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 Author Thread: You're gonna be friend zoned
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1353 (view)
 
You're gonna be friend zoned
Posted: 6/3/2018 9:23:32 AM
Msg #1370 is one of the best post in this thread. Very well done, drinkthesunwithmyface!
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Age limits on messaging
Posted: 11/7/2017 2:12:57 PM

These days, nothing changes, apparently the Match group thinks they bought a “winner”, and have no intention of changing anything.

It could be that Match has bought POF just to eliminate the competition. That's why seemingly nothing has ever been done to it and the site appears to run on autopilot.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Sheer dumb luck...
Posted: 9/9/2017 11:53:51 AM

this whole dating game is just about sheer dumb luck.

Yes it is, but so is just about everything else we do in life.

To keep an even keel, I often remind myself with this piece of lyric, from the song Sunscreen:
"Whatever you do, don't Congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, so are everyone else's"


If you don't like dumb luck introductions - USE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Family and friends have set me up with dates, but in my experience, they can be even more challenging than OLD. Often, the only thing we have in common is that we're both single. And whether it works out or not, I feel obligated to give an explanation, or at least a postmortem. It's just too many "strings" attached. I much prefer to take my chance with meeting strangers, do my own screening and handle whatever outcome matter-of-factly.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 35 (view)
 
what part is he seeing? :)
Posted: 6/5/2017 10:03:33 AM

you can look back later, and see the red flags and mistakes and whatever, and learn not to repeat them again with the next cheater.

Sound advice: to learn from history so you won't repeat the mistakes again. However, it's equally important to not be jaded by the experience. Understand that sometimes, people do have a valid reason for doing the things they do. This guy didn't, but it doesn't mean that everyone else in the same situation also has something bad to hide.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Should I be on here yet?
Posted: 12/29/2016 2:46:21 AM
Your consideration for others is commendable. So many people, in an effort to cushion their pain, selfishly jump into a rebound relationship and try to "get over someone by getting under someone else". All that ever does is to leave a wake of broken hearts behind.

When I was in a similar situation as you, I did not look to date. Ironically, someone found me just about then and we ended up going out for a while. I made it abundantly clear though, that I was still in recovery mode and I could not offer anything more than casual dating. It was important to articulate that, not only for her but for myself as well. Our times together were fun and even though we eventually moved on, we remain friends to this day.

I think it's best not to look to date when you're still grieving a breakup. But if life hands one to you, just play fair. Be honest with yourself, and practice empathy. That's all I can say.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Trump and intrest rates
Posted: 11/22/2016 1:07:02 AM
Interest rates are set by the Central Bank (the Fed), and it's been hinting at a rate hike for quite some time now. So Trump or not, interest rates were going up anyway, and sooner rather than later.

In anticipation of this, the bond market has taken a hit while the financials (bank stocks) have rallied in recent days. Seems that everyone is expecting a rate hike announcement after the next Fed meeting, on December 13.

There are obvious frictions between the president-elect and Federal Chairwoman Yellen, who was appointed by the last administration and confirmed by the Senate to a 4 year term. She has about a year more to go. The question then is, how are these two titans going to work together for the next 13 months?

One can only hope that the rise in interest rates is slow and gradual. The economy is improving, but rather tepidly only. And inflation is still very guarded, thanks to a strong US Dollar and stagnant wages. Can Trump change all that? Only time can tell.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Is Self-Employment A Turn-off?
Posted: 10/21/2016 11:52:29 PM
Interesting question, OP.

I've been self-employed most of my adult life, but I don't go around broadcasting that fact. In your case, just say that you're a purchaser and leave it at that. Action always speaks louder than words, so if you want to show that you are a self-sufficient, hardworking kind of guy, show it through the way you carry yourself. Eventually, if the connection progresses, your date will find out what exactly you do anyway. By then, hopefully you've demonstrated enough of yourself through your actions that being self-employed isn't much of an issue anymore.


I have had the luxury of being able to meet girls at 10AM or 2PM, simply because I'm not tied to a job.


Well that's debatable. I am self-employed and like you, I can take off any time I want to. But I do like the rhythm of a 9-5 schedule, and I purposefully separate my work life from my personal life as best as I can. I avoid handling any personal matters during business hours, and when I go home, I leave work behind. Naturally there will be times when work and personal life bleed into each other, and in those situations, I do what I have to do to to get by. But by and large, having a fixed work schedule is a good thing, in my opinion. If anything, it shows discipline and the ability to set priority.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Length of relationships.
Posted: 3/27/2016 10:57:25 AM

^^^^. Yes, a couple of "valid" reasons. Plausible, just barely. The poster above, leanco (and no disrespect meant, just using you as an example), is 56 and says Single, no kids, no pets, relationship under 1 year. If I read that profile, I won't contact him to even meet up and ask the "why" questions. I'm looking for someone that has had someone in their life, their heart and their home and made a commitment to another person, has loved (and yes, lost love). Shared the same type of life experiences .

So nope, I'll not spend time find g out why. Not online anyway.

Well I wasn't gonna say anything more until I saw my name mentioned...

Honestly, cassie2425, I have no problem if you pass me by. What I find objectionable is the unprovoked personal attack immediately following my initial post, and the arrogance on display. Yeah I get it, you wouldn't waste your time to meet up to ask why, you're looking for someone who has had the same life experience as you do etc. Fine, just live and let live. Your preference does not make you superior in any way. If anything, it makes you seem jaded.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Length of relationships.
Posted: 3/26/2016 12:00:46 AM
^^^
No problem, I just don't understand why you feel the need to tell me that you judge. Is that supposed to make me feel bad? I am obviously well aware that many women on here don't look very favorably at men who only have had short relationships, but so what? I am not seeking approval from anyone.

As hard to believe as it may seem, there were in fact women who didn't "pass me by", and I did end up dating a few of them. So yup, it doesn't bother me if you judge. I won't feel any lesser, and I certainly wouldn't waste any time wondering "what the hell is wrong with her?"
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 83 (view)
 
Length of relationships.
Posted: 3/25/2016 6:57:54 PM

Kinda makes getting into a relationship a waste of time.

No, it is better to have loved and lived, than never experiencing it and always wondering what that'd be like.

While I wouldn't claim that getting into a relationship is a waste of time, I have also never understood why it's necessarily "better" to have loved. I think having loved or been loved are enriching experiences - and I've done both, but they hardly make me "better". For those who hadn't loved or been loved, I don't think they've lost out on anything at all.


Either way, there are advantages to both scenarios.

That much I wholeheartedly agree. Experience is a dual-edge sword, it's our greatest asset but also our worst enemy. All too often, people only remember the value of experience and forget the straitjacket that preconception also brings.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 74 (view)
 
What is the reason Canda elected Trudeau Can Canada be more liberal?
Posted: 10/31/2015 10:53:18 AM

so when I ask "What regulations does Canada have in place?", it's not a rhetorical question... if there's a decent answer out there I'd like to know.

Your question can be answered indirectly by understanding what the people in charge did during the financial crisis of 2008/2009:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/the-2008-financial-crisis-through-the-eyes-of-some-major-players/article14322993/?page=all

What jumps out at me are these two quotes:

"The ability to get together at the most senior levels with staff also at the table, on short notice and face-to-face, was a real advantage that Canada had over other countries. Ottawa is a small town and this has benefits."

I think the fact that Canada has only five big banks is a big plus in this case. The US has hundreds of independently owned banks; and the EU is made up of a bunch of different states - some of which don't even like each other. For them, it's a lot harder to come to a consensus, never mind a quick action plan.

"Everybody wants to take credit for why Canada managed through – the government, the regulators, the central bank, the banks, bank management – and frankly everyone deserves some credit. And frankly Canadians and Canadian culture deserve a lot of credit as well, because I think that was part of the strength of the system. … But, in my judgment, the single most relevant and most important differentiator for Canada was the structure of our residential mortgage market."

Very well said indeed.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 56 (view)
 
What is the reason Canda elected Trudeau Can Canada be more liberal?
Posted: 10/28/2015 5:40:24 AM

Off the top of my head, there are the rules regarding how much capital must be held in reserve. If I recall correctly, Canadian banks are required to hold (I think) 25% as a cash reserve; in the US and European countries - which have, in the past, had similar regulations - reduced their requirements down to down to as low as 12-15%. (Again, I *think* - I used to know the exact numbers, but I've forgotten them, and I'm too lazy do do the research to find out).

Well it depends on who you ask, but it's definitely not as high as 25%, and it doesn't sound like it even has to be as liquid as cash...

From the banks' own website (which obviously will sing its own praises):
"There are several categories of rules related to capital under Basel III. Taken together, these rules require banks to hold enough capital to equal at least 10.5% of their total risk-weighted assets by 2019."

http://www.cba.ca/en/media-room/50-backgrounders-on-banking-issues/667-global-banking-regulations-and-banks-in-canada

In contrast, the US has a reserve requirement of up to 10%.

But there are those who would argue otherwise:
"In Canada, the reserve ratio was phased out in the Bank of Canada Act in 1992."

https://gilliganscorner.wordpress.com/2008/04/06/canadas-private-banks-have-no-reserve-requirements

As far as how risky the banks are, a more meaningful indicator is the "Capital Adequacy Ratio", but that's a whole other topic that's way beyond my pay scale. Google it if you like, or start here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capital_adequacy_ratio
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
On the news today, Match bought POF for 575 million
Posted: 7/15/2015 12:49:37 AM

Match is a dating site among hundreds which make money by milking lonely guys. Women most often get into free.

I doubt milking the lonely guys is the main reason why they are interested in free sites like POF. A lot of people is on this site because it's (still) free. If they make it a paid site like others, it wouldn't surprise me if the bulk of the POF members would just leave OLD. Today's big money on the internet is advertising, especially on the mobile apps side. It's hits and eyeballs that count.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Not walking your date to her door
Posted: 9/16/2014 1:58:27 AM

Nope, if it's very obvious or the feeling is that, that was the last date, why bother? At least I don't see the point of a man going out of his way trying too impress any further if for whatever reasons all other nice gestures just didn't ultamitely pan out. It's like being polite and kind too telemarketers when it's already been determined there's nothing too be gained for either them or you, a simple hang up should suffice just as a simple goodnight would after the date.

To me, seeing a lady to her door is not done to impress someone. It's a simple act of kindness extended to another human being, that a few extra seconds of my time could be the difference between someone arriving home safely versus someone getting viciously attacked. It is what men do. If I was driving someone home, male or female, I always wait to make sure they get into the house and turn on the lights before I drive away. On a first date, I may not walk her to the door because as others had said, it put too much pressure on the lady. But see to it that she arrives home (or her car) safely, yeah, absolutely. That's what honorable men do.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Why are we seen as so pathetic?
Posted: 8/15/2014 7:45:37 PM
One of the great things about sending someone an email is that it cost nothing. Unfortunately, it's also the worst thing.

The fact that we all get so much junk mail is precisely because the spammers don't know who's pathetic and who's not. To them, it's impersonal; to them, you are one of the innumerable from which they hope a certain percentage would fall for their scams. Sadly, you the OP choose to take it personally.

I think there's a real simple solution to this. Suppose everyone gets to send a limited number of email each month. Beyond that, the sender pays. And the more emails sent, the higher the rate - no bulk rate or quantity discount. This not only discourage the spammers, but men who send pestering emails and hate mails also. When women get less emails, they may also be more prone to answer the ones they get or better yet, initiate. Seems like an all around better strategy for the users then what we got now, but would any dating website do it? Probably not. There's simply no money to be made by getting singles off of dating sites!
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Ex said please be careful to me online dating
Posted: 8/2/2014 12:40:24 AM

No need to over analyze and try to figure out what is in someone's head, etc. Waste of time. What does it matter what she meant? Trying to figure this stuff out never amounts to anything.


^^^ couldn't have said it any better.

The relationship is over, finished and done with. When you break up with someone, there is a good chance that they'd be out of your life forever. That should be most obvious.

Wallow in the misery for a bit, and remember how bad it feels. When you are in a relationship again, hopefully you'll remember this experience and will try to do everything humanly possible to be the best you can be. If being insecure and needy is what you fail this time, learn that the lesson so you won't repeat the mistakes again - when you're with someone new.

There is no going back to what has died, and that's your closure right there.

Good luck
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 42 (view)
 
blindsided
Posted: 6/6/2014 3:06:48 AM
OP, if you weren't given a specific reason, may be it's because she doesn't want you to have anything to work with. Even though you might be "everything she ever wanted in a man", that wasn't enough to stop her from breaking up with you. That alone tells you how much you really mean to her. May be she was on the rebound when you met her, and yours was a rebound relationship. People on rebound, in an attempt to find the quick fix to their hurt, will often rush into the illusion of being with the perfect person. As they heal, they regain the ability to see clearly and realize that the person they so desperately latched onto isn't as perfect as they thought. Rebound relationship is incredibly shortsighted. If this was the case and you had long term in mind, you would surely feel gutted.

And as much as you wish that she would reconsider and come back, it'd be the worst thing that can happen if she in fact does. Most likely, the reason which drove her to breakup with you will resurface, and you get to relive the pain and agony all over again. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?


She may have had her cadre of single female friends giving her sage advice too.

LOL. So, so true!
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 110 (view)
 
Bunny
Posted: 4/13/2014 3:44:18 AM
The book "Madam, Inside a Nevada Brothel" is penned by Lora Shaner, an ex-madam of Sheri's Ranch, the same Sheri's Ranch that the OP visited. The book contains some fairly believable account of what goes on inside one of these Ranches and those stories have helped to uncloak some of the mystique surrounding the everyday life inside a legal brothel in NV. At the heart of it, these Ranches in rural Nevada are legal businesses and as such, you can expect them to behave and run like all legal businesses. They exist to make money and the "cloak and dagger" stuff that the OP alludes to are largely imaginary.

What the prostitutes saw, I suspect, was a newbie who was clearly rattled by the larger-than-life brothel environment. And like countless of newbie they saw before, the guy tried to act all cool and aloof. Honestly though, a "no thanks, but I'm just not ready for this" would have been a much classier exit than the "I left my condoms in the car" retreat, but hey, I wasn't the one trying to bolt.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Bunny
Posted: 4/2/2014 12:39:03 AM
I'll probably get a lot of flak for this, but listen up OP...

Go ahead and spend the $2K, and get that out of your system. It really is unhealthy to spend an hour and half to drive all the way there just to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes. And to do that 20 times a year??? What a waste of time and life that is!

If you think an experience with a prostitute in a brothel is going to make you more sexually desirable to women, you are very much mistaken. Sex with a prostitute inside a legal brothel is just another form of showbiz. It's like going to a movie. You are there to be entertained for a period of time and when the show is over, you leave and come back to the real world. Watching a movie rarely helps sort out the problems you face in the real world. In your case, neither does visiting a "pro" in a brothel.

Every guy on this rock is trying to figure out how to be more attractive to women, so you are not alone. Yeah, confidence is at the top of the list, but imo so is a healthy dosage of masculinity. Whatever you do though, don't rely on online dating as the benchmark. Online dating is one of the most brutal way to get your self-image knocked and your manliness belittled.


why did you title this thread Bunny

I am guessing the OP has The Moonlit Bunny Ranch in mind. That brothel was featured in an HBO show a few years back.

^^^^^^^^
If getting laid is all you want and you want to do it in a safe environment, then there is nothing wrong with going to one of the (legal) ranches and pay for the service. But I suspect once you've done it, you realize you want a lot more than what a prostitute can offer you in a business transaction.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Is lack of relationship experience a turnoff for most women?
Posted: 3/22/2014 12:10:30 PM

I dated a guy who had never had a long term serious relationship and he too was in his mid 30's. It was a struggle! I finally had to end it because I just couldn't deal with it. While he had great intentions, he really was wanting a deeper relationship than what his past offered him, he'd spent most of his life treating and interacting with women a certain way and them interacting with him a certain way, so when it came time to act differently it was hard for him (and me too). I felt like I was always having to lead, show him how to be in a relationship, how to treat me (doing things like taking me out on dates, compliments, not being so selfish realizing that we're a team not you and me, even communication about relationship/feelings and what he wanted ect) which kind of turned into what I felt like and I'm sure he felt like on some level was nagging, being bossy!

I had an ex-girlfriend who said pretty much the same thing to me when she got mad early on and it made me feel really bad at the time - it's almost as if my lack of experience in long term relationship was a personal flaw. It isn't and if someone tells that to me now, I'll know that I am just not meeting an undue expectation. I've always felt that experience is a dual-edge sword. It is our greatest assets but it's also our worst enemy.


I think when the question comes up you need to be fully prepared to answer truthfully why you've never had a relationship even if it's that you've spent your formidable years having casual relationships but are now ready for more.

That's good advice, OP. This question doesn't need to be dealt with in the beginning but at some point, if the relationship is to go anywhere, you need to be prepared to answer it, frankly and without shame. Hopefully by then, the two of you have known each other for some time and you have demonstrated your true moral character by your actions.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 167 (view)
 
What if you were being tracked by your cell phone?
Posted: 10/13/2013 1:54:21 AM

I grew up without the electronic leash. didn't leave the house without telling my parents when I'd be home, and not wearing a device called a wrist watch, which told me exactly what time I better stop doing what I was doing and head home. Cellphones make it easy for people to be rude and call at the last minute to see if I'm free, rather than plan ahead and call and make plans (take my word for it, when people can't call you to cancel--they tend not to cancel so much).

Very much agree. I have never had a reason to carry a cell phone, I don't have one and I doubt I ever will have one. Cell phones make multi-tasking easier but unfortunately, most people just aren't very good at multitasking. What ends up being then, is that cell phones have become the catch-all remedy to running full steam ahead into chaos.

Without the "convenience" of cell phones, I think people will become better planners.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Will I get a second chance?
Posted: 7/19/2013 2:05:35 PM

she was newly sinlge


Be careful what you wish for, cause you might just get it, and then you might wish that you hadn't.

Newly single means that she is probably not emotionally ready for anything serious. Like someone had said, you may just be a rebound. Just cool your jets and keep it casual, and let her go through the decompression on her own for now. If you force the issue, you're most likely gonna push her away anyway.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Advice about an ex
Posted: 6/19/2013 1:12:32 AM

She wants to feel good ABOUT HERSELF. That you feel okay, and treat her respectfully and in a friendly way, allows her to tell herself that she is a great person, and that she did nothing wrong by dumping you.

It's all about her. None of it is about you, including asking you how you are doing: she wants you to say you are fine, NOT because she cares how you feel, but simply so that she can assuage any guilt she might have been feeling about having treated you badly.

Given time, and a few more exchanges like you've had, I would expect that things will trail off again, and stop completely when she feels 100% good about HER.

Yeah, I would say Igor's assessment of the situation is bang on, OP. This is all about her, 100% of it. She wants you to believe that she still cares about you, that you don't go away thinking she is an evil person for dumping you without letting you know why.

But she is certain that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. That much is abundantly clear.

You are not over her, or you wouldn't question if she missed you or not. Given that mindset, the rational thing to do is to continue 'No Contact'. Besides, you've already told her that you didn't want to be friends with her, so why are you going back on your words?
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Out of the Blue Call
Posted: 4/30/2013 9:33:38 AM

You two deserves one another

Exactly.

She is interested enough to call after nearly two months, and you're interested enough to start this thread and ask. Yet, judging from your recent texting, neither one of you is willing to uncloak and risk exposing your real interest level. And so the gamesmanship goes on. That's what the hell this sounds like.

Ask her out again if you are that interested, or just snub out any further conversation if not. It's that simple.

Onward thru the fog...
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Why do Men of a Certain Age HATE Facebook?
Posted: 4/7/2013 1:37:42 AM
HATE Facebook??? Threaten by it???

Yeah, hate is too strong a word, especially when it's capitalized. For me, I simply don't care much about it. If Facebook was to shut down tomorrow, I wouldn't miss it one bit.

I use my Facebook account to post YouTube links, to share interesting articles and to showcase newsworthy stories. It's my own little editorial page in cyberspace, my personal corner on the internet. And since I strongly believe that anything I put on the net will be "out there" in perpetuity - and will probably end up crossing the eyeballs of anyone nosy enough, I am very mindful of the information I release. I can't imagine friend-ing hundreds of people indiscriminately, and letting every one of them know that I am 'in a relationship' or 'single' again. Why is there such an insatiable need to be so connected anyway?

So OP, I don't HATE Facebook or feel threaten by it. May be I'd agree that it's the work of the devil, but not for the reasons you think. I just don't value what Facebook has to offer, and someone has to be a true and trusted friend to make it into my Friends List.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 74 (view)
 
I Chose The Wrong Guy
Posted: 3/28/2013 1:23:14 AM

None of us are anybody’s first pick. On a dating site, unless we’ve just arrived we’ve all seen others, felt attracted to others, wanted others, contacted others. And probably had false starts with others.

If I was on a woman’s short-list and then she chose somebody else, I wouldn’t even see that as a rejection. She thought they had a better chance of making it. Go with my blessing.

And if it didn’t work out for them that doesn’t mean she made a mistake. She probably made the best choice she could with the information she had. If she wants to resume with me, that would be welcome.

Yeah, that's exactly how I'd feel too. In fact, OP, I don't understand why you keep saying that you've made the "wrong" choice or have chosen the "wrong" guy. There is no right or wrong here. You didn't know these two men, you had no way of knowing which one might work out and which one might not - and may be neither would. The thing is, you've been honest with the second guy all along so if I was him, I would certainly not feel slighted in the slightest.

So there is no need to feel that you've screwed up or made the wrong choice. You made your call based presumably on a dating profile and a few emails/text/conversations; it didn't work out and you're back on to the drawing board again. That's not so different from the rest of us who are out there trotting the dating scene, trying to find a match with incomplete (and sometimes even inaccurate) information. There is going to be a lot of trials & errors, and that's the reality of dating.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 71 (view)
 
Does my partner have a gambling problem?
Posted: 2/27/2013 9:14:52 AM
My advice is free, and I know you're too hardcore to give probability theory any serious consideration. My intention is only for everyone else who is thinking about making money at gambling, for them to really try to understand the implication of the math behind these games of chance, and hopefully come to realize how unlikely their chance of success really is. Don't take my or anyone else word for it, but look up Gambler's Fallacy, Risk of Ruin, the Laws of Large Numbers and all things probability on the internet. If they still decide to chase this dream, at least they can't say that nobody has warned them when their dream turns into nightmare.

As for the downfall of The Martingale, or any other gambling system, this is not the forum or the website for it. As it is, this thread is already way OT and besides, I have no interest in further debating this subject.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 68 (view)
 
Does my partner have a gambling problem?
Posted: 2/27/2013 2:00:14 AM
I suspect a lot of people - especially casino-goers - has at some point thought about making a living at gambling. Thankfully, most don't take that thought seriously to give it a go. For the few who's attempted it, they've probably found out quickly how incredibly hard it is to do. And if they are not careful, the whole experiment can become a very expensive life lesson as well.

Most of the games inside a casino are games of chance. This includes slot machines and most table games. They are called games of chance because the outcome of a hand is completely random and unpredictable. More importantly, the chance of a certain outcome occurring is dictated by the laws of probability, which has been carefully worked out by mathematicians eons ago and has since also been verified to an exquisite degree. The skills of the individual player do not and cannot alter the odds. Winning at these games of chance is solely determined by luck - a fact that many avid gamblers is unwilling to accept.

Poker and sports betting are the only two games where the player has a chance to win over a long period of time, the key word being 'over a long period of time'. If you're more knowledgeable and have higher skills, you are going to win more bets than you lose. So is it any surprise that professional gamblers only focus on these two endeavors?

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about gambling in casinos. People believes that nobody wins in the long run, but that's actually not entirely true. In fact, the math predicts that there will be a few, a very selected and lucky few who will end up a lifetime winner playing games of chance. There just aren't very many of them. Yes, the house will win in the long run, and the players as an aggregate must therefore lose. But the fate of each individual player varies widely. Most will lose, some more than others, but a very few is also allowed to win. Nobody plays in the long run, not because the player doesn't want to, but he simply can't. The long run is such a large number that no player will live long enough (even if he starts from the time he was born to the day he died, 24/7) to experience anything close to the proverbial long run. But in the short run, anything can happen. In the short run, volatility rules. That's important to remember.

Which leads to the next point, which is known as the Gambler's Fallacy. If you double up after each losing bet, eventually you will win a bet and you'd recoup all your prior losses, plus one unit of profit as reward. There is nothing new about this and is one of the oldest gambling system around. It's called the Martingale, and it is built on the idea that you will not lose forever. It's heartwarming to know that nobody will lose forever, but I wouldn't bet a dime of anyone's money with the Martingale, certainly not with my own money. Straightly as an anecdotal observation, I saw a man played this way at the craps table and it wasn't pretty sight. He started off with $5 on the Don't Pass Line, and chased his loss all the way to the table limit, where he proceeded to lose a few more hands at that level, before exhausting all his funds. The moral of the story is, if you think a string of consecutive losses is highly unlikely, just start betting with real money and see how quickly probability tells you otherwise.

This post is getting off topic, I only hope it would deter someone from thinking that gambling is a realistic way of getting ahead financially. Very, very few people can do it, and going pro is not like what "Maverick" would have you believe. It's a very long shot, and it calls for more sacrifices that most people care to make. There are many ways to vacate yourself from the despair of poverty and dead end jobs, but gambling is not one of them.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
If you could have your past relationship again but knew the outcome would be the same - would you?
Posted: 2/8/2013 2:15:59 AM
No, I wouldn't. I'll admit that each relationship has taught me a great deal, but if I knew the outcome is still the same, I wouldn't want to go through it again. The lessons paid for with heartbreak have already been learned, there'd be nothing to gain by reliving the pain and the agony again.

Besides, knowing the outcome would take away the mystery and the thrill of not knowing how things might turn out. Kind of like having watched a hockey game and my team lost by a heartbreaker. It's very unlikely that I would want to watch that game over again.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
No expectations so then no disappointment
Posted: 1/25/2013 4:40:55 AM

I have realized that the only way to survive all the first meets or dates is to just go into it not expecting to ever hear from the guy again.

No expectations, no disappointment. Sure, that's one way to deal with it, but it's not the only way, nor the best way.

If you are going to invest the time into meeting someone, but you go in without any expectation just to avoid being disappointed, you most likely will end up wasting your time. No expectation = not hoping for a positive outcome; why bother then? The trick is to manage your expectations, and keep them real. It's no surprise that the majority of first meet will not result in a second meet/date. Understand that the odds are long, and even if you've done everything right, much of it still depends on luck. It's kind of like a lottery. You know the odds are against you, but you buy the ticket anyway because the potential reward is worth the gamble. If you don't think you'll ever be lucky enough to win, then don't bother playing at all.

Having expectations also forces you to focus, to do the things that will improve your chance of a positive outcome. If you get many offers/chances for a first meet, you can try screening out those who are obviously not a match. You risk passing off a good match, but you've also reduced the likelihood of wasting your time and efforts. Visualize the meeting, and think about the various scenarios that may come up, and how you would react to every one of them. Eliminate surprises. Plan, plan and plan some more. It's quite possible that the meeting will go totally not as you'd expected, and that's okay. Every experience is an opportunity to build knowledge and confidence. If this all sounds like a lot of work, it is. But if you prepare ahead of time, you are likely going to be more relaxed and open. The fun will come later, when things turn out just as you envisioned.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Do you still love your ex?
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:55:13 AM
My exes meant the world to me at one time, but when the relationship ended, I made a conscious effort to let everything go. I see no point in trying to either reminisce on the good or hold a grudge over the bad. I much prefer to put everything into an imaginary space capsule and send it on a one way trip to Mars.


One thing I don't do nor will I ever do is bash any of my ex's.

Agree but probably for a slightly different reason. I've always considered whatever happened between me and my ex to be utterly private. Besides, who really cares anyway? There is no value in bashing an ex, but I also see no need to keep singing their praises either.


But just, is there a little place in your heart for them?

No there isn't, but I will treat them with dignity and human decency, just as I would with any stranger.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Any rebound success stories?
Posted: 12/30/2012 8:30:10 PM
If you truly want to "purge this woman's love from your veins", it's actually not that hard to do, but you've got to be serious about it. Don't just say it because it's the right thing to say while secretly, you are hoping and scheming to get her back.

First, No Contact, absolutely and without exception. Treat her as if she had fallen off the face of the Earth. And if she try to initiate contact, do not answer and do not reply. Let it go to answering service and unless it's a life-&-death matter, delete it without thinking twice. No Contact is your best friend when you're trying to forget a past love.

Second, use this time off productively. It takes two to tango. Reflect on what has transpired and you will find that you've made your share of the mistakes along the way too. Learn from the mistakes, and make a personal pledge that you will be better next time. Forgive yourself for the blunders, and find it in your heart to forgive her as well. You may feel that she had used you and then betrayed you, but those are her demons to face. We'll all pay for our sins sooner or later.

Reflecting on a failed romance is hard work, but doing so release you from its grip and bring closure. It also gives you the perspective you need to see things objectively. It was a 6-months romance. In the end, she proved to be a different person than you thought she was. In the grand scheme of things, she was a blip, and so was this short stint of a relationship. But because you've taken the time to do a proper post-mortem, you've come way benefitting from the experience.

One last thing: you know how devastating it is to be somebody's rebound. Hopefully, you know not to put someone else through the same.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Any rebound success stories?
Posted: 12/30/2012 1:00:39 PM
When you found out that she was being coaxed by the ex to break up with you, you gave her space and you were surprised that she went back to him? No, you shouldn't be. Any time an ex comes back into the picture, bad things happen - especially if they've only recently broke up. In your case, you might not have thought that you were a rebound, but you clearly were. As far as she is concerned, you've served your purpose in her darkest hours, and now you have to go.

Given that scenario, why would you even want to have any hope of her coming back? Haven't you felt that you've been "used" enough? Do you really want her to come back, only to leave you brokenhearted again 6 months later?

In the end, she chose an abusive ex over you, "the best bf she's ever had", and that tells you everything you need to know. You would hope that she never comes back again to feed you all the BS about how wonderful you are and how horrible the ex is. You cannot trust people who hasn't taken the time to do the hard work of unwinding a previous relationship.

This one is done. The only sensible thing for you to do is to cut all contacts with her and move on.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
[asian] natural black or bleached?
Posted: 12/29/2012 6:14:49 PM

Every time I see an Asian with dyed hair, I think to myself, why do Asians insist on ruining their beautiful hair? I also wonder why they want to change their eyes to be more "westernized" by going to extremes to have plastic surgery on their eye lids. Then they stick these Lady Gaga contacts in to make them look like Anime characters.


Sadly, some Asians still feel that it's necessary to change their looks to more Caucasian-like in order to feel hip and desirable. For me personally, there is nothing more ridiculous than an Asian dyeing his or her hair blonde. That's just unnatural, and if one has to go to such extent to try to look cool, it doesn't say much about oneself, does it?


My personal opinion is that you're going to look almost as girly as Justin Beiber if you bleach your hair.


Women find confident men HOT. And a confident man wouldnt be asking strangers on the internet if he should bleach his hair or not and why.


OP, there is your answer!
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 34 (view)
 
still in love with an ex and he's moving on ????
Posted: 12/16/2012 9:43:44 PM
Plenty of good advice here, OP, but focus on this one in particular:


Thing is, you don't want to move on. I repeat: You do not want to move on. You want him around. You want to still be in contact, etc.


Yeah, your screen-name tells it all.

Thing is, you will only make a halfhearted effort in moving on until you have come to accept that the 8-years relationship is truly over. May be you still love him, but that won't change the fact that you're broken up and he now has a new girlfriend. On the other hand, he's made sure that he takes care of himself by leaving a backdoor open with you, just in case he needs to come back and exploit whatever he still finds valuable. It's time to learn to take care of yourself, and cut him out of your life totally.

So if you truly want to move on, it is within your power to do so. You can change the lock to your home, re-key the car keys and put his stuff into storage (one poster said to rent a locker and send him the key. I really like that idea.) They are easy to do because it only costs you some money. The most difficult step is to convince your heart that what it wants is bad. Unfortunately, you have to find the inner strengths for that on your own.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
still not over him
Posted: 10/14/2012 10:45:38 AM
Great post as always, Igor!

One tiny contention though...

It's often not very obvious that future relationships do benefit from the lessons of past failures, but we must first be willing to make the effort to learn from these past failures. For this reason, I'd think that the person who jumps from one person to the next - like the OP's ex - is hardly of "knight in armor" material. More likely an emotional underweight who's too afraid to do any heavy lifting.

But you did bracket the word "hopefully". So may be you too are not totally convinced either... lol.

Other than that, I agree with everything you said, especially about the recovery timeline.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Leaving on bad terms
Posted: 10/7/2012 2:23:05 PM
A half-friendly goodbye? Why??? If you feel that she has misled you and you called her out, what's wrong with that? If you "make nice" now and offer a half-friendly goodbye, are you trying to apologize and hope that she forgives you and take you back?

Just let it go. No apologies or further explanations needed. Instead, learn from this experience.

Women by and large love to use hints when they talk - hints that men usually don't get. So in that light, this girl might have been trying to tell you (in her own way) that she is not interested, but you didn't pick up on the hints and it dragged on for months until you finally confronted her. So adjust your strategy next time. Someone who wants to be with you will make the efforts to make things happen. If she runs when the chips are down every time, you have to believe that she's not interested and none of the sweet talk in between matters.

And once you've decided that you will never want to see her again, learn the art of writing off someone. Forget the good, forget the bad, and above all No Contact Forever.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Fear of an Ex
Posted: 9/28/2012 1:28:06 AM
The other day, I came across a profile picture of a woman from a nearby town who looked strikingly like my ex, although I am pretty sure it was a different person. Her profile said she was single and looking for a relationship, and that hit me like a lightning bolt and got my imagination working overtime in a flash.

The truth though, is that I have not been in contact with my ex for four years, and really have no wish to ever speak to or see her again. I have moved on and would dismiss outright any possibility of ever getting back together. So why do I still feel that rush of emotions when I see a picture of someone who merely had to look like her? I think it is because the romance was so intense and heartfelt that it still tucks at the heart even after all these time. But deep down inside, I also knew that it is a dead-end street, that nothing good would ever come from revisiting any part of it. Neither the good nor the bad, as they've all been paid for with heartaches in spades. It is best to let it remain as a part of my personal history and nothing more.

So I quickly navigated away from this woman's profile and got back to reality.

You are probably experiencing something similar, but I wouldn't call it a "fear" though. More an anxiety and it will fade over time. Embrace it, it is part of your emotion. It's much better to be able to feel, than to have been anesthetized by bad experiences and not feel anything at all.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
not sure what my ex gf wants from me
Posted: 9/23/2012 4:06:57 AM

No one like to think they are disposable even when people don't want to be together a lot of people still like to think the other person still wants them.. If people can ever stop being so self involved and care more about the other person's happiness than their ego, it would be great.
If you cared enough to get involved at one point you should care enough to hope she is happy and be nice. Ignoring is a way of being -passive aggressive

I disagree.

A small dosage of belligerence after two people have parted ways is not only good, it's even preferable. This has nothing to do with people being disposable, but rather it keeps people from forgetting why they broke up in the first place. The whole "if you cared enough to get involved at one point, you should care enough to hope she is happy" can easily be countered by "but if you care enough to break up with someone, you must want out so bad that you're willing to lose that person forever." After all, breaking up is like going to war. It's messy business and people are going to be hurt. It is not something that should be taken lightly.

And that's the problem with the OP and his ex. They broke up over what the OP called "silly reasons ". Neither of them understands that when people are broken up, they are not supposed to conduct themselves as if they were still in a relationship. The ex gf is already seeing someone new, but she has no problem with cuddling up with the OP "at her convenience". The OP on the other hand happily obliges, thinking that this may be the way to work himself back in. So the drama continues.

OP, if you really want to move on, it's a lot easier than you think. She is not making it difficult for you, you are making it difficult on yourself. It's not that she doesn't know what she wants (in fact she sounds like she knows exactly what she wants, and she's getting it from you); rather you don't know what you want. If you truly want to move on, you do whatever necessary to burn all bridges. You cut off all contacts, even if you have to appear to be the "bad guy" who holds a grudge. It's tough to do, but that's the surest way to move on. Anything less, you're opening up the door to drama and games being played, or exactly what you are getting now.

But if you want her back, you are gonna have to ask someone else how. I have no advice to offer, as I don't believe in getting back together with an ex. Breakups are final and irreversible, and all is lost in the process.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Is my ex not interested?
Posted: 9/21/2012 1:58:00 AM
Man, what a royal pain-in-the-rear end you are...

The first time around, you refused him because "you didn't want and wasn't in the place for the kind of relationship he was looking for at the time." Then a year and some later, when he asked to hang out, you "weren't sure if you wanted to or not". Then when you finally said yes and a date and time was needed, you "danced around it and ended up not nailing something down."

And you're the one who's confused if he's playing hard to get or still actually interested?


And really I wanted our outing to be friendly. I'm nto ready for anymore than that right now with him.


I just figured it was worth me taking a shot asking him because he initiated 90% of the contact since we reconnected and he had to ask 3 times before he got a yes from me for the first meeting.

Then the truth comes out...

I'm pretty scared of whatever is happening here, too. I really did have strong feelings for him while we were dating. That's part of the reason I went so nuts. I'm not used to strong feelings and, at that point, I didn't want anything to do with them .
... I'm terrified that if we start something again it isn't going to get the finish we want. That's the only reason I hesitated about wanting to see him again.

OP, pay attention to what you wrote here. The real reason why it didn't work out the last time and why it will likely not work out again is because you keep sabotaging any chance you get as soon as someone gets close.

You are also afraid of taking risks, that's why you need to be absolutely certain that he wants to reconnect with you (after multiple times of what must have been begging on his part) for you to say yes; and why you are terrified to start something because it may not finish the way you want it to.

There are no easy answers to these deep-seated insecurities. The good news is that you can overcome them through introspection and personal growth. The bad news is that until you've resolved these issues, you will continue to be plagued by them.

As for your ex... poor guy. All you can do is be absolutely honest with him, and hope that you're able to reverse the damage you've done.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Ex wants fwb
Posted: 9/15/2012 8:00:26 PM
An intelligent, comical, down to earth and very beautiful woman wanting only friends with benefits... Sure sounds like a dream come true for a lot of the men out there.

But I think Msg 17 has got it right though. If the role was reversed and you wanted a fwb arrangement after you had dumped her, you would be royally chastised, and deservingly so. So why is it okay for her to do that to you?

I also think that the sex will last until she finds someone new, and you will undoubtedly be hurt all over again when she finally jettison you from her life. The pain will be twice as bad, as you knew going in that she was not giving you that "second chance". Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, are you freaking kidding me?

I hope you find the strengths to walk away from this trap.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Family Relationship Issue: Do they really want to honor our grandmother?
Posted: 9/11/2012 8:13:23 PM
Well OP, I am sympathetic to a certain degree but if we're talking about a shortfall of $81, is it really that big of a deal?

All I'm saying is it's easy to say "count me in" but when it comes down to paying everyone seems to forget when the money is due or have some excuse as to why they can't pay now. But they still want to be mentioned on the ad.

Okay, it's not the money, it's the principle - I get that. But this is something you're doing to honor your grandma which is also a (pleasant) surprise to your mom, isn't either one of these two causes worth more than $81? I agree with import_from_UK in message 6, where she encouraged you to take the high road. Include everyone's name, even if you have to cover for their share. I'm sure your grandma and your mom would appreciate your kindness and generosity. In the grand scheme of things, $81 is an insignificant amount in a person's lifetime. I pay it in a heartbeat, just to know that I'm the bigger person who's done the right thing for the right reason.

If you can't afford the $81 now, is it possible to explain to the church your predicament and ask for their understanding (to get the same coverage at a reduced rate), or work out some sort of IOU to be repaid?
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Why do they stop responding when I ask them out?
Posted: 9/8/2012 2:40:28 AM
I have experienced this in my younger days and I think they are mostly young women's game playing behaviors. May be they think that because you work in the nightclub, you can get them special privileges; or they want to see how much "pull" they (still) have, or how far you're willing to go to call their bluff etc. Bottom line is that if you ask them out and they stop responding, then they've just been playing with you.

Once you hit 30s and beyond, this type of "games" usually taper off drastically.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
I was a rebound...
Posted: 8/23/2012 9:10:51 PM

there are no outward signs to recognize if you are being a victim of it

No, they don't carry a plaque that says "rebounding - stay away!". That would be too easy, wouldn't it? LOL...

The thing is, people who are in rebound mode either doesn't know that they are or if they do know, would probably not be willing to admit it. Asking how long since the last relationship may offer some clue, but you'd probably do better by watching how they behave when you're dating, especially in the very beginning. Anything that seems rushed when you're both still practically strangers would be a cause for concern. You will never eliminate the possibility of being someone's rebound as long as you go out and date, but you could help yourself tremendously by exercising some common sense.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
I was a rebound...
Posted: 8/22/2012 9:25:54 PM

Needless to say, there’s a problem with the time-line here. And some confusion about who's not over their Ex.

Going by what she's posted in the other threads, it seems the OP is just as guilty of "dating very fast herself to fill the loneliness void". Is it any surprise that she ran into someone who ended up using her as a rebound also?

OP, I am sorry that you are hurt and feel betrayed, but you've got to realize that you were a willing victim too. Instead of taking time off to reflect and to unwind from having just gotten out of a long and serious relationship, you went right back into dating and got emotionally involved quickly. You short-circuited the process and now you are paying the price for it. Let that be a very good lesson to learn from.

In my experience, people who are rebounding tend to work overtime to get you to fall in love with them quickly. They want to feel loved and wanted again so badly that they'd be willing to do anything and use any one to get it. They probably didn't set out to hurt anyone, but what they end up saying and doing to create that illusion are nonetheless reckless. You can drive yourself crazy by questioning every bit, or you can rise above it all by forgiving and forgetting him and move on.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/19/2012 12:50:42 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^
This actually reminds me of a Bob Dylan song from a long time ago, long before the internet and the overhyped Farcebook, I mean, Facebook...

1974, If You See Her, Say Hello, album: Blood On The Tracks
"... Say for me that I’m all right though things get kind of slow
She might think that I’ve forgotten her, don’t tell her it isn’t so ..."



I'm not going to delete her. I'm tougher than that.

It takes a lot strengths to cut a past love out of your life completely. It will take even more strengths to wish her well in silence. What's the point of wishing her well if she doesn't know about it? That's the point.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 8:37:38 PM

Some of us stop on the side of a highway to help an old lady change her tire because a deed like that makes us feel really good. Which is selfish. But other people see it as a wonderful thing to do.

If you do a good deed out of the kindness of your heart or because it reflects the value you believe in, then great. Similarly, if you are truly happy for your ex and want absolutely nothing in return, then that would indeed be a gentlemanly gesture. And I don't doubt that you are happy for her, for the most part. It's when you say, "by doing that, hopefully something good will come my way before long" and "come off looking bad if you don't sincerely congratulate your opponent", that make me wonder how much might you feel differently if there'd be no reward for being charitable.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Seeing pic of ex happy with new boyfriend
Posted: 8/15/2012 2:36:05 AM
I agree with Igor and to a great extend, with JJ of Message 20 as well.


I think it's just a selfish part of me deep down inside that still wants me to be that man in the pic I wish her the best. And I like to think by doing that, hopefully something good will come my way again before long.


I feel it's no different than losing in a sporting event, but being humble and respectful enough to sincerely congratulate your opponent that beat you. Of course you're not happy about losing, but if you don't, then you come off looking bad, in my opinion. I'm a good sport at losing.

And this kind of thinking is exactly what the problem is. It would be perfectly fine with just wishing her happy if that is ALL you feel, but it isn't. You hope that by wishing her well, karma will bring goodness to you, or at the very least you wouldn't be seen as a "sore loser". Every kind and humble act is done with a darker, self-serving ulterior motive in mind. That's not being humble, or respectful.

There is no shame in feeling sad and disappointed when the one you desire does not choose you - it's natural to have those feelings. And even if you respect your "opponent" for having won the bid and be happy for her, it takes more strengths to do so in silence. If she ever ask, then and only then you tell her how you feel. Coming unsolicited like you did just comes across as a little too fake.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/14/2012 10:00:33 PM

men think like men and act like men, they also communicate like men; women think and act and communicate like women. It's life. Men don't take subtle hints.


I absolutely agree with you on this. When men communicate, we're almost always very direct and leave nothing to guessing. Women on the other hand, are big with hints – hints that men seldom get. Lol.

We don’t know if better communication by both sides would have saved the relationship or not. In the end tough, her having already mentally checked out and subsequently setting up the man to be the villain aren’t very assuring for the OP, if he’s contemplating to get back with her.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Should effort be made to get back with Ex?
Posted: 7/14/2012 5:57:54 PM

I really think the issues in our relationship was communication. It seems like she told me about her feelings of unappreciation when she had already mentally checked out of the relationship. I made efforts to repair what we had, but it seemed like it was already too late. Even if the situations have changed, I'm not sure that the communication skills have improved from either side.


OP, I don’t think the problem is communication. If it were, you might still be together.

From the way it sounds, the real problem is that after 3 years, she had decided she no longer wants to be engaged (and eventually married) to you. What is most telling is that you tried to remedy the situation, but she had already “mentally checked out”. She wasn’t hoping that you could change to make the relationship work, she was looking to end things with you without being seen as the heartbreaker. In fact, she even set you up as the "bad" guy who officially broke things off – that’s why you wondered if it was your decision at all.

While it’s important to recognize and own up to your own mistakes, it’s just as important to identify what the other person might have done to scuttle the relationship. These are knowledge that we pay for with our heartaches. Given her behaviors, you’ve probably made the right call in not trying to pursue another heartbreak with this woman again.
 
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