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 Author Thread: Dating a Single Mother - Advice
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Dating a Single Mother - Advice
Posted: 11/19/2009 12:53:23 AM
I would like to think every person wants to be adored totally, but realistically, as you say, as she has to make time for her son, you may have something you may have to commit to, or straighten out.

Do you know her before she asked you out? and the big question is can you settle for being a raincheck? for not being number one in her life? ask her if she' ok if she's not number one in your life, because it should go both ways.

I would say to date her for 6 months without her son involved. See how the relationship goes, and see how she's commiting the time and space to be with you. it also applies to you since you said you haven't taken the time lately to commit to a woman. Can't say that most couples devote themselves, if they do have kids eventually, the focus does shift. Also, other than expecting you to adore her totally, what does she have expectation for you in her child's life? know the parenting lifestyle, because if it varies completely, it does affect the relationship.

If you have things going on though, perhaps it's best to take things slow, she's asking you out on a date, not on a relationship. take it slow and casual, nothing wrong with starting as friends while you get situated with what's going on with your life, you wouldn't want more drama than you need right?
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Dear God Not That One Again!
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:44:46 AM
hmm, I would definitely say Caillou and Dora, lucky my daughter didn't watch dora much, but something about those big eyes looking at you, seems stalking, i think they've gone too far, now they have an adult dora to play with, give me a break! And caillou, hmm aren't we suppose to be teaching our kids not to whine and sound like a baby? And why is he bald while his family has hair and has a bigger head then the rest?
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How far would you go?
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:35:07 AM
why not ask your younger son to stay over his friend and be picked up by you when you can come pick him up? arrange an appointment as early as possible while he starts school. You would know the maturity of your teenager, since you feel he's not to be left alone, then either you have to arrange a babysitter or you take him with you to the appointment.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Dating advice for a single mom..
Posted: 9/23/2009 1:12:08 AM
I hear you, I myself have a busy schedule with not much time to myself but i chose that. since I'm not ready to date, I dont' mind not having 'me time' once in a while it would be nice, but with the economy these days, I have to put that on hold anyhow.

My suggestion, just don't have expectations on dating, just go out and meet new friends, start with joining a group of single parents, and interact. it's a good way to get support and network. perhaps if you find one or two people to connect to through that, you can trade sitting, while the other goes out. You should find yourself time before doing that for a date. otherwise you're just using y our date as a crutch to have alone time.

Find out what you want, and what you are willing to compromise before even looking to date. I personally feel a relationship work best if it's balance and both contribute to taking the time to be with the other. While you may expect your potential date to not be placed first, you should expect where would you place him on line, if he's in the bottom of the ladder, is it worth dating?

No problem in casual dating, but once you really want to make more time, you should then change your perpective of what makes you happy, and how you can arrange things so everone is happy as well.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Sick parent - Healthy child
Posted: 9/22/2009 1:58:00 AM
When my daughter was 9 months old, i had the stomach flu, tough part was getting up, so i just had her in bed with me, while i had toys that are appropriate for her, and maybe a show on, Then I'd get up, which sucked, but did it so she can get some food. I am blessed that she's laidback and self-reliant that she didnt' need my constant attention. Knowing I was near, was enough for her to feel comfort. When you have some energy, you should just lay back and relax on the floor and play with her, or just lay down while a show is on for her to be entertained for a bit. Make sure both of you get plenty of fluids and vitamin C
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Mommy Where's Daddy??
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:08:58 AM
futureshock you'd be shocked how some parents aren't much involved in their kids' lives whether it's two years or more. My ex hasn't even seen my daughter much less hold her.

My daughter is three in a half, she would call my friend's bf a daddy, so for period of time she did this with a few guys, so i corrected her and told her that she doesn't have a daddy but has a mommy and list family members. it's important to emphases those that are around her that loves her, so that she's not focused on someone that's not there but those that are in her life.

I feel telling a child that their parent loves them yet isnt' in the picture at all is sending mixed signals. After all if you love someone why dont' you spend time with them, why is there no effort to be involved?
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I think I screwed up...
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:30:35 PM
lol i meant in real life. But perhaps he tried to say it in a way that she caught his attention and he wants her to k now it.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
x goes on holiday for the sake of his kids? right or wrong
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:23:30 PM
Tell her she can do better, and both need to have trust and a good self esteem to the point where they can't control where the other goes. That's kinda interesting with his outlook cuz they are a nonfamily since they are no longer together with him and his ex, yet i can see how he likes to have a family setting once in awhile with their mom and dad to see that they can do things together.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Why are single moms so open to having additional children by another man?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:19:39 PM
op, have you asked this question to your sister, since obviously as you say you come from a mom/dad relationship with good upbringing?

It does take a good person to accept someone else's child as their own and to make sure that they are treated equal. You did ask how you can treat them equal, which would mean that they would pretty much be treated like their own child with no exceptions. Following the same rules, guidelines, giving the same amount of attention, and not spoiling one over the other. And it takes a bigger person that if the relationship doesn't work to continue their relationship with the nonbiological child. While yes there are some that give up once a relationship ends, perhaps you need to ask them who aren't involved with that, why not ask your sister's ex why he doesn't make an effort after the breakup? Perhaps the mom doesn't want him involved in the nonbio child.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Why are single moms so open to having additional children by another man?
Posted: 7/10/2009 12:13:17 PM

I am not open to having children fathered by any men other than my daughter's father. We may never marry, and may eventually be done with each other romantically, (I hope the opposite, but we'll see), but I know that there are too many questions to be had.


I had a friend with this type of belief, and guess what, her marriage is crumbling, she talks down on her husband, her husband is codependent on her while he flirts wiht women at work, they both have an obsession with each other wanting to know where they are at, don't want them tot alk to the opposite sex at times. And while they have a son together, while she complains that he doesn't help much with fathering the son, she knitpicks at him when he does, because in her eyes, he's not doing it right. Fighting constantly around their son, to the point involving a hole in a wall or two, and her having a bruise on her arm. and she wants to bring another child into the mess. While they are dealing with the on/off divorce thing. When she's on, she says, I married him for better or for worse, I'll put up with him to save this marriage, so she can have another child, after all she could have it worse than what she has.

I call it crazy to want to bring a child with someone if that relationship is rocky and an unhealthy relationship from the getgo. Perhaps you don't have this with your ex, perhaps what you are dealing with are very minor issues, but you also need to reflect why the relationshp didn't work out and if you can deal with those issues even if they can't be resolved. It's better to be a single parent if one is happy and it's a stable, healthy environment for the child.

And people do change over period of time, I think pregnancy and having a child can have an affect on a relationship, while some couples/marriages endure even with facing obstacles of not having enough quality time together prior to having a child, perspectives in lives change. Priority changes. While perhaps some thought having a child in the picture would be a happy, perfect setting, it may have changed after having the baby since it requires a lot of work and attention on the baby rather than on the person or on the couple itself. I'm sure there'd be less divorces or split up couples if both make the contribution and effort to make it worse. But yes in today's society, some give up sooner than later because it's convenient, and they dont' want to deal with the pressure or responsibility of a family.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
I think I screwed up...
Posted: 7/10/2009 11:20:03 AM
I think you're worrying over nothing, he probably doesn't check the forums, much less single parents nor with other people in town. if anything if he reads this, he needs to respect someone's privacy.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
I think I screwed up...
Posted: 7/10/2009 1:06:32 AM
I don't care if it's a small town, it's stalkish. It 's creepy to have him call and say oh by the way you have such and such over and you're wearing this type of shirt. I don't care how bored a person may be in a small town, there's still entertainment out there, online somewhere to talk about than talking about one's comings and goings. I would just keep your distance, it's not just yourself you have to worry about, he may ask info from your child.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
The idea of a single dad..?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:39:36 PM
You should get some type of criteria to the type of woman you'd like to date, I would think high on that list is being responsible for one self, meaning that you should date those who have a good steady job where they can be independent and relying on the date to always pay. Be creative and go for dates that is somewhat free. i don't believe that the guy you date should always pay for everything, and it's too bad that a lot of people feel that way. But before you date someone you should find out a bit of their personality, such as being high maintenance, what they expect their man to be. if you tell them that you're tight on money, would they have a problem footing the bill? if they are uncomfortable with answering, or don't know what to say, then they aren't the type to be with you if things go down.

but since you are going to school, and raising a child, do you really have time to focus on dating seriously anyhow?
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Children's safety...
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:16:31 PM
just put the blame on her if her kids have to wait longer than needed while they get the paperwork situated. I would think your bf can call and access this information if he has joint legal so he can get permission without the ex.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
need opinions on kids treatment at dads house
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:01:44 PM
^^^she did but her kids got the brunt of it when the judge favored her ex.

glad the kids are no longer in their sick presence, it's too bad taht it took so long, I hope your kids get some good counseling for a few years, dont' stop it, I'm sure it's a few years worth of needing to talk out and letting it go, which is hard when verbal/mental abuse.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Time Magazine Cover Story Unfaithfully Yours Why do couples break up?
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:40:39 PM
Yes, people marry too soon, what's the reason, they're in looooove. Or the guy knocked up the girl. Then once they have kids, the priorities shift, and the other parent can't stand being second or third.

And I think some couples do stay for the sake of the kids, I've had a few friends like that, and they end up miserable, and fighting around the kids. So martying yourself for the sake of th ekids isn't a good thing unless the couple goes for counseling and they both seek to resolve the issues.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Interracial dating & single parents
Posted: 7/6/2009 4:10:33 PM
With me being half asian, half caucasian, I look more white than asian, so i put myself as white. Anyhow. I have a chinese friend who'se aunt is white while her uncle was chinese, her family loves her and think nothing of her being white while her husband is chinese,and they've been married for 30+ years.

While some asian families have an old fashioned mindset and prefer their own dating their own race, I would think some would be open minded to welcoming a different race as long as their son is happy and loved.

Don't worry on what other people think and live your life like that, otherwise you'll miss out.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Not a parent ... but welcome the advice
Posted: 7/6/2009 3:22:16 PM
some members already gave you good input, my thoughts were similar as in:

he's not setting any rules, thus the kids are unruly, kids need rules to give them structure, by him looking at the time and hoping the time comes for them to be picked up speaks loud. Kids do adjust and they know which rules they are to follow in each house, problem is that since they arew with their dad, they feel they can get away with everything.

also along with what carolann has said, how much time is he having alone with the kids? how often are you there? How are they when you're not around, the unruly can also stem from seeking attention. does he call them midweek so he can get more interaction with them? if not,encourage him to do so to establish a better relationship with the kids.

Are you even clear of what his parenting skill beliefs are? and have you voiced what you like? such as how you would discipline a child if he/she doesn't follow the rules, and giving time out?

I think if not at his place, they should at least follow your rules at your home, afterall it's your house, and it's not right for them to disturb it. but make sure you go over with your bf on the rules. If he doesn't guide them in the rules and don't discipline them a few times, then you should say something to the kids. and if nothing is settled, then you should really rethink if he's someone you want to be with. Or see him when he doesn't have the kids.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
When do they have a right to know the truth?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:47:09 PM
I don't think you need to tell her all the truth but you do need to know that some of the things he has spoken about that she should ask on both sides rather than one sided. For all he's doing, is he's trying to brainwash her so that maybe he can change the custody arrangements?

I would talk to her about the things he talks down to her about you, he may not be phsyically abusive to her, but he is verbally and mentally abusing her and that could be just as bad, they stay longer in her mind/feelings for longer than a bruise.

I also hope she understands why you have to work, and she has it good to have you 4 days out of 7, where most parents have to work 5 days, and the kids only see them a few hours a day in the week and the full days over the weekend.

how does she handle the sitting in a chair all day? and the struct rules that he has, at some point, it's going to be ingrained in her to think it's normal and she may do it later on.

definitely seek a counselor on this.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Time Magazine Cover Story Unfaithfully Yours Why do couples break up?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:29:11 PM
there are many factors to why a marriage breaks apart:

first among them I believe is:

communication, they don't talk about the issues that causes the marriage to work, and have the issues resolve.

lack of effort: after period of time,couples start relying on each other's schedule, that usually remains the same, they don't do the honeymoon date night and so forth as they did in the beginning, no random, spontaneous acts of dating or romance, it becomes stagnant. Which may bring one partner to be less interested in sex, to be less initiating. Which brings to boredom, and they seek an outlet to help it . Also if they aren't getting hte communication, and if they aren't resolving the lack of sex, and the other person isn't bothered to want sex, then he/she will seek it elsewhere to feel wanted.

lack of commitment; person may be bored and they want a thrill of a chase, so they seek elsewhere to get variety. both couples don't commit to do things differently in their sex life and to help nourish the love they have for each other, over period of time, it's just there, and they do their own thing and they accept that.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Do I let him take the kids?
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:15:55 PM
get an agreement with the visitation, and put the dates you request having the kids there. then have it notorized.

If he feels frustrated, you can ask him to bring the kids back, at some time you will have to let him have the kids for awhile. it may be best to do it when his parents are there to help out. does his parents know of his anger issues? if so then you ask them to take over with the kids while the ex does something else to calm him down.

And have you talked to your son about what he does that causes his dad to be mad? While the ex may need help with his anger issues, your son does to, since they are both battling it out. tell your son to listen and respect his dad and stop doing what he's doing to cause his dad to be mad. if it's something he can't help if he has a disability then that's something he can't change or control and your ex needs to know that and yelling and screaming wont' stop it.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Single Dad Raising an 11 Year Boy Alone
Posted: 7/3/2009 3:52:18 PM
I don't see how raising a son is easier than raising a teenage daughter. Both will be curious about sex. The boy will lure the girl to have sex, but isn't it parent's responsiblity to make sure they respect girls to not seduce the girl and then call her a name because she has sex? Isn't it usually the guy who pursues sex? Either way we have to raise them with teaching them about values and educating them on the sex and consequences as well as the emotions that come along with it.

i hope you at least got an unlimited plan for the phone for your son. that way the text charge/phone won't be skyhigh on your phone bill.

you should talk to him about sex, and dont' feel embarrased so he can go to you and talk to you. nowadays, i guess in the news, there is more increase of sextext where late teens send pics of their nude body to others. *note to myself, don't get a camera option for when my daughter is a teenager lol* you need to let him know that's inappropriate and it may get sent elsewhere and he can get into trouble if he goes that route. make sure you tell him to use condoms as protection always but let him know they aren't 100% safe. so he should wait awhile otherwise he may have more responsibilities then he's ready for.

you can't control him on when he does sex but youc an at least educate him about consequences and risks.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Hang in there sweetie
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:58:18 PM
take a long break from dating, and figure out what you want in yourself, and when you found that, then find out what you want in a guy and stick to that but work a little bit around it, research on finding out the signs of a controlling, abusive person. if you cant' seek counseling through the hospital, go to church, surround yourself in a positive environment, it will help you , even if you don't believe in God, it's still a good place for them to help you in some ways. If you find yourself dating guys like these, hello, wakeup call, find yourself first. Don't settle for these type of guys, heal your self esteem, once you have the confidence of not putting up with abuse, then they will steer away from you.

as for your family, it's hard to say no, but you need to draw the line, rather than take advantage of you.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Should I?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:45:51 PM
some parents don't appreciate being a parent till they see it slipping away. Eh, i'll give him benefit of the doubt, at his age he's not ready to settle down, just have fun and be wild. But ya he needs to grow up.

If you feel strongly that you want there to be connection, you can always request a supervised visit, so baby isn't alone with him? and document each visit.

have child support garnished from bank account. then he has no choice but to work
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
What would it take to ask an adult child to move out?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:32:59 PM
When my daughters comes of age, I will let her know that she is to pay for some of her schooling so that she can take school seriously and not flake out, it's after all her money she's wasting if she withdraws or does bad in school. I'd also encourage her to go to junior college versus univ/college so she can figure out what she wants to do without wasting a lot of money either by switching majors or withdrawing. Junior college would cover most of the basic things that is required for 2 years anyways.

IMO, I think giving some kids free school won't show responsiblity, considering they h ave had it most of their life that they had free school covered, either in private or public. by making them have pay for some of the schooling show htem to take school more serious. parents can either use the money the kids give to them in a savings account or cover the cost of rent or bills.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Single parent brag!
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:15:20 PM
yes,d ropped teh full coverage, grrr. figured what are the chances of me getting into an accident and have the car totalled on my end. lesson learned lol, it was really the front of the end that was damanged but not worth to fix since that's the value of the car in itself.

how sweet to get your own land and start a house from scratch! make sure you pamper yourself and get a big bathtub to soak in ;o)
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Relationships and Problem kids
Posted: 7/1/2009 2:50:58 PM
Yes, that's a good idea, but the issue is will your potential gf allow it and follow the rules. it's one thing for her to direct op's daughter to follow it, she may give except to hers. After all, some parents tolerate the behavior of their own kids versus someone else's child.

Op, are her kids behave this way only at their house, or it's the same if they are at your house/ could be they are laying territory over their house and feel your daughter is intruding and try to remind her of that? Not to mention their mother may not be that strict in having them follow her rules and they run over her. so you will have to consider if this is something you can overlook because if you're the only one going to follow the rules and she wont', then it will drive you and your daughter crazy.

even though you both have kids full time, you need to both try to make time away and spend that alone. perhaps for a while you need to do that to create space for the kids.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Single parent brag!
Posted: 7/1/2009 2:42:31 PM
Having a car paid off is sooo nice! Ironically I had just had my car paid off, with it being paid on my own, and love the car, it got totalled with my daughter, nephew, and I in it, luckily we were safe from harm, but the car wasn't. I then had to use my mom's car and take over the payment, high payment for 3 years. And in March 2010, it will be paid off!
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
what should i do about my sons terrible father
Posted: 6/30/2009 1:03:11 PM
I"m not sure why you can't get full custody with no visitation/or sole custody on the grounds of drug use and abuse. I wiould think if youc an prove that you can provide for your child, and have a backup, such as your mother, I would think it could be done.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Teenagers..Advice Please
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:23:10 PM
OP, have you talked toh er about emotions and how she cant use sex to boost her self esteem or her past issues won't be resolved that way? it may be a good way to open her eyes and see that she can get far in life if she sets some goals and work on her past issues so it doesn't dig deep for years.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
single mom and the sex talk.....
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:15:12 PM
sorry futureshock,I speed read and misread what you said.

I like what someone else wrote on keeping them very active with things to do to keep their mind busy. another thing is to put them in some type of activity where they teach on morals/values such as church, boy scouts/girl scouts so they are in a positive environment and encourage them to feel acceptance and belonging, which may help some teens to wait on sex.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
single mom and the sex talk.....
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:51:16 PM
by high school though, they should know about sex, so i fyou delay it, that may do more harm than good. kids will talk to other kids, watch movies on it, but the least information they will get is the consequences of sex. ANd not to mention by that stage, teenagers will listen more to their friends than their elders because "they don't understand" kind of attitude.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
single mom and the sex talk.....
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:48:13 PM
nope,but I just did,thanks that is some nice info lol.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
single mom and the sex talk.....
Posted: 6/29/2009 2:25:09 PM
watch Transformers, the first movie, there's a part where the mother and son talk about masturbation. lol

futureshock,i would think think that daughters are also talked about sex and so forth, probably more earlier than the boys. But both should be aware of being protected and provide for it. I think that in itself is a contraversial issue, some parents feel by providing condoms, you condone it. While others may feel if you provide them, then you teach them about responsibility if they do have sex. While you can assure them that they should wait til they are older and responsible for it, that wont' stop them from having sex if they are with someone and things get out of hand.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
taking care of a newborn
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:30:59 PM
If you have her part time,why can't you take care of the things you need to when you don't have her? and minimize what you dowhen you are with her. time is precious, enjoy it while you can because babies gradually change faces and go through different likings.

check out flylady.com, it helps plan things and reminds you to do certain chores.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
single mom and the sex talk.....
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:04:08 PM
Whether it is comfortable or not, it's normal to explore your body and see what it does. Shake off feeling embarrased and realize that you can help influence him to be a responsible person even when it comes to sex. Talk about the don't have sex til you're older, etc won't work, better to inform than not and then they come home either saying they got a girl pregnant or got an std. Not to mention, you want your child to go to you about anything and if you feel embarrased or don't talk much, your child will assume you dont' want to know about it so will do his own thing.

there should be a forum on this topic, perhaps youc an find a book that helps talk about sex, i know i found one in the library.

i'd give him condoms just to have them, it's a godo way to be prepared of responsibility.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
taking care of a newborn
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:53:21 PM
You said your bf helps out, and it still doesn't make you a single parent just because he doesn't help out. And if you have another child, then you should really know what you're doing with a newborn since you have already gone through the process, not judging, just stating a fact that you have gone through that stage before.

newborns sleep a lot, so those are good times to do things that you can take care of, like calling or doing light chores. Get a baby monitor if you haven't already to be aware of her if she wakes up while you're in the middle of something.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I have a feeling I will end up with a single mom.
Posted: 6/26/2009 12:28:35 AM
You're not seeling yoruself short if that is your preference. But don't assume that most single moms are independent and mature. There are single women who can be that way too but it also depend on what they are looking for in life and preference.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Would You Date a Women with 6 children?
Posted: 6/26/2009 12:23:19 AM
You only get stitched up if there's a tear. The vagina stretches 10 cm to prepare to have baby out, so it's not like the baby comes out and make s a gap, and it has nothing to do with how much baby weighs. And for all you know, OP could have had a csection, which then would make it insigifnicant if she's loose down there.

In another comment, you mention how so many men arent' involved in the wives' lives with the kids, ever thought that some of them dont' make an effort to initiate in being active in helping around the house and taking care of baby? While I do agree that couples should make time for each other, it takes two people to make that effort and cooperate so they can make the time. If both pitch in to take care of baby, the faster they can spend time togther, heck that is time together as well.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:15:10 PM
But the problemis that these sick perverts are either family members/close friends,so it has to reach a certain point of trust that they can get away with it. It's really sad that we have to educate our kids at such a young age that certain places are not to be touched and so forth. And you can't trust your insticts,because if a child's father can do this to their own child, then it's really truly sad and shocking that anyone can do this.

Op,perhaps there are books to help talk to yoru child about this and help you recognize signals/signs of someone being a predator?

but again i stress out the focus should be on how to heal her wounds before it gets tot he point, when she's a teenager she'll feel it's okto be phsyically/sexually abused by someone. You may not know how long this has been occuring, and to the point where your daughter feels this is normal behavior to do so.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Should I put up with it for the sake of our daughter, or not?
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:06:57 PM
Is it legal to video tape conversations? If so, record each time you guys talk, so that it's documented, and perhaps that will deter him to stop the verbal abuse. If you have his verbal/mental abuse recorded and show it to court, will they recognize that as abuse so it would go more in your favor?

Can you request anger management course, if you go that route, you may have to do the class too. Another problem may not just be him, but a control issue that both of you have. I understand that you have the right to tell him that you dont' want to talk or have him only in one room, yet in his eyes, he'll see that as controling him, and he tries to force his control over you.

Could you have a friend/family member there when your daughter is picked up so that he can't argue without a witness there? NOt to mention there for your daughter if it escalates to arguing/yelling to help calm her.

It seems to me that the counseling isn't working for him and this method isn't working since he's not on the same page as you. How long have you done counseling? Could you do a pyschic evaluation on him since counseling isn't helping him resolve issues? That way you can determine to see if he has any disorders that may explain his behaviors and it's documented for safety of your daughter.

I have to say I agree with package after reading your first message. yes, as parents, we feel our kids can go to us, but sometimes they don't, if they did,there probably less physical/sexual abuse. Even if he told you the times he has physically disciplined her, there could be times he has punished her without telling you, such as time when she was a toddler where she couldn't talk. Now, there's three things that I thought of when I read this, your daughter may feel it's normal for her to be hit by her dad so doesn't tell you; she hits him because he has hit her often to the point where she feels it's ok for her to hit, it has to have happened more than a few times for her to feel it's ok.

IMO, if CAS was involved and caused bruising while he spanked her, I would strongly go for supervised visits til he can show he's capable of controlling his behavior and finish anger management court. Because once you go to court about him having a case file and your daughter telling you about him hitting her, he will then target your daughter and in that regard, he may put the fear in your daughter and your daughter may not tell you. Not to mention if he can't handle how you talk to him,how do you think he handles how your daughter talks to him if she's having a grumpy moment.

You are probably at the point nwo that enough is enough and you need to find a way to deal with this differently. you tried your best to do the shared parenting but it wont' work with the way he's behaving to you and your daughter. And at this point the communication book that is needed isn't working since he's not cooperating. how are you to know anyhow that he's not logging certain things?

I"m not sure if what you have is common in Canada but in the states, we mostly have joint custody or full custody. While there are some parents who are amicable enough to share information and talk about the weekend/week events on their kids, there are probalby more parents that don't share information, and the kids grow up fine. How did parents handle that, perhaps you can have another thread with how they find out how their kids are doing if parents are cooperating in communication. Probably most parents just ask their kids what they did, and ask specific questions.

As for him coming in the house and calling, you should send boundaries so he will have to follow it, and that is something you need to put on court papers so you can use it if he goes over the line, such as pickups will be met at the front door and he can't enter, or in a neutral public location. Calling only if it pertains to your daughter and calls can be 3-5 times. Calling 20-30 times is harrasment.

You should not feel guilty, you need to think what's best for your daughter and yourself along with your son. Verbal/mental abuse can be more dangerious than physical abuse, and as Carolann says, you dont' want to set that it's ok for someone to talk down on someone and take the abuse and think it's normal to be in, otherwise, your daughter may repeat this cycle when she gets older.

This isn't easy but I hope you get something worked out. Try to see if there's a support group in your area that you can talk to and relate to so ou can get strength and resources.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:32:02 PM
i'm so sorry that your daughter had to go through that, how sad. I hope you are getting counseling for her.

with that said, i think you should focus on yourself, what would make you happy, set some goals to find out what you want in yourself, in a man, in a relationship. After all you just got out of a marriage. plus, your daughter needs that distance from another man til she can heal some wounds of her own.

When you are ready to date, a lot will suggest to date without getting your child involved til you see the relationship going long term. It's just a way to make sure that the relationship will work out and to provide consistently and stability with your child without bringing a guy in/out of her life. Due to your daughter's history, i would avoid having them spend alone time. you should talk to your daughter about parts of body someone can't touch and what to say and such. you should also assure your daughter that it's ok for her to tell you what is wrong and if something happen that wasn't appropriate.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Young and having to deal with a tough decision...
Posted: 6/24/2009 4:25:37 PM
You wrote a story, which i don't think is that relevant to what you need to ask.

Tell her she needs to work on her self esteem, and not to settle for less, and with her history, she needs to just stop giving him chances, and excuse his behavior much less his stepmom who made her stay there just to clean house.

AS for adoption: she may feel she's ready to do so due to her hatred for mark but once she holds the baby, she may not feel that way towards the baby as she does with mark. she may regret it later in the future for giving her baby away. also not sure what rights/laws are done in canada, but does Mark have to give permission to have the baby adopted? isn't he entitled to have baby? if he wants the baby, then give the baby to him.

keeping the baby: single parents have done it, why can't she,? both her and mark are immature. her dad is only looking out for her well being and the babies. she should look at her options to how she can raise baby on her own. such as seeking child support so she can pay for daycare and some expenses while she works and use that money to cover her share of expenses.

did she fail on the birth control or were they irresponsible in using it/ i say that if they are old enough to have sex, they should live up to responsibilities for a baby.

does she have enough family/friends to do a babyshower? check into resources to see what assistance she can get after she has baby? canada may have freecycle.org/ where people give things to those who want it or ask others if they have something. and you go pick it up or drop it off. Great program. look into churches, they may offer things for those in need.

and in a way it doesn't matter what a crib looks like at the store, obviously the quality has to be good enough for them to sell it, so even if cost less, it doesn't mean it's going to break down . another option to use is a pack n play, that way it's portable if she has to move elsewhere.

encourage her to breastfeed, that way she can cut cost with buying formula. have her talk to her father/mother and ask them for their input/support. after allt his is their grandchild too.

I would just tell your friend that she needs to have a tough shell around mark and deal with him as just someone she's coparenting with. she can always also have a neutral party so taht she doesn't have to be alone with him. she shouldn't have to worry /think on what he's doing, she has things to worry on her own as it is, tell her to focus on her goals, make goals and set them! if he wants to be involved, it's up to him, but she shouldn't have to work around it all the time, just have her have a schedule and if he doesn't come taht time, then he forfeits the visitation til next time.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Like nails on a chalkboard
Posted: 6/24/2009 12:17:57 AM
question is did you give her all these chores at once, or one by one. you should go back to basics.

do you leave her alone while you're at work? if so, perhaps you should get a family member to stop in to supervise and encourage her to do some activies and chores.

do the chores while you're there. tell her you'd like a fun activity to do but because she hasn't done her chores, you have to supervise. and perhaps next time if she does some, you'll have more time to play together. why can't you call once in awhile to talk and ask her to do a chore. i'm sure she doesn't do them for attention.

I alos think giving her 3 chores a day is a bit much for her age, while feeding her cat would be a priority, her bed or doing an extra chore isn't. if she does them, praise her. change it around, so it's something different and she'll not get bored with the same routine.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Affect of Recession by Marital Status
Posted: 6/23/2009 11:58:42 PM
of course married couples have it easier, either one is working while the other is a housewife, which saves on daycare cost. or if both are working they are getting extra to cover things.

i wonder if they factor things such as demographics of classes, and if the single parents have help from teh other parent to help out with expenses.

I think it's a shame that they charge more than they should for health insurance, especialy when you rarely use it.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Are you fine with being Mom or do you NEED Dad?
Posted: 6/23/2009 11:46:35 PM
bosox, t hat was a bit tmi lol, and not relevant tot he topic.

my daughter's "father' isn't involved , he hasn't even seen her. her male role model is my stepdad who treats me like his own, and treats myd aughter like a granddaughter. I don't have any expectations for me to find a relationship just to find a male role model. That would be a wrong reason to date altogether.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Terrified
Posted: 6/23/2009 12:36:47 AM
do you pay child support to her? if so is it garnished or put in her account automatically, if so, pull it out.

your first priority is n ot to get food stamps or change dependants, bu t to go to court, and seek legal advice. right now she wants this to be temporarily. what type of custody did you have before this happened/ Sounds like she's doing this for the sake of her bf, so at least she's trying to remove the kids out of the situation, or out of her frustration if she has the kids all the time. What was the situation, she prevented you from seeing the kids, or were you fine with the every other weekend dad?

keep your kids active and go do activities to keep them busy. depending on how old they are, you should talk to them and ask how they feel. perhaps there are some self help books at library to help you and them go through this transition.

And why are you terrified/ that yo have your kids full time? that you donht' know what to do a sa full time parent?
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
should i let my son's father be in his life a second time??? confused
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:31:00 AM
ya you need to nip it in the bud, he's immature and only wants to be around if you're not with anyone, he's playing you til the other girl comes around or someone else. if all you are interested in having him get involved with your son, you just need to find a neutral party to supervise time with baby while you're not there. tell him enough is enough, if he wants a relationship with his child, he needs to spend time with him and not you. and taht you're going to find someone who can be there while he's with baby.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
clingy after seperation?
Posted: 6/20/2009 10:25:37 AM
has she seen/hear the physical/mental abuse from your ex? it still takes time to adjust, and i'm sure even if he's not around her, she still sees him around the house right? you just need to assure her you are there, and perhaps you can play with her and try to space out the distance, and try to distract her with her to play toys. or perhaps catch a ball or tell her to get something for you and praise her when she does. I'm sure it's a mixture of new environment and terrible 2's
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 60 (view)
 
vaccines=autism?????
Posted: 6/19/2009 5:40:59 PM
sciguyross, some parents sweawr there's a link because the mmr is given around the time when at 18 months, doctors pay more attention to development of a child. At this stage, you can either see if your child is developing with others at this stage or is way behind. Even at 18 month, it's still a bit early to diagnose a child with autism other than through behavioral, social, communication issues, and a ct/mri scan that may factor to why they think a child may be autistic. If the vaccine was the culprit, why isn't it targeting girls at that age, it's mostly boys who have autism, but someone can correct me on that.

I believe they took the mercury out of the mmr for a few years, yet there's still an increase of autism, so i doubt it's due to vaccinations. i think they are stressing too much on diagnosing at autism at early age that they are making a big list to what a child does may be autistic which is going crazy.
 
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