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 Author Thread: why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
 desertlioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 60 (view)
 
why am i still arguing with my father 4 years after we buried him ?
Posted: 12/29/2008 11:45:25 PM
This is no longer about something between you and your father. This is now about something just inside of you. My father was a very abusive alcoholic. When he died, there was a great deal of unfinished business between us. I continued to struggle with the anger and the frustration, still expecting him to change to make me better. I felt justified in my indignation. It finally hit me one day about four years later that my father was really dead, really gone. And that he couldn't come back to fix anything. It was now completely my job. It took a great deal of personal work, soul-searching and getting myself to a better emotional place. I started to realize that forgiving someone is never about overlooking what that person did or forgetting about it. It's about learning to let go of the hurt from the past so my present and future aren't poisoned. Forgiveness isn't for them.... it's for me. Recognizing this is what allowed me to go to my father's grave one day after about 5 years. I sat there for a good 45 minutes venting everything inside me, screaming, crying.... and eventually finding some peace inside myself by forgiving him.

Doing something like this is a decision only you can make, but I can tell you from experience that it's a liberating experience.... for me definitely. And who knows, perhaps for my father as well. Best wishes to you.
 desertlioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Am I doing this right? heh
Posted: 12/29/2008 10:57:23 PM
First off, honey, at 22 you are just starting to discover some of the things about us women that are really confusing. I'm sure there are much more "experienced" (i.e., older) men here that will encourage you to stop trying to figure us out. But that's OK, because we women often don't understand you guys either! LOL!

It sounds to me like it hurts you to be around her knowing that she has a bf to go back to after you see her. It sounds like you have tried to talk with her about something ("I've spilled out everything I could to her"), although it's not clear to me what you have said to her. Tell her why you aren't texting her or calling her. Be forthright about it. And let her know you are still interested in her, but it bothers you too much to hang out with her aslong as the other guy is in her life. Don't tell her that as a manipulation.... only tell her that if it's honest. This is not about her giving in. It's about open communication and you being clear with her.
 desertlioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Why so many advice to move on when the relationship may be workable?
Posted: 12/29/2008 10:36:39 PM
You said it in your post, that there are some situations where it's a given that the relationship needs to end, often for safety purposes. Then there are those gray areas. Some people look for what they consider to be the quickest and simplest solution to distress, and those are the ones who are most likely to say "RUN!" But you know, there are those posts where the OP describes a situation tantamount to that person dragging a corpse (the relationship) into a room, dropping it on the floor and asking "Should I do CPR on this?" If that's the sense I get, I'm going to tell the OP to just give it a proper burial.
 desertlioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
what should i do?
Posted: 12/29/2008 10:04:02 PM
Ouch! This is a truly ugly situation. The other responders pulled together all the pertinent information, so about all I can do is toss in my two-cents' worth. Your wife is already emotionally detached from you and your marriage. And I agree completely that her statement about loving you but not being in love is really lame. She has told you clearly that she wants to play around to find out if there is someone better out there for her, all the while having you in the wings to take her back (she believes) if she doesn't find that special guy she is looking for. That is really arrogant on her part. But hon, if you continue the relationship knowing she is dating other men, you are an equal partner in the collusion. So how many years does she get to locate her new "Mr. Right?" One? Five? Unlimited? This is pathetic. My suggestion is that you let her know two things: (1) if she wants to date, then the two of you have to get a divorce, and (2) if she decides to stay, then tell her marital counseling is a requirement (note that word) for the two of you.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Precious moments
Posted: 4/25/2008 7:23:50 PM
I certainly think being a grandmother is much more fun than being a mother was. Although, I have to admit being a mom to my two grown kids is also much more fun than being mom when they were little!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Recovering From Abuse
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:42:30 PM

The thing that I find strange is the reason why people tend to dismiss this INSTINT.
Tauresa, I am a bit puzzled why you call this "instinct" (I'm assuming that's what you meant). Are you referring to a gut reaction? A thought? The wisdom of the ages?

IMHO, people don't have instincts about much of anything, let alone relationships. We learn, we don't run on instincts. For a person who has been abused, the instantaneous reaction is to gravitate back to the familiar and the comfortable, even if it really doesn't look abusive at first pass. Read back over the OPs subsequent posts in this thread and this is borne out. She had no desire to get back into something abusive and she truly believed this new guy was wonderful and a keeper. It wasn't until after awhile that the red flares started going up and she decided to stop it. The way I look at it is that her "picker" is broken and she needs to take the time to fix it. She had no clue it was broken and perhaps how it even got that way. I also recommend seeing a relationship or abuse counselor or one who can focus on women's issues. Having a group of close trusted friends, like you stated, is critical as well.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Ladies, do your partner's nocturnal erections bother you?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:30:00 PM

I don't know what originally causes it, but I think it has something to do with holding the desire to take a leak. So by subconsciously holding, it causes an erection.
Not exactly, OutMind. Most men have erections off and on during the night when they are in REM sleep. Has nothing to do with repressed urination.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Response to what is your profession....
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:09:05 PM
Wow, I am truly amazed at some of the replies to the OP. I'm like you, Oregondaisy. I ask. To me, asking about what one does for a living is "small talk." If I were to meet an interesting man at a party or other event, one of the things I would ask him is what he does for a living.... right along with "Where are you from?" and "Do you have kids?" Small talk. But such small talk can tell me a lot about the other person. I find it interesting that he interpreted the question to mean you were digging about how much money he has / makes. My goal in asking such a question is to determine "Is he responsible?" and "Can he take care of himself financially?" I have my own career, I have my own home, I have my own income, thank you very much!

He's obviously either had a bad experience or is anticipating one based upon his career. Too bad. Move on, hon.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Im dating somone 8 years older, advice wanted
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:54:49 PM
If you enjoy each other's company, what's the problem? Who are these "people" who tell you she's too old for you? You have MY permission to tell them to take a hike! I was 9 years older than my late husband, and he said it bothered him all of about 18 seconds. I know you stated in one of your posts some "what ifs?" None of us know how we're going to feel or what we're going to be doing next week, let alone in 5 years. You said your goals are similar, you get along great and you love being together. Enjoy each other, and whatever develops, develops! You will both know as time goes on if you are meant to be together. In the meantime, sounds like you're having fun, so why not?
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
He's in love for the first time and is 49.
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:48:19 PM
He's way too touchy. You two need to sit down and really talk. It's evident that there are many things inside him (and perhaps inside you too) that are fragile and that another person can't fix. The fact that he wants to run when you ask himself something like that gives me a really clear idea WHY he has never been in love before. This man is super insecure and YOU CAN'T FIX THAT. Sit down with him, tell him your concerns and let the chips fall where they may. If he gets up and runs away from you when you try to talk with him that honestly, you two could never have a truly intimate relationship in the long run. My hopes are that giving him the opportunity to really talk might help him relax enough to open up. Please let us all know what happens. My best to you!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Why would a man or a woman need to look in a prison to find a partner?
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:41:08 PM
Gatorsz said it:
Its a self esteem/self-worth issue. Someone (the person who isn't in prison) likes the feeling of being "needed"... that obviously isn't getting that need met by someone who is out of prison.
Some people have a distorted belief system that "being needed" = "being loved." Those people have low self-esteem and don't believe that they ever be truly loved for who they are. So they try to gain favor with someone by becoming indispensable. They become needed and think that's the way to someone's heart. Lots of convicts have absolutely nobody in their lives. What a great way to fill a niche for two lonely people. The really sad thing is when, in the majority of cases where the convict leaves prison (parole, release, escape), the indispensable codependent finds themselves being abused by a psychopath. But you know what? She knew he was a SSSSSSSSSSSSNAKE when she picked him up.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
logical brain says leave, but emotional heart says stay
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:29:08 PM

cuz if she ****in with hard drugs like cocaine and speed and etc... u shud try and help her get off not leave her but if its weed slap ur self for bieng an idiot
Just read your profile, josephbaroud, and spotted the notation about wiping the "blunt ashes" off yourself. My, my, my.... Unless the OP decides to have a professional intervention done with his GF, there is not much she'll hear when he tries to talk with her about his concerns. The longer he sticks around, the more he will go down with her. It's inevitable.... sad, but true.

Marijuana? Perhaps on the shallower end of the drug pool, but not harmless by a long shot. Some of the most difficult people I have ever worked with have been hooked on pot, and because they believed all the myths about MJ being "harmless," they often choose to ignore what their use is doing to them. Doesn't make any difference what the drug is; if it's affecting important things in the person's life, it's a problem.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 1011 (view)
 
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:11:36 PM
Depends upon what your definition of forgiveness is. Too many people believe that "forgiveness" means that they not only will accept the apology / amends, but that they also must keep this person in the same role in their life. People interpret "forgiveness" as letting the violator off the hook, so to speak, not holding them accountable so they no longer have to look at their behavior. I look at things differently. For me, if my committed partner cheats on me (which implies deceit, dishonesty and violation of trust.... a lot more than simple "cheating"), I may eventually be able to forgive that person, but the nature of the relationship has now changed. The trust is gone, the desire to be with that person is gone, the ability to believe in that person is gone.

For me forgiveness is not something I do for the person who has violated my trust, to let him stay in my life or not. Forgiveness is something I do so the violation of my trust doesn't keep poisoning ME. This keeps me from being bitter and suspicious toward other men in future relationships. I can eventually forgive so that I can move on in my life, not to get the cheater off the hook.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 77 (view)
 
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:54:19 PM
RUN!! Do not walk.... RUN!! This guy is past counseling. He is escalating in his crazy behavior and he is eventually going to not just punch a hole in the wall. He'll start punching you, if that hasn't started already. He is showing all the signs of being an abusive man, and now is the time to walk. His accepting responsibility once in awhile is a typical thing abusive partners do to keep you around a bit longer. But as long as you stay, this will continue to get worse. I obviously don't know the laws where you live, but my thought is that right now it's better to leave while you are all in one piece and divide up the property once you are in a safe place. You need other objective people with the two of you when you start to divide things. My very best to you!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Is it wrong to want a child/children at 40?
Posted: 3/29/2008 4:21:54 PM
And there is nothing to keep you from actually finding a younger woman than you as a life partner. She can be in her 40s or not. No hard and fast rules.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Is it wrong to want a child/children at 40?
Posted: 3/29/2008 4:18:30 PM
Coolguelphguy, if you want to become a new daddy in your 40s, then find yourself a great girl and make reservations for a visit from the stork! Men don't have that same biological clock that women do, but obviously you need a lady who also wants kids at this time of her life. And she's out there if you look. I'm sorry that you and your wife didn't have the opportunity to have the family you wanted, but she had to follow her own heart. Don't let your friends (or family?) sway you to believe you are wrong to want kids. My guess is that (1) they already have their kids and aren't crazy about the responsibility; or (2) don't have any kids and realize they would be losing a cool partying buddy if you have kids. It isn't their life, it's yours. Follow your dream. And best wishes!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
I dont think he knows what he wants!!
Posted: 3/29/2008 3:42:39 PM
In every relationship where there is that initial chemistry, it starts out strong, then cools down considerably. I can only conjecture about what cooled him off, because none of us here are privy to what has really gone on between the two of you and in between your times together. But something happened to cool his heels.


I think that he knows Im a good girlfriend, Im always doing everything I can for him, I treat him nicely and always with respect... which is why he doesnt want to let me go. But at the same time, he has told me that he doesnt know if he will ever feel "that way" about me. Meanwhile, Im head over heels for him! I just dont know what he wants from me. I give him his space but I get upset.
I CAN tell you what this looks like to me. It appears that you are trying to make yourself indispensable to him. Stop it. You're young and you're doing what a lot of young (and in all honesty, older) women do. You are trying to make him think he could never find another women who will do for him like you do. To someone who isn't committed to the relationship, that gets irritating really fast. And in all honesty, hon, answer this question out loud within 15 seconds: "What are five things about him that make me 'head over heels' for him anyway?" If you can't honestly do this with 15 seconds, you aren't in love, you are in love with the illusion of him. And if the points you do come up with have anything to do with looks, money or his car, they don't count.

He's just not that into you, girl. Let him go, find someone who is into you.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Recovering From Abuse
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:43:40 PM

Part of why I stayed is that I am a pretty insentitive person with a healthy self esteem and when he called me a **** I thought that's right, I am cause I won't take your SHIT! It took years for me to get tired of hearing it even someone with a thick skin can finally get cut over time.
OP, while my heart goes out to you for what you endured, and despite the fact that I don't know you, my response to the above statement is BULL****. If you had good self-esteem you would have walked out on this man the first time he did anything abusive to you, not after 10 years of this.


So I am emotionally available as in I am not still in love with him, just having trust issues.
This statement is an oxymoron. People who have trust issues (and it is completely understandable that you do) can not simultaneously be emotionally available. You obviously were very quick to seek out a man for a relationship, and I have a hard time believing it was because of your hormones. Puh-lease! Someone else said it: get yourself a battery-operated boyfriend to keep your hormones happy for right now. If you are seeking a support group to help you heal, you might want to try Codependents Anonymous or look for a group called Women Who Love Too Much.... great book by the same name.

Best wishes to you in your healing.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:17:49 AM
I've been widowed for a little over two years now. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to stop wearing my wedding ring, and emotionally and mentally it was a struggle. But the reality is, I am no longer married. Once I came to that realization, it became a little easier for me to take it off. That happened about 4-5 months after his death. I bought a ring with his birthstone in it that I wore for a little while, but that didn't last. On some occasions now, I wear a silver ring he bought for me because I thought it was so pretty. That one feels just right.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
45 and acting like a child
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:10:53 AM

But after 3 dates She told me that if we were to go further. she would have to see who was on my e mail list. Her felling were that if i had a lot of woman I must be some sort of player or cheater.
Interesting, Artz.... and sad. Did you keep dating her? Many years ago, I met a nice man locally and we went out a couple times. Nothing there between us but we remained chat friends thereafter. about 8 months down the line I got an IM out of the blue from some woman who asked me what kid of relationship I had with so-and-so. I had no idea who she was talking about, but she insisted my name was on his friend list. Finally I figured out who she was talking about. I asked her why she felt the need to message me, and she told me flat out that they were talking about getting married and she told him she wanted access to his entire internet account to check him out. I was honest with her, but I also told her that it was apparent she didn't trust him. She stated that this was her way having him build trust. I still feel sad when I think about that. My guess is that she was burned pretty badly somewhere in her past and she wasn't about to go there again. But my other guess is that she will probably always find something about which to question his loyalty, and no amount of honesty on his part will fix her mistrust.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
45 and acting like a child
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:01:46 AM

The correct question to ask is why is man who is engaged on POF? Why is he talking to anyone here? This is for singles. He's engaged. He should be spending his time and focusing his attention on his wife-to-be.
Sunstar, are you referring to the OP? I don't believe she said her engaged friend was on POF. She said he was online. Lots of different places to be online these days to chat.

Anyone who would behave like the OP discussed is insecure and childish, for sure. This is a blatant boundary violation, pure and simple. Gratefully I have never dated anyone (that I'm aware of, anyway) who felt the need to snoop into my personal business, online or otherwise. But if I did meet someone like that, he wouldn't be around after I found out.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
What does working at a relationship mean?
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:37:36 AM
BeerShark, it sounds like your lady friend is working hard to NOT have a relationship.

And Nicky2Tone, I agree completely. A relationship is like any growing thing. If both people nurture it, it will grow. If one or both neglect it, it will die.

Frankly, I believe that a really good healthy relationship doesn't take a lot of work, but it does require attention. Many people forget that being in a relationship means that life is no longer only about them. For people who are really self centered, that's where the work comes in. I see having a great relationship as a "labor" of love, because I want to do things to enhance my partner's life and want being together to be something wonderful. But I also know that it goes both ways, so I seek someone who sees things in a similar vein.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Do your older kids play apart in your decesion
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:28:20 AM
My 34-year-old daughter and her husband would LOVE for me to find someone special. On the other hand, my 29-year-old son is still grieving the death of his stepfather. He has already told me that if I start dating someone regularly, he doesn't want to meet him. No offense to the gentleman, but he still feels nobody else can take his stepdad's place. It's a loyalty thing to him. *SIGH* But this would not get in the way of who I choose to date and eventually become involved with.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
28 year old virgin...
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:43:09 AM

Recently, I was in one situation, where I really wanted to sleep with a guy I was dating, when he found out I had never had sex before, he thought I was a joke, my age and the fact I’m attractive and I’ve NEVER had sex, he broke up with me.
My guess is that this guy was freaked out by the thought of being your first, that you had been "saving it" for Mr. Right and he didn't want to be your Mr. Right. That's a huge responsibility and not particularly a turn-on to every man. Some guys love the thought of getting the cherry, some guys prefer an experienced lover.

'Nuff said about that guy. By all means, be honest, but wait awhile until the relationship has gotten to the point where you decide it's time. Dishonesty will only damage any potential relationship by creating mistrust.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Mismatches: Marriage Minded People Pick Commitment Phobics And
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:48:49 AM

Just like there are commitment-phobes, there are others that are love-obsessed.
Phoebe48, awesome observation. I have a close friend who has been on a mission to get married. Interestingly, when she had a great guy who adored her, he bored her silly and she dumped him. So it was much more than a mission for her. It has been a mission to find a man she couldn't have a prove to herself she could get him. Well, she met Mr. Commitment-Phobe and she dug in her heels, making herself completely indispensable to him, taking him into her home when he had no place else to go (yep, you can read between THOSE lines all you want!), and creating a situation where he is totally dependent upon her. Lots of us have tried talking with her and with him about this, but she is totally delusional about this man being the absolutely best person for her. Well, he popped the question recently, and all of us are shaking our heads, knowing that the S**T will eventually hit the fan, probably sometime after the "I do"s. She is hell-bent on getting married at all costs, even if it's to Mr. Wrong.

Can we say the word "codependent", boys and girls?
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
orgasms after 50
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:37:19 AM

....but it doesn't mean you can make new decisions now.
make that "... but it doesn't mean you CAN'T make new decisions now."
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
orgasms after 50
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:35:19 AM

Not sure what bbw is but if you're implying I'm bi you are so wrong.
OP, you have in your profile that you are "Big & Tall/BBW." BBW = big beautiful woman.

He complains about your breasts sagging? Has your husband never heard of gravity? And blaming your husband for you not working is passing the buck, IMHO. You picked him, you married him, I assume knowing that he wanted a housewife. You volunteered to stay out of the workforce by doing this, but it doesn't mean you can make new decisions now. You two have some serious problems in your marriage and I think there are problems on both sides. Run, don't walk, to a counselor and start working on some of this stuff. You might find (a) you can each do some things to make the marriage better; (b) you can learn to live and let live; or (c) it's time for you to do something else. And if he refuses to go with you, go yourself and start working on your own issues. But from the initial post, it sounds like right now you see the marriage as over.

Best wishes to you, no matter what you decide to do.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
The more I watch my friends date, the more I like my dogs..
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:16:14 AM

It's not like our drive to reproduce is doing this...
Well, for the women anyway. I still see plenty of men my age and older on this site stating that they either want kids or are open/undecided.

Yeah, there are a lot of crazy experiences that happen during dating. But it's a weeding-out process and one has to keep that in mind. As for me, I want someone special to go do things with, a companion, a special friend (w/p) with whom to enjoy all kinds of activities. Whether or not I find someone I would like to grow old with, well.... time will tell. I'm content to go places and do things with someone fun, interesting and entertaining. And I am a die-hard optimist.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Ladies, do your partner's nocturnal erections bother you?
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:18:12 PM
When I have a steady sex partner, I want his nocturnal erections to bother me as often as possible.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Lack of drive ends relationship
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:09:59 PM

Most women will not leave a man until they have a firm grasp on another.
Oh, OUCH, thunderhead! Does this describe your experience with women? That's pretty sad. I simply do not see this with my women friends. Not that I haven't seen it with a few women, but they are not my friends.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Lack of drive ends relationship
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:03:14 PM

One thing about this account in the OP is that it assumes the woman should be okay with a guy who can't perform sexually.
Nope, she doesn't have to be OK with a man who doesn't perform sexually the way she may want and need. But any time a woman assumes it's HER that's preventing him from performing up to her standards ("Gee, am I too short, fat, blonde, ugly"... fill in the blank... "to arouse you?") that's insecurity. Lots of people (men and women both) often believe that if a man is REALLY attracted to a woman, he should be able to get it up every time and always keep it up. Come on, we all should know that that's simply bovine excrement. First, if he can't perform in a manner that she needs or wants, she has the capability to move on and find someone more studly for herself. Second, if he really isn't into her and that is causing him to under-perform, then it's his responsibility to tell her it's time for him to move on. Finally, if they find out that he really does have a physical problem that can be treated, they need to talk about it and see if she is willing to stick around (assuming she loves him.... if she doesn't, what's the purpose in sticking around?) and be supportive of him while the treatment is taking effect.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Do women fantasize about having a man paint thier toenails/massage thier feet.
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:18:42 PM

I think it's more that they have their mate "serving" them.
Well, maybe for some women this is true. I just enjoy being pampered and I definitely love to have a man rub oil or lotion on my feet, massage them, etc. If a guy wants to paint my toenails his favorfite color, I'm all for that. And Edmontongeek.... nice fantasy you got there!!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Lack of drive ends relationship
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:01:13 PM

What is your take on all this?
Hmmmm.... quite a bit there. Let's create a synopsis: Your "friend" needs to see his doctor and probably a specialist, if he hasn't already done so. His girlfriend's needs were not being met. Your "friend" was not being understood by the girlfriend. She is insecure and assumed it was all about her. Your "friend" was probably smart to end the relationship because they were not communicating and he can't fix her insecurity. HOWEVER.... your "friend" really needs to have some tests run and find out what he has to do to fix his sex drive, unless he's comfortable with it not working up to snuff.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Tell what was said
Posted: 3/15/2008 11:48:52 AM
Nasty talk can be really fun, as long as both people's ideas of what that constitutes mesh. That's where good communication comes in. The one thing that I heard that was an instantaneous "cold shower" was some years ago, from a guy I had been dating for awhile and we had just moved in together. We were having sex and he said "Make me your ****, Mistress!" I have never lost my groove faster than that night. While I have total respect for submissive men and the Dominant women in their lives, I'm not a Domme. So, yeah.... that relationship ended soon afterward and I definitely dodged a bullet.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
My Ex's Breasts Question ???
Posted: 3/15/2008 11:42:14 AM
I think the two most likely possibilities have been mentioned here already, one more than the other. If she has implants, it probably isn't the implants themselves that are hard.... it would be surrounding scar tissue that may be building up if the implants were done poorly or her body is rejecting them. The other possibility was mentioned only once, and that would be that she has done some heavy-duty upper body muscle work and got those pecs rock-hard! You didn't mention anything about the rest of her body, so #2 would be my guess.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
unsure of how to proceed
Posted: 3/14/2008 1:48:49 AM
Aprincelyfrog, I somewhat agree with your first statement (that happens, but more often than not, the sober alcoholic wants the enabler to stay). I completely agree with your second statement. I totally DISAGREE with your third statement.... getting healthy together is the most ideal situation, but two people almost never get straightened around on the same timetable. And she may not yet realize she has some things to work on inside herself... doesn't mean she couldn't do that now. Finally, while I also would encourage the OP to keep himself on track, there is no other person that can bring out the best or worst in him. That's something only he can do. However, there are people "out there" who can enhance his life or hinder it. It's not clear where the woman he speaks of fits. But he'll know, if not now then eventually if he chooses to stick around.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
unsure of how to proceed
Posted: 3/14/2008 1:41:10 AM
First of all, congrats that you are sober. Keep up the good work. Secondly, has SHE gotten any help, such as AlAnon? I think that's crucial, regardless of whether you decide to try to iron things out with her or not. Third, may I suggest you keep working on yourself while you keep dialogue open between the two of you. It's OK to not make a decision right now about what you might want to do with the relationship. Nothing wrong with the two of you talking out some of the wrinkles from the past, without making a commitment to getting back together. With time and continued sobriety, thinks will become clearer to you what YOU want to do.

All my very best to you from another friend of B.W. and D.B.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
HE IS STILL ON POF !!!
Posted: 3/14/2008 12:46:31 AM
First off, good for you, OP, that you made the decision you did. The main reason I see it that way is that it was obvious the two of you saw things differently in your relationship. It seems the internet has opened a whole new can of worms for some people, a type of addictive behavior where they look for a rush by seeing who they can flirt with / attract / meet / have sex with / etc. Probably a self-esteem thing with most of them.

BAIT ME!, you asked the question "WHY GO THRU ALL THIS EMOTIONAL TROUBLE WITH ME TO KEEP ME." Because you are a sure thing and convenient. That guy isn't looking right now for the type of relationship you want. Move on, kiddo.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Girl advice --- when she won't take the hint!
Posted: 2/16/2008 11:28:50 PM

The funniest part is why ME?? Aim your standards a little higher girl! LOL. There are much more attractive guys out there LMAO.
Hell, sweetie! If I was back in college, I would think you were pretty darned hot! Shoot, I might just high-tail it over to your college and follow you around myself! Hehehe... J/K, darlin'! Seriously, if you want the women on this site to think there are more attractive guys out there, you are going to have to take your photo off your profile and put a bad one up there. You're a cutie!

To respond to your original post..... well, I think I can see why she hasn't had a boyfriend in her entire life, and I don't think it has to do with her looks. If this is how she approaches a guy, I'm sure every one of them have either shot or hanged himself to get away from her. Not a good idea. Yep, I think she has a crush on you. Yep, she doesn't respond to hints. Yep, she'll probably continue doing this unless you just ask her to stop following you around. Good luck with this!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
lying about your age
Posted: 2/16/2008 11:17:14 PM
I agree completely with InNEOwithGEO. Why would I want to start out a potential relationship with dishonesty? Lying about my age, my height, my size, my self-esteem, my ANYTHING is grounds for immediate termination of the relationship when the other person finds out. Deceit about anything makes me wonder what else that person is lying about. HarleyKat said it really well.

I have talked with both male and female friends who said they had met people who had lied about something they considered significant, hoping that the person would overlook the attribute lied about once they "got to know them." To me that's a sign that the liar is completely uncomfortable with himself or herself and feels they can only attract someone if they portray themselves as something they are not. Self-esteem issue, big time, IMHO.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
rude or brave pick up?
Posted: 2/16/2008 11:03:48 PM

I said, I give him credit for trying but since I was occupied and on the phone, I had no idea he was hitting on me at first and found it odd that he pursued me while was on the phone.
Girlfriend, you were leaving! He knew it was his only chance to catch your attention. The fact that he gave you his business card was a way he could do that while minimizing the negative impact on your telephone call. He gets some points in my book.

Rude? That would have been him grabbing your phone from your hand, telling your friend she had a wrong number and ending your call so he had your undivided attention. Now THAT'S rude!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Honest question
Posted: 2/16/2008 10:44:33 PM

The profile I have now has been, by far, THE MOST effective profile I have ever tried for online dating. I've tried everything...deep, sensitive, romantic profiles, short, funny profiles, etc etc. My profile makes me sound like a completely arrogant prick (which I am not...mostly), but it DOES attract women. Unfortunately, they tend to not be the type I'm interested in. Oh well.
Wow, what a catch-22! Portray yourself as a prick and you attract all the kinds of women you don't want. Portray yourself as a deep, sensitive, romantic guy and you attract a lot fewer. I would rather a man portray himself positively as WHO HE REALLY IS than doctor it up so that it attracts more women. Besides, is this supposed to be a numbers game, really?

There is a man on this site whom I met years ago. We saw each other a few times back then, but there was nothing serious between us and he wasn't looking for anything serious back then. Not a problem. Imagine my surprise when he messaged me here. I checked out his profile and he stated he is seeking a long-term relationship with a wonderful woman. Hmmmm. When he started talking about getting together, I asked him about the "long-term relationship" thing on his profile. His response to me? "Oh, I just put that there because that's what the women want to see. All I want to do is get laid." I spotted his profile again recently (we stopped chatting, in part because our relationship goals are different) and he has gotten even more mushy in it. I felt sad to see that because he is clearly misrepresenting himself and being manipulative. But he would tell you that his current profile is more likely to get him some sex. *SIGH*
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Honest question
Posted: 2/16/2008 10:24:07 PM

Remember all those women who don't respond to your emails are still going to be waiting for their prince charming years from now, long after we're gone. Average Joe, we're all Average Joe otherwise we wouldn't be here.
I disagree. I see the whole gamut of people here, both men and women. I'm sure people often look at pictures of other people and think "Wow, he's drop-dead gorgeous! What's his problem that he's here?" Or: "Damn, she's absolutely gorgeous! Why can't she get a date?" I think lots of people are just tired of other venues to meet people. I work full-time with clients whom I can not date (not that I would want to, given my field) due to my code of ethics. And I don't frequent bars or clubs. That limits me to venues like museums, volunteer work (which I don't do because I volunteer enough of my extra time at my job) and dating sites.

There are also lots of absolutely strikingly beautiful people here who may get tons of email but still may not find the person who fits what they are looking for. They may not be seeking a "Prince (or Princess) Charming," but the person who best fits their needs. We all have our preferences and we have the right to seek the person who best fits those preferences. Everybody needs to prepare themselves for some degree of rejection when they subscribe to a website like this.... it goes with the territory. But dating in general involves rejection. Not everyone is meant to be with everyone else.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Confusion About His Motive
Posted: 2/16/2008 9:32:39 PM

perhaps he thinks if he lets you go, you will want to stay..... he is giving you the freedom to make choices and in the mean time is there for you.
You say you are newly divorced. He's been single for 9 years. So he's giving you the opportunity to have a look around to see what's on offer. He's already had this time and is happy with you. How good does it get? He sounds like a very honourable, mature and patient man. Lucky you!
I completely agree with Dancing_Fool. I can't add anything to her response that she didn't already say, and eloquently!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Should I forgive him?
Posted: 2/16/2008 9:22:31 PM
Wow, lots of stuff here. I agree with many of the other folks.... you are having trouble communicating with him. If you haven't already done so, I would encourage you to tell him in no uncertain terms that it's important to you that he remembers days that are special to you, such as the holidays, your birthday, etc. Then ask him what his honest take is on what you just said to him. Feel free to point out some of the things you have seen him do and heard him say. And yes, you have every right to be confused about his "Do as I say, not as I do" message to his son. However, some people are better parents that partners.

Men tend to be more likely to define themselves in terms of their careers and will often put their relationships second at best (they may not see it that way, but their female partners often do... sorry, guys). But this man is 65 years old and he hasn't even started to make the "shift" that tends to come as men age. You stated:
I'm a people too
True, but he sees you as a different kind of "people." Perhaps he has a need to be a hero to needy people who have little else, and he puts you into a totally different category. My guess is that he simply does not know how to be in a relationship. Maybe he is using his work to keep you at bay, while keeping you close by telling you he loves you. That's crazy-making behavior.... mixed messages.

Many moons ago I ended a relationship with a man, telling him I could no longer live with him putting me into the margins of his life, waiting for him to toss a crumb or two of compassion my way and to set aside 30-40 minutes from his month to see me. He was floored and he made a multitude of excuses to try to make me feel lucky I got any time with him at all. That sealed my decision to end it. Sad, sad, sad.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 46 (view)
 
What men and women seek and expect?
Posted: 2/16/2008 8:27:23 PM

JORO, I was agreeing with you. People are like Christmas packages. I have received some of the most elegantly wrapped packages and opened up the gift and was greatly disappointed. Again, I have received some average packages and found the most wonderous of gifts inside.....Some people are more interested in the wrapping than the gift.
Beautifully worded, [B]outofthedesert[/B]! And very true. The very best outcome for any of us is when the wrapping is beautiful to us and the gift inside is even more pleasing.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Is it normal to be worried about ur gf going out??
Posted: 2/16/2008 8:14:08 PM

I can't speak for everyone, but I would be somewhat worried. Not because I didn't trust her, but because I wouldn't be going out without her, why should she be going out without me?
Wow, Cowboypirate, do you expect that you should be your girlfriend's only social outlet? I enjoy time with my girlfriends, no matter where that might be, whether I am in or out of a significant relationship. AND.... I have never cheated, either on a past boyfriend or on my husband when I was married. Period.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Too young to be getting old
Posted: 2/16/2008 10:35:57 AM

Where I live, in the country, there isn't much to go by. You either have bar type people, bikers, farmers or home bodies. Although I drink a beer once in a while, I'm not a bar type person. I have biker friends, but that isn't my life style. My life is spent driving a truck for 2-3 weeks at a time which I then go home to take care of business. When I do go out, my choices are very limited because of where I live.
My heart goes out to you, Starline. You are SOOOOO right. I used to live in a small central Iowa town and thought I was going to go out of my mind. A really big night involved grabbing a couple of my girlfriends and driving 50 miles one way to go to a disco in Des Moines, for God's sake!!! In my 30's I moved to Phoenix because I really needed to be in or near a large city. It was the best thing I did for myself. Here there are so many more things to do here than I could have ever experienced back in Ogden, IA. And I have many male and female friends in my age category. All my best to you!
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Is this a normal lifestyle for a 65 year old?
Posted: 2/16/2008 10:27:50 AM
I guess this is a "normal lifestyle" for a lot of people, regardless of their age. My mother is in her early 80's and she has been just sitting around, doing essentially nothing waiting (and praying) to die for many years, since my stepfather died. For her, the issue centered around the fact that my mother never had any independent pursuits / interests / hobbies in her life. Everything she did in her life was dictated by the wants of her parents, my father, us kids (when we were growing up) and then my stepfather. My mother has never known who she is and she still doesn't. I'm sad about that and I'm grateful everyday that I do have my personal life and interests. I hope I keep those well into my old age and that they keep me going strong.

On the other hand, some people find their comfort levels and like it there. For some people that's watching TV and going to the same old restaurants everyday. For others, that's traveling around the world.
 DesertLioness
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Hairs the story...
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:15:39 AM

Funny you should say that...about him going bald. He regularly shaves his head even though he knows she doesn't like it. I have always thought him to be a control freak and I think that is what did it...he had no control/say in it.
Looks like you pegged him, naughtical! Really big double-standard with this guy, obviously. Her hairstyle is not about whether he wants he to do it or not. It's about what she wants for herself. And God forbid she should want to do something new for herself! Keep us posted on whether he comes back and begs for her forgiveness, OK?
 
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