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 Author Thread: Dating Someone With A High IQ
 forumflashlight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 459 (view)
 
Dating Someone With A High IQ
Posted: 10/18/2012 3:09:56 PM
Yes, I've dated several with high IQs and very different interests/areas of specialization.

Mental illness occurs across the spectrum of IQ, and is a separate issue, although if too severe it can prevent intelligence from being testable.

As for whether it worked for me or not....I didn't have the same area of specialization nor did I feel any need to compete with them on it. We shared a personal life together. That worked.

Some general positives I could extract....they were lively, curious, entertaining, that's as much as I could really say across the board, as they were unique individuals.

I don't feel any of them were necessarily easily bored, if that's what you are wondering when dating a very intelligent person. If they were locked in a box with nothing to do, they would be busy figuring out ways to get out of the box.

What is really fun is dating someone who has either a very different intelligence or complementary intelligence.

I am dating someone now who could design sorts of things I used to take apart and work on in the operational sense. ;)

He thinks I am cleverer than he, I think he is very definitely a more sophisticated logical thinker than myself.

Watching him build a logic train is adorable. Even if he is just going to wreck mine with it.

In other words, you have to love/like/be attracted to the person, and if they are wildly smarter than you about something, you have to be able to maintain your own ego tire pressure, so to speak.
 forumflashlight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 109 (view)
 
Getting touchy feely on the first date...
Posted: 10/17/2012 2:15:21 PM
wow. such strong opinions on this thread.

Is it possible we have a debate between the ones who feel their way through and the ones who need milestones checked off?

In that case no one is wrong. The feelers will find each other and the milestone checkers will find each other.

I am curious why several posters are so afraid. One can walk away from a bad kiss, or frankly, slap a bad groper.

One could even just get up and walk out of a date that was going so badly your skin was crawling. If you make yourself stay in situations that feel bad, maybe you're screwing up your own openness to anything that feels good. Just say something reasonable and walk out. You are a free agent, free to do anything you want with your own time, attention and body.

Maybe if we felt more free to just respond either way, some would be more comfortable with getting all the immediate knowledge that comes from touch.

If I didn't feel immediately safe and cozy with a man on a date, I would just say I feel uncomfortable and walk out. Dates aren't a prison sentence.

Maybe if you are so nervous you can't feel your own feelings on the date, you might feel you can't read the radar until you calm down.

A good man can communicate in his touch that he cares about your feelings, that you are safe and that he is in tune with you and wants to please you.

Real psychopaths are overrepresented in the movies and are largely weeded out in real life because you will be able to see they can't get along with anyone and have no contacts, no friends, no family.

Controlling narcissists are pretty easy to spot; they don't care about your feelings at all, most especially, they don't want to please you.

A really good man might actually be trying to reassure you with a gentle touch, as that's an essential communication tool for them.

Bad touch is so revealing, SO FAST. If you really want to speed up your dating, let the information be what it is, instantly bad or good.

Give it a shot. It's not trusting them, it's trusting yourself.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
When does it click?
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:30:54 PM
If you are really sarcastic, you might be making them defensive.

Negative expression is a form of intimacy. Can't be shared with strangers well.

Datable qualities are :
kindness
sincerity
respect
humor
flirting
playful
serious
interesting
challenging
double-dog-daring
teasing
gentleness
embracing
warmth
persistence
reassurance
persistence
initiative
courage
persistence

In that order.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Quit being fun, and thoughtful, and friendly.
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:23:20 PM
OK Genius.

Here's a thought. Your main picture looks like it might have been a wedding pic with the wife cropped out.

Occam's razor, my friend.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Sex and Dating late 30s and early 40s
Posted: 11/30/2011 5:02:15 PM
Hi greeneyes.

I haven't had any FWB relationships, so I can't say anything about that.

I think everybody wants the whole package.

My idea is a little different though. I don't want to date a man who doesn't want to have sex with me. And it seems that men are able to make up their minds about that fairly quickly.

I can make up my mind in the negative fairly quickly, but it takes more time to move from neutral to positive. I just need time to feel it out and see how I feel around this person.

So in that sense I agree with you. I need more time than they do. But I really don't mind that men want sex in the relationship; that's sort of reassuring, in fact. I just hope they want to also share other kinds of conversations.

Maybe that's the difference in how I see it vs. getting angry that men want sex only.

I want to have a conversation with them, a relationship where everything we do together is sharing meaning. Sex is a way of sharing meaning.

So, I don't want to have a chit-chat one-time sexual conversation. That's all.

And there are lots of guys out there who just want the chit-chat. OK.

I can wear the chit-chatters out until they go elsewhere seeking superficial sex.

I just refuse to get angry at all men over this. I know lots and lots of men who would dearly love to have someone care about their feelings and are not just sex-obsessed.

I'm not going to be shoved along on someone else's timeline, that is all. I don't have a specific timeline because frankly every relationship is different and has a different vibe, and I could see someone being very emotionally open with me and being very natural and calm about physical affection and that would likely speed up the timeline.

It isn't REALLY a timeline, but there is a speed at which I can process and respond.

Some guys slow it down and some guys stop the train on its tracks altogether.

Obstacles are usually: rudeness, rushing me, being too brash about it, giving the impression that it's all about them and it's something they just want to get from me, or a lot of nervousness on their part.

I'm not going to dump a guy for nervousness...but I might catch a case of it myself or I might decide to wait until he's not nervous to move forward in any way.

So, OP, in the basic sense I agree with you because I want to know who the guy really is and have time to respond to how I feel about him.

The really tough situation is when I know right away this is going to be good and it just gets better with every date.....that's a rare thing and a fun challenge.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Are you your mind?
Posted: 11/27/2011 8:57:48 PM
OP

It depends on how you define "you-ness" and "mind."

If you define your "mind" as the collection of thoughts and sensations occurring to you on an on-going basis, then, the answer is partially, yes, but not completely.

Example:

I once had an Alzheimer's patient in therapy for one hour. Giving him social and environmental stimulation proved interesting because he repeated his attentional focus and sequential thinking every five minutes.

Every five minutes. So I began to see if he could demonstrate any variation on his responses.

He maintained the same choice and same favorite object for one hour, continuously being presented the opportunity to make different choices and choose different favorites.

He was still "himself" because he chose the same and explained it the same way every time. There were organic deficits in his brain that stopped him from remembering he'd done this before and also kept him from being able to record the memory.

However, he still knew what he liked. And he still operated as himself, even with physical deficits.

There are types of brain damage that can change the personality, and types of amnesia that can erase the life history. But the operator of that brain is still the same person, just operating with altered circuitry.

Just because they are thinking different thoughts does not make them a different entity. They are the same entity who now experiences differently.

Your question would be more interesting if you wondered whether you are more than one entity...since we can saw your corpus callosum in half and separate the hemispheres, effective creating two of you in the same braincase.

Also, it would be even more interesting if you wondered whether more of your "self-ness" exists in your frontal cortex, limbic system, mammalian brain or your brain stem operations, plus the experience of "selfness" coming in from the input of the central nervous system's set of responses.

In fact, considering all that, it's a wonder you could muster enough self-integration to speak of yourself clearly to pose the question.

Only you can finally answer this question. It's your reality.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
KIDS - What is good/bad/ugly to show in a profile
Posted: 11/24/2011 9:47:47 AM
IMO, no kids' pictures on a profile is just being safe.

I don't go into detail on my profile about my kid, because my profile is about ME, not my kid.

Therefore, I do include that I am a Mom, because that is about me.

I don't like profile pics of men with their children...I suppose I can see they are trying to show up as the good guys, and bolster their credibility.

But, it has a hint to me that they are not viewing themselves as an individual.

So, I just don't like it and it looks like they are using the kids to show who they are, rather than explaining who they are as a man.

I say, stand on your own two feet in the dating world, and shield your children behind you. Your adult relationships may not ever reach the point of sharing or overlapping with the children, and that is okay. The kids can have best friends and so can we, without all ending up at Chuckie Cheese together.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 75 (view)
 
After Many Failed Relationships, Is Your Heart Still Open Or Have You Become Disillusioned/Jaded?
Posted: 11/20/2011 5:52:16 PM
Yeah, well, do not crash me with Ashton Kutcher, because I would have to give him an attitude adjustment with a coconut and stuff his mouth with beach sand to keep from going utterly mad listening to his prattlings.

Ummmm....can I pick my crash partner........yep I want one of those guys from the survivor shows where they make everything out of their shoelaces! LOL! Plus, I need a stash of chocolate; I can't really live anywhere without chocolate. And some penicillin.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 71 (view)
 
After Many Failed Relationships, Is Your Heart Still Open Or Have You Become Disillusioned/Jaded?
Posted: 11/20/2011 12:28:31 PM
Yes, the O'Donohue is awesome, though I haven't read it all.

I recognized it, more or less, as I read it. It was amazing to see someone elucidate my "ephemeral feelings," as IQ puts it.

I cannot answer the deserted island question for certain as I have not experienced it...but my educated guess is a year for me.

Educated by something quite the reverse. I was once surrounded by 5,000 mostly eligible, fit healthy men whilst in a heartbroken state, as my lover had flown off to the other coast.

It is the keening of the heart for one solitary other, who is not like any other, that makes up the definition of "to pine."

Even more cruelly, everyone in the vicinity was dressed just like him....it was like being surrounded by clones, stirring up bits of recognition and longing. But then seeing the "strange" other inside the disguise. It seemed to me that everyone who was dressed like him was wearing a disguise...only his own presence made his uniform authentic to me.

I didn't want to be solitary; I wanted to move on, but surrounded by clones of him, I was solitary for eighteen months and two moves, two other states and thousands of miles. Until I was able to fly to him and we said a proper goodbye.

So, based on that, I think I could last quite a while on that deserted island.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 68 (view)
 
After Many Failed Relationships, Is Your Heart Still Open Or Have You Become Disillusioned/Jaded?
Posted: 11/19/2011 7:45:33 PM
Capitano:
Thanks. You never know when you may re-discover your own rosy outlook.

Sweetest:
Glad you found something that resonated with you. Words are meant to bring us together. ;)

VL: This is a neat thread. Thanks.

Here is one of my favorite things from the Anam Cara by John O'Donohue.

In looking at relation, we must look at how we approach the Other who is not us...paraphrased to shorten his explanation.

"The stranger does not come accidentally; he brings a particular gift and illumination."

This resonated with me deeply since I have had the experience of loving people, in different ways, as friends or lovers or just a particular fondness, and being separated from them for many years as I was travelling...upon return, to be reunited with someone after ten, sixteen, twenty years....and to hear the voice of that loved one....is to light up in only the particular way that person illuminates the memories in the mind and heart....the heart glows in a pattern only for that one....like a snowflake.

I may not see my darling nephew for years at a time, but one glimpse of his beloved face, even though he is quite a strapping young man now, and my heart melts at the memory of the little redheaded boy who loved me.

I've had the great joy of reuniting with a girly best friend after twenty years....how amazing it is to still see the same twinkle in someone's eyes, and share the same mischief and laughter, exactly the same, twenty years later.

To hear the voice of someone you loved...no matter how long ago...is still to love them.

It isn't to suddenly remember a laundry list of things they did that were annoying or hurtful or betraying.

If you can't feel the love bubble up for someone after having some distance from them.....then it was truly killed and you can't get it back....at least I think so....although I haven't yet been faced with a person like that on their deathbed....it might return anyway if I thought they were fading out of the world....at least I hope so.

Love is separate from all the arrangements we make for it, and contracts we sign about it, and scrapbooks we make of its journey.

Love is us doing what we do. It's a verb.

Finding love....is a silly concept. Like saying you have to find your eyelashes.

Finding someone who opens you up and makes your heart shine and creates a sacred, fearless space for you to un-disguise yourself, for you to gaze deeply into them and let them see you loving them.....

That is something to find, and learn how to do.

All of us are selfish and silly in searching for someone who will create that space for ourselves....instead of becoming the person who creates that space for the Other, first, and then to openly shine....

I am deeply convinced we would all fall in love with the only other person on a deserted island....deeply and madly....until the rescue boat came, and we discovered other options....because we would stop gazing into that person.

You can love so long as you can focus your gaze, so long as that person gives you the gift of their gaze.

Love is witnessing each other.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Your Relationship Sublimation- Static & Complaining OR Actively Improving?
Posted: 11/18/2011 9:24:30 PM
IQ

I like this thread.

I've decided to be sweeter more often.

And never, ever to try again what I tried in 2004.

To learn how to maintain my own balance while all around me is CHOP!

To wait for others to come back to their calm.

To enjoy all that comes my way.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Joint bank accounts in a marriage/relationship
Posted: 11/18/2011 9:12:56 PM
*****tearing at hair*****

Sigh.

Reality - no joint accounts, probably a prenup so no one has any trust issues. I don't want anybody's retirement. I can take care of myself.

Preference - I would just prefer to trust my partner with this and work on it together.

*****tears at hair again*****

but after watching a bank account get drained to zero in three days with lawyers unable to stop it.....

I think I need financial couples therapy. But then again....I will never be with the person who did this again, so I am already safe.

***Whew.***
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 112 (view)
 
Cheating in a Relationship...which is worse?
Posted: 11/18/2011 8:46:41 PM
Wobbly

Your situation was very different. What you had, IMO, was not really a marriage. Where there is abuse, that is a hostage situation.

IMO, you left a hostage situation to try to have an actual relationship.

That is very different than someone who cheats on a giving, loving, connected relationship where they are not being harmed intentionally.

We need to really scope the definition of marriage. It means, to join. Abuse is not joining. I don't care what pieces of paper and ink may say. Joining is transcendant of such things.

Love does not harm.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 39 (view)
 
After Many Failed Relationships, Is Your Heart Still Open Or Have You Become Disillusioned/Jaded?
Posted: 11/18/2011 8:16:42 PM
I would say, that all my relationships ended but not all of them failed.

So my heart is still open for that reason.

If someone truly loved me, that wasn't a failure. I'd say all those who truly loved me, still do. We just don't talk about it. It's a known.

When I truly loved someone, that wasn't a failure. Except once. There was once a person who actually killed the love right in my heart, and the part of me that lit up for that person actually went dark and died. I didn't know for a long time if love and light could move through me again.

But, it's like the forest after a wildfire. Scorched and all, you'll see daisies in the springtime.

Sometimes it just didn't happen at the same time in an equally progressing direction.

Sometimes you walk in and the girl from the office is sitting way too close to your husband and you just know. They've decided together it's time for you to move on.

Sometimes, people are forcibly separated by circumstances, and the echo lingers a long, long time.

Sometimes you learn that you just can't take the hurt-wattage a lover is putting out there. And that you want to live, and they apparently don't.

Sometimes, a lover just loses their ability to balance life, and they crash...and there is nothing you can do to help them that actually....helps them. They need solitude and you can't provide that.

I usually had what I called lonnnnnnng sulks in between serious relationships. Love can give you a twisted ankle and make you sit a few rounds out. Or, break your back and make you look up at the stars for a long, long time.

What I learned was that the love I feel comes from me. That I can love someone in an amazing way that quite possibly they just aren't capable of returning.

What I realized was that all the passion was me, not just them stirring up something universal.

So then I had a better picture of how I couldn't lose myself by loving and being passionate. Because it all belonged to me, and that made me better able to give it fearlessly.

Someone else said they don't want to hurt or be hurt anymore...I think that's when you're really ripe to finally be in your best love. When you consider how sacred it is to find someone in whose presence you light up and shine.

That's when you're really ready to appreciate something amazing...and not forget that it's amazing.

I'm suddenly much more careful of how to hold that person gently in my mind's eye...they are fragile, complicated, one of a kind.

And I want to make it easy for them to be fearless.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 71 (view)
 
Beliefs (Abortion and/or Gun Rights)
Posted: 11/18/2011 7:46:22 PM
This thread has become utterly disgusting.

:modhammer: :modhammer: :modhammer:
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
advice please - I have a two year old and I want to start dating
Posted: 11/17/2011 10:50:52 AM
OK, Waiting, you've had a lot of responses.

I'll try not to repeat.

First of all, as one single mom to another, I respect your right to have a life, absolutely.

As a person who has studied attachment in children, this is my free contribution to your collection of ideas on what may be best.

Two year olds are easily upset by change and naturally going through a certain rejection of mom's willpower and wants, in order to establish their own identity separate from hers. Yep, not eating applesauce can mean they are their own person, or not wearing the blue shirt or the red socks, BECAUSE THEY ARE A RED SHIRT AND BLUE SOCK PERSON, DON'T YOU GET THAT? Lol.

They are literally making the first strikes for independence. Mine stopped letting me pick out her clothes at 18 months. That was it.

Major milestones are happening every few months at this age...potty training is a big one. Stress interrupts that learning process and can set them back to some earlier stage of what they feel they can handle.

Example: The kiddo was 2 1/2 and potty training was advancing rapidly. We moved out of state, new surroundings, different house, different bedroom....Result? potty training shut down, tantrums ensued, previously mastered skills seemed to disappear. Due to other issues, I moved back with her three months later to her original birth home. Potty training resumed, but more slowly, and it didn't really get terrific until age 3 1/2. Kid was totally capable of full potty training at 2 1/2, but all the changes upset her confidence and took focus off what she could do and put focus on how to adjust to new things.

This is just my lil two cents. I wouldn't introduce a 2 year old to a new man in my life for all the money in this world.

I have a rule that nobody is going to meet my kid until I 've known them a year and we intend to be permanent in some fashion.

Since the 2 year old in normal progression is rejecting you as a healthy stage of identity development, if they become stressed by the introduction of a strange person in their lives, and start to cling to you instead, then they are obstructed in their development.

Dating is about you, not your kid. You are the one who needs to date. Two year olds don't need to date, except with a sand shovel maybe.

I know it would be a lot easier if you could just take your kid with you on the date and get ice cream and sit at the park. But trust me, that strange person interacting with you is bothering your kid and they don't know how to express their disturbance, so all sorts of things could go haywire.

Good luck.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Are single parent women scared of younger men?
Posted: 11/17/2011 9:01:31 AM
Afraid? No.

Realistic concern? yes.

Younger men...you don't say age ranges, but you're 21.

All ages these days are parents, even some fifteen year old boys are parents.

It's about, are you mature enough to handle the woman you're eyeing?

I won't even date a 35 year old, even though that's usually an adult age for men.

Before going on a few good dates I thought I might have to open up the range to 60!

It's all the priorities and decisions and choices, being made through the filter of maturity and good sense...or NOT.

If you can hold a conversation with her, that does not mean you can hold her interest emotionally or intellectually.

Being in a similar life space is very important.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 58 (view)
 
honest feedback about sex within the first couple dates
Posted: 11/17/2011 8:08:12 AM
I agree with M14.

This dating culture has turned into a situation where women are auditioning with their bodies to give a man a chance to see if he likes them. Sex for us has become the movie trailer where they show all the best punch lines and give away the plot.

I'd like to know where the sort of thing called "delicious anticipation" has gone.

When you have a first kiss and have sex all on the same day within three hours....don't you have the slightest bit of whiplash?

I like to hold hands. Cuddle up, sit next to each other in front of a fire or football game, doesn't matter.

I just like to gradually get closer to this person, not eat them all up in one bite.

I don't kiss on the first date unless, of course, there is a meteor shower.

I don't really want to be close to a total stranger. I guess that's why I'm not a celebrity sycophant.

I want to see interesting and unique and endearing qualities about the person. I want to have TIME to experience being with them as a separate person.

That's it...that's the difference. I'm not digital. Old school, chemicals and film, takes me time to develop.

Not hating on the digital folks.

Actually, I'm chrome film with an open shutter....LOL! Takes TIME and a little guesswork and some creative inspiration to get the image.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Single mom of 14 month old - about to go crazy!
Posted: 11/17/2011 7:47:08 AM
Ok, everybody needs some milk and cookies and maybe a nap at this point.

Let's not get all hot and bothered comparing apples to oranges.

QueenBee is a good mom and has wisdom to offer.

We all think at some point that our kids are universal to other kids, til we see some outrageous examples of differences.....

Plus, there are huge differences between kids that are raised without others close in age. My child is an only child. She lacked all the set of behaviors that siblings use to compete, never bit in preschool even though she WAS bitten.

Nevertheless, even though she had a ton of dedicated attention, she had a personality type. I wanted to be a time-out no-spanking mom. Forget it. This kid would not go to time-out and stay there. She could be warned a hundred times and still defy, plus she would just use that time to constantly verbalize and try to make her case.

Plus, please be aware that I was a daycare teacher of all classes, birth to five years, in the past, and yep! I never had to spank them because I wasn't their mother. I could get compliance from all of them with loving kindness and redirection.

With my own kid, she was going to prove she could defy me and get away with it unless I literally showed her who was boss. When I was spanking her to get her to stay in time out, it sort of took all the nonviolence out of the timeout method. I still used timeout, but only after she was convinced through spanking that I was determined she would stay there.

I graduated her from spanking on her fifth birthday, but occasionally she relapses and gets one for doing dangerous things.

Now she will tell you she knows who the boss is. She is very well-behaved at school, says Yes, ma'am and no, ma'am to me and other adults, and she is not horse-broke, by any means, she is just civilized enough to fit INTO the world now.

Where before, she was quite determined to make the world fit around her. She is a very sweet, loving child, good with babies and animals, and has an incredibly gentle touch with her hands with delicate things. This kid could hold a butterfly.

But frankly, she's a Napoleon, and I realized as her personality was developing, that all kids develop within the framework of what their parent's personality will allow and they have to adjust to WHO THEIR MOM is.

I'm not a pushover, and my kid had to adjust to that. She just had more "push" than most. This kid had the choice to go to timeout her entire life, and always chose the spanking.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Beliefs (Abortion and/or Gun Rights)
Posted: 11/17/2011 7:21:20 AM
Right on, cowgirl.

Badass TV and movie heroines who fly through the air and beat up dangerous men with their fists are fiction.

Lara Croft is a fantasy fictional character.

GI Jane was fiction.

All this talk about martial arts and defeating 4 attackers by yourself.....

That doesn't really apply to women. It's really simple. I get within arm's reach of an attacker, I'm done for. He's going to bleed and swear and lose some skin, but superior upper body strength and grip strength is what it is.

I'm not a fantasy thinker when it comes to defending myself in hand to hand combat.

It's rather flighty in fact to suggest that all women need to do is go take some tae kwon do.

I'll stick with lead at full velocity. Thanks anyway.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/16/2011 11:15:25 AM
O....MY....BACON...!!!!!

Seventies:

Are you kidding us?

The problem for you is leaving your children and not worrying about them?

How did you let them, pray tell, get through 13 years of public education for 8 hours a day, five days a week???

They were getting their feelings hurt at school too, you know, my kindergartener is complaining about another kinderpop saying the coloring skills are lacking, loser!

"felt you were choosing someone else to do fun things with?"

HELL YES. I am choosing someone else to do fun things with other than my child.

My sort of fun does not involve Chuckie Cheese, mac n cheese with apple sauce for dinner...or an extended period of watching Disney movies. That is not a fun date for me, however much I love my child.

I AM AN ADULT! Who is in serious need of some witty adult conversation, dressing up, dinner out, sipping wine or ginger ale, depending on location...an adult movie that wasn't made by Disney, discussing some interesting topic....with a MAN, not a munchkin.

I have spent and do spend a considerable amount of my life every day serving my child's needs. I am fully aware that if she was around me 24/7 I might monitor her so closely she can't even develop. The kid NEEDS to get out and explore and interact with others. That is not CHILD NEGLECT. That is called GROWING UP without Tyrannosaurus Mommy. Which I am.

But my job in her life is to be the BASE....the Operational Base she returns to for a hug, a bandaid, a PB&J , help with homework, graphic design on demand, and some rest and recreation before she goes back out in the world to become a citizen. I am not here TO BE her life. She is creating her life. She picked out her own best friend, whom she much prefers to me, I can tell you honestly. Because I'm not her best friend. I am Tyrannosaurus Mommy. (See Ice Age for reference.)

She has her own ideas and her own wants for her life. Were I to sacrifice all MY WANTS for MY LIFE, I doubt I would let her live her own life because I'd be trying to get her to choose what I wanted and let go by. (darn, even the toys that I think are sooooo cute, she thinks are just Meh.)

I cannot recall my mom ever worrying about this at all. I never needed her 100% attention. In fact, poor mom, after about six when those teachers taught us to read, I didn't even want her for bedtime stories anymore.

For heaven's sake, if my mother had been in constant radio contact with the chip implanted in my head, most of the fun in my childhood life would never have happened.

I do not feel bad for the time I choose to spend living my life. It impacts the kid minimally while also increasing connections to aunts and grammas. The PB&J's have never been neglected. The hugs and kisses and stern warnings and guidance and homework help are all still fully operational.

I am not her strait-jacket.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Single mom of 14 month old - about to go crazy!
Posted: 11/15/2011 11:59:01 AM
Meh, this is a stupid argument.

It's lacking the one thing that's always lacking in these parenting arguments.

Parent personality. Child personality. 1 + 1 = Interactional relationship.

I love QueenBee's ideas and her quiet room. That is awesome. I'm sure it IS working for her with her kids, else she is smart enough and creative enough to have done something different.

River and Solo have their methods that are effective too.

Dad2stay has a firm approach consistent with stimulus-response. It's all good.

I decided long ago that I couldn't really emulate other mothers. I was told by a pediatrician when my child was 18 months that the activity level was off the charts, more active than all girls and more active than 75% of boys.

Guess what? I got a dominant kid.

Personally, I can really remember being a compliant, independent kid and my mom agrees. Every time she watches my kid I get new applause for my role as a mom, because my mom will be exhausted on the couch.

So my kid did things I would never have dreamed of even twice the age.

Guess what? My dominant kid pretty much forced me to be a dominant mother, else all my territory would be owned by that kid.

I'm a very loving and affectionate mother, but I am not going to be ruled by my kid.

This didn't really start until the intelligence was kicking in about three and a half....before that the activity level was the shark that had to be fed.

I found that most care centers and parents in general DO NOT UNDERSTAND that my kid has to move. Not hyper, not ADD, just a kid who NEEDS to move.

I should have thought about this before marrying a triathlete, but what can I say.

I agree with most mothers as long as they are not abusing their kids in anger, and it works for their relationship.

My kid is kinda like a pit bull. I really enjoy Cesar Milan's show and ideas about being a pack leader, and you can laugh but it really does transfer.

Show uncertainty or hesitation to a dominant kid, and their mouth is running full of sales tactics to get what they want.

Show inconsistency to a dominant kid, and you will literally never be left alone again about the issue.

Show the dominant kid they can control you....make you feel guilty...make you break your own rules for them....they will eat your lunch.

Show them calm, assertive, in control, happy to love you but the answer is still no....they calm right down and remember their place.

I think frankly that the OP might have a dominant kid, either that or like a lot of parents, just doesn't take him outside to burn off his energy enough.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Beliefs (Abortion and/or Gun Rights)
Posted: 11/15/2011 11:17:25 AM
CarKam:

I agree with you that the Hell's Angels are a group of dangerous men who are living a tribal, warlike life at odds with governments and rules of all kinds except their own.

They are not cute and cuddly. But frankly, what they are doing is waging war, their own war. It's terrible and sad that the boy died. But consider what a million of our military with BILLIONS of dollars of equipment and bombs did in Iraq and Afghanistan, how many children and innocent civilians were victims of explosions.

I'm not saying the Hell's Angels are equivalent to our military...but warriors and bombs are the common thread, and there are always unintended casualties.

The Hell's Angels themselves are the casualties, and generationally socialized from the start by disconnected, traumatized, rebellious and betrayed sons of rage. They became anarchic and no longer recognize government as authority.

Flick: Thanks. I was going more with the current crop who are descended from the VN vets, as our WWII vets are mostly in nursing homes or dead.

And their original mandate was to never again be subjected to or used by power, instead to wage whatever power they could in service to their own interests.

They are still human beings, although they are training each other to disconnect emotionally from atrocity and commit atrocity.

In America, there will always be groups of rebels allowed to co-exist or in various stages of conflict with the governing authorities.

Apparently in Canada as well. Terrible story.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Are We All Looking For Something That Doesn’t Exist?
Posted: 11/15/2011 10:50:04 AM
OK haters you can all stop hating on the beautiful woman who is exactly what you want LOL.

Hm...well, Bullshit Radar, maybe your tagline is a bit too self-protective to get you what you want. Who wants to date someone named Bullshit Radar?

We've all felt many times on this website that we were the only normal humans who eat Cheerios in bowls with milk and a spoon. It's just a bad moment, you'll get over it.

Also, is it just possible that in your real life, your beauty has always communicated for you? That you may never have had to really formulate your thoughts specifically for what you want in a man because they gave you a sample to choose from and you just, intuitively, reached for what you wanted?

I'm only asking that in a respectful way because frankly I have a lot of beautiful friends as well as a beautiful sister.

Online dating may be really helpful for you, as in person you must be blinding the guys until they can't think straight enough to approach you or say anything coherent. Unless they are narcissistic players, which is probably what you've experienced.

Dating in California is different, I'll grant you that, and you are doing what really works in Cali, showing it off. Online, you will possibly do better if you tone down the beauty somewhat, keep the belly-baring pics private and only send them to someone after you've chatted and they ask...you're scaring all the zoo animals who want to talk to you.

The person you want has to exist clearly in your own mind first. Write it down and put thought into it...not lists of physical traits per se...but how does he live? love?

Then you can recognize him.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 116 (view)
 
WOMEN....Are you afraid to settle down with a Military Man?
Posted: 11/15/2011 10:13:07 AM
Nope.

Wasn't afraid to BE in the military either.

However, spending over three years in the midst of unfiltered locker room talk, taught me what a lot of Military So-called Men, Really Juvenile Boys, think about women.

Plus, I had a fiance too, and he decided he didn't want to follow me all over the country.

I'm not on here whining about it.

It comes with the territory.

If you present such an extraordinary challenge as a partner, then you have to do something to be extraordinarily worthy.

Have you done anything to be extraordinarily worthy?

Your uniform, your paygrade and your job are all about YOU.

They don't transfer to a wife; she doesn't get the thrill.

So, what about you is there to be extraordinary for her?
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Beliefs (Abortion and/or Gun Rights)
Posted: 11/15/2011 9:52:08 AM
@CrazyCanuck

That's a crock, using the Hell's Angels. You'd be screwed too if they came to your house mad at you. What would YOU do, hit them with a spatula?

Do you even know HOW the Hell's Angels got started?

They were Viet Nam vets with PTSD who had come back after witnessing and participating in violence that broke their own rules of masculinity and humanity, having to shoot children strapped with dynamite, seeing their buddies eviscerated. They wanted freedom, speed, pot and promiscuous sex and you know what? Those are all things that actually relieve PTSD to a considerable short-term degree.

They came back as outlaws because the government had sent them to be killers in a place where there were no rules of decency. They had all the decency shocked out of them.

The current crop of Hell's Angels are probably more of a bunch of drug-dealing gang members, but part of their modus operandi is a lot of rules and ritual masculine development, and they came directly out of the generation of abandoned warriors who couldn't fit in. Warriors always have rules.

Frankly, if a Hell's Angel came to my house, it would probably be to return my crazy dog. They are men and yes they are living a tribal life, but they have rules. They wouldn't continue to exist within the larger community otherwise, if they couldn't ride in the open and stop at a gas station and be civil.

Get ready for a brand-new crop of Hell's Angels coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as the mercenaries and contractors who don't wear ribbons and don't get any publicity. They'll be bringing a lot of guns, PTSD and bitterness with them. The motorcycle dealers are going to make a fortune. The pot dealers are going to be swimming in cash. And there will be a LOTTA babies.

Get ready to start seeing men in wheelchairs, crutches and prosthetic limbs again, and burned faces. They are coming home.

I've stood in a room with a bunch of current and former gang members by myself and had a merry old time on quite a regular basis. I have LOTS of friends who have a hard time fitting into society LOL.

So I'm quite sure I could negotiate with a Hell's . I've never done anything to make them mad at me.

Gang members of any kind are not a reason for private citizens to give up their weaponry! How ridiculous!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Beliefs (Abortion and/or Gun Rights)
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:35:39 PM
You really don't know me, Albino.

I have had proper and extensive training with that weapon.

I am not a "Rambo" Special Forces gone bad figure, clearly for more than one reason. One, I am not a man and there are no females in SF.

However, I have friends, and they trained me well.

Two, I do not fit that description because I am not going out of my way to lay siege to any turf that isn't MINE.

Three, I have already experienced the situation a COUPLE of times.

You absolutely do NOT know me. So, if you'd like to test out your theory, come on over and break into my house.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Beliefs (Abortion and/or Gun Rights)
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:29:03 PM
Being in Texas, I rather doubt I will run into any man who believes in disarming the free citizens of their ability to protect themselves.

I have a weapon and am highly skilled with it. No one is going to take it away from me as an intruder nor as a lawmaker nor as a partner.

It is not murder to defend your own house and family from an intruder. To allow your family to be hurt, killed, raped and destroyed without defending them, is TOTAL COWARDICE. No, I am not going to take the time to figure out if they just want my TV or want to rape me and kill my child, or take my child and do unspeakable things to her. No, I am not going to warn them or give them a choice to run. They had a choice not to break into and enter my home and they made the wrong choice. Nope, center mass, six times, bye bye.

I am not going to have an abortion, and even after I'm through having children, there will be children born into our family who some say should have been denied life. I don't want to have a partner who would say of my nieces or nephews that they should have been aborted. That said, women have immense choices in this century. No one can force a woman to have a child. She makes the choice.

I also have friends who have had abortions. Some were relieved, others still suffer, but they are still my friends. My relationship with them is not based on whether they made the choices that I would make.

It is different with a partner because he could still be in the position of asking or expecting me to make such a choice. That would kill my connection with him.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:29:30 PM
OK Viper!!! LOL!!!

You invoked Romeo and Juliet, my goodness.

Transition to the S word.......During or After Sex!

That is quite a familiar word to use with a woman you barely know and haven't so much as shared a kiss with. Yes I like to leave my prepositions hanging, they can take it.

I don't mind much else in an email...they don't have our real names so they are picking an endearment of sorts.

But that's culturally specific to my region...everyone around here says Honey, Sweetheart, Babydoll, and various others, and it could be a grandma speaking to a cashier at Target, or me speaking to a child, or it could be a truckdriver speaking to me at the gas station because he sees that my tire is low. It isn't disrespectful in this region, because we like to soften our language with strangers.

Just don't start calling anybody CutiePie Babycakes. That's seriously overdoing it.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Single woman, no kids, dating a single dad with primary custody...
Posted: 11/14/2011 5:07:03 PM
OP

Any partner who cares for you will care about your concerns and wishes.

Could be a selfish trait you're seeing now will inflate later on.

If you don't expect your wishes to be respected, they won't be.

Five months is too early to move in with someone. With or without kids.

Try for a year.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
honest feedback about sex within the first couple dates
Posted: 11/14/2011 1:25:47 PM
Kitten

Sex is only "giving in" if the other person is pressuring you and you go AGAINST your feelings, not WITH them. Then you are "giving in" to the other person's pressure tactics.

Sex for women while dating has changed since our 20's, where before nobody expected or demanded that we would have sex automatically, now it is an expectation out there. But expectations don't determine your comfort zone!

If you feel you don't know the person at all and don't feel comfortable with them, why rush? Just communicate and explain that you need time and that you ARE attracted to them.

You will need to have a match in a man anyway...someone who views sex similarly to you. Anyone who disappears because you're not ready to have sex is just someone who has a different view.

A guy who thinks WE are "CAVING IN" to physical pleasure and HE is NOT...is an idiot and you don't want to date an idiot.

How about nobody is "CAVING IN," we are making choices about our natural needs?

It's up to you. Just listen to yourself about it. You don't owe anybody sex.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Single mom of 14 month old - about to go crazy!
Posted: 11/14/2011 1:10:11 PM
dad2stay

Getting the child outside for exercise is not meant to happen after being instigated by bad behavior.

It is to be a regular, scheduled part of his day, morning and afternoon, and unrelated to his behavior.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 60 (view)
 
My latest experience on POF...
Posted: 11/14/2011 11:39:43 AM
OP

That is a harsh lesson to take, for sure.

For the future....most people need two solid years after a major relationship, but they can't go that long without sex. So...you have to do the asking, because they are hurtling around and hurting others til they stabilize.

That was a trainwreck. Doesn't make you a bad person. You were too sympathetic to his needs, instead of considering your needs separately, as in:

Do you want to be with someone who is still legally married? No.
Do you want to be with someone whose life is still in uproar? No.
Do you want to be with someone who lies to you about their life? No.
Do you want to be with someone who gets you involved in activities that hurt not only others but your sense of yourself as a good person? No.

Bet you didn't stop and ask yourself those selfish, ruthless questions. Kind people tend to jump to the compassionate answer and take action in that direction without questioning the negative, or focusing on self.

Make yourself a short little questionnaire of selfish, ruthless questions and make yourself face them each and every time you date. It will be meaningless if you don't act on it though, which for most of us compassionate people, is a risk. We tend to slide on enforcement of our own values.

Be kind to others, but also be kind to yourself, and ruthlessly consider what someone else brings to your life in terms of YOUR needs, YOUR comfort zone, YOUR values.

It does feel ruthless, but the quiet in your life is irreplaceable. Maintaining your integrity means maintaining your standards.

Better luck next time!
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Single mom of 14 month old - about to go crazy!
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:47:59 AM
Hi single mom.

Stop hugging and kissing him after he does all this...you are encouraging it.

Take him outside, take him to the park, get the kid out where he can release his considerable energy.

Try removing all toys and give him just one. Teach him to trade one toy for another.

This keeps toys from becoming boring. Kids are all about the next new thing.

Rotating toys for days of the week also works.

Keep the TV off. Babies need your FACE for attention, as well as the fact that all that noise and stimulation from the TV will amp him up.

Play music, the instrumental kind you probably don't like. Try piano music.

Put the kid on a schedule if he is not on one. Kids don't understand time and yet they need a predictable rhythm to their day.

Same bedtime every day, 7 days a week. Same naptime, same meal times, snack time.

The Baby Whisperer points out the EASY strategy...Eat, Activity, Sleep.

And for yourself....try hard not to stay up late after he goes to bed. It is totally understandable and we've all done it, desperate for time to ourselves....but it's like emptying the bank account then writing a check. You lose sleep, next day you're tired and irritable and have less patience and then the baby seems like even more work.

Get your 8 hours and plus try to take a nap.

Good luck Momma!!!
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Ex is pregnant...oh boy.
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:39:45 AM
Good luck OP.

1. Supporting your baby always means supporting the mom emotionally. Be kind.

2. Be helpful. Volunteer what you can to the mom...now just now or after the baby...for the next twenty years.

3. Stay positive. Surround yourself with positive people and nip it in the bud with friends or family who start being negative about the child's mother...you seem to be good at that. Maintain respect for the mother and don't allow disrespect toward her. Respect is strengthening...disrespect is draining.

4. Get the book called "What to expect when you're expecting." It will explain a LOT about what the mom is going through.

5. Love your child. They are too little to make sacrifices for you until they are old enough to share their Halloween candy LOL. Therefore...you will need to make whatever sacrifices are necessary. Remember it was you who got them into this world as parents. Never blame them for discomforts on your part.

6. Take pride in being the best father you can be. It is a mighty worthy goal and time and energy spent on it are never wasted.

7. Take a deep breath. There is a reason they arrive with simple needs. You will learn as you go, and do well if you pay attention to the child's changing needs.

8. Later on, two more great books...Scream Free Parenting and The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (or Wounded Knee).
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Guys who say Call me in their first message
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:13:34 AM
Hmmm, guys, I have to say I wanted to be open-minded and spontaneous about this...but...

Getting the phone number in the first email has proven to be a red flag.

Not because talking should be endlessly delayed, NOT.

But because it signals a certain lack of ability to do the dance, give and take, negotiating, and that can show up in other areas in negative ways.

It's too much too soon, for me, and the experience will not be repeated.

I'd rather have a couple emails, then I'm Ok with the phone, once or twice, then it's time to meet.

I don't like to talk on the phone endlessly about all our beliefs and traits and likes and dislikes....before we even meet! It creates a false expectation that we are already "familiar."

We are NOT familiar. It's a first date.

Let's just let it be what it is, a first date with lots unknown and a bit of nervousness for both.

The endless emails and calls beforehand are just delaying the inevitable and trying to wallpaper it differently, as in we are meeting a "friend" instead of a stranger on a date.

I think there's confidence to be seen in just getting out there in person. We all know we have to go on a mysterious number of bad, uncomfortable, incompatible, ordinary, boring or just blah dates until we run into something special.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 80 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/10/2011 10:49:41 PM
Thanks Ice. I still want to know why it's called Peameal bacon. What does that mean?

So, Capitano, you're saying Vancouver is where it's at.

Ok. I am all for it. Let's escape the drought of the entire southern US and go to Vancouver.

Single moms, let's all meet in one spot, this way we can establish an American colony and get the place figured out.

After that, we will branch out and hunt down our Canadians.
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 80 (view)
 
being a single father and finding someone is so hard.why?
Posted: 11/9/2011 5:58:41 PM
Because you are not looking for ordinary qualities. That's why it's hard.

You are no longer strictly thinking about playtime sex.

If you were, you could find that anytime. It's a great big ol' promiscuous world out there. Just show up without your child.

Finding someone with a big heart and the flexibility to stop and tie your child's shoes and the loving fondness to pitch in and help them color in their Transformers coloring book is a big job because the person who will do it is SPECIAL.

Finding someone with the same heart and flexibility to help your teenager navigate the world of pimples and heartbreak is a big job for the same reason: such a person is SPECIAL.

So when you do FIND them, try to remember they are the truly rare diamond, not like those stupid rocks lying around everywhere in Africa.

You could also start raising your child to respect other adults and NOT to move over into the space where a partner should be, like being bossy and taking over as your best friend.

It's more than once I've sent mine to their room for interrupting grownups in my house. KIDS are KIDS, and they are NOT our romantic partners in life. My kid is NOT allowed to act like a little adult when it's just us, nor when there is company. My kid is required to obey all adults in whose charge I leave them....and the kid gets warned. Teachers, aunts, grandmother, sitter, girlfriends...all-inclusive.

I've seen single parents who just have noooooooooo boundaries for the kids....nooooooooooo separation........noooooooooo space for a partner in their life.

When the only thing you DON"T do with your kid is have sex, there is a lot going wrong, wrong WRONG.

So you need to demonstrate healthy parenting, read a lot of books about it and chuck the ones that don't fit but find one that works and KEEP it...then you could let a serious partner later on read it and discuss....

Seriously sit down and spend time thinking about who you are as a MAN and what you are like as a PARTNER and put that in your profile. Think about how you like to live and get along. Advertise that.

As much as we love our kids, they are just a disclaimer in our profiles. As in, we have them, and we're letting it be known so others can make their independent decisions about taking a chance on us.

Plus, plenty of single parents out there have done dating so badly, so poorly, and so stupidly, that they built a negative reputation in front of the rest of us.

So the rest of us have to de-mystify and dig the truth out of the ditch and prove that it's not horrible to date us. You pretty much need to make the case in your profile that you can have fun, you are available, you can and you will make time for a special person, and that you've still got poprocks in your blood and you're not dead yet!

Good luck!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/9/2011 4:58:00 PM
OK...I HAVE to ask...

WHAT is peameal bacon?
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/9/2011 7:40:40 AM
ALL RIGHT, that's it, I am moving to Canada. I need a man, a bearskin rug and a fireplace to live in that kind of snow, though, so someone is going to have to step up to the plate!

Back OT!

OP, I hear you. We all want the un-fractured dream.

Unfortunately, all too often is appears that in order to keep a marriage together, one person has to fracture themselves into little sharp bits to fit in the space the other allows.

You might want to consider that there are many people much happier without their ex. And how feeling guilty doesn't really get you anywhwere, it is just a good reason for paralysis sometimes.

Let someone love you is my motto. Don't put conditions on a man with YOUR fears of what he can handle. Look him right in the eye with a big grin and tell him you're a double handful and let him figure out if he can handle it! LOL!

Personally, I will totally play Brady Bunch with the right man. I love kids! Didn't get to have as many as I wanted. I could have a house full of noise and toys and laughter and the smell of cinnamon apple pie and all the good stuff.

I would defy my stepkids to hate me, bwa ha ha, I would make them work at it til they dropped and gave in.

All right! Any takers? I'm moving to Canada!!!!!!!!!!!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 63 (view)
 
WOOT! Single dad that got the boy!
Posted: 11/8/2011 8:32:24 PM
OP Dad...

You have been through a very difficult situation and raising a baby is hands-down a very difficult task. It might be good for you to get out of the house even for a walk once a day.

Judging only by the sound of symptoms you have described...the mom is in for a long and difficult recovery. It is sad when an illness is so devastating that it overshadows the deepest and strongest natural programming, taking care of one's child. It has to be seen to be really understood; most people are judging this as though a normal mom would go through this. They don't.

All of the behaviors you've described...fit with major depression and PPD...the lying, avoidance of responsibility, seeking sexual contact in highly inappropriate ways, unable to care for a child,...these are serious symptoms. It is unlikely that these are independent choices separate from the illness. It is even possible that moms who suffer so much are temporarily and chemically unable to bond normally with their infant...have seen it in mothers who went through life-or-death illness during or right after birth and pregnancy. Just blanks them out, and then the behavior is more like an interested stranger.

You will likely have to be the primary parent for quite some time. Hence, you will have to learn to make life manageable and take good care of yourself. A primary parent is someone who runs a marathon daily for more than a year.

See if the mom would agree to just videos recorded during baby's awake time...and infants do not need to be exposed to television before the age of three. Electronic gadgets are not good for little people who still have an open fontanel.

Good luck.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/8/2011 7:53:13 PM
American moms get, variously,

Fired! unjustly while pregnant for maternity leave

Offered four weeks UNPAID maternity leave

Six weeks paid maternity leave benefit advertised, then when pregnant they get....drumroll...You guessed it! Fired! for maternity leave.

Some very lucky mothers get four to six weeks maternity leave paid, and then they must separate from their baby and go back to work full-time, cold turkey, and start paying a lot for childcare.

I have a good friend who took both her babies to daycare at two months of age each, after her working pregnant to the very last day...had to keep her job because her HUSBAND, yes, she had one, had a job that did not make enough money to support the family.

That is IT for American mothers. Real maternity leave from working, long enough to properly nourish, bond and love a child into security, involves 2 years of staying home with said child, while the mother's partner supports them financially.

So, in America, Real Maternity Leave means having a husband.

And otherwise...they just suffer.

Canadian women are VERY lucky.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/8/2011 9:38:47 AM
Arlo, seriously, there are no oxen on this thread.

QueenBee, that was funny honey.

Back on topic:
OK, YES, we who are now Unattached Moms who Previously Started Out as Married Mothers, YES, we have problems with dating.

The problems we have with dating are largely the same as everyone else....Everyone who is single has been hurt, and is now gun-shy, suspicious, and hyper-reactive to the natural process of creating new social connections.

We may create complicated, multi-level plans to have fun and meet someone new...and then be disappointed, just like everyone else.

Along the way, being as gun-shy and disappointed as everyone else, we must maintain a joyful and positive attitude as mothers in order to feed our children's souls, a truly dogged work ethic to maintain our status as breadwinners as well as keeping a decent home free of dangerous crayons to injure one's instep, and frankly, we must have the patience of Job to endure the cynical and sulky ravings of those who would tear us down because we are building the citizens of tomorrow alone. And we must build them anyway. And keep smiling.

There is such a thing as being a dignified mother who raises her child mostly alone and pays the bills and still enjoys the company of gentlemen.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/7/2011 2:40:04 PM
Why are three men arguing in a single mother thread about whether we struggle or not?

Get back on topic!

And if you are not a single mother, then really, can you witness FOR us whether we struggle or not?

Sure, you can observe.

But can you give the OP anything useful about getting back in her dating groove?

THAT is the topic.

OP - you might find it useful to make a list of traits regarding unsuccessful partners in the past, and separate out what you liked from what clearly was connected to either bad or just undesirable behavior. You need a clear picture of how you really live your life and what fits comfortably with you. Figure out what should really make you hit the EJECT button before you ever get more than a couple dates into it.

And then be strong!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/5/2011 4:09:43 PM
OOOOOOOOOO my I am laughing out loud.

m church....really, you think all of us hot women who are mothers are going to be locked up at home 24/7 til those kids graduate high school? Seriously, there would be a riot in this country.

dad2stay...thanks buddy, you are a prince!

Iceman - thanks. I always love your posts. You are the definition of NO NONSENSE.

And, why am I required by some poster to elaborate on financial responsibility of mothers? That isn't technically on topic though it can follow from some aspects of dating.

For one thing, Woman Time and pleasing ourselves with a pedicure can be done at home by ourselves.

For another, some of us are professionals and we are not living in poverty because we work hard for our $$$ and it hits the bank regularly!

This thread is about dating as a woman who has child(ren) and whether we struggle or not, and the OP is looking for some support.

OP - Baby YOU CAN DO IT with a baby!!!! YES YOU CAN!!!! Get your booty into school and a job and surround yourself with POSITIVE WOMEN FRIENDS.

This dating life could be heaven if Mommas stuck together. I would totally keep my girlfriend's children for her so she could go out on a date, and take turns. Currently I only accept my family members as babysitters for my child, but that is because our fantastic babysitter took herself off to college. We will find another one who meets the standard.

Y'all need to form support circles. It DOES take a village. Mommas helping Mommas, we can all make it together.

AND P-TOOEY on anyone who thinks because we have children that we should never date until they're old enough to vote!!!!!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Do all single moms have problems with dating?
Posted: 11/4/2011 9:33:25 PM
Yes, but some of us call those Challenges.

Plus, we are not this poor pathetic category called single moms.

We are Mothers. Period. Ever notice you were the only one pushing that baby out? (and for the C-sections, you were the ONLY one who got the scar and had to recuperate that). So. Motherhood starts with some help but we ALL do the work of mothers alone. So, pu-tooey on this label.

We are Women. Period. Now that we are Women who Have Children, we have this respectful title of Mothers. However, we are still women, just with an added title to cover our special role.

There is such a thing as Mommy time....when you give your time as a mommy.

And there is such a thing as Woman Time. Including all sorts of delights...where you spend time taking care of yourself....pedicures, shopping, exercise, picking out a new perfume just because you like it, watching movies by yourself just because YOU wanted to, going all out for yourself and living life. Even if it's just an hour a day. You need woman time.

Then there is Lover Time. Where hopefully someone is spending time on you. ;) mmm.

If you practice scheduling your life with all the right kinds of Time, you will not view either yourself or your children as a problem...you will be enjoying your life!

I think what you are asking is, do most of us Women who are properly respected as Mothers, have some challenges in figuring out our different kinds of Time and how to manage it?

Yup. ;) But it's a learning process, and also....about letting go a little bit of the fear-clutch hold we have on our children, just enough to let reasonable people take care of them a few hours....about insisting on taking good care of ourselves....and about enjoying attention from a partner.

Then there is the filter for weeding out pedophiles from dating us. THAT is an important challenge, and takes some skill. Better just to wear them out with the rule, no meeting the children for a year or until seriously exclusive and committed.

Those are the challenges....Women who are Mothers can handle challenges!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 156 (view)
 
Do you prefer someone complicated, or someone simple?
Posted: 11/3/2011 10:35:35 AM
I love a man who thinks he is simple lol.

Someone who intentionally or through confusion creates complications...NO.

Someone who may be complex enough to simplify....YES.
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 71 (view)
 
Can Physical Attraction Grow?
Posted: 11/3/2011 8:59:40 AM
Yes, goodguy, it can. For some of us.

For me, attraction to the static picture, online, is quite different, than attraction to that living person in real life....pictures just capture something that people are not, which is STILL. An attractive guy in motion....has something in his eyes, warmth in his expression, there is so much more IRL to sense.

That must be why pics are so crucial here and yet so misleading.

It's not about technical pretty-ness of a guy. But maybe that explanation of not being physically attracted to a guy, that you mentioned, really just means his sort of energy doesn't move her. His energy is about a lot more than his looks.

There's my two cents!
 StarLedbyLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 74 (view)
 
What is the ideal height difference between a man and a woman?
Posted: 10/14/2011 10:01:36 AM
Luke

that's funny. 8'11?

No, from our end of the pool as short women, too-tall guys are not desirable and they ARE impractical. Problem is often they hunt us. I suspect they are trying to breed out gigantism before their children just become too tall for their knees to support.

Yes, I can see your frustrations with all the limiters that are placed. However, that's the reality of choice. You can simmer over it or accept it (or fight dirty, which you have shown some ability to do! LOL)

I do have a height max on my profile, and maybe it could be shorter but the range covers the possible, the preferred, and the majority average so it is the most efficient.

It truly is about the person IN PERSON, as intellectual sparring and flirting, though lots of fun, are not enough. The heart vibe matters, hence multiple hug fittings.

People do personality fittings too, and grow emotionally to fit their partners in some issues and preferences.

NLA, you can regard me and all my sisters as savage animals if you like for following our preferences and desires. It's the wisdom of our preferences that ensures survival of the species at a very important level of reality.

ROWRRR!!!! LOL
 starledbylight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 84 (view)
 
I don't want a relationship between equals. There, I said it.
Posted: 10/13/2011 7:06:26 AM
OK, here it comes again.

Women who want to argue with women over how to be women in the "right" way.

Women who label others "anti-feminist" if they want something different in a relationship than the labellers would like.

Thought feminism was about choice, myself, and all of us having choice.

I'm just wondering who I'm supposed to appreciate, or submit to, or be humble with for all my rights as an American citizen who is a woman. (hmmm, there are lots of people who started this historical movement into the country we have today, and none of them were feminists, because they didn't exist in those centuries. Well, I think Queen Isabella could be thanked for bankrolling Columbus! but then, darn, she was born into her status too.)

I doubt anyone in this thread or on POF in general did anything to earn their legal rights in America except be born into them. I don't think Gloria Steinem or Betty Friedan is on this thread. Nor are there any Congresswomen here who can take credit.

I don't think any of you labellers can spot a real live feminist when you're chatting with one, if she happens to disagree with you, or want something different than you do in a relationship with a man.

I really didn't earn any right to serve in the military; it was an opportunity, and I went and earned the opportunity to serve.

I did not notice any labellers sweating beside me in boot camp!

I think I would have no trouble being accepted as a feminist if I simply announced that I liked to be whipped and tied up with chains, (which I don't) because that would simply be seen as a sexual fetish to explore social roles.

But by golly, I don't submit to these women and change my thinking to suit theirs, and I get labelled as an "anti-feminist."

Irishgirl on this thread simply stated her preferences for living with a man, and she was called "stupid" by another woman.

"Stupid" for wanting what she wants, within her cultural milieu, and yet everywhere on this website, POFfers will defend anyone's right to want what they want, anyone's right to have preferences, and they will sharply correct anyone calling someone's preferences "stupid."

Yet somehow, if you call yourself a feminist, you have some kind of carte blanche to call other women names and degrade them for their preferences.

If you are another woman and you have preferences in your relationship with a man that differ from mine, I don't even care. It's your life. You are free to live it.

I would and I have defended your right to live free.

I guess that doesn't make me a feminist though, to believe in freedom.
 
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