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 Author Thread: Is this too forward of me...?
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Is this too forward of me...?
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:54:08 AM
It really depends on the individual. It's definitely not my preference, I'd rather take the time getting to know someone online, to determine if it's worth it to take the next step and meet in person. But from what I understand, I'm definitely in the minority in that respect. I think maybe it has a lot to do with levels of comfort with online communications, in relation to age--I'm a geek, studied computer engineering in college, and have been using the internet (and BBSes and MOOs) since the early-to-mid 90s, so I'm pretty comfortable with it, I grew up with it.

The thing to be really wary of, though, is that many guys will interpret the rush to meet as an indication that you're looking for a hookup. If you're not, you may want to take it a bit slower than you'd prefer, just to reduce that impression.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 202 (view)
 
Who You Attract vs Who You're Attracted To
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:24:08 AM
I tend to attract women who love country music. I can't stand country music (got no problem with people who listen to it, but I'd prefer to date someone with similar tastes).

As for physical attraction...well, depends where I look. On one dating site I use, about 70% of the women on the site are Filippina, so on that site I don't have an especially difficult time attracting the type I tend to be attracted to, because they tend to be abundant there. On this site, on the other hand, well, it's hard to tell whether I attract any at all. But of the two women who have initiated contact with me since I created my account, one was definitely my type (5'2", Cambodian), and beautiful and seemed intelligent and interesting, though without much in the way of common interests. The other was attractive, but not really a type I especially like (tall, blonde) but probably most men would find hot; I kinda pegged her profile as fake, but still exchanged a few messages, which didn't really go anywhere, till she stopped responding.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
How long is to long to ask a guy to wait in order to meet you?
Posted: 4/17/2012 5:09:47 AM
Depends on the individual. Personally, I prefer to take things slowly, chat online for a while, get to know each other somewhat before meeting. But I know most people want to rush it, so I'm adaptable. There isn't really a "too long", as long as there's a good reason for waiting, and you're still maintaining communication. But some people have shorter attention spans than others, and some may lose interest quickly.

For me, I'd prefer to plan meeting at least 2 weeks in advance. On the other hand, well, I have a friend/crush I've known since 1993, and we still haven't had a chance to meet yet (she lives in Seattle; I lived in Toronto when we first got to know each other), but I'm still interested when the opportunity arises. But that's probably an extreme case. It kinda depends whether you approach the meet as a date, or as a potential friendship/romance. A date is kind of instant gratification, even though it can lead to something more, so you want to get to it more quickly. A relationship, of whatever kind, takes time to develop, and requires a bit of commitment or at least attention span, to enable it to develop.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
do women have a problem with dating deaf guys?
Posted: 3/30/2012 6:43:50 AM
It's a barrier, that makes communication more difficult, which can be an impediment to dating. But there are people who are willing to make the effort, and probably others who simply think it's too much work. I have a friend who is deaf, and communicating with him can be difficult in some situations. But he's been successful at dating and is now happily married.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Not Willing to Put Equal Effort into Traveling
Posted: 3/30/2012 6:25:44 AM
It really depends on the situation. I think in your case, you're being pretty reasonable, and it's an easy way to filter out potential relationships that probably aren't going to work out because the other person isn't willing to put the effort in. But on the other hand, the person may have legitimate reasons for it.

In my case, I live in the boonies but I'm looking for someone in town, about an hour away. I just think it would be better, for many reasons--especially because there's really almost nothing around here, and especially nothing to do if you don't drive, but it does create issues with respect to that. Since it's my preference, I don't mind traveling to meet them more, but I'm disabled, can't drive due to my condition, and public transit is difficult for me, so it would be considerably more effort on my part, and would mean not getting together as often, if I'm the one doing all the traveling. It also pretty much limits me to daytime dates, until we get serious enough for me to spend the night (due to the lousy bus service out to where I live).

If they give a lame excuse, well, it probably just means they don't want to put in the effort. But there's always the possibility that there's some other reason behind it. There's no point wasting your time, but try to keep an open mind too.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 75 (view)
 
When is it too late to have babies?
Posted: 3/25/2012 5:50:27 AM
True, it can be hard to experience that. But you can have a child at 15 and still not live to see them graduate kindergarten. Some people live long lives, others are taken way too soon. But it's nothing you can predict generally, and it's not something you should plan your life around.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
what is your opinion on long distance dating
Posted: 3/22/2012 5:28:06 AM
Not a fan. Tried it a few times in my youth, and it's really hard to keep the passion up in a relationship if you can't get together frequently. Currently, I'm only looking for someone local...but if she's in town regularly, say a few times a week, then I guess it could work out for a while. But she'd be the one doing all the traveling, as I don't really have the ability to do it. Eventually one of us would have to move closer to the other.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 85 (view)
 
How many people have you met in person??
Posted: 3/22/2012 5:17:16 AM
Been on this site, oh, a little less than a year. Haven't met anyone through the site yet--I tend to only contact those I find really interesting, so I may have missed some of those who are less discriminating--but I have found a few people on here I know from elsewhere and have met (but would like to date as well).
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Men, please tell me what you think? Does age matter?
Posted: 3/22/2012 5:07:46 AM
I'd really prefer not to date someone older than me. I find it's difficult for me to relate even to most women my own age, and aside from that, I find it much less common for me to be attracted to women older than the age I happen to be at currently. That said, I have found a few women on this site and elsewhere who are older than me, but who are very attractive, and whom I would be interested in dating, but with whom I wouldn't see much potential for a long-term relationship (nor do I really want a serious long-term relationship with someone older than me, right now anyway...I might feel different in 10 or 15 years).
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 102 (view)
 
How young is too young?
Posted: 12/23/2011 3:46:31 AM

I'm 34 and have had a ton of younger guys interested. I think for most men, age doesn't matter and the recent take in society about "cougars" has really fueled the interest lol


You could also easily pass for 24 though. Just a chance that may be part of it. If I saw you, as you look now, when I was, say, 14, I definitely would have wanted to date you (keeping in mind, of course, that when I was 14, looks were all that really mattered).

Personally, for me...for casual dating or sex, age doesn't really matter. There are plenty of people considerably older than me even whom I find attractive and sexy (not nearly as many as there are younger than me, but still...). But for a serious relationship, it does matter more. I want to find someone to grow old with, not someone who's already old to me (but I've got no problem with me having a 20 year head start).

Life experience is a funny thing though. Some people get more life experience in one year than others get in 50 years. Some people could be said to have a lot, or very little, depending on your perspective. It does play a role in defining who we are. But I don't think it should necessarily be the defining feature in determining compatibility, but simply one of a number of factors. It can play a very major or a very minor role, depending on the natures of the individuals involved, the nature of their life experiences, their maturity levels, and so on.


Of course, I've known far more mature men at age 27 than one at 37--it goes both ways, but in general--the younger the more immature :)


General wisdom is that maturity comes with age, but likewise, that doesn't correspond to my own experience. My own experience is that maturity comes with wisdom.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
what do you think of a girl who never had a bf?
Posted: 12/22/2011 3:31:36 AM
Perfect match for me. I've only had 1 date since puberty.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 66 (view)
 
My personality does not match my age!
Posted: 12/21/2011 4:06:10 AM

Why is it so hard to find a guy around my age who can appreciate what a "cursed seal" is?


Hey, I'm just across the Strait here.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 97 (view)
 
feminine man
Posted: 12/20/2011 3:20:23 AM

Gay guys : Dress in girls clothes, get pedicures, manicures, always have to have their hair perfect, wear make up, walk gay, talk gay, act gay, wear girly fashionable stuff like the fluffy feather things around their necks, overly anal about having everything clean and in place, basically gay guys act like women without a vagina.




I should totally send that list to my dad's cousin and his husband, my best friend and his boyfriend, my second best friend and his husband, and my MP and his husband, so they know how they're supposed to act.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Dating a sports fan?
Posted: 12/18/2011 4:49:13 AM
I'm definitely not a sports fan, except for cycling and to a certain extent, soccer. I like it when my local team wins, but other than that, I really don't give a toss. But I'm finding it quite difficult to find ladies around here who aren't rabid Canucks fans. I guess I could manage to date someone who is, but really they'd remind me far too much of my dad.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
i need some honest opinions ..
Posted: 12/17/2011 5:21:57 AM
As always with this question (and other similar ones), it comes down to individuals. Some men are into it, some aren't, some have preferences one way or another, and for some it's not a factor.

For me, it depends on the individual. Some I'd date, some I wouldn't. Some I find attractive despite their size. Some I find unattractive because of it. Some I find unattractive for reasons not related to their size. And even a rare few I find more attractive because of it. Generally, although I do have preferences (I like fit, athletic women best--not bodybuilders, but just well-toned, some muscle, and strong; prefer chubby/curvy over skinny, but some of the women I like (some of my major crushes) are skinny, and I like them just the way they are), shape/size/body type is not really a factor in itself, though it can have an effect on physical attraction (it does show in the face, usually in unflattering ways...though I found a woman on this site the other night whose chubby face is extremely cute...I definitely might not be as attracted to her if she were thinner).

If she's confident about it (regardless of how she actually feels about it, if she's accepting of the fact that that's the way she is currently, and isn't ashamed of it, even if she wants to change it), that's definitely a plus.

In your case specifically: yes. You're attractive, so I'd certainly be interested. Except I can't stand country (except for a couple of songs) (and music is a huge part of my life, too).
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 46 (view)
 
How far are you willing to go on a date?
Posted: 12/17/2011 4:45:57 AM

Hoping this one is a joke. Maybe I need more detail to understand it.


More or less, yes. I wouldn't ask or expect a woman to do that (but if she wanted to take me along on a trip, I'd be delighted to accompany her--thus, in that sense it's not a joke, I would travel 10000 miles or more on a date). But I only make $900 a month, so airfare (for 1 even, let alone 2) to most places in the world is kinda out of my reach, at least without some major sacrifices.

It's also a joke in reference to women who put as their first date preference on their profile, something along the lines of "breakfast in Milan, dinner in Paris". Sounds good to me.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Would you date a post-op transsexual woman?
Posted: 12/16/2011 5:06:28 AM
I would--not you specifically, you're about the same age as my parents, and I'm looking for someone a few years younger than me, and certainly not 19 years older--though I much prefer pre/non-ops. One of my top crushes (I have 4 top crushes whom I like equally) is a post-op trans woman (she's also a celebrity though, and a professional athlete (Thai kickboxer), so she's probably out of my league...but she's sweet at least). However, I'm ideally looking for something a little different than most women are looking for, but I'd be open to a monogamous relationship with the right woman, regardless of if she's cisgendered or transgendered.

You'll probably find that many men out there will have difficulty accepting you as a woman. But no more so on PoF than anywhere else online or in life, except maybe some specialized transgender dating sites (I'm on a couple, you can message me if you want to know them, but I don't think either offers much promise--I changed my mail settings to make sure you can contact me if you want). I don't have any difficulty with that personally, and I try to do my part to help change that attitude, but it's a slow and laborious process.

You're probably not wasting your time here, unless you're like me and lose track of the time when you're on the site. But you probably shouldn't get your hopes up too much. Just use this site and any others as potential venues through which to meet someone, don't put too much hope or too much effort into it--as others have said, you're probably in a needle-in-a-haystack situation, so your best bet probably is to be looking in as many haystacks as possible.

Best of luck with your search.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 40 (view)
 
How far are you willing to go on a date?
Posted: 12/16/2011 4:18:56 AM
Depends how advanced the relationship is. I'm looking for someone in the city, but I live in a rural area about a 45 minute drive from downtown. So for a first meet or first date, or early in a relationship, about that (except I can't drive, so it'd be more like 1-1.5 hours on the bus). But if we've been dating a while, and it's really going well, I could certainly see us going on a 2 or 3 week date somewhere in Asia or Europe, though she'd likely have to pay for most of it.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 111 (view)
 
Rap Music
Posted: 12/14/2011 5:46:55 AM

Among the people that have music taste as a requirement / dealbreaker, I think the majority of time it is based on broad generalizations. Some of the responses on this thread are examples of this.


That's certainly true. In fact, I would say that's the fundamental basis of this thread. The OP's question, more precisely expressed, would be "Would you discriminate against or stereotype someone on the basis of the music they enjoy?"

The truth is, there are many hardwired stereotypes ingrained in many cultures regarding musical taste. Many are racial or socio-economic in origin. Generally, there is enough accuracy within a given population to these stereotypes to sustain them, but they are still only broad generalizations.

On the flipside though, there are many people who include those stereotypes as part of the subculture and lifestyle associated with the music they like.

Have to admit, I do it myself with country, even though I know there are exceptions. The only girl I've managed to get a date with so far was into country, and she was very far from any stereotypes of a country music fan (she was Trini, for starters, and just as much into Bollywood pop). But I also can't stand country, so in a way it's easier to use the stereotypes as an excuse. That said, country seems to frequently be associated with quadding, 4x4ing, dirtbiking, and hunting, at least on POF, and though this is also in some ways a stereotype, and there may be exceptions, I tend not to get along well with people who are interested in those sorts of activities (except maybe if they feed me venison ).


I would think that anyone, regardless of the music they like would want to be subjected to music blaring at 3 a.m. Big band could be annoying at that hour when you are trying to sleep, yes?


Personally, I love blasting music at 3am (though not in a residential area, where people might be trying to sleep). 30kw sound system, 20kw subs, pair of 12s and a stack of vinyl (or a laptop and Ableton, as the case may be), always sounds like a good time to me. Especially if I'm behind the decks.


(After all, my mum never said the Clash were sh!t, I would have hated her if she did....)


Well, yes, but if someone said that, of course they're either lying, or they simply haven't heard them enough, or loud enough... Luckily for me though, my mom grew up on early punk and metal, so I never had that problem. We went to a Ramones concert together--she's a bigger fan of them than I am.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Do you have a Car question
Posted: 12/13/2011 5:43:10 AM

I moved from Ontario to BC and if I were to drive back, I'd expect to take a week at least, and it's not even as long a distance as Florida ---> BC.


True, but you do save a lot of time going through the US, not having to go around the Great Lakes.

I think it was about 5 days when we moved back out here in '98 from Toronto. But more like 7 days when we moved from BC to Ottawa in '83.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 77 (view)
 
feminine man
Posted: 12/12/2011 4:39:44 AM

I hear ya, No Transgenders for me. I go for 100% female, I like strong confident women that don't look like a muscle man but like females toned cut.


Ya, I know not everyone's into them...for me it doesn't really matter, I like the same qualities in both ciswomen and transwomen, and don't have a preference. And ya, strong, confident, not like a body builder but nicely toned is so hot, totally agree there.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 179 (view)
 
LYING ABOUT AGE ON DATING PROFILE!
Posted: 12/12/2011 4:29:19 AM

Tell that to someone who is 18 and someone who is 88--of course it is relevant.


Well, ok, yes, there are certain specific ages where the number is, in fact relevant, generally for legal reasons. But the specific numbers are, for the most part, fairly arbitrary--it still has no specific meaning or relevance. 16 (age of consent here, and legal age to marry and drive); 18 (legal adult here, drinking age in Quebec); 19 (drinking age here); 21 (drinking age in much of the US); 55/65 (retirement age, depending on jurisdiction); every year after 90.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 172 (view)
 
LYING ABOUT AGE ON DATING PROFILE!
Posted: 12/11/2011 5:11:31 AM

Age isn't just a number, I've believed that in the past but I don't anymore. You can make too big a deal out of age to be sure but to say it's completely irrelevant is absurd as well. It's part of what defines you, if you deny that then you're avoiding reality.


The number itself is basically irrelevant. It's the life lived that lies behind that number that defines a person. But different people live different lives, and different people have different life experiences, and age differently, within the same number of years. That is what makes us who we are, not the number of years we've lived.

At best, the age allows for generalizations and approximations, and categorization. There's nothing remotely exact about it, but it's usually easier to generalize with exceptions, than to cover an entire range of possibilities. I've noticed, for example, that my attraction to women tends to decline significantly as they pass a point usually sometime between 30 and 35, yet some women already look 45 by the time they hit 30, and some get to 40 still looking like they're 25. So age is a useful tool for me to indicate whom I'm more likely or less likely to be interested in, but it's at best imprecise.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Did I really get dumped over a hockey team!!?
Posted: 12/11/2011 4:35:00 AM
Ya, lotsa fans are pretty passionate about their team...and Toronto fans would likely be especially sensitive, given the poor performance of the team in recent years. So I can definitely see him being fairly deeply offended by that remark. That, combined with the big rivalry between Toronto and Montreal, might be enough to cause him to lose interest if he's a serious fan.

Though I can't say I really understand it myself. I'd rather dump the team and keep the good lookin' lady.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 67 (view)
 
feminine man
Posted: 12/10/2011 5:17:41 AM
I would date the masculine female, I'm attracted to strong personality females. I find them sexy :-)


Agreed. I'm not attracted to masculine-*looking* women. However, one of my top crushes is the 1998 Thai national kickboxing champion (Nong Toom--she's a transwoman). She's like a perfect balance to me--sweet, beautiful, sexy, very feminine, yet both physically and mentally strong, tough, confident. I really admire that, and find it very attractive.

On the other hand...so many women around here seem to be hardcore fans of watching hockey, football, baseball, UFC...no interest in those, personally. Seems to be hard to find a good fit.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 164 (view)
 
LYING ABOUT AGE ON DATING PROFILE!
Posted: 12/10/2011 4:51:33 AM

Age is just a number theory just went out the window in this forum


I think it's still valid, but everyone has different tolerances, and it's up to each individual to decide their own level of tolerance. And that can't happen if some people are being dishonest.

Personally, most of my friends are in their mid-to-late 20s. I tend to get along with them better than people my own age, and have more common interests and such. And I think it would be better for me to date someone in that age range. But I'm not going to try to pass myself off as being 10 years younger than I am, just because I fit better with that age range. I'm sure some of them wouldn't want to date someone my age, no matter how alike we are. And some of them might be too immature for me (though maturity doesn't seem to have much to do with age--I have a few friends around 17-18 who are much more mature than many people my age). By the same token though, although I'm primarily looking for someone between 16 and 35 (prefer 19-30), I treat everyone as an individual. I don't have an age restriction for contacting me, because I'd certainly consider making an exception if I found, say a 37 year old, who is a great match for me, and looks young and attractive. But I would generally expect most women my age to be at a different stage of life for me, which is something I'd want to take into account. So I'd want it to be my decision, not hers by deception, as to whether I think it's worth going to the effort.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Would someone even be in meeting me with this issue?
Posted: 12/9/2011 6:56:57 AM
I have motor neuron disease, so I have similar limitations, and it wouldn't be too much of a problem for me to date someone who also has them (though if we were together long-term it might become problematic later in life). Personally, I feel it best to disclose it in my profile, though I'm sure it eliminates many potential partners who might be fine with it if they met me first. I actually do enjoy a lot of physical activities, though I have difficulty walking, and not a lot of energy. I certainly have no intention of giving up on the possibility of dating though, even if my condition does limit my options (especially in this outdoor playground here).

Consider getting a mobility aid like a scooter. Even if the condition is temporary, it may be of significant benefit to you, and worth the investment.

As for the condition...your cursory description is reminiscent of ALS, though of course there are many other things it could be. There isn't really a specific diagnostic test for ALS, but but if you haven't already been, you might consider asking your doctor for a referral to a neurologist.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 47 (view)
 
feminine man
Posted: 12/8/2011 5:10:27 AM
I've got a friend who's only attracted to tall, skinny, effeminate gay men. Which sucks for me, because I like her a lot and would like to date her, but I'm about average height, chubby, masculine, and somewhat bi-ish but straight where it counts. But I imagine it sucks even more for her.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 55 (view)
 
My personality does not match my age!
Posted: 12/8/2011 4:58:05 AM
Yep. We're a lot a like in fact. Most of my interests would generally be associated with someone more like half my age than my own age (though there are women out there my age with similar interests). Anime, electronic music, gaming. Gaming isn't such a huge part of my life that I'd absolutely need to date a gamer, but it would sure be nice to have someone to spend time with in-game when we're not doing stuff together. But electronic music definitely is.

It's a little bit different for me though. My life has kinda been on hold, in part due to illness, for the past decade, so I'm still at the stage in life where I'd like to find someone to settle down with and maybe start a family after a few years--hopefully before I get too old for that. So I wouldn't have issues dating someone younger than me...but finding someone younger than me who would want to date me is another matter. Even if I was as attractive as you, that'd be a challenge. But still, it would be better to find someone close to my age (I'd prefer a few years younger--just personal preference) who is of like mind.

You do look pretty amazing though. I could certainly see myself dating you, but probably not for a long term thing...we are at kinda different stages of life, and looking for different things, though we have quite a bit in common.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
age appropriate attire...
Posted: 12/7/2011 5:29:47 AM
When she no longer looks cute in them.

That said, I think people should wear what they like and feel comfortable in, and not worry too much about what others think. I mean, without being disrespectful or anything--a person shouldn't be walking around nude unless they have a body that the majority of people are gonna enjoy seeing. But when it comes to fashion sense, it's an expression of a person's personality and individuality (or at least it can be, for those who opt to not follow the herd), and to me, that seems more attractive than dressing "normal" or age-appropriate.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 89 (view)
 
worst date u went on
Posted: 12/7/2011 4:04:02 AM
Only date I've ever been on. Prom night, second last year in high school. Rented a hotel room with a bunch of friends, the same place the prom was being held. My date wasn't planning on staying the night though. She was up in the room, relaxing a bit because she wasn't feeling too well, and I was down in the banquet hall for a bit, and a friend came down and told me she wouldn't wake up. I went up to check, and she was barely responsive. Tried all sorts of ideas to wake her up, finally had to call her parents, and call an ambulance for her. Took her to the hospital, where she regained consciousness about an hour later.

Turned out she was anemic, and didn't know it, and the combination of that, and a gravol her friend had given her, and the 1 or 2 beers she drank, plus her small size, made her lose consciousness.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Rap Music
Posted: 12/3/2011 6:04:59 AM

I think music taste would be a trivial reason not to date someone.


It would be a big deal for me, because music is a huge part of my life. It's my main career, it's my #1, #2 and #3 hobbies, and I'm hoping to find someone to share that love with. We don't have to exactly match--lots of the women I like are into dubstep, for example, which I'm really not feeling; one is even one of the top dubstep/glitch-hop producers on the west coast. But if she loves house, or techno, or jungle, or 'ardkore, we're good, even if she loves dubstep too, or even top 40 or country.

I could date someone who doesn't love any of those, as long as she's open-minded about music. I'm pretty open-minded, I like a lot of genres beyond those that are my passion and my life. But some I just have a very low tolerance for. But to me, common tastes in music and food are some of the most important factors in a successful relationship (aside from actually liking each other, of course).
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 521 (view)
 
Women with multiple cats - sign of mental illness?
Posted: 12/3/2011 5:29:40 AM
I'm not a woman, but we have multiple cats because we have a mother (who is feral, but lives on our property and we take care of her) and her offspring (she escaped from the vet when we took her to be spayed, and showed up here a week later, pregnant--we opted to keep them together as a family). The dynamic between them as a family is very strong.

I would be more likely to think that not liking cats would be a sign of a mental illness. I mean, they're cute, cuddly, loving, warm...who wouldn't appreciate that?


And any cat owner knows you don't own cats. You're just the unpaid help to make sure the food dish is full and open the door when they want to go out.


Yep. Cats don't have owners. They have staff.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 99 (view)
 
Love her mind, but her body repulses me
Posted: 12/3/2011 5:10:54 AM

Ahhhh...so you got yourself a "BUTTERFACE".

(one of those women where everything looks good, BUT ER FACE)


More or less, ya...wouldn't say everything looks good, but I'm fine with it...and the only other issues are related to her condition--not gonna hold that against her.


Well, a face is the first thing you see on a person, so it's not like you did not notice it.
If her face bothers you, why did you get involved?

I mean, even body issues can be changed or worked on, but a persons freaking FACE is what it is.


I didn't. We're just friends. I don't choose my friends based on what they look like. However, I've known her for several years, and have developed romantic feelings for her, in spite of the lack of physical attraction.

I'm not the one seeking advice in this thread, I was only using my own case to reinforce the advice that others gave here. Don't lead her on, let her down easy but succinctly. Anything else will only hurt her more in the long run.


No twisting required. These are your own words. If you meant something other than what you wrote, you should have written that instead.


Those were my words. What I meant by them is that I love her, I care about her, and I enjoy her company and her friendship. But I don't want to break her heart.

Didn't really think I needed to spell that out.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 84 (view)
 
Love her mind, but her body repulses me
Posted: 12/2/2011 5:12:00 AM
I think you're misinterpreting what I meant by that. I meant that despite the lack of physical attraction, I'm willing to do all of those things if she wants to, because of my feelings for her (and no, I wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with her, even in a romantic situation), but I don't want to do anything that would hurt her. As for hanging out, and going out, she's a good friend, and I enjoy her company.


What on earth do you consider a "romantic relationship"??


Basically, I want to be proactive in avoiding the sort of situation the OP finds himself involved in, where she feels there's a potential for a lasting relationship, and ends up getting hurt.


So, just what IS the issue?


I dunno...she's just really not to my tastes. I'm fine with her body, I just find her face unattractive. Note that I never (as far as I can recall) used the term "repulsive". Unattractive is the strongest word I would use in reference to her, and even that I dislike using.


i think he's full of bullchit too.......


You're welcome to your opinion...but you know what they say about opinions.

Just to be clear, my situation is not exactly the same as the OP's. I haven't slept with or had sex with this woman. We're just good friends. I'm the one with the romantic feelings. I don't even know if the romantic feeling is mutual. And for all I know, she may not be attracted to me either. Yes, I do feel sorry for her, for many reasons, not all of which I've mentioned here. But that's not why I care about her, nor why I love her.

Anyway, I guess I wouldn't say that after all, since so many people here seem to think it means the opposite of what I intended it to mean. If it can be twisted around and reinterpreted as demeaning, then I guess it's best avoided.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Love her mind, but her body repulses me
Posted: 12/1/2011 6:55:50 AM
I know. I can't believe the kind of heartless cruelty that she's had to deal with in her life. From kids--she was also teased in school because her mother was in a wheelchair, and later died (due to MS)--as well as adults who really should know better (but my experience is that maturity often doesn't come with age). That's actually a factor in this--she's been through so much, and I really do care about her, and want to stand up for her, so I feel guilty about not wanting to date her.

I wouldn't say she lets others shape her self-image--not any more anyway. I mean she knows that others tend to find her unattractive. But she's kinda taken a stand, and basically decided that her physical appearance, and what people think of it, doesn't matter, what matters is what's inside.

I figure most teasing and bullying stems from the bully's own insecurities, although it's not always plainly obvious. Often, I think it's just that they feel that things in their life are beyond their control--they feel powerless, and so they latch onto an opportunity to feel like they have some power, some control, by having some dominance over another person. I think the same is true in both adults and kids, though it's more common for kids to feel powerless, because they generally are.

I was bullied in elementary school too, but it wasn't so much teasing or psychological bullying, it was mostly just physical (other than him calling me gay and stuff). So I've been there to some extent. But the only effect it really had on me was to inspire me to become strong, and study martial arts, and learn to defend myself. But it still gives me some insight into what other victims of bullying feel--and also into bullies themselves.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Virtual World relationships
Posted: 12/1/2011 6:22:10 AM
Really depends on the individual, and their comfort levels and definitions of cheating and stuff.

I did the cybersex thing on BayMOO back in high school. There were a few women I really liked, but I did it with a lot of women, because to me it was fun, it was kind of like having a date, but it wasn't real, didn't really matter. One woman I did it with a lot, was married, her husband was away a lot. To her it was a way of enjoying the intimacy she missed when he was away, without being unfaithful. But to other people, it could easily be considered cheating.

There were also at least 3 women I cybered with whose mothers I also cybered with.

Needless to say I've matured a lot since then. I no longer have any interest in cybersex. But to me, those were friendships, sometimes crushes, but never really meaningful beyond that.

I do know people whose relationships have been harmed by their interactions in these places...in MOOs and MUDs, MMOGs, SL. But I also know people who have met in these places, gotten married, have a happy life together.

Personally, I don't put much value into interpersonal relations in these places now, beyond the net-friend status. But I do enjoy MMORPGs regularly, and still pop into BayMOO and SL now and then. I'd like someone who would at least join me in MMOs, especially if we don't live together--it's another way we can date, spend time together. If a person I'm dating is heavily involved in SL or something (I doubt anyone's heavily involved in BayMOO these days--it's almost 20 years old and text-based), I'd want them to be honest and open about it. But I wouldn't be bothered if they cyber now and then, as long as they're able to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and prioritize reality.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 60 (view)
 
Love her mind, but her body repulses me
Posted: 12/1/2011 6:04:12 AM

How many of us make a real friend who has most of the attributes that we would want in a partner but for one reason or another we just can't see ourselves in a physical relationship with them? They don't have to have a huge hump on their backs to find yourself really turned off by them physically, and you think about it a lot because you worry that you are being so superficial. To see someone who has come so close yet you just can't cross that line is frustrating and not easy to solve. You want to be kind, you want to just be honest, yet on a selfish level you think what if I lose my chance with happiness? This is a different issue then just feeling ho hum about someone...

But in the end you do need to let them know. I was asked point blank if I would ever want to date them, I had to suck it up and tell them that no, I could never see myself in a relationship with them. I think that in itself was enough to help them move on.


Well said, that pretty much nails it. Though I'm not sure it's necessary to let the person know unless the question actually comes up. In my particular example, she knows full well that she's not considered especially attractive--she was bullied in school because of it, and still gets teased about it as an adult, by other adults. So I think being straightforward about it without any specific reason to do so would just add to her hurt. But if she asked me directly, I guess I would have to be honest (but as gentle as possible of course) and tell her that, although I'm happy to hang out with her, go out with her, make out with her, hug her, cuddle with her, snuggle with her, or make love to her, I can't see a romantic relationship working out because I can't get past my lack of physical attraction to her. Or something like that. Making sure to emphasize that it's my problem, not hers. And if she brings it up, that it's not because of her condition (she has neurofibromatosis, which does affect appearance, but it's at most a minor part of the issue).
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
With or without pets
Posted: 12/1/2011 5:32:40 AM
Doesn't matter to me, but if they do have pets, it's definitely best if I get along with their pets. I'd rather a woman I date not have any venomous or otherwise dangerous pets though, or just creepy ones. Tarantulas, and scorpions, and venomous snakes are cool in the wild...but I'd prefer not to share a bedroom with one.

I have cats, so she would have to at least tolerate them. But I live with my parents, and out in the boonies, so if she was allergic it wouldn't necessarily be an issue.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 56 (view)
 
When is it too late to have babies?
Posted: 11/30/2011 5:19:53 AM
On the other hand, when I was younger, people often thought my mom was my sister. Not that she had me that young--she had me at 20.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Love her mind, but her body repulses me
Posted: 11/30/2011 5:14:26 AM
As others have said, don't lead her on. Just wish her the best.

I understand the situation all too well, I have the same situation with one of my friends. I absolutely adore her; if I was attracted to her at all, I'd totally want to marry her. She's a wonderful, sweet girl. But I don't want to have a romantic relationship with her, because I know in the long run I'd end up hurting her. I wouldn't cheat on her, ever, but just the fact that I find her unattractive, no matter how hard I try to hide it, over time she'd notice and that'd hurt her.

So instead, I just hope that she finds someone who cares about her as much as I do, AND finds her pretty too. After all, different people have different tastes. And if I can help her find someone like that, I'm happy to do so in any way I can.

So my advice is to do the same as me. Be a friend, don't break her heart, continue to care about her, but don't lead her on and make her think it's going to work. And who knows, maybe a few years down the road something will change, and you'll be attracted to her. Hasn't happened to me with this girl yet (I've known her for about 5 or 6 years), but there are other girls I'm attracted to now whom I used to not be attracted to.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Pets First, Relationship Second In Doling Out The Love?
Posted: 11/30/2011 4:57:26 AM
I figure people and their pets come as a package. A pet is entirely dependent on us, unconditionally trusting and loving, and to me, part of the family.

To me, asking someone to give up their pet for me would be like asking them to give up their child for me. There's no way I could ask that.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 11/30/2011 4:53:14 AM
It's only impossible if you base your friendships solely on sexual attraction.

I have many female friends. Some of them I am physically and/or emotionally attracted to, but that's not the basis for our friendship, nor does it mean that we're going to jump in the sack at the drop of a hat. In fact, I've never had sex with any of them, and I'm only interested in casual sex with one of them. Others I might be interested in a romantic relationship, but it's not likely to happen, which is why I'm on this site. But none of that is the basis for our friendships, none of that is why we're friends. Our friendships are based on community (old friends from high school and elementary school), common interests (electronic music, gaming, anime), familiarity (my best friend's little sisters--they're almost like sisters to me), and so on.

Even on this site, I've contact some women--attractive women even--whom I wasn't interested in dating, but was simply interested in friendship and going for a bike ride now and then.

The key here is to separate your friendships from your casual dating. You can easily be just friends with single guys, but once you start dating them or sleeping with them, it becomes something else. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Why on Earth.....
Posted: 11/29/2011 4:48:55 AM
I have quite a number of friends (mostly female though) whose relationship status indicates that they're in a relationship with, or even married to, their best friend. Or one of their close friends. And one who was apparently married to her effects processor.

In other words, for a lot of people, relationship status on Facebook is utterly meaningless. Aside from the fact that he may have inadvertently set it to that, or neglected to change it after a previous relationship, the relationship he's listed as being in may not be a romantic or sexual relationship, or may not be with a human being.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 52 (view)
 
When is it too late to have babies?
Posted: 11/28/2011 5:13:11 AM

And FYI, having a younger mom won't keep classmates and their parents from thinking the older dude is grandpa.


Ya, that doesn't make any difference to me...I just want someone who maybe wants to start having kids in a few years or so. Besides, if someone thought I was the grandpa, they'd certainly consider me the coolest grandpa they'd ever met.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 25 (view)
 
mostly bald.... but with long hair? is this attractive??
Posted: 11/28/2011 4:27:28 AM
Nope. I'm on my way to reaching that point myself, and although I've still got a while before I get there, I'm already at the point of considering shaving it all off (though I'm reluctant, as I've had this length since I was 14, and don't particularly wanna lose it). At least mine's nice and thick still.

Actually, being mostly bald but having some hair brings more attention to the bald spot, especially if you have a rim of hair around the base. It's much better to shave it. However, I have considered going to the other extreme and wearing a chonmage...but it wouldn't work well for me because my hair's very curly. But it's certainly an idea if a guy is bald on top, long in back, and wants to keep his hair. It'd be, ya know, different, but certainly wouldn't look as dodgy as a combover.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 49 (view)
 
When is it too late to have babies?
Posted: 11/27/2011 5:44:43 AM

But .. what I always knew in life .. was that I wanted my children .. and also wanted them to have parents as they grew up..

having a child later in life is kind of ripping them off.. in my opinion.. and then you also won't have the joy of grandchildren.. or at least certainly not great grandchildren..

If you had a child a 50 lets say....... how much energy and time will you have for them.. and for how long?? kinda rips everyone off I would imagine..
not too mention taking them to kindergarten and people assuming you are the grandparents..


One more reason I should marry a girl in her 20s. Don't wanna leave it too late though...it would be nice to have kids while I still have 3 grandparents (never knew my maternal grandfather--they divorced when my mom was a kid).
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 1361 (view)
 
Is it possible to fall in love with someone you never met?
Posted: 11/27/2011 5:29:57 AM
I'm extremely skeptical. Yet it can sure feel like it sometimes. I know I feel that way about Nong Toom. And Ill-Esha (though I have met her, but I felt the same way about her before I met her as I do now...which is madly in love).

I know I feel in love with them, but I can't really know for sure until I spend lots of time with them, in person, one on one.

I think you can fall in love with a person's public image though. The way they portray themselves, online or wherever. But that's only a shadow of who they really are.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Awkward!
Posted: 11/26/2011 6:26:09 AM
Well, I haven't really dated anyone (well, ever really, except for prom one year), so that hasn't happened to me. But I don't see it as a big deal generally. If it doesn't work out between us, then I wish them all the best with their next relationship. The only exception would be if I know them to be a scammer or cheater or something like that...I would feel obligated to warn their date, yet I would feel that it would probably be at best futile--at worst it could provoke a hostile response, and if I were on a date, possibly be detrimental to it too.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 188 (view)
 
do men actually like curvy women vs the skinny pencil one?
Posted: 11/26/2011 6:17:14 AM

why have sex with a skinny woman ? you might as well be with a boy with breasts...


Well, because some of them are pretty, sexy, sweet, passionate, loving individuals. And some of them could use some compassion too. They can't always help the way their body is, yet it can make them a target for bullying and harassment.
 
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