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 Author Thread: would you marry a widow or widower if....
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
would you marry a widow or widower if....
Posted: 6/10/2012 2:46:31 AM
Poster _boy.....I married a widower. First time in my life I ever wanted to marry anyone. I had my one and only child at age 30 and did not marry her father. My husband had four children and seven grandchildren. Ours was definately a blended family. When my best friend, lover, confidant and husband died I buried him beside his first wife. During our marriage we talked about things and decided that we needed to do something about my plot since it was located on the other side of town in another cemetery managed by the same company. We mad an appt. and went into the office to meet with the owners. Sure enough there was a space available right above him. That is where I will be buried. I relocated . It was simple. I paid a transfer fee, signed the papers and voila it was all taken care of. I have a prepaid funeral with specific instructions.

When I used to go to the cemetery regularly I went and thought nothing of it. He wasn't there anyway. It was simply the place we put his earthly remains. Of course I've always set out the flowers on special occasions. Now I have the cemetery do it for me for each season and on three special occasions, his birthday,our anniversary, and the day he died. I will never forget him, he will always be near and dear to my heart but on his deathbed he made me promise that I would move on. I have. I've been on my own for almost five years now and I have no desire to marry but I would like to find someone to share my life with. Quite frankly I stopped looking. I'm too busy enjoying my life. Next weekend I'll be at the Reno Rodeo. I'll stop off in Kaycee, Wyo and return home. Back out to Reno for the finals and then back to work. Work for about a month and then I'm off to the Calgary Stampede. Home again and work and then its Cheyenne FrontierDays.

I am a happy, healthy 57 year old woman who knows what she wants from life. I don't have time for FWB's, FB's , designated hitters etc. Infact, I'm really not looking anymore. I just like hanging out in the forums. Dating a "W" isn't like dating a D unless theirs was a postive and healthy relationship. Those of us widows and widowers that have moved on know the meaning of US vs. I. Being buried next to my husband doesn't have anything to do with whatever my current relationship status is upon my demise. Guarenteed if there ever is another man in my life he will never have to compete with my DH. What we share will be just that. What we share.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 39 (view)
When should WIDOW(ER) change to Single?
Posted: 5/28/2012 11:22:31 PM
"Cowboy Take Me Away"

Couldn't agree with you more. So true, so true. Despite the fact that according to the IRS I am single in the tax light, the SSA sees it differently and I will become eligible to receive widow's benefits upon my 60th birthday provided the source isn't defunct at that time.

Upon my arrival here at POF, I actually admitted that I was a widow. The numbers attached to the handle was the day my husband passed. I've since then seen the error of my ways and the handle has changed. Bottom line is this. I am who I am. I know myself very well. I'm the woman who loads her horse in the trailer last so its the first one out. My cinch is pulled, I'm mounted and ready to go. This way I'm never left behind.

Life experiences are lessons learned.

Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 423 (view)
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 5/28/2012 10:15:18 PM

As per normal you nailed it. Lives are not run by bank accounts. At least the good ones aren't.
Now here is the story that I lived..... I was married to a wonderful man. He was the most giving, caring, loving individual that I'd ever met in my life and I likened him to God. We were truly blessed. Ours was a relationship based on friendship first, the rest just fell into place. Much substance. He was 18 years my senior and of a different race than I. Not once did anything come between the two of us. There was never a me because it was always us. Yes, we had our own personal views about things but we always talked things out and came to a common resolution. We shared the good times and the bad and neither of us for one moment thought about walking away. We knew that the grass wasn't necessarily greener on the other side of the street.

My husband became very ill as a result of the cancer that eventually took him away from this earth. Despite the illness he knew what was and saw to it that we still were able to share some intimacy in our relationship till the very end. Of course at the end it was nothing more than holding each other while he in the ICU unit. Before that he found other ways. He used to say that I may have lost the function of this for the moment honey but look what I got you. Personally if I owned stock in Duracell I'd be just fine. Not once did I ever think that just because he couldn't function as he had in the beginning that I needed to seek satisfaction elsewhere. I would not have dreamed of it. Had I done something like that I could not have looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw. When I think back on those last days he and I spent in the hospital I am always reminded of him asking me was I ok with the fact that he didn't want to go through anymore procedures. (there was one that might have changed things but there was no guarantee.) I just simply looked at him and said " I love you and your personal wish is my own" .

In marriage there is no I or me. It's us pure and simple. If you can't live by that then you both need to cowboy/cowgirl up and dissolve the union cause it won't last. JMHO
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 116 (view)
Is taking things slow really necessary after the age of 45???
Posted: 4/24/2012 10:39:30 PM
I could not agree with you more. The entire process of forming a relationship takes a great deal of time. I am too old to do the fools rush in thing. I'm true to me first and me says that I won't step into anything just for the sake of stepping.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 122 (view)
Does head over heels in love still happen after 45?
Posted: 1/19/2012 9:39:52 PM
Gotta agree with you BettyMFP
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
What does a serious relationship mean to you?
Posted: 1/19/2012 9:26:58 PM
what he said....I don't sleep with my male friends whom I can count on my first two fingers of my right hand. When I say serious relationship I mean just that. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I know what it is. I've experienced it before and knew happiness as I never did earlier in my life. Today my life is full but I miss not having that special someone in my life. Friends are to be treasured but someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life together with is phenomenal. IMHO it is the icing on the cake.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 51 (view)
Married people on POF...
Posted: 1/6/2012 10:17:07 PM
Larissan...I'm going to be like Smokey and "Second That Emotion" Sad thing is the men don't look at things from our perspective. They are more interested in scoring. I am sick of having to deal with that mentality. Guess I'm just ready to move on.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 46 (view)
Married people on POF...
Posted: 12/31/2011 9:53:31 AM
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you Larissan!

Couldn't have said it better myself.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 591 (view)
Have all the older guys really given up?
Posted: 12/30/2011 1:28:30 PM

Agreed, both older men and women have more preferences. While I haven't given up on finding Mr. Right, I can certainly understand the feelings that most women have expressed in this thread. Some of it I have experienced myself firsthand. Come the second day of 2012 I will have been on this site for a year. I have not dated anyone from here in the last 8 months. While I admit that I find the forums fascinating, I truly gave up on finding anyone.

[The really weird part is that women who live really far away will message me thinking that somehow I would drive over 100 miles just to meet for a cup of coffee]

I'd go to the ends of the earth if that is what was required. I have no problem with traveling should the occasion arise. Around the corner or across the country makes no difference to me if all the necessary elements are present. My friend lives in S. Dakota and we have done a considerable amount of traveling together. This is a friendship not a courtship. We enjoy each others company, share the same interests, and have fun together. Perhaps it will turn into something perhaps it won't. For me its fine because I have someone to spend quality time with who isn't concerned about the conquest thing.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
Merry Christmas POFers
Posted: 12/29/2011 6:33:41 PM
Frohe Weihnachten und gl├╝ckliches neues Jahr zu allen
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 113 (view)
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 12/18/2011 7:51:42 PM
The garbage detector is functioning very well thank you. It was never off-line. I am not one to settle for less. One mistake in judgement is allowed. The rest I have seen comming from a mile away and terminate e-mail correspondence with a very nicely put thanks but no thanks.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
understanding what you want
Posted: 12/18/2011 3:30:25 PM
OP my list will never be shortened no matter how old I get. Infact just as curvyand cuddly stated my list has gotten longer.

CC I agree with you whole heartedly except for the fact that I'm well aware of what I want in a partner. No way I 'll miss him should he put himself in my path. I'm smart enough to know that while I could meet him online, chances are better that I will meet him at one of the many events I attend.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
Happy Holidays to all!
Posted: 11/24/2011 10:30:24 PM

In time it will get better. I too struggled the first Thanksgiving without my husband. Truthfully, I wanted to run for the hills and not celebrate the holiday. Then I realized I couldn't do that. That first year I knew my husband was there. He guided my hands every step of the way throughout fixing the dinner. You are where I once was.

Anais Nin says " and the time came when the risk it took to remain in a tightly closed bud became infinately more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Remember that and get ready to blossom because, it will happen. I feel as though I have come full circle now. I am thankful that I am still here for the rest of my family and I'm happy that I have become the lady I am today.

Happy Holiday's to all...
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
Why do men disappear and then reappear and its a cycle?
Posted: 11/24/2011 10:07:54 PM

As per normal you hit the nail right on the head. This behavior still leaves me befuddled and I finally decided that it wasn't up to me to figure it out. After all it has nothing to do with me. I just deleted an e-mail from the married man who proclaims to be single. OP... I deleted it because, there is nothing that person can say to me today, tomorrow , always. I'm not a space filler and I never will be. If I can't have the entire enchilada I'd rather have nothing at all.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 30 (view)
Hooking up while trying to get over someone?
Posted: 11/23/2011 11:30:44 PM

Mein geliebter Vater (my beloved father) always told me that a man could lay d0wn in the gutter and the next morning be addressed as Mr.______ when he awoke. While women if, following the same suit would be addressed by any given number of names. I wholeheartedly agree with Sleepy's response.

I am a widow and I met a man on here and after dealing with him for about five months it went to (*$%&*&. I worried about it and eventually found out the truth. He was still married. It was the second marriage.

As far as I was concerned that meant my picker was off. I went back out there. Met someone else who was a total turd. At this point I realized I had to come back to me. I did a lot of soul searching....the free your heart and your mind will follow kind. Then I found the forums here on POF. This is what I have done.

1. Went back to my therapist who counseled me when my husband died.
2. Got back into me and the things that made me smile.
3. Do for me. Am going to the National Finals in Vegas for the third time.
4. Realized that no one other than myself is responsible for my own happiness.

Yes, I am responsible for my happiness. I care for it just as I do my health. They are one in the same. A one night stand is just that. I know what a relationship is. It is what I want and I won't settle for less. No booty call's here. This lady is about intelligent conversation, sharing and being there for her partner. She is also about finding that which her deceased husband wanted for her. Above all....she will not settle for less because she is accustomed to being happy.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 45 (view)
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 11/13/2011 8:09:02 PM
OP I agree with you wholeheartedly on this one. Phone numbers issued right out the chute get the original message deleted, I want to gather the facts first and the e-mail exchanges must be interesting. Then we move to exchanging phone numbers once we have determined that there is going to be a meet and greet. Anything with "how are you doing today sexy?" gets deleted too. Not to mention the guys who have e-mailed me the same thing over and over again. They do have a ton of chutspa and I've become quite adept at weeding out the garbage.

While I am certain that Mr. Right is out there somewhere, he isn't there right now. I had a bad experience here but, that doesn't mean that I am giving up. I just simply refuse to settle for something other than what I want just for the sake of companionship. I've been a widow for four years plus and I'm comfortable with who I am and my life as I know it to be. I'm an old fashioned gal. No man gets the phone number until I feel the time is right. It isn't something that happens overnight. I do love these forums though and check in from time to time when my schedule permits.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 37 (view)
Too much phone
Posted: 10/29/2011 12:45:55 AM
AintNoDeal ,
I have always relished your responses. This one was on the money. OP- The man is absolutely correct.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 67 (view)
Why did you choose Plenty of Fish? Thoughts on other Dating Sites?
Posted: 10/21/2011 12:49:04 AM
Pingshooter don't get me started on EHarmony. My daughter suggested that I try it. I remember taking hours answering the questionaires. Finally my profile is approved and they start sending me matches. I wanted to run for cover. Same thing happened on and My communication skills enabled me to get my monies refunded though and I did not have to go the cuss you out route.

I got on POF at the suggestion of a friend who is also a client. Funny part about it was that he , myself and his Dad were out together one night when the subject came up. His father was trying to talk to me and so was he. As I had told him many times before I was not into robbing the cradle. While he is a very astute individual he was 29 years younger then me. His Dad was interesting but not my kind of guy. The free thing got to me because I had been paying a considerable sum for the other sites with no results.

Like you I have been burned on POF....then I found the forums. This is where I am content to be. I've upgraded my membership just to be fair to the web host however the cost doesn't come close to that which I have spent in the past. I'm not looking either but I know what I would like to find eventually.

Free site is very important to me these days. Lord knows I can't afford a paying one because my daughter is getting married next year in your neck of the woods and I have to once again be the production specialist, advisor, accountant, chief cook and bottle washer etc. 200 people. I do not relish this . Wish I could hire The Lady and Son's, Mrs Wilkes, or the Boar's Head instead of having to do it on my own. That would certainly take a load off.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
Hind-sight and Pivotal Moments
Posted: 10/20/2011 11:29:35 PM
"A place where the choice was to either end things or ignore what happened and continue on with the relationship and marriage."

This thread made me think of something I hadn't thought about in years. Back in 1970 I met a man with whom I had a great relationship with. He was from Vancouver BC. and lived and worked in N.Y.C. We met in one of the clubs I was working in at the time. Spent a lot of time together. He followed me on all of my gigs in the city. We went on numerous dates and spent the nights at one or the other's apartment. He lived on the West side and I lived on the East side. Things were rolling right along between us. He was totally supportive of my career and I of his. After much talking we decided to consolidate things. His building was rent controlled (something very hard to find in NY) and mine was not. A year down the road we are living together.

During our second year together we go to his home to visit his parents via his relatives in Grosse Ile, Michigan. We had a great time in Michigan. I hated to leave. I was handling some business in Detroit and getting close to signing a contract. His mother was very ill and he wanted us to meet. We talked it over and decided that it would be best if I didn't stay in Detroit as I wanted to. Off to Vancouver we go. I't summer and we are driving and I'm seeing at some of the most beautiful country I've ever seen. We arrive and I meet Bernie's mom. She welcomes me and she and I hit it off great. His father on the other hand is a grumpy lil old man and he remains that way until we leave.

We slept in separate bedrooms the entire time we were there. While we told his mother we were together we didn't inform his dad because of his attitude. I don't remember having any conversations with the dad at all with the exception of his asking me about the Michigan relatives. We spent two weeks at his parents home and then returned to NY.

I get back to business. My mother is coming over to help me put together wardrobes for my shows. I 'm on the road for a little while (doing the hotel and club circut out west) and am called home because his mom has passed away. We do the funeral and return home. All this time his parents have never seen anything other than pictures of our home which his Dad thinks is his home. A year later his dad decides that he's coming to visit. All of a sudden the man I knew turned into a sniveling idiot. He was like OMG he's going to flip if he finds out that we are together. I'm like what's the problem. To make him feel better I packed a bag and went to stay with a girlfriend who lived in the village during his father's visit. We had dinner together several nights while he was there. I remember cooking twice and Bernie cooked once. Funny this was not and I was seething. His father was very rude and he wasn't saying anything. Mind you all that his parents were pretty well off and Bernie is an only child. Dad finally leaves and I am able to return home.

The first night I return we argue and I ask why could he not stand up to his father? That is when I got the entire 411. Dad spoke with son about my being a part of his life. Told him that if we ever married he would disinherit him entirely and the folks in Grosse Ile would reap the benefits because he wouldn't get a dime if he married me. That night while he went over all of this I looked at him and said ok. I guess it is going to be over. He asked why? I said that I didn't want him looking at me some day thinking that I was the reason he didn't receive his inheritance. He asked how I could just walk away from him like that? I replied because I love you and I don't want to stand in the way. I explained that I could not bear the thought of him hating me or looking at me with scorn. Three weeks later it was all over and I was on tour again.

Throughout the years we stayed in touch with each other and remained friends until I left the east coast. Do I regret walking away? gut told me he wasn't the one despite what we shared. Life goes on and we go on. I met the man who was the absolute yin to my yang and visa versa. That was the relationship that I always wanted. These days I'll just be thankful to find someone who is of like mind and wants the same that I do from life. I refuse to give up and I won't let go of my principals in the process. :angel
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
Interracial Relationship Advice Appreciated
Posted: 10/20/2011 9:34:15 PM

At the ripe old age of 13 a friend and I discovered Ayn Rand in her parents library. We both became totally engrossed in her writings without the knowledge of our parents. Her books have come to mean the world to me and have shaped me into the person I am today. I have dated in and out of my race throughout my life but I married out of it. Today I am 56 and still of the same mind.

My husband was a wonderful man and my equal in all ways. When we first met his kids flipped out at the fact that I was black. Never-mind the fact that we had the same interests, enjoyed each others company, and had a genuine respect for each other. One of his daughters actually asked him why he couldn't find a nice white lady to date. His response was "I do not want one. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, either you accept it or you don't." Getting his family to come together was hard work but we managed. My immediate family wasn't like that and welcomed him with open arms. I did get a little flack from a cousin with whom I was very close to. It hurt and I ended up having to set boundries for her because I could and would not tolerate her behavior. To this day we no longer speak and I am not troubled by it. I have a wonderful family consisting of a natural child, 4 step children, 7 step grands and a soon to be son in law. Not to mention the numerous Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and a brother and sister. My parents are deceased but I honor them on a daily basis by being the best that I can be in this life.

The truth of the matter is that many people have trouble dealing with interracial relationships of any kind. The difference in generations have nothing to do with it. One must be totally prepared for what they are going to encounter and be able to react to stupidity in a rational calm manner. As long as you can do that you need not fear what anyone else thinks. Be protective of your partner and show her that you value her presence in your life. Let those who can't handle it be. You will be plesantly surprised at their reaction in the end. JMHO
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 77 (view)
What is the ideal height difference between a man and a woman?
Posted: 10/20/2011 8:03:23 PM
Well said sometimes-miss. In my profile I state that I'm flexible. If you don't meet the height requirement then I will wear the appropriate pair of boots and go hat less. My preference is that my date be at least 6' tall but, I know that 6'4" is a great fit for me because my husband was that tall and we fit together like hand and glove for years.

A lot of the men I know are shorter than I am. I have two great dancing partners and they are both about two- three inches shorter than I am but we are always able to have fun together. I also have a few that come to town on occasion who fit in the tall category and I let my other friends know when they are gonna be around because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I simply feel more comfortable with someone who is at least five or more inches taller than I am.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 71 (view)
what are some of the times you most miss a relationship-not the obvious ones
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:15:19 PM
Ditto Glenoran1,
I have a few more to add to the list.

1.) Arriving home form work during an unexpected thunderstorm, pulling into the driveway and having him come out with the umbrella to meet me when I get out of the car.

2.) Having a warm towel to dry me off with in the garage should I have gotten soaked if he was unable to do so.

3.) Always being able to share the what I want for you after I leave here thoughts with each other.

4.) All of the repair lessons so that I would be able to take care of things without having to call the specialists in.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 287 (view)
Men in their 60s
Posted: 10/9/2011 11:32:49 PM
Dave....You are absolutely correct.

Kari...I don't drink and I go out to some of our local watering holes that provide entertainment. You can tell who is who. I know who to steer toward and who to steer away from.

Coastal I'm sorry but I just can't accept some of your opinions. First of all there is no way I am going to date a man who is 20 years younger than I am much less 22. Those young men are no where near as mature as I am and I seriously doubt that we would have anything in common. Secondly while you don't want to work all day caring for sick people and come home to work for free as a care-giver to your partner. I have to wonder where is the love that is supposed to exist between you and your partner? You definitely hit a nerve with me.

My husband is dead hence the Widow. He died on July 18, 2007 at 12:01 a.m. I was there by his side holding his hand, I watched the Dr. pull the plug and administer drugs that would ease his journey to heaven. I whispered my promises to him regarding taking care of the babies and told him I was ok with his leaving. I was his care giver. Even while he was in the hospital. Never did I ever feel as though it was a chore. Mind you that I knew when I married him he had cancer but it was in remission. He was totally honest and upfront with me from the beginning. I did not run from him because of it. In other words I walked into the relationship with my eyes wide open. He was eighteen years older than me and ours was a solid relationship. The age difference didn't matter. We were spiritually, mentally and physically well suited to each other and I was never happier in my entire life. Before he came into my life it was full but still empty. There was an incredible immediate connection which we simply expounded upon. A lot of the time it required hard work but we were not selfish people. We never gave up and walked away from each other. That's the problem with most relationships today. Folks get started on the I want syndrome instead of thinking about what is needed. Then they tire of each other and walk away. Selfishness and being self centered do not a relationship make.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 40 (view)
Married people on POF...
Posted: 9/13/2011 2:38:50 PM
3x and VG....All advice is well taken. I know it isn't my fault that he wasn't honest. I recognized that I needed to go back to counseling and called my old grief counselor last week to make an appointment. We are getting together this week but she was kind enough to give me some phone time yesterday. What irked me about the entire situation is that I am an intelligent human being and could not believe this happened to me. I have a few deal breakers and the first and most important one is that you must not be married. This lady wasn't raised that way.

This entire situation has turned me off from getting back out there. I really don't want to. While I don't believe the healing process will take as long as it did when my husband died, there is going to be a healing process that I must go through. Kinda killed the ability to trust someone again just when I felt as though I was ready to.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 194 (view)
Married men
Posted: 9/13/2011 1:58:37 PM
Larissan....I could not have said it better myself. I am facing that right now. The man's profile says that he is divorced and he is from his first wife. He just neglected to tell me that he was married again. They are separated. This I know for certain. When we met they were living in separate places.

He lives and works in another state for the time being. She lives here in Texas. This man has walked in and out of my life on several occasions. The last time I wasn't available due to family obligations and he wanted me to come to visit him and go on a trip. I had to decline so he didn't call me again until he received a goodbye message from me.

We are having conversations but I still haven't told him of my discovery. I've seen the marriage record. It popped up when I was trying to find his address on the computer. I wasn't looking for this. It just appeared as though God wanted me to be aware of it.

The man is near retirement age. The current wife is 13 years younger than him. There is no record of an annulment or divorce in the county. I think because it will be a very nasty one in the sense of property division. I will let him know that I am aware of all of this. I believe he was trying to tell me the last time we spoke but, I really wasn't listening. I kept the conversation very light and cordial. Talked about everything but that.

He knows what my principals are and how I was raised. There is no room in my life for a married man of any kind. I don't know about the rest of you but, I fully intend on going to heaven when I leave this earth. I was devastated by my discovery. I've come to terms with it and made my decision. No me. Hard but true. I'm sure that at some point I'll be ready to get back on the horse but right now I just want to be alone. I just feel as though I was freight-trained and I wasn't even in the rodeo arena.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 425 (view)
How do you feel about interacial dating?
Posted: 9/13/2011 8:48:08 AM
BH...I married the love of my life and we were very happily married until the day he died. Ours was truly a blended family on both sides since he was German, born and raised in Texas and I am a transplanted Texan originally from NJ. My family hails from two different sides of the Caribbean and our US origins are Georgia, Louisiana, and Virginia. Cultural divide...I think not. Minimize the differences..what differences? Perhaps there was a difference in the foods we normally ate because I didn't know too much about German cooking but it was something I learned from his family members. My husband used to think that he was the grill master till he met me and tasted my brisket, chicken, ribs, steaks and tenderloins. Not to mention the crabs and grilled seafood.

We always entertained and the minute an invite went out for a party at our home the R.S.V.P.'s came rolling in. He certainly didn't have your attitude and he was born in 1937 which would have made him 74 had he lived to see this upcoming birthday. Our families did everything together. We believed in togetherness. Our family unit consists of all hues and we don't find it difficult to get along in the slightest. Just call us the rainbow coalition and this is coming from a woman who votes a straight republican ticket whenever she goes to the polls unless there is a problem with the issue on the ballot in which case I vote for whomever has the best solution to the issue in my eyes.

I'll get off my soap box now that I've finished chomping at the bit.

Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 37 (view)
Married people on POF...
Posted: 9/13/2011 7:53:58 AM
VG I couldn't agree with you more. In the words of my favorite author: "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

I came to POF on 1/2/11. My profile reflects me in a nutshell and I know what I want. I did a few meet and greets with caucasian men. All stated that they were looking for a LTR in their profiles but, I could tell that wasn't the case and I never bothered talking to any of them again. Then I met the man who swept me off my feet. Actually I felt as though I'd been thrown from a horse. I read his profile very carefully and noted that he said he was divorced. After several e-mail exchanges back and forth we exchange telephone numbers.

We talked on the phone quite a bit before we decided to meet for dinner and a movie. I had to reschedule the date twice. Once due to inclement weather and the second because I had to work. We are still talking on the phone two and three times a day/evening. I am totally charmed by this person.

The communication between us is awesome. We can talk about anything. He is the consummate gentleman and we have everything going in the common interest department. I actually felt as though I'd known him all my life. We could talk sports, politics, our bucket lists, where we had been, and where we always wanted to go. While I could always speak about my family he seldom spoke of his. Except for in the beginning when we spoke of our heritages.

We had several dates and one night over dinner I asked him if I was the first black woman he had ever dated. He looked at me, replied yes, and asked me how did I know? I explained that I felt as though he was choosing his words too carefully for fear of offending me. That hurdle gotten over, we became very comfortable with each other. We spent a lot of time doing things together and going places. I am beginning to feel as though this may be exactly what I'm looking for and that it will turn into a long term relationship.

I updated his resume for him because the project he was working on was over and he was looking for another one. He mentions that there may be something on the horizon but he needs the updated resume and has to fax all his credentials to the project manager. We have a date scheduled for the upcoming weekend and I am looking forward to it. Then I get the phone call. He says " You know that job out of state I told you about that I had to fax my resume to? Well I got the assignment and they want me to be onsite next week." There is nothing but absolute silence on my end to the extent that he asks are you still there? I pull it together, bite my lip to keep from crying and we continue to talk. I understood that he could not turn the position down. If the offer had been made to me I would not have either. We spend as much time together as we can before he has to leave. That was a very sad day for me. I'm standing there looking at him knowing that I am going to miss him but I won't say anything. We commit to staying in touch and say see you later. He said that he would call once he arrived at his destination. I received that one phone call from him and didn't hear from him again.

This is just before the 1st of Feb. Still cold here in Houston and I have the rodeo which is about to kick into full gear. I sent him several cards and e-mails to his personal e-mail and after Easter stopped all communication on my end because I saw no point in it. I went out of town to visit my family on Easter and when I returned I find the Tulip gift in my inbox along with the message Happy Easter. I say thank you, ask how he is doing and then silence again. I am so confused at this point, I decided it was better not to even think about it. My birthday was in May and I was determined to enjoy myself despite it all. I'd actually shared this with two of my closest friends who both advised me to just get on with the business of living my life.

Fast forward to the end of July. I get the little fish icon on my Evo. I check my e-mail and am told that he has listed me in his favorites once again. We start exchanging e-mails and he asks me to come to where he is and take a trip with him. I call him and after playing telephone tag for the first few calls we finally talk. All of the old feelings come rushing back and had it not been for my family responsibilities (my step grand daughter was getting married that Saturday) I would have gone to where he was. The conversation was unbelievable. He apologized for acting as he did and said I didn't deserve it, but when I asked why he stated that we would talk about it when we saw each other. My family obligation was more important. I am deleted from his favorites again and I don't hear from him until after he receives an e-mail from me saying goodbye and wishing him the best in life. I had some serious doubts because I could not believe the lack of understanding on his part.

I was planning on sending him some pictures of the wedding. Being internet savvy I decided to look up his new address in the town he lived in. Up pops a marriage record listing him as the groom of a marriage that occurred in May of 2008 here in my county. Calculating quickly I determine that he could not possibly be divorced from this one. After all he's been on this board since 2009. A little further research showed that there a divorce on file from the 1st wife whom he was married to for 25 years. There is no divorce or annulment record on file for the second. I really start thinking then. I was not searching for this information. God as I know him to be put it right in my face.

I still haven't confronted him with my knowledge. I fully intend to but, I am not ready at this time. Though I have analyzed it in my mind and come to terms with it the bottom line is I have to determine what it is I am willing to accept. In the beginning I was very angry. So much so that I had to ignore his phone calls for awhile. There is one thing I do understand. They are separated and she is 13 years younger than him. He is close to retirement age. This makes for a very sticky situation when it comes to divorce. I just don't know if I am ready for all that drama in my life at this point. I've already lost a husband to cancer and it took me ages to recover but I have. Now I feel as though my principals have been violated in the worse manner because I really do care about this man.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
What you think about kissing on the second date?
Posted: 9/11/2011 9:00:09 PM
OP....Nothing wrong with kissing on the first date. I met a man on here whom I considered a high roller. (those of you who know rodeo terminology will know what I mean) He wasn't much of an e-mailer but he let me know from the beginning that he wanted to meet me. We talked on the phone for about three weeks before I met him the first time. I had to cancel our first date because of work at the last minute. Got an ear full about that one but, he understood. I am an Accountant and tax season had just begun.
We arranged to meet at the restaurant we were going to have dinner at. There was a distance of about 100 miles between our homes. He isn't a fan of Houston and I could understand that so I drove to his area. I get there early, parked, and called him to let him know I'd arrived and my parking location. Twenty minutes later he drives up, gets out of his vehicle, and walks over to mine. I roll the window down and we say hello to each other. He opens my door, I get out and we stand there looking at each other. We handle the formal greeting process and start talking. He tells me that I look exactly like my picture, and commented that my profile was very accurate. We go to dinner, go to the movies and then the date ends. He was the perfect gentleman and when he went in for the kiss before I got into my car, I went right along with it. This wasn't a chaste goodnight was one of those curl your toes in your boots kisses. It was not one kiss but two. The second one being one of those gotta try that again kisses and make sure I wasn't imagining things on both of our parts. There was a second date where more of the same went on and then poof he moved to another state because of work. I haven't seen him since, though I do hear from him every now and then. I will forever remember the kisses, the hand holding, the cuddling.
IMHO if there isn't a kiss on the first date then I know a second isn't going to happen.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 326 (view)
Widow/Widower-Wearing the wedding ring?
Posted: 8/24/2011 7:57:41 PM
In month seven I was so confused that I could not have possibly even thought about spending my time with someone else. At that point I remember being angry with God, my husband, and the entire world in general. Friends and family spoke to me of the change they noticed in my attitude. The once very loving person became a lady with a definate bite.
I did not take my rings off until the beginning of last year. Having gone through much self examination, grief counseling, reading a lot of material on the subject I knew I was ready to do so. I do not believe that one should hold onto the past. Wearing your wedding rings when you are dating is a no no in my book. It says that you have not let go of the past. My engagement ring has been put away for my daughter. My wedding ring will be put on my finger when I am buried beside my husband in our plot. My husband was buried with his.
This is where I am in my life. Yes, I do want to share it with someone special but I am not marriage minded. I may be just a tad too independent for that at this juncture in my life. I can tell you this. It does get better.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 281 (view)
Men in their 60s
Posted: 8/22/2011 4:56:50 AM
37B I couldn't agree with you more. That is what a relationship is all about. On the other hand rearguard*2 has a very valid point also. We should never slack off after we have caught our "big fish". I still haven't caught him yet but, after giving my personal situation much thought I have decided to simply wait and see what happens. I thought the worst of him at first however, we have since then communicated with each other and I have received an apology.

My lack of experience in the relationship department (only been married once) doesn't mean that I can't recognize bull%$@ when I see it. I can tell when a man is only interested in seeing how fast he can get to first base with me. I would like to think that all men in their 60's are settled however my experience on POF says that isn't the case.

OP I read all of the posts here. There was a lot of bashing and joking. There were some poignant points made. Just remember this: Men come in all colors, shapes and sizes. Some have great attitudes, some have crappy ones, some are intelligent, mensa smart, others are down to earth and full of common sense. I believe all men want companionship but not all of them want it on the same level as we do. The most important thing is that we must be able to communicate our true feelings with each other.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
Men saying they are looking for long term but run if you get too close
Posted: 8/20/2011 3:52:44 PM
You are so right Ms. Lilli. I have just spent the past week getting rid of remnants that no longer need to be around. OP, I can relate wholeheartedly to what you have said.

Four years and one month ago I lost my husband. In January I finally decided that I was ready to get back out there. An associate recommended POF to me and I set up my profile which is very descriptive of what I am searching for. I am a SBW searching for a SWM. I met several caucasian men who are members. All stated that they were looking for a LTR but I could tell that wasn't the case on the first meet and greet. Then I met the one who swept me off my feet.

We talked on the phone quite a bit before we even decided to meet. The chemistry was there. The communication between us was awesome, we could talk about anything. He was the consummate gentleman and we had everything going in the common interest department. We could talk about sports, politics, our bucket lists, what we liked to do and different things we had encountered in life. I was just totally amazed at the way things progressed. Just as things started to heat up between us he left here because of his job. We said that we would keep in touch and he said that he would call once he got to his destination. I received that one phone call from him and didn't hear from him again. I sent him several cards and e-mails to his private addy and after Easter I stopped the communication on my end because I'd asked what was wrong, got no answers and simply felt as though I needed to move on. For the life of me I couldn't figure out what happened.

Then on Easter I'm celebrating the Holiday with family and I find the tulip gift in my e-mail along with the message Happy Easter upon my return. I say thank you, ask how he is doing and then silence again. I'm really confused at this point and I finally stopped trying to figure it out. This is just about the beginning of May.

Fast forward to the end of July. All of a sudden I receive a notice that I am once again listed as one of his favorites. Then I receive an e-mail from him. He asks me to take a trip with him. He sends me his phone number and I call him. We play telephone tag for a moment and then we talk. All of the old feelings come rushing back and I am just torn apart. I can't go anywhere with him because my grand daughter is getting married that weekend and I have family obligations. I am deleted from his favorites again. Wedding goes off as planned and then I returned home to think. Finally later on in the week I send him another e-mail saying goodbye and wishing him the best in life. I stated we were not on the same page. My gut told me that he wasn't serious.

In doing a search to find his new address because I wanted to send him some pictures from the wedding I found out that he was married not once but twice. Since the last marriage occurred in May of 2008 and he has been a member here since 2009 he probably is still not divorced. I wasn't looking for that information however God as I know him to be put it right in my face.

Welsh, I agree wholeheartedly with what you said about blending and give and take. My husband and I had a great relationship. Ours was truly a blended family. My side of the family is black and his side of the family is white. Throughout the years we were together we came together as a family unit despite the difference in our skin color. There were times when things were not easy but we worked through it because of the love we shared. Having known that I can never settle for less. I'm 56 years old and a country girl at heart. I dress western at all times except for when I go to work and will go to work dressed that way if I can get away with it. If I could work on a ranch or a farm instead of an office I'd be in hog heaven. The decent men that I have met are all taken, the remainder that run a close second are too young. I'm very old fashioned. My wild oats were sown ages ago and I'm not about to go there again. I know what a relationship is and I also know that my deceased husband would want me to be happy. I don't need to be married again however there is certainly nothing wrong with courtship, companionship and romance. I don't want to put my things in anyone's home. I have my own home and am quite content with the way things are set up. I just want a man who can be honest and is settled. Not one who is always around.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 93 (view)
Whatever Happened to Romance/Courtship, etc.?
Posted: 8/10/2011 7:39:17 PM
Ditto...Very sad state of affairs today. I'm not willing to settle for less. Since I am forever the optomist I believe that one of these days some man will realize that. My deceased husband did and we had a great life together. He courted me. Was man enough not to even bring up the subject of sex for an entire year until I was certain. Because I know that can happen I'll just wait. The recent experiences I have had on here encourage me to be patient on a daily basis.
Joined: 1/2/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
So, a girl I really like has cancer...
Posted: 8/8/2011 7:26:34 AM
Any person who has cancer is going to push you away in the beginning. I speak from experience. My deceased husband took me to lunch on our first date and told me that he had renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer). At that time he was in remission but he made certain that I understood it could come back at any time. He gave me much food for thought and the opportunity to walk away if I chose to. We had many dates after that. We became best friends, confidants, dancing partners, attended rodeos, went fishing, horseback riding, went to NASCAR races and because ours was an interracial relationship dealt with the prejudice of his family. My family was open, accepting and loving.
During the second year of our courtship I felt a growth in his chest which didnt belong there. We both sat up in bed and I said "sweetie you need to make an appointment with the dr tomorrow." He called his Dr. first thing in the morning after breakfast. I took a few days off from work. We had to consult with our regular Dr. for a referral to an oncologist. Surgery was scheduled to remove and biopsy the tumor a week after the first consult with the oncologist. I wasn't able to be there for the surgery and he called me to let me know what the results were. To this day I can still remember the thoughts that went through my mind when he called and informed me the cancer was back. My first feeling was anger. I had a little talk with God about why and then I realized that love is patient, love is kind, it is not happy with evil but full of joy. It always protects. It always trusts. It always hopes and it never gives up. I Corinthians 13:13 says: The three most important things to have are faith, hope and love, But the greatest of them is love. My mind was made up. I could deal with the cancer, because I was in love with the man. The chemistry was there and we had a strong relationship. There was no way I could even think of walking away from him. I knew I was there for the duration.
He explained the chemo treatments he was going to have to undergo. Gave me the names of the medications and I immediately got online to find out all that I could about it. While the oncologist had given him information regarding side effects I am a proactive person by nature and I was going to find out everything I needed to know in order to see to it that he was comfortable come hell or high water. I researched foods to combat them, rearranged certain rooms in my home for his comfort, took care of his home and made certain that he had what he needed and kept him busy so that there wasn't time to go through any depression in dealing with the fight. Once a week he received chemo and every other day he received shots of interferon and interlukin two very rough cancer treatment drugs with terrible side effects. When we met he weighed in at 270 lbs. By the time the eight months were over he was down to 245. There were days when I was up all night and went to work the next day but I had no complaints because it was all done out of love. Two months after he received the next no evidence of disease assessment he asked me to marry him and present me with a ring. My parents were deceased but he asked my grandmother for her permission.
We got married and shared many wonderful years together. It wasn't always peaches and cream because the cancer always came back with a vengence and we reached stageIV which is end stage or terminal. He'd go through the treatments and I was his rock. He tried just about every new drug on the market, went through clinical trials, somethings worked and others didn't.
The last time he went to the hospital was just before our wedding anniversary. I will never forget the day because he could barely make it out the door. We were walking into our garage and he turned around and grabbed me and hugged me. It was a desperate feeling kind of hug and he said that he didn't believe he would be comming back home again. Forever optomist me replied "We'll go to the hospital and they will get your system pumped back up and you will be home in no time. We celebrated our anniversary in the hospital. That same evening his blood pressure kept getting lower and lower. Next thing I knew he was being transfered to intensive care. I knew then that it was just a matter of days. Our anniversary was July 14, he died on the 18th. He suffered at the end and that was very difficult for me as was the decision to take him off the respirator. He didn't want any heroic measures taken. He had already discussed it with his Dr and myself. I had no other choice but to honor his wishes. This was not the time to think about my personal wishes. For two years I struggled with the feelings of what if I hadn't done as such. The sweet loving person that I normally am turned into a mean, take no prisoners, type of lady. I got that from the few good friends I have which I can count on my first hand and not use but three fingers.
It's been four years, 21days, 8.4 hours since he passed on. The anger of the loss has subsided and acceptance of it is present. I am now free to move on with my life. As much as we loved each other I know that he would not have wanted me to spend the rest of my life alone. I am not that type of woman. Besides he told me to find someone else and don't spend the remainder of my life alone. I've met men on this site and run from most of them. I did get caught by one but then realized we were not on the same page. I said goodbye to him and wished him well. That for me was another death of sorts.
My eyes were open when I first became involved with the man who became my husband. There were no reservations infact everyday during the first year of our relationship we were in a growing state. This was someone who could read me like a book, we finished each others sentences and could anticipate each others wants. I designed a deck and we built it together. We played guitar together, sang, went to karoeke, traveled. We had a good life together and I have no regrets.
You on the other hand seem to have a lot of fear and reservations about this. Please remember that before you can have any type of relationship you must have friendship.
Neither of us is God so who is to say that the relationship will progress to being comitted to each other. Me tinks you are putting the cart before the horse and worrying unnecessarily. You guys haven't even broken ground yet.
Having coffee together doesn't constitute a relationship. I believe that you should go and just talk to each other per normal.
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