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 Author Thread: Age appropriate dress
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 189 (view)
 
Age appropriate dress
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:24:09 PM
The hatch, removed from the top of the works, now afforded a wide hearth in front of them. Standing on this were the Tartarean shapes of the pagan harpooneers, always the whale-ship's stokers.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 69 (view)
 
just a quick bit of advice...
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:23:12 PM
It was while gliding through these latter waters that one serene and moonlight night, when all the waves rolled by like scrolls of silver; and, by their soft, suffusing seethings, made what seemed a silvery silence, not a solitude: on such a silent night a silvery jet was seen far in advance of the white bubbles at the bow.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
Talking about Humor and Comedians
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:22:09 PM
His three boats stove around him, and oars and men both whirling in the eddies; one captain, seizing the line-knife from his broken prow, had dashed at the whale, as an Arkansas duellist at his foe, blindly seeking with a six inch blade to reach the fathom-deep life of the whale.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 98 (view)
 
How's Your Memory these days?
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:21:03 PM
Already several fatalities had attended his chase. But though similar disasters, however little bruited ashore, were by no means unusual in the fishery; yet, in most instances, such seemed the White Whale's infernal aforethought of ferocity, that every dismembering or death that he caused, was not wholly regarded as having been inflicted by an unintelligent agent.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 65 (view)
 
How much is too much?
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:20:01 PM
With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 47 (view)
 
The morning after...
Posted: 10/11/2007 9:07:16 AM
How can you get to really know someone if you spend a few hours together here and there and half the time you're naked?

Exactly. Sounds like you believe you need more time together with your clothes on. Happily, there's more than one way to do that!

He's taking what you're offering. If you feel the exchange isn't worth it, offer something else...
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Actions or words?
Posted: 10/11/2007 9:00:52 AM
When actions and words are the same, the point is moot. The only time this question has any significance is when words and actions differ. In such a case, believe the actions; actions aren't just louder than words in this case - actions are everything and words are silent.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
why do people assume Im married
Posted: 10/9/2007 4:42:20 AM
I agree with everyone else here - it's simply the overall image you project; you look pretty matronly and guys pick up on that, because many women who really are 'matrons' dress that way and do so (I believe) in part specifically to project THAT image. I also agree that it wouldn't take much at all to shift your image a bit toward the "I'm available" spectrum. You're attractive, and guys will look for the one thing that says "No, I'm not married" even in the midst of five things that say "I'm not looking". Give them a couple, and you should be good to go!

FWIW, I think glasses are hot. I'm a sucker for the 'girl next door' type. To me, a woman who looks like she reads books looks intelligent and attractive to me; a woman who looks like she does nothing but read books comes across to me as being uninterested in meeting anyone.

Good luck!!
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
comando or not and why?
Posted: 10/8/2007 8:23:52 AM
A few critically important observations on the topic...

1. When a guy goes without undies, it's called "freeballing". Using the term "commando" to refer to a guy is tragically unhip.

2. It is waaaaay cooler to let a woman find out for herself that you are not wearing underwear, rather than telling her beforehand. It's the difference between the woman getting a picture of, well, eeeeww! on the one hand, and finding a pleasant surprise on the other.

3. I don't care whether a woman goes commando or not, but some of the most hilarious fun I've ever had (because it came as a complete surprise) was when a woman once decided to Transform from non-commando to commando while riding in my convertible. With the top down. In broad daylight. (I'm kind of a nerd. Unused to such behavior. Shocking, I tell you!!!)

Dunno. Maybe you had to be there...
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 34 (view)
 
If you're not really interested then, keep your hands off !
Posted: 10/5/2007 12:53:38 PM

Well, I'm sick of her being the way she is !
She needs to start being some other way !

Oh, wow. Just... wow.

I know with certainty what would go through my head if I heard a woman I was thinking of dating utter these words. I'd love to know what the women here think of it...
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Sending mixed signals???!!!
Posted: 10/5/2007 12:05:32 PM
Two dates is long enough for someone to begin to get an accurate idea of whether they want to date you. Looks like he doesn't. He may think you're a great person, just not for him. If there's any doubt at all in your mind, I'd ask him directly.

Some folks don't feel comfortable coming right out and saying it when they've decided that there's not enough connection to keep dating. Personally, I think it's rude not to, so I do it even if I feel uncomfortable or apprehensive. Whatever the case may be, waiting around to figure it out or hope he'll make things clearer just wastes more of your time - go ahead and find out directly! Good luck!
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Asking about a date's child(ren) on the first date
Posted: 10/5/2007 7:09:20 AM
Thanks very much to everyone for your advice! Sounds to me like the consensus is that such questions are welcome - within limits.

It has occurred to me to ask about her daughter simply as a way of politely engaging in conversation - I'm thinking there's no harm in being conservative and setting this topic aside until later, unless I've got some real current reason to bring it up.

Thanks again!
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Am I being played... again?
Posted: 10/5/2007 6:24:33 AM

"I don't know how to bring this up but I need to know, if we are going to be sleeping together are you still going to be seeing other women?"


You bring this up simply by bringing it up. If it is/was important to you for the answer to this question to be 'no', the right time to ask it was BEFORE you slept with him the first time. Now he's being vague about whether he will be dating other women, and you see him active online: "I hadn't planned on it" means that if he finds something he's interested in, he will go after it, but that when he slept with you it wasn't purely with the objective of just 'cutting notches' - at least not consciously. Likely, he is genuinely attracted to you. My read is, likely, he will be genuinely attracted to others. It wasn't a very forthright way to answer your question, and shame on him if that's the case, but...

No, you are not being played, unless he lied to you up front and said you were the only one, which I infer he did not. You slept with a man without making sure beforehand that doing so was within the boundaries you would like believe you have established for yourself, and I say "like to believe" because until your actions match your words the fact is that those boundaries have not actually been established, have they? It's entirely YOUR responsibility to make sure conditions are right for you BEFORE sleeping with him - whatever those conditions may be. That's the flip-side of "no means no". You can always say no. If you don't, without making sure beforehand that the relationship is where you need it to be, and then feel bad about it afterworld, it's a refusal to take responsibility for your own actions if you try to lay off that responsibility on your partner by labeling him a 'player'.

Until you are willing to stand up for the relationship requirements you feel are necessary, and at the risk of not getting the physical interaction you clearly desire, you will get yourself into this situation - as you say - ... again. and again. and again.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
If you're not really interested then, keep your hands off !
Posted: 10/4/2007 9:17:19 PM
You know all this about these types of really icky women, and want to pass it along to us so that we can all fix their behavior for them - am I reading this clearly? Okay, now I KNOW you're trolling.

And I bit so hard... <hangs head in shame and scuffs toe>
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
If you're not really interested then, keep your hands off !
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:49:40 PM
Apparently, I am quote-challenged...
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
If you're not really interested then, keep your hands off !
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:45:12 PM
Kynnie - thanks. I'm actually rather a fan of your posts. You often come in fast and low, but there's no home for BS.

And you know, the more I think about it, the more I think the solution is in OP's very first sentence.

<div class="quote">
Nothing to me is more irritating than the touchy feely type of woman.


OP, match your actions to your words. If being touched and felt irritates you, then make it clear to your date that this is the case. If she persists in such irritating touching and feeling, leave. If you don't do so, and let her continue, take responsibility for your own actions - or lack thereof. I've reread your posts a couple of times now, and it sounds more and more to me like you're letting the behavior continue when you know you're going to eventually get shut down, just so that when when you do you then have a nice opportunity to garner sympathy by complaining about how mean women are and how you've been demeaned.

Hey, maybe I'm wrong. Just offering my perceptions as food for thought.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
If you're not really interested then, keep your hands off !
Posted: 10/4/2007 7:09:36 PM
If you dont like what a woman is doing, u have the option to say no thankyou & walk away.
If they choose to be annoyed at you, well so what? They're an idiot and u werent interested in them anyway so you win.
If ur gettin angry if u expect it to lead to sex...thats ur own fault & u lose.

I think you're off base here, if what OP posted is taken at face value. He didn't say he didn't like it. He didn't say he expected sex.

It seems pretty clear to me that he did like it, and that he reciprocated what his partner was doing, and it was SHE that got angry with HIM. That's flat out teasing (not the nice kind), and in my book that's a Dating Sin. I read a lot of posts from women who appear to believe that men are nothing more than gonad-driven lower primates looking for a warm home for their penises. Unfortunately, some of those do exist. And the reality is that men are biologically hardwired to procreate. As adults (hopefully) men learn that desire does not equal propriety, and act accordingly. Yet the fact remains that men do have the sexual response befitting their base biological role, and when stimulated, it is both powerful and compelling. As a man, I believe it is my responsibility to deal with that reality and manage those passions in a way that is respectful to my date. At the same time, a woman who purposefully plays with that response with no intention of following through in any fashion is demonstrating a horrific lack of respect. In this case, the woman in question intentionally stimulated OP in an obviously sexual way with no intention of following through, and this is clearly indicated to me by the fact that the woman in question did not simply say 'no' and state her boundaries, but used the reciprocation as an opportunity to express anger. Shameful, in my opinion - if OP's account is to be taken at face value.

That said, OP, nobody is going to go 'tell all these women' what it is you want said; you've got to deal with it yourself by doing exactly what Kynnie stated- you DO have the option of saying no and walking away. If this is a one-time occurrence, you have my sympathy. If this has happened more than once, that suggests very strongly that you might benefit from taking a hard look at yourself and what you are doing and bringing to the table. Identifying a tease isn't difficult, and no gender has a monopoly on getting into situations they don't like - by their own actions - and then 'crying wolf'.

Just my $0.02.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Asking about a date's child(ren) on the first date
Posted: 10/4/2007 6:09:37 PM
Another question in my mind arising from this evening's first Coffee Date...

How do you feel when a date inquires about your child (or children) on the first meeting? The woman I met has a 10 year old daughter. I thought I might bring that up in conversation ("What is your daughter's name?", etc). Thought this might be a way of saying, "it doesn't bother me that you have a child". I'm not unaware that sometimes women encounter men who are put off dating a woman who has children. Also, it simply came to mind as a "getting to know you" topic. On the other hand, I thought maybe asking about her daughter might come across as too personal at this point. Asking about children is something I wouldn't hesitate to do with, for instance a new business associate, but thought it might be inappropriate for a fledgling interpersonal relationship. (Can you tell I'm sorta new at this?...)

I made the decision to leave that topic alone, but now I'm curious to know how you all would feel about such a question.

Thanks!
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Do guys get the wrong idea when a woman lives on her own?
Posted: 10/4/2007 12:34:07 PM
I'm largely in agreement with ubkobalt, and disagree with the idea that it signals that they are definitely going to get sex.

When a woman invites a man to her home, particularly for a date that will probably include snuggling - like watching a movie - yeah, she might be doing that because she hopes to have sex. But it most certainly does NOT say "If you come over, I will have sex with you". Like anything else, nothing is ironclad, and making assumptions about something as intimate as sex without checking them frequently along the way is both foolhardy and ignorant.

If you invite a guy over under the circumstances you describe, and he has no right to expect sex; if he makes overtures, it is your responsibility to accept or reject those depending on what you want, and his responsibility to accept your answer without whining or otherwise being a twit.

By the same token, since inviting someone to the intimacy of your home, on a date, might reasonably be interpreted as being a _possible_ overture on your part, it would not be appropriate to get angry with a guy simply because he responded to that perceived overture.

No, you're not under any obligation to have sex. But if you think you will have a problem if your date tries to initiate sex because he's finding out whether your invitation is in fact an overture, then don't invite him, because he's not necessarily being unreasonable in trying to find out. Beyond that, the same ol' rules apply to both of you - teasing is not nice, and no means no.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is something wrong wit me?
Posted: 10/4/2007 8:30:52 AM
Caveat: these are my personal impressions, coupled with my own style of meeting people - but perhaps useful for consideration.

Two things came to mind. One is that there's a lot of bewb in your pictures, and some - I'm not saying all - are obviously there to display just that. Personally, I think bewbs are nice. That said, one pic that shows what you've got - in a tasteful way - is probably sufficient. (One realizes that 'the twins' are likely to appear in any picture you post, but I trust you understand what I'm getting at).

The other is that you're offering to chat. To me, this implies IM. Personally, I never IM with anybody, nor do I exchange extensive e-mails, before meeting. I always want to meet face to face, briefly, in a public place. (Say what you want about Starbucks, they're a godsend if you want to meet people from the internet). My feeling is that if someone doesn't have the confidence to meet for half an hour in broad daylight in a well trafficked location, we likely won't hit it off. This is purely my own preference and style, and I don't mean in writing this to suggest that you should adopt it as your own; however, I personally would not be interested in an e-mail from someone who wanted to chat. In my own experience, there's just been no correlation between that type of opening communication and meeting someone like I'm looking for. If you attempted to contact anyone with an approach similar to mine, they might respond as you have described.

Actual advice I would offer: do that with which you are comfortable, at your own pace, and simply let things unfold.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
how do you know if a guy is in love with you or lust?
Posted: 10/3/2007 1:04:47 PM
here's me thinking that was a bad thing cos it meant when we finally let it out we'd be grossed out by each other because we were used to seeing/hearing the gentleman/ladylike side of each other

Hey, the cool thing is, if it doesn't work out after all, you can always make a gross joke about it! Like...

Didja hear the one about the cannibal who dumped her boyfriend?...

you don't mind if I borrow "Jeurnerab" for while to help him?

Oh, aren't you sweet!!


 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
how do you know if a guy is in love with you or lust?
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:57:38 AM


But still we are both admitting to having disgusting gross senses of humour but are holding back in each other's presence... is this normal behaviour?


Damn. Better and better. You have a sense of humor so disgusting that you fear others will find it off-putting. And so does he! Jeez. I'm gonna go have a margarita tonight purely to celebrate the fact that you found each other!

You've both demonstrated that you realize your senses of humor might be offensive to others. Respect. Now that you've confided in each other, it's time to let the jokes fly!


Man, your situation is so sweet, I can hardly stand it.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Does it matter how a woman treats other women in forums?
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:46:50 AM
For me, it's an absolute deal-breaker. Contentiousness is one thing, as are differences of opinion expressed in a mature fashion. There's no call for rudeness in a public forum. How someone responds to rudeness equally important to me. See how someone handles that, and you'll have a good idea how they respond to stress in general. Life, as I have experienced it thus far, is frequently occasioned with stressful situations.

Hey, we're all human, and we all lose it sometimes. If I were to do something I felt was inappropriate in a public forum, that's also where my apology would appear.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
tell me why dont men like to show affection.
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:36:05 AM
I looooooove to show affection! So it's not a 'man' thing, assuming one exception is sufficient to invalidate the generalization.

Perhaps you could surf the forums for women who are complaining that all men want is sex, and arrange to trade dates?

Seriously, though, people are who they are. If your current interest doesn't display affection readily, knowing the reason why isn't going to change that. If a greater degree of affection is important enough to you, chalk him up and go find yourself someone to can provide that.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
What could possibly have happened?
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:22:56 AM

thought we were good friends after all those weeks and the kisses on our date WOW

Eight weeks of IM conversation = 10 minutes face to face. In my own experience, only once you meet someone face to face do you begin to get to know them. That's the reason that I personally have adopted the approach of dispensing with e-mails and IM and moving right to a meeting - a short meeting, for coffee, during daylight hours.

I've found that the progression is generally something like this: Coffee - first impressions. First real 'date' - Spend an extended amount of time with each other. At the end of the date, smooching may or may not be involved; sparks may or may not fly. If they do, a degree of infatuation invariably arises (at least for me) that can cloud one's view of the real person. I always try to let that subside before seeing them again. Second 'date' - I try to always make this something where there is ample opportunity for conversation, so we can get a fuller and clearer view of who the other person really is.

At any point along the line, one or both of you may realize that it's just not there. It doesn't mean that there's anything 'wrong' with either of you. Simply that there's something missing that the other person might want or need, or something there that isn't their particular cup of tea. If that happens, you don't date any more. I meet far more people for coffee than I ever go on a date with. I go on more first dates than I go on second dates.

After meeting for coffee, if neither of you contacts each other, there's no interest; if someone contacts me after coffee and I'm not interested in a date, I will always respond and let them know. After any date at all, I feel it's simple courtesy to let the other know that you don't see things going any further if that's the case.

Looks like, OP and tps_877, the men you dated are longer interested (the reason doesn't really matter, when all is said and done), but aren't willing to say so. I personally think that's a bit rude, given the personal investment you both made to spend time these men, but it happens. It has happened to me too. I just chalk it up and move on.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
how do you know if a guy is in love with you or lust?
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:10:46 AM
OP - If it were me doing the things for you that you describe, it would mean I genuinely cared for you. Caring for you when you are sick is a good indicator. There is a middle ground between love and lust, though. It sounds likely that he is not attracted to you purely out of lust, but at the same time, you can't necessraily conclude that he is in love with you ('in love', 'love' whatever you want to call it).

My read is that you've found a guy that's worthwhile, and have a growing relationship that may eventually lead to love if it's not there already. Recommendation: Keep seeing him, and keep getting to know each other. Hurray for you!!
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
easiest way of dumping someone
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:38:14 AM
I second hughbaugher's advice. To the point, short, sweet. A couple of other observations:

It's an overused term, but Respect is the key as far as I'm concerned. When I have had to break up with someone, I also try to remember the following... (note - these tips pertain to a dating relationship, not an LTR. Ending an LTR gracefully is a whole different gig)

There will be disappointment, and expressions thereof. It is the responsibility of whoever is breaking up with someone else to absorb some of that. Nobody should be required to absorb abuse. However, to expect someone to just roll over and say "Oh, okay." is the same as saying "You're an object, not a person". Giving a person an opportunity - brief - to express their feelings shows you respect that person and care for them as a human being, even though you won't be dating them any more.

Be straightforward, and do not offer any condolences. This says basically, "I understand this is hard news, but I know you are an adult and can deal with this", rather than "I believe you to be immature and unable to deal with things, so I will offer you reassurances and condolences because you can't deal with this without me". So... no "It's not you, it's me", no "I still want to be friends" (if that's going to happen, you don't have to tell them it will), no "You're everything I ever wanted, but I just can't handle it", etc.

Unless there is a clear and objectively unavoidable reason, i.e. "I caught you sleeping with my sister", avoid offering much in the way of reasons. The temptation can be great for the person being 'dumped' to want to ask why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done? What's wrong with me? Explaining to someone the detail of everything that is wrong places you in the role of the arbiter of who they should be. That would be arrogant of you, and hurtful (though they may ask for it) to them. All they need to know is that it's not working for you, and therefore it won't work for you as a couple.

15 minutes max. Any longer than that, and you're just dangling yourself in front of someone you just said can't have you any more. That would be cruel.

I recommend having some ice cream and a DVD movie waiting in readiness for yourself for afterwards. You can chill out after having done what is for many a difficult thing - been straight-up with someone in the face of their disappointment - and can reward youself for having done the right thing and having taken care of yourself properly at the same time.

Edit: I guess I didn't really address the question. This isn't the easiest way. But I think it's the best...
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Do I need to change my picture?
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:30:17 AM
The "crushed" picture looks pretty freaky. I'd recommend the same shot with a wider aspect so you don't look like you got your head caught in a machine that squishes things.

Second picture: Dudette, oh my god, you have GORGEOUS eyes. Way to show those off! Someone commented that the shot might be a little tight - I think he may have a point.

In the words of Jean-Baptiste Immanuel Zorg: Never be ashamed of who you are. Post a full length pic. Good candidates could be you dressed up in something nice, like to go see a play or somesuch, or a picture of you with friends, that shows what you look like from head to toe. Anyone who doesn't like it, why would you want to hear from them anyway? But to the extent that beauty is important, those to whom your beauty speaks will have the opportunity to see it shine.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Is there a difference between dating vs seeing someone...if so, what is it?
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:41:45 AM
I'm in agreement with Makes My Knees Weak. "Dating" is the same as "Seeing Someone". Yes, there may be differences in shades of meaning between the two, but what those meanings are can differ greatly from person to person. I would suggest there is little benefit trying to examine those differences down to the "gnat guano" level.

I personally think that the most important distinction is the use of the term "exclusively". If you're simply dating someone or seeing someone, there is no expressed commitment not to "date" or "see" someone else - whatever the individual believes is appropriate behavior for a "date" or a "see". If you're dating or seeing someone exclusively, that means you have agreed to date or see only each other. So, the following conversation commicates all that needs to be said:

He: Are you seeing anyone?
She: Yeah.
He: Is it exclusive?

She: Yes. (smiles)
He: Pity... for me. Have a great day! (smiles)

...or...

She: no... (smiles)
He: Well, I'd love the chance to yak with you for a while. How would you feel about sharing a cup of coffee with me? (really big smile)

Really, what other information can you reliably expect to glean from the terms "dating" and "seeing"? Two people are spending time together, and they've either made a commitment of some kind or duration not to see anyone else at the same time, or they haven't.

For what it's worth, I also believe that if a person has requirments (for exclusivity - or anything else) before taking the next step emotionally or physically, it's that person's responsibility to make sure those requirements are in place before taking that step, no matter what that step may be. The way to find out whether your requirements are met is to ask outright, and probably not to start a nebulous conversation that begins with something like "Hon, are we dating, or just seeing each other?"
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
how direct are you?
Posted: 10/1/2007 8:22:07 AM
Unless the experience was unbearably putrid and obviously so to all involved, I _always_ make time the next day to call someone I've been out with. If I want to see her again, I use a phrase that is easy to understand and to the point: "I would like to see you again".

Shucks, why beat around the bush on that one? It's like saying "Please pass the salt". As a friend of mine used to say, "The worst she can do is laugh in your face."

Here's a technique for any woman who hasn't heard back yet, but wants to get together again. Call the guy and say point blank, "I would like to see you again." If the answer is "Me to" or somesuch, there you go. If the answer is _anything_ other than a clear affirmative, it doesn't matter what the answer is - I would recommend chalking it up and moving on. Either he's unsure and you'd be chasing, he doesn't want to but doesn't have enough spine to tell you, he has to think about whether it's worth his time and you weren't important enough for him to have done so before you called, etc. Any guy who respects you as a person, and has any confidence at all, will tell you that he's not interested if in fact he is not. Often tactfully, and including thanks to you for taking time to have met him.

When I say no, it's generally something along the lines of "I'm really glad you made time to meet me, I really enjoyed meeting you, but it's just not there for me. " In my book, providing a specific reason why is both unnecessary and counterproductive, and I never do it. To me, though, respect demands that I don't leave someone wondering after they've made the effort and taken the time to meet me.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
So, body hair on a woman in unusual places.
Posted: 10/1/2007 7:21:26 AM
Okay, I'm gonna come completely clean. I dig body hair. The underarm 'shrubs' referred to in a previous post are sexy to me. Yeah, I can hear the complaints now - 'it's gross', 'it's stinky', yadda yadda yadda. Well, heck, I've got hair under my own arms. I love having it nibbled on and played with, and I've got no problem washing the anti-perspirant out of my pits first so that whoever I'm with doesn't get a mouthful. Lack of hair is fine, too. It's all real, and it's all good.

Granted, my views came straight from The Joy Of Sex, my parent's copy of which I snuck off with on more than one occasion thirty years ago or so.

Here's another fun bit. I'm 44 now. I find myself doing really new and interesting things to get ready for a date - things that never occurred to me to do when I was younger. Like, I've got this one hair that grows out of the top of my earlobe, and gets really long. (I love telling my younger male coworkers about this stuff - you should see them squirm...) I've found the best way to get rid of it is to grab it and give a good yank. Ya know what, that hurts. A lot.

Unless a woman has a whisk-broom growing out of her nose or something, man, no way am I going to demand that a woman do that kind of thing ALL OVER HER BODY.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Do men appreciate a girl who comes on to them first?
Posted: 9/29/2007 8:31:20 AM
Smilin Bob, I salute you. My thoughts diverge from yours in some ways, but I also see a synergy.

Personally, I'm not looking for a LTR. This isn't to say that I will never want one, but simply that I'm not ready for one right now. Right now, I want to meet people, and I want to date. I'm 44, have been divorced for five years, feel as though I have my feet back on the ground, but I do not, in fact, really know what I'm looking for. This is the first time in my life that I've been both 1) a growunup, and 2) dating. The only way for me to find out what I really want is to get out and see what's out there.

For me (heck, for anyone) what I believe is critical is to have integrity. Without this, I think one can validly be labled a 'player', and be responsible for hurting people. I'm right up front with where I am and what I'm doing. Ladies focused on an LTR can make the decision for themselves whether, and how - as friends, as a date, or not at all, etc. - they want to become involved with me. If I am honest and forthright with myself and with them, the worst I can be validly accused of is not being what they might like me to be, and any hurt over and above normal disappointment is their own responsiblity; but I'll never consciously betray their trust. Each person in a budding relationship has to take responsiblity for what they choose to do with the other person, and whether conditions are right for going each step further, either emotionally or physically. For my part, I've found that sometimes people I have dated have refused to admit to themselves that I'm not what they are looking for; they know what they want, but persist in wanting to believe that I am that thing and deny to themselves that I am not that - even in the face of me communicating clearly that I am not. When I see this, I back things off, simply because that leads to a mess that I don't want to get all over me.

In answer to the original question, I dig it when a woman expresses interest. I don't see it as a man/woman thing - we're all people, and we all have a right to inquire, just as we all have a right to say yes or no.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
So, body hair on a woman in unusual places.
Posted: 9/29/2007 7:50:45 AM
Everybody is different. That's what makes each person special in their own way. Yeah, maybe that sounds trite, but for me, it's part of what makes being close to someone a rich experience.

If I were dating a woman with the appearance you describe, I think I would most likely find it very sexy. It's an aspect that's relatively unusual, and special to her. I'd probably want to nibble on each and every hair, one at a time. Might take a while, and that would be cool.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
best way to catch a guys eye?
Posted: 9/28/2007 4:56:08 PM
Groovy!

~~~~meaninglessblathersothatthesystemwillpostmymessage~~~~~~~~
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 46 (view)
 
best way to catch a guys eye?
Posted: 9/28/2007 1:28:25 PM
Priceless!!! I want one.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 67 (view)
 
I am woman, hear me fart.
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:58:04 AM
My then wife (now ex) once farted on me full-on while I was going down on her. She was climaxing and just lost it.

She was mortified. What went through my mind in that moment?

"Yeah, baby. I am soooooo Tha Man!"


Life's too short to get hung up on gas.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Nice Smile
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:33:19 AM
"Nice smile" can fill a couple of roles. When I use it, I mean "Hey, I find you attractive, and I want to compliment you and see if you're receptive without blatantly hitting on you". I think it's also a good way to flirt with someone who is working and doesn't have time for a conversation or a huge distraction. As a matter of fact, I noticed the lady at the post office who handed me my certified letter today wasn't wearing a ring, and I thought she was kind of cute, so I told her I liked her smile. I'll probably never see her again, but it brightened her day, and that's a cool thing!

If I tell a woman she has a nice smile, and she smiles and says thank-you, then no harm, no foul, and we both get a nice smile out of it. If she says, "thank you, and you have really pretty eyes", probability is good that she has at least a little interest in me, and we can go from there.

My personal First Rule of Complimenting Women is: anything I say MUST be sincere. Sincerity generally comes across pretty well. Occasionally, someone might think I'm just slinging a line, but hey, in that case, it's not me that's missing out.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
what does it mean when......
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:24:10 AM
My mantra: Trust your gut. Trust your gut. Trust your gut.

Huge indicator for me is always the degree to which actions match words. When I see those diverge much at all, I regard that as a huge red flag. One which I have learned never to ignore.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 42 (view)
 
best way to catch a guys eye?
Posted: 9/28/2007 11:12:57 AM
Simplicity. The best pick-up line in the world is: "Hello!" while making eye contact and smiling.

From there, your job is to answer the question that will be foremost in his mind: What does she want? "I've seen you in class, and just wanted to say hi."

Okay, he may be thinking, she's said hi. So what? From here some common ground is useful. Either you have something in common you can mention. Better yet, since guys love to talk about themselves, you can ask him about something he knows about that you are interested in. Like...

"Hey, I saw a rugby game once, and it looked pretty awesome, but I totally didn't understand everything that was happening..." If he has any interest at all, I guarantee you he'll take it from there. (Hint - it's waaaaaaay more effective if you actually want to know about rugby).

Other ideas -
"Have you heard the new xxxxx album?"
"Did you hear about the xxxxxx (some event on campus)"

The one that would work best on me is more straightforward. "From what I've seen in class, you look like a pretty interesting guy. I was hoping you would have lunch with me."

If you get 'shot down', good for you! (in a way) You can chalk it up and focus your attention elsewhere. Additional benefit - you'll notice, if you check, that you are not bleeding anywhere, have no bruises, your hair still looks good, and in fact you're still the same cool person you were before you approached him. After this happens four or five times, you will likely be over your apprehension at approaching guys you would like to meet.

Good luck!
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Trying not to bitter
Posted: 9/28/2007 10:50:37 AM
My take is this... Consider a social gathering with fifty or so people in attendance. You have conversations with many people. Perhaps you identify three or four that your are intellectually/physically/philosophically or in some way attracted to - i.e. you think, perhaps I might date him... You take some time to get to know them better. In short order, you realize that two of them would in no way be compatable as prospective mates. The other two, the same happens, but it takes a little longer - you date the last one five or six times before you realize that it's not going to be there long term. But you've made two new friends (could be any of the four), and one of them is what you would consider a good friend - someone you could rely on in a pinch.

I would suggest that the internet is no different, except that it can also be a good starting point for people just learning to date again. I've yet to meet someone divorced relatively recently who hasn't tried to meet people online. Such people are often hurting a bit. Maybe a little needy. Maybe unsure of what they really want. Maybe unsure of how to present themselves - what to do up front and what to reveal later. Sometimes, they may surprise themselves with their mistakes. Often, they learn from them. I feel I can say this without being insulting or condescending; I have been one such person in the past. I can say with confidence that you will meet some of them if you use the internet as a means of meeting people.

I like to think of internet dating as a big room full of a wide array of people. When we have coffee, it's the equivalent of walking up and saying "hello", and my expectation level is the same. Dating is like a box of chocolates... In my experience, internet dating is as well. But with that in mind, it can be just as fun - meeting people you decide not to date can still be a rich experience. And... In gaining more of that experience, it becomes easier to identify more quickly those you aren't interested in dating - and you still have the option of getting to know them better if you think they would make a good friend.

Just my $0.02...
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
what is an appropriate time frame to meet in person?
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:19:49 PM
Follow on thoughts, though.

I _never_ ask someone where they live, though when arranging a place to meet, I will ask what part of town they're in. I don't think that's out of line, and have no problem giving out that information about myself. I also offer my phone number before we meet. (I'm cell phone only). I've never had anyone become a pest yet.
 jeunerab
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
what is an appropriate time frame to meet in person?
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:15:29 PM
My style may differ from many, but I avoid more than a couple of e-mails or phone calls. I've found it's nearly impossible to get a good idea of who someone is via the phone or e-mail; there is simply too much that's not there to observe in comparison to a face to face meeting.

For me, the first date isn't a date, it's simply a meeting. Almost invariably for coffee. Half-hour to an hour. What you can learn about a person speaking face to face with them for thirty minutes far exceeds what you can find out about them in a ton of e-mails, and comes closer to what it's like meeting someone "organically". Saves time in the long run - whether you want to see them again or not.

I understand that security and safety are important concerns for women (well, heck, for anybody!). But seriously, we're talking $5 and thirty minutes, in a well-trafficked public place, in broad daylight. It works for me because it works for any woman I would be interested in. Personally, I'll meet pretty much _anyone_ for coffee who indicates an interest and doesn't have any blaring 'red flags' in their profile. Meet ten people, you might make two or three good friends. Make two or three good friends, you might find someone you fall for.

Your mileage may vary.
 
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