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 Author Thread: So is love a choice?
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 116 (view)
 
So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:46:18 PM
We cannot choose our emotions. We can choose how we express our emotions. I choose not to believe in fear and fear-based emotions. This did not immediately preclude me from experiencing worry and anxiety, self-doubt, etc.... but eventually they mostly faded away, because I ceased to BELIEVE in them. So I guess in this sense choice can have an effect on emotions, but it's not as if you decide what kind of emotional response you're going to have to situations in your life... things happen... emotions respond... the brain says "what's going on??? oh, right, I'm sad..."

Of course, love is not an emotion. Love doesn't just creep up on you as a response to something. Love is a psychological (and if you wish to call it spiritual, fine) perception. We believe it manifests itself in any number of positive and affectionate emotions, but it is not an emotion itself, rather it is a regard, a state of interacting with and thinking about another person. Because of this mental disposition, we will experience several "loving emotions" like a warm feeling in the chest (anticipation, excitement, pleasure), fantastical musings about our lovers (rosey mental sunglasses and dreams), concern (anxiety and empathy), but these won't happen unless we've CHOSEN to respect the person, and CHOSEN to be vulnerable enough to this person to make a bond of such a caliber that we would feel love.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 200 (view)
 
The shaving craze
Posted: 6/13/2009 9:24:51 PM
oh sure, there's the feeling of victory and accomplishment... but can you honestly tell me you'd prefer to make out with a bearded woman? When a woman has long hair, are you pulling it in between your two mouths when you're kissing, or pushing it away? It's just impractical, and people used to be muff-divers because that was reality... it was too taboo to shave, once upon a time.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is it OK to date your ex boyfriends friend?
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:25:43 PM
Ultimately the "ethical responsibility" rests with your ex-boyfriend's friend, not you. If the ex-boyfriend was bothered by it, then his "friend" would not date you, or else end up dealing with the tension between him and his friend. The only reason I would think it would be a problem for you is if: you are good friends with your ex, or you want to get back with your ex in the future, and you don't want this to mess it up.

Otherwise, it's not your problem, as far as I can see. If your ex-boyfriend's friend is cool with it, then why not?
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 194 (view)
 
The shaving craze
Posted: 6/13/2009 4:15:10 PM
Many valid points here... on both sides. Shaving is fashionable. In the '70s huge jungles were fashionable. Perhaps oral sex is more fashionable now and getting pubes stuck in your throat is not. It doesn't really matter if porn stars started a trend, but someone did, and that means that many many people find it attractive to see a woman (or presumably a man) with shaved genitals. It feels nice and different than a hairy region... this is especially true when administering oral on a woman. So, I prefer my partners to be shaved.

As for manliness... men should be men. Men should know how to change a tire, a light bulb, a furnace filter, and a hard drive. Men should be able to fix basic plumbing, electrical, and roofing issues. The reason many man cannot these days, is not because they are preoccupied with body alterations like shaving, piercings, and tattoos. It's not because their interest in their appearance has made them feminine. It is because there are foam grounds surrounding plastic playscapes. Because there are no fights in hockey. Because there are bicycle helmets. The overprotection of our youth that started about a generation ago has nurtured a nation of sissies. The television's portrayal of the average American shows no role models that are hard-working men and follow basic gentleman rules like pulling back a chair for a woman in a restaurant, and holding her hand when you walk down a sidewalk. At least, I think that's the case... I don't really watch television enough to know for sure; but I doubt ethics and manners are hot topics these days.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
stricter requirements for mate as you get older?
Posted: 8/17/2008 5:42:06 PM
I am eager to hear someone say no to this question. Why wouldn't your requirements get stricter? I suppose if you become less attractive to the opposite sex and have fewer options, I suppose... but still, could you put up with someone you don't want just to have someone? Maybe... a matter of necessity, I suppose... but hopefully no one ever gets to that point, right?

Anyway, absolutely I am pickier as I get older. I did find another way I might suggest something helpful to you, OP:

"sexual compatability ( although I am not sure how to weed this info out early on in the relationship)"... one of the ways you might consider guaging the likelihood of successful relationships with your potential mates, is to experiment sexually with them BEFORE your relationship becomes serious and committed. Early on in the relationship is a great time for this, since you should both be really hot for each other, anyway.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
why men want women to have all this..
Posted: 8/17/2008 5:20:55 PM
Can a man mate with a personality? Merely wondering your take on that, OP. I'm not saying I'm shallow enough to only care about looks. I do value my own interests enough to not date someone I'm not physically attracted to. Everyone's not like this, though. Someone that is very close to me, recently married someone who he says has great personality. I don't see it. But people are different. Hang in there if you're not finding your type.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
please guys! Explain this to me!
Posted: 10/28/2007 10:25:50 PM
wow. Interesting.

My reaction would be to start eating his food. Just take it. When he reacts, it will tell you something. If he objects, then tell him off or cut him off. If he makes no objection, then perhaps he's trying to tell you that he's open to you, and wishes to look past formalities and exchange genuine intimacy. You said he just sat down when he first met you. I might look harder at that behavior to guess at what he's really about.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
The rebound guy
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:07:37 PM
Why is everyone focusing on OP's semantics rather than the context of which she is trying to communicate? OP is expressing an observation about sex and dating, about human behavior, and about experiences many might share with her as being members of this site. I think her post is valid, even if she made genaralizations. Should people date on the rebound? It depends on their situation, I suppose, but the accepted social definition of "on the rebound" is someone emotionally disadvantaged and troubled over a previous relationship. So, I wouldn't want to comfort someone in that state, but you can't always pick the time in the life you'll meet someone who you'll click with. My reaction would be to tell the person that our relationship isn't going to be of a certain type until they're well and together. I'm not into supplicating, but I am empathetic, so I'm not going to avoid a good person because her heart is broken.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
 
There's something about polyandry..
Posted: 10/2/2007 5:29:49 PM
I do find it funny that someone can say (and I'm not saying you did *cough*) that they have their own morals, not the Christian morals of the world we were brought up in. They wouldn't have sex with more than one person because it's a dastardly no-no.

I don't know folks. I feel the secular change a comin'. Much of Europe has thrown away the mythology of the murdurous crusaders and their Nazi Popes. Why shouldn't the land of the free start to be?

I agree with svj. G0ddamn way to go Playboy. I was still ignorant at 23 (when I married for all the wrong reasons.) Bravo.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
There's something about polyandry..
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:34:47 AM
^^ the book is not bad

Western culture does teach women to be more possessive and jealous than men. That's why women fear being called a slut and men could generally care less (except for the lonely or religious types.) Women need to know who fathered their children in this soceity, which is kind of funny because the reason the virtuousness of monogamy was instituted in the first place is because men wanted to know who the father was. See, way back when it was a matter of children working the farm or the trade, or whatever. These days its about who's paying for the support, not who the child's helping bring the income in.

In all of my poly experiences except one, the women have admitted to having more issues with jealousy. The one that was different was my first and the jealousy issues were mine. Jealousy is a negative energy emotion. It offers no one any benefit. As we go through this world in serial monogamy or any other type of relationship, we're going to have occassions to feel jealousy if we choose to. It's a stressor and can cause feelings of anger and depression, while doing nothing good for our minds, bodies, or relationship. I strongly suggest changing you frame of mind and realizing jealousy doesn't HAVE to happen. It's only fear of the unknown, and much like racism, can be done away with.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
threesomes: do they ruin relationships?
Posted: 10/2/2007 6:44:42 AM
Jealousy is a negative energy emotion. It hurts the person feeling it, and does nothing to strengthen bonds with the person that it's directed towards, unless that person is looking for emotional validation and is too sick to seek it from the jealous one... they have to spurn to feel wanted?


I had read some statistics on this at some point, and if I recall correctly, it was something like a 90% failure rate.


90% of MONOGAMOUS marraiges involve infidelity. 75% of marraiges end in divorce, so at least 15% of people, it works for.

I agree, the bond must be strong between the primary couple to engage intimately with others. This is true for friendships, also, especially friendships with exes. Threesomes can be GOOD for a relationship, if each person is strong enough to feel joy at the other's pleasure. It's certainly not for everyone, just try it if you want to. We're all going to die young (120 is pretty young in the grand scheme of things), might as well make mistakes!

Oh, and if your partner is asking for a threesome, your partner will probably cheat on you if you don't go for it. Statistically speaking that is. But that doesn't mean go for it, if you don't want to. It means seek help for your relationship, or try to find common ground.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
saying i love you during sex??
Posted: 9/30/2007 7:05:24 PM
I have been a little turned-off by this... rather bemused. That's closer to correct. A lack of response usually causes it to stay right there; an endorphin-laden exclamation. Why shouldn't we love each other, anyway? What's really freaky is if you say, "I love you, too" and you two are just not ready for that. Of course, sometimes freaky can be fun. Especially if you're in the crowd looking for one-night stands. After you screw half the city, it starts to get boring and you seek the freaks out, I hear.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Sex Scenes...
Posted: 9/30/2007 6:58:56 PM
Mulholland Drive's lesbian scenes? I know, a little graphic for the spirit of the topic, let me think...

There's a French Movie called The Valet. This super model goes to live with this Mr. Bean looking guy, and it's all a big scam, but there's tons of sexual tension and a tiny bit of fooling around. It's pretty erotic in a strange way. Plus, they all speak French.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Second-hand Stuff
Posted: 9/30/2007 5:53:02 PM
K-lo, that's exactly it!


I really would like to know how he conjoled her to his home in the first place, when he seems to be a total schmuck. And, by "schmuck" - I definitely mean, an idiot.

Sensible men have no hope with the prized girls at bars with second-hand underwear. Stupid and disrespectful guys get all the girls.

I wouldn't have started an argument over it. I would have taken them off (with a stick, if necessary... and NOT mine), and made sure the kitty underneath didn't look quite as used. If all was good, and she looked like one-night stand material; I probably would have went ahead with it. Upon redressing I might have said something about them; but I wouldn't have let it get into an argument.

But seriously... let's give the guy a little bit of slack. Maybe he started the argument because he just didn't feel like he wanted to go through with it. Maybe that was a focal point of his overall impression of her, and he didn't think she took care of herself. Maybe he thought she was a tramp or diseased, or who knows what. He probably wasn't sober. By that account, he accomplished his goal of ending the evening, admittedly uneloquently; but sometimes in the heat of the moment you might not know how to say: "Go home, you make me feel uncomfortable."
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Ultimate Guy Question
Posted: 9/30/2007 5:35:36 PM
Mosey Burns says:

I wouldent break off the relationship. If anything I'd want a second go at it to prove to her it was an isolated incident


That would be my reaction, too. If I couldn't perform I would want to redeem myself.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
~ In 6 Lines or Less ~
Posted: 9/29/2007 7:37:15 PM
I commit to remaining detached
your coy ways and cowardice
catch me coupled with confused
longing and lewd lyrics frowning
staying up late trying to find meaning
trying to stop thinking about you
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Guys, What scents do you find irrestible?
Posted: 9/27/2007 6:09:54 PM
good clean pu-sy. What? Hey, I'm honest.

If you already have that, but don't want to flaunt it at strangers, you can pick up some body spray that Victoria Secret makes that is ungodly and insanely good. You'll hook me like a cartoon me lifted off my feet and floating after my nose towards your scent. Or rather VS's accent of your scent. But it only works if you have prerequisite number 1. If you don't have prerequisite number 1 (listed in the first sentence of this post), then you will be horribly ripped off by this product, and should never use it in my proximity.

thanks.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Whats the most public place.
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:59:48 PM
middle of Bourbon Street New Orleans on New Years Eve. about 4000 people in sight and about a dozen touching us at any one time.

white table cloth fondue resturaunt dining room. I went under the table and gave her head.

Someone's front lawn. Don't know who they were, but they had a big tree and it was night time, so we stupidly thought they wouldn't see us. We were ridiculously naked and all over the place. They did see us... actually, the whole block did and the people across the street turned the porch flood light on us, so we left.

Some others, these are some of my "most public", though.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Which way do you fall first Emotionally or Physically?
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:41:40 PM
What does falling physically mean?

I think physical attraction comes first, and people might think that emotional attraction occurs at the same time or first; but I'm sure they're likely to be emotionally needy or unhealthy. I think you become physically attracted to someone you're trying to have a relationship right away. At that point, you don't know them enough to have a healthy emotional attraction.

As for physical attraction being "visual", I wholeheartedly disagree. Physical attraction includes touch, sight, sound, perhaps most importantly smell, and for those lucky enough to be open early: taste.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
What Do You Think Of Mixed Marriages
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:26:11 PM
I'm not one to say "the premise of the question offends me," as I see as a possible choice on some questions on another site. And this one doesn't, but I don't understand why anyone that's not a cloak carrying racist would ask it. Marraiges between people of different races are worthy of questioning? Do you really want to talk to people that think they should be questioned?

What a waste of time.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Love and Trust: are they really connected?
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:13:33 PM
Except for the heterophilia ("always connected to a man/woman relationship"), I think this is really insightful, however I'll challenge this.

I was actually thinking of love as a state of mind, which you can have with or without a relationship...... While I think of trust as always connected to a man/woman relationship. Maybe you can have love ( caring) without trust, but not trust without love? With love in this case, I do not mean passion or sensual intimacy.....just love as caring and compassion in general.

If you want to look at a manifestation of love, that "being caring and compassion in general", then I think it's fitting to look at a manifestation of trust. For instance, we trust the bank, but do we love the bank? Do we love the bank tellers? the president? the person that fixes the tube sucking machine? I don't think so. Not in the same way that you are using love as a reference point, but do we trust them? I submit that we do.

Why do we trust them? How can we trust them if we don't love them? We trust them because we feel conident in the incentives they have to not steal our money. Those incentives include criminal punishment, professional exclusion, professional peer pressure, state of the art security technology, etc. Are any of these incentives applicable in a romantic relationship? No, so we have to rely on a different incentive: the incentive they have not to hurt us, because of the compassion they feel for us.

See, it matters quite little whether we love or trust someone, whence trying to predict whether they're trustworthy. But it does matter if they love us, or have other incentives not to hurt us. These could include: ethics (stop pretending everyone is ethical), religious piety (*cough*), emotional/psychological dependence (which could have an exact opposite effect, if they become unstable), financial dependence, etc.

Can you have love (caring) without trust? I think you have to trust that your understanding of the person and your relationship to that person is relatively as you expect, to feel and react lovingly towards a person. If your understanding of a relationship is as you expect it to be, wouldn't you always love them? Even if you don't like them? I mean "(caring)" type love? Wouldn't you help them out, even if that meant ignoring them?
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
What kind of questions ARE we allowed to ask???
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:46:57 PM
^^^ yes, and to further bluezzz's point, check out some of the topics that are posted by women asking "why don't men get the hint"--- asking why do we need everything spelled out to us? Most times that I have received unexpected or unpleasant news from a woman it has been in non-direct communication; much like you are asking about what "guys" do. Sorry. I don't think most anybody will tell someone else why they don't want to see them anymore. Why should you? It would only hurt their feelings, when the reality is, you just weren't right for him. Even he realizes you're right for somebody else, so it would be wrong to attack whatever point turned him off.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Belts
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:38:09 PM
I don't wear a belt as often as I should (for fashion... or for as many belts as I own), but I will wear it for fashion if the mirror thinks I need it whence going out. More often I wear it for function. Reality is that I prefer to feel non restricted with clothing, and belts have a way of feeling too formal. Kind of like tucking shirts in. I try to avoid it. But I am conscious of what I look like, so I tend to buy outfits that work untucked and unbelted.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Dogs in the bed
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:33:10 PM
I love dogs. Three in the bed? I bet you they're those yip yappy little dogs. I'd prefer them not be in the house, or at the very least, locked on a different floor.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
How to broach religion with teachers.
Posted: 6/29/2007 7:04:00 AM
Is it legal in Canada to do this? I would be loudly offended.

It's not only relevant to people who don't subscribe to religion, but what if your children were part of a >different< religion? Christian parents aren't upset about this? How would they feel if all the kids were forced to kneel on a rug and face Mecca when they prayed?

Why are people such pushovers when it comes to Christianity? I know it's been so powerful in this Hemisphere for so long, but where's the spirit of revolution and freedom? Why is there no intellectual instict supporting freedom? I just don't get why this kind of thing doesn't rile more people up.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
how do i get my man back?
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:44:08 AM
OP, I say go for it. It will be good for the kid, also. Plus you sound like you love him, and he should know that. Don't listen to people that put you down, relationships are tough. I would say call him and ask him to come see whatever new thing the baby is doing... or just talk to him on the phone awhile, see how he's doing. Don't let this other woman that he dated get you down. So what? You said you were broken up, and even if you weren't, that's over now anyway... find out what his priorities are and if he can make a committment to you that you are comfortable with.

best of luck dear, and do everything you can to be a good mother and a good girlfriend.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
MFM threesomes and sharing your wife?
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:36:50 AM
I'm surprised with the open-mindedness displayed by many posters. I'm also happy that some people can express their opinions without attacking other posters.

All I wanted to comment on was:


I believe in committment, trust and loyalty


Why do so many people use this type of argument for monogamy? You can have a relationship that includes committment, trust and loyalty and not be sexually exclusive. If that's what you agree to and you still have boundaries that you trust the other person with, you make a committment and that's that. Committment does not equal monogamy. Committment equals arrangement + promise. That's it. Monogamy is just one arrangement.

One other thing was the comment about the Japanese being sexually liberated for centuries. It may do everyone good to stop believing that Western European-Canadian-American civilization is the "most evolved", "most learned", "most civilized" culture on this planet. MOST of the world does not have a culture that deifies monogamous behavior. Monogamy is tribal and religious only... there is no scientific or realistic evidence that it is "better" or that human feelings can not grow and be cared for in non-monogamous relationships.

My vote? To each their own. So, to OP's question... it depends on the person. If you're looking for the secret to your own future wife sharing possibilities, then, it depends on you. Are you jealous? Do you care more about your own possessive feelings than the enjoyment and excitement that your loved one could feel if they explore someone new?

In my life I value my relationships. When I am interested in someone, I am interested in everything that they are. If they are open to non-monogamy, then great. If they aren't, then that's OK, too. Everybody is different, and making that connection is more important than lots of new sex, at this point in my life. Been there, done that, loved most hours of it.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
How does one avoid putting sex on a pedestal?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:35:24 AM
Two answers:

1) Have sex on the floor in front of the pedestal. Knock the pedestal down during sex. Include the pedestal as mobile furniture and then blow it on the pedestal.

Sorry... the guy with the "blowing it... blowing it" post made me do it.

2) Look for more than sex. When you're just out looking for sex you look like a vampire to women. Look for some other value to intimacy with another person, or go look for sheep.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
'discrete' vs. 'discreet'
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:07:59 AM
OP: writing "critcal" when you mean "critical" is not that big of a deal because it's obviously a typo. However, the phrase:




but when "complements" was what implied in the context of her written sentence,


is missing a 'to be' verb. That's more serious of a mistake than a misspelling or a homonym use. Two grammatical mistakes in a post complaining about a one-letter example of bad grammar (and a correct spelling of a homonym, at that); this is a joke, right?

The bigger question is should professionals have accurate spelling and stellar written communication skills? YES. Do they? NO. I have to constantly talk with everyone on my team about proofreading their e-mails before sending them out. It looks bad. It makes you look uneducated. Granted, there are fewer mistakes as you look up the corporate ladder, but it still happens, and I would expect my team members could call themselves professionals.

So, would I let compliment go in place of complement? It depends. On a profile, yes, if there weren't many other mistakes. In a communication that will be forwarded to customers or a larger distribution? No, I'd tell the sender to change it.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:38:43 AM

Give me a break. If you had saved $2 a week for 7 years, you would have been able to pay for the divorce by now. That's a lot of ca-ca. Either crap or get off the pot.


If it's paying for the divorce, then sure. But it's probably not. It's probably shared assets, insurance, or other financial matters. You DO have financial penalties for getting divorced that are not just paying for the divorce.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Separated for how long?
Posted: 6/28/2007 9:31:49 AM
Oh my goddess, you people are really opinionated about this. To me it reads: we have a cultural idea of what marraige and raising children means and everything else is immoral. Yet most of the opinions come from people who have never experienced this before in their lives. Hilarious and tragic.

I look at someone saying that separated should be divorced because of blah, blah, blah, and your profile says single... not divorced... meaning you don't have any experience with this yourself. Someone that you dated before is just someone that you dated. You can't judge an entire populace based on one person. At least one person in every demographic, race, marital history, whatever; is a bad person or an idiot. If you had had the experience yourself, then that would be different. But you can't make sweeping absolute decisions based on the behaviors of individuals you might have met.

I like too, the people saying: "staying together for the kids bs" and then they don't have any kids. People can't parent others' kids, and people who aren't parents have no idea what they're talking about in any parenting situation, especially in matters of breaking up the family. This is a specific situation in each family, and a person who's separated should not be judged based on that separation alone.

However, if people don't want to date you because of that, it's the same as someone not wanting to date someone with no money or with some other temporary issue. They don't have to date you, and there are people that will. If being married is causing you dating problems, then get divorced. It's like if being too pale is causing you dating problems, then get a tan, right? People have to work on themselves to be marketable. My post is not against people that won't date you, but rather people that have some idea that they know what a separated person's morals or life is about, just because they're separated.

Having said all that, I am a divorcee with a child and the "staying together for the kids" could mean many things. The poster stated that the communication was clear that there was no getting back together. You could still have an amicable relationship once divorced, and if you're good parents AT ALL, you will. Although I don't believe that whatever works for a married couple is in any way sending a bad message to children -- because it does work in marraige, at least theirs -- separated should be actively divorcing if you're honest with the children, unless you're trying to get back together. From my daughter's mouth, there have been many times in the past where she's expressed that it would have been better if her parents were romantically together. I've never once minced words with her, and each time gently explained how that could never happen. If I was in any way showing her that I was still in an active relationship with her mother, this would serve nothing but to cause her anxiety and pain.

Now, if you are trying to get a divorce, it's not as easy as you single people seem to think it is. It takes TIME. Yes, you could sometimes be more aggressive about it, but there are people considerations, money considerations, time considerations, and everything else that could negatively impact everyone's life if someone tries to rush it just because they want to date under socially acceptable norms. I did not date once while separated, but that was my choice.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Dirty girl
Posted: 6/18/2007 5:40:33 PM
Three or four people on here keep saying "as long as it's legal". When it comes to legislating sex, very little is left unprohibited. Most things that don't involve an adult man and a woman in one of fifteen sexual positions are considered sodomy and illegal in most places in the U.S.

Some women have said that acting it out to the point where you'll get spooked or at least get it out of your system worked for them. It sounds plausible, but it would have to work with your lifestyle choices. If you have a partner, talk to him, and see what you can do... I would agree, though... you might not want to be very specific about the content of these fantasies, especially if they bother you. It could bother him, if it's obvious that you don't feel good about them. Maybe you just need to watch more horror movies? To your original post, if they are TOO extreme for porn, then do you realize you could be an instant millionaire by filming them and putting them out there? Just saying, is all...
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Is he flirting or ??
Posted: 6/17/2007 1:38:47 PM
^^^ right, and maybe in her book, too. So what happens if it seems like 30 seconds have gone by while you were thinking of something to say? Some guys will just cower away.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Does anyone even make out anymore?
Posted: 6/17/2007 1:34:45 PM
making out is good. I consider it a type of sex. It includes insertion, it's certainly sexual, and it is often the easiest sexual communication for two lovers to follow, probably because we are so used to communicating with our mouths.

As far as getting older/getting bored with it/not enjoying the taste as much (brush your teeth) or not getting as aroused by it... please, you just didn't manage to acquire or hold on to the skills that the rest of us have. Making out is wonderful intimacy. Having said all that, I will say that I wouldn't be interested in making out forever and ever and never taking off any clothing. Everybody has different boundaries, and I didn't catch that you were meaning making out INSTEAD of sex. But if you say >>sometimes instead of sex<< or as a part of sex, then I'd say YES. People who are good at sex are good at making out.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Stimulating a flagging relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2007 1:17:45 PM
Sounds like it would be a good topic for the relationship section.

Traveling can be good, but sometimes sketchy or not enough if the relationship is having many problems. Traveling can be stressful and when a couple travels together they have to depend on each other... but then again, there are different types of destinations, too. An all inclusive resort would be less risky than backpacking through foreign countries for most couples. Other couples won't enjoy the resort as much, so it's a personalized subject.

Surprising her with an intimate night at home is always good. Set up the house real nice... music... little notes telling her where to find you or a card with a hotel key inside, or whatever...

listen for hints on some gift that would really make her happy... a week or two after she says something about it, surprise her with it... write her a poem or plan a monologue where you tell her how important she is to you, etc...

Any of those things should lead to fantastic sex and increased flirtation/attention from her... that's all a guy will generally need to feel better about the relationship... then hopefully, the two can go fixing whatever else needs uplift.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
All the guys in the usa
Posted: 6/17/2007 1:06:45 PM
^^ true [Shawn888], but dating sites take on a culture and a geographic personality. Why are there so many topics about all the beautiful Canadian people on this site?

I don't spend much time looking outside of my local area, but I have found that Plenty of Fish has turned out to be pretty diverse in selection, here.

I can tell you this fluffy, there are enough women that complain about men's approach to communication on this site for me to doubt that "all the guys in the usa" stand up respectfully when faced with our British counterparts.

I don't know what you're actually asking about British women, though. I have seen some interesting and beautiful women from Britain and the USA (and of course, Canada, curse it ;) ) in the forums.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Is he flirting or ??
Posted: 6/17/2007 1:01:21 PM
yes, it should be our green light, but there can be many reasons why he doesn't approach. All of these reasons have to do with confidence or security. Is there an easy path to you, or are you surrounded by people? Maybe he can think of nothing to say. It can be intimidating to approach someone who has given us clear signals because what if: he still messes it up? what if: he interpreted the blatantly obvious signals incorrectly? what if: too much time or too little time has gone by and his entrance is ruined? Clear signals build up the moment to a point that the guy feels under pressure and might lose his nerve.

If I was ever going to recommend something, it would be one or two clear signals (eye contact and a smile)... then don't look at him for awhile and see if he approaches. If not, find where he is and lightly brush past him, make sure you touch him. If you don't want to say anything to him first, then this should be enough to get any guy worth your time to follow you and strike up a conversation.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Does asking out a woman in public ever work?
Posted: 6/16/2007 7:35:16 PM
It typically works like this: make eye contact and smile, or walk casually near her and catch her attention -- lean over and complement her on something that caught your eye, then smile....

now you have to build up a rapport. Conversation, dancing, shop for vegetables, whatever is appropriate for where you are will get you there. Finally, going for a planned meeting or a straight phone number usually works.

I don't find it incredibly easy, because being rejected in a public place can be embarassing... but it's usually not that hard to divert your conversation so that it's either private or casual enough so that no one knows you were shot down (except your best buddies recording your every move, of course.) But in reality, getting rejected never really happens like that. She will make it so the conversating part above never actually happens, so it's not so bad, come to think of it.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Experiences
Posted: 6/16/2007 7:25:22 PM


They are just happy you know what you are doing.


or that should be the case. If this person wasn't satisfied with their current lover's experience, than they should pick somebody else to have sex with. As far as "sharing the knowledge"... it's up to the new person if they want to experiment with all of these fringe or fetish sex acts you mention. I see no value in bringing some uninterested sex partner into a woebegone and taboo past.

kylie calling people whores or being not worth your comments just demonstrates that you have no class. Who are you to judge what consenting adults can do in the bedroom, kitchen, or basement dungeon? Whatever. People can be kinky if it gets everyone off, and OP stands to get more distance out of this topic if the most bizarre acts she could think of get listed.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Telling versus Hinting with Men
Posted: 6/14/2007 9:48:14 PM
Oh gender generalizations... oh men are wired this way, and women that...


But it doesn't mean they don't care; many women forget that a lot of times men don't remember their kids' ages, or their mom's birthday, or the names of a lot of our friends. Their brains just don't focus on those particular details automatically, and a nudge from us isn't the end of the world if it gets us what we want.


Everyone in my family that forgets their kids' ages is a woman. Just thought I'd throw that in there. My brain tends to focus on those kind of details, but I wouldn't say automatically. Somewhere in my formative years, I decided it was important. Just like somehwere in OP's formative years a female role model confided in her about how men "just don't understand".

Stop being passive-aggressive and just communicate. If he doesn't understand you, the commucation fault is yours, not his. He might not be smart or instinctively tuned into you, but that only means that you have to try harder if you want to communicate with him.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Irresponsible behavior or unrealistic expectations?
Posted: 6/13/2007 10:51:36 AM
You're not going to resolve an argument over this by proving a point. What you need to do is establish boundaries in your relationship that you're both comfortable with. It definitely sounds like your are a jealous person that expects any woman you are in a relationship to act like the beau ideal Mrs. Beaver.

While she did whatever she wanted to do, maybe she did know that it wasn't what YOU wanted HER to do. Maybe she doesn't like the idea that you want to have the ability to set such limits on her.

And why do you trust her? Because you love her? A little too trusting and a little too jealous (maybe a little too controlling). Have anything to do with why you have been divorced before? You talk about "people who have been married before" having certain ideas about relationships... sounds like you are trying to repeat the same pattern that's been unsuccessful for you before. Why?

Open your mind. Listen to what your mate wants. Try to change a little more than you want her to change, and see what comes out in the wash.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 133 (view)
 
why are some woman afraid of admitting that they like sex?
Posted: 6/12/2007 10:03:46 AM
What I didn't see mentioned in this topic (sorry, didn't read all 8 pages) is something I noticed in the first couple of posts by the OP. It seems like the OP is running into many women that do not want to talk about sex, or are not admitting that they like it. The real problem could be how you are bringing it up, or WHEN you are bringing it up. I wouldn't expect a woman to talk about sex with just any guy, that they know would like to date them. There is a dynamic involved in mating that goes beyond social mores. It isn't just something the 21st Century should cure. It's a natural selection process.

In order to talk about sex with a woman you are attempting to date, it is best for sex to be a possibility between the two of you first. Otherwise, she is going to have a big reason to be turned off by your forwardness and have much reason to tell you that "she doesn't like sex" or anything of the ilk to push you away. The truth is that she does like sex, she just doesn't want to talk about it with you, because you are uncouth. Attract women with more than flashing your genitals, and you'll have many more opportunities to talk to them about their sexual preferences.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Do you believe we cannot choose who we fall in love with?
Posted: 6/12/2007 9:00:05 AM
The below quote is a very meaningful statement. More people should consider the reasoning behind it. So many people throw emotional weapons around because they feel unnecessarily injured. Love requires maturation of a relationship to be successful.




Lust, attraction and chemistry are all things that draw me to people in the beginning, but they do not alone a relationship make. So once I know those things are there, I look further to see if there's anything else there before I get caught up in it. I think a lot of people think of those things as love when they are more things that lead to it.


But, I take a little bit different approach to this. I try to love everyone. The degree of my love for everyone is a small degree. Anyone that I spend more time with than another person, I do so because I CHOOSE to. I am assuredly going to love that person more, or stop seeing that person. "In love" is a subjective qualifier. There is no magical and universal line. There is no sudden "new" emotion that occurs when being "in love" with someone. It definitely denotes a high degree of devotion, desire, and compassion. And it hurts like hell. But lesser degrees of love can also hurt. That's why I try to be friends with most of my exes. Losing anyone can hurt.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
why are most people so free with sex?
Posted: 6/11/2007 11:18:09 AM
msg. 54:

1. I totally missed the Commandment against pre-marital sex. Which one is this? Adultery is not the same thing, if that's what you're thinking.

2. Are you purporting that your definitions of "Love" and "LOVE" are universal? I don't think so.

3. Not really enough comments on this for me to respond. Do you think we should not make love to our enemies?
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 34 (view)
 
why are most people so free with sex?
Posted: 6/10/2007 9:24:49 PM

i love sex but also like it more in aloving relationship but then again who dosent


Perhaps it's the whole reason behind the "who doesn't" feeling that is the point. Perhaps you like it more in a "loving relationship" for the same reason that you believe most everyone else would. Because that's what seems logical; that's what seems normal; that's what we're socially programmed to believe.



I think the American culture of "do whatever you want to, screw everyone else" is revolting.


Nothing could be further from the truth. America IS revolting against it's puritanical culture, but it still has a puritanical culture. It has been revolting since the 1920's, and really before that, but not as publically. America does not have the mentallity you speak of. American culture promotes monogamous relationships (meaning you have one partner your whole life... NOT meaning serial monogamy where you get a new one after the "love of your life" goes away.) America is with only 22% of the Earth's cultures on this idea, but it's certainly the opposite of "screw everyone else." To the more direct point being made in your statement, I agree with you, but for the opposite reason that you probably would like. People should do whatever they want to, as long as they live in harmony with everyone else. Once you start hurting other people, your actions have to come in question by soceity. However, if you have some idea on how people should act, live, or screw; than you need to have that idea. The minute you start to try to run somebody else's life by your idea, is the minute you start being the aggressor and saying "screw everyone else". Your "traditional" ideas are disrespecting the rights of others. The fact that they are traditional makes absolutely no difference. Read Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. It's only a couple of pages, so you can do it, even if you don't have much time.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
why are most people so free with sex?
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:28:26 PM
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your sexual preferences, my sexual preferences, or Jane Ho's sexual preferences. There are people that share each of our preferences, so criticizing soceity's pragmatism or morality is nothing but angst.

While I believe that, I'll share my personal feelings. I don't expect you to share my viewpoint on sex, but it is my viewpoint and that's the point of these forums. I wouldn't offer up this viewpoint without context, because it's not my place to criticize people's sexual preferences.

I like having sex. I'm am safer with sex than I am with many things in my life, which is to say I am as safe as science affords. Sexual communion is the highest form of intimate communication between persons. Consenting adults should be respected for whatever they want to do. To many people, withholding this intimacy builds up an anticipation and a hunger for it that makes them feel completely justified and (hopefully) satisfied when they do share the act with someone else. In reality, the act is physical and while the emotions are plentiful, a history coupled with an abundance of anticipation, can put so much psychological weight on the activity that the resulting pleasure will likely be "average" at best. But how would you know, anyway? You wouldn't have very much (if any) experience to compare it to. So, on with your religious illusions. The art of sexual enjoyment could be realized between partners who are truly monogamous (never been with anyone else) but this would require such a similarity in inclinations, utter empathy, stellar curiousity, and other magnanimous adjectives that just aren't going to happen. So you'll get average sex, some flashy player will come along in seven years and steal your honey away then on to the church singles (divorcee) groups to try again.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Can a nympho be faithful?
Posted: 6/7/2007 3:08:51 PM
OP replies to:



YES IF YOU GIVE EM IT ALL THE TIME LOL

and says:



Isn't that the whole problem??

There shouldn't be an "if"

Well... this is a little deeper than the original question, I think; but it's highly related. First of all, any person has the right to pursue whatever they want in a relationship. If she is not getting enough sex or the right kind of sex, then why shouldn't she look elsewhere? The answer is because she made a commitment to you, right? But what kind of commitment did she make? Just because she likes going out with you and wants to be intimate with you sometimes, have you assumed she would be monogamous? Has she felt pressured by you or social norms to say she will be, when in fact, that may not be what she wants, or feels she needs? The deeper part I'm getting to is either she's going to break up with you and seek it elsewhere, or if she's going to cheat on you... so, should there be an occasion where she will cheat? Should? Well, that's a question of ethics. Will? Probably. I would say with the vast majority of women that are nymphomaniac or have extremely high sex drives and interests (goddess bless them), they will most likely cheat if unsatisfied with their current partners, because:

1) It might not be that easy for her to find another guy that meets the rest of what she's looking for in a relationship. Even nymphomaniacs are interested in other traits when relating to people.
2) She might have feelings for you, and not want to leave you.
3) it guarantees her that she has you at the minimum and spice on the side... if she left you, then she's forced to find another minimum.
4) Addiction is about the drug, not the relationship to the supplier.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Good looks and assuming......
Posted: 6/7/2007 2:53:36 PM
"don't let a kiss fool you... never marry for love"

Many ugly people find a way to get what they want. Successful people that are physically unattractive to the majority of viewers (you know what I mean, so don't rip this apart), have become successful by sharpening other features of themselves to be more attractive. Either they obtained an enormous amount of money, they are skilled at deception, they are extremely funny, they always have the correct answer and express it compassionately, or they have those blackmailing pictures... either way, they have made themselves whom the beautiful person wants to be with. Who are we to judge? More power to the person who is overcoming their hideous exterior.

Or she could be an escort.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
What type of woman do you prefer?
Posted: 6/4/2007 8:55:54 AM
What could possibly be wrong with this:


2. A plate of tasty french fries with lots of malt vinegar and sea salt.



??

It's the only way to eat french fries. Anything that has to do with ketchup is abhorrant.
 innocentantic
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
What type of woman do you prefer?
Posted: 6/3/2007 8:03:06 PM


Is there a third option?


What? That she can support herself, but makes less than you? I can understand this, and feel it would be ideal for my own machismo if this would happen in real life, but I really don't care that much.
 
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