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 Author Thread: Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 236 (view)
 
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:20:10 PM
I would like to also say.
that a person needs to be aware of surroundings,
wherever they are.
and use good judgment .
Wal Mart. can be as dangerous
as a rest or night club.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 235 (view)
 
Proper ladies don`t go out alone!
Posted: 2/15/2009 4:13:36 PM
Unless a woman has several friends.
she either goes out alone.
or sits home alone.
you can actually enjoy things
without someone with you.
from a tv show.
to going out to a nice rest,
or night club with great live music,
personally people that label anyone.
should take a hard long look at their self.
before throwing stones.
a woman can't sit home waiting for Prince Charming
to knock at the door,
Cinderella went to the Ball alone..
and ended the evening.
with a Prince enchanted.
People..women or men..sometime it's a double standard,and women are considered bar flys,
but people that go to bars, are often and mostly nice people ,possibly in a lonely moment,
or realizing they need fun in their life. and enjoyment,
even when they are alone.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
11-19-08 Hump-Day POF Social @ Willy D's Little Rock River Market District
Posted: 11/13/2008 5:35:56 PM
I had a awesome time in Memphis at Pat O Brians where they had dueling pianos.
sounds like great fun!
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Golfers?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:10:55 PM
to shay74 on 7/5/2008 9:00:41 AM
Subject: Golfers?
Message: Yup, count me in. It's a game anyone can play no matter what their physical activity level. Fresh air, exercise and beer. What's not to like?

Ok, there is one thing I actually hate about golf and that is . . . other golfers. You know those douchebags who are always rushing the people in front of them. Yes, I'm sorry that I suck. I'm sorry I can't hit a ball in a straight line but seriously, do you have to be somewhere? Are you in that much of a hurry to get home to your nagging spouse and snot-nosed, screaming kids?

.............................................................................................................................
Men are just as capable wiping a child's nose,
and correcting the child or seeing to the child's needs,
as the woman is,
chances are the wife would be greatful,stop nagging.
and put on some romantic music.
something satin.
and him to work to improve is swing.lol
morning comes..he can brag
about his
hole in one

or perhaps he has the wrong wife.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Golfers?
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:34:48 PM
I hate to sound blond,
but can any golfers offer some basic info,

Like which side of the club to use?
Really..
maybe the rules of the game
the object of the game 'past hitting the ball/lol
I may become interested,
looking for something new and fun to learn.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Child support by step-parents
Posted: 5/5/2008 7:07:15 PM
.I think that forcing the issue of child support on step parents will make people a little bit afraid of making a commitment with someone with children.
If a person pays child support,they should be allowed to have parental rights .
I have been a single mother and until recently have not looked at the other side of the fence on child support,
perhaps both parents should have finances reviewed yearly,
and show where the support goes in form of possible receipts,etc,
so that the non custodial parent will have a better understanding
of the cost and expense of a child.
It is very hard for some parents who may love their child,
but have very little money and very few legal rights as a parent,
we expect fathers and parents to pay child support,
but yet so many custodial parents don't want the non custodial
parent to have any parental rights,
Often lessons learned by the children is
money=love.
We have young adults struggle to suvive
gas,food,a place to live,car payment,insurance,
often alone,plus child support,
often on a low income.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
teens moving out?
Posted: 4/23/2008 1:11:42 PM
oops !typo queen;
Don't worry they will move back home,,bringing the babies..
Wanna know your teen and what your teen is doing?.
Listen
Listen to their music
Listen to their thoughts
Ask them what the lyrics mean to them on songs they like.
Talk with their friends.
Be open minded and realize they may not be the same person
that you believe them to be.
Don't expect them to be you.
Don't expect them to live your dreams.
And chances are,
they will have to make a few mistakes
before and if they decide,
to take your advice.

The best advice you can give your teen is to make
them aware that everything has a consquence,
not studying =failure.
not asking for help in school when they need it=failure
no education=job at McDonalds,
Not using protection+for men and boys child support
for girls possible single mother
also STD's.
Not paying child support=jail
Break the law=jail
Getting tickets=higher insurance
Etc.
I believe that most of a teen's mistakes are caused from not being aware of
the consquences.
Moving out=rent,unlities,gas for transportation,food,
give them a estimate of how much they will need to make a month to live
on their own.
Kids are not made aware of adult situations until they get thrown in or jump in,
and than they are often overwhelmed.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
teens moving out?
Posted: 4/23/2008 1:03:44 PM
Don't worry they will move back home,,bring the babies..
Wanna know teen and what your teen is doing?.
Listen
Listen to their music
Listen to that thoughts
Ask them what the lyrics mean to them on songs they like.
Talk with their friends.
Be open minded and realize they may not be the same person
that you believe them to be.
Don't expect them to be you.
Don't expect them to live your dreams.
And chances are,
they will have to make a few mistakes
before and if they decide,
to take your advice.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 190 (view)
 
Attraction in your 50's
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:26:31 PM
to morefuntobewith;
I aways add at least a few years to whatever age the woman claims to be on her profile
cause most woman shave a few years off...
I'm 51 so normaly keep my searches to between 45-53
in reply
Oh please....
my age on my profile...
I'm too honest..
but..maybe women should
Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Ladies. What's more important? Profile Picture or Written Contents of Profile?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:55:41 PM
Pictures give a person a idea of who you are,not just in the obvious,as in attractive,
but things such as friendly eyes,and a confident smile.
They say a photograph is worth a thousand words,
the words are important too,
giving your thoughts and views.
Don't be shy about a picture,
it's not a contest.
it's just another way of giving
a person a insight to
you as a person,
and a potential friend...
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 285 (view)
 
Over 45 Men, How should we dress? OK Ladies fire away!
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:26:29 AM
.
Darn..typos on the other post.
actually..first impression of me online
will be that woman can't type or can't spell..lol.
and that is really embarrassing considering
there is spell check.
back to men.
Love a man that has good cologne..
The first senses are the eyes
and the sense of smell,
than after that,
you might lose your senses,
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 284 (view)
 
Over 45 Men, How should we dress? OK Ladies fire away!
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:18:47 AM
Casual-jeans or dockers is great..showers a must ,haha
and for the hope it's not him;;;needs a shower guy!!!
Please guys take a shower before a date..haha
Spandex is not a great impression..
unless on a football player..
and does anyone acually have a loud plaid jacket ??..
Leave the jacket at goodwill..
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
HD-DVD officially dead. Toshiba gives up.
Posted: 2/18/2008 4:55:33 PM
Thanks ,this forum has very helpful info!
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
All but over for HD-DVD?
Posted: 2/17/2008 3:40:18 PM
Will we have to get new upgraded computers that support them?
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 478 (view)
 
He Says Lose 30 lbs and He Will Give you an Engagement Ring.....Would Ya????
Posted: 2/10/2008 4:58:06 PM
If a guy proposed to me that way,
it needs to be a very big diamond,
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 68 (view)
 
what is more important...the person picture, or taking a chance to get to know them 1st
Posted: 2/9/2008 1:54:35 PM
Photographs;

Pictures give a person a idea of who you are,not just in the obvious,as in attractive,
but things such as friendly eyes,and a confident smile.
They say a photograph is worth a thousand words,
the words are important too,
giving your thoughts and views.
Don't be shy about a picture,
it's not a contest.
it's just another way of giving
a person a insight to
you as a person,
and a potential friend...
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 118 (view)
 
Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 2/9/2008 1:46:39 PM
I think some older people feel they have missed out on something in life by having stayed in a long term relationship.
and after perhaps a bad relationship,
freedom seems very sweet.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 117 (view)
 
Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 2/9/2008 1:12:13 PM
People that are a little older look for a compatibility,common interests.common lifestyle,econicomical equality,someone that will blend into and be accepted by their kids.plus they want a fishing,hunting partner,chemistry.someone to share fianciancail responsibly.where as when we were young. most of us,jumped into the water,without seeing how deep it was. Learning from youth ,experience is a good teacher.
Most older people want it all.
Than there are the older men who want young women.perhaps looking for their youth.
and older women being pursued only buy younger men'aawwww'
But this scenario doesn't always turn into a healthy lasting long term relationship,
perhaps it's just a easy way of running from a commitment,once bit,twice shy.
Than there are the older group of people that have spent their youth and their life,sacrificing for their family,until they are feeling they need excitement to live,
existence is not truly living .
Personally I just haven't found the right person.
with the chemistry ,that wanted a long term relationship.
I found I'm ok alone.but I live doors open for possiblity.
Until than it's nice to meet new friends,
You never know where any relationship will go.
So I keep fishing..
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
The magic age of 50?
Posted: 1/19/2008 8:23:12 PM
This is funny coming from a guy,
it's usually guys wanting younger women.
when the guy is older..
than young guys showing interest helps our deflated ego,
for what most older men have passed by..
Men over 50 are usually very nice to be with.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Father Time
Posted: 1/9/2008 9:47:59 AM
I heard Father time whisper.
Do you ever keep your resolutions,
Do you ever find any solutions,
There is a New Year born,
as the old one slips away
What will you do with every moment,
that I let you call a day?

Time is wasting,
beyond measure,
Have you found your treasure?
In life's simple pleasure.
Do you close your eyes,
and let life pass you by?
Do you ever look at the sunrise,
Through God' eyes,?
With every year,
is there a tear of regret?
In the sunset,
What will you leave behind?
For others to find?
The new year is born.
What have you learned?
The bridges burned.
The world still turns.
The universe intertwined,

Are there dreams you are still chasing?
Is time wasting?
Are you living only sweet illusions.
Do you ever keep your resolutions?
You cry all the bittersweet tears,
Of wasted years ,
I gave you the moments,
of a lifetime.
What have you done?
Looking back to all the years,
Can you find peace of mind?
I see your tears,
for the love you left behind,
You can't stop the clock,
You can't unwind,


I heard Father time whisper.
Do you ever keep your resolutions,
Do you ever find any solutions,
There is a New Year born,
as the old one slips away
What will you do with every moment,
that I let you call a day?
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
New Years Resolutions You Can Keep
Posted: 12/26/2007 10:45:14 PM
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.

7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Not have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

22. Not eat cloned meat.

23. Create loose ends.

24. Get more toys.

25. Get further in debt.

26. Not believe politicians.

27. Break at least one traffic law.

28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

31. Stay off the MIR space station.

32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.

33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

35. Associate with even worse business clients.

36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

37. Wait around for opportunity.

38. Focus on the faults of others.

39. Mope about my faults.

40. Never make New Year's resolutions again
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
My Christmas Poetry
Posted: 12/23/2007 9:29:20 AM
Jesus the Nazarene

The child of Joseph and Mary,
born a Nazarene,
Held in his mother's arms,
Held by His Father's dreams,
He would calm the storms,
He would reign king of kings,
In a manger born.
In a stable scene.
The child of Joseph and Mary,
born a Nazarene.
Like the star that was shining that night,
He would rise to be the world's light,
Most precious in His father's sight,
a lamb for the world
in a stable scene,
Was the child of Mary and Joseph,
born a Nazarene.
He would someday bare a cross,
for a world that is lost
and He would someday rise
above,
Open your eyes to the gift of love,
born in a stable scene.
He ld in His mother's arms,
held by His father's dreams,
Jesus the Nazarene




Message from Santa

If it were in my powers,
I would bring peace and love,
To this world of ours,
But I don't have magic enough,
I can cross the sky,
and pass by the stars,
But I can't seem to stop,
Any of hatred's wars,
I see children on the street,
With no hope left,
in the eyes.
So many homeless people
with no where to sleep.
And my heart cries.
I can't give the things they need,
Oh But God I would try.
I'm only a fantasy,
that once took wings to fly,
Some are deceived,
by the gifts that money can buy,
But those who truly believe,
see the gift with the heart,
not with the eye,
I sometime stop and go to my knees,
and pause,
and I too always pray,
That we will find a end to wars,
and live in peace one day.
For all those who believe in me,
I will continue my cause,
Across the stars,
over the wars,
On Christmas Eve,
For the hearts that still believe,
In Santa Claus.





On a cowboy’s Christmas Tree


On a cowboy's Christmas Tree

On a lonely trail he rides,
though the soft white snow,,
God sees him all alone at night,
in a place where only a cowboy will go.

God sends a light,
on the Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a cowboy's Christmas tree.

The winter seems so hard and cold,
until he feels the fire of the flame,
He prays to the good Lord,
As he hears the winter wind whisper his name,
He knows he has the gift of seeing a gloriuos sight,

God sends a light,
on Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a cowboy's Christmas tree.

He hears the soulful bird sing,
and watches him spread his wings,
As if he lived in dreams,
The soulful bird takes his flight,
Toward heaven it seems,

God sends his light.
on a Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a cowboy's Christmas tree.

He feels he's at the perfect place on earth,
to celebrate the Christchild's birth,
There is no where else He'd rather search,
He has found his church,

God sends his light.
on a Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a cowboy's Christmas tree.









The Christmas Spirit


The Christmas Spirit

I see it all around.
It can still be found,
I can feel it,
The Christmas spirit,

The spirit of love and giving.
Was sent from God in heaven,
Nothing on this earth can kill it,
There are those who may try to steal it.
But I can still feel it.
The Christmas Spirit.

A message of peace on earth.
A message of God's love.
Teaching us to love each other,
Can you feel it my sister and brother?

It was meant to be shared by every heart.
A bright shining light in the dark.
It was sent to us all.
A warm flame of love,
when winter's snow starts to fall.

The Christchild was sent to reveal it.
Sent to a heart broken hearted world,
Wit God's hand to heal it.
Can you feel it?
The Christmas Spirit,


Angels proclaimed the promise from above,
and Jesus' name has sealed it
God sent the message of His love.
The Christmas spirit.

A light in the dark,
God's will
The broken heart,
Only Love can heal,
The storm that covers the world,
Only God's hand can still.
A child in a manager.
to a cross on the hill.

Can you feel it?
The Christmas spirit.


Judy Arline Puckett




Behold the King/this poem I wrote is to be a Christmas song sung by John Wastnidge


Behold the King

Behold the star,
that gives light in the dark,
Behold the child,
that will change the heart,
Sweet message of love,
On Christmas morning He will bring.
In heaven above,
all angels will sing,
Behold the king.


Look into the night,
At the bright shining light,
the gift was given,
From God in heaven.
The world to redeam,
Behold the king.

The angel proclaim.
Glory in Hs name,
A child king came.
Bring hope in His Father's dream.
Behold the king.

On Christmas morn.
The Christ Child was born.
All angels sing,
Behold the King.







On a soldier’s Christmas Tree

On a soldier's Christmas Tree

On foreign sands he rides,
remembering home's soft white snow,
God sees him all alone at night,
in a place where only a soldietr will go.

God sends a light,
on the Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a soldier's's Christmas tree.

The winter seems so hard and cold,
until he feels the fire of the flame,
He prays to the good Lord,
As he hears the winter wind whisper his name,
He knows he has the gift of seeing a gloriuos sight,

God sends a light,
on Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a soldier's Christmas tree.

He hears the soulful bird sing,
and watches him spread his wings,
As if he lived in dreams,
The soulful bird takes his flight,
Toward heaven it seems,

God sends his light.
on a Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a soldier's Christmas tree.

He feels he's at the perfect place on earth,
to celebrate the Christchild's birth,
There is no where else He'd rather search,
He has found his church,

God sends his light.
on a Christmas night,
a star for him to see,
On a soldier's Christmas tree

Decorated with memories of his love,
Sent from God up above,
Shining bright for the world to see.
God sends a star, for hope and peace
over the war,across the seas
To a soldier's Christmas tree.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Message From Santa Claus/ Christmas poem By Judy Arline Puckett
Posted: 12/3/2007 10:44:05 PM
Message from Santa Claus

If it were in my powers,
I would bring peace and love,
To this world of ours,
But I don't have magic enough,
I can cross the sky,
and pass by the stars,
But I can't seem to stop,
Any of hatred's wars,
I see children on the street,
With no hope left,
in the eyes.
So many homeless people
with no where to sleep.
And my heart cries.
I can't give the things they need,
Oh But God I would try.
I'm only a fantasy,
that once took wings to fly,
Some are deceived,
by the gifts that money can buy,
But those who truly believe,
see the gift with the heart,
not with the eye,
I sometime stop and go to my knees,
and pause,
and I too always pray,
That we will find a end to wars,
and live in peace one day.
For all those who believe in me,
I will continue my cause,
Across the stars,
over the wars,
On Christmas Eve,
For the hearts that still believe,
In Santa Claus.

 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Santa's bad Day
Posted: 11/26/2007 3:49:01 PM
Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997
Posted: 11/26/2007 3:47:27 PM
Case Report:
Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome

Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1997
Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1997, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies).

Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any
relatives.


Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights. He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress. He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses
profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if
not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.


Treatment and Counseling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere depend on effective management of these syndromes.

 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
I thank Santa Claus is a woman
Posted: 11/26/2007 3:44:48 PM
I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they --with
amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead,
gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa
DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like
Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and
get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with
all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Saying The Right Thing
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:21:42 AM
Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Irish Toast
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:16:02 AM
Irish Toast

Pat O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! All the guys in the bar laughed.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Pat said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, Pat!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Pat's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Pat won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
The Inevitable Laws of Work
Posted: 11/9/2007 8:50:09 PM
The Inevitable Laws of Work


If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a****ail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Science Jokes
Posted: 11/9/2007 8:49:01 PM
Science Jokes

Scientists and a Fire
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.
The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.


When You Graduate
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

How do you prove that all odd numbers are prime?
Depends who you ask
Logician
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof:
If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
The proof exists; you're reading it now.
From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
Physicist
3 is a prime 5 is a prime 7 is a prime 9 is not prime, experimental error
Mathematician

3 is a prime 5 is a prime 7 is a prime by induction all the rest are prime

Engineer
3 is a prime 5 is a prime 7 is a prime 9 is a prime

Some Pithy Quotes
The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality. The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations. The mathematician doesn't care.
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.

Diagnosing Car Trouble
Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The three atonished men try to solve the problem:
The physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.

The engineer says: Let's be serious! The matter is that it has burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.

The computer scientist says: What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Cartoon Laws of Physics
Posted: 11/9/2007 8:46:14 PM
Cartoon Laws of Physics


Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.


Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.


Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.



Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.


Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.


Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.

A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.

The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.


Corollary:
A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.


Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.


Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.


Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.


Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE
Posted: 11/7/2007 4:45:50 PM
Don't forget to scroll down to see what it says about you.

January 01 - 09 Ass
January 10 - 24 Slug
January 25 - 31 ****oach
February 01 - 05 Parasite
February 06 - 14 Bullfrog
February 15 - 21 Skunk
February 22 - 28 Snake
March 01 - 12 Ape
March 13 - 15 ****oach
March 16 - 23 Slug
March 24 - 31 Parasite

April 01 - 03 Ass
April 04 - 14 Snake
April 15 - 26 Slug
April 27 - 30 Skunk
May 01 - 13 Slug
May 14 - 21 Bullfrog
May 22 - 31 ****oach
June 01 - 03 Slug
June 04 - 14 Skunk
June 15 - 20 Ass
June 21 - 24 Ape
June 25 - 30 Parasite

July 01 - 09 Slug
July 10 - 15 Ass
July 16 - 26 Bullfrog
July 27 - 31 Parasite
August 01 - 15 Ape
August 16 - 25 Slug
August 26 - 31 Skunk
September 01 - 14 Bullfrog
September 15 - 27 Parasite
September 28 - 30 Ass

October 01 - 15 Ape
October 16 - 27 Skunk
October 28 - 31 Snake
November 01 - 16 ****oach
November 17 - 30 Parasite
December 01 - 16 Ass
December 17 - 25 Ape
December 26 - 31 Bullfrog




Ass: A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.

Slug: Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

Cockroach: Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....

Parasite: An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

Skunk: You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

Bullfrog: You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love....

Snake: You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

Ape: Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Walmart MD
Posted: 11/7/2007 4:41:10 PM
Wal-Mart MD

Since most of us are going to the doctor's office a lot, maybe we should try this...since insurance costs are going out of sight!!!

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"

Stan replies.. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it..

It takes only ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.



Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor's certificate for your employer."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.

He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. In ten seconds the computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always..... "Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Here's a idea;;;Quick fix for social security
Posted: 10/30/2007 7:07:00 AM
SOCIAL SECURITY:

(This is worth reading. It is short and to the point.)

Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years.

Our Senators and Congresswomen do not pay into Social Security and, of course, they do not collect from it.
You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable for persons of their rare elevation in society. They felt they should have a special plan for themselves. So, many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan.

In more recent years, no congressperson has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan.

For all practical purposes their plan works like this:

When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay un til they die.

Except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments..

For example, Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7,800,000.00 (that's Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand Dollars), with their wives drawing $275, 000.00 during the last years of their lives.

This is calculated on an average life span for each of those two Dignitaries.


Younger Dignitaries who retire at an early age, will receive much more during the rest of their lives.

Their cost for this excellent plan is $0.00. NADA..! ZILCH...

This little perk they voted for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Funds;
'OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK '!

>From our own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into, every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer). We can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month after retirement.

Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000 monthly benef its for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator! Bill Bradley's benefits!


Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made.

That change would be to:


Jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us


Then sit back.....


And see how fast they would fix it.

If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve. !
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
OLD IS WHEN :
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:57:20 AM
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember ....

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart!
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Why men don't write advice columns...
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:56:16 AM
Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Susie Fox


Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .
I hope this helps.

Ted
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
funny one liner quotes
Posted: 10/28/2007 11:55:12 AM
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
~ George Bernard Shaw
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
~ Groucho Marx
For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool of himself!
~ Robert L Stevenson
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
~ Lucille Ball

Favorite Funny Famous
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
quality ?quantity?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:44:07 AM
Personally I don't really understand why people that have found love
don't see that quality is better than quantity.
It's much better to have one treasured love,
than a dozen one night stands.
Sometime people don't apperciate what they have.
And when you look for more,
sometime you end up with less.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Would it be cheating if your partner was having webcam sex with other people?
Posted: 10/28/2007 8:39:49 AM
When people start chatting/webcaming,etc,sometime are there are problems at home,
needing some kind of new adventure perhaps not wanting to hurt their partner,
for some married people maye it's dabbing their foot in the water,
thinking of wanting to be single,
but not wanting to dive straight in.
losing the house,the boat,the car,haha
or maybe feeling this is safe desease free ,relationship free sex,
Real Interaction with a porn movie. haha
another thing about web caming is ,
Unless there are two cams here's another thought.
you never know who is on the other side of the im or cam.
perhaps someone you know to see how far you will go,
or maybe a person under age or the police,
or a sexual pedater.
there may be a safety issue too,
so people that cam need to give thought
to the effect it will have on their life and on the life of others,
just like any decision a person makes.
I really think though when someone loves someone,
and wants to hold on.
they should forgive and move on.
and not throw the past up,
or they should let go.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Halloween Humor
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:06:41 PM
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 316 (view)
 
DAILY QUOTES/Halloween Quotes and short verses
Posted: 10/26/2007 7:03:27 PM
On Hallowe'en the thing
you must do
Is pretend that nothing
can frighten you
An' if somethin' scares you
and you want to run
Jus' let on like
it's Hallowe'en fun.
- - - from an Early Nineteenth Century Halloween Postcard



One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
- - - Emily****nson



'Tis the night - the night
Of the grave's delight,
And the warlocks are at their play;
Ye think that without
The wild winds shout,
But no, it is they - it is they.
- - - Arthur Cleveland Coxe



If a man harbors any sort of fear, it makes him landlord to a ghost.
- - - Lloyd Douglas



Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen,
Voices whisper in the trees, "Tonight is Halloween!"
- - - Dexter Kozen



Fear is nature's warning signal to get busy.
- - - Henry C. Link



The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.
- - - H. P. Lovecraft



Be wary then; best safety lies in fear.
- - - Shakespeare "Hamlet"



Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.
- - - Shakespeare "Macbeth"



Hark! Hark to the wind! 'Tis the night, they say,
When all souls come back from the far away-
The dead, forgotten this many a day!
- - - Virna Sheard



From ghoulies and ghosties and long leggety beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us!
- - - Scottish saying



Men say that in this midnight hour,
The disembodièd have power
To wander as it liketh them,
By wizard oak and fairy stream.
- - - William Motherwell



At first****crow the ghosts must go
Back to their quiet graves below.
- - -Theodosia Garrison



'Tis now the very witching time of night, When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world.
- - -William Shakespeare



Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark; and as that natural fear in children is
increased with tales, so is the other.
- - -Sir Francis Bacon, Essays [1625], "Of Death"



To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none.
- - -Sir Francis Bacon, Essays [1625], "Of Seditions and Troubles



Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.
- - -Richard Harris Barham



For as children tremble and fear everything in the blind darkness, so we in the light
sometimes fear what is no more to be feared than the things children in the dark hold in
terror and imagine will come true.
- - -Titus Lucretius Carus [99-55 B.C.], De Rerum Natura, bk. III, l. 87



Where there is no imagination there is no horror.
- - -Sir Arthur Conan Doyle



There is a sacred HORROR about everything grand. It is easy to admire mediocrity and hills;
but whatever is too lofty, a genius as well as a mountain, an assembly as well as a
masterpiece, seen too near, is appalling.
- - -Victor Hugo



The dream reveals the reality which conception lags behind. That is the horror of life—the
terror of art.
- - -One of the best quotes by Franz Kafka



From ghoulish and ghosties and long leggety beasties and things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
- - - Scottish saying



Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's
sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth
boil and bubble.
- - -William Shakespeare (a quote from "Macbeth")



What fearful shapes and shadows beset his path, amidst the dim and ghastly glare of a snowy
night! With what wistful look did he eye every trembling ray of light streaming across the
waste fields from some distant window! How often was he appalled by some shrub covered with
snow, which, like a sheeted specter, beset his very path! How often did he shrink with
curdling awe at the sound of his own steps on the frosty crust beneath his feet; and dread
to look over his shoulder, lest he should behold some uncouth being tramping close behind
him! and how often was he thrown into complete dismay by some rushing blast, howling among
the trees, in the idea that it was the Galloping Hessian on one of his nightly scouring!
- - - Washington Irving (a quote from "The Legend of Sleep Hollow")



Bring forth the raisins and the nuts- Tonight All-Hallows' Specter struts Along the moonlit
way.
- - -John Kendrick Bangs
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Superstitions
Posted: 10/26/2007 6:56:50 PM
A burning a candle inside a jack-o-lantern on Halloween keeps evil spirits and demons at bay.



If a candle suddenly goes out by itself on Halloween, as though by breath or wind, it is believed that a ghost has come to call.



Always burn new candles on Halloween to ensure the best of luck. It is not a good idea to burn Halloween candles at any other time of the year. It may bring bad luck or strange things will happen to you, over which you will have no control.



Gazing into a flame of a candle on Halloween night will enable you to peer into the future.



Girls who carry a lamp to a spring of water on this night can see their future husband in the reflection.



It is believed that if a person lights a new orange colored candle at midnight on Halloween and lets it burn until sunrise, he or she will be the recipient of good luck.



If you hear footsteps trailing close behind you on Halloween night, do not to turn around to see who it is, for it may be Death himself! To look Death in the eye, according to ancient folklore, is a sure way to hasten your own demise.



To cast a headless shadow or no shadow at all is still believed by many folks in the United States and Europe to be an omen of death in the course of the next year.



The old Celtic custom was to light great bonfires on Halloween, and after these had burned out to make a circle of the ashes of each fire. Within this circle, and near the circumference, each member of the various families that had helped to make a fire would place a pebble. If, on the next day, any stone was displaced, or had been damaged, it was considered to be an indication that the one to whom the stone belonged would die within twelve months.



According to an old English folk belief, you will invite bad luck into your home if you allow a fire to burnout on Halloween. To remedy the situation, the fire must be rekindled by a lighted sod brought from the home of a priest.


If a bat flies around a house three times, it is considered to be a death omen.


A person born on Halloween can both see and talk to spirits.


Knocking on wood keeps bad luck away.



If you see a spider on Halloween, it could be the spirit of a dead loved one who is watching you.



Put your clothes on inside out and walk backwards on Halloween night to meet a witch.



You should walk around your home three times backwards and counterclockwise before sunset on Halloween to ward off evil spirits.



In Britain, people believed that the Devil was a nut-gatherer. At Halloween, nuts were used as magic charms.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Witches Brew
Posted: 10/26/2007 6:41:49 PM
HALLOWEEN WITCHES BREW
Ingredients : .
Thaw and dilute with the following. 1 can (6 oz.) frozen grape juice
3 cans water
2 tbsp. honey
2 tbsp. lemon juice
1/4 tsp. ground ginger
1 cinnamon stick
2 whole cloves
Preparation :
In a sauce pan heat all ingredients over low heat until hot. Mix well. Let stand 5 minutes. Does not have to cool to serve. Remove cinnamon and cloves. Vary by adding 1/2 cup orange juice.

WITCHES FINGERS
Ingredients : .
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup icing sugar
1 egg
1 tsp almond extract
1 tsp vanilla
2 3/4 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
3/4 cup whole blanched almonds
1 tube red decorator gel
Preparation :
In bowl beat together butter, sugar, egg, almond extract and vanilla; beat in flour; baking powder and salt. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes. Working with one-quarter of the dough at a time and keeping remaining dough refrigerated, roll heaping teaspoons full of dough into finger shape for each cookie. Press almond firmly into one end for nail. Squeeze in center to create knuckle shape. Using a paring knife make slashes in several places to form knuckle. Place on lightly greased cookie sheet in 325 degree over for 20-25 minutes or until pale or golden. Let cool for three minutes. Lift up almond; squeeze red decorator gel onto nail bed and press almond back in place so gel oozes out from underneath. Remove from cookie sheet and let cool. Repeat with remaining dough. Makes about 5 doz fingers!

NIGHT CRAWLERS
.Ingredients :
.12 large apples
1 8-ounce jar boysenberry jam
4 tablespoons butter
12 gummy worms
Preparation :
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Core apples from the stem end to 1/2 inch from the bottom. Do not push through. Stuff each hole with 1 teaspoon each jam and butter. Place in a pan and bake uncovered for 35 to 45 minutes, depending on the size of the apples. When done, the apple should be tender but not mushy. Remove the apples from the oven. Let cool 15 minutes. Now set each apple in a bowl and spoon syrup from the baking pan around it. In top of each apple, insert a gummy worm with at least half of its body protruding. Makes 12
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 293 (view)
 
The one thing you miss most when you are single
Posted: 10/26/2007 5:30:38 PM
That's a hard one..haha.
Someone that takes my trash out..
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Texan?
Posted: 10/16/2007 1:19:13 PM
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Texan?


Here is a little test that will help you decide.


The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
...............................................................

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
................................................................................
............................................................................
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Need advice on how to housebreak a dog
Posted: 10/16/2007 1:10:40 PM
Another thing,,
You can not expect a animal to not use the bathroom,
if you are going to be gone for long periods of time,
make arrangements from someone to take them out.
I really am not as inhuman as I seem..
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Is there such a thing as destiny?
Posted: 10/16/2007 9:08:14 AM
Sweet love I could have had..
if only I had the will to surrender.
Wars I could have won..
If only I had the courage to fight.
Success was only a few footsteps away from where I stopped.
God gives choices..
For us to create our own destiny,
It's who we are within our own heart that creates our destiny.
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Airplane problems
Posted: 10/15/2007 6:19:42 PM
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in****it. Engineers: Something tightened in****it.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in****it. Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Attorneys
Posted: 10/15/2007 6:18:25 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 judyarlinepuckett
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Doctor Stories
Posted: 10/15/2007 6:16:37 PM
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name
 
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