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 Author Thread: Are women with crappy cars a turn off?
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 93 (view)
 
Are women with crappy cars a turn off?
Posted: 10/22/2012 8:24:25 PM
OP,
As most have replied, you're 18 and you HAVE a car (which I assume has been paid off for quite a while), so as long as it's clean and it runs, you're doing fine.

You are an attractive young lady, seem to have a cool vibe, ambition, culture, in to good music (as far as what I like), and 5'11"!

If I were quite younger and lived across the country, I would be more than happy to come pick you up in my car to go out and ride in the Corolla. If someone, feels different, then they're shallow and probably financially foolish with a lease on a car they can't afford in order to front like they're doing better than they really are.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Does this make me racist?
Posted: 10/9/2012 12:36:38 PM
Racism: noun
the belief that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, esp. so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race or races.
• prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on such a belief:

OP,
Not - Racist: You not normally attracted or having a desire to be romantically involved with someone of a different ethnicity.

Not - Racist: Being nervous about stepping out of your comfort zone and opening yourself up to a new experience.

Racist: "Trying to remember that he is still a person and acts the same way a white man would, he just has a different pigmentation of skin."

As has been pointed out, you (me and we) are free to associate and procreate with whomever you choose and shouldn't be made to feel bad about that. But to harbor a belief that someone who is not white is inherently inferior as a person and must be given some sort of honorary status as white to be reminded of their humanity is the embodiment of a very racist mindset.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Girl disappears for two months then messages me
Posted: 9/27/2012 7:28:24 PM
The apology/explanation was nice and as others have noted, she could have been telling the truth and perhaps it was just bad timing. Now she might have the time and inclination in following through with going out.

But, in my opinion, even with the apology/explanation this woman has shown herself to be a little too flaky for my tastes as she could have offered the same apology/explanation three months prior when you all were communicating.

From what little I know about your story and from previous personal experiences, I agree with other posters who have speculated that her renewed interest had a lot more to do with boredom and looking to get out than really wanting to spend the time to get to know you.

Did this "call out of blue" occur early on a Friday/Saturday (prime dating hours)?
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 37 (view)
 
What to do when you run into your ex for the first time after a break up?
Posted: 6/29/2012 10:58:59 PM
Put the car in reverse and run into them again (drum roll & snare)!

Just kidding: Be an adult, cordial, gracious, and, if it's applicable, have a conversation and explore a friendship. And if not, say good bye, don't make false plans for future link ups, & never let them see you sweat!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 81 (view)
 
What do women think of men who are not into sports AT ALL?
Posted: 6/29/2012 10:41:59 PM
Anyone who allows any hobby/interest to dominate their life and their plans with others should refocus, no matter what that hobby/interest is.

Plus in this day of DVR/Tivo, which I use liberally to record sporting events I want to see but can not due to real life happening, there is no reason for there to be "football (sport) widows".

The key is attracting someone who's balanced and not shunning someone who is in to sports.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 78 (view)
 
What do women think of men who are not into sports AT ALL?
Posted: 6/29/2012 9:55:40 PM
I'm obviously not a woman but found this thread interesting primarily due to many of the responses that equated an interest in watching sports (primarily the more popular ones in the U.S. like baseball, basketball, football, etc.) with being a one-dimensional jock/meathead.

I do suppose there are those that fit that stereotype as well as there are those, like myself, that actively follow professional/college sports, and make the time to be active, read books, travel, and create & enjoy cultural and creative pursuits.

I, particularly, find one-dimensional people boring, no matter what their hobby/obsession is, and this is especially true in terms of women I meet as a potential date & partner. I would hope most women would feel the same way.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Just wondering why some men cant say what they feel
Posted: 6/26/2012 1:00:21 AM
Better question to ask yourself: Why am I attracted to the type of guy who is non-communicative about the way he feels about me and why would I accept being treated less than what I think is right?

Once you answer this, the answer to the initial question will be moot.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Delete On Fbook
Posted: 6/26/2012 12:56:10 AM
Unsubscribe from her status updates to solve the "problem" of seeing her online if you want the quick fix and are interested in perhaps resuming a friendship when the emotional/ego-driven haze clears...

Delete her if you don't feel a friendship is worth salvaging.

Either way, move on with dignity. That's the only way.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
How to tell roommate his girlfriend is over too much?
Posted: 6/23/2012 7:49:16 PM
With your mouth; speak up!

But, real talk, if that's your boy and she's respectful of your place......why are you being a hater?

It's not a good look, my man!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 27 (view)
 
The best things in life are free
Posted: 5/24/2012 1:50:29 PM
"But you can give them to the birds and bees .I need money (that's what I want)" - The Beatles (among others)

Great song!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 94 (view)
 
Your partner gets a lap dance from a stripper, is that cheating?
Posted: 5/3/2012 10:03:44 PM
No, next question.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Opinions on those (Women,in the case of who I see) posing with/shooting firearms in their profile?
Posted: 5/3/2012 7:50:13 PM
Well do you know that many gun control laws roots in the USA go back to just after the Civil War and were designed to deny the newly freed slaves the right to defend themselves from attack. One of the original purposes of the 14th Amendment was to give them the Right to Arms. Many of the gun control laws in California were written to deny arms to Mexicans and Chinese, just another form of Jim Crow laws.
You also want to look up the Deacons of Defense and how they helped protect ML King.


That is a great point. I would argue that gun control laws go back further than that in the US, at least when it came to non-Whites, as obviously free Blacks in the Antebellum South and Native Americans were not allowed to legally own firearms and that the importance of "well-armed militias" in most parts of America from the 1600s - Civil War had less to do with having an army to stand up against foreign invaders but a force to quell slave revolts and fight against Native Americans.

Additionally, I am aware of the Deacons for Defense and more specifically, Robert F. Williams, who in his book "Negroes With Guns" advocated the arming of Blacks in the Jim Crow South to defend against racist violence not only by the KKK but also local law enforcement agencies who were sympathetic and worked with the Klan. I don't believe Williams had any direct connection with King but he did work with the NAACP and ended up going into exile in Castro's Cuba to escape jail time after a shoot out with authorities.

With all that being said, I reiterate, I'm not anti-gun just confused by its place on some of the personals I have seen.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Opinions on those (Women,in the case of who I see) posing with/shooting firearms in their profile?
Posted: 5/3/2012 7:41:16 PM
Ha Ha Ha...Yes I admittedly have a James Brown (Happy Birthday Godfather)/Funk Music addiction and, dare I say, fetish, so guilty as charged!

And perhaps the artillery is a not so subtle warning to would be players or faint of heart to bug off. (Didn't think of that)

I guess from my perspective, the respect I have for firearms and the possible consequences of their usage, would precludes me from posing with it in a post I would put up on a dating site unless it was an essential part of my being. And from the posts I was specifically thinking about when I posted this thread, that didn't seem to be an opinion shared by the women I viewed.

And I found that curious as it didn't turn me on any more, it just made me think that it was strange that this woman included a picture of her shooting a gun amidst the pics of pet dogs, kids, and vacation photos. To each their own.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Opinions on those (Women,in the case of who I see) posing with/shooting firearms in their profile?
Posted: 5/3/2012 6:45:58 PM
And with all due respect returned, in my opinion (not argument), I would say yes the "bike/car/pet/river/tattoo/weird hairstyle/crazy outfit" could quite possibly be an example of fetishization (or an irrational and unexplained need to prominently put on display) of that object. Especially, if said object is seemingly out of context with the rest of the images and message being presented and carries such a loaded (no pun intended) meaning and symbolism in our culture & society as guns.

Or it could be just an important (not so important) hobby and extension of that person's personality.

That's why I began my post with the inclusion of "hunters, gun dealers/collectors, marksmen & women, gun hobbyists, military, law enforcement, etc" as those, whose prominent inclusion of firearms in their Personals profile, in my opinion, would seem to make sense more than someone seemingly randomly posing with a gun or shooting it.

I personally would never feel the need to use a gun as an accessory in a picture nor pose with one unless I was trying to convey a very overt message to whoever was viewing the pic. In saying that, there's no judgement either way, I just find it odd and wonder if others have similar or differing views.

And yes, I have also seen the one with the woman holding the baby and the rifle; interesting indeed.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Opinions on those (Women,in the case of who I see) posing with/shooting firearms in their profile?
Posted: 5/3/2012 5:55:17 PM
Hoplophobia - Firearms authority and writer Colonel Jeff Cooper coined the word in 1962[7] to describe a "mental disturbance characterized by irrational aversion to weapons." (Wikipedia)

I had to look it up.

Granted, that could be the case. But as I mentioned in my original post, I don't have an overly irrational fear of firearms nor of those who legally and responsibly own and choose to use them. I just find it a bit odd when I see random gun pics among the many others on many profiles I peruse. The random inclusion among others reminds me of a sort of fetishization of guns that I find permeates our society (especially in advertising).
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Opinions on those (Women,in the case of who I see) posing with/shooting firearms in their profile?
Posted: 5/3/2012 5:36:26 PM
After a hiatus, I have been back on the main site and have come across a large number of profiles (for women, but I'm sure there are as many, if not more on the male side) of members posing with or shooting firearms among the pictures they choose to post.

I understand completely if guns play an integral part of your being (i.e. hunter, gun dealer/collector, marksperson, gun hobbyist, military, law enforcement, etc.) that one may want to share this part of oneself with the world, but most pics I see are a random gun range or posing with a rifle/handgun pic among other more mundane shots as out for drinks, posing in the bathroom, and on vacation in Cancun.

Does anyone else see this is a bit odd of a choice to include among your pictures in making a first impression? Is it a regional thing, or just to look cool? Does it make you more inclined or less inclined to contact and reach out to that individual? Or is it something that goes mostly unnoticed? Curious to hear your views.

And by the way, just for disclosure I am a proponent of gun control and a person's right to responsibly and legally own a weapon if they choose. So this is not coming from a place of being strictly "anti-gun", although I'm from Southern California :).
I'm just curious.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Ex-girlfriend issues
Posted: 4/20/2012 12:21:36 PM
Let him go.

I've been there on both sides of the equation and believe me, if he were REALLY done with her he wouldn't have wanted to slow dance or do anything else with her that would show some confusion where he wanted to be.

Telling him to do it was the right move, it showed you where his head and heart was at. Extricate yourself while it's still early and let him know that if he comes back (assuming you're still available & interested) he needs to come back ready to be in the present and not the past.

Good luck.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 21 (view)
 
EDITED - Stood-Up, Arrrrrrgggg, New Idea Maybe
Posted: 4/16/2012 4:08:59 PM
It sucks that she stood you up and it does show a lack of class on her part.

However, once past being naturally upset about it, obsessing over it and reposting about it is not a good look on your part. Especially, when you itemized your minimal expenses ($14.00??) and had included the lady's screen name and phone number (which I see you did not repost). In my opinion, it makes you look bitter and juvenile rather than the considerate adult in this situation.

Reclaim your dignity, let it go, and thank God you dodged a bullet in the form of an inconsiderate and flakey female.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Many ways to say Thanks,but I am not interested in you
Posted: 4/14/2012 5:08:59 PM
Callousness, Cowardice and those without class are not gender specific.

Men certainly don't have a monopoly on bad form when it comes to expressing they're not interested (i.e. disappearing without any sort of communication instead of being forthright), as several women I have met on here have demonstrated to me.

I find it more amusing than anything else, and when it has occurred, I count myself thankful that I avoided someone lacking decorum and respect for others.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 56 (view)
 
I got no strings to hold me down!
Posted: 12/30/2011 11:25:19 PM
LOL!

I didn't even see the sentence about no hookups unless the dude is
"ridiculously drop dead gorgeous and white"

Me thinks the problem is the OP has what was referred to on the show "The League" as an inflated sense of "Vaginal Hubris".

Perhaps these gorgeous white men she seeks have taken her up on her invitation to "hit & quit" and found the nookie to be lacking in a certain "je ne sais quoi" that brought them back for more.

Work on your kegels or perhaps your personality and 2012 might work out a bit better.

Cheers!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 55 (view)
 
I got no strings to hold me down!
Posted: 12/30/2011 11:16:02 PM
Why does anyone do anything? Who knows?

It's just like asking why do people have certain preferences in regards to dating? No this or no that or I only date this or go here...who knows? People just do.

Dating, like life, is a crap shoot and when you add in the extra benefit of a pleasurable activity like sex then the variables grow exponentially.

Maybe, the guy (in your instance because women do it everyday too) didn't think the nookie was all that. Or maybe he really missed his ex and was trying to get over her. Or maybe the nookie was really good but thought everything else was boring or just non compatible .

If this is something you find happening to you often, why not try waiting to have sex until you figure out if you are really compatible with that person and both of you want to have a relationship. That way it becomes less of a gamble.

Novel idea.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Ex girlfriend sends me this text today...how do I play this?
Posted: 12/15/2011 5:06:51 PM
"If I decided to stop seeing this other guy, would you consider me...?"

OP, your answer should be:

"Yes, I'd consider you as someone I choose not to deal with anymore. Kick rocks!" And then hang up!

Agreeing with what seems to be the consensus, she's trying to play you man, and is using the lure of a physical f%ck alongside of an actual mind f%ck to boost her ego at your expense. She doesn't want you, let her go.

Don't think of her as "the love of your life" or "the hot chick you used to bone and who played you, so you're going to redeem yourself and your ego" but rather as Lucy from "Peanuts" and you are Charlie Brown. Now she's holding that football for you to kick like she does every year, and every year she moves it away just as you are about to kick it and you land on your big round head. This year, like every other, she apologizes & says it will be different. The question is do you man up like the big strong hockey playing firefighter like you are or do you land on your melon sighing "Good Grief!" and posting another update in about a week or two.

The choice is yours; choose wisely!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 94 (view)
 
Please help me understand my ex gf reason for breaking up with me. Is she serious?
Posted: 12/9/2011 4:05:40 PM
I empathize my man but as many have said, it happens.

Time will reveal the thing that probably stings the most isn't that she left, but how she left and the wound that it gave to your ego, not your heart.

So keep your head up, go hit the ice, have some brews, meet some ladies, and enjoy the holiday season.

Because she really isn't worth thinking about now, your ego will heal, and, in all honesty, you probably weren't that in to her anyway/or not that compatible if it took her being emotional to get you to realize almost a year into it that you really did have strong feelings for her. There was probably something about her that put you off or you enjoyed her but wasn't ga-ga over her. She probably saw that and instead of being upfront and communicating, bounced. It happens!

It sucks, I have been there, but after a while, once the ego has healed and the obsession over how you "were done wrong" fades, you won't care anymore. It may make you mad, or even laugh (if you have a dark sense of humor like I do about these situations) but you really won't care because the reality is she has taken her emotional circus to a new town and that dude will have his own woes with her.

So Mazel Tov to the happy couple and enjoy life! Happy Holidays!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 14 (view)
 
breaking up on the phone.
Posted: 12/6/2011 4:15:50 PM
Unless one fears for their personal safety (and in that case why the heck were you with that person in the 1st place?) or there is no possible way to do it in person, I would say the phone is fine. But in all other cases, IMO it is:

- Less cowardly and wack than "disappearing", avoiding, email, online message, and/or text message

- More cowardly than giving someone the respect to talk with them face to face

This is, of course, assuming that this was an actual relationship of some duration and expressed/vocalized emotions taking place.

If it was just a couple of dates or something casual, then I think the phone is fine. It's text messages, emails, "disappearing" and such that are just lame when dealing with adults.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
 
My ex won't forgive me!??
Posted: 11/29/2011 9:44:58 PM
Saw the same post in another forum so here's the same reply:

Raging against your ex probably wasn't the best way to handle this, but it's not the worst thing in the world either as:

SHE HAD BEEN PLAYING YOU DUDE!

You CAUGHT her lying to you, called her on her sh*t, and she didn't even offer an explanation before you went off on her. She was playing you and was embarrassed more by the fact you caught her than by the fact that she was being dishonest, disrespectful & playing with your emotions.

Good riddance!

The only thing you should feel bad about it is your actions after this. Begging her to forgive you, buying her expensive gifts, and trying to "win her back" is all making you look pathetic.

Really, she was not respecting you when you were "in love" with each other as made evident by her lies (and I hate to say cheating - as I'm sure she was using your time apart to do her thing) so all this begging now that she has shown you what she is all about will just make her have even less respect for you. The time to salvage what was there has passed, move on my friend for you have set a dangerous precedent of accepting & rewarding disrespect by this woman.

Get the bracelet back (it's a recession & the holiday season for God's sake) , go to Mexico with your friends/family, and leave this chick alone.

Man up, Jon!
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 3 (view)
 
She won't forgive me!!?
Posted: 11/29/2011 9:26:00 PM
Jon, if this is a real post I would just say this:

Raging against your ex probably wasn't the best way to handle this, but it's not the worst thing in the world either as:

SHE HAD BEEN PLAYING YOU DUDE!

You CAUGHT her lying to you, called her on her sh*t, and she didn't even offer an explanation before you went off on her. She was playing you and was embarrassed more by the fact you caught her than by the fact that she was being dishonest, disrespectful & playing with your emotions.

Good riddance!

The only thing you should feel bad about it is your actions after this. Begging her to forgive you, buying her expensive gifts, and trying to "win her back" is all making you look pathetic.

Really, she was not respecting you when you were "in love" with each other as made evident by her lies (and I hate to say cheating - as I'm sure she was using your time apart to do her thing) so all this begging now that she has shown you what she is all about will just make her have even less respect for you. The time to salvage what was there has passed, move on my friend for you have set a dangerous precedent of accepting & rewarding disrespect by this woman.

Get the bracelet back (it's a recession & the holiday season for God's sake) , go to Mexico with your friends/family, and leave this chick alone.

Man up, Jon!
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Ex trying to ruin me?
Posted: 11/6/2011 9:56:34 PM
OP,
The situation, as you presented it, sounds horrible and I empathize with you. I agree with the other posters who have pointed out that those who really know you will see your ex and his criticisms as "sour grapes" if there is no merit behind them.

Is there?
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Why do people just walk away?
Posted: 10/22/2011 11:26:04 AM
OP, I empathize with what you're feeling now but it will pass.

The 1st thought that I had after reading this was that perhaps your former beau was either dating someone else alongside of you and opted to be with them without informing you of this decision (bad form - but all too common) or that he met someone else that he wished to pursue something with and again decided to leave you in the dark instead of communicating with you.

I find such moves cowardly and evidence of a serious lack of character and concern for the feelings of others but, as I previously noted, it happens all the time.

I would encourage you not to take it personally, give yourself time to expunge all expectations of a relationship between you and this person out of your system, and move on with someone who shares your ability to communicate their feelings.

Also remember the disappointment and the feelings that were brought on by this incident in case the former beau attempts to reconcile and/or you link up with someone else who ends up reminding you of the former beau based on their actions. This way you can use your brain instead of your wounded ego to decide whether or not you want to try to make things work.

Good luck.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Is she lying or am I overanalyzing
Posted: 10/21/2011 10:39:34 AM
This reminds me of the old adage: "If a person will do it with you, they will do it to you."

Yes, she was lying and as other posters already noted she might have "accidently" fallen on his penis several times that night too.

But she also did that with you the first time you met, so why be surprised? That's not passing judgement, it's just stating facts.

The girl obviously is a liar but you obviously are a snoop, and she kept lying after she was caught.

So, either be content with knowing that you're dating and sleeping with someone whose 1st instinct is to lie when confronted with the truth and play Sherlock Holmes for the duration of your relationship.

Have a long and honest talk with her and start anew.

Or just let it go.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/17/2011 1:07:54 AM
Thanks for clearing that up OP because, truthfully, I never got the impression you were a porn addict and I did get the very firm impression that your now ex was very insecure and controlling.

That is the funny thing about advice for an involved 3rd party, you end up getting their baggage alongside of the advice.

I think most of those who pegged you as some porn addicted/masturbation addicted cad had some recent dealings with a person like that and put that unto you, which make sense. And others who read it as a woman whose insecurities and controlling nature led her to try to control even the most asinine aspects of a grown man's life through negative experience did the same.

Life is very funny in that way. I'm glad to read, in spite of this, you gained some clarity.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Bathing suit
Posted: 10/16/2011 12:44:29 AM
You're a nice looking lady so I would imagine that those who lack class and are socially inept and/or inappropriate would be so regardless of what you had on.

If you want to post pics of yourself in your swimsuit, make it happen. And if somebody comes at you foul, block them.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 16 (view)
 
I need a guys perspective
Posted: 10/16/2011 12:23:42 AM
It's like that old Native American fable about the snake and the frog crossing the lake:

Frog: "Why did you bite me? I saved your life"

Snake: "Stupid frog, you know I'm a snake."

Him - Snake

You - Frog

He probably is just flakey, involved with others, and doesn't care that much about the whole situation. But, you do!
So imagine he's as evil as one could imagine he would be. Imagine him and his friends are sitting and laughing at you for repeatedly for falling for their emotional ruse. Imagine the horrible names they call you, reading your responses aloud and laughing, and betting on whether or not you will fall for it again.

Now the next time he contacts you (because he will), keep this in mind and act accordingly or perhaps preempt it by blocking him.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Getting over it
Posted: 10/16/2011 12:15:56 AM
OP

Been there my man. All you can do is chalk it up to your guardian angel pushing you out of the way of an erratic, duplicitous, and selfish bullet.

Even though knowing that won't make you feel better until you really feel it in your heart, just know she's some other man's headache now. I mean really she probably was hooking up with dudes when you were on your training and definitely during her month-long "break" (something also tells me she was not impregnated just by one "lucky"/one-night stand shot) and even if she wasn't aren't you glad you don't have someone so reckless and cavalier with your emotions, at best, or insensitive and screwed up, at worst, as your lady and mother to your baby.

Let it go, and tell your wounded ego to chill. You got away clean, a little bruised, but clean.

Good luck!
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Insecurity vs. selfishness
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:27:05 PM
I'm a bit torn on this one.

On one hand, I agree with the viewpoints of many that a "healthy" relationship with a "healthy" and "reasonable" partner is worth more than hanging on to some pics with past loves and half nude celebrities.

However, unreasonable demands made by overly insecure and guilt producing passive aggressive SOs over pretty trivial matters like Maxim magazines can be an early sign of future troubles.

Is this the only case where this woman is like that? Or have you seen other instances where she has placed demands and ultimatums on you and your relationship regarding rather tame and trivial matters?

If it is the former, then talk to her and get to the bottom of it, and, if it is worth it, dump the zines and the pics. However, if this is a pattern, you may want to reconsider as this will be the 1st loop in a very long and nausea inducing emotional roller coaster.

Good luck.
 papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
 
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:13:45 PM
I also agree with the labeling of "f-buddy" as being kind of crass.
In similar situations, I have found euphemisms/terms of endearments such as "lady-friend" or "lover" convey the same meaning and sound a tad bit classier.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:09:31 PM
If you're not getting what you want out of the situation, then leave the situation. But be sure to be clear to your "f-buddy" as to why. Perhaps, this show of will on your part to turn down the "nookie" will tangibly demonstrate your seriousness to want to make the relationship more and will be the stimulus needed on her part to take it more seriously with you.

If it doesn't then at least your wishes will be respected and your self-respect intact. Seriously, if this is not the relationship you want than it is up to you to change that. You shouldn't let your desires be put in bay based on the dictates of others. A true relationship is about compromise and each party's feelings being respected.

I would add this to the mix though. Think real hard as to why you are pressing hard for this to be more then what it is while she is not.

Is her reluctance based on a more realistic view of what you guys are to each other?

Are you pressing for more because you really feel there is something more meaningful that should be happening with you guys or is this your ego pushing you to want more because you have been told that you couldn't?

Be honest with yourself 1st, so you can be honest with her and see if there really is a future out of the bedroom.

Good luck.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Perplexed
Posted: 10/13/2011 12:55:06 PM
OP

I would take her advice and be patient and wait but not for her.

What an audacious and arrogant request that is to present that you put your life on hold while she goes back and forth with her ex, leaving you hoping that she will get done arguing and sleeping with him and come back to you.

Listen, everyone has played the fool before but don't let that be your excuse to play one this time.

I would erase her from my reality and enjoy this life without such hinderances.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Forgotten wallet leads to disaster
Posted: 10/13/2011 12:45:19 PM
OP,
I agree with the posters who advised you to look carefully at the glimpse into your ex-dating companion's personality provided by this incident. It is my belief, that if she was really into you then it wouldn't be a big deal. Accidents happen, and to those who have expressed doubt - Yes, it is possible to accidently leave your wallet, debit card, keys, phone, or anything else you may need without it being some ruse to mooch off of someone else.

I know one time when it happen to me on a date a couple of years back with someone I had been casually seeing for a while, I , of course, felt embarrassed but my companion also didn't take the opportunity to stick it to me. We had been dating for a while so she knew I am not the type of person to weasel out of a check for dinner and the matter was dropped. The next time we saw each other, I did repay her the money from the meal and that was that.

From what you shared, this wasn't a 1st date. You guys have been seeing each other and have been intimate, physically as well as emotionally, so, in my opinion, her response seems a bit harsh in the least, or rather disingenuous in regards to her true reasons for wanting to stop seeing you. Perhaps the difference in income/wealth was more to her than she let on or felt comfortable enough to express to you and this gave her an easy out.

Try reaching out again with a card and the money followed up by a phone call and/or sit-down if you feel she is worth it. But don't forget what you have been shown.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 48 (view)
 
just want some input
Posted: 10/10/2011 12:32:59 PM
Don't beat yourself up man, you seem like a good guy and it is a wonderful thing to be empathetic to the sufferings of others and to want to be a true friend to those who are in need.

I think the common criticism/advice you are receiving has to do with your stated desire of rushing into a relationship with this woman as she sorts out whatever she has going on with her current beau. Whether the dude is an abusive **stard or not, all you can, and should do, in this situation, if you are so inclined, is offer an ear and suggest necessary steps for her to regain her self-esteem and leave the situation (if that is in fact what she REALLY wants to do). As has been already noted, any extra thoughts of her being with you after that should be removed from your psyche as:
1. It is highly unlikely
2. If it were to happen, it probably would be a mess and end badly.

I read a long time ago that a major difference between the male and female brain is that males tend to want to "fix" things instead of discuss and ruminate on them as females tend to do. I have found this to be somewhat true and in your case, you seem to want to "fix" her and her "situation". But, you can't!

Evolve a little further from being a male trying to "fix" this woman or other situations like this to a wiser man who can discern what efforts are truly worth his time and energy.

Good luck.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 9 (view)
 
just want some input
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:34:58 PM
You're welcome and in spite, of the specifics of what is happening and the facts that we, of course, are not privy to, I do believe your best bet is to just be a friend to this lady without any designs or expectations that you will be together.

For if it is true she is in a emotionally abusive situation with a heartless cad (which I hope is not the case and frankly, from what little I know, doubt that is the extent of the relationship), she is not in a "healthy" emotional state and would not be a good partner at this moment in her life. She would need the time to heal herself away from a relationship and I would hope that you would want that in a partner. It would be a disaster to replace one dysfunctional relationship for another. Regardless, good luck with what you decide.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 4 (view)
 
just want some input
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:09:04 PM
Situations like this remind me of the response my old man would give me when I was embroiled or about to be embroiled in an overly dramatic situation with a likely outcome of failure. He would sit, shake his head quietly as I gave him the details, and then ask me in a very direct tone; "What's the matter with you, are you bored or something?"

I pass this to you OP not to be harsh but to just let you know from the outside, with the benefit of no emotional connection or raging hormones to cloud my judgement, that this woman and her "situation" sounds like a lot of drama and the end result won't be the two of you running off together to start a happy life. More than likely the results will be:

1. Her using you as a willing sounding board to complain about here dude but still crawling back in the bed with him every night much to your chagrin & confusion
or
2. Her leaving the dude, hooking up with you, and then going back to said dude.
or
3. Her leaving, getting with you, and then repeating the same dramatic patterns until she leaves to find someone else (more likely) or you get sick of her.

Facts:
1. She's a grown woman, despite her being "unhappy" she has stayed with the dude for 5 years and running, non-decisive about her life/emotions, signed away her money to him (this isn't the 1860s, if he gets all of her money she either gives it to him or her finances are so screwy that she needs to put it in his name and not hers - which would also explain the car not being in her name too and she not being "able" to leave), and is an emotional leech who likes to soak up sympathy for her bad decisions but does nothing to change them.

Not to mention, she doesn't seem trustworthy turning to a man she "hooked up with" (when was this - in the last 5 years?) to talk trash about her SO. Does he know this? One wonders what his side of the story is.

She's drama, trouble, and will be a pain in your backside especially if your plan is to "switch out" relationships. If you don't mind all that, try it out. But your best bet is to be a friend and let her do what she's going to do without any expectations of you being together.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 58 (view)
 
Wanting that elusive last word or knowing the truth about the end. Anyone else feel the same?
Posted: 9/28/2011 4:11:07 PM
Dealt with a similar situation recently and had similar feelings regarding the whole matter until it occurred to me just as to the other more even-keeled posters (the ones that haven't mentioned sniper rifles and abusing animals - even as a "joke", really?) that in situations like this you just have to find satisfaction in the fact that you will never hear the "truth" from the other person's lips and you have to just let it go.

In my situation, the words of love came fast, furious, and easy as did the absences, lies, and disappearance later when she unilaterally decided to move on. And after the shock, pain and questioning I had to be honest with myself and realize that this action was in reality not all that "shocking" when I honestly reflected on our experiences together and what I witnessed and chose to ignore in her dealings with others. And that outside of the "pains" that come from an unanticipated departure and being let down, the only real "pains" that were there in the end were those to my ego.

OP, give it more time and you will see that you are probably more mad at yourself for thinking you were "played" or made to look foolish rather than actually heartbroken over this woman. As with mine, you probably had some "Spidey Sense" tingling in the back of your mind which kept her at arm's length during your time together and she, like mine, probably jumped ship to find someone else who would be more compliant in satisfying her need for an emotional/romantic fix.

She's someone else's problem now, be glad there are no kids in the mix and enjoy your life.

Side Note: So I don't come of as a cynic, or maybe she found her "true love" and in that case, Mazel Tov to the happy couple! :)
 
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