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 Author Thread: Top reasons a man leaves a woman?
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 214 (view)
Top reasons a man leaves a woman?
Posted: 7/21/2010 5:10:35 PM

(Msg 244) What came first,the chicken or the egg? lol
imo dude,if your not getting laid it has more to due with her unhappiness with you.
love=sex not sex=love
To say your not getting sex imo is a cop out. jmo

I don't think the typical scenarios bear that out. When two people are together a while, after the initial hot phase, they tend to get involved in other interests. From young couples dealing with children to older couples finding new interests/hobbies/social and political causes sex tends to be put on the back burner.

In the majority of cases one is devastated when finding out the other cheated because they do love the person. Otherwise, adultery wouldn't be the crushing event it usually is.

I think people forget how well they got along when they had frequent sex. IMO, a special dinner, a surprise outing, a gift....while appreciated and a sign one loves the other those things do not compare to passionate lovemaking.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 197 (view)
Top reasons a man leaves a woman?
Posted: 7/16/2010 6:57:38 PM
I believe a lack of sex contributes to most reasons. When two people love each other they do communicate and do try to please each other. It's when the sex slows down, becomes sporadic, that each go their separate ways.

Sex is referred to as "making love" because it literally "makes" love. It bonds two people. How can one not like an individual who makes them feel good? Why wouldn't we want to make such a person happy?
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 39 (view)
will there ever come a time when
Posted: 4/21/2010 6:45:43 PM

(OP) Being emotional creatures, it seems we simply cannot accept the loss of a relationship, be it a potential one or an established one......we have to pick it to pieces to try and discover.........what we did wrong, what they did wrong, why they did this or the long run, does it matter???.

I agree and that's why I don't believe in this idea of taking time to be alone after a relationship ends and analyze what happened. The person was there!

There was either an obvious reason or a person's feelings changed.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 68 (view)
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 4/21/2010 5:23:53 PM

(OP) So through the dating on this site, I am realizing that I have alot of insecurities. Which means, that I take someone showing interest in me and I TOTALLY run with it. Then I end up compromising myself and my beliefs, which always means I get hurt in the end.

I suppose the OP is no longer here but if anyone can relate to her I would like to know specifically what “compromising myself and my beliefs” entails.

(Msg 45) This has been a topic of conversation on a relationship blog I contribute to recently--my male counterpart started a discussion about starting out with a clear idea of what he wanted and then one by one crossing them off in an attempt to "keep" the relationship working. I'm not sure what the rules on links are here, so I won't include one, but if you're interested the blog is called Life, Love and Online Dating and the first post in that thread is called "On the Wrong Page".

Where is the “love”, the chemistry, that special connection when one goes about dating with a list like they’re grocery shopping? I feel that is what contributes to relationships not working/enduring. There never is that special connection. It’s nothing more than choosing a roommate or a buddy to hang around with.

That’s when we hear about couples “growing apart”. IMO, a romantic relationship is not about “friendship” qualities such as activities, similar interests, general views, etc. That’s not what causes the “excitement” when seeing a person.

In other words those things are not a good foundation for a romantic relationship. If the chemistry is there two people will want to spend time together doing activities because they will want to be together. It is the subconscious attraction that should cause two people to want to be together, not the activity or their political views, for example.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 75 (view)
no guys left wanting a partner? or even dates!!
Posted: 4/21/2010 4:49:08 PM

(OP) Dating is so dam hard.. why?..and why do guys' only want girls that live 5 mins away!!!

Because of the "I want to get to know you" stipulation. Any relationship that relies on week-end dating only is usually a waste of time.

My partner and I were over 30 miles apart but we decided to alternate staying at each others home early in the relationship. That way we were able to observe each others habits and lifestyle.

The distance question depends on how long people want to drag it out.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 36 (view)
Were you friends before you became lovers? How did it turn out?
Posted: 4/15/2010 8:07:19 PM

Did the relationship get better or worse? I'd like some stories. Some say the relationship changes for the better, others say it doesn't. I am curious. How about the relationships of your friends, too?

IMO, if the initial chemistry/attraction isn't there it doesn't last because it's the chemistry that holds couples together. It's that subconscious attraction that doesn't depend on anything specific. If the attraction is due to a specific quality/qualities a person has, which is usually the case with friendships turning into relationships, then there will always be others who have those qualities which means, at some point, the person is no longer special.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30 (view)
If he/she indicates a LTR intentions but not giving it to you
Posted: 4/14/2010 3:48:47 PM

(OP) Perhaps some people can see themselves being in serious relationship but do not see themselves at the moment. It doesn't mean they are lying or players.

Perhaps they get involved with you but learn something in you that they find highly undesiarble in their LTR partner or perhaps their chemistry level just isn't giving them the right level of signals. Again, doesn't mean they have emotional reservations.

What makes so many to believe that indication of LTR desires early on and later on not giving a degree/speed of relationship development means playing games/emotionally unavailibility/purpusely misleading and etc..... Based on forums way TOO many rush to the conclusion that another party is kinda in fault.

A few thoughts.

IMO, one of the problems is the difference between going slow because someone wants to get to know the other person verses going slow "getting to know" the other person. Like anything else one desires they will pursue it with "eagerness", for lack of a better word. If someone truly desires a LTR it follows they will want to spend as much time as possible with the other person in order to determne if they are the right one for them.

Another thing one must remember is everything a potential partner wants/needs to know about you are the things that will be necessary to maintain the relationship. The longer it takes them to commit, the more they need to know, means the more things that will be required for them to remain committed. Otherwise, why would they put importance on them?

IMO, romance or chemistry is given short shrift. While no one recommends jumping in head first it is that special connection/attraction that is vital because we are all just "regular folk". If a person is attracted to us due to things that others can readily possess then there will always be people who make a better fit. That's where the "dating up" or "trading up" occurs and relationships end.

In other words is the "getting to know you" a case of them already being "smitten" by you and they want to know if there are any skeletons or is it a case of not being "smitten" and they're still searching for reasons? Obviously, the latter is not a good sign.

Just saying.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 20 (view)
did i read the situation wrong?
Posted: 4/11/2010 6:10:29 AM

I read into those last things that since meeting she wasnt interested so sent her text saying i thought this was the case,next i got was saying she was not happy with my guilt trip type text

As Closer wrote in msg 18, "Not to mention, she didn't even have the common decency to just tell it like it was instead of leave you guessing.Who needs that passive aggressive,cowardly shit in their life?"

but i would of at least liked to have known her as a friend,

Would you really want to be friends with someone who acted like that?

While we're talking about friends I always found it strange when one would say, "If we don't connect we can always be friends." I tried to imagine how that would work in real life.

Let's say I find a partner (which I did). Do I tell her I'm meeting up with a gal I met when on the dating program? How many gals would be acceptable to meet up with?

Would you want your partner meeting guys who are still single and seeking a partner?

Do you think if a gal finds a partner her partner would want her to keep in touch with you? As soon as they find someone what do you think is going to happen to the "friendship"?

As others have mentioned it's best to meet as soon as possible to determine if a connection is there. If not, move on.

Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 443 (view)
What is it with men N freaking condoms!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 3/14/2010 6:42:44 PM

(Msg 451) Both men and women need to run the other way when a new partner suggests sex w/o a condom! If that person is willing to do it with you, they have been willing with others, and it is an absolute indicator of irresponsible behavior. Don't waste time wondering if this is an isolated incident--irresponsible people show their true colors sooner or later, and you should cut your losses now!

Unless a person is going to ask their potential partner to be tested when does one stop insisting on condoms?
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 24 (view)
Posted: 3/11/2010 4:04:43 PM

(OP) But anyways Im just wondering how do I overcome this and get him out of my head?

Get out and date!

I know, a lot of people advise against that but until you change the last thought in your mind it's going to stay there. If a dog bit you and you never petted another dog again the dog that bit you would remain in your head because that's the last experience your mind remembers.

It's the same with any failed relationship. One does not have to stay alone and relive the events trying to figure out what happened. They were there!!

You have to acquire new experiences to replace the old ones. Then you'll feel better.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1328 (view)
Can men deal with NOT getting blowjobs?
Posted: 3/5/2010 5:39:11 PM

(Msg 1331) As for-who says you can't kiss prostitutes-i'm just going by the stereotype idea that you dont kiss them-i'm sure there are exceptions.

I suppose if it's the start of her shift but after that we enter the "bad" breath realm.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 28 (view)
Do people really not act like themselves till in a committed relationship?
Posted: 3/5/2010 5:27:26 PM

(Msg 33) I disagree with most of the answers here.
In "How to get her back for good", George Karanastasis puts forth the argument that in many relationships after the initial honeymoon period a "needy/neglect" cycle sets in and drives a wedge between the partners. The idea is that one of them (generally the man) feels secure after the commitment is made and becomes complacent. The woman reads the complacency as the man becoming distant and, in turn the woman becomes needy. Neediness is the opposite of confidence, the thing that really brought the two together in the first place and the man is turned off by neediness. Most relationships can stand a small amount of this stress but unfortunately most couples are usually ignorant of what is going on and what to do about it. The cycle worsens until the inevitable happens.

I think the problem stems from the reasons people enter relationships. Many profiles mention how independent the person is. The profile reads along the lines of, "They have full life but are missing that special someone. They've been single and they are not going to settle. They don't "need" a relationship. They want one."

Sounds great. The problem is for someone who has a full life they expect their partner to fulfill the rolls of people they supposedly already have in their life. They're looking for a friend, a buddy, a pal to hang around with, someone with whom they can chit-chat for hours and, of course, who believes the way they do, etc, etc.

That's why we so frequently hear that sad, old refrain, "We grew apart". The question is, "Apart from what?" How often were they together when they were dating? A couple of times a week? I bet they didn't know the person's every move.

While it's important to know the person one has to be cautious when they hear, "I want to go slow getting to know you." Needing to know if the person is a convict is different than needing to know if they put their used dishes in the dishwasher . The things one needs to know are the things the relationship will be based on, otherwise, what is the point of needing to know them?

For example, a person may enjoy a certain activity. They do not realize the importance the other person puts on their enjoying that activity. Or they may believe a certain way and not realize the importance the other perosn puts on that so they change and that's when we hear, "We grew apart". IMO, a romantic relationship is not about those things. Each person had friends who filled that particular need. Or so they implied in their profile.

I believe not enough importance is put on chemistry or attraction. When one is truly attracted to the other person very few things matter.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30 (view)
'i met the love of my life on a sex site'
Posted: 2/27/2010 8:11:03 AM

(Msg 51) How stupid do you think we are?
Yeah, found the love of your life on a sex site, really? BS. I'll tell you what people have found on sex sites. They found women who say that it's all about the sex, only to find out later in the relationship that the women really wanted all the other things that other women want...romance, love, money, security. The women just manipulated the men using sex because men are foolish enough to fall for that kind of s hit.

I think you're missing the point. Of course a women seeking a relationship will want the usual things everyone expects from a relationship; namely: romance, love, security, etc. The difference is acknowledging the importance of sex.

People have different priorities. Those who say they must have a partner who enjoys many similar activities also want romance and love and the other things that go with a normal relationship. What they're saying is they don't want a couch potato regardless of how much the person may love them. Enjoying many activities is a priority to them.

Or well educated. Or well established financially. Or has an out-going personality. It doesn't mean they don't want love and romance, etc.

The same applies to sex. When I met my partner that's how I explained it. How much money she earned or whether she could cook a gourmet dinner was not a priority. Sex was.

It wasn't to be considered the "icing on the cake" or some other euphemism designed to denote it was going to be limited/rationed anymore than a person desiring a partner who participates in activities would want that partner to imply a game of golf or seeing to a movie or going skiing would be the "icing on the cake" or some rare, special event.

Oh yeah, the std's are a great find to.

While there may be one night stands it doesn't take long to be tested. If two people meet and the sexual attraction is there the tests are relatively inexpensive and the results received in a few days.

Again, one has to differentiate between an individual seeking multiple partners and those who are simply seeking a person who believes regular sex is a healthy, natural part of a romantic relationship.

There are those who have a sex drive independent of whether or not their partner bought roses, took the garbage out, walked the dog, cooked dinner, cut the lawn, had an indepth conversation regarding remodelling the bathroom, discussed vacation plans, brought home a huge pay check (cheque) or sent their mother-in-law a Mother's Day gift.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 26 (view)
'i met the love of my life on a sex site'
Posted: 2/26/2010 6:37:31 PM
I've never joined a sex site but I can certainly see the logic.

Occasionally I'll check the profiles of posters here and rather than sex with strings attached it would be more accurate to say it's sex with rope and chains attached.

A romantic relationship is about sex. That is the defining factor. While sex is not the only thing and other things are important they are not as important as sex. Sex is the bonding material. Not activities or "friendship" qualities and I believe that's where many go wrong. They seek a buddy or pal and the connection or chemistry isn't strong enough.

Frequently I hear that if the friendship is strong sex just falls into place. That's the problem. It just falls. It just happens. The couple just slide into a relationship without the passion and "I want you!" feeling.

My personal experience is if the sex is great everything else falls into place. After more than a few "let's be friends first" relationships I decided to try something different. Shortly after my partner and I met she asked what I expected from a relationship and I answered, "Sex!"

After a good laugh I explained further that a successful romantic relationship depended on that "I want you!" feeling. Not, he's OK or she's OK or, yea, the sex is OK. It had to be YES! I want more! That complete, overwhelming desire had to be there.

We both agreed it was and that was 14 years ago and it's still there. Differences, disagreements, moments of "What the hell are you talking about" came and went.

It is that innate desire, the chemistry, the sexual attraction that we have no conscious control over or that we don't consciously have to manufacture that is the bonding material. That's probably why people on those adult sites end up in relationships.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 5 (view)
Am I expecting too much?
Posted: 2/11/2010 6:57:59 PM

(OP) Then one day we had a one day course together, so two weeks of not see each other we get to spend the day,. I am standing there while she talks to one of her friends(I'm ok with that) but then she walks off for 10 mins no bye, nothing,.

Well, she definitely lacks manners. When one is with their partner the polite thing to do is to let them know where they're going. It's just the decent thing to do. Unless, of course, she doesn't want people to think you are partners.

I suggest a quick, honest talk. Ask her straight out. If the "thrill" has gone that's no place for you to be.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 8 (view)
Dating Someone out of a long relationship
Posted: 2/11/2010 6:33:01 PM
See how she advances towards a relationship with you. Do you plan on living together? If so, see if she is enthusiastic about discussing it. Does she want to spend time with you?

Depending on what her last relationship was like maybe she got over it quickly. I got over a 13 year marriage real quick. I was married young and when we split I realized just what I was missing.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 62 (view)
So is it men, women or both?
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:22:27 AM

(Msg 106) As for the friends versus sex debate, there is no tried and true format, that universally works for all. Also if you don't have friends, or drop them because their outlook or interests change, I'm sorry for you. I have a boatlaod of acquaitences, but few actual friends, only a handful.

It’s not dropping them but as we change interests it’s natural we won’t spend the same amount of time with them. If we used to spend Friday night shooting pool or Saturday morning golfing together we will be spending that time with someone else. Friendships are usually based on an activity.

If as you say, sex from how you describe it's importance is 60% of the relationship, than I believe it cannot last. Sooner or later, you well maybe come bored with the same wo/man.

Unless ones partner doesn’t participate I can’t see losing interest in sex. That said, it’s the feeling or innate attraction that I’m talking about. If that is strong everything else falls into place.

Should we be lucky enough to meet someone who causes us to say “WOW!”, someone who really stirs us, are we thinking about who they voted for or whether or not they like to ski? Those things are not important then so why would they become important later?

A balance is needed, also shared interests beyond the bedroom. But that's my opinion, not neccessarily anyone elses. Sex is just one component of a healthy relationship, and failure of any of the others, is just as deadly to a relationship, as sex is.

I think that’s unfortunate as it results in what we so often see today. By people wanting “everything” they end up with nothing.

Most people here say they have relatively full lives. A job. Friends. Acquaintances. Interests. All they’re missing is that “special other” for those lonely nights, someone to share a Saturday morning breakfast with, that small portion of their lives they feel is empty.

Is that really the truth? It appears not if one expects their “special other” to be “everything” and that’s where I feel society has made a wrong turn. Men and women did different things throughout history. Just because they can now do the same things due to equality doesn’t mean they have to do the same things.

Romance, passion, lust, chemistry, whatever name one chooses, has been pushed aside and then people whine about romantic relationships not lasting. Is it any wonder? Maybe people should be saying their friend left them or their business partner left them or their golf buddy left them but not their romantic partner.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 58 (view)
So is it men, women or both?
Posted: 2/4/2010 10:09:38 AM

(Msg 68) wow dave1234 that is the most wonderful, enlightened, brilliant stroke of insanity ive ever heard. relationships built on friendship a bad thing , really. if your views on friendship and chemistry (aka i wanna bang you attraction) were reversed you may have been onto something.

Friendship does not replace chemistry. The majority of people split up because they "grow apart"? Grow apart from what? From the same things that friendships are made of. A romantic relationship based on friendship qualities will end up the same way all friendships end up. Unless our friends change their interests along with us we tend to grow apart and find new friends who enjoy the same interests. That's why a romantic relationship based on a friendship is a bad thing.

Most people can recall their first crush or first love while in their middle teens. While the, as you so eloquently put it, "banging attraction" was there most likely no one was banging anyone at that time but try and recall your feelings. What was more important than just being together?

That's what I'm talking about. Those feelings along with intimacy (sex) are what bonds an adult, romantic relationship. Romantic couples become friends by virtue of spending time together. It's the wanting to be together, not the activity that bonds.

I met an attractive lady who was well educated and held a high paying job. I was a blue-collar worker earning considerably less and I was also nine years older. Add to that our differences included religion, culture, politics and native language. Talk about the perfect storm.

One day she asked what was important to me as far as a relationship was concerned. I immediately answered, “Sex!” After the moment of shock we both had a good laugh. She then replied she couldn’t see that being a problem and it wasn’t as we had recently met and sex is usually good at the beginning of all relationships.

I explained I was referring to sex 10 years down the road. We all know the desire doesn’t remain at the peak it is at the beginning but is the desire strong enough now so that as it decreases there will still be sufficient desire left? She replied she understood the importance of sex.

One Saturday morning last summer I was sweeping up the grass clippings after cutting the lawn. I turned to see her standing in the garage motioning for me to come to her. She didn’t want to stand in the driveway as she still had her housecoat on. When I approached she said, “I’m going to have a shower. Do you want to join me?” I dropped the broom and shovel at the garage door and……well, I’m sure we all know the rest of the story. We had been together 13 years then.

That is what constitutes a romantic relationship. People date and dance around but it all comes down to the same thing. Replace the desire that should be natural with friendship qualities and relationships don’t last. People have been doing that since the equality movement of the 60s. They believe because men and women can do the same things they have to find a partner who does the same things. Friendship things. A buddy. A pal. And that’s exactly what they end up with until, of course, they change their interests/activities. Then they split and remain friends because that’s all they were.

It appears you will be finding that out the hard way.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 38 (view)
So is it men, women or both?
Posted: 2/2/2010 7:41:28 PM

(OP) On 2 or 3 recent forums, attitudes degenerated into a us or them mentality, demonstrated by many women and men, to describe the problems with the opposite sex. Distrust, seems so high, people seem less likely to put themselves out there, make themselves vulnerable to the next potential mate............

Is this as I suspect, an issue of many of the posters, not getting past last relationships, the pain caused and an inability to trust anyone of the opposite sex? I doubt this is unique to either gender, but it sures seems relevant.

Here's my take on it. I think it's due to the nature of internet dating. We read a profile or notice a post someone made and contact the individual. Then starts the "friendship" evaluation. The emails. The phone calls. The initial bonding.

Then comes the meeting. In many cases we wouldn't have approached that individual in a regular, real life setting. It's not that they aren't attractive. It's just that the person wouldn't have normally caught our attention at, say, a coffee shop or social function.

The problem is, due to to the previous emails and phone calls, we feel an attachment so we have our coffee or drink and get along reasonably well. What has happened is the initial glance and being drawn to the person (chemistry), which would normally happen in everyday life, has been supplanted by the "friendship" connection.

Then the relationship follows the all too familiar path of a friendship. Similiar activities, points of view, attitude.....the same path as any friendship takes. What is supposed to be a romantic relationship is built on a friendship platform.

Inevitably, the two become intimate. What do we have? We have a "friends with benefits" situation. How else can we describe it? It started out as friends and the benefits followed.

After experiencing a number of those "relationships" people naturally become cynical. The strange thing is many insist on taking the same route. "I want to be friends first. Don't dare mention a sexual attraction!" Of course, a romantic relationship is based on sexual attraction. To be sure there are other components but the sexual connection is what defines a romantic relationship. That passion for the other individual.

My suggestion is to meet as soon as possible to see if the chemistry is there, the natural, initial attraction. All it takes is a 15 -30 minute meeting. Then the relationship can continue to build from a friendship standpoint.

That may be against conventional wisdom but I've found without that chemistry/sexual attraction/desire the relationship does not bond properly. It's just a form of friends with benefits and as people keep living those relationships we see the result in the forums.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 34 (view)
So, if half the fun is in the chase....
Posted: 2/2/2010 4:58:21 PM

(Msg 78) Everyone who knows me tells me this is why I have trouble keeping a man interested-cause I dont make him chase me. (even men tell me this) If I really like him, I tell him so. I dont want to see him do tricks and play games to try and 'catch me'. I don’t run away. However, I am who I am, and I feel the right man will like that about me.

Why would you want to keep a man who desires a continual chase? If he doesn’t enjoy what he catches then he’s just not into you.

Those desiring the chase usually end up lamenting the result. The reason being all the while the chase continues the person being chased starts to become emotionally involved with the chaser. “He must really like me. He’s been pursuing me for ever!” Of course, when the chase is over and the chaser moves on the damage is considerable.

One has to ask themselves which situation they are more comfortable handling. Meeting someone, really liking them, being intimate, then dumped. Or meeting someone, really liking them, going slow and becoming more attached, then being intimate and dumped.

I suppose it all depends on what ones seeks. If it’s casual dating then the chase is part of the package. If it’s a long-term, share-lives arrangement one seeks then they wouldn’t deliberately stall.

When the right man comes along you won’t have to “keep him interested”. He’ll WANT you. He won’t be able to get enough of you!

(Msg 81) What I wonder is there something we miss---say---do--- or not do that could make the difference in keeping that intensity of interest in the LONG run than over the short haul.

I believe so. One has to ask the person what’s important to them relationship-wise. Are they happy just being in your company or do they have to be doing something? Do you feel like you’re only a pal, a sidekick? If you’re in the kitchen do they just come in and put their arm around you for no reason? If you’re walking through a parking lot to a store entrance do they reach for your hand? Do they WANT you? And, of course, do you do the same things?

As you mentioned the sizzle often fizzles and that's why a strong sexual attraction is so important. The passion never maintains the peak it hits at the earliest part of a relationship so if it's luke warm to begin with we all know what the result will be. If one requires "persuasion" in the beginning the effort to get ones partner "in the mood" as time passes will become more and more of an effort. There reaches a point where the effort becomes a turn-off for the other partner and the relationship slowly dries up.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 27 (view)
So, if half the fun is in the chase....
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:35:21 PM

(OP) Then why does it seem after a man or woman has 'caught' the object of their desire they suddenly lose interest?

I can think of two possible reasons. First, if a person wants something and an individual deliberately makes it difficult for them to obtain what would be their natural reaction? The line between wanting to know someone and just playing the person is a blurry one. The feelings of desire and “gentleness” become a strength of wills.

The blame for the second reason can be placed squarely on the equality movement of the 60’s. (More on this later.)

(Msg 16) I'm with a lot of the people who've replied in that I don't do games well...I detest drama...and simply want to enjoy the company of another person. I know that the newness of anything can wane over time---but if you truly care about someone---why does time have to diminish things??? It is a perplexing issue for me at least.

The reason things diminish can be blamed on the 60’s equality movement, as well. What happened was when men and women started to do the same things they started to look for partners who did the same things. The search for a romantic partner became a search for a friend, a buddy, a pal and, like all such relationships, when we change interests one buddy is replaced with another buddy who enjoys our current interests.

Have you noticed how many couples split up today and remain friends? The reason is that was all they were, friends. Friends with benefits. Not true lovers. Their relationship was based on friendship qualities first.

We see this frequently in the profiles and on the threads. While I not advocating jumping in bed on the first date how long does it take to know someone? Know, as in if they’re a convict or a bum or some other major deal breaker. The point is the “getting to know” is similar to how we would get to know a friend. There is no chemistry or so little chemistry (sexual attraction) that the relationship hasn’t got a chance of enduring.

I, like most people, had to find this out the hard way. I was part of the equality generation, the generation where the importance of sex was dismissed and one advised to choose a partner based on similar activities and their holding similar views and having been brought up in a similar way. Same religion, same culture, same ideals. We were told those things guaranteed a long lasting relationship and sex, well, sex just happens naturally. Don’t worry about it. So people started ignoring the chemistry and I define chemistry as that subconscious attraction. Not just physical but an attraction that says, “I want you!”

As much as some people like to dance around it the litmus test of a romantic relationship is whether or not one feels like having sex with the person. Not just, “They’re OK” but is the burning desire there? Does one want to be with their partner because of a desire for sex or because of they play golf or have a good job or like dogs or enjoy the same movies or know what wine goes with what meal or……..?

That is why relationships don’t endure and when I met my partner and she asked what I expected from a relationship I immediately answered, “Sex!” At that time we had recently met. The sex was great and she replied she couldn’t see that being a problem. I countered I was talking about 10 years down the road. That feeling we feel for each other during and after making love is what bonds two people. It’s nature’s way of making two people agreeable, if you will.

That was 14 years ago and just like 14 years ago we take the occasional opportunity on a rainy Saturday afternoon for some afternoon delight. No special dinner, no surprise gift……. nothing compares to the bonding that takes place.

Just saying.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 281 (view)
Fitness and attraction
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:06:14 AM

(Msg 579) You can change the way you perceive others by opening your mind. It happens all the time. People will often say "I never found XYZ attractive until I met my husband/BF/wife/GF."

The same applies to other factors people use for screening.

When I met my partner we were so different that no one, including us, felt there was a hope in Hell of anything coming of it. Our differences included native language, religion, culture, political views, education, income and a nine year age difference. She had completed five years of university and was in a high paying job. I was a blue collar worker and nine years older. Go figure. I mention the details as people usually assume I was a guy with $$$ and she was a naive little girl.

We met in a park, sight unseen, as we connected through a phone dating system. We had never even seen a picture of each other. We met at 11 am and parted company at 7 pm, 8 hours later! I still don't recall exactly what we did.

I remember we went for lunch and then she followed in her car and we drove to another park. Then I followed her to a store to buy some office supplies. Later we had dinner and she followed me back to my home. After listening to music and chatting she left at 7 pm even though I was a gentleman and offered her a bed for the night.

While people do have preferences I agree with you it's vital people meet unless there is a strong aversion. I know if we had exchanged emails and simply compared similarities we would never have met.

I believe many people forget what romantic relationships are all about. IMO, they are not friendships, in the conventional sense. There's an underlying connection which has nothing to do with the similarities that are present in friendships. The connection is chemistry out of which friendship grows. It's the wanting to be together that promotes wanting to do similar activities and wanting to listen to their view on subjects even if diametrically opposed to ones own view.

As for weight, unless obese, I certainly prefer dealing with a few extra pounds on someone who is truly desirous of me as opposed to a model with less enthusiasm. The turn-on of an active participant easily overrides any turn-off a few extras pounds may pose. There's no contest.

BTW, we've been together 14 years now. When that "I want you!" feeling hits nothing can stop it.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 36 (view)
Help! I need an opinion
Posted: 1/28/2010 8:47:15 PM

(OP) Anyway, I rang him and he seemed cagey, so I asked if he was alone (he had been in bed asleep at this point). He said no, and I asked who he was with. I asked him several times and he wouldn't reply. Then I heard sounds of the door opening and him going outside in the corridor, and only then would he speak. I asked him again who he was with, and he said it was a guy who has recently come over from his home country of Pakistan.....

I just skimmed the replies but didn't see any reference to what I perceive to be the elephant in the room.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 78 (view)
Why would a guy go on this site looking for friends???
Posted: 1/26/2010 5:05:57 PM
On a few occasions people have asked why I am here rather than on a "friendship" site. The truth is I checked a few "friendship" sites and POF is like a church Pik-Nik in comparison.

One site (IMVU), billing itself as a "friendship" site, has private rooms and avatars which interact depicting virtual sex. I doubt the Mrs. would appreciate seeing me at the computer frantically toggling the left and right arrows.

There are other similar "friendship" sites with 20-something gals offering virtual sex for credits with which they buy furnishings and outfits so the individual who chooses POF for friendship is more likely interested in friendship than sex.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 214 (view)
Fitness and attraction
Posted: 1/25/2010 6:05:16 PM

(Msg 512) A person who is overweight often tends to compensate by having a fantastic sense of humor or willing do to whatever it takes to please you!
But, at the end of the day, it`s the chemistry that really matters.

If I'm with a woman who is "willing do to whatever it takes to please" then it would take a LOT of weight to disrupt the chemistry.

I'm talking a LOT of weight. Beaucoup. πολύς. Molto. Mycket. 许多

Well, you get the idea.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 63 (view)
How to give a good blow job?
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:43:11 PM
We all have our preferences. While enthusiasm on the gals part is vital I find the position makes a world of difference. With the gal, naked, lying on top the visual increases stimulation. Any other position feels like 1/2 the enjoyment is missing.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 166 (view)
Fitness and attraction
Posted: 1/19/2010 7:39:26 PM

(Msg 425) learn how to make healthy smoothies and for goodness sakes buy a juicer.

FYI. If anyone has an old Hamilton Beach juicer check their web site. Some were recalled. We emailed HB with our serial number and they sent a new one. FREE! No shipping. No taxes. Nada.

Works great.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 10 (view)
My boyfriend cheated on me/didn't cheat on's a confusing tale.
Posted: 1/17/2010 9:24:19 AM
It sounds like neither one of you gives a damn about the other.

You've known each other 18 months and only realized you had a relationship since August? The problem is neither one of you really has passion for the other. You're friends with benefits.

When two people meet there is either an immediate connection or there isn't. That doesn't mean hopping into bed but it does mean the "wanting to" is there. Far too often a guy and a gal hang out together and sort of slide into a relationship. It's easy. It's convenient. It's comfortable. But it's not passion.

That's why he does what he wants and you keep talking about leaving. Then you make up, have some handy sex, then things start all over again.

It's no ones fault. The passion is just not there. And as for "working" on a relationship I find that so bizarre. Romance is not work. Either both people are putting in more than their share or something is terribly wrong.

If talking about a long term marriage then working on it is more often preferable to a divorce but, in any case, the passion is usually gone. In your case I doubt the passion was ever there so why are you there? Get a man who will not only appreciate your touch but will encourage it!

He did not like to have his penis touched in any way and would push my hand away ....

Outrageous!! As a young woman you have the right to deal with a penis in any non-violent fashion you so desire and, sooner or later you will, be it his penis or someone elses.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 21 (view)
Do people really not act like themselves till in a committed relationship?
Posted: 1/17/2010 5:37:55 AM

(OP) My question is if they aren't being themselves before a relationship how would I ever know if I want a relationship at all with them? Is this really common for people not to be themselves till marrage? Or do they start being themselves when they are your boyfriend or girlfriend?

That's the problem with this idea of "going slow". The casual weekend dates spread over months. Who isn't going to be in a good mood going out Saturday night? Or having Sunday brunch?

Shortly after my partner and I met we alternated staying at each others home. What is the person like Monday morning getting ready for work? What are they like coming home on a Wednesday after a bad day at the office? That is the person with whom one will be living. There will be many more Monday mornings and Wednesday evenings than there will be Saturday nights going out.

After a few dates and both people are interested it's time to be adult about it and discuss things.

I was 43 and my partner 34 when we met. The connection was readily apparent and not long after she asked what I expected from a relationship. I immediately answered, "Sex!" After a second or two of silence we both laughed.

Hell. I was 43. If I couldn't say what was important to me by then I may as well give up. I explained sex was important now and it would be 10 years from now. Either one enjoyed sex or they didn't. It was not the "icing on the cake" or "that special extra" or any other euphemism people like to use. It is an integral part of a romantic relationship.

As a side note I've heard people say relationships that have sex at their base usually fail after the newness or novelty wears off. Novelty?

Do people really say, "No, thank-you. Orgasms are getting old."

It's easy for one to "put on a front" when casually dating. Four to five hours a week having a good time is not the optimal way to learn about a person. Spend time with the person doing what couples would do if living together assuming that's what you're seeking.

Preparing dinner together. Watching TV for an evening. One doing laundry at ones home while the other person uses the computer or watches TV. In other words recreating what life would normally be like. That is how two people get to know one another.

BTW, it's 13 years later and still going strong.

It's not that difficult, at least it shouldn't be, for two adults to sit down and discuss things and "live together" by alternating homes. Either finding a relationship is a priority for them or it isn't.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 41 (view)
What would you do if the sex was really bad!
Posted: 1/14/2010 4:26:26 PM

(Msg 154) No two women are the same so yes a man needs to be trained in how to pleasure you.

Besides, I don't think there are many men who, when confronted by a woman saying, "I want to train you in bed", would reply, "No! Never! I refuse!"
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 27 (view)
At a crossroads, selling house
Posted: 1/14/2010 4:18:26 PM

(Msg 66) I spent 18 years with someone who was completely different than the person I thought I married.

There must have been something you liked.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 4 (view)
Shall I give up ???
Posted: 1/10/2010 6:56:25 PM
Long distance relationships are difficult. It's not natural for two lovers to be apart.

Have you considered living together?
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 12 (view)
At a crossroads, selling house
Posted: 1/10/2010 1:38:31 PM
And now for something completely (well, a little bit) different.

I'd suggest renting your home and living with her. (You never mentioned anything about your job so how is that going to play out?)

You have to remember that you'll be living with three other people, not just one, and the other two don't have the hots for ya.

That said, I met a gal and six months later we had purchased a home and were living together. There were no children involved. That was 13 years ago and things are going great!

She was hesitant, however, we were both employed and responsible. She felt it was a bit of a rush, however, I explained that should the situation deteriorate we simply move out, rent the place and/or put it up for sale.

I didn't like the idea of renting an apartment as one tends to get comfortable, time passes, then one wonders why they didn't buy a house in the first place.

Also, we both put down an equal downpayment. Things were 50/50. Two adults making an adult decision. It's that old saying, "You're either in or you're out."

Your case is different because of the children. If one or both don't care for you, you are in for one miserable life. Just tell her you're keeping the house as an investment and find decent tenants.

Good luck.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 37 (view)
maybe someone out there has an better idea of why
Posted: 1/9/2010 7:40:03 PM

(OP) a relatioship started innocently and exactly just that 2 people meet and talk, friends.
5 months later ..............Friends said " he will grow on you, just make friends first" ........ they become intimate... and all has why does that happen? he no longer wants to kiss, or hug, he is always criticizing.

While more than a few have expressed the idea he used her perhaps it's the other way around. A man will sense when love isn't there.

While "caring" is great a man wants a woman who desires him. It's quite likely she doesn't find him to be the "all and a bag of chips".

For five months she didn't find him attractive but took her friend's advice that he'll "grow on her". What is the guy, a wart?

There is probably a massive lack of passion and he feels it. While a sympathy "get-together" definitely has it's place it's not a foundation for a relationship. Ask your friend if the intimacy is out of passion or because he carries the grocery bags.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30 (view)
Uncomfortable dating?
Posted: 1/6/2010 1:06:26 PM

(OP) Friendships developing into the dating area seems more natural. But simply seeing someone you have never met before? The atmosphere is so thick with "I want to sleeeep with you!".

Do people not have a problem with this?

When I was dating I used a phone dating service so meeting someone was essential in order to see what they looked like. After listening to their AD, leaving a voice message, then speaking directly with the person a meeting was arranged.

The meeting was a 15 - 30 minute affair. Coffee. A drink. A walk. Whatever. After the time elapsed we both went our separate ways and if one was interested they would call the other when they arrived home.

The "rules" were no questions would be asked that might put the other individual on the spot. For example, "Am I what you expected?" "Are you glad we met?" Etc. Etc. Having previously spoken with each other a number of times on the phone we had a good idea what the other was seeking. The meeting was to determine if the "vibes" were present.

That approach removed any of the uncomfortable feelings you mentioned. The conversation was strictly casual.

Perhaps if you tried a similar approach you might find it more comfortable.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 6 (view)
Need some advice here
Posted: 1/2/2010 6:24:27 PM

She tells me she hasn't been intimate with a man since me over 2 years ago. I'm a bit concerned about getting into a serious relationship with her. Something just doesn't feel right,...

Hmmm, let's throw out a few possibilities.

Did she keep part of her body covered? Maybe she's scarred from the accident and didn't want you to know about it yet.

Maybe she has herpes. Apparently stress can cause an outbreak and if she had sex with you and then a day or two later suffered an outbreak she'd have to tell you why the sex has to stop.

I guess my input doesn't help, huh?
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 22 (view)
breakup - a necessarily mutual decision?
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:14:19 PM

How do you break up with people like that?
What's your experience?

I experienced that once in my life and it didn't end very well.

I had made it clear we were finished. The reason was we would discuss things, make plans, then she would do whatever she felt like doing. The third time that occurred I decided I'd had enough.

We tried to remain civil and two weeks later she called to ask if I'd like to spend a few days at the beach, as friends. I reaffirmed we were only friends and I was not interested in resuming the relationship. She agreed.

As it quickly became apparent she tried to turn the mini get-away into a romantic interlude, I resisted, things quickly went downhill.

Lesson learned the hard way.

Now it's no contact. Finished. It makes no more sense than quitting ones job but returning every day to hang around the office.

As for remaining friends that's another no-no. Most romantic relationships involved making plans, commitments, etc. When an individual ends a relationship without "just cause" it means all the things the person said were lies. At best, they didn't keep their word. Who would want such an individual as a friend? Their word means nothing.

I no doubt hold old fashioned views, however, I take romantic relationships seriously. I don't go from "let's share our lives" to "let's be pals".
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 27 (view)
Loving someone just because they love you...
Posted: 12/24/2009 7:30:57 PM

(OP) It comes as a surprise to me that someone can settle this way simply because they want to be in a relationship and someone expresses a love interest in you.
Would you be in a relationship with someone if you were not completely
satisfied with them and wanted someone better?

Tough call.

All jokes aside knowing a person loves me, desires me, increases my desire for them because of the way they would treat me. There is nothing worse than being with a person one adores while knowing the feeling isn't mutual.

The fault I find with your friend is he doesn't appreciate what he has. I never understood why some guys would prefer a "hot" individual who "mildly" cared for them as opposed to a not-so-hot individual who desired to please them.

Of course, I am a firm believer that sexual attraction is the required basis for any romantic relationship. My experience has taught me a not-so-hot individual who is crazy about me is a much better lover than a "hot" individual who has luke warm feelings.

I think your friend is setting himself up for a big letdown.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 35 (view)
Posted: 12/19/2009 9:50:48 AM

(OP) And if there are these saintly people (which I've seen the type posting on here) that can keep giving and giving expecting nothing in return, then how exactly are they getting what they want out of a relationship? Or if they require a "balance" then really they're not only motivated to do these things out of love, expecting nothing in return.....or is the feeling of selflessly loving someone the "pay off"? and is that enough? When does it go from "selflessly loving" to being taken advantage of?

".... how exactly are they getting what they want out of a relationship?"

That's the problem that is all too common today. People look at a romantic relationship as one would a "friendship relationship" or a "business relationship". They evaluate the romantic relationship in an overall sense, however, a romantic relationship is based on romance. That is really all ones partner should be expected to provide.

Since equality was instituted I believe people have mistaken compatibility in a number of areas as necessary for a romantic relationship but couples never did the same things or enjoyed the same things throughout history.

Is it a lover one searches for or is it a roommmate? Is it a lover one wants or a business partner? A lover or a golf partner? A lover or a housekeeper?

While it's great to "have it all" what frequently happens is romance is traded for other things. The relationship slowly veers away from romance and becomes a basic partnership. More roommate then amour. More buddy or pal than lover and we all know what happens and where those relationships end up.

Unless a person is physically or mentally ill they will want to do a minimum of things for the other person even if it's just out of boredom.

I believe, as a society, we lost the importance of passion when it comes to choosing a romantic partner. Be it family or friends we're encouraged to seek a certain type of individual as if the position of romantic partner is open and we're trying to fill it as opposed to coming across someone and then deciding they would make a romantic partner. This is born out by the idea it takes forever to get to know someone.

Barring some highly objectionable habit the only thing one needs to know is does the person incite passion.

Going by many of the profiles it appears the more independent a person is the more they require from a romantic partner which leads one to conclude one of two things. Either they are not all that independent or romance plays a small role in the grand scheme of things. Either one should raise eyebrows.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 11 (view)
Why would a guy go on this site looking for friends???
Posted: 12/11/2009 7:22:22 PM

This guy I know says hes not ready for a relationship but then he gos and makes a profile on here looking for friends? girls? he has friends already..including me. I mean how many friends does a person need. I know I only need a few good close friends. Just kinda fishy to me..and a slap in the face. Do you know where Im coming from??

No idea, whatsoever.

Your profile reads, "just looking for friendship." Did you slap yourself in the face???
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 18 (view)
Posted: 12/11/2009 6:42:26 PM

(OP) Alot of people say when you are in a loving relationship you give things, time, effort, emotions ect, out of the pure motivation of only to give out of love, seeking nothing in return. How realistic is this?

It's realistic if one chooses to only love those who love them. While that may sound selfish or contrived we have to remember that on the other side of the coin we have stalkers.

If one thinks back to "young love" what did they ask from their amour except to spend time with them? When two people love each other they each contribute more than their share so neither one is in a position of receiving nothing. They give expecting nothing because they are already receiving more than they ever expected.

I believe the problem lies NOT in not receiving enough but in knowing their partner doesn't really love them. Then it ends up at the "let's work at this relationship" stage which, to my way of thinking, means the romantic relationship has failed and it's nothing more than a friendship/roommate arrangement.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 71 (view)
Why are we in such a hurry?
Posted: 12/11/2009 5:29:56 AM

(Msg 100)
(Msg 91) You bet i'm in a Hurry, and i refuse to waste time on Estrogen challanged women past their prime who only want a man for the social grace it provides them.

I absolutely hate it whenever these forums turn into a war of the sexes. Some has to say something ugly. They have to attack. I don't understand this war that some are fighting.....but what I do know is it sounds ugly and bitter. I do know that.

I take Mr_just_like_dat's comment to be directed at those who have either forgotten or lost the ability to feel passion and I think that affects both sexes. Regardless of ones views on sex and chemistry I'm sure most of us experienced that passion in our youth.

The person we were "willing to die for" was not our friend or buddy. While actual sex may or may not have played a part at 15 or 16 years of age or later there was something other than friendship that caused us to hurry. There was no such thing as spending too much time together. We couldn't hurry fast enough to be with the other person. That's what's frequently missing as older people date and that's what I understand Mr_just_like_dat to be saying.

While companionship and friendship are great they do not make for a romantic relationship. They do not generate those feelings necessary to ensure a strong bond.

In a true romantic relationship "why hurry" is replaced with "I can't get enough of you" which a wise person will quickly discern.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 20 (view)
should i be concerned about those three things i mentioned are those red flags
Posted: 12/8/2009 7:26:35 PM

(OP) So anyhoo Im in a relationship with my bf , who we'll be making 1 year in the next 2 weeks.

That says it all.

Of course it seems strange you didn't "share" the money at the casino. Or he doesn't drive you home. Or the conversations appear one sided.

The reason is the relationship is not "natural". While one part of the relationship is being played out as two people dating (you pack a weekend bag) the other part of the relationship is you have been together for a year.

You're together but not together. You are thoroughly familiar with each other, yet, the relationship is played out like two people casually dating. There are aspects of the relationship and feelings that correspond with a permanent, live-together arrangement while there are other aspects and feelings that are more associated with dating.

So, what type of relationship do you have?

If neither of you have made the effort to live together then I suggest it isn't going to work. The passion and natural feelings for bonding have been squandered over the last year assuming they were ever there.

If the relationship further develops it's going to be one of friendship with benefits.

The point is when you first met the guy he would have wanted to drive you home because he would have wanted to spend all the time he could with you. He would have discussed you living with him because, again, he would have wanted to spend as much time with you as possible.

The same applies to you. You would have made arrangements to be together. You're 22 and 24, respectively. If both of you are lacking that burning desire to be together, which appears to be the case, the relationship won't last.

Friendship does not hold a romantic relationship together and the best of friends find that out every day. The "red flags" are signs the passion is not there and I'd bet it isn't there on your part either.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 19 (view)
Meet someone but running out of things to say.
Posted: 12/5/2009 7:40:53 PM

(Msg 21) dave1234-
I'm am the biggest sucker for happy endings. : )

Thanks! Although I do have 10 years of dating stories that don't have happy endings.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 18 (view)
Meet someone but running out of things to say.
Posted: 12/5/2009 7:19:52 PM
(OP) I meet this women on here and we are hitting it off pretty good.Im really interested in her and she seems really interested in me.But the thing is we seem to be running out of things to talk about.I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

Time for a true story, Big John.

Shortly after my partner and I met we were in her car driving somewhere (I forget where) and the conversation started to stall. It's probably the worst place for that to happen as one can't get up and move around or offer a coffee or do anything but sit a couple of feet from each other.

Anyway, she turned to me and said, "We don't have to keep talking. I don't mind the silence."

That was a major click or turning point for me! That was 13 years ago and we're happily married.

So, don't worry about it. It's a quality over quantity thing. It's more important what you say as opposed to always saying something.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 22 (view)
Posted: 12/5/2009 7:01:52 PM

Darn! Margo gives all the good advice in one post.

Nothing else to add.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 64 (view)
Why are we in such a hurry?
Posted: 12/1/2009 5:16:18 PM

(Msg 82) Hopefully they have figured out why "ALL" the people they were close to at one time are not in their lives today. Hopefully, they have figured out what being in a hurry in the past cost them.

What did it cost them? You wrote,
They are rushing as fast as they can into their next bad relationship, or at least a relationship that will last for a few months before they find themselves rushing off to claim a different person for the vacancy in their lives.

Isn't it better to get to know the person as thoroughly as possible as quickly as possible? What benefit is derived from casually dating someone for months and not really "knowing" them in the sense of what they're like on a Monday morning getting ready for work or on a Wednesday night after a crappy day at the office?

Once my partner and I had "the talk" things went in a specific direction. We alternated spending week nights and weekends at each other's home. How else could we determine compatibility living together?

Whether she brought work from the office to do at my place while I did my laundry or I spent the evening/night at her place watching TV or reading while she did her housework we experienced how we fit together.

While there were a few false starts over my dating years I always appreciated knowing sooner rather than later so I and they could move on and find the right person. I'm not sure what people get out of the weekend dating as far as getting to know someone. Who isn't in a good mood going out on a Saturday night?

I suppose if someone sold their home or quit their job to move across country before knowing the person I would consider that hurrying but how is wanting to know a person you are drawn to considered hurrying? Also, how many people are one drawn to, to the extent they are considering them as a partner?

I frequently read guys are loath to commit. Wouldn't making plans and moving along be a good way to determine if they are serious? I can't see players willing to spend their nights doing "nothing" at a gals house; night after night, week after week. However, if two people connect they have so much to talk about and plan resulting in the evenings flying by.

Anyway, just asking. I'd be one lost puppy if I was even thrown back into the dating pool.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 57 (view)
Why are we in such a hurry?
Posted: 12/1/2009 10:09:31 AM

(Msg 79) I think what you will find is a lot of men and women in their 40's and 50's have been in love before. They recognize when they are attracted to someone, they realize the difference between seeing a connection and wanting to jump into bed. Some people realize they're not getting any younger and hope to find someone to spend their life with, not necessarily because they are porn-obsessed lonely desperate seniors, but because they remember what it was like to be close to someone.

Exactly! At 43 I met my partner who was 34. If people want to talk about being in a hurry we purchased a home and were living together within six months. That was 13 years ago and we're still together. And, yes, sex was and is at the top of my list! Fortunately, my wife feels the same way.

What some people fail to realize is all the things a potential partner wants/needs to know about them are things that will determine the success of the relationship. Yes, all those little quirks. Those habits and beliefs. All your views and opinions.

Whatever is important to know before a relationship commences are the very same things that will have a bearing on the continuation of the relationship. Otherwise, it wouldn't be important to know them.

So, while some may be flattered one wants to take time to get to know every detail of their lives they best remember the underlying reason/consequences. Whatever is required to start a relationship will be required to maintain it.

For example, if knowing and agreeing with ones political views are important before a relationship commences they will be just as important after a relationship develops. One will eventually discover all those seemingly inconsequential, random tidbits of information are anything but inconsequential.

God help those who get caught up with a partner like that!
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 283 (view)
Oh, its to soon to have sex... yah, blah, blah, blaw
Posted: 11/29/2009 8:41:00 PM

(Msg 330) Again, "desire" has never been an issue.... If the person has the 'desire' anything will work... and 'desire' is mostly in the brain... People need to understand that to have great sex, you don't make love to her 'vaj' or her ass or boobs or whatever, you make love to her brain.... anything else, you've missed it..... once her mind is yours, her body is yours too.... and her desire... and everything that goes with it....

Until I meet someone who can orgasm by just sitting in a chair thinking about it I'll take the brain theory with a grain of salt.

You've just restated my argument. Whether it's the brain or some other part involved my point is either the guy is reaching the gal or he isn't. From clits to conversation, from ass to activities, if sex isn't happening something isn't working. The longer it takes to make it work is a forshadowing of the problems down the road.

(Msg 333) Look, in any situation where a man and a woman plan to associate with one another at any level more intense than dating/FwB, there are going to be areas where there are compatibility issues. Shouldn't ALL possible areas of potential incompatibility be thoroughly investigated very quickly?

Absolutely! I have nothing against getting to know someone. My objection was when one wanted to take time, in other words go slow, getting to know me. More often than not the person was not interested or were slightly interested. There was nothing jumping out at them. To them, I was just another guy. Nothing special. Why would I want a person who felt that way?

(Msg 330) So, if it's OK to have sex immediately after "hello", shouldn't it also be OK to divulge bank balances, tax returns, and credit reports?

Sure, if knowing a person's financial worth was that important. Seeing their home, spending evenings with them to see who calls, watching how they spend gets a good idea if the perosn is responsible.

If investments and bank balances are important then by all means let the person ask. I bet a lot of men wished more women had asked so they would have known exactly where their priorities lied.

I never hid the fact sex was of paramount importance to me. Whether we're talking about being faithful or the frequency at which at occurred or anything in between.

(Msg 334) Still doing your man-cards, eh, Dave? This is the test driving one, eh?

It's not test driving. It's just that it's illogical for one to say sex is important then leave it to the end to discover.

(Msg 334) I am a perfect example of having that desire for a man and my b/f had the same. It sizzled between the both of us. He knew it. Did I lose control over it? Nope. Did he respect that I held back until I got to know him. Yes.

We come back to "what do you want/need to know?"

I have read threads concerning women who ended up with a player, a few with whom I exchanged emails. Crucial elements to the stories were almost identical. The guy had a cell phone only. He travelled. He couldn't be contacted at certain times. More than likely he lived a distance away and the lady had never been to his home. He would always pick her up and end back at her place. In other words she had no idea who he was. He was just too busy, too important, didn't have the time to do what "normal" people do when wanting someone to get to know them.

If/when I was interested in someone I always invited them to my home. Day. Evening. Weekend. During the week. We all eat dinner. Everyone has time for dinner. Besides, I wouldn't be interested in anyone who was so busy they didn't have time for dinner.

The point being anyone interested in me, and I them, had the opportunity to know me. Their hesitating could only be due to their not being interested. Either they refused to take the time to know me or they knew enough and were undecided. In either case I wasn't the one for them.

(Msg 334) Early sex is NOT a barometer for insuring a hot woman for a partner in the relationship.

We never know how life is going to turn out but that's like saying just because a guy has a job doesn't mean he'll work once he moves in with you. However, I'm sure we agree it's better if he does have a job.

Also, once the importance of sex is established and agreed upon both people know the situation. If the guy you're dating voluntarily leaves his job and becomes a financial burden would you not make an adjustment to the relationship? Why wouldn't the same apply to sex?

I always dated with the idea the person thought I was "special", as I them. Emails, phone calls, indepth conversations, a meeting.......and then a date. I didn't go out for dinner thinking "Ah, she's OK. Maybe I'll feel more after a good meal."

Then, again, I was serious when seeking a partner and that was made clear, by both of us, before the date ever took place.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 279 (view)
Oh, its to soon to have sex... yah, blah, blah, blaw
Posted: 11/29/2009 2:24:18 PM

(Msg 312) As I have said repeatedly, if you're basing your relationships on sex, you aren't ready for the relationship. Just to reiterate: that isn't to say great sex doesn't help--but if you wouldn't be with them just because they wouldn't (or couldn't!) give you what you want sexually, you are incredibly selfish;

Two points. First, having sex early in the relationship isn’t just about sex, per sé. It’s to determine if the desire is there. Does the person feel that way about me or are they still seeking the connection? If they’re still seeking the connection I didn’t want to be the fall-back guy because no one better came along.

The second point is your comment “just because they wouldn't (or couldn't!) give you what you want sexually, you are incredibly selfish” shows sex isn’t all that important to you. Like anything else one desires from a relationship who would stay with someone knowing they wouldn’t or couldn’t give them what they desire?

(Msg 316) And I've never found anyone I'm not sexually compatible with... In fact before these threads it never occurred to me that such a thing could be an issue...

Then consider yourself fortunate. People have varying sex drives. It’s not just about positions or certain practices. It can be as simple as desire. If one person requires the four-hour foreplay with the dinner and music and candles and the other is set to go after a 20 minute massage there are going to be problems. Big problems.

Of course, that brings us back to the first reason. I’m willing to bet most folks who require the long foreplay have, at one time, saw or met someone whose breath on the back of their neck would have been enough for them to drop their drawers.

Because of the emotional nature of sex incompatibility raises all sorts of emotional problems. Whether it’s the person being denied believing the other person does not have feelings for them or the person doing the denying believing the other person is a pervert or “dirty” it almost always leads to problems.

(Msg 328) When both people are comfortable, it will happen naturally. If one person (or both) tries to force it, the whole thing becomes awkward, high-pressure, low enjoyment, meaningless, ....

Yes, eventually it may happen. The problem is if a relationship develops and incompatibility regarding frequency is present those folks will, time and time again, be faced with the awkward, high-pressure, low enjoyment, meaningless feelings/mood.

Not good. Not good, at all.
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