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 Author Thread: long distance relationships need advice
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
long distance relationships need advice
Posted: 10/23/2017 12:23:40 PM
oh my, such cynics. I've been in a long-distance relationship with someone for 5 years, he lives in San Francisco and I live in Toronto. We are financially comfortable and flexible with our time....so it works beautifully for us.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
update: 4th date and still nothing
Posted: 8/30/2017 2:26:24 PM
OP: is there any possibility that he has an ED issue?



Messages this short may not be posted
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Effort in a relationship
Posted: 7/9/2017 2:09:31 PM
OP: Why is your thinking so polarized? A man can be a very good person and not behave the way you would like. Not getting what you want from someone doesn't mean they are not a good person! Your view of relationships seem very naive. It sounds like when a man shows a positive response to you initially, you very quickly get 'attached'. You then bask in the glow of your good fortune to 'get this guy' and then become blinded to the unfolding truths of complicated people slowly revealing themselves for who they really are...including you.

As someone who is 48 you should know some basic truths about people and relationships. You don't know people until you spend time with them. It's unfair to criticize someone for their behaviour if you haven't directly spoken to them about their behaviour and the impact it has on you. Each of you are responsible for identifying your own relational needs and to making them clear to the other person. (Wishing, dreaming, hinting doesn't count!) If you express a need and the other person isn't able to meet that need it doesn't make them a bad person. It simply means that your timing or relational goals are not aligned.

If you are in a relationship and he isn't giving you something you would like.... then ask! If you ask for something and he says he can't do what you would like, then tell him how it makes you feel. This gives him the opportunity to see your point of you and provide some empathy and comfort.....even if he can't give you what you need/want...right now.

Conversely, when he tells you he has a dependent brother who would be homeless if he didn't house him, have some compassion for your partner. What kind of a great guy would your partner be if contributed to his brother's homeless to let someone he's dated for 2 years (who has a home) move in with him?

Instead of blaming your partner, why don't you consider some introspection!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 1235 (view)
 
who pays
Posted: 6/23/2017 5:56:01 AM
NewYorker58


As for myself, I had a working mom, my dad was at home. He was sick with a heart condition, so he mostly raised me. When I married a student, I supported him, it was not an issue for me.


Bingo! Now all her threads make sense!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 639 (view)
 
Racism is stupid
Posted: 6/3/2017 11:53:47 AM
I haven't read the 600plus posts on this thread. I am disheartened though that so many white posters are minimizing, invalidating and denying that racism exits. When a black man is revealing his experience of racism why is what he is saying not treated with curiosity, open mindedness and an acceptance of his lived experience.


I've just read a very interesting article in the Guardian called Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race
write by Reni Eddo-Lodge
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race?utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Long+reads+base&utm_term=228954&subid=22177191&CMP=ema-1133

Here are the first few paragraphs from the article:


On 22 February 2014, I published a post on my blog. I titled it “Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People about Race”. It read: “I’m no longer engaging with white people on the topic of race. Not all white people, just the vast majority who refuse to accept the existence of structural racism and its symptoms. I can no longer engage with the gulf of an emotional disconnect that white people display when a person of colour articulates their experience. You can see their eyes shut down and harden. It’s like treacle is poured into their ears, blocking up their ear canals. It’s like they can no longer hear us.

“This emotional disconnect is the conclusion of living a life oblivious to the fact that their skin colour is the norm and all others deviate from it.

“At best, white people have been taught not to mention that people of colour are “different” in case it offends us. They truly believe that the experiences of their life as a result of their skin colour can and should be universal. I just can’t engage with the bewilderment and the defensiveness as they try to grapple with the fact that not everyone experiences the world in the way that they do.

For years, racism has been defined by the violence of far-right extremists, but a more insidious kind of prejudice can be found where many least expect it – at the heart of respectable society

“They’ve never had to think about what it means, in power terms, to be white, so any time they’re vaguely reminded of this fact, they interpret it as an affront. Their eyes glaze over in boredom or widen in indignation. Their mouths start twitching as they get defensive. Their throats open up as they try to interrupt, itching to talk over you but not to really listen, because they need to let you know that you’ve got it wrong.

“The journey towards understanding structural racism still requires people of colour to prioritise white feelings. Even if they can hear you, they’re not really listening. It’s like something happens to the words as they leave our mouths and reach their ears. The words hit a barrier of denial and they don’t get any further.

“That’s the emotional disconnect. It’s not really surprising, because they’ve never known what it means to embrace a person of colour as a true equal, with thoughts and feelings that are as valid as their own. Watching [the documentary] The Color of Fear by Lee Mun Wah, I saw people of colour break down in tears as they struggled to convince a defiant white man that his words were enforcing and perpetuating a white racist standard on them. All the while he stared obliviously, completely confused by this pain, at best trivialising it, at worst ridiculing it.

“I’ve written before about this white denial being the ubiquitous politics of race that operates on its inherent invisibility. So I can’t talk to white people about race any more because of the consequent denials, awkward cartwheels and mental acrobatics that they display when this is brought to their attention. Who really wants to be alerted to a structural system that benefits them at the expense of others?

“I can no longer have this conversation, because we’re often coming at it from completely different places. I can’t have a conversation with them about the details of a problem if they don’t even recognise that the problem exists. Worse still is the white person who might be willing to entertain the possibility of said racism, but who thinks we enter this conversation as equals. We don’t.

“Not to mention that entering into conversation with defiant white people is a frankly dangerous task for me. As the hackles rise and the defiance grows, I have to tread incredibly carefully, because if I express frustration, anger or exasperation at their refusal to understand, they will tap into their presubscribed racist tropes about angry black people who are a threat to them and their safety. It’s very likely that they’ll then paint me as a bully or an abuser. It’s also likely that their white friends will rally round them, rewrite history and make lies the truth. Trying to engage with them and navigate their racism is not worth that.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 197 (view)
 
Equality & Chivalry. Feminism & Femininity. Man & Gentleman
Posted: 6/3/2017 7:43:15 AM
Laidbackguy: Walt was not being rude or cutting in on other peoples conversations.

This is a forum with threads that people participate in. If you wanted to have a 'private' conversation with NewYorker58 then you can send her a private email.

Don't insult or berate Walts for participating in an open forum.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Too much attention to his grandkids?
Posted: 6/3/2017 5:30:59 AM
JanetPY Older Women Younger Men thread:

"When is a relationship something really connecting two people? In what way? Or, what really is a relationship?

There are sugar daddies and sugar mommies. And you don’t even have to put a name on this kind of relationship. Maybe most relationships are an aspect of either of these. One person is providing something to the other person in exchange for something else. Doesn’t this actually happen in most relationship? I’m being serious.

If you’re in a relationship now, could you honestly say you’re not giving something for something in return? Could be as simple as one person cooks all the meals for the other, and the other pays the bills. Barter. You just find out ‘what works’. You don’t want to lose what you get. So you just continue on."


The impression I'm getting from your posting Janet, especially the one above is that you view relationships as 'transactional'. Which is fine....up to a point. My hunch is that in order to attain your goal, a connection with a 'special someone' you've compromised what you truly want and need in a relationship. You somehow believe that the more you give (tolerate, put up with) then he will complete the transaction by being or giving you what you want. Of course you are doing all of this 'in your head'. You haven't actually talked to him about this. I think you know why, you're afraid that he will be clear about what he wants and it would be too difficult to face that truth. I think the conversation about politics revealed who he is and you don't want to engage this part of him. Yes, you may like many sides of him....but you are actively shielding yourself from the part of him that is not compatible with you because deep down you know that this isn't workable. You're in too deep, you're trying to rationalize all of this with all kinds of external props. The bottom line is you are in a shell of a relationship.[/]

If you had an authentic relationship you would feel safe and secure discussing your vulnerable feelings/thoughts with him. You would know that although it's hard to be vulnerable, that he has enough respect, kindness and regard for you that he would take care of you even if he disagrees with the content of the issue brought forward.

You don't have a relationship based on mutual respect, kindness or love. You've bartered for crumbs.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 184 (view)
 
Found vagina selfies in girlfriend's phone.
Posted: 2/28/2017 2:45:11 PM
OP: you've moved far too quickly in this relationship. Within a month of meeting a complete stranger you've given her a promise ring? You seem to motivated by your dreams and good intentions and you are not at all grounded in the reality of this situation. As time unfolds you are discovering who this person is.... a long term drug addict, a liar and someone who has given you an STD. If you knew all of this in October would you have dated her? I don't think so! You are not 'in love' with her.... because love should make you feel 'safe', respected and cared for. You are anxious, hurt, angry and mistrustful.....the opposite of what you should be feeling in a loving relationship. You're in love with the idea that someone wants you. It's not your fault that this didn't work out....you didn't have the truth of what was really going on.
It's perfectly okay to back out of this. There is someone else out there for you.....if you are cautious and discerning.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Violent outburts & family member
Posted: 2/13/2017 12:42:43 PM
How old is your son.

How old is this woman. Do these outburst only happen with your son or does it extend to others ie. work, store clerks etc. Do you know what her explanation is for these rages? medical/psyschological?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
It just doesn't matter
Posted: 2/11/2017 12:28:27 PM
OP: Have you lived in Fort Mac the past 6 years? Don't you think that your age and location has a lot to do with the slim pickings in finding someone? I've consulted with the refineries in FM for years and there seems to be a great disproportionate # of men to women....especially single young men vs single young women.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Fiction and loneliness, a bitter sweet combo
Posted: 2/8/2017 3:34:19 PM
OP: Don't start ruminating about this. If it doesn't work out...it's okay. This is an UNPAID internship. I'm sure there are many other non-profits in your area that would be grateful to have someone with your skills helping them out.

Be mindful of your 'glass half empty' tendencies....it will suck the joy right out of you!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Fiction and loneliness, a bitter sweet combo
Posted: 2/4/2017 12:34:08 PM
OP: It's impressive that with all of the obstacles you are facing that you are forging ahead to be in College. You are absolutely on the right track. However, it will take some effort and creativity to make your circumstances better.

Have you considered living with a senior? There are many seniors who want to live in their family home (2+ bedrooms) and need additional help. Sometimes there are day staff to handle meals/meds and there is a requirement for an overnight worker (many times a student). Check with your local seniors programs look up "Home Share International.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 38 (view)
 
When should a woman help pay for dates?
Posted: 2/4/2017 12:03:43 PM
OP: When should a woman help pay for dates?

There are no 'rules'. Everyone has their own expectations of how this should handled and the onus is on each person to make it clear what they feel comfortable with....from the beginning of the dating experience.

As others have noted OP, you have a set of 'hidden' expectations with your date about who pays for what when and then when these expectations are not met you blame her for not stepping up to meet those expectations. The issue here has nothing to do with $, it has more to do with 'conflict avoidance', the fear of confronting your dates 'judgement or rejection' if you were to ask for what you want. You want to appear to be the 'good guy' by doing something your not okay with....but you really want her to get you off the hook by having her step up and do what you want.....if though she has no idea of these behind the scenes machinations.

I am comfortable paying my way on dates and in relationships. I make it clear in my profile that first dates will be dutch. I have also chosen to spend $ on a first date that is unorthodox - my business. On my first date with my partner I paid for a flight to San Francisco and a hotel for a weekend ($2,000 US) he paid for 2 tacos and coffee ($20). 4.5 years later we have a simple approach to the $. We have the 3rd wallet, my suggestion. We each put in a couple of hundred dollars in the 3rd wallet and we use it for all common expenses. No keeping track of who spent what... very easy.

Communication is your friend.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Blew it, thanks Hormones
Posted: 2/1/2017 5:33:26 PM
op
and now, finally a week later, I'm back to normal (and have scheduled an appointment with a hormone therapist - thankyouverymuch


How do you know your behaviour is 'hormone' related? Is this a self diagnosis? A week after your meltdown 'you were back to normal"....but you did not have any medical assessment/medication by a professional correct?

I think there is more to this than 'hormones'.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Long distance , how long would you tough it out ?
Posted: 1/30/2017 8:00:45 PM
OP My partner and I live 3,000 miles and a passport away from each other. It's not ideal, but it works for us. We see each other every 6-8 weeks. I spend about 5 months of the year is San Francisco. You have to have the financial resources to do it.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Dating over 50
Posted: 1/29/2017 11:04:30 AM
OP: you need a profile review.


I met 12 men over a 1.5 year basis, one person I went out with twice, another 5 dates and then my partner 4.5 years.

Dating strategies that worked for me:

1. only respond to queries that piqued my interest (when I started on-line dating I thought it was polite to respond to everyone and I went out with people I wasn't really keen on because I didn't want to be 'judgemental' and wanted to be 'open minded'.

2. I did not engage in more than a few emails or phone calls before meeting.

3. I would try to meet someone within one or two weeks

4. I contacted men I was interested (the best dates I had came from meets I initiated)

5. First meets were always in public places
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Has the Women's March affected your relationship?
Posted: 1/24/2017 6:59:14 PM
browneyesboo

I thought you might appreciate this.... one of the smallest marches in the world!


https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jan/24/nova-scotia-smallest-womens-march-sandy-cove-canada?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Has the Women's March affected your relationship?
Posted: 1/24/2017 2:19:59 PM
Becky,

I'm so sorry you had this experience with your BF and I can appreciate why you would be devastated. You would hope he had enough emotional maturity to handle this better. He should as a boyfriend have a basic respect and regard for you despite having different political perspectives. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lacks respect, empathy and kindness towards you? Don't settle.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Has the Women's March affected your relationship?
Posted: 1/23/2017 6:00:01 PM
My partner and I went to the Women's March in San Francisco, we had a great time! We are on the same page politically.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 75 (view)
 
Is there any way to address a potential boyfriend's cheapness?
Posted: 1/9/2017 11:58:57 AM
OP:

Thanks for the clarification.

I have a different take on this. This isn't about cheapness, it's about your fear of asking for what you want directly.


What holds you back with this guy and others in feeling free to express your true thoughts and feelings. Why can't you express your disappointment when he flakes on you? Why can't you tell him that his flaking just before your birthday is unacceptable? If he doesn't get the feedback from you how would he know how to calibrate his behaviour?

Why do you believe if you are 'self sacrificing' (holding back on your needs) that he would step up to the plate later on. There is something about how you swirl with unspoken expectations/rules that seems to keep you 'stuck' in chronic dissatisfaction.


At your age, it is perfectly okay to express your thoughts and feelings to someone else. It is your responsibility to speak for the right to have your needs met. Speaking up though, also requires courage..... understanding that the vulnerability of asking for what you want may not be met. Sometimes the other party steps up and sometimes they don't. It's a risk.

By cultivating the capacity to be 'authentic' with others you will have greater opportunities to have the type of relationship you want.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 322 (view)
 
1 month again returns but does he want to date me?
Posted: 1/7/2017 7:08:42 PM
imanarangetiger


Nice try, Flaneur but I didn't suggest that Nataly was a criminal, just that her behaviour could lead to it eventually if unchecked. There's no transference, counter-transference or projection involved, just a bit of common sense.



add gaslighting to the list!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 319 (view)
 
1 month again returns but does he want to date me?
Posted: 1/7/2017 2:45:04 PM
imanorangetinger




She claims to have diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I believe there's more to it and that she should seek professional help and guidance if she is to achieve what she wants to.


Many posters have made the same suggestion. Nataly has had therapy. She doesn't see any value in it. She has a right, at 29 to refuse mental health services.


[quote ]It's my view that therapy, both personal and occupational, could make a difference if Nataly would accept it and embrace it.

Well obviously she doesn't agree with you.... so why don't you just leave her alone. You've made your 'recommendations' clear numerous times. Let it go.




It's a sobering fact that the criminal justice system in most nations looks at mental health from the way it affects society. If someone with mental health issues steps over the line, there are only so many things you can bring up in mitigation if their behaviour affects others.


How did you possibly get to the 'criminal justice system' spin with Nataly.



Looking at some of Nataly's posts, I fear that her behaviour could land her in trouble one day, if only it's to pick up a restraining order to keep her away from someone.


Are you serious. Now you're suggesting that she is some time of 'criminal' who will require a 'restraining order'.

I would suggest you obtain some counselling to look at your: transference, projection, projective identification and counter transference reactions. Nataly's refusal to follow any of your advise seems to 'trigger' something in you.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 316 (view)
 
1 month again returns but does he want to date me?
Posted: 1/7/2017 11:43:46 AM
CynthiaSM
Following her around the internet to cross-post information about her is just creepy. Says a lot about the mental and emotional level of the person doing it. There is NO justifiable reason for doing that to/about OP.


+ 1

it strikes me as particularly odd that some of these folks are over 40 and claim to be in the 'helping' professions.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Looking for some advice
Posted: 1/4/2017 4:00:44 PM
I think on the whole your profile is very good. I would swap your pics. The pic with the SF t-shirt is very attractive.

I wonder if you occupation is a problem. Anyway to change it slightly ie. management?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
PLEASE HELP! REVIEW!
Posted: 1/4/2017 3:48:44 PM
If—
Rudyard Kipling, 1865 - 1936

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run—
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!




This poem is in the public domain.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Disappointed with the standard of men
Posted: 1/4/2017 12:15:20 PM
Emma,

You are on the right track with your profile. Taking out the 'shallow' stuff was a good start. Now you need to work on your pictures. You are beautiful (externally) and have a great figure....but.... your clothing appears.... err cheap. Go to a social event that would draw the type of man you are interested and make note of what women are wearing. Professional women don't dress like they are on Spring break in Florida or working at Hooters. Now that you are out of school and working, consider clothing as investment pieces - look for quality.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 242 (view)
 
Pickled
Posted: 1/2/2017 4:31:27 PM
Nataly,

If you want them to stop 'picking' on you then stop engaging them. Just ignore them.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 36 (view)
 
humping your leg is sometimes a good sign
Posted: 1/2/2017 4:28:48 PM
I was on a flight Dec. 24th from San Francisco to Washington DC., I had a business/first class seat. An hour into the flight there was a rumble between the business class section and the economy section. An attendant was blocking a female passenger from using the first class bathroom. A few minutes later, the passenger somehow snuck by the attendant and was defiantly marching to the first class bathroom..only to be blocked by First Class (pit bull) Attendant. Then, another economy passenger joins the melee - 15 minutes of arguing for the rights of economy class to use the first class bathroom (they are identical). Anyhow, pit bull won the battle. Interesting theatre...with a glass of wine!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Does my profile scare off women?
Posted: 12/23/2016 11:06:08 AM
OP: I don't think your 'profile scare off women'. I think your profile pics are fine and you profile narrative is okay.

The turn off for me is this:

I'm ideally looking for an active, well dressed woman who enjoys conversation. I have no real preference about age, educational attainment, career or even interests. I'm always interested to find out about new things.


My read of this is that you are shallow. You don't care about educational attainment, career or even interests.....but you are clear that you want someone who is 'well dressed'? It's turn off. I'd drop the 'well dressed' from the profile.
This would be very easy to figure out when you see the profile pic.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 180 (view)
 
1 month again returns but does he want to date me?
Posted: 12/20/2016 7:01:46 PM
Nataly,

Congratulations on the job! I hope it works out for you.

I read your recent profile. I would suggest that you remove the paragraph about your virginity. This kind of information on a public website can draw the wrong type of person to you. You should always consider your safety in anything you write on-line. Once you have met someone and they seem genuine then you can spring the virginity issue on them.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Advice
Posted: 12/20/2016 4:40:45 PM
OP: I suspect that what you are experiencing with this guy is a re-enactment. My guess is that you were very close to your father when you were very young...and then something changed (divorce, death, parental alcoholism etc). over time. You are trying to make someone who can't give you what you need...give you what you need. You believe if you are caring enough, understanding enough, subservient enough he should change. It never works this way.

Your illogical resolve to be with this person at all costs is all on you. Don't be preoccupied about looking for reasons in him. It's not what's important. What's important is that you figure out what's being triggered in you. So that you don't repeat this pattern with the next guy.

You deserve so much better than this. What's sad is you don't seem to understand this.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Kissed a girl with boyfriend
Posted: 12/12/2016 2:17:08 PM
OP: Before proceeding with her...you need to figure out what you want. Do you want her as a friend? girl friend?

What would be your rationale for not being honest with her. Why would you not say...yes you initiated a kiss.?
What's your concern here?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 23 (view)
 
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 2:54:43 PM
OP: Is this the same person you were writing about in a previous thread? I would suggest you reread that thread, there were a number of observations and recommendations.



"splitting' by flipping into a very dark mode (black and white thinking) of seeing you/ your actions/ your intentions in the worst possible light.

This isn't 'splitting', this is how she is. She embodies both dynamics - and she is not stable.


It can and often does come up when least expected. I understand that this emanates from unresolved pain and issues in this person's past, and do my best to not take it personally, but it still craters the closeness between us when it happens, and, over time, the fact that it's never if, but when, it will happen again, and I do not know when .... is impairing my own ability to fully trust & connect.


OP this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Yet you tolerate it. Your attempt at compassion, understanding and depersonalization is not going to fix this. Her behaviour is her responsibility. Of course there are times....situations, circumstances...when compassion and understanding are transformative. But this is not that type of situation.
This isn't a 'situation' this is an embedded schema on both your parts. She for some reason needs to 'protest' and you have a need to 'rescue'. This is called a reenactment. As you have identified in another thread....you know very clearly where this comes from on your end.


I've learned that trying to be responsive in a reassuring way... doesn't help (every heartfelt answer or explanation just trips the trigger for the next awful inference/ accusation), and getting pissed off doesn't help (it sends it underground for a while but it eventually comes back, and maybe even worse for having been sent underground and festered). I have considered just bluntly calling bullshit and swiftly detaching from contact when this happens, until the person gets their head back on straight, but this is a person who I love and I know that this is a result of unresolved fear and pain, and I am not at all sure that that degree of hard-line response on my part will really help her/this move past this recurring pattern.


OP, I understand that you think this is love....but I assure...this is not love. When you are loved you are treated with respect, compassion, and most importantly you feel 'SAFE'. My version of love is absolutely not what you are describing between the two of you. As I said earlier, you are two wounded people trying to repair your hurts through reenactments.


I'm sure that some will suggest therapy- and we're already doing that, each as individuals, and with a third couples counselor, all of them highly qualified.


hmmm...well, being 'qualified' doesn't mean they are good(!)
If these therapists were good, there would be some 'movement' in this dynamic.



I welcome thoughts and suggestions from people who have navigated this- and either found ways to change the pattern and get beyond it, or, as well, how and when people have been able to caringly and sound-ly come to the conclusion that the broken-ness that drives this is simply not capable of change to an extent or at a rate that allows a relationship to be sustainable.


I would suggest you consider 'schema therapy' for yourself

I would have a serious discussion with your therapist about the distinction of trying to work through a relationship with someone who has solid INTENTIONS to improve things and the reality of what that person's CAPACITY to change is.

I would encourage you to have a discussion with your therapist about why you have a tendency to 'compartmentalize' (feelings, thoughts, her) vs the capacity to INTEGRATE all of the variables in the situation and determine whether your key 'needs' are being adequately met.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is closure really good?
Posted: 11/12/2016 9:06:32 AM
OP
"What did I do wrong that was so bad?".



Interesting that this would be your first assumption! Do you do this in other areas of your life?

There could be a number of other reasons:

- she reconnected with an ex

- she is 'conflict avoidant' she couldn't tell you earlier how she really felt/or needed

- she was seeing someone else and she was to embarrassed to tell you

Sometimes when we get entangled in 'bad' situations it doesn't automatically mean we've done something wrong!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 172 (view)
 
Is Self-Employment A Turn-off?
Posted: 11/2/2016 5:58:38 PM
I just took a peek at your profile. Your shirt is too big. You need a fitted shirt.... check out the men's Banana Republic store. The cloths are designed for slim young men. They always have sales....get one or two shirts and a smart hoodie.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 171 (view)
 
Is Self-Employment A Turn-off?
Posted: 11/2/2016 5:54:41 PM
Gary,

I'm self-employed as well and set my own hours. I prefer to go to classes mid morning (11am) or mid afternoon (2pm) smaller classes/less rushed feeling. Most of the folks who take these classes are also self-employed and/or are folks with flexible schedules. This might be to your advantage. The trick is to go to the same class (date/time) for a number of times.... don't give up!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 167 (view)
 
Is Self-Employment A Turn-off?
Posted: 11/2/2016 5:43:23 PM
Gary,

I have a tip for you...yoga! I'm serious! I go to yoga and pilates classes all the time. The classes are mostly women...usually one or two men to a class. Go to the class a little early chit chat before and after the class. You will be very popular. If you can find a Zumba class....you will nail a date in no time!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Dating advice
Posted: 11/2/2016 5:29:41 PM
OP
I actually want to be well treated so a nice meal somewhere posh would be great - sorry men I am not coming cheap! lol


Are suggesting that the first time you meet someone you expect to be taken to a 'posh' restaurant?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 649 (view)
 
Depression and suicide
Posted: 10/30/2016 3:40:49 PM
basilisk123: Depression is very difficult indeed. Your last post show that your mood shifts...and that's a good thing. Your recent posts shows a level of self reflection and thoughtfulness that most folks don't seem to have. I'm also impressed that you are going back to school in your 30's....that's not easy....but a very smart move on your part. It isn't easy to be a 'mature' student and work part-time, it says a lot about your motivation to 'get unstuck'. Kudos to you!!!

I'm curious basilisk123, your profile says you're in College, don't they have counsellors there? In Ontario, our Colleges and Universities offer free counselling. If someone would prefer to see someone outside of the University system then the University will cover $2,000 of their therapy costs per year. Recently Starbucks in Canada have offered employees who work more than 20hrs per week $5,000 per year for psychotherapy costs.

I have one last thought. Given your tendency towards a negative attributional style....it might be challenging and worthwhile to consider a 'gratitude list'. A daily list of small and big things that you are grateful for...a nice way to start the day or ease into a more restful sleep.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Why always the same people?
Posted: 10/29/2016 1:51:17 PM
I was on an Air Canada flight last night and watched an interesting documentary (how to find love on-line), this doc might have the answer to your question. Here is the youtube link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4GKX-UzTXU

If watch the doc and read your profile I think you will have your answer!


ps I live in Toronto, and am about the same age and my expectations were higher (graduate degree/high income) while it's true I did see some people over and over again, I also found there was always new fish in the sea!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Is it our obligation to report a suicide threat posted on social media?
Posted: 9/24/2016 10:39:42 AM

Congratulations on your wonderful powers of observation.


You are most welcome!


. I said that the fine line between taking control in a situation and allowing a client the right to choose is a debatable area when it comes to beneficence. It has been debated before within professional bodies, and continues to be debated.


the right to choose what.....suicide?

professional 'debates' doesn't change the 'duty to report' legislation
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Is it our obligation to report a suicide threat posted on social media?
Posted: 9/24/2016 8:31:33 AM

Maybe. Not in my own context however, which was to use an example of a scenario designed to address the question of at what point does a threat get taken seriously?


you used the example of therapists


That doesn't have to apply solely to mental health and medical professionals.


of course, however I was responding to your example of 'therapists'.


Common sense and empathy plays a part too, and we should all have a modicum of that.


yes, and in N's situation, some people acted on this concern.


Interestingly, in the therapy world, allowing or not allowing a client to go away and end their life, if that's what the client needs to do to feel better, is a debatable grey area that trips the line between responsibility towards the client and allowing the client to have their personal rights and autonomy.


I don't know about the 'therapy world' in England. In Canada, depending on the College you are regulated by and their rules - there is no 'debatable grey' area...if a client discloses a suicide plan you have a non negotiable 'duty to report".
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Is it our obligation to report a suicide threat posted on social media?
Posted: 9/24/2016 7:01:06 AM
imanorangetiger: the OP of this thread was referring to a moral/ethical 'obligation to report as a member of an on-line community

Your opening example in your recent thread refers to the 'duty to report' suicide based on the (mental health/medical) professionals regulatory bodies (in Canada this is referred to as a College i.e.. College of Physicians and Surgeons)

Apples and oranges.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 20 (view)
 
you really need to be aware that googling your username would also bring up forum threads and posts
Posted: 9/24/2016 6:41:15 AM
Hi Brian,

I live in Toronto, a large city with a large trans and activist community. A number of folks come here from smaller towns because they feel socially isolated and the city offers them the opportunity to develop social networks for 'chosen families', friends and life partners. I wonder if your geographical area contributes to your difficulties an finding a partner.


In my experience of transgendered men, they either are in long term relationships with lesbians they met pre transition or they are involved with lesbian, bi or straight activist women they've met through volunteering or work.


If you are looking at improving your odds on POF you really need to work on your profile. There is a separate thread that you can ask forum members to review. There are a few glaring red flags...
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Transgender A Rough Spot To Be In. Transman.
Posted: 9/24/2016 6:26:52 AM
imanorangetiger:
Personally, I think you should come clean in your profile and let women make up their own mind about you. Telling them later is subterfuge. As a straight man, if I found out that someone I was meeting had a twig and two berries under their dress, I'd walk away and it would be my choice to do so, whether the other person agreed or not. It's no different really to people who post older photos, misdescribe their weight or lie about things in their profile.

If you don't want to out yourself in your profile because of the effect it might have in your social community, you really need to be aware that googling your username would also bring up forum threads and posts you've written.



imanorangetiger, did you not read the OP's profile?


Brian's Profile:

****PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTACTING ME****
I am a Transgender Man. I am a legal MALE. I am POST OP with the exception of my bottom surgery.
However, I do plan on getting the bottom surgery as soon as I can. This is a rough situation for me to be in, but I believe in being up front.
God Bless, and Thank You for reading. P.S. I do not want to be anyone's experiment. I have been through enough.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
The Birthday Bluez
Posted: 9/3/2016 6:23:19 PM
Happy Birthday Natalie!

I'm sorry this happened....especially today. It sounds like his post text behaviour is out of character. I would suggest you wait until he contacts your. In the meantime, try to make the most of the evening!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Arab woman face covered
Posted: 8/31/2016 3:38:10 PM
Female Mounties (RCMP) can wear the hijab

http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/rcmp-diversity-policy-hijab-1.3733829
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Should I ask if we are fwb or something more?
Posted: 8/29/2016 12:37:23 PM
Communication is your friend.....not with out risks though. Don't approach this with the emphasis on ....him...'what do you want?' 'Do you want a relationship with me"?

Start the conversation with you taking risks to speak to your issues/concerns/needs. Use "I' statements.

"I'm attracted to you. I want to spend more time together. I've been feeling confused about what's going on between us. I enjoy our time together sexually...but it's starting to feel like that's the focus of our connection. Our time together is starting to feel very routine. I need more. In addition to our sex life, I'd also like to go out and do things together - I'd like to get to know each other more."

see how he responds....not what he says....but what he does. Does he get it? Can he step up? If the shift doesn't happen, then you have your answer. If he doesn't step up, don't be angry or 'blame' him. It's not his fault if the two of you are not compatible. That's life!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Should I ask if we are fwb or something more?
Posted: 8/28/2016 6:14:42 PM
Yes this is a FB situation.

op
this is hilarious lol


yeah, only if you want an FB connection!
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 180 (view)
 
Dating Someone That Has Nothing
Posted: 8/26/2016 11:51:46 AM
Natalie: ^^^^^^^

It's clear that you don't like what some people have posted and you would like it to stop. If that's the case, then asking these folks to 'knock it off', will never work. They are not your parents, and you do not have control over them.

If you want 'this' to stop, then #1. don't look at the thread; #2. don't post on this thread.

Walk away from this Natalie or it will just snowball as the letter you wrote to the Youtube hosts did.
 
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