

If I understand correctly, what's happening between Christian and Anastasia is just a game and both of them know it, although Ana is obviously new to it and very confused about just how much of a "game" it is. He has control over her only because she allows it, and she can stop a particular activity (or all participation) at any time if it goes beyond what she is willing to allow. Okay, that makes sense, I suppose.

I have a harder time with the idea that pain can actually be part of, or add to, pleasure. I could see an implied threat of pain or coercion as part of the game activities; but actually inflicting or willingly accepting pain, especially during an otherwise pleasurable act, still doesn't "compute" with me.

The "contract" I understand, or at least I think I do. It is not a legally enforceable document, obviously, but is only binding to the degree that the two parties trust each other. It does spell out what is and what isn't allowed, especially the "hard limits". I was surprised to find that the contract between Christian and Ana includes a time limit -- that never would have occurred to me.

Having read a little about "dungeons", I don't think anything I've read so far about the Red Room Of Pain surprised me -- except maybe the leather-covered mattress. I'll assume it's both comfortable and practical, since bodily fluids wouldn't soak through the leather cover. Personally, I think I'd prefer rope (soft fibers, of course) over chain, but that's just me.

Would it be hot to play out some of what I've read in the book so far? Oh, yeah! I recognize that I like to be the one who "takes charge" in the bedroom, but I grew up in a time when men (and boys) were led to believe that women could enjoy sex but didn't really want it anywhere near as much as men did. I have learned since then that some women crave sex as much as the average man, or even more in a few cases. (I consider myself "above average" in that regard, but how would I really know?) I could probably indulge in some very tame roleplay -- I have, in fact -- but don't know if I could ever move beyond using simple restraints that the lady could get out of easily enough with a little time; I would not want her to think I take the roleplay so seriously that she can't walk away of her own volition, safeword or no safeword. (Can restraint have the same effect when it's more symbolic than real?)

I have to admit the whole thing is a bit titillating, but also confusing. If I were a dominant obviously I would not feel threatened, but I can't quite get my head around the idea that a woman would be so submissive that she wouldn't feel threatened -- and indeed, Anastasia does seem to feel threatened by some of what I have read so far, although she also seems to enjoy it too.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 118 (view)
 
50 Shades of Grey
Posted: 7/16/2012 8:23:16 PM
Having read the various responses so far in this thread, it seems to me the majority of women who can get past the, shall we say, mediocre writing like the book. Those who have actually experienced BDSM seem to think it's rather tame; others ("vanillas"?) seem interested and perhaps stimulated or curious about this sort of thing. I have bought the e-book and am reading it now, so I can see for myself what all the fuss is about.

Questions for the ladies who have read the book, especially those in the 50-and-over range:

What did you enjoy or identify with in "50 Shades Of Grey"? The sexual descriptions? The bondage/domination aspect? The girl's feelings for the guy? His feelings (or lack thereof) for her? The secrecy of the relationship? Something else?

What insights would you want a man to take away after reading the book? I can imagine that some women would find this sort of thing exciting, but can't imagine many would actually any of the kinkier actions described. They might fantasize about parts of it, how many would actually want to try anything "kinky" from the book even in play with a partner they trust and feel safe with? Or is that the point: they don't want to feel safe?

Can pain (I've just read about the spanking) really be pleasurable in some way?

How far would you be willing to go with the action described in the book? (I can't imagine most would go very far, except those already into BDSM.)

Or is this sort of thing "hot" only when the man is rich, powerful, extremely handsome and enigmatic? (He's never been known to be involved with any woman before this -- and he's famous, so any woman he's seen with publicly would be noticed. Even his mother apparently isn't sure of his sexual orientation.)

Should I even bother reading the rest of the book, or just move on?
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 134 (view)
 
long nails....turn on?
Posted: 7/16/2012 7:39:48 PM
Just my opinion, but medium to medium-long nails on a lady are hot; they make her fingers look longer, enhance the overall shape of the hands, make them look more feminine. Too long, they look ridiculous and awkward. Really short, they make me think "man hands". But I don't understand how women can use a keyboard or touchscreen with them. (My ex-wife uses a stylus with her Kindle Fire. I do too sometimes, but that's because my fingertips are somewhat big and blunt.)

I prefer natural nails if the lady can grow them , with clear, pink or red polish. Odd colors and designs -- no, thank you.

As for my own nails, ladies, I keep them short and clean. I carry nail clippers constantly.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 51 (view)
 
How important is a Good Photo..??
Posted: 6/25/2012 10:53:52 PM
I pay the most attention to photos that are sharply focused, well lit and obviously not professional "glamor shots". That doesn't rule out all portraits, since a lot of ladies use professionally taken family portraits or pictures that were taken for work or a church directory, and those are (usually) fairly honest representations of how they actually look.

I always look for a smile, and maybe a hint of a good sense of humor. The "head shot" is essential; candid snapshots and vacation photos are also good. Please don't include group photos with your friends; your BFF might look better than you do, and that can actually work against you. I'm not interested in photos that don't include the lady -- pics of the children, grandchildren and pets without the lady herself aren't such good "advertising". A variety of settings is good, as long as the pictures are fairly recent and show you as you look today. If an image is so small I can't tell that it's you, it's not a good choice no matter where you are or what you're doing.

I prefer to see a woman dressed flatteringly, which usually doesn't mean showing a lot of skin. One shot in a swimsuit is adequate, unless you spend nearly all your time on or near the water. I'd rather see how you look when you're dressed for typical activities we might enjoy together.

A few women seem to like using head shots and then cropping them so tightly that parts of their faces are outside the shot -- bad idea, it makes me wonder what you're hiding. Others include obviously older pictures, including their baby pictures or shots taken from a high school yearbook. (The latter might be marginally acceptable if you're still under 20, but beyond that they're just history -- and you might even be competing against the younger version of yourself by showing how much you've changed.) And some plumper or older women who have their chins in their hands are obviously trying to hide something -- come on, ladies, if your face is pretty a little jowl or saggy chin isn't a deal-breaker for many of us guys, especially if we're older or carrrying some extra pounds too.

The more "honest" profile pictures are, the better I like them. The worst thing anyone can do is post a bunch of pics that don't show your real, current, everyday appearance, then meet someone expecting you to look like your pictures.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 55 (view)
 
A lesson from Hot In Cleveland
Posted: 5/23/2012 11:26:39 AM
Thanks to all of you who responded to my original post, and especially to the ladies who spoke out about their age-defying "hotness". I agree (and this was my point), women over 45, 55, even 65 and older are often just as hot as they *feel* they are. Maturity, personality and attitude can trump a face-lift -- and the effects usually last much longer.

That's the lesson from "Hot In Cleveland". Yes, those three over-45 women were quite attractive back in Los Angeles, but they didn't realize it because of the cultural youth-bias there. They didn't get more attractive when they landed in Cleveland, but the "real world" men there appreciated them for who and what they are -- mature women rather than perpetually young "twinkies" -- and the women responded to that by feeling "hot" again.

The fact is, women over 45 often look much more youthful today than their parent's generation did at the same age. Part of it may just be my mind-set, but I also believe men and women are physically "staying young" longer on average. I have seen women 50 and older compete and win against very pretty women half their age in Mrs. America preliminaries. There are women in this very forum who look remarkably youthful, to the point that I check their profiles to see just how old they are. And there is the "cougar" phenomenon; their young "cubs" may be looking for sexual experience with older women, but they still want HOT older women -- and they're finding them! Some older (and younger) men may not realize how hot you ladies are, but far more of us do.

Ladies, thank you for being your beautiful, fascinating selves.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 58 (view)
 
car sex
Posted: 5/22/2012 5:52:27 PM
LathaMath wrote:

I feel sorry for people these days with tiny cars and front bucket seats. We used to have 'way bigger cars with front bench seats. You could drive with your girfriend sitting beside you with her head on your shoulder and your arm around her. There was plenty of room for sex in those old cars. And there was plenty of sex in those old cars because of it.

What he said!

Full-size sedans from the 1960s and before were big and roomy. Most had column-mounted shifters and well-upholstered bench seats. The car radio was usually AM-only, but that's where the good stations were and the radios had a mellow sound. Keep a couple of Trojans in the glove compartment just in case, and a date at the drive-in theater could be a lot of fun!

When bucket seats and floor-mounted shift levers became common, I bought a station wagon, kept a blanket in the back. It took just a few seconds to put down the back seat and spread out the blanket -- but drive-ins were getting scarce, so I had to scout for good parking spots ahead of time. (Do you suppose bucket seats led directly to the closing of many drive-ins?)

These days I have an SUV (the modern station wagon), but haven't used it for "car sex" because drive-ins are nearly extinct and secluded parking places that aren't already occupied are getting hard to find. Fortunately I have both a queen-sized bed at home and a motel-chain rewards card in my wallet.

I suppose if you really want to re-live "the good old days" a big-screen TV, a good DVD and a big comfy couch would make a fair substitute. Fogging up the windows might take a lot more work, though. :)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
What are your retirement plans?
Posted: 5/22/2012 4:54:35 PM
Since I am already retired, I'd sum up my plan as "enjoy it as long as I live, and live forever -- or die trying." :)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 34 (view)
 
A lesson from Hot In Cleveland
Posted: 5/18/2012 3:22:53 AM
Giggles10000 wrote:

I think you are correct that when a man treats a woman like she is, as you say HOT, then she begins to view herself in that fashion and the results is that positive attitude of herself actually makes her feel better about herself.

YES!

Unfortunately as you have by now read there is a large majority of women who have no desire to be viewed as HOT.

Is it that they don't want to be seen as hot, or that they simply don't realize how important attitude is to "hotness"? Perhaps they see those first few gray hairs and wrinkles, they can't get rid of those last few pounds of "baby weight", they count their birthdays and think their days of being desirable are over, so they stop trying to be "hot". And they don't have to.

Beauty comes in all sizes, shapes, forms and can include intelligence as a backbone. What one person might be attracted to another might not--the real secret is knowing what you like, what you find HOT and directing your time and attention in that.

This is a good description of the lesson I took away from Hot In Cleveland, the one I wanted to share in the forum. A woman doesn't have to look like an 18-year-old beauty queen, a twentysomething centerfold, or a local TV anchor to still be attractive to a lot of men. In fact, those men who limit their interests to much younger, ultra-beautiful women (I think of them as "professional beauties" because it seems to be all that matters to them) are shallow -- and they're missing out on a lot of other women who are just as attractive, but in a different way.

I've been to Los Angeles, and I know that many men there have bought into the youth-and-beauty female stereotype; a lot of men in other parts of the country have too. And I'll admit that, all else being equal, the prettier of two women is the one to whom I'll be most attracted. But most of the time, all else ISN'T equal, and what's inside a woman's head -- intelligence, life experiences, personality, attitude -- often makes her more attractive to me than her more-classically-beautiful-but-boring sister. (A warm, genuine smile does wonders for a woman's appearance too.)

If you weren't so much younger, and 'way over at the other end of our state ....
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 33 (view)
 
A lesson from Hot In Cleveland
Posted: 5/18/2012 2:50:37 AM
bswstudent wrote:

Thank you "Smokingcigars" I completely appreciate what you are saying. When we're all thrown in a pool with our dating counterparts/older and younger, those of us who are over 45 are competing with the 20 and 30-somethings out there. I saw a profile today of a 53 year old man who was looking for a woman aged 21-50. I think it shows his lack of experience in dating in the real world. There are SO many beautiful women out there who are in their 50's and above, and folks like that other gentleman are completely missing out on the beauty, intelligence, and banter he would appreciate and sincerely enjoy. I'm confident that men like that are going to find them selves feeling older than their years, and bored out of their minds. Thanks again.

And thank you, bswstudent, for understanding exactly what I was saying. I read the forum posts frequently, and it's obvious that many men over 45 are looking for younger women, sometimes ignoring or blocking (via their mail settings) women who may be over 45 but still look pretty hot to me. I'll never understand it. When I was younger, I didn't pay much attention to a woman's age; if I liked her, that was all that mattered to me. Now that I'm older, I would feel silly chasing after someone much younger than I am. (No offense, but you fall into my "too young" category by a few years.)

What has changed about me? Mainly, I want a woman with whom I have common life experiences as well as common interests. A woman who is within a few years of my age is likely to have lived through the same events that shaped my life. She remembers the Cuban missile crisis and the JFK assassination, Beatlemania, the Mickey Mouse Club, telephones with actual dials, tail fins on cars, soda fountains, drive-in movies and so much more. She is someone I can talk to without feeling like some sort of historic relic. At the same time, many (most?) women over 45 look a lot younger and "hotter" than women of their parents' generation did at the same age -- and I don't think that's just because I'm older too, I honestly think "older women" today remain youthful longer than ever before.

The actresses on Hot In Cleveland may have, and need, all the benefits of cosmetic surgery, expert makeup artists and whatever else they do to maximize their beauty, but we expect show-biz people to look good; often, their looks are the reason they're in front of the cameras in the first place. The thing that amazes me is how many "real life" women in their 50s, 60s and beyond look just as good, sometimes so good I gave up trying to estimate a woman's age long ago.

Is the same thing true for men -- do they "stay young" longer too? Don't know, don't care, I'm not interested in other men. All I know is that while I may have a bit less hair and a few more aches, deep inside I don't FEEL old at 62.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 67 (view)
 
getting tied up is it a turn on??GUYS?
Posted: 5/16/2012 11:23:19 AM
Some "adult" stores and sites carry "Japanese silk rope love cuffs". The silk rope is very soft, as you can imagine; there are no locks, not even actual knots, so they aren't terribly intimidating. In an emergency, the bound person can release himself/herself easily. But they serve as good "beginner's restraints" for those who want to experiment with this sort of thing.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 1 (view)
 
A lesson from "Hot In Cleveland"
Posted: 5/16/2012 11:04:36 AM
This post could almost be titled "In praise of older women".

I probably spend too much time watching television, but one program I genuinely enjoy is TV Land's sitcom "Hot In Cleveland". The acting is good, the dialog is witty, the guest stars are "old friends" I enjoy seeing. But for men, it's more than just entertainment; it's an important lesson.

For those few who haven't seen it, "Hot In Cleveland" is based on the premise that mature women can still be attractive and sexy when considered on their own merits instead of being constantly compared to much younger women. Friends Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli), Joy (Lane Leeves) and Victoria (Wendy Malick) may have been considered over-the-hill in youth-osessed Los Angeles, but in the real world (Cleveland) men still see them as "hot"; so they start believing they are hot, which only makes them hotter. But they aren't the only "older women" who enjoy the attention of men -- so does their housekeeper, Elka (Betty White), once she begins associating with them

I have long said that getting older does not have to mean "getting old", and that women over 45 can still be attractive and sexy. "Hot In Cleveland" drives home the point very effectively. Ladies and gentlemen, Valerie Bertinelli and Jane Leeves are in their 50s; Wendy Malick (and her character's nemesis, Susan Lucci) are in their 60s; and the amazing Betty White is 90!

There may be another lesson to be learned from the ladies' neighbor Rick (Wayne Knight) during the second season of the show; but I could have taught that lesson myself. :)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is lots of talking pre-first date a good idea or bad idea?
Posted: 5/7/2012 2:18:41 PM
For me, getting to know a woman (not just the profile) and giving her a chance to know me is important. How much e-mail/talk that takes is going to vary from person to person, but I generally prefer to carry on a "conversation" over a period of a few days before I decide on meeting someone.

At the same time, "talking" too much or for too long a period might suggest that you (or the other person) only want to talk rather than meet. The feeling of friendship could be stronger than the desire to actually meet and perhaps go on a date -- not a good thing if one of you is looking for romance rather than just a friend.

How much is too much? That probably depends more on the direction your online conversation takes than the length of the e-mail exchange or phone call(s). Moving from messages to telephone (voice) calls moves things along faster and allows more opportunity to know each other; you can "connect" faster. If the conversation is largely about family, work or outside demands on your time, that sounds more like you're headed for the "friend zone" than if the two of you discuss things you have in common or are passionate about doing. I prefer to steer a conversation toward possible dating ideas and locations as early as possible, once I decide we have mutual romantic potential.

How long is too long? That depends on your personal schedules, to a degree. If you begin communicating on a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, asking to meet as early as Thursday of the same week is feasible without "moving too fast" for most people; it's possible to decide on a date as early as that weekend. If you begin communicating later in the week, asking for a weekend date might be moving too soon. But not everyone dates only on weekends, and a first date earlier in the week could signal less "romance pressure" which in turn could make it easier to get a second, more romantic date. Of course, the greater the mutual attraction, the sooner you will both want to meet/date; I prefer to leave the possibility open for going directly from an initial meeting to a casual first date, but with no advance commitment on either side to go beyond the originally planned meeting.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Women in their 30s sexual peak vs Women in their 20s question
Posted: 5/5/2012 4:59:33 PM
As a man in his 60s, I am not so certain a woman hits her sexual peak in her 30s. Every woman is different, but I think the average may actually be somewhat later.

Consider: A woman in her 30s still has concerns about unwanted pregnancy, in addition to all the other possible outcomes from any sexual encounter. Once a woman passes menopause, she is free from both pregnancy concerns and her "monthly curse", yet she may still feel and look very youthful and interested in sex. Her body may not be as firm, taut and ready to make babies as it was earlier, but her mind (the most powerful sex organ!) is more able to focus on the enjoyment of sex itself. This could result in a greater willingness to have sex, or to experiment with "kinky" behavior. If she also has gone a long period without sex (possibly because she thinks she is no longer as desirable as before), a little encouragement of the right sort might revive all her "peak" interest in sex, and more besides. As a bonus, she is likely to be more experienced sexually than she was five, ten or twenty years earlier.

In my eyes, a woman's "sexual peak" comes when she knows what she wants both sexually and in a relationship, and isns't distracted by thinking about what "she should be doing" at a particular age -- whether that is being married, having children, advancing in her career, adhering to a particular "look", or anything else. Physical condition enters into this, and of course that is influenced to some degree by her age; but it is only one factor, and not necessarily the most important one.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Women On Pof And Asking For Their Phone Number #'s
Posted: 5/5/2012 4:41:47 PM
A few random thoughts of my own by way of response to the OP.

The length of time an online conversation lasts sometimes matters as much as, or even more than, the number and length of messages during that period. Both men and women think about their conversations after they end, and this figures into how the other person feels about you. As long as they want to continue conversing, the online relationship is progressing; be patient and see if it gets to the phone-call stage after a little more time.

Women hear stories about men they "meet" online who are not who or what they claim to be; some have even run across men like this. It is natural for them to be cautious when it comes to revealing too much personal information about themselves to someone who is essentially still a stranger, even if you have "talked" online a few times.

I never ask for a lady's phone number first. Instead, after a few e-mails, IM sessions or Skype-type chats, if I want to talk more I offer my own number and invite her to call me if and when she chooses to. This way she has the option of calling if she feels comfortable doing so, and of blocking her Caller ID information before she calls if she so chooses. (If she feels comfortable and wants to meet me, she will un-block her number.)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 28 (view)
 
On an initial meetup......should the guy..?
Posted: 5/1/2012 7:52:42 PM
I think calling or messaging before a scheduled first meeting is both reassuring and courteous. How far in advance you should make this "confirming" contact depends on both people's schedules and how you have communicated; if you have her number, calling (or at least texting) a couple of hours before the meeting time is good, while an e-mail message should probably be sent the day/evening before, at a time when she is still likely to be awake and online.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 31 (view)
 
What does i need space actually mean
Posted: 5/1/2012 7:44:45 PM
When a man says he "needs space" it usually means you are intruding into some sort of emotional safety zone. Perhaps you seem to be getting more emotionally involved than he wants, or just getting there faster than he is comfortable with. It could mean you seem to be wanting something he can't give you, or doesn't want to give -- perhaps now, possibly ever. With most men the "intrusion" involves emotional involvement and commitment, but with a few (probably very few) it could be that the physical side of the relationship is moving too quickly.

And it isn't unheard of for a man to use the "needs space" line in order to break off a relationship because he has lost interest in his current lady and wants to end the relationship without hurting her more than necessary -- or even to give him an opportunity to pursue a different woman without "stringing you along". (This sort of guy is at least somewhat ethical; a full-blown jerk would go after both of you at the same time!)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Do men over 50 really want the same?
Posted: 5/1/2012 7:36:23 PM
At any stage in life, some men prefer women near their own age, while others do not. Personally, I like to be with women who are reasonably close to my own age, because we have life experiences in common; but I also want a woman who thinks, feels and acts youthful -- not trying to be younger than she actually is, but with the attitude that getting older does not have to mean getting OLD. A woman around my age (I'm 62) or even older who still harbors an "inner teenager from the 60s" is ideal for me; but if forced to choose between a woman near my age who has "gotten old" inside and a woman a few years younger who thinks, feels and acts "young". I will choose the younger woman every time.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Should I get my own apartment?
Posted: 5/1/2012 7:17:00 PM
Forget for a moment the dating aspects of the issue. As long as you live with anyone else (not just your parents) your residence is not really *your home*. This means you can't enjoy the privacy, freedom to come and go, or other opportunities that come with having a place that is yours and yours alone. Put another way, your personality is influenced and partly shaped by the people you live with -- in this case, your parents. Aren't there times and situations where you desire total privacy, knowing that your parents don't know who or what you have in your home, what you do there, when you come and go, etc.?

Now consider the dating aspects. If you bring a date home, both you and she will feel much more free to be yourselves without anyone else (especially family members) nearby and perhaps knocking on your door at any moment. "Living with your parents" is going to send the wrong signal to some women, especially at your age. But more than that, she is going to be self-conscious. Will they see when she leaves? What will they think about her? (They aren't her parents, but they are parents nonetheless.) How can she fully enjoy being with you when she is inhibited -- and she will be -- by the ever-present thought that "they know what we're doing.

A separate entrance, or even a separate building on the same property, won't allow either of you to be as free, open and uninhibited as you can be in a place that is truly private and independent of everyone else. Yes, you should get your own apartment, then furnish and decorate it to reflect your particular personality and taste. If your business ventures are really doing well and you spend more than two or three days at a time in Florida, you might even consider a second apartment there; a place you can call "home away from home" will be more comfortable for you than a hotel room. And if you meet the right lady, I'm sure she will appreciate joining you there for an occasional vacation. (Unless you have a second girlfriend there, in which case bringing Girlfriend No. 1 to Florida with you might not be such a good idea.)
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 39 (view)
 
read this guys.. tell me what is happening
Posted: 5/1/2012 6:56:02 PM
It's the "cake syndrome". There is only one way this man can have his cake and eat it too -- he gets two cakes! She's the one he has; you know where that leaves you. Unless you leave him, permanently, which is what I strongly urge you to do.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Staying on POF when in a relationship
Posted: 3/25/2012 10:39:09 PM
OP, a month isn't all that long to be dating someone. Yes, you are in a relationship of some sort, but it may not be a committed, exclusive relationship yet.

As has been pointed out, if you and he have exchanged messages on POF you may still be able to see his profile even if it is hidden. The only way to tell for certain is to log in under a different username ... or have a friend who's also on POF do it for you.

Even if he has hidden his profile from the general public, he may still be here for the forums and some e-mail from friends he has made here. I have gotten to be casual friends with some women here that I know I will never meet because of the distance -- some are in other states, a few are in countries halfway around the world. (And I "met" most of them through the forums, usually when they commented on something I wrote.) They may be just pen-pals, and I could just as easily give them my regular e-mail address, but POF's e-mail is handy for this sort of thing.

And of course it is possible that he isn't actually using POF any longer, and just failed to hide or delete his account ... unless you know for certain he is logging in every day.

Having said all that, I think you are right to be suspicious about his continuing to talk to other women he met here (or on some other dating site). I'm not saying he's definitely showing any sort of romantic/sexual interest in them, but that is usually a fair assumption until proven otherwise.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Are paid online dating sites any different?
Posted: 3/25/2012 10:25:46 PM
SOME paid online dating sites are different, but the difference is in their focus. eHarmony is primarily a matchmaking site, not an ordinary dating site; it does things very differently, but it is intended for people who definitely want to find "the one" and get married. Chemistry.com (Match.com's "upscale" sibling) uses questionnaires similar to eHarmony to narrow its focus in finding people who are more likely to be good matches for one another. Some sites cater to special-interest groups: if you are looking for someone who shares your interest in stamp collecting, vegetarian/vegan diet, or something along those lines, one of the special-interest sites might be able to help you find a match/mate. And of course there are sites specifically for swingers, casual sex, fetishes, kink and all the variations.

As for the "general interest" paid sites, I have yet to find one that really does anything to make them worth the money. At the same time, the free sites sometimes offer extra-value features for a price, and some of these paid features may or may not be worth your while. For example, I'm a premium member of POF, and that lets me see when someone has read a message I sent; it also puts me ahead of non-premium users on searches. I don't necessarily need these features, but I like having them. (Paying for premium-member status also eliminates advertising on POF, which I like; but if you use the Firefox browser, the Adblock Pro add-on does pretty much the same thing, for free.)

Are you going to see most of the same people on paid sites that you find on free sites. You betcha. The difference is, most of them are not paid members; they filled out their profiles, then decided paying to send and receive e-mail isn't worth it, so even if you pay and want to contact someone, that person may not be active and won't ever know you e-mailed them.

For most of us, the free online dating sites are all we need.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 7 (view)
 
fake profile or lack of attention to detail?
Posted: 3/12/2012 1:55:58 PM
I usually offer my e-mail address and/or phone number after exchanging a few messages on POF. But after the first or second message -- never! That's a tactic scammers use, as well as people who are married or in a relationship and don't want their SOs finding out.

The rest is a bit suspicious too, but more with men's profiles than women's. After all, some women change their hair color/style, gain or (more often) lose weight, and otherwise make big changes in their appearance much more often than men do.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 2 (view)
 
How would you describe your needs for affection in a relationship?
Posted: 3/12/2012 12:57:39 PM
VERY important! To me, affection is a partial confirmation of the chemistry I feel with a woman. It's also a lot of fun.
 
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