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 Author Thread: When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:47:57 PM
Well since you don't know me, you don't know what kind of person I am and the comments I made were things that had been bothering me and would have come up at some point. I just shouldn't have put it all in one email late at night when I wasn't thinking clearly about the ramifications!
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:45:55 PM
Let me clear up once and for all why the issue of being a cop has some impact. He has a very straight forward way of seeing things in life and i understand in his line of work that things are black & white with few shades of gray (one of the issues that bothered me but weren't listed in the email). I felt he could be a bit inflexible at times and wasn't willing to stray from his preconceived notions. I know he sees lots of things that i never have, but i tend to be a bit more open minded and willing to air things out. He's not someone who seemed particularly reflective, he had views on what makes a man a man and i know that the police force is not that fond of therapy. I'm sure its something he would never consider. His training and experience had a big impact on the way he saw and dealt with things even in his personal life. If all who asked why being a cop is an issue, read some blogs from the wives of cops. Its a lifestyle not a job and he never turned it off, which could be destructive in personal relationships. But above and beyond that, the email was wrong and I dont have a logical reason why I decided to send it. I only know I deeply regret it and no one here can imagine how much this man catered to my every need and tried to make me happy, even in six weeks!
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:37:44 PM
No he wasn't losing interest!! In fact we were discussing (his suggestion) going away for a brief trip to relax from our jobs. He was making all kinds of plans for our future and wasn't the least bit tired of the relationship.
 NFPexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
When Is A Mistake Unforgivable?
Posted: 9/6/2008 7:42:40 PM
I met a man on this site and much to my surprise we hit it off. I wasn't overly optimistic but I agreed to mete him and even more shocking, I found myself seeing him once or twice a week for the last month and a half. Everything seemed to be going well, although I kept a certain distance because I wasn't completely sure this could or would work out. However in spite of my reservations, I found myself liking him more & more and looking forward to our times together. Our last lunch date was canceled because he had a medical emergency and then I didn't hear from him last weekend. I began to worry if this was all a fantasy and had I opened myself up to someone who wasn't what he portrayed himself to be. I began to imagine all kinds of wild scenarios but when I finally reached him, he gave me a logical reason why he was out of touch. All seemed back on track and we planned to go out this weekend. Then for some inexplicable reason, I sent him an email late that night before going to bed. I didn't think much about it but the next morning I got an angry response from him about the "tone & content" which I realized seemed harsh. I came across in a hypercritical way and any small flaws he had were listed and blown out of proportion. He was VERY angry. At first I was shocked at the anger but upon reflection, I saw that I had been out of line criticizing all these things I had been concerned about and in the light of day, they were not that big a deal. I could have addressed these issues face to face, one at a time instead of an avalanche of complaints. When I saw the error of my ways, I apologized via email, voice mail and no response. I continued to apologize for the next two days and still no response. I understand he has an ego, and he is upset and he is a policeman, but when does a mistake become unforgivable? How can he go from "really liking me" to completely ignoring me based on this ONE mistake? I've owned up to the fact that I made a mistake and I am truly deeply sorry but I can’t undo what’s been done. Isn't it unreasonable to write someone off that easily after spending great fun quality time together and denying us the chance to see where this all might lead? If he really cared as much as he said, wouldn’t he at least talk to me and see if we could salvage this very new relationship?
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
is having kids a turn off for women
Posted: 12/10/2007 9:34:30 AM
For me yes. I am over 40, dont have kids, dont want them and it's responsibility that would be thrust at me that i didnt choose. Also I've dated men with children and it has usually proven to be problematic, but not all women feel that way especially if they have kids of their own. I prefer my freedom and if his kids are grown and on their own, then we might be able to work with that.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 53 (view)
 
Can you miss someone you have never met?
Posted: 12/9/2007 8:40:57 PM
Absolutely weird as it seems. I am currently struggling with this issue. I have been communicating with someone on another site for several months. We live in different parts of the country but he seemed nice and he was attractive. Lately we had some disagreements over some (in retrospect) insignificant issues. I didn't think I took him too seriously since it seemed unlikely we would meet, so I told him about some possible up coming dates. I was frustrated by his lack of support and told him so. After the last email I checked to see if he had a response and I saw that he canceled his account. There was no way to communicate off the site and now I am sorry that our last communication was a bit unpleasant. I regret saying what I said and I would like to apologize and open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone from out of town. I was surprised by how empty I felt after realizing he was out of reach and if there is any way possible for him to get in touch PLEASE do. I really would love to communicate again.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
What Do You Think Of Mixed Marriages
Posted: 9/28/2007 12:00:39 PM
"I totally agree that it doesnt matter what race you date/marry I mean here in canada there is alot of mixed messages and nothing wrong with that. As far as the remarks made to your neice just remember children are cruel if it wasnt her skin colour it would be something else I hope this is just a stepping stone to build her character."

I agree with this posting. We've always heard that kids are cruel and they are and if it wasn't her skin color it would be something else. I was teased growing up and at the time it was very painful but I survived and it's in the past. Many of my former classmates who were picked on for all sorts of stupid things are successful adults now.

Everyone wants to protect kids from the cruel realities of the world but the reality is that it can be a cruel world. All you can do it talk to them and try to equip them with the tools to face the world and all the crap that gets thrown at them over a lifetime.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Do you or have you in the past practiced abstainance?
Posted: 9/19/2007 1:49:49 PM
I've practiced abstinence for more than 10 years. It was not a well thought out plan. I had been in monogamous relationships (at least I was) since I was 19 and I was emotionally burned out. I have a hard time removing emotional needs from physical ones so I decided to wait until I felt an emotional bond with someone. Although I've had a few relationships during the last decade, I didn't feel the connection I needed and wanted and the guys were remarkably patient, so there was some heavy making out but nothing more. Physically I crave more but I am still holding out for that emotional connection. Soon I hope!
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Is there an assumed commitment between 2 people dating, once they've had sex?
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:34:48 AM
For me, it would indicate we were dating, HOWEVER after a lifetime (literally) of dating, I've come to realize that just because I see things one way doesn't mean he sees things the same way. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, but we need to have those honest up front talks so everyone knows what is expected and lay all our cards on the table. Otherwise it leads to misinterpretation and hurt feelings down the road.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 83 (view)
 
My ex says I am a disgrace for being on an internet dating site
Posted: 9/14/2007 10:26:44 AM
You're a grown independent woman and what you do is your business and your business alone. What you do doesn't concern him anymore unless you are endangering your children. You're a free woman, explore and have fun.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Should I worry if my boyfriend has a close relationship with female friend
Posted: 9/14/2007 7:51:56 AM
Years ago when I was in my 20s I started dating a guy and everytime he mentioned a friend, it was a female. I was insecure and the situation made me crazy until i started to meet the friends. One in particular seemed extremely close to him and he would tell me how pretty she was and how he couldn't understand why she was dating, etc. I tried to keep my feelings in check after he told me that he asked her out several times when they were in college. She repeatedly turned him down. Finally he suggested we all meet in the Village for lunch. I was apprehensive but I decided to go knowing in advance that I would hate her! When I met her she was so friendly and funny and unaffected, I could see why he was so "crazy" about her. More importantly, I also saw that they were truly good friends and nothing else. He wanted a more personal relationship, she didn't and he accepted that to save a great friendship. He even had the key to her apartment so he could check on things when she went home to Connecticut. After that initial meeting, I was never concerned about their friendship again. In fact, I came to realize that all the women that were his friends were NOT the problem, it was the women he met at work, walking down the street, in his building, etc.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 513 (view)
 
does anyone get as turned off with a smoker as i do?
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:26:06 AM
Over the years, I've been contacted by some good looking guys and when I read their profile and see smoker, I delete. That's non-negotiable. I dated smokers in my 20s and decided to never do it again. It's disgusting and I don't want that in my life. I like men who follow a healthy life style.

Sometimes I've written back to say that my profile always says no drugs or smokers and they tell me they're trying to quit, have just quit or won't smoke around me. I never beleive them and as for not smoking around me, they always smell of smoke when you meet them since that had to sneak in one more before the date. Smokers need not apply.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 187 (view)
 
Why are older women scared about dating younger men?
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:06:40 AM
I dont think they're scared I think it's a matter of choice. Like many of the women who responded, they are fine with dating younger men, but for myself I prefer someone closer to my own age who shares common experiences.

I don't usually date younger men, although I have done so at times. For a long term relationship, I like to think it will be with an older man, but who knows what will happen if it's the right person.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 57 (view)
 
When to bring flowers? 1st, 2nd, ... date?
Posted: 9/4/2007 1:22:18 PM
Since I had a boyfriend for many years who had no idea what flowers were, I was flattered the first time someone brought me flowers on a date. However, I would go out on first dates and it seemed so planned that every guy started bringing flowers. It's not that I am ungrateful and it is a nice gesture, but I think it's better and would be appreciated more if you wait a few dates, see how the things are going and then give them to her when she least expects it.

I knew a guy who planned a spectacular first date, limo, 4 star restaurant. After that she expected such royal treatment on every date and he couldn't keep up with that. He aimed so high in the beginning he left himself no where to go.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/31/2007 4:28:22 PM
And based on your pleasant personality I bet you're a fun date. For your know it all information I am 45 and have NEVER slept with a guy on a first date and can still count the ones I have slept with on ONE hand. So you get real and go back to reading your bible.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/31/2007 4:23:25 PM
You don't know me so don't assume what I should act like! You weren't there and you probably have no clue what it's like to date type A new york men. Dating like everything else is a competitive sport and it's rougher as you get older so I know my age and act it unlike women out there and some on this site who are middle aged and present themself like a teenager.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:40:05 PM
"Either have sex with the guy or stop seeing him."

It has less to do with this one specific guy than dating in general. This can certainly come up again with someone else. I don't know when the timing is right and when it just goes on too long and seems like some manipulative game.

BTW, yes I think sex in on the agenda, but he didn't have to see me again since I didn't have sex with him the first time.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:15:54 PM
"I think you want to have sex with him. "

I am attracted to him but that is probably because I had SO many dates that were incredibly unattractive. But I know my own mind and I know that I am NOT having sex this Friday. Should I divulge that fact now or wait and see what happens? No matter his reaction, there is no chance of sex happening.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:10:50 PM
Thank you Boomer!
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 9:10:09 PM
First of all I don't whine. Secondly, I don't think there is anything wrong with making out like teenagers if both parties consent. I am 45 not 16. Since I've been dating since 19, I have made out alot over the years, but that doesn't mean I am obligated to go beyond that. I also was in a place where I knew this couldn't go beyond a certain point and I certainly did not take him home or go to his place because I knew my limits. I never take any guy home on a first, second or even third date. This is NY and I learned survival techniques long ago.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
When is the right time to say yes?
Posted: 8/28/2007 8:25:41 PM
I do not believe in casual sex but I am also realistic about “dating” in your 40s. A couple of weeks ago, I agreed to meet a guy at Starbucks. We had exchanged several emails and he wanted to meet before leaving on vacation with his son. He seemed nice enough. I didn’t read anything into it, but we had a decent time and he asked if we could meet for a real date when he returned. The week he returned, he emailed to see if I was still interested. I was so we made a dinner date for Friday after work. We had a nice intimate dinner in Greenwich Village and then he asked if he could go home with me. I was unprepared for the question and even less so to comply so I said no. He said we should spend some time together and we ended up going to a well know place in Manhattan and making out like teenagers. Admittedly, I was attracted and it felt good to have so much attention after a long drought, but I wondered what would happen if we saw each other again. It was pretty obvious that he would want more than a make out session and I don’t want to do that right now. I prefer to have a relationship with someone and I don’t even know if he’s the person I want to have a relationship with. I would like to have the freedom to just “date,” go out, have some fun, but I don’t want to feel that if I see a man more than once, I am obligated to sleep with him.

This has taken on greater urgency since we are supposed to go out this Friday. When I asked what he wants to do, he said we should go for some****ails, and then go to his place or mine. Based on what happened on our previous date that can only mean one thing. I am wondering should I confront this issue in advance, or wait until it comes up on Friday and have a very uncomfortable discussion. This isn’t high school and I don’t believe in the mindset that I have to do it to keep him, but at this age, how long is too long?
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 153 (view)
 
is it harder to date as we get older?
Posted: 8/28/2007 6:10:33 AM
I think dating was always hard but when I was younger, it was more fun full of possibilities and I am lot less optimistic now. I am stressed with work and more responsibilities, most men I date have kids and have to schedule time with them. Overall it just takes me longer to physically and mentally get myself up for another first date.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
First Impressions
Posted: 8/26/2007 7:54:43 PM
A guy had emailed me for several weeks and I finally agreed to meet him after he suggested we meet for dinner. I picked a place in Queens where I live and he said that was fine and he would drive in from Brooklyn to pick me up. Many of the men I meet are "corporate types" but since he was in a less secure financial situation, I picked a nice restaurant that was reasonably priced. He called me in the afternoon to say his a/c was not working in his car so I might want to dress appropriately. I decided to wear what I picked out because I was going to a nice place for dinner and it was out first meeting. He ran a bit late but called to say so and let me know when he was near the pre-arranged meeting spot.

I was walking down the street when I saw a man on a cell phone approaching me. At first glance I didn't think that he was the guy I was meeting but as he got closer and smiled it became apparent that he was my dinner date. When he got closer he said, "You look nice." My eyes were open wide as I looked at him from top to bottom and all I could muster was, "you look comfortable." He had on a blue polo shirt that was covered with sweat stains and some wrinkled blue shorts. The first thought that came into my head was that there was no way we could go to the restaurant I had picked. He looked like he had been working on his car all afternoon. I went through with the date, but I have to admit I was put off by this first impression because even though it was hot and his a/c was out, it didn’t look like he made any effort.

We had some nice conversation at a different location but I knew that it was unlikely I would see him again. When he brought me home, we sat and talked briefly in the car and he asked if he could kiss me. I reluctantly said, "On the cheek," since I could see the beads of sweat on his upper lip. Am I wrong to judge him harshly by this first meeting? I think first impressions are important whether it be a job interview or a date.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Buy me dinner, owe me sex.
Posted: 8/24/2007 10:04:50 AM
I'm not surprised that there are men like this since i have had a number of dates over the years who thought that buying dinner equates buying me. I once had apple pie a la mode and a coke which amounted to $15 and the guy expected to spend the night. Gimme a break!

I have to say this is a much worse experience than I usually had. I have a non-negotiable rule, I NEVER let anyone I just met come into my home and that pisses some of them off, but I have to do whatever it takes to keep myself safe.

If I were you, I'd think twice about who I choose to invite into my home.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 71 (view)
 
How many different people have you met in person from online...
Posted: 8/19/2007 1:14:42 PM
since i've been doing this for about ten years, more than i can remember.
just this past summer met about 5 or 6 men.
had a couple of extended relationships and made some close friends over the years as well.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Should I Date A Man Who Doesnt Want to Marry
Posted: 8/5/2007 2:42:55 PM
I just met a seemingly nice man. He's a bit younger, but we hd a nice conversation in a coffeeshop on Friday and he asked me out for a "regular" date, which I accepted. I have to add the disclaimer that I have never been hungry to marry, but he's divorced for 6 years and seems to have adjusted well to the change. There is no animosity but there is an 8 year old child. He told me during our brief one hour meeting that he doesn't see himself marrying again or having more kids. Now the kid thing is okay, but should I proceed cautiously since he claims he doesn't want to marry again. Of course he's relatively young and can change his mind, but if I know from the outset that I want some kind of long term relationship, is this something even worth exploring or am I setting myself up again? One thing I have learned from 25 years of dating is you can't change a man and I don't intend to try.
 nfpexec
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Women on POF have standards way too high
Posted: 1/3/2007 2:43:18 PM
This is an image obsessed superficial society that presents a limited type of image that is considered acceptable and appealing. Women are usually on the short end of the stick when it comes to living up to those ridiculous images and many don't get any attention because they don't fit any of those "looks." So i found this posting funny and I all can say is that I echo the comments made by chaoticdreamer, donttouchmyhibiscus, fiestyangel2007, and smiles644.
 
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