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 Author Thread: Already Feeling Lost
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Already Feeling Lost
Posted: 3/23/2012 3:17:03 PM
You should put on your profile that you don't want children, and in the "About Me" section, say it again. Not everyone wants to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent. If it isn't your thing, it is far more respectable to say so and not waste anyone's times or hopes.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
POF strikes again
Posted: 3/15/2012 2:18:52 PM
I'd be willing to bet this was a scammer, also. Probably a 14 year old boy in Africa or Russia.

Their profiles tend to be well-written (google the content sometime, it's usually cut and pasted), they tend to bring a "Christian" or "by the Grace of God" line into the profile or first message, like: "Can it be, by the Grace of God, that you are still single?", they tend to be online either all the time or at unusual times, they always have pictures of nice looking people (stolen from their other victims' profiles), and when you start to email, they speak in broken english, misspellings, or text-speak. And they rarely use your name--preferring terms of endearment, so they don't confuse you with the other people they are simultaneously chatting. If any of that sounds applicable, thank whatever person reported this profile as a scammer, and move on.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 61 (view)
 
Do You Google?
Posted: 3/10/2012 10:26:58 AM
I don't Google before the first meet. I just try to use ordinary care in meetups (after a couple that I let my guard down). If I have chemistry with someone, and we decide to pursue a relationship, then I might, because my picker is "off" sometimes.

But, some of the worst people I dated, that had the most jealousy issues or turned out to be borderline psychos, had clean records on Google. They didn't post their craziness online anywhere, and apparently were never arrested for the stuff they did wrong.

I'm with the group that says use it as a tool, not a final deal-breaker. Unless there is undisputable proof of what you've found (like a photo with the prison record, or facebook pages that clearly define that this is the same person).
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 3:54:52 PM
From your profile:


"It's mind over matter—if I don't mind, it really doesn't matter" and "the only thing you can count on is don't count on anything" are my credos. I've also been compared to an old cat who loves to nap,


You and the women evidently have different ideas about what defines "decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them."

If YOU don't mind, it really doesn't matter? Even is SHE minds, then does it matter? And "don't count on anything" is your credo? When does the guy "giving his heart and soul to the woman in his life" come out to play? Because frankly, I do not see him in your profile.

And compared to an old cat that sleeps all the time? Sound romantic--NOT!

The really decent, nice guys understand that relationships are about communication, support, and compromise. You can agree to disagree, but you can't say that her opinion doesn't matter. And the works for both genders. If a man keeps telling her that her opinion doesn't matter and he can't be counted on for anything, then any sane woman will leave with no remorse. IMO.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Waiting for the return call
Posted: 3/6/2012 2:36:10 PM
Famous line (but I don't remember which comedy show it comes from):

"When a woman says, 'I'll call you', she means 'today'. When a man says 'I'll call you", he means 'In my lifetime'."

First, I'm in the camp that says you could have sent a text or an email to say "Had a great time, I'll call on Monday." Particularly if you really see potential with this one. As you can testify, no information makes one believe the worst.

People are busy these days, not all of us can talk or text at our jobs, and I am notoriously bad about not answering my phone. But if you text/email, and you call, and she still doesn't answer, then it's time to move on.

But don't sit around waiting until an "appropriate amount of time" has passed to make next contact. That's a good way for someone else to take the opportunity to steal her out from under you.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Erectile Dysfunction
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:31:38 PM
I would not put it in your profile, either way. If you don't suffer from it, I wouldn't worry about it at all. I think most women are going to assume that all your man parts are in working order, unless you tell her that they aren't.

For the ED-sufferers who may be reading this thread, and wondering also, I would say that if a woman's profile is very sexually-oriented, perhaps you tell her pretty quickly (but in person/phone, not on the profile, and not via email/text). If it isn't, then don't bring it up too soon. Some women just don't want the sex talk at all until they are ready to get intimate.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:45:22 PM
I agree with ChrisDan. Very well put.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Had a date with great signs but next day let down
Posted: 3/1/2012 5:41:13 PM
I think the only way to know for sure if she meant "to call her when "I get back on my feet", is to give her a call!

Sometimes, it's a nice brush-off. Sometimes, it's a sincere invitation. If she thought your situation was just temporary, and would otherwise be into you, she might have been trying to reduce drama for each of you.

If she thought you were hopeless, and was just too nice to say so, the only way you'll know is to take her at her word. If she seems happy to hear from you, then move forward. If she seems lukewarm at all, consider it over.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Trying to figure this girl out
Posted: 3/1/2012 5:21:01 PM
She may be interested in one of your buddies, but is afraid of getting messed up by "the bro code". If she wants your friend, but is not friends with him independently of you, then her only choice is to only hang with you when he's around.

If she goes out alone with you, you get the wrong idea, you think she's interested in you, you get your heart broken, you tell all your bro's that she broke your heart, and they all avoid her like the plague.

She has to stay friends with you to get to your friend. But she can't lead you on. She can't make you feel like you have a chance with her. But her only chance is to do the group hangout thing until your friend develops an interest on his own, outside of you. But he won't do that if he thinks you like her. But she has to make it clear that she doesn't like you "like that", or else she is off limits, due to "the bro code".
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Friendship, FWB and wanting a relationship
Posted: 3/1/2012 5:00:11 PM
I'm afraid you are too deeply imbedded in the friend zone.

You've said you want more. She seems content having you as her "go-to" Plan B. You say you refuse to stay in the friend zone. That leaves your only choice to go for all or nothing--but you have to mean it. She will try to stay in her comfort zone, which is having you to fall back on. If you try for the love relationship, and it fails, there will be no going back to the friend zone--for either of you.

If she won't go for the relationship thing, then you are better off not having your heart broken over and over again seeing her moving from guy to guy. You need to respect yourself more than that, then the right lady will, too.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Why men ask women about jobs, money on the first message?
Posted: 3/1/2012 4:24:52 PM
I would guess that he is just a little blunt or unpolished. I suspect he wanted to know that you can and do support yourself, that you are not just collecting alimony waiting for another guy to come along. Since you list your occupation as "other", he probably wants to know that you do have some reliable income stream, and that you aren't looking for a quick live-in situation with him footing all the bills.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people just looking for a meal ticket out there. Very few of us, male or female, are actively seeking unemployed deadbeats, collecting welfare or living off our parents or our exes.

If you were interested in getting to know the guy, if he seemed nice other than this, you could have said something like "I have a job (or I work as a ________ ). How much I make is a little personal, but rest assured that I make enough to meet my needs."
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Texting but not meeting up?
Posted: 3/1/2012 3:38:32 PM
I work the night shift for my fulltime job also, and I work part-time on weekends, so I know it's difficult to meet up with a "day" person. But, when a guy asks me out, if I want to go, I try to come up with some concrete options. I often say things like "if you are a night owl, I get off at 10:00, we could meet for a drink or something, or if you have any morning flexibility, I sometimes eat breakfast!" Or I offer up my Saturday and/or Sunday nights. And sometimes, I have to say, "can't do it this week, what are your plans a week from Saturday?". But I at least offer options.

If I can't come up with an option, then it's usually because I don't want to.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Do you feel friends with benefits can sometimes improve your main relationship?
Posted: 3/1/2012 3:25:55 PM
There is a thriving community of polyamorous people, and the whole swing lifestyle, out there. Some people think it is great and natural and perfect.

Others say that marriage is always supposed to be monogamous.

I try not to judge others, but for me, I want to have "my guy", and I want to be "his lady", and I would want us to never feel the need to wander from that. Haven't found a guy who is interested in me that shares that opinion, but I try to keep the dream alive.

Polyamory only works if all parties agree to it.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 25 (view)
 
The other side of the coin....the other man!
Posted: 3/1/2012 3:16:43 PM
There are some people who just can't stand the idea of being alone. I think it's a self-esteem issue (but what do I know?). There are people who will stay in an unfulfilling relationship just because they think it is better than nothing. I also think that in SOME cases, this is why people stay in toxic relationships.

But, they keep looking for something better. Then they try to start a new "sure thing" before they will end the old "bad thing". I'm not saying I agree with that thinking, nor that I support it, but I have observed it.

And, some people are just jerks.

But, you show great strength of character for walking away. A religious leader once said "there is no sin in being tempted. The sin comes when you act on the temptation". Good for you for not giving in to temptation.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Role of the guy when dating women with children
Posted: 2/28/2012 5:26:40 PM
Your role is to stay out of those family matters until you are invited in. Hopefully, she will not involve you in her children's lives unless and until you are in a committed, long-term relationship. It just gets complicated and confusing bringing dates/boyfriends around if they don't plan to stay for the long haul.

When she finally starts inviting you around for "family time", you need to have a talk about what she expects, what she will tolerate, and whether you have the same views on discipline. For instance, if you believe in corporal punishment and she doesn't (or vice versa), that will be a major issue for you.

And correcting, criticizing, & discipline are not your place unless she tells you they are, unless she leaves you alone with the kids. If she is there, it is her role until she tells you otherwise. That could become a major point of contention, particularly if you don't think she's doing it "right".

And your role will depend largely on what other male role models exist in the children's lives. If they have a good, close, functional relationship with their father, then they may not need/probably won't want you to be a father figure. Then, you would be their friend and take care of their mother.

If not, maybe you do the "Big Brother" approach for awhile.

Ask HER. This is her call. And it can be a different answer for every relationship.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
How to ask a girl who works at a grocery store?
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:58:44 PM
I've worked at several customer service retail-like jobs. Yes, we are supposed to be friendly and make eye contact and all. Some stores don't want the employees to be the one to make the first move, because that could be considered sexual harassment if the customer isn't interested.

I had one guy come through my line, and ask a simple question: "Do you ever date your customers?". I was in a committed relationship at that time, so I told him that I was flattered, but not available. Next time he came in, all was friendly and not awkward.

It's a nice, respectable approach, and gives her an easy out if she's not interested. Just be prepared to make a plan to meet her after work for a drink or ice cream or something, if she says yes.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
OPEN Relationships: Do they work?
Posted: 2/20/2012 2:42:43 PM
You need to clarify something, before you say you had an "open" relationship:

We had CLEARLY discussed, at least on 2 seperate occasions that we were not 'boyfriend and girlfriend' AND I also clearly told her that I do not want to be in a 'relationship' with a woman because I find committing to one woman to be a burden.


An open relationship is not simply a lack of commitment to your "partner". An "open relationship" is where two people usually are commited to each other, but each is free to have sexual or romantic relationships with other people. BOTH PARTNERS AGREE to these terms, and usually set terms about who the Alpha is in each relationship. Terms and conditions include everything from "safe sex" to who goes home with whom at night, to how often you are free to see others, call others, etc. Both partners basically give "permission" for the other to date other people, openly, without guilt.

Open relationships are not just about hooking up.

I'm guessing that you simply said you didn't want a committed relationship. She was hoping that over time you would develop stronger feelings for her, and get over whatever issues she perceived you had. You didn't. And it broke her heart, because she was hoping for something you couldn't/wouldn't give.

Do open relationships work? Do a thread search on polyamorous relationships. There are quite a few threads on the subject. I would say that for most people, no, they do not work. We humans do not like to share. Someone ends up jealous, demanding more time, trying to assert themselves as the "Alpha", and tries to ignore the rules of play.

Some people do have open relationships and they do work, but these are people who are extremely open with their communications and expectations, and can clearly and frankly talk about their relationship and their feelings.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 40 (view)
 
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/8/2012 5:18:55 PM
If this is an absolute deal breaker for you, then just put it on your profile. You can try to soften it up a little bit, but just say that you expect intimacy in a relationship, and that it is a dealbreaker. I think most guys would rather know up front, than worry about it later.

I had one guy who I was emailing, that told me before we even met because he was afraid it would be a dealbreaker for me (it isn't). So, the rules about what is "appropriate" or "polite" conversation are not really black and white anymore.

You weren't shy about saying that a man had to be financially stable. Just add that he needs to be emotionally and physically available as well.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 91 (view)
 
Christmas arguement
Posted: 2/6/2012 3:42:49 PM
I will admit I didn't read all 4 pages of threads before posting, sorry if this is redundant...
when you say:

I guess what makes it more difficult is that he doesn't take criticism very well.
He's disabled, hs had a tough life with a lot of bullying. He does drink a lot. Had I thought about it more carefully I would hve declined the invite.

but he is capable of using his arms, walking, and bouncing on your back. Are you saying he is mentally/emotionally handicapped? Possibly not able to discern what is and is not "socially acceptable"? If so, I believe your only real choice is to keep your distance. If he can't tell "right from wrong", then you can't reason with him intellectually, and can't appeal to his conscience if he's "wired differently".

As the one in control of your faculties and the ability to reason, then it would be your choice to keep a safe distance. IMO.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
TMI
Posted: 1/28/2012 10:27:55 AM
What Landra said.

If she pushes for more, try something like: "when we get to know each other better, I would be happy to unpack all my baggage. For now, let's keep this date about you and me, and leave the ex's behind." That lets her know you are not trying to hide anything, but it's not really any of her business until you are "in a relationship".
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Some kind of code?
Posted: 1/27/2012 5:09:22 PM
It's not just girls that click based only on pictures. I once emailed a guy because his profile had me rolling on the floor laughing, so I thanked him for the great read, even though I clearly was not his "type". He gave a nice, friendly response (but not an Interested response). A few hours later, he came across as wanting to meet me, so I asked him what that was about. I was very new to POF then. He told me that he had been in a self-induced contest to click as many of the cute girls as he could in 5 minutes, and he liked my profile pic.

That was when I understood how valuable the "meet me" feature is--not!

It does, however, bring up some people who are not in my usual matches, so it has some value. Just don't read too much into it. See someone you like, send a message, some will answer, some won't. I think this depends on whether she's ever had one of the crazies who responded back that she was too stupid/desperate/stuck up/blah blah blah to "know a good man when she sees one" and explain ad nauseum why she should not reject a guy she hasn't gotten to know. Get a couple of those under your belt, and you won't be as hung up on courtesy, I'm sorry to say.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Putting off sexual relations until later?
Posted: 1/27/2012 4:29:07 PM

Ladies, are women who put off sex for a much longer amount of time than average most likely not interested in an adventurous sexual relationship? Or are they just waiting for the right person to reveal their most taboo fetishes?


I don't think you generalize on this, and apply the same reasoning to all women. Some are highly sexually charged, and some are not. The willingness to wait, or the insistence to wait, does not necessarily mean that a woman is not active or "adventurous".

However, I believe that most really sexually adventurous women don't generally ask to wait for very long. If they feel the attraction, they don't, as a rule, stand on formalities or moralities. And especially the "taboo fetishists". If they find a like-minded person to whom they are attracted, the ladies I know act on those desires. No real game playing or specified "waiting time".

However, if you are really only going to be satisfied with someone who is "sexually adventurous" you should be pretty open about that early on. No point wasting anyone's time. It's one of those things that is better said early (like posted on your profile). It will immediately weed out ladies who are not like-minded. And save everyone frustration later.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 53 (view)
 
S ex without foreplay...do I stay or do I go?
Posted: 12/20/2011 2:58:10 PM
My second husband was a lot like this guy. A latino, who I think saw me as the easy way to a green card. He was a "1-minute wonder", no foreplay, and when he said "it will only take a minute" that was literal. He was much younger, using me to get legal (I was in a pretty low emotional point when he came along), and pretty obviously had women on the side. Needless to say, he still has no green card, and I am now with men who are reminding me about the throes of passion. If you spend too long with this guy, your desires will wane, and he will rob you of all your "guilty pleasures" in life. He does not, and will not, believe that he is doing anything unsatisfactory, and he will not change. If you want more, you need to break away, get your life in order, and date other people.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Giving advice to someone you are rejecting?
Posted: 12/12/2011 5:53:01 PM
I have only given candid feedback to one guy I barely knew, and that's only because he asked me for it. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible, and told him that my turnoffs might not be the same for someone else.

Ordinarily, though, when you don't know who you are dealing with, nothing good can come from giving unsolicited highly personal advice to someone when you have no idea how they will react to it. This is one of those "If he wants your opinion, he'll ask for it." If he doesn't, just say "It's not working for me, good luck meeting someone" and walk away.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is it OK for a wife to kiss and hug all her male friends.
Posted: 12/12/2011 5:44:53 PM
Is your wife giving a guy a peck on the cheek in front of you really worse than you posting on a dating site that you are divorced and seeking a long-term relationship? I assume she has no knowledge of this profile. Who is passing whose tests?

And as for the kiss on the cheek thing, that depends on what broke you up in the first place. If she was cheating on you or getting too flirty with guys, then maybe she needs better boundaries. If she has never given you reason to be jealous of her friendships, then you are overreacting.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Does she love me?
Posted: 12/7/2011 1:58:24 PM
From your profile:

I despise cheaters and will not tolerate people who do cheat. I have been with people who have done that and I refuse to remain in a relationship with anyone like that


So for 3 years now, she has not spoken to you directly. She has you speak to her family or her lawyer. She had sex during your marriage with multiple men, and has limited your access to your sons. So one wonders how you can
feel deep down in my heart she still loves me and wants me back
and you say you can forgive her, but that is not what you say in your profile.


What should I look for to know she still wants me and is waiting for me?

Sorry, but she does NOT want you, and almost certainly is not waiting for you, since she didn't even wait when you were still married and together. Whatever signs you are looking for, probably not going to happen.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Going well then hit the wall
Posted: 12/7/2011 1:36:24 PM
I would wonder what her relationship with dad is like. I'm 50 years old, and my dad would still disapprove if I let a guy I wasn't married to spend the night at my house when my kids were home. And he would pull the same guilt/reproachful tactics that he did when I was a child. And I'd hear how a real gentleman that truly respects you wouldn't spend the night with you when your dad was there, blah blah blah.

I suspect that her father's opinion matters too much to her. You and her dad got along fine that night. How were things at breakfast the next morning?
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
A polite blowoff?
Posted: 12/6/2011 10:12:27 AM
Hard to say what her motivation is. It could be a warning that anyone who gets involved with her better be a drama-lover, or could be a "don't message me, I'll message you" thing. You didn't say whether she said anything about wanting you to write back.

She could be saying that she is overwhelmed with life right now, and the pressure of getting to know a new person may be too much for her.

Or, and I don't mean this as an insult, your profile is full of contradictions. You like "glitter, puppy dog tails, and axe murder movies"...and your "about me" section kind of continues that contradiction theme. She may be wondering if you are high maintenance, or when you say you are "too shy to initiate contact", then perhaps she feels that you will always need for her to be in the state of mind she is in now, and that you will lose interest when all is going well.

Life is all about risks. Clearly you are willing to accept the bad, but when her life gets better, will you still want her, then? If so, then send her another message, tell her you are not looking to intrude on her life, but you feel like she needs a friend, and you are offering to fill that role if she wants it. Then she will either say "yes" or "no", and you will have your answer to this post.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 20 (view)
 
A child in a man's body or controlling?
Posted: 12/6/2011 9:24:23 AM

At first this guy was sweet, affectionate, caring and so forth however, after a couple of weeks I was feeling suffocated and I told him so. He agreed to stay at his home for a couple of nights a week to 'give me space'


You'd known him a couple of weeks, and were already spending every night together? That sounds to me like two people looking to rush into "a relationship" before getting to really know each other.

Not answering the texts is the smartest thing you've said about this whole thing.

I guess the real question is, if you haven't contacted him in 5 months, what does it matter if he's
A child in a man's body or controlling?
For the record, I'm going to say he's some of both.

For your later posts, I would say slow things down a little. Especially if you have kids living at home (even older ones). Try "dating" a guy old school for a few weeks--don't spend every single day with him until you find out if he's manipulative, controlling, whiney, etc. It's easier to manage those things when you aren't constantly surrounded by the person. Just relax. go out, have fun, get to know each other. Then you can make it more cohabitational if you want.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 40 (view)
 
She won't forgive me!!?
Posted: 12/1/2011 11:05:16 AM
There are so many "wrongs" in this whole story.....

First, the fact that you only see each other for 1 week out of every 3, and she decided to spend what little time you have
texting someone relentlessly for an hour straight
says she was not as in to you as you were to her.

Did you at least ASK who she was texting before checking her phone? Give her the opportunity to confess to it? She probably would not have, but at least it would have given her the chance to start a dialogue about it.

And here's a big RED FLAG warning for ya:
This is a guy she said that she will always love btw
It is extremely difficult to be #1 in a girl's heart if she, at the tender age of 23, is still carrying a torch for a guy she is still in contact with.

Self-control is the mother of all virtues. So this,
I drove home mad and texted her a bunch of mean stuff, calling her a slut and horrible stuff
is a huge Red Flag for her that you have trouble controlling your temper, and that somewhere in deep in your psyche, you may actually believe what you said. I agree with the posters who say that you would never say such a thing to someone you really love. IMO, it leads one to wonder if you have anger management issues that could get uglier under more stressful circumstances.

And the problem with "fighting to be with someone" is that you are the only one fighting. She is trying to walk away as gently as possible. She knows she was wrong, she probably doesn't like confrontation, or else she wouldn't be so nice about trying not to hurt your feelings.

She's done with you. Stop trying. You will only drag it out, make it worse, and eventually get a "no-stalking" order taken out on you.

Next time, date girls that aren't still hung up on their ex's. Make a fresh start with someone who is emotionally available.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 81 (view)
 
How does a shy guy get confidence?
Posted: 11/29/2011 11:05:33 AM
Take dance lessons. Learn a skill that attracts girls, get good enough at it, then you have a common ground to talk about. Starting with the comfort zone of a class environment, where they make you dance and switch partners, you say "Wow, you make that step look easy" or "I thought I'd never get the Tango, but now it's my favorite." Something that opens up conversation. Get to know a lot of ladies, then someone will start organizing going to dance venues--clubs, ballrooms, whatever. A man who can dance is always popular in the right environment. If you can dance, the ladies will ask you! And dance classes always have an excess of ladies. Even if there is no one you are interested in, you get practice talking to new people, you can get live advice from real ladies who've met you, you will develop confidence as you master a new skill that translates to the real world, and you will be more comfortable. You may always be a little introverted, but not scared witless.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
The Move in or there is no relationship ultimatum
Posted: 11/18/2011 3:00:42 PM
FWBs can be very complicated. One person hopes to develop a relationship, the other hopes to just get readily accessible sex.

You don't mention how long you have been with this guy. I will tell you this, though. Love is not dependent on living together 24/7. It kind of happens on its own. Either you are falling in love, or you are not. Where you live or who you live with has no effect on those feelings.

This guy wants you to move in, because he misses having wife and mommy around. I would bet that not only would he expect sex on demand, and meals cooked, and house cleaned, but you would probably also be responsible for the child when it is in the house. And you still would never hear or feel the "I love you's".
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Being stood up
Posted: 11/15/2011 1:54:30 PM
Well, in your profile you say that you are not single, just want friends, not FWB. So I would guess that these guys either figured out that you are a long shot for them, so they either lost interest, got better offers, or figured that since it wasn't a "date", they didn't need to call and cancel.

If you are just looking for company, people to hang with, you would be better off getting involved in a club or something associated with your interests, and meeting people there--an art show, a performance, an art class. Some place where people are coming for reasons besides just meeting you (not that you are not worth meeting--just extra incentive to show up).
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Is This Guy Serious?
Posted: 11/12/2011 9:13:52 AM
The real question seems to be, are YOU serious? From your profile:


I'm straight edge meaning I've never drank, smoked, or ever done drugs nor have I had sexual intercourse because I am saving myself for marriage and my true love.

I suffer from GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) so I tend to worry and stress over the littlest thing so please bear with me. Aside from that I'm a Vampire, who can withstand the daylight but I spend most of my time indoors.


I'm going to guess that he is trying to figure out exactly what a relationship with you would mean. You say you are "straight edge", but have no problem whatsoever dating a guy who is breaking the law by driving without a license.

GAD is not something one should take lightly. Knowing that you are thinking about dating someone who has a huge "anxiety closet" is a daunting thing. Knowing that you will at times be paranoid and irrational, and trying to figure out how to make things better all the time? I hope you are getting treatment for this condition.

Then your profile says you are an unemployed Vampire. That is kind of not an incentive for a first meet....
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Friendly words...
Posted: 11/12/2011 8:42:22 AM
You have to do what makes you comfortable, or else it's just awkward. Some ladies just use those terms of endearment without any meaning behind them. They were raised around people who use them all the time. Some people have memory problems, not necessarily disinterested, but just can't quite get it right.

We are attracted the real you, not some artificial someone you are pretending to be. If you aren't a nickname-user, then don't try to fake it. Just be sincere, and be yourself.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
meeting for the first time
Posted: 11/11/2011 5:08:58 PM
I'm a little confused.

I want to know why is it so hard to get the women to meet for the first time even for something as simple as a cup of coffee?? I get women that show interest in my profile and when I email them I can't even someone to agree to a coffee.


What do you mean "they show interest in your profile"? Are you actually emailing back and forth with these women, or are you seeing that someone "wants to meet you", then asking them to meet you for coffee before you've even exchanged a few messages?


I prefer to interact with someone in person over a computer and if they really feel unsure then bring a friend if it makes them more comfortable. (I've been in situations like that before) But at the very least, have the decency to respond to my email at let me know how you feel or that you want to talk via pof if that's what they want before meeting in person.


Because this sounds like one of the literally thousands of "why won't she respond to my first message" threads that already exist.

If you've been talking and she won't meet you, it's because she isn't comfortable enough yet. I'm not saying you are one of them, but there are some wackos on these sites. If your first message is that you want to meet immediately for coffee, then you are moving too fast for most women. We like to pre-screen, ensure some emotional stability, see if there is anything in common. And if they are simply not responding to first messages, then they are just not interested and you need to move on.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Joint bank accounts in a marriage/relationship
Posted: 11/9/2011 6:52:19 PM
I think some of this is also dependent on the people's ages and stages of life. I think 2 young singles marrying for the first time each are more likely to embrace the "traditional" idea of one joint account. People who are older (and more used to not having to answer to anyone else) seem happier to have the "yours, mine, and ours" accounts. One joint account that each contributes to for bills, and separate accounts for their own use. I'm 50 years old and have been divorced for nearly 20 years. I wouldn't want to ask my husband first if I wanted to buy new clothes or gifts for someone. At this stage in my life, I am too independent, and it causes too many disagreements.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 62 (view)
 
Male friend annoying me
Posted: 11/8/2011 3:56:06 PM
You're going to have to play the "blunt and brutally honest" card.

"Joe, we've talked about this. You are, and always will be in "the friend zone". I have always enjoyed talking/hanging with you, but lately you are making me feel creepy. I don't mean to break your heart, but I do not feel the same about you. I think we need to put some space between us, so you have time to find someone who will feel the same about you as you do about her. But that will never be me.?
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Not to sure what's going on in this situation.
Posted: 10/31/2011 2:56:50 PM
Or, maybe she is telling the truth. Maybe her friend has been trying to hide how serious the illness is, but has finally admitted it before it's too late to see people, or perhaps really needs the help. Maybe she didn't get much notice.

And maybe, her friend in Pennsylvania that she has known for a long time is more important to her than some guy she went out with 3 times.

Maybe she didn't want to get caught up in calls and texts with a guy she hardly knows, so she could make arrangements to rearrange her life and be with a friend who may not have much time left.

Maybe it's all happening very fast for her, kind of like you are pretending your relationship with her did.

If you are interested, then send her occasional emails or texts (and I mean, once every few days, unless she wants more), do like UncleZeus said and keep dating, and if she comes back and you are still interested, then you pick up where you left off. If not, it was only 3 dates, no harm done!
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
How do you break the News ?
Posted: 10/31/2011 2:47:46 PM
If your friend thinks this ancient history is a deal breaker, then he needs to just say "I don't think this is working for me" and walk away. If it is not a deal breaker, then he needs to let it go. If he really wants details, he should wait until she is comfortable enough to reveal them. And I would be with someone a lot longer than a month before I felt like he wouldn't judge me for my past mistakes. Since that is exactly what he is doing....

If he can't let it go, then he should let her go....
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
yahoo, text messaging, and a scammer
Posted: 10/26/2011 4:30:05 PM
I have to admit that I am not a technology genius, but I think the answer may be in your Yahoo IM settings. He's IM'ing you through your Yahoo ID to your phone, somewhere in there I would think you have the ability to go into your yahoo settings and prevent that.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Is she taking me for a fool
Posted: 10/25/2011 3:08:50 PM

so i jus feel like im running out of time

You are 22 years old!!! You have LOTS of time!

This girl does not want a face-to-face relationship. You seem to be some kind of back-up plan, fastasy boyfriend wannabe, that she is keeping around to fill some void in her life. A void that gets filled with texting. There are red flags here, something is not right. Maybe it's her age, weight, gender, something, but the girl wants to string you along as though you have no life and no feelings.

Keep looking, there are lots of real women out there who do want to meet a guy. If you want to stay in texting never-land, that is your choice. But there is no "real" relationship ever forming from this.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Is she lying or am I overanalyzing
Posted: 10/21/2011 12:24:10 PM
First, I agree with the others who say you didn't own her at the time. She should not have lied. You should not have snooped. And you definitely were out of line to call the other number. You should not have gotten so jealous after just one weekend together, you were not exclusive at the time. But, I think we posters are not answering your actual question, which is
But do u think he went up or should I believe her.....


I don't think you can actually believe anything she said about that night, but I also don't believe you have any right to be The Grand Inquisitor. If you can't trust the girl, you don't have a real relationship. If you can't let it go, then you are only delaying the inevitable, and you should break up now before it gets any harder. If you really want to keep the girl, then it's been months now, let it go.

But, while you are complaining about her going on other dates, maybe you should update your profile because it says you are looking for someone else. That's a little double standard, don't you think?
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Never Chase Women Because They Will Lose Arousal
Posted: 10/19/2011 10:39:56 AM
I read the blog. It's talking about a man chasing a woman who is not interested in him. The blog is about how the Bruno Mars song "Grenade" gives guys the wrong idea--that if a woman says no, they should pursue harder. And the blog says that is bad advice. The blog says when a woman is not interested, chasing after her just causes her to lose respect for you.

In THAT context, I agree with the blogger. If a girl dumps you (or you dump her) close that book and move on. No amount of begging, pleading, stalking, calling, emailing, etc will cause someone to love you, if they have already said they don't.

And a man who does that, after I've said no, gets no respect from me. IMO, he also does not respect himself.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
went through a divorce?
Posted: 10/12/2011 2:19:01 PM

Yea, Dial 1800leavethepoorwomanaloneandmovethehellonwithyourlife

TDH, you make me laugh so hard sometimes.....

OT~
If you contact her through this site, I suspect you will learn very quickly what happens when you get blocked by a person. You are ex's for a reason(s), and if she wanted to be in contact with you, she probably would be. Let her go. It's better for both of you.

And, at 46, I doubt "the change" has really hit her hard yet.

And if she
keeps getting used for the same thing
then it is because she is making some choices that bring on that result. Either she has a bad picker, self-esteem problems, commitment issues, or she chooses men that are looking for a quickie. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Let her go....you can't win in this situation....
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Holding back your feelings until you get the thumbs up...
Posted: 10/12/2011 2:02:03 PM
My answer to this would depend on some unknowns. Did he say that he is looking for a long term, committed relationship before she met him, or did he say he was looking to date, "nothing serious"? IMO, it makes a difference.

A second meet is a little early to play the exclusive card, I think. Nice that he told her she wasn't the only one, so she didn't feel misled. After only 2 meetings, he may not know who he wants, or what he wants. If he is not looking for an immediate LTR, then he may not be thinking in terms of "is she the one", because he isn't willing to commit to only one.

Your friend may be in for some disappointment if she expects every guy she meets to stop communicating with all other women just because he is talking to her. Dating involves playing the field a little, not just rushing in to the first person you talk to. And on these sites, I think many people tend to keep their options open until after they have met a person a few times, long enough to see if there is common ground to build a foundation, not just the initial "excitement....expectation".
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 13 (view)
 
First date planned - concerned about vehicle...
Posted: 10/7/2011 10:15:07 AM
I went on a first date once with a guy. He knew he was having car trouble in his BMW, "but it always started before, eventually!" He didn't mention any of this when we got into his car, and drove somewhere a few blocks away, leaving my car at the meetup spot. His car did not restart, he asked me to help him push it home, and THEN told me the part about how it had been having trouble starting.

I don't care what kind of car a person drives, as long as I don't have to push it home!

Drive with pride to the meetup, if you feel the need to explain your truck, then do. If not, then don't. Relax and have a good time!
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
FIRST DATE: MEET JUST FOR DRINKS OR DINNER?
Posted: 9/30/2011 5:07:47 PM
People use people. It is unfortunate, but true. Even just going for drinks can add up after awhile. I looked at a few profiles about where they would go for first dates, that didn't cost money, before I put mine up. I am fortunate to live near a river that includes a jogging trail as part of a national park. It's free, there are lots of benches, we can sit and watch boats or walk along and look at the National Monuments across the river....

If we are going to dinner and he picks, he usually also says it is "his treat". If he tells me to pick, I either pick something I can afford, or I say "Money is a little tight this week. How about a picnic by the river?". He usually then offers to treat.

Really read the profiles. The ones who say "meet for coffee" or suggest something unconventional or inexpensive are the ones who will not get offended by not going to dinner. There are a lot of women out there who do use dates to get meals that they could never afford, or who take whatever they think they can get from you.

It also depends on what kind of woman you are asking. "Trophy women" come with a price., usually anyway.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Help! Profiles with only head shots are throwing me off!
Posted: 9/30/2011 3:29:39 PM
Put something on your profile. "I want to see a full body shot before we meet, and I will provide the same." "I prefer women of average size. I hope that doesn't sound shallow, but I do not want to waste your time."

We fat chicks actually appreciate getting that taken care of upfront. We don't want to waste time messaging a guy who is going to reject us on first sight, leave the meet spot without even approaching, go to the restroom and not return, etc. And it helps those of us who are confident enough to make the first move know who not to contact.

Really, blunt honesty is much kinder .
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
misrepresenting me falsely
Posted: 9/27/2011 9:14:55 AM
You are a 40 year old gay man, having a "long distance friendship" with a teenage boy? And you are saying HE has a mental sickness?

His actions sound like a jilted lover's revenge. Immature, yes. But I know of women scorned who act the same way. I think you are not telling us everything about your relationship, and you are looking for an excuse to hurt back or justify why you think it is appropriate for a 40 year old man to be trolling the ranks of teenage boys.
 
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