Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

          

Show ALL Forums
Posted In Forum:

Home   login   MyForums  
 
 Author Thread: My journey from being a Nice Guy
 beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 57 (view)
 
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/26/2013 12:32:17 AM
Well stated. I used "nice guy" in quotes because I wasn't a nice guy at all. I manipulated people and most importantly myself. I lived to please and put other's needs, especially women, before my own. For those of the "nice guys" getting angry about this thread, honestly, take a look at yourself. Is everything you are doing genuine or is it because you hope to use the other person?

You can tell the "nice guys" in this thread that instantly jump to a straw man argument. You know who you are. Just because I'm not a "nice guy" anymore doesn't mean I turned into an arrogant prick. Realistically, it's a minor yet difficult change in attitude.

A "nice guy" may very well be attractive to certain women, though, you need to realize just what kind of person you are probably going to attract. The most blatantly obvious would be a "user." What easier prey than a "nice guy" just waiting to dote on her hand and foot? And you come running because, look, there's a princess that needs help. Then, when she burns you up, leaves you high and dry, you can fall back on the, "I treated her so well, I just don't understand what happened?" I know, I've been there! Now imagine you were more assertive, you called her out on her bullshit, you didn't put up with it. How fast would you realize that a woman like that is not for you?

I understand it is tough to put yourself out there, the fear of rejection amongst friends let alone the opposite sex is a giant leap. Though, if you can do it, I assure you that you will see just what being a "nice guy" has done to your social, family, and professional life.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 31 (view)
 
First Date Planning
Posted: 3/22/2013 6:51:49 PM
You can have anything you want here baby but... it has to be off the dollar menu. What? I'm on a budget.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
 
how to meet guys in your mid twenties?
Posted: 3/21/2013 11:42:12 PM
Bars, bookstores, library, grocery store, anywhere with an sort of human interaction? Don't be afraid to just strike up a random conversation with anyone. Men- possible dating or I bet he has friends. Other female friends are never a bad thing and will open up new activities and new people. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Should I keep pursuing this, or is she just not interested?
Posted: 3/21/2013 11:35:21 PM
Don't. If you really liked someone would you cancel every time they mentioned plans? Move on.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
My journey from being a Nice Guy
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:45:20 PM
Go ahead and google it. It won't come up other than here.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 13 (view)
 
I told my friend i was in love with her...
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:35:41 PM
STOP!

You destroyed it as soon as you called and left her voice messages. This will be extremely difficult to hear but you need to take a step back and walk away. You're showing weakness and vulnerability, two weak traits that people do not enjoy. Stand up for yourself, enjoy your time alone. You don't need to "walk through hoops" for this woman. If you want her to come back you need to show her that you are worth coming back to. Constantly calling her or texting her will NOT do that. She has to want to be with you, you can't beg her to be with you.
 Beatlesnerd
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 1 (view)
 
My journey from being a "Nice Guy"
Posted: 3/21/2013 9:12:04 PM
Long story short, at least until I get into the details. I've been the typical "Nice Guy" for so long and I thought I'd never get away from it. I've lost relationships being much too accommodating and rarely standing up for myself. Four months ago, after my last relationship ended, I decided it was time for a change. I'd no longer be a pushover running to a woman's aid. I'd let my sarcasm and crassness get me the respect that I deserved. After the initial recovery phase I decided to put my new personality forward.

It started out slowly, standing up for myself was something I wan't used to or good at. The biggest piece of advice I can give here is to fake it until you make it. I can't say I became a non-nice guy very quickly. I had to take a stand against, friends, family, and people I work with. Mostly, I had to gain their respect. Showing someone your true colors after being a chameleon your entire adult life is a difficult thing after all and not everyone will continue to like you afterwards. I lost friends during this process but realized that they never really got to see the true me ever so they only had this concept of how well I could blend. It hurt at first but I realized that I was making new friends, people who actually saw who I was, and respected me for it. True friendships and true bonds. I held off worrying about dating whatsoever until I knew that I had the confidence to go on.

The next step was to start doing things that would make me happy and to start taking risks. I've always played life safely and by the rules and to be perfectly honest, I was boring. I didn't have any crazy stories other than a few college drinking days and little to no life experiences. I immediately started to take risks. I went sky diving, jumped off the strat tower in Vegas, bungee jumped, anything with an adrenaline rush. I started geocaching for exercise and fun. I started saying yes to things I never would have ever imagined doing.

Thirdly, I started to take care of myself. I swore off of soda and focused on low-cal and no-cal drinks. I've lost 25 lbs since I started working out and eating healthier. I still have about 40 pounds to go but I now have the confidence to know that I can do it. I bought new clothes that actually fit, hit the racks at tj maxx or marshall's and started to present myself better while on a budget. I stopped neglecting my hair, learned to use styling products and wearing just the right amount of decent cologne.

After doing all these things I noticed that women started to smile at me, they'd hold eye contact... I was finally able to catch glances. I learned to speak with women, how to flirt, how to not give into their demands. I learned to chase and pull back to play the game of attraction. I've always been funny and quick with a sharp response in my head but as a nice guy I would hold back. I learned to let these thoughts out because I finally had confidence to realize that if someone didn't like me for me they weren't worth my time. It used to take me months to attract a woman, now I was doing it in a night or a couple of days.

I learned to not be afraid of fitting in, that there are hundreds of people I come across a day that share my interests. I learned not to settle. I got a promotion by being straightforward and with new ideas against the common grain. I went from being a slight extrovert to a full fledged in your face with attitude man. Not arrogant, not****, not an a-hole, but demanding what I wanted and taking leadership. I learned to overcome fear. And most importantly I learned to be happy with myself.

I won't get much into what this has done for my sex life other than saying it has made it dramatically better. I have the confidence to take control, to actually make a woman want me. It's led me into the beginning of a great relationship actually founded on two equal people and where I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and take control without being controlling.

I know this is long but I wanted to give power to all those "Nice Guys" out there that you too can make a change. You can stop trying to please everyone around you and can please yourself. You can gain confidence, respect, and admiration without being everyone's emotional dumping ground. Stand up for yourself, what you believe in, and take control of your life.

I seek no admiration or strokes of my ego for this post. In fact I'd prefer if that didn't happen at all. This is just simply advice to help other men that are in a situation that I was in.
 
Show ALL Forums