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 Author Thread: how honest are you? 2 part question
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
how honest are you? 2 part question
Posted: 5/25/2016 7:40:22 PM

I was wondering how honest you are with your partner about what you really want/like and how you feel about it?

Sadly, I am pretty much like an open book. A stonefaced, barely audible open book...but open nonetheless.

Of those I have been with, I have never shied away from telling them what *I* like and how, in exchange for allowing them to freely tell me the same. I encourage it. If your "thing" goes to places I'd rather not go, then I'll say something about it. Some stuff just ain't for me, and I will express that. Other stuff is, and some of it may be exciting to try - or to try again. I'm not like most that can't handle being told that I'm off the spot, or need to use more/less pressure, or angle deeper, or whatever. I have a monster ego which I will never deny...but I'm all about the learning. If I expect to keep a woman, I first need to know how to make that possible. Not all of my tricks are guaranteed to be crowd pleasers, and she may not be as receptive as those before her. I encourage them to guide me.

If I'm doing well - great. If I'm not - feel free to move me around or vocalize what it is I can do.

But yeah, I'm all about the openness and honesty. The way I see it - if you have any illusions about a long term potential, you NEED to make sure that the two of you are sexually compatible as well as other-way-else compatible.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 130 (view)
It's been a year, he won't give me oral!
Posted: 5/25/2016 7:29:39 PM
After reading what the OP had to say, I can't say I'm at all surprised. In a relationship, there's generally some give AND take. A reciprocation, absolutely. Keeping score and checks and balances and all that.

It's reality.

Anyone who says different is obtuse and playing at white knight.

People keep score. They do.

They give AND they expect to receive. Human nature...something we all have and can't fight.

From a platform of personal experience where I have been the one to give and not get, as well as the one who was given but was denied a chance to reciprocate (yes, that means she refused to let me go down on her...I know, right??)...for some this can certainly be a deal breaker. I'm surprised she held on to him as long as she did. The fact she used the term "beg" was a red flag and she should've ended it right then and there.

Relationships ain't about begging or being put in a position where you feel that is the only recourse.

Unless you're into that kinky shit...then fill your boots and as you were.

For the rest of us, getting to the point of having to feel like you need to "beg" for that kind of intimacy screams, "RUN LIKE YOU OWE THE IRS!!"

If your partner is pretty much everything you could ask for, but is light in this one then becomes a game of what you're willing to give up or trade off to get the rest.

And yes, that's the other element of the real world and reality...compromise.

You can't get it all. None of us can. Compromise means deciding if it is worth it to go without this or that "one thing" in exchange for everything else. For some, they really want it all and discard at leisure. For the rest, the compromise is a simple choice when you can have everything else at the expense of that "one thing" (whatever that happens to be).

And for those the want to try and brag that they did "get/have it all"...nope. You think about it and ask yourself what you gave up outside your own tunnel vision to get what you consider is the "everything" and you'll soon see that yes, still made a compromise somewhere in your life.

You can't escape it. It's like death.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
How do you manage expectations with treasured/awol friends?
Posted: 10/27/2015 12:08:45 AM

I want to manage the friendships carefully.

OP - Well here's a wacky and zany idea that may about you try NOT to be such a control freak? Maybe try that for a while? What you write, intentionally or unintentionally say s a LOT about your character or intent. So do the words you choose to use, intentional or otherwise.

"Manage the friendships"? People "manage" sycophants, servants or employees. They do not "manage" friends. Friends are organic and fluid. They do not require "management". Are they just your servants, sycophants, or employees?


Then quit being a control freak.

The best friends you will ever have are the one that are with you when it counts, and through thick and thin but may very well "go dark/go off radar" for prolonged periods of you know they're true friends is when they come back, it's like they were never gone and like they saw you just the other day and they pick up where you all left off. Certainly no one need feel like they should make amends or apologise for not being in your world for a while...

So yeah, maybe try not being a control freak for a while and see if that helps.

Good luck.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 130 (view)
Dating sites good or bad for dating self esteem?
Posted: 10/26/2015 3:53:29 PM

so just to see what would happen I changed my profile. Made myself taller at a height of 5' 10" and logged out. About 3 days later with time was almost up I logged back in and had 7 new messages. I just thought, "so I'm too short and therefor not good enough."

That's pretty harsh, but a sad reality I'm afraid. For men at least. Guys don't really care (typically) about a woman's height...his concern is in a different set of numbers.

Women go through the same thing, dude. Just using a different set of numbers.

Don't let it get you down though. I know a lot of shorter and short-ish buddies that eventually landed a fine woman. And I mean short - like 5' 6" short.

There's someone out there for you, I'm sure. Sounds like you won't find her online though. That pool is far too shallow.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 35 (view)
Confused about a girl who has come back into my life.
Posted: 10/26/2015 3:46:06 PM
OP - You sound like the classic Ping-Pong Guy.

Her "personal reasons" involved a peen, as you can clearly see, and now that she has seen the benefits and disadvantages of THAT peen, now she's ping-ponged back into your orbit.


You were with her for a whopping month or better. She left you for another peen, and now comes back. Gets chuffed over the completely trivial with you having removed her from your phone contacts (seriously tho, who does that? 10 year olds?), and you're even considering getting back together with her?

*shakes head*

She clearly has some "issues" that she needs to sort out and is in no way mentally or emotionally capable of a meaningful relationship. She is an emotional cripple. Clearly. I mean, she got wound up over her not being in your phone? C'mon gotta be able to see the Red Flags on this deal?

Buck up and put her in park. You have better things to do than being a ping-pong rebound. Have some self respect. Her emotional hangups (whatever they are and I suspect they are MASSIVE) are her own deal. Let her deal. WITHOUT YOU. YOU need to move forward with your life. Can't move forward by stepping BACK.

Keep her as a social friend, sure. The world can use more friends. But a relationship with this one? Only if you wanna come home one day to an empty suite and a bunny on the stove...

Just sayin'.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
Children: Undecided/Open
Posted: 10/22/2015 11:01:59 AM

I'm also completely confused as to how to interpret that response

OP - Not too sure why this would be a stumper or brain boggler for you, or anyone for that matter? Undecided means they haven't decided yet. Open means they're not on one side of the yes/no fence just yet...they're sitting on it.

The easiest way to see it would be to consider that those using that option are leaving the possibility on the table, but this is no certainty that they will want to have a kid...with YOU. They may want to have kids, just not with YOU per se. Kind of like they have kept that option open and haven't yet decided if anyone is "worthy" of their seed/womb just yet, but YOU may be the one.

In some cases, they may like YOU, but see how you act around kids, or how you handle your own kids (which applies in the majority of cases in online dating where kids are as common as herpes) and will pull that option off the table because of it. If he sees that you either hate children, or you are far too coddling (or overbearing) with your own, he can't see himself allowing you to be a Mother to his offspring. He may even like YOU and just abandon having his own. Hard to say.

But yeah, this is hardly a brain teaser. If you see it, just assume that it means the option is there and some sign will push them one way or another.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 75 (view)
Opinions on Car Doors
Posted: 10/21/2015 10:45:41 AM

BUT: Do you still pay for dates, or do you tell women that since they're so independent and don't need men anymore, they can pay their own way on dates?

They pay their own way. My SO pays her own way, as do I. On occasion one of us will "treat" the other, but mostly when we go out we each cover our own tabs or expenses. I've lived my life like that since I was roughly 20-ish.

Never looked back. Never will.

I'm not anyone's ATM. I have no obligations to them. NONE. I give them the equality they so long sought after. They're not happy about it, but they get that Wave 3 feminists ruined their ride with me...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
getting messed around after 3rd date.
Posted: 10/21/2015 10:40:35 AM
OP - I recognized the warning signs immediately.


This one expects you to go well out of your way for her. To worship the ground she walks on. The hang on every word (like you're already doing). She is playing one of the oldest games in relationship-land, and it's a game that needs to be retired.

We're in 2015. Not 1950.


You have extended your interest and tried to accommodate her as best you can. She's playing her little junior high games. Let her. By herself.

As someone has already said, let her chase you. Quit being her lap dog.

Just sayin'.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
Men and sex+protection
Posted: 10/21/2015 10:09:00 AM

How are you supposed to go about it the right way, is it good to discuss contraception and STD testing before any intimacy and stuff??

There is no "right way" to approach the subject. There's just the "we did" or "we didn't". If two consenting ADULTS cannot openly discuss things as important and relevant as STDs/pregnancy/contraception, then they shouldn't be sleeping together. Sex should involve respect. If both partners respect each others' wishes and acknowledge each others' concerns, it leads to a much happier relationship.

And be wary of any conversation that has this in it somewhere, "If you loved me, you'd (do this/not do that/try this/not expect this/be willing to do/not ask me to/etc.)"

Automatic flag on the play. Big Red Flag. Stop what you're doing immediately. Seriously...stop.

Adults don't talk like that. Immature infants do.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 66 (view)
How much fluid when females ejaculate and is it okay to swallow it
Posted: 10/21/2015 10:02:35 AM
There's most definitely urine in there, sorry. It's very diluted, but to the trained senses, you can pick up on the distinct odor of urine right away.

I slept with a squirter more than once. The last one pretty much ruined my bed and turned the entire surface into the infamous "wet spot". Not gonna lie, I offered her a liter of water to rehydrate and even suggested that we stop lest she run herself right dry and cease to be.

As for swallowing? Well that depends. It's not harmful in any way, and some will get in and cause your gag reflex to kick in but you'll still more often than not ingest at least *some*. For me, I knew when she was gonna go off so I closed off my throat and she squirted...then I just spit it out on her or the bed and kept going. Interesting sensation to be sure. Imagine going down on a water fountain...that's the closest approximation I can come up with.

I wouldn't fuss and fret over it too much though. Not all women can do this, but most are capable of it. If you're with one, just sit back and enjoy it and take the thinking out of the equation.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 73 (view)
Opinions on Car Doors
Posted: 10/21/2015 9:55:23 AM

I was just wondering how many of you men still bother to open the car door for your ladies? Do most of you feel this custom is necessary? Out of style? Or just too much trouble. Please be honest.

OP - If we're being honest here, I would only ever open a door for her if there was something mechanically wrong with it that required me to intervene. Otherwise, she is a "strong, capable, independent woman" and can open her own damn door. I'm not her butler or chauffeur.

There was a time, back in my teens, when I was the chivalrous type because that's how I was raised. Hold doors open, let them go first, stand when they get up from the table, push her chair in, open the car door, the whole gamut. Then feminism happened...specifically (late Wave 2) early Wave 3 feminism.

Then I immediately stopped. Like, immediately.

I got so sick of hearing how they were being oppressed, and they "didn't need a man" and all that other malarkey BUT they still insisted on "old tradition" when it suited them and worked to their advantage. I put a stop to that crap right quick. I don't subscribe to the "matters of convenience" gambit they play where they want their cake and eat it to.

Open your own door. Carry your own bags. Sit yourself. Stuff like that.

Women were constantly barking about equality, so I gave it to them. In spades.

I began to notice that more and more men were also doing this. Not all, but a good share of them. I couldn't be more proud if I tried. These days, even more are doing likewise, and it's a step in the right direction. Men have to do their share to ensure that women get the equality that they have so long whined about.

And opening their own car doors is as good a place to start as any.

Don't oppress the ladies, men...give them the equality they wanted. ALL of it.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 56 (view)
Boyfriend has a close female friend I have never met
Posted: 10/5/2015 11:24:24 AM

I am not an insecure person

Oh, really now? That's funny because after reading the original post, insecurity was ALLLLLLLLLL over it. So if you want to lie to yourself to make it all feel better, fill your boots. Your post and dialog speak volumes to the truth though...

- numerous fallings out
- "confronted" him about benign pictures on a Facebook post (soon as there's FB drama it's an immediate Red Flag that insecurity abounds...)
- "Found" letters and the like that were hidden from sight, indicating that you were actively hunting for them (another classic trait of the deeply insecure)
- You "managed" (see: played amateur sleuth or blackhat) to get her number and then contacted her UNSOLICITED (another fantastic trait of the deeply insecure)
- looking through his messages/texts (volunteered or not, even looking is a classic case of deep seated insecurity)

You are a wreck and a liar. But you're not lying to him, you're lying to yourself. Your post reeks and smacks of one of the most insecure people walking this great big planet. Make no mistake, it's a dicey issue to contend with and certainly all is not what it seems...but that is no reason to automatically assume the worst. Maybe he just doesn't wanna deal with the drama of it all by having the two of you in the same room, comparing notes. One of the biggest fears of men is to see an ex become "besties" with their new flame. That's like a kiss of death right there. I'm not saying that he ain't up to any shady dealings, but having been there myself, sometimes it's just better to avoid the meeting because you're trying to avoid what is sure to be either the biggest drama to ever unfold, or to see the to become "besties" (either scenario is just not worth the price of admission).

But yeah, YOU are a wreck and a liar. That's as evident as the nose on my face. Probably best that you go your separate ways until you can look yourself in the mirror and NOT lie to your own face. Then you may be ready for a relationship. Until then, you're not fooling anyone but yourself with the whole "I'm not an insecure person" crap, because you most certainly are...and a high octane one to be sure.

Get your head on straight first. Then worry about a relationship. Lying to yourself isn't helping anyone.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/2/2015 1:54:15 PM

"I'm not having any luck, perhaps it's time to lower my standards a bit more"?

Typically, the first time you hear this from a friend that is more family than friend. Sadly though, fewer and fewer people seem to have even ONE of these types in their social circles, and instead elect to surround themselves with sycophants (that they try to pass off as "like minded" because they can't admit they enjoy head-bobbers).

when do you acknowledge that "yes perhaps you're being too picky and are eliminating far too many potential mates out there"?

Again, this is typically immediately after attempting to refute what your best friend(s) just said for the past hour or so, and you finally realize that they're right and you're just an idiot.

Even if it's very hard to admit to yourself that you're searching a very narrow playing field and it's time to open up that field.

The younger you are, the narrower the scope and field. You can, at younger ages, afford the time and luxury of being picky (not selective...straight up picky). Unfortunately, as you age, that scope widens considerably with each passing year and you can less and less afford to be as picky. As we get even older, and have pretty much frittered away our youth, our stock is pretty much at an all time low, and this is typically where we will see people abandon all reason and just accept what's available. The proverbial "settle".

Your mileage may vary, and there are always outliers that had zero stock value in youth, but damn that stock sure rose as you reached peak (and it will fall after that peak)...but they are the exception, not the rule.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 32 (view)
Babytalk - turnon or turnoff?
Posted: 10/2/2015 1:44:08 PM

I want to stab people who say Bae

I love you.

Baby talk between adults - shudder

Oh noes...I haz a sad now :( I may not loves you any more...

"does we wanna snuggle with big Daddyums?" It's a miracle I've lost my lust would be the reply

Even considering my nickname, I know when to draw a line. I'd say it in an aggressive, pimp-ish way instead...seems to work better that way.

"Come give BigDaddy a snuggle, woman..." (usually accompanied by a raised hand...and then an immediate point to the snuggle spot of choice)

Like flies to honey some days. LOL.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 64 (view)
A bad relationship that had to go.
Posted: 9/27/2015 1:01:03 PM

Do what together? Working on making yourself whole is your problem. Making them complete is theirs. If it's not completed it's likely going to affect who you choose. Once it is you may rethink your previous choice - that's just one thing that causes problems in relationships.

True. And why I have lived my life with my personal creedo:

When my cup is empty ~ I will work to add to it
When my cup is half full ~ I will work to fill it
When my cup is full ~ you will overflow it

THAT is how it works. We are not any of us here to "fill in the blanks" of someone's life. We are all of us here to overflow their life. It's up to each of us, ALONE, to fill our own cups first...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 56 (view)
A bad relationship that had to go.
Posted: 9/26/2015 4:29:08 PM

I didn't want to let it go is because I don't want to be alone.

And that, right there, is the biggest problem with mankind. The ever present fear of being alone. All that really works out to is, "I am looking for someone to make my life whole because I am unwilling or unable to do it myself. I am going to make my happiness someone else's responsibility."

That will lead to abject failure 100% of the time.

Sometimes people just need a break from relationships altogether so that they can better learn how to manage themselves first and foremost. If you can't find happiness as a party of one, you will never get it by making that happiness someone else's responsibility. Not ever. YOUR happiness is YOUR responsibility.

Learn how to make due with just you. Learn how to love being alone. A party of one. Get back in touch with YOU. Once you can shed that false fear of being alone that so many dread, then you may be ready to rejoin the couples world again. Until then, you sound like just another soul who is so afraid of their own shadow that they'll do anything with anyone just to make sure they are not alone.

Don't be that person.

Be you.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
ex wanting sex...just a question
Posted: 9/25/2015 11:20:33 AM

If your ex (you haven't been broken up that long-less than 6 months) were to call/text/email you up out of the blue and wanted sex from you, what would you do?

There was a time in my life where the immediate answer would have been to jump on the opportunity. As I grew up and matured, I realized that even if the sex were off the wall/off the scale awesome, I would likely say no if asked. To me, let's say we had been over for 6 months or less, and for whatever reason (obviously not sex else she'd not have contacted me...I digress)...she decides to call me up and suggest or propose that we have a shag...all I'm hearing is, "After you, I dated and shagged a few here and there, and they were 'meh' at best, or one of them gave me something and I wanna share."

Heavy emphasis on the latter part.

If she were stringent with condom use, then I'd probably and admittedly be a little less concerned about catching a case of the herpagonnasyphillaids. Since those I have been with prefer it raw, then I'd have to bear in mind those that she may have slept with in the interim, and the outstanding possibility that not all of them may be as "clean" as they led her to believe. That's not a risk I'd like to take.

All things considered, even in the best case scenario, I would be more likely to pass in any event simply because we were a couple, then we weren't, and I'd be concerned that a simple thing like FWB would suddenly become the next coupling between us. Like reliving past mistakes wasn't bad enough, we wanna do it again? Yeah, that gets stale fast.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 103 (view)
What does a backrub mean to you?
Posted: 9/25/2015 11:02:21 AM

Guys, would you give a back rub or scratch or massage to someone you weren't thinking about having sex with?

Yep, and I have done so on many occasions. Sometimes a rub is just a rub, and a massage is just a massage. That said, if it's someone that I AM interested in and they have given me cues that indicate she is also interested, or we are actually dating at the time...then a backrub or massage is a prelude to some slap n' tickle. Not always, but more often than not.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 46 (view)
Facebook and Pressure
Posted: 9/17/2015 11:47:50 AM

and now every time I log onto facebook someone else is pregnant, married or engaged and I know its just that age I am then I look at my own finger and see no ring, no man

So busy trying to live someone else's life and have "what they have", and not spending enough time living your own life. Sad. Another case of "The Joneses".

Oh gee, they're getting married...why not me?

Oh gee, they're engaged...why not me?

Oh gee, they're dating...why not me?

Funny thing is, the more time we spend trying to compete with illusions means we are spending far too little time with those things that matter. Society has become obsessed with what they DON'T have that they spend so little time appreciating what they DO have. Like the OP, they'll mention it in passing, but then immediately double back to the original lamenting whine about "why not me?"


Spend more time appreciating what you DO have...and some day, many of those things you DON'T have may come your way all on their own. Most of what you see online is as "real" as reality TV...they are sharing with you the "good parts", while leaving the truth of their relationship or job or what have you on the cutting room floor. Think of a Facebook post like the pictureless's all about the most flattering angle. Like selfies, they'll rarely (if ever) give you the un-glammed version...they'll only share the one of 100 pics they just snapped, just from the right height and right's all an illusion.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
Feeling the flood
Posted: 9/17/2015 11:36:41 AM

I hope I get to experience it again someday.

I engaged with a serial squirter back in the day, so allow me to pass along a piece of helpful advice...invest in rubber sheets. You'll need them. The one I was with was easy to get going, and once there, she nearly dehydrated herself and left a "wet spot" the size of Africa on my bed. My bed WAS the "wet spot".

You'll thank me later.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 112 (view)
The power of the vagina.
Posted: 9/17/2015 11:32:44 AM

So, I will put this to the forum readers---does the vagina have a magical power that some men can't resist and will sometimes lower their standards to be in one? Is the urge to copulate so great that it doesn't matter what a woman looks like so long as they get to find their way deep inside a woman's vagina?

I've seen both ends of that spectrum. There's some guys I used to know that would "bang a war pig/seal a 3-bagger" if it meant they'd get their little carrots wet. For others, like me, they're far more selective...not just "any hole" will do.

Ad for any magical powers that a vagina holds, this is true for most men. It is like a weapon that women use to get their men/partners to do their bidding...and the men in these cases comply willingly each and every time lest they be "cut off" from the magical pink taco. I can only laugh at these clods for being so enamored that they're mere puppets. They're easy to identify because you'll hear the terms "cut off"/"in the doghouse"/"slept on the couch" smattered in their conversations. They really are a spineless sort.

I learned myself long ago to remove that weapon they use. I still remember laughing at the first chick that threatened to "cut me off" if I didn't comply with her demands and posturing. I grabbed my coat and on the way out the door, still laughing (which only served to infuriate her immensely), I remarked that she clearly has me confused with some other spineless puppet in her life...

Where it holds no sway over me personally, there are still loads and loads of men that fall victim to the mighty vagina daily. I can't see that changing in my lifetime.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
Sexually fantasizing about other people
Posted: 9/17/2015 11:21:06 AM

You know, I always wondered who the black guy was whenever Scarlett and I were getting intimate in my fantasies. Now I know. I've got to say it was distracting at best and often annoying. Next time, let me finish - it only takes 10 minutes. Then she's all yours.

LMFARO! I had to take a pause from my morning venom spraying to laugh my damn @$$ off when I read that.

Well done, sir.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 176 (view)
What do people think of a girl at a bar alone?
Posted: 9/15/2015 2:48:45 PM

When I see a chick alone in a bar and one that's looking around for a guy...she is not looking to hit on him, she is looking for a mark. An easy dupe. Someone that she thinks she can flirt with all night and get free drinks. I've personally witnessed it far too many times in my life to not recognize it immediately.

Funny thing – I’ve never observed this. Never, not once. Back in the 70’s and early 80’s, I hung out in night clubs that had “Ladies Night”, free drinks for women. Brought in a lot of young women, and the club owners made a lot of money off of the men.

The last 5.5 years, single again, I occasionally go out to clubs. Mostly with an older crowd, and most of the people drink very little. And the women do not want someone else buying their drinks, what drinks they do have.

Maybe it’s just a regional difference, something about where you live. But it just isn’t true where I live.

Spend just 3 days in Alberta (I'd suggest Fort McMurray/Edmonton/Calgary) and observe the shenanigans. If you'd like, I can even provide you a list of the bars you're most likely to see the most action (in the sense of this happening...not in getting a piece).

Bring a pen and paper and mark down how many times you see it unfold before your very eyes. My tip: bring extra pens and'll need them. Hell, I'll even come with you just for the sport of it all (I haven't been people watching for a while).
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 52 (view)
The lies!
Posted: 9/15/2015 2:39:45 PM

I've noticed that lies, fibs and deception has evolved in our North American society for the last 10 -15 years to level that it is considered "normal".

And you can credit that to parents all over the globe who institute the "Just a little white lie/it's harmless" standard that is set right early on in the way of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

You raise a child in a world of lies, what the Hell did you expect would come of it?

Teaching them that it's "okay" to lie "sometimes", and you expect that they'd be honest as adults? HAH! Gimme a break. People are conditioned from an early age that "some lies are justified..."...the old "ends justifies the means" routine. So as adults, they are pre-conditioned to lie as long as they get what they want in the end. It is, in their minds, the "justifiable" sort of lie that Mommy and/or Daddy taught us about!

Ever look at your phone and saw a text come in but you didn't respond, pretending that you no longer had your phone right then? You're lying. Ever been to a sale that just ended and you still tried to push it through, saying that it is still advertised at the lower price? You're lying. Ever been accosted by a panhandler and told them you have no money when you actually have enough for you hooty-tooty triple tall latte? You're lying. Ever hear yourself saying that you stop the full 3 seconds at each stop sign when you know damn well you're lucky if they can even count to 1 during your "rolling stop"? You're lying. Ever ask your kid(s) to tell Gramma or that salesman or whomever that you weren't home? You're lying.

I could go on about the hundreds of lies we all tell each and every day, but you all get the point.

We were conditioned to do so and sanctioned by our folks. Wanna know where it started?

Just wait til you see your first Christmas or Easter...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
What if a woman and man didn't fit and can't have sex?
Posted: 9/15/2015 2:28:09 PM

I am sure many woman have run into this

Yes, because women are the only ones that are disappointed in the bedroom in such matters...ugh.

OP - Since it's well known and well documented that a woman's naughty bits can accommodate a tiny human being coming outta there...I fail to see how a 2" diameter piece of equipment is too much a challenge to overcome? That said, sometimes men and women just "don't fit". You can't change that unless you motivate yourself to try, and do some research and experimentation. If you discover that it is truly impossible, or just far too much effort to do so...then move on and appreciate that you at least tried.

Sex is a pretty significant role in any healthy and successful relationship. Without it, all the charm, good looks, sly wit, and confidence will not amount to a hill of dried up dog turds.

If it is simply weak sex...that can be overcome, but this all depends on the people involved and how much effort they're willing to put in to get over that hump. Some people are just flat out sucky in bed and that can't be overcome. Others are just not used to how YOU roll and they figure they've had sex before, so it's always the same...which it certainly ain't. The basics, sure...but the pleasure? Unique each time. Sadly for most men, their egos get in the way of what could've been a great relationship because they're not willing to accept that not all sexual partners are created equal, and what may have worked before just ain't doing anything in the present. They refuse to be "coached because their egos won't allow it.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 429 (view)
Natural and hairy women?
Posted: 9/15/2015 2:18:07 PM

I think most girls are really pressured by society today to take all the hair off and that's pretty unfortunate.

If by "society" you mean "men who love porn", than you're right...there certainly is a lot of pressure there. You're also right that it's very unfortunate.

I prefer my women to look like women. Not circa 70s/powermuff afro women...but women who embrace the fact that they have reached puberty and take the time to keep the hedges trimmed. That's all I can ask. A neatly trimmed patch of pleasure.

Yes, I have broken up with those that went bare down's just not my thing, and not my preference, and they were told as much. It's their bodies and they can do as they see fit - but if that will affect our sexual relationship, then I have to also bear in mind that *I* have a dog in this race too...

My current old lady used to leave just a patch, and she was that way when we first met. This was how she preferred it. I had the, "It's your body" speech with her too and let her know that if she wanted some more attention downstairs, it would need to grow out some. Otherwise, it'll pretty much amount to "get it up, get it in, get it off, yawn" sex. She grew it out. Win-win.

I keep mine intact but neatly trimmed (to the best of my not professionally trained ability), and that's all I would expect from my SO. If occasionally I have to stop and pick a rogue pube, so be it. I have MY ENTIRE FACE DOWN THERE, so it's a little juvenile to take the "EW!! GROSS!!" approach to a friggin pube when it makes an appearance.

The shaving thing is one thing that I want to die a horrible flaming death. The sooner the better. 'Cept nowadays, it's all about the *ahem* "body art" that seems to be sweeping the bedrooms. That's a whole different topic though...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 32 (view)
Men, Work and Stress
Posted: 9/15/2015 2:00:12 PM

My question is is this normal to withdrawal from everything when you are stressed at work, guys?

Depends on the coping mechanisms that we have. I know for me, that ain't me. When I get stressed at work, I find ways to occupy my mind and my free time so I DON'T fret about work. I used to be like him though, to be honest. I'd have a crap day or a crap week and I'd withdraw from social structures almost entirely. This led to me claiming that I "hated my life/my life sucks/etc. etc.", only to be reminded by my then fiance that she was a part of that "crappy life", so thanks for that thought.

Ever since that day, it all changed.

No matter how crappy my day or week was, I will not brood about it - I will try my best to vocalize it (very cathartic), or to occupy my mind and time with those things that don't suck about my life. Work is a small part of a much bigger picture. Regardless of hours spent there (or on call), it still only will ever represent a small piece of my bigger picture. It is the remaining pieces I need to concentrate on...not just the myopic, one-dimensional "work" piece.

It's important...yes...but should never be the crux or considered even for a moment as all encompassing.

Your life is more than the hours served.

People need to remember that. A lot seldom do.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
Sexually fantasizing about other people
Posted: 9/15/2015 1:53:11 PM

Does it mean you are not fully satisfied?

Um...only if you're actually engaged with that other person (male or female). Otherwise, this is why it's called a "fantasy". Last time I checked, those that have sexual fantasies about other people still come home to, and have sex with their SOs. Exceptions made for those that can't keep their legs closed, or those that can't keep their d!ck in their pants, naturally.

As for the rest of your missive, it sounds to me like you're spending far too much effort over-analyzing this phenomenon that has been going on likely since mankind was able to form the very first sexual thought. It's called fantasy for a's imagining that which you cannot have, or shouldn't have. The latter leading to trouble more often than not...(I sincerely hope no further elaboration is required).

I've had sexual fantasies about other women since I had my first sexual thought. Probably no different than any other person who also has sexual fantasies (past and present). Does it mean I "value" my SO any less? Not at all. One has no bearing on the other, in fact. One is reality, and the other is not. You can't compare the two or correlate them in ANY way because they simply are not ever the same, and will never be. On one hand, you ARE with "Johnny" or "Suzie" and you get to play with that person freely. On the other hand, you are NOT with "Jack" or "Jane" but that doesn't stop you from rubbing one out before your next load of laundry is ready.

Does that mean that you'd trade your reality for fantasy? Nope. Not unless you were horribly brain damaged to believe it could happen like that.

There was a study I read quite some years back that touched on this very subject, and it was determined that your mind doesn't remember your SO like it remembers "Jack" or "Jane" (your fantasy pet). It had to do with proximity, and the fact that you were always together, whereas you weren't together at ALL with your fantasy. So that makes them more accessible in your mind, and easier to recollect. It made sense. The mind gets jaded in that way. You see your SO all the time, but try to remember (vividly) a sexual encounter you had with them and you'll discover that a lot of the pieces are missing or "blurred" remember only fragments of the encounter. BUT...try to recall the last fantasy you had about "Jack" or "Jane", and you can recall just about every little minute detail about the fantasy.

Just because you're in a steak house doesn't mean that you aren't imagining devouring a hot plate of pasta instead. Does it mean that you're gonna up and leave before the meal arrives because gee, you need to satisfy that fantasy and turn it into reality?


So just because you're in a happy, established, and stable relationship doesn't mean that you aren't still able to fantasize about being with someone else (even if just in your mind). That's not damaging at all except to those that have built-in self esteem issues, and then, that's on them and not on you...the one who is fantasizing. Their self esteem (or lack thereof) is not now, nor will it ever be YOUR responsibility.

I have yet to be with someone who DIDN'T fantasize about someone else while they were with me. To be fair, I'd be apt to head for the hills if they revealed to me that they ONLY visioned me in their sexual dalliances in their own minds...

That just ain't natural. Those types of broken people I tend to stay away from like they have the Ebola.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 131 (view)
What do people think of a girl at a bar alone?
Posted: 9/11/2015 11:05:55 AM

So I want to hear your ideas about what you think when you see a girl at a bar alone. Especially one thats looking around trying to find a guy to hit on!

I highly doubt that they have changed all that much since my club-hopping days, so this will be an easy question to answer.

When I see a chick alone in a bar and one that's looking around for a guy...she is not looking to hit on him, she is looking for a mark. An easy dupe. Someone that she thinks she can flirt with all night and get free drinks. I've personally witnessed it far too many times in my life to not recognize it immediately.

Being an avid "people watcher", I have seen this scenario play out so many times I have lost count.

She's just there for free drinks. In order to get them, she needs to find that one sucker in the crowd (that also appears to be there stag) who she can toy with to get what she is after. In all my life I have yet to see this fail. There's always that ONE guy in the bar or club that just screams "I'm an easy target!".
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
I am a burden to him?
Posted: 9/11/2015 10:54:41 AM

So it really came like a surprise to me, being so independent, my bf told me I am a burden to him!

OP - There's really no context to the definition of "burden" anywhere to be found in your story. That leads me to believe that there's far more to this story than has already been revealed. Without that needed context of burden, it's hard for anyone to make a logical suggestion for a path to take.

That said though, and just using what little information you have provided, if you are only seeing each other once a week and are NOT at all communicating between that time (which I find dubious at best...), I'd suggest cutting things off with him if he has considered you a burden. The scenario you portrayed does not justify the use of that word (again, leading me to believe that you're actively omitting very important details to the story), so if that's the way he is coming at your relationship, then it's probably best to just part ways and try your hand with someone else.

Good luck. Next time try not to omit clarifiers. They aid people like us in helping you out when the details are all laid bare.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
Communication and Dressing Up for dates
Posted: 9/6/2015 1:56:13 PM

What are your thoughts - is casual dating a thing or do we have to primp and look like a completely different person in the beginning? I don't want to give a false impression. I'd rather just look like my regular self on a date.

Ugh. The whole charade of playing dress-up for dating is past its prime. Way past. I know for me, I don't like the pretentiousness of it all and would rather see her for who she is day-to-day. Not wanting to see the "all dolled up" version intended only for show and attraction, and then once you get all comfy with one another they let themselves settle and you get to see the "real" them...and sometimes it's not pretty at all. For men AND women.

Be yourself. Whether that means jeans and a t-shirt, or suits, slacks and ties. Whatever you normally look like day in and day out - show me THAT you. THAT is the one I will possibly be spending a lot of downtime with, so lemme see it now. It even makes the "all dolled up" version of you that much more exciting when or if it happens.

My opinion.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
The difficulties of finding simple companionship
Posted: 9/6/2015 1:42:24 PM

Im sure the number of lonely souls out there is staggering and I have felt the pain of that.

OP - Did you really just use the word "pain"? Really? Listen, if you can't be happy as a party of one, you will NEVER (and I underscore that word emphatically) find happiness with another human being. In fact, you will only make your happiness (or illusion thereof) their responsibility. NO ONE is responsible for our own happiness. That is now, and will forever be OUR responsibility.

If you're using words like "pain" to describe things, it means you are still not ready for dating. You need to make yourself happy first. Once that is accomplished and you can go from one day to the next without feeling like you're "missing out", THEN you'll be ready for a relationship. Using words like "pain" send signals loud and clear that you are hoping to find someone to make you happy.

That's YOUR responsibility, man. Own it.

It's like I have said to others in the past:

When my cup is empty ~ I will work to add to it
When my cup is half full ~ I will work to fill it
When my cup is full ~ You will overflow it

That is how a relationship works. If you're gonna be like most and just stop half way, and then get another human being to fill that'll fail damn near every time just as right as rain.

Just sayin'.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 154 (view)
what is the deal with lesbians?
Posted: 8/28/2015 11:18:43 AM

one of those pure Lesbians I know

Really? No artificial colors or flavors? From concentrate perhaps? "All the clam - half the calories!"?
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
What's the worst question you've been asked?
Posted: 8/28/2015 11:10:09 AM

Anyone else have a tough or bullsh!t question thrown at them?

I don't know if I can say this was the worst, or even a tough or bullsh!t question...but it certainly wasn't one I was expecting.


Admittedly, I was taken aback. Had to admire her directness though.

See, back in the days of my youth, LONG before "manscaping" became a thing, and long before the phrase "metrosexual" came to be, I was very enamored with my appearance. Meticulous to the Nth degree. Clean shaven, short clean nails with no cuticles, no callouses, high cheekbones (not that I could change that if I wanted to lol), clean teeth, stylish clothes with no wrinkles, shiny shoes, always bathed (Hell, I'd take a shower just to take out the trash just in case someone saw me), and I spent at least 2.5 hours on my hair (which was already quite long at this time and poker straight). Add to that, my slender frame and yeah, I could see why she asked.

It wasn't long after that when I decided to change things up, and went with a more rugged guise and spent less time fussing with my appearance. Then it became jeans, boots, and t-shirts and leather jacket. Even grew out some facial hair as well. I think it bothered me enough to reconsider my lifestyle choices as far as how I was presenting myself to the world.

Spend the rest of my days answering that question every time, or distance myself from that appearance and see if that steers me away from it.

And it did. So I never went back to the "pretty boy" look. I used to be a d!ck in a pretty wrapper. Now I'm just a d!ck in an expected wrapper.

So yeah, this is the only "out there" question I could recall with little effort.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
2nd date ended with keep in touch
Posted: 8/26/2015 2:11:56 PM

which then we had intercourse and next morning taking her home, she ended with "keep in touch"

OP -- Ouch. Kiss of death right there.

That's the politically correct way of saying, "That was...not how I imagined it. We'll keep your resume on file."

It's chick-speak for "The sex was sub-par."

Sorry, bro.

Am I looking too much into that phrase?

Yep. You certainly are reading way too much into it. Well, at least your ego is. Some part of you wants to believe that she really meant what she said, and she really does want you to "keep in touch", but your deepest man-parts know exactly what she meant by it.

Or a polite way of saying we should stay as online friends?

Like I said just's the dating world's version of the work world response of, "We'll keep your resume on file." when you apply for a job.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
At what age typically does the know it all princess attitude end, 30 what?
Posted: 8/25/2015 2:29:59 PM

At what age typically does the know it all princess attitude end

OP - There is no defined age when this nonsense stops. Typically, a thing cannot exist inside a vacuum, so as long as there are still people willing to tolerate her princess attitude and mentality, and continue to feed it, it will not stop.

The day is does stop, it is immediately after her first slice of humble pie has been served and consumed. This is also referred to as "knocking them down a few pegs/notches".

They have this mentality because it keeps getting fed. Remove the standard feeding and replace the food with humble pie, and the problem disappears almost as if by demon sorcery or divine intervention. A princess will need to be put in her place. She will need to witness harsh, cold reality up close and personal. She will need to be told directly that no, she is not "all that". She needs to be ignored. She will need to lose status, face, or privilege. She needs to be removed from her lofty perch or ivory tower. She needs to experience abject failure. She will need to experience the lowest point in her life.

After that humble pie has been consumed, she is now fit to join the rest of us in the real world. The one that doesn't revolve around her at all.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 160 (view)
Good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with
Posted: 8/25/2015 1:51:19 PM

The blame or onus is on the individual who keeps repeating the process to take stock and figure out the causal relationship and change it.

But that can't possibly be! OH NOES!! Personal accountability in today's entitled, "professional victim" society??? THE HUMANITY!!

When you are the lowest common denominator in every one of your failed mathematical equations, then you are the sole beneficiary of any blame, shame, or repercussion. Sadly, this is not the society we live in. Not even close. It is always someone/something else's fault for the situations we find ourselves in. Personal accountability and personal responsibility are on the extinction list, and have been for several years running.

I can't recall the last time I heard someone utter, "My role in this failure/debacle/hot mess/trainwreck was (such and such)." All I EVER hear/read is, "(This thing/that person/this event/that outcome) is responsible! It wasn't MY fault that (whatever was bound to happen actually happened)!"

Society loves themselves a victim.

That ain't going away anytime soon either...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 157 (view)
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 8/21/2015 11:48:36 AM

Best solution - just say no to marriage.


Since a man's odds of finding that less than 10% that would be emotionally mature and rational enough to discuss real world matters in a direct and forthright manner (see: the pre-nup) are exponentially abysmal at best, the only logical position to take is one of non-marriage. The perpetual date. Far easier to do in the US and some other countries where common-law marriage is not a "thing" yet, compared to Canada where nearly every jurisdiction has the common-law rule as a de facto standard.

Yet, we'll hear women bleat on about "how very MRA of you", and "Been drinking the MGTOW Kool-Aid again?" chorus lines in a weak and pathetic attempt to shame a man into performing his "duty" to marry them.

I actually appreciate that more and more men every passing year are less and less inclined to marry or even shack up with women. With the scales tipped so cleanly in a woman's favor in divorce proceedings, it's no secret why that is. I can't help but laugh when I see post after post lamenting how men are "too afraid" to marry, and there must be something wrong with them, and on and on, when the reality is that they are just beginning to awaken and see the light. That there is no practical purpose to a marriage at all for a man. This falls on the heels of so many each year (and more every year) turning their backs on organized religion (see: near-cultist, fairytale spewing mendacity) so the whole premise of no kids out of wedlock is becoming less and less of an issue. Want a kid? Have one. No longer seeing any need to marry first and then have a kid because gee, "God" will shun you if you have one out of wedlock.

Maybe in 1950, sure. It was the exception, not the rule.

In 2015, more children have come out of wedlock than from. Now it is the new "normal". It is now the rule, and not the exception.

I hope I live long enough to see marriage as an institution itself die the miserable death it so righteously deserves. A complete and total disconnect from "tradition", and the very phrase itself can be established in an archive somewhere. Seeing a wedding dress and tux in the Smithsonian as a sign of days from our past would be a sight to behold. Marriage would then only be used by the organized religions that still exist, because..."God".

But everywhere else, it would be a mere footnote in some annals somewhere.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 155 (view)
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 8/21/2015 9:42:33 AM

You don't need a big wedding in order to get married....courthouses are cheap.

Sadly, divorces are decidedly NOT.


If two people can not sit down and have a frank discussion of what they BOTH want, then they have NO business getting married OR living together.

There are scores of posts and threads about these fabled "frank discussions" littering POF, and they all end pretty much the same...

"A pre-nup? So you don't trust me?"
"A pre-nup just tells your partner that you do not trust them as far as you can throw them."
"Discussing a pre-nup with your partner is the quickest way to an argument."
"No woman in her right mind would sign a pre-nup. Who would want to be with someone that doesn't trust them?"
"Pre-nups are not needed and rather insulting IMO. Not all women are "like that"."

And so on and so on.

Now don't get me wrong, I completely and totally support that statement. ALL couples should be able to discuss frank and formal matters with one another to protect themselves, their best interests, and their relationship. Unfortunately, this will typically come to a head when the word "pre-nup" or similar is mentioned, and then the fighting begins. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that less than 10% of any couples involved at this very moment would be able to, or have already had "the talk" without incident.

You wouldn't drive a car without insurance. You wouldn't own a home without insurance. You (shouldn't) travel abroad without insurance. You wouldn't jump out of an airplane without a parachute...

But soon as you mention the dreaded "P word", which is little more than marriage/relationship insurance, all Hell breaks loose.

Society is vastly retarded that way...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
Good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with
Posted: 8/21/2015 9:23:51 AM

One proof of this is that women initiate and file the vast bulk of divorce actions.

HAH! No man is gonna be in a hurry to lose half his worth to yet another professional victim, so this explains a lot about why men are not lining up to initiate divorces. The only thing that "proves" is that she is now ready to soak him for half his worth. It proves nothing beyond that.

You'll have to try way harder than that to make a point with substance...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
Good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with
Posted: 8/20/2015 2:23:40 PM

"I’m sick of being good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be with” said a young woman in my office yesterday.

Ah yes, victims aren't we all?

*yawn* *vomit*

The chick that Graham describes in his mini-missive sounds like quite the pill. She is, without any doubt, a poster child for professional victims everywhere globally. She sounds like she is right off the rails, and is covered head to toe in her own self-pity and drama.

Why the f**k cries for 3 days straight over a jerkoff? I almost stopped reading at that point. Her drama was starting to seep through my monitor...

So she is described as a fine specimen by Graham, and one would assume easy enough that since she is easy on the eyes, she must be doing well in the "be with somebody" department. But wait, she seems to have established herself as someone that is good enough to bang, but not good enough to settle down with. OH NOES!! The humanity!!

*yawn* *vomit*

Seems to be the battle hymn of professional victims all over the place. Their rallying cry. We live in such a role-less, non gender-specific, free willed and "empowered" society (right grrrrrrls?), so how is it that women still exist in these situations? How do they seem to be so pervasive? I mean, they have been "empowered" to drop the formalities and appearances and just "be a man" when it comes to the sex, pleasure of, and enjoyment what's the issue here? They're "empowered" to not look at sex as anything more than a pleasure vehicle..."just like men".

And then this happens.

She probably opened her mouth and went on about roles, expectations, empowerment (right grrrrrrls?), and the feminist agenda claptrap and he decided that he'd broom her. Who wouldn't?

Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex. Been that way since forever. Doubt that will ever change in my lifetime.

Are there are real victims in this story? Not that I can see. She is accountable for her own actions and choices she makes, and the consequences that will undoubtedly follow. She didn't get what she wanted, so now she's a victim because...damn men and such!

Far as I can tell, she keeps exposing herself to that sort of riff-raff and has only herself to blame for the mess she's in. Kinda like those broads that are ALWAYS AND FOREVER complaining about how bad they have been treated, and how men are just pigs/scum/dogs/etc., and so on and so on...and yet she NEVER CHANGES HER PREFERENCE IN MEN and so thus keeps engaging the SAME @$$holes with the same problems so she can continue to lament about how it is the MAN'S fault that she is where she is. Reminding me of that kid that burned their hand on the hot @$$ stove, and then proceeded to do it again...and again...and again...yeah, just like that kid. Lesson is there to be learned but they refuse and keep repeating the same actions over and over again expecting a different result.

Oh wait - we have a medical term for that very thing - INSANITY.

So when you expose yourself as bat-sh!t insane, is it any wonder why the man (or woman) would leave your dumb-as-a-post self? HAH! At best, they'll "get some" first, and then broom you like leftover dryer lint.

This isn't about morals, or judgement or anything like that - it all boils down to choices made, and then choices repeated. If you're too damn stupid to learn the first time...then the fault is entirely your own, and you can go play victim to the mirror. Keep repeating the same choices and it's like playing Russian Roulette and then getting pissed off that you happened to find the chamber that had the bullet...what the f**k did you think would happen?!

But no, society loves them a victim. We see them every day, everywhere. People pissing their little panties because something in life didn't go their way, so time to play the victim card and blame "them" (whomever "they" are). Personal accountability in society today is as easy to find as a unicorn...

Yes, I intended to say that.

Nothing can be anyone's personal responsibility. Nope. Always has to be laid bare at someone else's feet.

It's stories like this that just get added to the list, while we wait for the next one. And the next one. And so on.

Society, it seems, cannot be without a victim.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 204 (view)
has anyone actually participated in a threesome?
Posted: 8/17/2015 11:19:44 AM

has anyone actually participated in an actual threesome and if so how would you rate the experience?

Hmm...having been in a MMF and a FFM threesome, I can say the experience is...over-rated. Not saying it was gawd awful mind you, but just not really all they say it is, and not worth the years of pining away as a taboo fantasy one holds on to.

I was willing to try again with an ex of mine because, to my surprise, her fantasy was a FFM threesome. With very specific guidelines as well, naturally. Namely that I couldn't be anywhere near the other female (sexually speaking)...she was there just for my ex. LOL I was willing to do it because I had been there and done that, and though I found the whole thing to be "meh", she hadn't experienced it yet so taking one for the team was something I was willing to do.

Some really enjoy it. Others not so much. I'm the latter.

I think it's because, for me, despite the best of intentions and all the agreements in the world not to get upset or disjointed about it all - it still happens, and then things just get messy and complicated.

"You spent more time with her than with me"
"You let him do (that) to you but you never let me do (that)"

Etc. etc.

Too convoluted for my liking. I guess I'm old fashioned like that, in that I prefer my intimacy to be intimate...and one on one. Too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 113 (view)
Do you touch on the first date?
Posted: 8/17/2015 11:10:07 AM

There is something in a touch that can almost send a signal if you like the person or not. Have you found that to be true?

OP - Only if there's no thought involved and it happened unconsciously. To me, that would signal a comfort level has been achieved from both parties (assuming that she didn't pull away or make a remark about no-touchy). If one has to actively think about touching someone to "send a signal" then it is meaningless.

Those kind of gestures should all be autonomic and unconscious.

Kind of like the fist bump between bros. No one thinks, "Gee, I have to find a way to fist bump my bro today...", it just happens when the moment presents itself - if it does.

Same thing with romantic contact. It should just happen. Not be analyzed and preconceived.

Just my thoughts.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
Chatting too long before first meeting
Posted: 8/17/2015 11:05:38 AM

How do you handle (people) who want to chat for far too long before meeting face-to-face?

OP - Depends on your version of "too long". Are we talking about a few days, weeks or longer? Are you just maybe being impatient and trying to force things to happen that aren't ready to happen yet? Like watching the proverbial pot?

Not everyone is created equal. Some people, and I suppose it could be said a LOT of people are hesitant to meet up with strangers all willy-nilly. The first step to any successful relationship is - communication. Without that, a relationship will just wither on the vine.

Perhaps these people are gun-shy? Introverted where you may be extroverted? Maybe they just want more time to more accurately gauge their interest and determine if that interest is genuinely reciprocated? So many variables to consider.

I know if it were me, unless we were chatting for like 3 months with no face-to-face, I wouldn't be bothered to rush it. I'd just let things flow as they are and see where it goes. Either party may finally reach a breaking point where they just HAVE to meet this person and they will make that known. Not in an impatient, "Yanno...we've been chatting for a whole WEEK now...when we gonna meet?!" kinda way either. Rather in an, "Yanno...we really seem to have a lot of common interests and maybe we could enjoy some of them together? In person even?" kinda way.

Quickest way to kill interest from a party is to rush things. Make them conform to YOUR rigid standards expecting that everyone should. That's not how the game is played.

If someone manages to catch your fancy and you hit it off like gangbusters, just be patient. Let things happen. You'll only kick your own @$$ later on if you decided to press the issue and had them run off or drop you like a bad habit because you're coming off like a stalker or a control freak (or worse - desperate). We ain't getting any younger, true, but life isn't all about the's about the journey. Enjoy it.

But yeah, if they get to like 3 months and appear disinclined to meet or keep putting up roadblocks to doing so - cut your losses and keep them as a pen pal at best. I mean, one still has to be realistic about this...
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
too cautious or trust issues
Posted: 8/14/2015 3:15:29 PM

but others I admit this insecurity has pushed them away

OP - All of us are our own worst enemies. We seem to thrive on self-sabotage for whatever reason. The bottom line is, life sucks pretty hard most days. Life is not fair - if you want fair, move to the County as I hear they host them at least annually. Life is mean. Life is suspect. Life is also exciting and mysterious.

Make no mistake, you will undoubtedly get your butt burned more times than you'd care to count, but that's part of the living experience. Sure it'll suck and sure, it'll be hard to deal with...initially. As life experience starts to pile up, you'll get more and more savvy to that whats and wheres and how-ifs of the world around you. Less paranoid, and more astute.

Always being on guard due to a bad experience here and there is an instant turn off...yeah. Insecurity is a deal breaker for the sane among us. Too much drama surrounds it to even wanna deal with it.

If you want a life where you are not hurt, and not a someone stated, stay at home and take up knitting and be prepared to house a lot of cats one day.

Otherwise, accept that life doesn't always play fair and yes, you will get kicked around some. That is part of what helps us understand things better, and adapt as needed. Experience. No better teacher than that.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
Is it just me, or is asking for more pics right off a turn off?
Posted: 8/14/2015 3:03:11 PM

So is it just me, or does this bug anyone else?

In this day and age of the digital lie (see: Photoshop) can convince anyone that they are who they say they are, and they look JUST LIKE that photo you just saw. But we all know that more often than not, this was a great photo...5 years and 20 wrinkles, 8000 grey hairs, 2 operations, or 50lbs ago.

Unless one is updating their pics near every day, or every other day, a suitor has to treat the pics that are made available as "this is a good place to start, but how old are those pics...REALLY?" Becoming agitated or defensive about a request for more pics, and underscoring RECENT pics just makes the suitor believe that indeed, these may have been good pics...several years back. And no, people really aren't interested in someone's "word" these days. Like the old saying goes, "Pics or it never happened."

I know it wouldn't bug me or bother me at all if I were pressed for more pics. That's part of playing the game, and since they can't just stalk me at a local supermarket like they used to, pics will have to suffice.

A good lot of society, male and female, are very visual. This is where they will make a lot of their interpersonal choices, based on appearance. This is just how society functions. Sure, we would rather be wanted for brains, wit, or some other brand of appeal...but curbside appeal will always trump all others. That's just how it works.

I know personally speaking, if I had a good place to start, and the pics that were available gave me an idea of who I am trying to connect with...I'd immediately be put off if they didn't agree to at least one or two more recent pics. Even those that have "nothing to hide" or "nothing to be ashamed of" will send out the "I have something to hide"/"I am ashamed of..." vibe with their refusal. A lot of cats will be heading for the next trash can at that point.

Sometimes it's just better to acquiesce and be done with it, than to make a Federal issue over it all. If someone truly had nothing to hide or be ashamed of, then why the fuss? If you're wanted for your humor or talent or wit or whatever other innocuous trait, then why bother putting ANY pics up at all to whet an appetite that you KNOW only too well will just be whetted...and they will want to see more?

Reminds me of a girl from here some years back who did that. Great profile, and zero pics. Posted to the forums here and there and was a hoot to read. We connected off screen and communicated back and forth for a while. After a few weeks, she decided all on her own to send me pics. She was AMAZING. Damn. Easy a 9 or 10. Drop dead gorgeous. We met for coffee, and she was exactly how her pics looked. We talked for hours about the dating scene and how she finds it refreshing to chat up people with NO pics made available to see who is interested in HER first, before she drops the pics at random. She laughed about how many guys are missing out on exactly what they are after (looks) because she never put them on display until she felt it was time. They had to get connected first. She played the game brilliantly. We never dated, and we lost touch after a while, but she is an example of how the game can be played the way you need it to be played.

If it's bothering you that much, maybe just do away with the pics entirely and just leave a fantastic profile. Then if people are still lining up at your inbox, chat 'em up til you get a connection then drop some pics on them.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 52 (view)
Ladies, do you take a while to get over a guy?
Posted: 8/14/2015 2:44:54 PM

If you aren't super hot, you are invisible

And the male equivalent would be "if you aren't someone powerful (status), you are invisible". This isn't mired only in's pretty much a global standard. Having looks for the ladies is pretty much the universal standard, whereas with men folk, it can vary but almost always comes down to money or power (status). Looks can be meh, and maybe even just fair...but if they have power or money, they are certainly getting a second look.

Men here have very high standards, and will hold out for years for the ultimate eye candy.

Men everywhere are capable of some pretty high standards. Just as women are more than capable of maintaining some equally high standards. These men, as you say, will hold out for the ultimate eye candy, but they (and you) fail to realize that every day that passes is another day that sees their stock drop some. Just like with women who also maintain the same mentality of holding out for the perfect status symbol or money-machine...every day that passes their stock is dropping some. I can't help but laugh at either sex in a situation like that. Nothing wrong with not really wanting to "settle" per se, but if you take a close look at both sexes, oftentimes their expectations far exceed the realities. What they can offer doesn't quantify what they feel they "deserve" in exchange. Let's say, modest to fair looks, but otherwise quite a common look about them...but they feel that they "deserve" a six-figure salary man, with awesome looks, a quick wit and wry smile, and status to beat all Hell.

Or men that are fair to middling, with a blue collar menial job but perhaps no direction in life who feel they "deserve" a solid EIGHT or NINE at the very least because...reasons.

Ain't gonna happen. For either party. For what you're holding pat for, you better hope you are bringing something pretty spectacular to the table else you'll still be avoiding "settling" long into 40s and 50s due to your self-delusion.

Men do not want average. They wont settle

LOL. Just as women won't settle for average either. Their expectations are just as rank as any man's can ever hope to be. The funny thing is, there's a pretty broad line between "settling" and "compromising". All too often the sexes seem to think these are interchangeable.

They are not.

When one settles - they take what they can get. ANYTHING they can get. When one compromises, they lower their bar to accept this loss and that flaw in exchange for that bonus and that incentive. Great things come to those who lower their bars back down to reality. Settling comes to those that kept their bar in unrealistic altitudes for far too long, and now have to take whatever scraps life has to offer them.

We have loads of super hot ladies here, and the younger the better. It's just a different attitude out here

Again, LA doesn't corner the market on that phenomenon. That attitude you mention seems pretty standard, status quo nearly everywhere you look. Fantastic, good looking catches but not a lot of activity on the male or female front. Just a lot of looking and tire kicking, while assessing whether this one or that one meets your bar's height or not.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
Women with Guarded Hearts. Can you make it work?
Posted: 8/11/2015 10:21:27 PM

^^^^Shut the fvck up. You couldn't be more wrong about hysterectomies.

No reason to get nasty. As I said, all women are different. I've met the ones that the hysterectomy send them into a chaotic personality crisis.

Clearly you missed the sheer irony of her reply then? Did it NOT just completely underscore what you actually wrote previously on the topic?

I thought it exemplified it.

Guess you missed the irony there ;)
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 85 (view)
Melt down
Posted: 8/11/2015 10:17:08 PM

I wrote a long rude response but then realized it isn't worth my time. You are 50 years old, single, never married despite being in a 10 year relationship, and on a dating site but unwilling to display your photo. That tells me everything I need to know. It seems life has already meted out its own punishment to you. Seriously good luck finding someone who wants to date you.

OP - There are lines one simply does not cross, and you just leapfrogged that sum****. Not cool, dude. Not at all.

Attack a TOPIC. Attack a REPLY. You do NOT attack a user. Especially since it makes you come off as a petulant infant of a man that pouts and sulks and fills their diaper after losing an argument.

Any credibility you may have otherwise had just got flushed down the shi**er. Your response was beyond infantile and puerile.

You should take a few days away from the forums til you can conduct yourself like an adult. Seriously.
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
In love with no future?
Posted: 8/11/2015 10:08:44 PM
OP - I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but after reading your post, you come off as a complete and total control freak and I suspect (more than a suspicion) that it is your own behavior that is toxic to this relationship...budding as it may be.

I am pretty sensitive to words used and the context they portray, and you hit just about every key marker as indicating a control freak personality. Not just what you wrote, but how you wrote it and the words you used (in the context used) give you away. Control freaks all have the same patterns you just exhibited.

I'm not suggesting that she doesn't also have a controlling personality, but since it is only your side of the story we see this is all I have to go on. Your post has many earmarks of controlling tendencies, as well as a smatter of narcissistic tendencies as well (though less pronounced).

My girlfriend and I figure you may be from a European (MENA) decent; we both said Moroccan actually and your cultural background may be playing a role in how you treat and view women and relationships. Different cultures have way different perspectives on a man and woman's "roles" in the universe, and that may factor in heavily.

In any case, as a piece of friendly advice from me to you - walk away and both of you win. It's clear that this is going to go nowhere, and I figure it's your attitudes that are the major reason for that. On the surface you may appear to be all congenial and such, but your post and how you wrote it and what you said tells me otherwise immediately.

If you are a control freak - STOP IT.

If you are a part time narcissist - STOP IT.

You were correct that a new and budding relationship shouldn't be having this many bumps in the road from the get-go, but I feel this is your doing. It's not uncommon to disagree on things especially in a new relationship because it means that you are i) communicating a lot, and ii) discovering that no, you really don't see eye to eye on every little thing (this is HEALTHY). Where you're going with it is ridiculous and toxic. To each of you.

Maybe you just need some time to yourself to reevaluate how life really works, and to let go of the reins every once in a while so others may be in control. Not everything has to go your way, and not everybody has to see your point of view all the time. A relationship is give and take in equal amounts. You strike me as one who does not like to share control or power, and that in itself is a recipe for disaster. You always have to be right because you yell the loudest and hurl the most remarks. You have to get the last word. You have to be "the one". That crap don't fly in the real world, unless you want to date a doormat.

I may be off the mark but something tells me that I am dead on. You gave away far too many indicators for me to believe otherwise. I see the Red Flags. Maybe she does too, and that's what's setting off all the drama every 3 days or so?

In any case - walk away. For both of you.
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